I fell asleep from like 6-9 or something and then drank some caffeine so my brain will not shut up.
I am reading a book on sex addiction, the author suggests an activity of "turning the lights on, in your auditorium"
It sounds dumb, but kind of makes sense. If there is a voice in your head somewhere telling you what to to, what to believe, how to think about things, and you are pretty sure that voice is working against you... turn on the lights and find out which of the audience members (the parts of your personality) is actually speaking. In this case, is it the 11 year old who's first experience of sexuality was pictures on the internet? Is it the 15 year old who is convinced he will never get a girl friend?
But in a larger sense, is it the part of you that ran away in one situation, and now can't remember all the times you stood still, or fought back, or made things better? Is it the part of you that isolates to avoid vulnerability, when what you want is connection? well, turn on the lights and find out.... and then recognize the other voices that are possible, and decide which one you want to listen to.
Not easy...
I wasn't thinking about that though when I couldn't get to sleep. I was thinking about how disappointed and angry I am with SoT. I feel like we have all these big goals, and no follow through. I feel like people commit to things because we believe in them, but not because we want to actually do them, so we half ass it. Its a sad organization sometimes. I am currently the leader of it, and all around me I have watched it fall apart since "taking the reigns" and I sometimes feel like its my fault... but when I look at the other people, I see how they avoided following through, how they neglected their responsibilities, how one by one we have all lost spirit... and I am wondering why I should care... and definitely mad that even part of me blames myself... but mostly I am just annoyed and exhausted, the world is hard to change. In progressive movements there is often this idea that the people most affected by things shouldn't be the only ones fighting, but one of the necessary factors to fight is having skin in the game... well, its hard to constantly remind yourself of all the ways you are being hurt by injustice, when you can so easily escape into watching tv or whatever...
My job is exhausting. We are trying to change habits, skill levels, mind sets... we are doing too much and have too much invested in outcomes... and when my goal is nothing less than changing the world....
-I had a student today say something to the equivalent of "Why would you rape someone, when you can get pussy for free?" -which in his mind was an anti-rape comment...
-I had a 16 year old ask me what homosexuality and heterosexuality were, because he hadn't heard the terms before, "Oh you mean straight and gay, that's cool"
-None of these kids understood why anyone would be against marriage equality, but half of them use the term "gay" to mean stupid, and I am sure the men call each other "fags" all the time to reinforce their idea of masculinity.
-In a class room with 6 students I repeatedly had to tell them to raise their hands because they continued to talk over each other for an entire hour.
-A good portion of my school think the Illuminati are real, a few think Jewish people rule the world.
-I had a kid today say he didn't need to learn to budget because he was going to be a rapper. Last week I asked him if he had ever performed in front of an audience and he said no. I asked him if he had had opportunities and he said he always turned them down because they were beneath him.
-1 page of notes is a lot, but most of them think they will do fine in college.
-Reading 10 pages in class is too much, reading a paragraph out loud is too much, editing their writing is always too much.
No matter how good the day is, no matter how good the discussions, or how good the community is going, this is the constant, the background, the baseline... and yes we rise above it, but we sink below it some days too.
and on the side I am supposed to rally adults to be inspired about causes and actions, knowing full well, they also do jobs like this. ooh... its not sustainable.
this whole damn system aint sustainable.
On the upside...
My roommate's band made a sort of promo-music video today... and it was awesome. I got to be the shaky camera man.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
March
I am going to drug myself to sleep soon. Hopefully that will work, my day time meds are wearing off and I have been having trouble sleeping with this cold.
Today I was thinking of what my better self must look like. Sometime yesterday or the day before I thought about how some people have had this idea of me at my best, and are disappointed with who I am now. It occurred to me that I was in a relationship when they first knew me, and maybe there is something about having support like that, that brings out a boys better side.
Lately I have been feeling just fine, but all around me shit seems pretty fucked... I guess more specifically with public ventures... works.
I don't know how to push SoT along and I don't always know if I want to. We are limping, we came up with a big plan, but I don't think we have the strength to make it happen without more support and that hasn't really surfaced. I am already feeling taxed by school, I don't even want to wake up on Sundays.
My Stepdad and Stepbrother are leaving to take a 3 month trip on motorcycles down to Argentina... sounds great.
I think next year will be my last year at school. I think I have to make it that, or I will never leave. We may not even have a next year if we can't make shit happen... but I feel like I want to see it through at least that far.
I turn 30 next year, seems like a good time to throw your life into disarray. Maybe I will travel, maybe find a new job, maybe go back to school... who knows.
Spring break starts after this next week... I could have left, but I think I am going to use it to do all the things I haven't been doing.... oil change, dentist appointment, read a book or two, maybe go on a date or something who knows.
I think this is probably what I would sound like on a date...
