It might be a mistake to be writing right now... after all I am pretty tired and maybe that is the point.  These last few days I have been feeling increasingly anxious, a little paranoid, quite self conscious.

Last week I stopped listening to sleep hypnosis videos while going to sleep and almost instantly started having issues sleeping again. Unable to fall asleep, too many thoughts  and when I do fall asleep I toss and turn till 2-3 in the morning, sometimes later, feeling like I am in and out of sleep, with relatively no actual regeneration... I wake up exhausted, sometimes feeling worse than when I went to sleep and so very often I head to work crabby.
During this same time period I stopped some bad habits that I also use the computer for, because my computer was broken and my sex drive was pretty nil, and I was worried about my anatomy, and I was stressed about work.
It seemed the perfect opportunity to get rid of this thing that has been bothering me for so long.

Over the weekend I got sick, so I was taking nyquil, and though I tossed and turned, at least it sort of knocked me out.

I took my computer in to be fixed or at least save the data...
I always get paranoid when I do this, because although there is nothing "saved" to my computer that would in any way jeopardize my social standing, I have it on good authority that basically any computer keeps a record of all files that it has gone through, and I can't say that I am exactly innocent in my habits.

I have no idea what a person could find in the thousands of hours I have spent online looking around... I feel it could be rather hazardous to a person's health, it has been to mine, and I imagine that many a person would be rather hostile towards some of it.

That being said... I don't think that is the only reason I am feeling paranoid.

There is something about cutting off access to the normal patterns, whether it be the cartoon websites I visit every day, or the vast quantities of resources I have gathered for school... or the silly things like the link to my okcupid page...  Its not a real separation, but separation from the comforts and security of the norm.
Its not sitting in my room all night long...

and more.

Tearful I get through the day,
The awful topic of sexual assault/abuse/rape is the curriculum theme of the week at work -so its a reading here a reading there and certain lines set me off. Last night I was actually thankful when I realized the students would be reading the piece out loud and not me, because I have already broken down in front of them in the past few weeks and that didn't even quite hit so close to home.
I thought I saw Aimee today. I thought I had written that relationship off, but almost instantly my heart hurt, I wanted to turn my car around and chase her. I wanted to know how she spends her time, and feel the presence I once felt before she became so wounded...
But its also the longing... I long to feel the things I once felt, the closeness I have felt in love relationships past... its been years.  and I am sad that I don't know how to open myself up to possibilities anymore. and I just miss them...
I miss the easiness of melting into someone, of wanting to be good for them instead of for myself, I miss romantic intimacy, and I miss their personalities, jokes, stories, excitement, songs.
I miss the moments I filled with joy and stared and played the moment over in my head...

When it comes to Becky, I feel like I just have this big hole that I ignore all the time because I don't know what to fill it with to make it suck less.

I feel like Jess V is mad at me and I think that's another reason I am paranoid. 

Anytime someone is mad I just lose myself.... I told her I would break plans that I was really looking forward to, to hang with her... but then when we couldn't get anything together I cancelled the night before, and went with the original plan... it was a shady move to make plans with her in the first place, and a shady move to break them.
I had a lot of fun playing stupid board games and I don't want to feel guilty for that...

But I also really value her presence even though I get frustrated, I want to hang out with her,  and I think she has always had a lot of influence over my view of myself... which is another reason I am all crazy all of a sudden.

I keep having all of these thoughts about how bad things could get... I always wonder if people will abandon me like they should, or hurt themselves to hold on.

A few years ago my therapist diagnosed me as having generalized anxiety and he wondered if it was just a temporary thing.  I always wonder about that too... like am I actually just a really well-functioning anxious nightmare, or do I just dabble in the anxiety... is it something I am outgrowing?

