Congrats miss
I don't know what to say, I hope life is what you wanted it to be.
I hope people made you smile, laugh, feel loved, and stopped playing laser tag when you asked them to.

saturDAY

I was nervous particularly on the one issue, how do you ask people if they want coffee sleeves?
Flyering I had done... several times over the past few weeks. I was pretty clear on what was expected, I could envision each message board, or stack of flyers where I would make my attachment or drop, but asking about coffee sleeves meant conversation, meant interaction with busy baristas.

Turns out its pretty easy to get people to take free shit.  I had no refusals. I even got the slight whiff of excitement. "Marriage Equality we are for."  "Sure we'll take them, we don't even have coffee sleeves" "Free? awesome (points to stack of coffee sleeves)".

This time around was easy, I don't know why I had been dreading it so much.
I guess because I don't know if its doing anything real... sure the people we know are seeing the message, but does it excite people? Will they respond?

The event is Mar 18th. 8 days till we find out what we are capable of the first time around. We set a ambitious goal of 200, we are wondering about 60 at this point.
Grant just got a job with MUAF so that means he can get out the word in a variety of new ways, but may not be able to promote us in the same way.

I am officially going to Portland at the end of the month to learn about other progressive congregations and share ideas. I may jump up to Seattle to see Gabs and Mel.  I could use the break, the freedom of travel, the ideas that come when all you have going is time to think. The time to reflect on what it is to just exist in a space and let time move.

I think my heart has been hurting because we are coming up on Spring Break.
I spent last year running out to England to get my freedom on, to reassure Becky that she was okay.
Turns out she is, without me. 
I have really good memories of that trip. It still means a lot to me, but now I feel this huge loss when I think about it.  I guess sometimes disappointment and rejection feel the same to me.  I am disappointed.   I feel like I love this person but hate the way they live their life, maybe I am just bitter...
When my heart hurts sometimes its hard to get my mind straight. Its like this cloudy substance that keeps me from seeing anything clearly. I have been really annoyed with that because its the exact time I need to be more clear... I have two giant projects that I call my livelihood.
I have friends who have needs. I have needs and desires that I can't quite explain or ask help with.

It's Steve's 26th birthday. He just told me he has been on medical leave for 2 weeks and that he wants to leave the state. I told him to leave the country... go find something real.
I haven't really checked in with him since we went to Denny's months ago.

Its funny to hear he is in a similar place, I am so attached yet feel kind of lost, he is unattached and feels lost.

That's some perspective for ya. 

The music at this coffee shop is annoyingly loud, makes it hard to think. I like it sometimes though... how annoying



WHEN I got here I was thinking about how lost I am. I started reading the Deepak Chopra book and started feeling more centered and then wondered if I was really lost or just feeling that way because I was dwelling on the things that were slightly out of reach. Trying to control everything. Then I wrote some notes and felt better
A list of things I want to do this week, a schedule of the days, a list of names of people I want to invite to the event on the 18th. I want to write another thing, something more comprehensive about all the things I know are going on right now. So I can get them out of my brain, and onto something to see. A quick reference guide instead of a dwelling or intuition that I can't shake.



I don't know what else to say... this is the funniest new show I have discovered.

no one believed him

Listening to first aid kit. I never really liked them other than the one cover, and then I heard them on the radio recently and thought "damn I love this band"  and that is how I discover music these days... music that everyone else discovered like 10 years ago and told me about... and then it takes me all this time to realize I like it.

I was having coffee with someone tonight and she kept challenging my points, and I knew that it was out of her desire to get me to see how great things were, and because my cynicism was pointing in the way of the things she spends her life doing, but it felt weird to be challenged and with such clarity that it made my entire idea fall apart.

That's how I feel lately. Like I can't clarify my ideas and other people can outargue me. 

But it was actually kind of nice to have someone so defiant and well-spoken challenge my pessimism. It made me feel out of touch, but sort of gave me a lot of hope to see someone passionate.

I may have gotten my reassurance today when that same individual walked up to and hugged/chatted with a former student(one of my favorite former students). They had canvassed together and it made me realize that the right people meet the right people and things are good. 

I haven't been convinced myself tonight... but I think that was supposed to be a sign.

I am worried about work. 

I fear that we have reached some scary point of no return. 

Its hard to put that fear into words, but it permeates the atmosphere sometimes, people are tense and ready to snap. 

My friend told me tonight that it sounded like I was trying to "save" my students...

I didn't want to admit it, but I think there is something to that again.

I think I have been caught up in the whole, if I don't do it, it won't get done... in SoT, in work and with the students... like I have to get them to think before its too late!

Over last winter break I had to repeat to myself over and over that it isn't my responsibility to save these organizations... that if they aren't sustainable, and we can't collectively find a way to make them that way, then its not my fault if they fail.

But its hard when you see things falling apart and you watch the people you care about stumbling for falling dishes and they catch a few, but a few shatter on the floor and you watch them cringe in pain as they step on broken fragments, and you can't help but reach for a few too many plates yourself,  few too many steps and suddenly you too are a bloody mess.

I might be going to Portland for a few days... maybe hit up Seattle too.

My coworkers make a lot of jokes lately about the women they think I am destined to marry.

Its this cute joke, that makes me feel simultaneously sort of embarrassed and super happy.