Sunday, March 17, 2013
thoughts at the shop
You are beautiful
I wonder if you know it
I wonder if you wake each morning feeling groggy
I wonder if you force yourself out of bed
I wonder if in front of the mirror, you tear yourself apart
analyzing the terrain, intending to smooth cracks in the unfired clay
I wonder if clothes are a costume, a burden
I wonder if your shoes are comfortable or just aesthetically pleasing
I wonder if you put on a voice to meet strangers
I wonder if you dance, in the flow of your passion
or whether each step is an effort, paid indenture
Is your smile an invitation, bridge to your heart,
or like the plastic I pass you to keep our hands at distance?
I wonder if you know it
I wonder if you wake each morning feeling groggy
I wonder if you force yourself out of bed
I wonder if in front of the mirror, you tear yourself apart
analyzing the terrain, intending to smooth cracks in the unfired clay
I wonder if clothes are a costume, a burden
I wonder if your shoes are comfortable or just aesthetically pleasing
I wonder if you put on a voice to meet strangers
I wonder if you dance, in the flow of your passion
or whether each step is an effort, paid indenture
Is your smile an invitation, bridge to your heart,
or like the plastic I pass you to keep our hands at distance?
Sunday, March 10, 2013
same old same old
I made a goal of not looking at porn for a month, specifically this month. I failed after ten days. I found I was becoming more and more shallow, voyeuristic in my real life, agitated by silly situations, and opportunistic of certain kinds of moments.
Years ago, when I was a teenager I found that I could justify my porn use by acknowledging that it allowed me to treat my friends with more dignity and respect. I think I am still using that excuse, whether it is real or not… it certainly feels real.
This confession is not what I wanted to talk about. Of course all of it is related, and in this case, I find concrete examples are sometimes necessary when dealing with larger issues of life and spirit. Concretely I set a goal, a values-based goal, a spiritual goal, a test of will and failed… perhaps one could argue that I didn’t find the test was meeting my desired goal… but perhaps it’s just a failure of will.
So let’s move on. Lately I have been reading a lot of Sufi writings. I find Sufism to be extremely relational, touching to the spirit and inspiring. Unlike much of the legal doctrines of Islam, the Spiritual traditions really grab a person on a soul level. Legalistic Islam, can be a wonderful intellectual pursuit, to understand why a doctrine is the way it is, to understand the benefit to the individual and the community. These things are great, and ought to be acknowledged, but Sufism is like a wizard’s spell when all you knew is science, and the nice thing is that so many of these wizards believe in explaining their craft.
I also find, that Sufism, relates to other forms of spirituality better. Islam comes very distinctly from Arabian culture/mixed later with the Hellenistic, Persian and Indian classics. It is dynamic, but institutionalized, Sufism flips that and keeps the dynamism while trying to defend itself -sometimes unsuccessfully from the dogma. The treatises explain the poetics, but the Sufi continues the spiritual pursuit regardless…
and what is the spiritual pursuit?
To recognize what submission to the Divine Unity truly means… to become the perfect human –bridge back to the Divine, to be the mirror in which the Divine sees itself… And the ecstatic acknowledges that in true Oneness, there is no other… thus God is all and all is God. This differs so much from the legalistic Abrahamic “God the father” traditions… it looks a lot more like Hinduism or various forms of animism. To spend your time trying to recognize God in all… well that seems like a good pursuit.
Different Sufi’s have ideas of how to do that:
Some deny the reality of this world, believing that it is an illusion (like Buddhism) and that attachment to the illusion causes distraction from God.
Some believe to acknowledge distraction itself would be a form of denying the divine unity, so they move from place to place seeking out the thin points in the veil, but knowing that every opportunity is the time to recognize God.
Some pursue humanitarian good, trying to reform systems of oppression, healing the sick, teaching at universities, or taking on students (as Buddha and Confucius did).
But most are treated (though they may have home bases) as being wanderers who pursued God above all status positions, above all relationships and above all worldly wants.
Each person of course has a slightly different idea of what is right and wrong, of what is desirable, obtainable, etc. The path isn’t for all, and many of the stories of the Sufi’s are stories of turning down students, of being turned away themselves. Of staying humble to be on the path, and of being righteous to recognize what is not the path. To wake up every day with the desire to be used by God (to have a relationship with God) but then to also simultaneously believe that in the end, there is nothing but God… so who is asking? And to whom?
I find this focus to be especially warming to my heart in many cases… not that ego-centered “I am God” piece, but the idea that one cannot help but be connected with God, because we are made up of God, because we are energized by God, because God creates/renews, sustains and destroys us in each moment. Because the separation is in our heads…
And yet I am troubled, because the separation is so strong in my head… that lately I have been reading books and singing mantras, and listening to spiritual teachers and occasionally having good conversations… but in all other times I feel disconnected and lost. I feel lost in myself, my shallow ambitions, shallow projections, shallow thoughts and beliefs, my shallow actions keep me apart and because I am so shallow I feel like I have nothing to offer, or nothing left to offer… so I disconnect further. And maybe it is a lack of will, I see nothing in myself and nothing in the other, save when I see God… so when I do not see God, there is no desire except the shallow. A cycle of deep connection that cannot be sustained (or rather isn’t being) and a pit of muck, separation.