I almost started crying talking to Victoria today. She keeps saying really nice things to me, which keeps me from feeling worthless,  but at other times keeps checking certain statements I make, and I can't tell if its just because I am really self conscious right now that it hurts so much when she does it, or if she is actually using some knife.  I was telling her that I was feeling really anxious and it just felt right to say this is what I was like all throughout high school... I kept it really hidden (like I do now) but I always assumed people knew.  Its so much harder to fight off the waves of doubt now, because they are less frequent. When it was an every hour thing, it seemed manageable, when it comes now and then its like a fucking punch in the face out of nowhere... the few things I have figured out so far are that A) I am not functioning at full capacity-anxiety-exhaustion-still sick B) the doubt and paranoia comes when I am alone, or about to be with people, like tonight I was at this restaurant and I started thinking this chinese man could read my thoughts because he was staring at me... C) the general anxiety is causing me to be a workhorse.

In order to keep from feeling completely overwhelmed I have just been working(keeping busy) from the time I wake up till the time I go to bed.  This has been good in many ways, but I also feel like my ability to concentrate, and the quality of the work is suffering immensely. That seems to run counter to the praise I am getting for the work... but a lot of the paranoia is about letting these same people down, or hurting them unintentionally. 

I'm starting to wonder about just how open I can be with people... or should I just keep everything secret.
Like when I am like this I sometimes see things that aren't real... and I know they aren't real... I know its my eyes and my brain playing tricks on me... and that its because I am stressed and tired, but its hard not to want to talk about.

I was looking for a poem with the JF song I am listening to, but the link doesn't work anymore... and its on the other computer...

so I  found this one which seems to fit the occasion much more prominently...

Starting to feel really worthless
without a friend or love to share it with.
Why is it no one can hear without defense or jealousy?
Just a moment to meet as equals without scorn or hardheartedness.
I don’t even know what I am seeking
another broken heart, half healed
lips that understand my aches, and sooth
rather than breaking them open with the scorn, born deep throated, quick fire
so that as the words leave, she gasps unsure where that bite came from, but her snapping teeth are clenched all the same.
Or worse its unsaid, quick glance away at the exact moment, silence as always, the sound that shatters,
cruel joke you can’t hear it breaking, but the shock waves reverberating causing every muscle to strain, could swear you were upright, yet still seizing and shaking
now pretend to go on just the same.
I’m a champion of the non-involved, a coward.
I’ve run continents away. I’ve sat in my own cell filled with fantasy, pervert monk, always stoic except in writing. Always publicly studious, covered yet conniving.  Dreaming, ever escalating the pedestal, the scales always balanced so the shame descends as well. Like my back that bends to humble, doubt supersedes all thoughts of ambition, all attempts to embrace replaced by longings for recognition.

Its funny, seeing the patterns in my own thoughts over the years is often times something that pains me... but tonight its comforting to know that I am NOT so far gone, that this isn't out of the ordinary for me.

To due list 2-21-12

Tonight I was supposed to:

1) Correct evals, (write up a response to the class)

2) Correct an Essay(✔)

3) Take an online training for testing

4) Look up current Sexual Assault stats (✔)

5) Read 3 pages about "common feelings of a person who has been sexually assualted) (✔)

6) Prepare questions for US History class

7) Prepare questions or a worksheet for Social Sci Fi Class

8) Watch a movie for Men's Class

9) Meet With Ben (✔)

10) Meet with Anya

11) Do research on student groups who might be interested in SoT (✔)

12) Proofwatch five 3-5 min videos

13) Update the SoT blog (✔)

14) Update the SoT website with Ben(✔)

15) Update the SoT Facebook (✔)

16) Clean the Kitchen (✔)

1,6,7,12 may still be doable if I want to be up for another hour.

Yah yah yah cookie

Starting to wonder if I should make this blog {private}  there are already times when I don't post the things I write, but recently we were discussing cyberbullying/sexting/cyber stalking with the students and I revealed that there were times this thing got me into trouble. That of course opens up the possibility that my students will find this here website... or any of the other ones.

Hmmm  so if this blog suddenly disappears and you still want to read it just ask.

I took my desktop into the store today to have them try to save any data I have on there before it crashes. They said they could recycle it for me when its done... which I though was cute considering they scrap comps and do a lot of refurbishing... its like "hey we will recycle that for you" literally we will let someone else use it.

I'm on the quil, I started feeling really sick yesterday and it keeps getting worse. I took a couple of doses of nyquil last night and some dayquil that is slowly waring off on me right now.  Its weird that drugs work.

