im too tired to write this post.

Coffee
or at least I did have some a few hours ago... since then I have mostly been drinking water and rootbeer.

I did some reading of Gladwell's the tipping point and was inspired to do some thinking about the organizational structure of my work. Like maybe things wouldn't be so chaotic if we changed the structure of the school a little. This is something we are already thinking about so... my rants will probably be useful soon.

But now I am feeling achy from sitting here so long in this uncomfortable position and I feel pretty drained as far as my mental energy.

I woke up after some pretty impressive dreams today, they were letting me in on all sorts of secrets and things to think about...
lots about relationships and attractions and responsibilities.

 

is everyone slightly cross eyed at this distance or am I the only one? 

In a cold coffee shop. I don't know why its so cold in here... I'm thinking about McDonalds and how to get some in uptown and keep it warm on the drive home... either that or I have to get Whiteys... which is a weird strange world that I have some how entered.
You see when I lived here in uptown it was easy and quick to go to the 24 hour maccies, but at my new residence the only two places that are 24 hours is dennys and white castle... and somehow I have started going to white castle. strange world indeed.
When I get home I am either going to watch Starship Troopers or do my normal before bed routine.
I just finished the book and good lord are they different.
The thing is I am excited to show my students the movie, but there are some good excerpts from the book.
Today we watched 1984 and it seemed like they were starting to get that you could talk about social studies themes in any weird society.
We use PIGEARS, which is a device I picked up while student teaching.
Political, Intellectual, Geographic, Economic, Aesthetic, Religious and Social Structure.

For 1984 it was great to get to a point where they understood that a society perpetually at war creates and destroys good (economics) which keeps the people busy, always in poverty and creates a hierarchical social structure (inner party, outer party and proles).
Politically they are at war against both their own people and against the two other nations that live by the same basic political system. They follow the leadership of Big Brother (who may or may not exist -we haven't really gotten there) and are against their enemies the resistance and the other nations.  They have no laws that serve the individual in fact we have been discussing a lot of the intellectual values of the society.... ignorance is strength, war is peace, freedom is slavery... and how thoughtcrime is a natural extension of a political system that doesn't value individuality... (interested to follow this up with starship troopers).
Aesthetically everything is drab, no comfort, and only the proles are allowed beauty (humanity)... the inner party hordes and conceals their wealth and luxuries so as to keep the outer party docile.
Religiously the party has designed rituals like the 2 minutes of hate to fulfill the need for devotion, propaganda for big brother replaces the need for a God.
Geographically the cities are impoverished, gray, on the verge of falling apart... but outside where no one is allowed to go, there is natural beauty, abundance.

Its a great book/movie to use for social studies, because it allows the students to think outside of the realm of what they know is possible, and recognize that their values and political system are in fact creations as well.


Coffee shop is closing...

**********************

Well its two days later, same coffee shop, different time of day.

Just finished a SoT meeting on marriage equality... really low turn out, but good conversation and a lot of good ideas. Sometimes its good to have a small number... still its hard when part of the reason we were having this meeting was to get the whole community jazzed.   We had about 15, the same 15 committed to doing phonebanking on the 6th of feb. So at least we are 1/1 on committment.

The internet isn't working as well as I would like it to or I would still be working on SoT stuff.

Lets see, this week
Tomorrow I had a cancellation on a one to one, so I am meeting up with Illy
Tuesday I have a one to one and then maybe a movie with Jess
Wednesday I am hanging with Alicia
Thursday with Illy
Friday I am seeing Lion King with my mom
Sat and Sun?  I am sure I have things written down but can't remember.

At work we are going to be moving into Starship Troopers(sci fi), Civil war(US) and probably Armenia (genocide)... but I haven't really been preparing for that class.
In people class I think we are doing stress and some other things... I haven't got the schedule with me.
My homeroom is writing essays on "Why I deserve to be here." which is extremely challenging for them and also really good.
So far the arguments can be categorized in a few groups:

I am a good fit for the school.
I am a good student.
Education is a human right.
I will use this education for the future.

Pretty soon I am going to make all the students read eachother's arguments, because right now its like they refuse to get feedback from anyone but me, it is slowing their progress, but they become really unsure of themselves when they read other people's work, either self conscious that theirs isn't good enough or too self conscious to critique someone else.

None of them have started working on grammar or spelling corrections... but that is a whole other area of dread.

Still its a good assignment. They have to think, be critical, be humble and proud at the same time. Some struggle with the one, some with the other.

A lot of them have a hard time breaking down their behavior...
like "I am a good student, because I get my work done."   
which work? How do you get it done?
"I get my homework done."
ughhh

 *******

The rest of today...

Well i suppose I should do some research on the armenian genocide or something. There are only 5 weeks left and we haven't technically got into any of the specifics. I will probable have them watch some more movies too...

Lacey came up with an exercise routine I should try out. I just haven't had the energy to do it yet... that restless I need to throw my energy into something energy.

I have some laundry to do.