I wouldn’t say this is hell… I don’t actually feel despair… I feel exhausted from the effort. I go long periods of time longing for comfort and don’t get it because I have such a shallow view of what it should look/feel like. I have been here before… and had to go lower and lower, until I wasn’t myself… until I was sustained only on the smiles of others… but I don’t think that is the answer this time.
Time
Time has also been the big riddle to me lately… A few weeks back I had this experience where suddenly the idea of time didn’t need to exist… and it felt right. It felt like time is the ego. I watched a movie last night where the character actually said “Time is the sin” before he died… and that seems somehow right… and yet I am not sure how far to take this concept. I watched a spiritual teacher on youtube talk about how time is non-existent to God, and should be to us if we want to relate to God, or recognize God in ourselves, or be the mirror to God… because otherwise we depend on the before and after… we make excuses etc… and this gels with a lot of spiritual teachings about “living in the now” but really he was saying more than that. He was saying there is no before and after because Now is all that ever exists… and the idea of time passing doesn’t actually happen on a larger scale… energy is not destroyed, doesn’t age, simply changes form… and if we are energy than we are energy and need to stop believing in the illusory, the attachment to the idol of the material, the meaningless, the non-existent.
According to this teacher, God doesn’t recognize the illusory, and neither should we. And I find this troublesome because I like the idea of time not existing, on a mental level it makes sense, I have even been blessed with a moment or two of feeling it…or recognizing that it a false and changeable concept… but to acknowledge that the material doesn’t exist is so much harder for my soul to understand…
Buddhism teaches us not to get attached to the material because it causes us pain and ultimately doesn’t matter and I can acknowledge this because it is saying there is a material that doesn’t matter…(this is the lay person explanation, thought underneath I think it is just the nice way of saying that the material never existed) but to deny the very illusion of the material seems too hard for me to experience.
In the moment I lose myself, and find an hour later I am that much more judgmental, shallow and spiteful. I feel detachment but from what? If I am energy (and I can recognize this on an intellectual level), than why can’t I feel it all the time… why do I feel separate?
This is the sin, the only sin, the sin in every religion, Separation. Time is a separation so it is sinful, but so is space, so is the sensory/material… but I love it, I am attached to it, I desire it, and it gives me meaning… makes me feel things etc…
I know that these things are but a fraction of the whole… and therefor I need to redirect my attention to the whole… but I tried to deny porn for 31 days and couldn’t control myself, couldn’t will my way through it to the greater potential… so how do I do it with everything?
Every religion offers an answer; most say a combination of experience and denial, of meditation and slight changes till mastery. I can see this in my every day experiences…
If I don’t have a tv, I don’t often find myself obsessed with it. If I don’t have a certain cd, over time I forget its importance to me, if I don’t see a friend for a while -some of them leave my mind. Sometimes it is in fact the moment of remembrance (the reconnection) that is the most painful (but often the most joyful as well…) Perhaps if I didn’t have a mirror, I wouldn’t judge my physical appearance so much. If I didn’t have an okcupid/tumblr/facebook/youtube/blog/email etc I wouldn’t be so attached to them. If I didn’t have books I wouldn’t want to read them. If I didn’t have computer games I wouldn’t want to play them, if I didn’t have candy I wouldn’t want to eat it (tried and failed many times), but in all maybe it’s just a matter of temperance.
I often wonder if I became more physically undesirable whether I would stop wanting to pursue that… like if my face was ripped off, would I suddenly give up on the shallow aspects of relationships… or would I just become more of a hermit. If I were in prison would I be more free? If I were “disabled” would I be enabled to pursue higher things?
Anyway… I am drawn to spiritual teachings I can’t always experience, and it is driving me a little bonkers… I think partially because I don’t have anyone to explore them with… but it requires a lot of trust to pursue a spiritual relationship with another person.
And sometimes when I think back on the relationships I have had, I recognize that that was my pursuit despite the other variables… and perhaps that is what I have felt is missing in my life lately.
Years ago, when I was a teenager I found that I could justify my porn use by acknowledging that it allowed me to treat my friends with more dignity and respect. I think I am still using that excuse, whether it is real or not… it certainly feels real.
This confession is not what I wanted to talk about. Of course all of it is related, and in this case, I find concrete examples are sometimes necessary when dealing with larger issues of life and spirit. Concretely I set a goal, a values-based goal, a spiritual goal, a test of will and failed… perhaps one could argue that I didn’t find the test was meeting my desired goal… but perhaps it’s just a failure of will.
