Last week I stopped listening to sleep hypnosis videos while going to sleep and almost instantly started having issues sleeping again. Unable to fall asleep, too many thoughts and when I do fall asleep I toss and turn till 2-3 in the morning, sometimes later, feeling like I am in and out of sleep, with relatively no actual regeneration... I wake up exhausted, sometimes feeling worse than when I went to sleep and so very often I head to work crabby.
During this same time period I stopped some bad habits that I also use the computer for, because my computer was broken and my sex drive was pretty nil, and I was worried about my anatomy, and I was stressed about work.
It seemed the perfect opportunity to get rid of this thing that has been bothering me for so long.
Over the weekend I got sick, so I was taking nyquil, and though I tossed and turned, at least it sort of knocked me out.
I took my computer in to be fixed or at least save the data...
I always get paranoid when I do this, because although there is nothing "saved" to my computer that would in any way jeopardize my social standing, I have it on good authority that basically any computer keeps a record of all files that it has gone through, and I can't say that I am exactly innocent in my habits.
I have no idea what a person could find in the thousands of hours I have spent online looking around... I feel it could be rather hazardous to a person's health, it has been to mine, and I imagine that many a person would be rather hostile towards some of it.
That being said... I don't think that is the only reason I am feeling paranoid.
There is something about cutting off access to the normal patterns, whether it be the cartoon websites I visit every day, or the vast quantities of resources I have gathered for school... or the silly things like the link to my okcupid page... Its not a real separation, but separation from the comforts and security of the norm.
Its not sitting in my room all night long...
and more.
Tearful I get through the day,
The awful topic of sexual assault/abuse/rape is the curriculum theme of the week at work -so its a reading here a reading there and certain lines set me off. Last night I was actually thankful when I realized the students would be reading the piece out loud and not me, because I have already broken down in front of them in the past few weeks and that didn't even quite hit so close to home.
I thought I saw Aimee today. I thought I had written that relationship off, but almost instantly my heart hurt, I wanted to turn my car around and chase her. I wanted to know how she spends her time, and feel the presence I once felt before she became so wounded...
But its also the longing... I long to feel the things I once felt, the closeness I have felt in love relationships past... its been years. and I am sad that I don't know how to open myself up to possibilities anymore. and I just miss them...
I miss the easiness of melting into someone, of wanting to be good for them instead of for myself, I miss romantic intimacy, and I miss their personalities, jokes, stories, excitement, songs.
I miss the moments I filled with joy and stared and played the moment over in my head...
When it comes to Becky, I feel like I just have this big hole that I ignore all the time because I don't know what to fill it with to make it suck less.
I feel like Jess V is mad at me and I think that's another reason I am paranoid.
Anytime someone is mad I just lose myself.... I told her I would break plans that I was really looking forward to, to hang with her... but then when we couldn't get anything together I cancelled the night before, and went with the original plan... it was a shady move to make plans with her in the first place, and a shady move to break them.
I had a lot of fun playing stupid board games and I don't want to feel guilty for that...
But I also really value her presence even though I get frustrated, I want to hang out with her, and I think she has always had a lot of influence over my view of myself... which is another reason I am all crazy all of a sudden.
I keep having all of these thoughts about how bad things could get... I always wonder if people will abandon me like they should, or hurt themselves to hold on.
A few years ago my therapist diagnosed me as having generalized anxiety and he wondered if it was just a temporary thing. I always wonder about that too... like am I actually just a really well-functioning anxious nightmare, or do I just dabble in the anxiety... is it something I am outgrowing?
I almost started crying talking to Victoria today. She keeps saying really nice things to me, which keeps me from feeling worthless, but at other times keeps checking certain statements I make, and I can't tell if its just because I am really self conscious right now that it hurts so much when she does it, or if she is actually using some knife. I was telling her that I was feeling really anxious and it just felt right to say this is what I was like all throughout high school... I kept it really hidden (like I do now) but I always assumed people knew. Its so much harder to fight off the waves of doubt now, because they are less frequent. When it was an every hour thing, it seemed manageable, when it comes now and then its like a fucking punch in the face out of nowhere... the few things I have figured out so far are that A) I am not functioning at full capacity-anxiety-exhaustion-still sick B) the doubt and paranoia comes when I am alone, or about to be with people, like tonight I was at this restaurant and I started thinking this chinese man could read my thoughts because he was staring at me... C) the general anxiety is causing me to be a workhorse.
In order to keep from feeling completely overwhelmed I have just been working(keeping busy) from the time I wake up till the time I go to bed. This has been good in many ways, but I also feel like my ability to concentrate, and the quality of the work is suffering immensely. That seems to run counter to the praise I am getting for the work... but a lot of the paranoia is about letting these same people down, or hurting them unintentionally.
I'm starting to wonder about just how open I can be with people... or should I just keep everything secret.
Like when I am like this I sometimes see things that aren't real... and I know they aren't real... I know its my eyes and my brain playing tricks on me... and that its because I am stressed and tired, but its hard not to want to talk about.
I was looking for a poem with the JF song I am listening to, but the link doesn't work anymore... and its on the other computer...
so I found this one which seems to fit the occasion much more prominently...
Starting to feel really worthless
without a friend or love to share it with.
Why is it no one can hear without defense or jealousy?
Just a moment to meet as equals without scorn or hardheartedness.
I don’t even know what I am seeking
another broken heart, half healed
lips that understand my aches, and sooth
rather than breaking them open with the scorn, born deep throated, quick fire
so that as the words leave, she gasps unsure where that bite came from, but her snapping teeth are clenched all the same.
Or worse its unsaid, quick glance away at the exact moment, silence as always, the sound that shatters,
cruel joke you can’t hear it breaking, but the shock waves reverberating causing every muscle to strain, could swear you were upright, yet still seizing and shaking
now pretend to go on just the same.
I’m a champion of the non-involved, a coward.
I’ve run continents away. I’ve sat in my own cell filled with fantasy, pervert monk, always stoic except in writing. Always publicly studious, covered yet conniving. Dreaming, ever escalating the pedestal, the scales always balanced so the shame descends as well. Like my back that bends to humble, doubt supersedes all thoughts of ambition, all attempts to embrace replaced by longings for recognition.
without a friend or love to share it with.
Why is it no one can hear without defense or jealousy?
Just a moment to meet as equals without scorn or hardheartedness.
I don’t even know what I am seeking
another broken heart, half healed
lips that understand my aches, and sooth
rather than breaking them open with the scorn, born deep throated, quick fire
so that as the words leave, she gasps unsure where that bite came from, but her snapping teeth are clenched all the same.
Or worse its unsaid, quick glance away at the exact moment, silence as always, the sound that shatters,
cruel joke you can’t hear it breaking, but the shock waves reverberating causing every muscle to strain, could swear you were upright, yet still seizing and shaking
now pretend to go on just the same.
I’m a champion of the non-involved, a coward.
I’ve run continents away. I’ve sat in my own cell filled with fantasy, pervert monk, always stoic except in writing. Always publicly studious, covered yet conniving. Dreaming, ever escalating the pedestal, the scales always balanced so the shame descends as well. Like my back that bends to humble, doubt supersedes all thoughts of ambition, all attempts to embrace replaced by longings for recognition.
Its funny, seeing the patterns in my own thoughts over the years is often times something that pains me... but tonight its comforting to know that I am NOT so far gone, that this isn't out of the ordinary for me.
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