I am editing videos for SoT right now. All of my writing and creative time either goes to school of SoT...
One of the nicest things is walking into flyer a place and its already been flyered... and seeing someone else with a SoT bumper sticker on their car while driving...
its like whoa, its working.

I had a conversation with someone about praying last night, and it was really nice. I wish I had more conversations about religion with people... about how you don't have to be a crazy person to believe in something, or feel comforted.


I have been really enjoying my strange dreams lately... some of them involve these really weird embarrassing situations that I just handle... like ok I could be ashamed but instead I am just going to get through it. I always wonder what that means. Could it be that I am growing as a person? Or that my subconscious is trying to prepare me? Or that I should share more embarrassing things with people? or that its all okay?

I like this mucho

g

tough actions

Earlier this year in Men's class we had a conversation on why it is important to have tough conversations.
Following the discussion, my coworker (who is also an emt) did a short powerpoint on symptoms and diseases and things that can happen to male genitals.
It was a shock video, you know the kind that grosses everyone out, but at the same time the message was important. If something is wrong get help.
I have been having pain in that area for a few days... its a sort of dull ache, nothing that would make me cry or scream or anything.  All the websites say it could be different things and that I should go to the doctor...
The two things keeping me from that are A) time  B) money.

I have health insurance so its no big deal, but I just feel weird about being checked out if its nothing. Especially since that costs money for nothing.
The last time I went to my doctor it was nothing, the time before nothing.
I don't even really have a doctor, I just go to the one my mom got me into when I had shingles...
Anyway, if it turns out to be something I need surgery for I feel like I wouldn't have time to do that till spring break (which is like 2 months away).

I feel very little worry about this as far as the actual symptoms...
at worse testicular cancer is like 95% no problem.
If I end up being infertile, there will be some grieving but it will save me a whole lot of anxiety around having children I cant afford... and I  have really only been sexually active for like an 1/9 of my life.
Which is sad, but whatevs. 

purpose --> passion

One of my favorite riotfolk.org songs has the line "and God didn't give her a soul but art did." I think its funny how despite my faith I find that a really beautiful and true statement. Regardless of the "soul" we have at birth, its not until we find our passions that we have any sense of who we are, where we are headed.

Yesterday I was sitting with Aleks at Spyhouse on Hennepin. We were discussing, organizing, politics, teaching, leadership, personal barriers to our accepting responsibility, and I (at least) was enjoying the conversation, but didn't quite know where it was going (despite the fact that I asked him there for "business" reasons).
So first off you should come to Alek's event on Feb 11th Winter Wonder Walk/Ride
and my event on Mar 18th

Anyway, Aleks is discussing how e is easily swayed by a beautiful woman to do the things he actually wants to do but normally wouldn't, and mid conversation he starts paying more attention to the woman at the table next to us and the wild story she is telling.
This embarrasses her enough that she has to retell us the story, and Aleks proceeds to flirt with her/have some really good honest fun conversations.
Turns out she is a prof at the U, turns out she is with a group of students, and former students who are from all over the world. Turns out half the group is gay, turns out they like our flyers.
Turns out they want to have some conversations on the topics that we are discussing too.

At this point it felt, pretty wonderful, kind of human and magical... to just meet random people, find connections learn to appreciate each other with ease. I think more than half of this comes from the fact that almost the entire table were people who had left their home country to enjoy the fruits of the world, and Aleks and I have both done our fair share of traveling. One could also chalk it up to the go-getter connector nature that Aleks exhibits with ease (yet doesn't seem to recognize the power of).

But it made me feel, just right, like the purpose of being at Spyhouse had been affirmed, doubly (aleks, and the table).
So then we are getting up to leave and this guy comes over and says "Hi I overheard you, I am very interested in what you are doing, I run a radio program that talks about spiritual issues and work with a group of spiritual progressives, here's my card. Get in contact with me"  basically.
triple score

There is this feeling I used to get all the time while traveling that things had come together as they should.
Yesterday they did.
Its one of the moments that comes every 6 years and tells you you are on the right path-keep it up.