So let’s move on. Lately I have been reading a lot of Sufi writings. I find Sufism to be extremely relational, touching to the spirit and inspiring. Unlike much of the legal doctrines of Islam, the Spiritual traditions really grab a person on a soul level. Legalistic Islam, can be a wonderful intellectual pursuit, to understand why a doctrine is the way it is, to understand the benefit to the individual and the community. These things are great, and ought to be acknowledged, but Sufism is like a wizard’s spell when all you knew is science, and the nice thing is that so many of these wizards believe in explaining their craft.
I also find, that Sufism, relates to other forms of spirituality better. Islam comes very distinctly from Arabian culture/mixed later with the Hellenistic, Persian and Indian classics. It is dynamic, but institutionalized, Sufism flips that and keeps the dynamism while trying to defend itself -sometimes unsuccessfully from the dogma. The treatises explain the poetics, but the Sufi continues the spiritual pursuit regardless…
and what is the spiritual pursuit?
To recognize what submission to the Divine Unity truly means… to become the perfect human –bridge back to the Divine, to be the mirror in which the Divine sees itself… And the ecstatic acknowledges that in true Oneness, there is no other… thus God is all and all is God. This differs so much from the legalistic Abrahamic “God the father” traditions… it looks a lot more like Hinduism or various forms of animism. To spend your time trying to recognize God in all… well that seems like a good pursuit.
Different Sufi’s have ideas of how to do that:
Some deny the reality of this world, believing that it is an illusion (like Buddhism) and that attachment to the illusion causes distraction from God.
Some believe to acknowledge distraction itself would be a form of denying the divine unity, so they move from place to place seeking out the thin points in the veil, but knowing that every opportunity is the time to recognize God.
Some pursue humanitarian good, trying to reform systems of oppression, healing the sick, teaching at universities, or taking on students (as Buddha and Confucius did).
But most are treated (though they may have home bases) as being wanderers who pursued God above all status positions, above all relationships and above all worldly wants.
Each person of course has a slightly different idea of what is right and wrong, of what is desirable, obtainable, etc. The path isn’t for all, and many of the stories of the Sufi’s are stories of turning down students, of being turned away themselves. Of staying humble to be on the path, and of being righteous to recognize what is not the path. To wake up every day with the desire to be used by God (to have a relationship with God) but then to also simultaneously believe that in the end, there is nothing but God… so who is asking? And to whom?
I find this focus to be especially warming to my heart in many cases… not that ego-centered “I am God” piece, but the idea that one cannot help but be connected with God, because we are made up of God, because we are energized by God, because God creates/renews, sustains and destroys us in each moment. Because the separation is in our heads…
And yet I am troubled, because the separation is so strong in my head… that lately I have been reading books and singing mantras, and listening to spiritual teachers and occasionally having good conversations… but in all other times I feel disconnected and lost. I feel lost in myself, my shallow ambitions, shallow projections, shallow thoughts and beliefs, my shallow actions keep me apart and because I am so shallow I feel like I have nothing to offer, or nothing left to offer… so I disconnect further. And maybe it is a lack of will, I see nothing in myself and nothing in the other, save when I see God… so when I do not see God, there is no desire except the shallow. A cycle of deep connection that cannot be sustained (or rather isn’t being) and a pit of muck, separation.
I wouldn’t say this is hell… I don’t actually feel despair… I feel exhausted from the effort. I go long periods of time longing for comfort and don’t get it because I have such a shallow view of what it should look/feel like. I have been here before… and had to go lower and lower, until I wasn’t myself… until I was sustained only on the smiles of others… but I don’t think that is the answer this time.
Time
Time has also been the big riddle to me lately… A few weeks back I had this experience where suddenly the idea of time didn’t need to exist… and it felt right. It felt like time is the ego. I watched a movie last night where the character actually said “Time is the sin” before he died… and that seems somehow right… and yet I am not sure how far to take this concept. I watched a spiritual teacher on youtube talk about how time is non-existent to God, and should be to us if we want to relate to God, or recognize God in ourselves, or be the mirror to God… because otherwise we depend on the before and after… we make excuses etc… and this gels with a lot of spiritual teachings about “living in the now” but really he was saying more than that. He was saying there is no before and after because Now is all that ever exists… and the idea of time passing doesn’t actually happen on a larger scale… energy is not destroyed, doesn’t age, simply changes form… and if we are energy than we are energy and need to stop believing in the illusory, the attachment to the idol of the material, the meaningless, the non-existent.
According to this teacher, God doesn’t recognize the illusory, and neither should we. And I find this troublesome because I like the idea of time not existing, on a mental level it makes sense, I have even been blessed with a moment or two of feeling it…or recognizing that it a false and changeable concept… but to acknowledge that the material doesn’t exist is so much harder for my soul to understand…
Buddhism teaches us not to get attached to the material because it causes us pain and ultimately doesn’t matter and I can acknowledge this because it is saying there is a material that doesn’t matter…(this is the lay person explanation, thought underneath I think it is just the nice way of saying that the material never existed) but to deny the very illusion of the material seems too hard for me to experience.
