First off this
What do you think?
I love the idea, but even if it doesn't work, you gotta give it up for the inspiring videography.
Second: my Cat is a pig, the one cat just ate both the cats' food.
Third:
I went to bed asking for reassurance that I was on the right path.
This is my dream.
I pull up to a white house that strangely has an overhang like a drop off spot for people... I am driving a dirty white car and it is clear that I have been driving for a long time.
I get out of the car with a few bags and a lot of nervousness, wonder what the hell I am doing here. Worry that I am overstepping some boundaries.
At this point I am alone, but later I seem to have a companion at times.
I wait at the door, and two people show up, one is Lex, she is frazzled and not happy to see me. The other is her fiance, who looks nothing like her real life fiance, but rather more like a movie star. She is upset, but allows me to speak.
I say something to the effect of "I have traveled all this way to try to make it up to you, the least you can do is let me stay a few days."
There doesn't seem to be much open resistance, but there is almost no welcoming on either of their faces.
He seems annoyed, but well mannered enough to try to make the best of the situation. She seems cold, and gives me a look like "stay out of my way."
The house is big enough.
I am not sure how long I am there, but there is a noticeable recognition that I must return home to work within a few days. I seem to be anxious that the point of my visit won't occur, until right before I leave, but I don't generally seem to be trying anything out but entertaining myself.
The house fills up. Over the few days I am there, there are more and more house guests of all manner. People don't seem to be in any particular hurry, they have no mission, they want to enjoy themselves, and don't really care what else is going on.
Throughout my time there I see in crowded rooms, Alexis giving me looks of frustration, followed by her exit. As if she doesn't want to make a scene. Her fiance on the other hand, warms up to me. We pal around with the other guests, at one point I feel like he is my main but very friendly competition in a giant game of laser tag that is being played in and around the guests (with them as obstacles).
The conclusion never occurs. I wake up
I don't think this dream offered any kind of reassurance. Neither did any of the dreams that followed. I guess I was looking for reassurance on two levels:
A) Am I doing the right thing with my life? am I on the right path?
B) Will I find the sort of romantic relationship I want to find if I stay on this path?
The other dreams have all been frustrating and somewhat negative.
I gave Illy an example of a dream in which I was eating a single slice of pizza (something I desire a whole lot but also fear to a great extent). I was eating this slice of pizza while listening to someone tell in great detail of a mutual acquaintance who went in to fits of hysterics while eating pizza, because he realized that it was killing him. He got angry, almost violent, and then suddenly his organs seized up and he went into a coma. I listened to this story, remembered the last time I had a significant amount of dairy which resulted in me becoming violently ill, and took another bite.
It was like I had a choice but couldn't fathom not eating the pizza. Like I had already resigned to the horrible end I would come to even though I was being warned, even though it wasn't too late... it felt like it was.
I am not sure exactly what that means. For the most part in my day I am optimistic, but facing huge problems in all of the work that I do. I look for reassurance and find confusion, chaos and feelings of powerlessness in the face of obvious self destruction.
But I don't feel like I am on the wrong track... I just wonder if maybe it is supposed to be easier... or feel more pleasurable... or if there is supposed to be more reassurance imbedded.
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