So far the list includes one of our student's mothers (who I have to call a lot due to behavior issues)

and this lady (a done deal once I get a plane ticket),  as well as any random they see me look at, like the waitress at the restaurant we went to a week or two ago (who I was looking at because I was worried she was going to get sauce all over my food).  The embarrassment comes from the obvious fact that they have known me for years and I have almost never mentioned anything romantic (because I haven't really had anything). The happy part comes from the idea that they make it seem like they have full confidence that if I just went down to Chile or had the right run in, it would be as simple as that. Like they make it seem like it would be really easy if I actually tried. Like I am loveable, like its only a matter of my intention.  There is something really reassuring there... though I know they don't have the full story... its nice to believe they have that kind of faith in me, even if it is a joke. 

Tomorrow we start evals. I didn't get what I wanted to accomplish tonight done... but I got what I needed done.  Maybe tomorrow I can give it another try. 

Goodnight 

This song cracks me up (Its a revised version of another of his songs, specially made for the election cycle, almost completely new lyrics).

so many great lines, but I really enjoy the

"He got a flat tire, cuz of gay marriage
Brett Favre retired cuz of gay marriage"

Dreams and Dreams

First off this

What do you think?

I love the idea, but even if it doesn't work, you gotta give it up for the inspiring videography.

Second:  my Cat is a pig, the one cat just ate both the cats' food.

Third:

I went to bed asking for reassurance that I was on the right path.

This is my dream.

I pull up to a white house that strangely has an overhang like a drop off spot for people... I am driving a dirty white car and it is clear that I have been driving for a long time.

I get out of the car with a few bags and a lot of nervousness, wonder what the hell I am doing here. Worry that I am overstepping some boundaries.

At this point I am alone, but later I seem to have a companion at times. 

I wait at the door, and two people show up, one is Lex, she is frazzled and not happy to see me. The other is her fiance, who looks nothing like her real life fiance, but rather more like a movie star. She is upset, but allows me to speak. 

I say something to the effect of "I have traveled all this way to try to make it up to you, the least you can do is let me stay a few days." 

There doesn't seem to be much open resistance, but there is almost no welcoming on either of their faces. 

He seems annoyed, but well mannered enough to try to make the best of the situation. She seems cold, and gives me a look like "stay out of my way."

The house is big enough.

I am not sure how long I am there, but there is a noticeable recognition that I must return home to work within a few days.  I seem to be anxious that the point of my visit won't occur, until right before I leave, but I don't generally seem to be trying anything out but entertaining myself.

The house fills up. Over the few days I am there, there are more and more house guests of all manner. People don't seem to be in any particular hurry, they have no mission, they want to enjoy themselves, and don't really care what else is going on.

Throughout my time there I see in crowded rooms, Alexis giving me looks of frustration, followed by her exit. As if she doesn't want to make a scene. Her fiance on the other hand, warms up to me. We pal around with the other guests, at one point I feel like he is my main but very friendly competition in a giant game of laser tag that is being played in and around the guests (with them as obstacles). 

The conclusion never occurs. I wake up

I don't think this dream offered any kind of reassurance. Neither did any of the dreams that followed. I guess I was looking for reassurance on two levels:
A) Am I doing the right thing with my life? am I on the right path?
B) Will I find the sort of romantic relationship I want to find if I stay on this path?

The other dreams have all been frustrating and somewhat negative. 
I gave Illy an example of a dream in which I was eating  a single slice of pizza (something I desire a whole lot but also fear to a great extent).  I was eating this slice of pizza while listening to someone tell in great detail of a mutual acquaintance who went in to fits of hysterics while eating pizza, because he realized that it was killing him. He got angry, almost violent, and then suddenly his organs seized up and he went into a coma.  I listened to this story, remembered the last time I had a significant amount of dairy which resulted in me becoming violently ill, and took another bite.  
It was like I had a choice but couldn't fathom not eating the pizza. Like I had already resigned to the horrible end I would come to even though I was being warned, even though it wasn't too late... it felt like it was. 

I am not sure exactly what that means. For the most part in my day I am optimistic, but facing huge problems in all of the work that I do. I look for reassurance and find confusion, chaos and feelings of powerlessness in the face of obvious self destruction. 

But I don't feel like I am on the wrong track... I just wonder if maybe it is supposed to be easier... or feel more pleasurable... or if there is supposed to be more reassurance imbedded. 

oh well 

relish

I have over 2000 posts

Last night Illy said something like "Yeah, cuz you're the only one in the world that thinks things."

Shultz  and the cats woke me up asking about movies and food, respectively.

Today I play Diplomacy

Right now I am listening to Joanna Newsom

Two things on Tumblr make me LOL this morning... one of them was this tidbit of hilarity

"I’m so proud of her for producing this book from her brain and I think a lot of you will really relish in it. On account of most of you are hot dogs. The rest of you will think it is neat on a human level."

The other was a woman named roseellendix who is a very vulgar british lesbian college student. 

Today we have a potluck at SoT, followed by a marriage campaign meeting, followed by diplomacy,  none of which I have followed through on to the extent I was expected. 

It is 8:43 AM

We spent a lot of last night talking about marriage and relationships. I wonder what we would have talked about if it had been a group of guys instead of women. 

3 more days of class until evals *finals

14 days until the mar 18 event that we have been working on for a few months... no idea how many people will actually come.