In the moment I lose myself, and find an hour later I am that much more judgmental, shallow and spiteful. I feel detachment but from what? If I am energy (and I can recognize this on an intellectual level), than why can’t I feel it all the time… why do I feel separate?
This is the sin, the only sin, the sin in every religion, Separation. Time is a separation so it is sinful, but so is space, so is the sensory/material… but I love it, I am attached to it, I desire it, and it gives me meaning… makes me feel things etc…
I know that these things are but a fraction of the whole… and therefor I need to redirect my attention to the whole… but I tried to deny porn for 31 days and couldn’t control myself, couldn’t will my way through it to the greater potential… so how do I do it with everything?
Every religion offers an answer; most say a combination of experience and denial, of meditation and slight changes till mastery. I can see this in my every day experiences…
If I don’t have a tv, I don’t often find myself obsessed with it. If I don’t have a certain cd, over time I forget its importance to me, if I don’t see a friend for a while -some of them leave my mind. Sometimes it is in fact the moment of remembrance (the reconnection) that is the most painful (but often the most joyful as well…) Perhaps if I didn’t have a mirror, I wouldn’t judge my physical appearance so much. If I didn’t have an okcupid/tumblr/facebook/youtube/blog/email etc I wouldn’t be so attached to them. If I didn’t have books I wouldn’t want to read them. If I didn’t have computer games I wouldn’t want to play them, if I didn’t have candy I wouldn’t want to eat it (tried and failed many times), but in all maybe it’s just a matter of temperance.
I often wonder if I became more physically undesirable whether I would stop wanting to pursue that… like if my face was ripped off, would I suddenly give up on the shallow aspects of relationships… or would I just become more of a hermit. If I were in prison would I be more free? If I were “disabled” would I be enabled to pursue higher things?
Anyway… I am drawn to spiritual teachings I can’t always experience, and it is driving me a little bonkers… I think partially because I don’t have anyone to explore them with… but it requires a lot of trust to pursue a spiritual relationship with another person.
And sometimes when I think back on the relationships I have had, I recognize that that was my pursuit despite the other variables… and perhaps that is what I have felt is missing in my life lately.
Saturday, March 09, 2013
Sometimes invisible cats pee on my clothes when they sit on the floor too long.
I think it just means my carpet needs to be cleaned, but there is something really amusing about the idea.
Last night a barista flirted with me, I am sure that meant nothing. In fact I think I saw her flirt with like 4 other people, but she watched me leave making eye contact the entire time, and said goodbye twice... and that is how a person gets regulars to give them more tips.
I woke up this morning at 8:30 and couldn't get back to sleep.
Thinking about Divine Unity
Thinking about a class to teach
Thinking about writing a movie.
I woke up after a while, to my surprise it was 2:00 PM. Now I have wasted half the day... but since I didn't have plans... maybe I will go to a coffee shop.
I think it just means my carpet needs to be cleaned, but there is something really amusing about the idea.
Last night a barista flirted with me, I am sure that meant nothing. In fact I think I saw her flirt with like 4 other people, but she watched me leave making eye contact the entire time, and said goodbye twice... and that is how a person gets regulars to give them more tips.
I woke up this morning at 8:30 and couldn't get back to sleep.
Thinking about Divine Unity
Thinking about a class to teach
Thinking about writing a movie.
I woke up after a while, to my surprise it was 2:00 PM. Now I have wasted half the day... but since I didn't have plans... maybe I will go to a coffee shop.
Wednesday, March 06, 2013
4 or 5
A) My room is like some weird vortex lately, a one way moving escalator that reverse upon morning, but in the late afternoon just doesn't have an exit. I came home with every intention of leaving again, go to the coffee shop was the agenda the entire day.... I made several calls and texts before I got home, intending to keep working on them... and now I don't even want to pick up the phone when people call back... its annoying that I can't seem to get things done, the moment I enter the no motivation black hole.
B) I have been in a better mood. I think it started right around the time I realized I had very few friends and needed to start being open about what was bothering ... go figure right?
I still don't know what I am doing with my life, but suddenly that feels less important... just continue to reach out occasionally and all is well no?
C) I am trying to avoid visually arousing material this month. Its more difficult than I imagine when I think these kinds of goals up.
D) I heard another version of this song recently and it reminded me how beautiful this it is... I looked up covers because I think some of the extra side effects kind of distract from how beautiful the song is but its hard because how do you cover Frusciante? this guy tried its not amazing, but its pretty decent... One of my former students tried a Frusciante song here. I am trying to get him to continue and make a series of them.
E) I have been watching this a lot lately
other things...
Sure been a full life for me
B) I have been in a better mood. I think it started right around the time I realized I had very few friends and needed to start being open about what was bothering ... go figure right?
I still don't know what I am doing with my life, but suddenly that feels less important... just continue to reach out occasionally and all is well no?
C) I am trying to avoid visually arousing material this month. Its more difficult than I imagine when I think these kinds of goals up.
D) I heard another version of this song recently and it reminded me how beautiful this it is... I looked up covers because I think some of the extra side effects kind of distract from how beautiful the song is but its hard because how do you cover Frusciante? this guy tried its not amazing, but its pretty decent... One of my former students tried a Frusciante song here. I am trying to get him to continue and make a series of them.
E) I have been watching this a lot lately
other things...
Sure been a full life for me
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
disturbing
I had a series of mostly violent, science fiction dreams last night.
They are fading from memory, but throughout the night had a lot of cohesion, each story wound its way into the next, the context was given, so each new element added color to the story.
I think I played the main character in each segment because I could remember their feelings, their perception of things... some of it was so real that I woke startled... for instance the torture scene... it just didn't feel too good.
In waking, I can recognize elements of the story from things I have seen in real life, video games, movies, news stories, books... but it also had a real life quality to it that was hard to shake.
The story began after a world event of massive destruction. 9 of the worlds leaders had been targeted, all 9 had been killed at the exact same time, sometimes by incredibly awful means. The idea was to inspire terror in the leadership. The same thing had happened to the world's richest men.
It was midnight, I was aware that this had occurred, whether I had prior knowledge or not, I knew that I needed to leave quickly. My St Paul apartment would quickly be compromised, as it was also the dwelling of the Vice President (now made President). He used the apartment for secret parties and affairs, but it would need to be scrubbed before the media confirmed that he was indeed alive and well. Would they search the other apartments? They were on lockdown within minutes.
I could already hear the guards pulling up outside the building, but knew that they were not coordinated enough to know what to look for yet. I had my things, by 3 AM, I snuck out the back way, there were guards, 3 soldiers and a military jeep, but they didn't notice. I was walking towards Minneapolis. It was not a warm day yet, on each corner soldiers were being posted, this was full scale war until further notice, the army had responded quickly but still had no information on what to look for. A guy walking around in the morning in his own city doesn't look suspicious. I knew I was meeting up with folks, continuing my life, but had to wait until a proper time to start the real day.
I stopped in at a store or two, my mind was racing about the plan.
The plan was simple and yet complex. No one knew who was involved, no one knew how it started and no one knew if it truly would work. 170 operatives, vaguely I knew I was involved but had no idea whether I had recruited the operatives or if I was one of them. I knew I had not been directly involved in any of the murders the previous day, but I also knew that they would happen. I knew like I knew what would happen next. PANIC
The idea was to instill fear in the leadership, in the rich and powerful. The people would be told the only way to ensure their own safety was to level the playing field. If by chance you happen to be in the same room with the wealthy man of your city, there was no way of knowing whether you would be blown up, or gassed, or given some disgusting bacterial disease. Our operatives were fully equipped with all types of weaponry. How did I know this? I didn't, but I did.
The rich and powerful would be told to step down. To give up their wealth, to roll over and play dead.
They wouldn't of course. So yearly this would happen.
18 of the rich and powerful, every year, with independent slayings happening all the time by the citizenry. How long till every system fell?
The war was on.
I didn't know my part, suddenly I remembered the only evidence to my involvement was on my phone, a coded poem. An "assignment" for class, I checked my pocket and began to laugh... I had left it in the apartment. Would they search it? Would they know?
My character spent the next few weeks wondering about that while a general state of emergency tried to still the panic. Eventually the army got word of where he was, and offered to return the phone.
*****There were a series of shorter dreams that played a part but that I can't remember*****
Finale
The war has been going for years... It is hard to know how many because technology has advanced, along with the militarism of the state. This is not the world we know.
I am a woman, I believe the Grand daughter of the first character. I am an operative, but I do not know my mission. We operate like Manchurian Candidates, we know just enough of the whole plan to keep up to date, but nothing of our own mission, nor that of our fellow operatives.
I am on the run. Through a series of awful encounters, I am aware that I have very little regard for human life, and neither do they.
I am captured
The torture is quick, but prolonged (I will explain).
I remember all types of pain but it wasn't until they started directly meddling with my brain that I spoke up. They were triggering vocal responses directly by applying electricity to different areas of my brain. I was furious... it all came out. 170 operatives *maybe more now, but all I knew was what every operative knew. Every year. Operatives were worthless once they had completed their mission, they would sink back into public life, kill themselves or wait to be reassigned. They were supposed to make it as graphic and violent as possible so no one would want that kind of death. I did not know when it would stop. I did not know who started it.
I was the first operative to be captured and successfully mined for information, a wound to my pride. But within moments I saw and felt the most awful thing... They removed my brain from my skull. The lid of my head plopped back into place loudly. I had no awareness and yet knew I was dying.
I tried to think of how anything was possible but couldn't think...
I saw myself in the mirror, I knew that I was restrained, the men came over and began to cut into my flesh, to saw through my head, they removed my brain, and my body fell over.
I saw myself in the mirror, I knew that I was restrained, the men came over and began to cut into my flesh, to saw through my head, they removed my brain, and my body fell over.
I saw myself in the mirror, I knew that I was restrained, the men came over and began to cut into my flesh, to saw through my head, they removed my brain, and my body fell over.
I saw myself in the mirror, each time my face changed slightly darker, slightly more grotesque, I knew that I was restrained. The men came over and flourished in their duty of inflicting pain, cutting into me, they had become artists in their mastery of torture, it was like a beautiful show designed to get the bad guy... or girl, me. They removed my brain, and my body fell over.
Each time I watched I became subtly more aware of the production and style. The slight alterations to the show. Each time I had no choice but to face the torment, to die.
I saw myself in the mirror, this time I was talking to them my tormentors. I asked them please do these things, cure me of myself. I saw that I had horns, two growing out of my forehead, another from my chin, and two from my temples. These were artificially grown, obviously didn't belong, but my voice was pleading with them to save me from myself. They began the torture, only this time it was the removal of my demonhood, and I cheered them on. As each horn was removed I became more and more innocent looking... but lastly they had to put me down... it was an act of mercy. They removed my brain, and my body fell over.
The act repeated itself... I was a thousand clones and each time the army that would punish me turned out to be my saviors. This was propaganda for the masses. I had no idea if it worked or not. Only that each time was as painful, each time was the only thing I experienced. A few minutes of the procedure before I was destroyed again. The world continues this way.
They are fading from memory, but throughout the night had a lot of cohesion, each story wound its way into the next, the context was given, so each new element added color to the story.
I think I played the main character in each segment because I could remember their feelings, their perception of things... some of it was so real that I woke startled... for instance the torture scene... it just didn't feel too good.
In waking, I can recognize elements of the story from things I have seen in real life, video games, movies, news stories, books... but it also had a real life quality to it that was hard to shake.
The story began after a world event of massive destruction. 9 of the worlds leaders had been targeted, all 9 had been killed at the exact same time, sometimes by incredibly awful means. The idea was to inspire terror in the leadership. The same thing had happened to the world's richest men.
It was midnight, I was aware that this had occurred, whether I had prior knowledge or not, I knew that I needed to leave quickly. My St Paul apartment would quickly be compromised, as it was also the dwelling of the Vice President (now made President). He used the apartment for secret parties and affairs, but it would need to be scrubbed before the media confirmed that he was indeed alive and well. Would they search the other apartments? They were on lockdown within minutes.
I could already hear the guards pulling up outside the building, but knew that they were not coordinated enough to know what to look for yet. I had my things, by 3 AM, I snuck out the back way, there were guards, 3 soldiers and a military jeep, but they didn't notice. I was walking towards Minneapolis. It was not a warm day yet, on each corner soldiers were being posted, this was full scale war until further notice, the army had responded quickly but still had no information on what to look for. A guy walking around in the morning in his own city doesn't look suspicious. I knew I was meeting up with folks, continuing my life, but had to wait until a proper time to start the real day.
I stopped in at a store or two, my mind was racing about the plan.
The plan was simple and yet complex. No one knew who was involved, no one knew how it started and no one knew if it truly would work. 170 operatives, vaguely I knew I was involved but had no idea whether I had recruited the operatives or if I was one of them. I knew I had not been directly involved in any of the murders the previous day, but I also knew that they would happen. I knew like I knew what would happen next. PANIC
The idea was to instill fear in the leadership, in the rich and powerful. The people would be told the only way to ensure their own safety was to level the playing field. If by chance you happen to be in the same room with the wealthy man of your city, there was no way of knowing whether you would be blown up, or gassed, or given some disgusting bacterial disease. Our operatives were fully equipped with all types of weaponry. How did I know this? I didn't, but I did.
The rich and powerful would be told to step down. To give up their wealth, to roll over and play dead.
They wouldn't of course. So yearly this would happen.
18 of the rich and powerful, every year, with independent slayings happening all the time by the citizenry. How long till every system fell?
The war was on.
I didn't know my part, suddenly I remembered the only evidence to my involvement was on my phone, a coded poem. An "assignment" for class, I checked my pocket and began to laugh... I had left it in the apartment. Would they search it? Would they know?
My character spent the next few weeks wondering about that while a general state of emergency tried to still the panic. Eventually the army got word of where he was, and offered to return the phone.
*****There were a series of shorter dreams that played a part but that I can't remember*****
Finale
The war has been going for years... It is hard to know how many because technology has advanced, along with the militarism of the state. This is not the world we know.
I am a woman, I believe the Grand daughter of the first character. I am an operative, but I do not know my mission. We operate like Manchurian Candidates, we know just enough of the whole plan to keep up to date, but nothing of our own mission, nor that of our fellow operatives.
I am on the run. Through a series of awful encounters, I am aware that I have very little regard for human life, and neither do they.
I am captured
The torture is quick, but prolonged (I will explain).
I remember all types of pain but it wasn't until they started directly meddling with my brain that I spoke up. They were triggering vocal responses directly by applying electricity to different areas of my brain. I was furious... it all came out. 170 operatives *maybe more now, but all I knew was what every operative knew. Every year. Operatives were worthless once they had completed their mission, they would sink back into public life, kill themselves or wait to be reassigned. They were supposed to make it as graphic and violent as possible so no one would want that kind of death. I did not know when it would stop. I did not know who started it.
I was the first operative to be captured and successfully mined for information, a wound to my pride. But within moments I saw and felt the most awful thing... They removed my brain from my skull. The lid of my head plopped back into place loudly. I had no awareness and yet knew I was dying.
I tried to think of how anything was possible but couldn't think...
I saw myself in the mirror, I knew that I was restrained, the men came over and began to cut into my flesh, to saw through my head, they removed my brain, and my body fell over.
I saw myself in the mirror, I knew that I was restrained, the men came over and began to cut into my flesh, to saw through my head, they removed my brain, and my body fell over.
I saw myself in the mirror, I knew that I was restrained, the men came over and began to cut into my flesh, to saw through my head, they removed my brain, and my body fell over.
I saw myself in the mirror, each time my face changed slightly darker, slightly more grotesque, I knew that I was restrained. The men came over and flourished in their duty of inflicting pain, cutting into me, they had become artists in their mastery of torture, it was like a beautiful show designed to get the bad guy... or girl, me. They removed my brain, and my body fell over.
Each time I watched I became subtly more aware of the production and style. The slight alterations to the show. Each time I had no choice but to face the torment, to die.
I saw myself in the mirror, this time I was talking to them my tormentors. I asked them please do these things, cure me of myself. I saw that I had horns, two growing out of my forehead, another from my chin, and two from my temples. These were artificially grown, obviously didn't belong, but my voice was pleading with them to save me from myself. They began the torture, only this time it was the removal of my demonhood, and I cheered them on. As each horn was removed I became more and more innocent looking... but lastly they had to put me down... it was an act of mercy. They removed my brain, and my body fell over.
The act repeated itself... I was a thousand clones and each time the army that would punish me turned out to be my saviors. This was propaganda for the masses. I had no idea if it worked or not. Only that each time was as painful, each time was the only thing I experienced. A few minutes of the procedure before I was destroyed again. The world continues this way.
Sunday, March 03, 2013
I have lots of thoughts
Lets see if I can get them out...
not that they are important.
I have a list of things to do:
laundry and cleaning
letters and post cards
Continuing education credits
pick up my roommate
conference call
read and write
paint more
paint my nails
I am talking to Melissa who is in scotland again for school...
It is making me feel less like writing.
Anyway... sorry this doesn't matter at all
not that they are important.
I have a list of things to do:
laundry and cleaning
letters and post cards
Continuing education credits
pick up my roommate
conference call
read and write
paint more
paint my nails
I am talking to Melissa who is in scotland again for school...
It is making me feel less like writing.
Anyway... sorry this doesn't matter at all
Friday, March 01, 2013
Gumballs, street performers, sufis and smiles
First of all this is amazing... there is still a part of me that wants to be a street performer
Second, there is part of me that wants to be a wandering ascetic.
Third when I feel all spiritual, I really enjoy your smile.
I am teaching Islam in World Religions class, mental disorders in Psych and unions in US history.
I am worried about certain aspects of my job, but I love these topics... I just love to see students engaged and question. I love to be able to share with them the things I find beautiful and interesting and feel passion for...
I was reading about all these Sufis tonight.... I don't know I just felt really inspired. I kept wanting to talk to the people around me, wanted to tell them they were beautiful, wanted to see more and feel more and be more.
I don't know if my attachment to this world is good or bad, it feels so right, how could it be wrong?
Some of the mystics were killed for being blasphemers when they became so intoxicated with God that they declared themselves and all around them one, the ultimate unity of God is when there is no division, and to the outsider this is blasphemy... but what would that feel like?
I miss you.
Second, there is part of me that wants to be a wandering ascetic.
Third when I feel all spiritual, I really enjoy your smile.
I am teaching Islam in World Religions class, mental disorders in Psych and unions in US history.
I am worried about certain aspects of my job, but I love these topics... I just love to see students engaged and question. I love to be able to share with them the things I find beautiful and interesting and feel passion for...
I was reading about all these Sufis tonight.... I don't know I just felt really inspired. I kept wanting to talk to the people around me, wanted to tell them they were beautiful, wanted to see more and feel more and be more.
I don't know if my attachment to this world is good or bad, it feels so right, how could it be wrong?
Some of the mystics were killed for being blasphemers when they became so intoxicated with God that they declared themselves and all around them one, the ultimate unity of God is when there is no division, and to the outsider this is blasphemy... but what would that feel like?
I miss you.