I spent an hour yesterday reading some more Deepak Chopra, its good but its hard to keep in the mindset. Its like I need a flip out chart in my pocket. I also went to Mayday books  which is a progressive bookstore in Minneapolis. I used to always go to Arise, but it closed and I have been meaning to go to Mayday ever since... but haven't.

I picked up a few good books, one on Howard Zinn, one on the Bohemian Flats (an old neighborhood in Minneapolis that was destroyed) one on demographic info in the US (maybe a good tool for a geography class). 

I am also trying to get a little further into The Tipping Point because I started reading it last fall and had to put it on hold. I am also supposed to pick up the second and third in the hunger games series... which should be quick reads. But I think I should put them on hold for a month and get some of these other reads done.  I bought You Are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh, which I am planning to read after the deepak Chopra book.  Something to keep me in the flow spiritually. 

I have to buy a new copy of A Different Mirror, because I can't remember what I did with my old copy and I think it will be helpful for school. I am pretty sure I marked up the old copy... so it sucks that I don't have it.

I also have a couple of world history books I would like to read soon... and a bunch of books on the civil rights movement that I should really read at some point so I can speak genuinely about that time. 

Hmm, it sure seems like a lot of reading. 

There is this guy here doing these really intricate and elaborate sketches on giant paper... and they are pretty amazing. Looks like hours and hours of work.

I have been out of touch on this whole blog thing lately... well this one.

I been writing a lot for the Spirit of Truth Blog. 

Tonight I wrote a long piece about being excited to go against the Anti-gay marriage amendment in MN.

But I have been feeling the need to write lately. 

I really want to write a poem for this

I planning on using that video for Men's Class tomorrow, but as far as writing my own stuff... its just not coming out in written form.

I feel like I have been giving a lot of passionate speeches and asking some good questions in my classes.

I am teaching a class on genocide, a class on science fiction and how it relates to social studies, and us history.

 In all three we are talking about serious issues and I am using the topics to question our society, and how my students plan on dealing with it.  Today for instance we talked about how in order to commit genocide one has to see the enemy as A) not being human and B) as a threat (someone who will or is hurting you).

But then it was really easy to take that language apart and talk about all war... talk about how our leaders thrive off of that kind of language... and when my students complained that it was because people were stupid, or ignorant, I got to ask them in what way were they different?  and what they planned on doing about it.

I really wanted to write about my birthday.  Not so much the thing itself, but what does it mean to have finished the year I didn't think I would finish?  The year I jokingly said I would win either way, whether I died or not because I had always believed I would. 

What does it mean that on that night, driving home, I wanted desperately not to die... because suddenly life seemed like it was too good to give up.

I didn't think about the things I had not done, I thought of the things I had done... and how happy I was to have done them.  I didn't want the end of that.

But what have I done? 

When I convinced myself I was dying of cancer last night, I thought about what I would want for a legacy... I wondered if I had 6 months, could I convince the people around me to help me create something lasting?

Would it be worth it to spend my time that way rather than put my energy into work, or action, or just sitting around loving people...?

I thought about martyrdom too... like Thích Quảng Đức or Norman Morrison

is that a better way to go than the painful condition I had fantasized?

Gaunte says in his poem about poets and artists "On the first day of school do not make a list of characteristics of a good poet, make a list of the people who will weep when you die."

Or could I will the cancer away as Deepak says is possible?

I want to write about the beautiful women in my life, and how hard it is to see them suffer, not be able to reach through those barriers and fix things for them.

I want to write about my students, the ridiculousness that is adolescence...

I want to write about travels, and fantasize about vacations I will soon take... maybe

I want to write a fucking newsletter for my school, and a novel, and a manifesto and some songs.

I want to write about how ugly I feel lately when I look in the mirror... at this person i don't quite recognize, yet who looks familiar enough though muted, old, fat and gray.

I want to write confessions, maybe I should use that other blog, but I have been feeling so fearful and shameful again... 

but I haven't done any of that...

mostly just thoughts before bed.

and I am tired and haven't figured out tomorrow yet...

so sorry i cannae contribute nor enhance your mood with beautiful imaginings... but maybe someday I will write something worthy of you and post it here, so check back in I guess. 

jan 5th 2012 woot!

So few days till my birthday.... I care not.

Hmmm   well
lets see,  

School starts in a few days. I have no strategies. I have no idea what I am teaching.

But I am not freaking out.  I spent the better part of the last month or two really stressing and being negative about work. I guess if I do have a plan, its to kick back a little and see what is needed, but not expect too much. It is generally accepted that Winter is the harder trimester at our school. Between the weather and the curriculum of heavy topics, students tend to be more on edge.  I wish I could teach a therapy class.

I guess at this point it is likely I will be teaching US history and a world history and then filling in the third one. According to the 2 year plan I wrote up years ago, right now would be the time for geography, but I didn't feel that was a very successful class the first time around and I don't think it would be today either.

I am tempted to do something really basic, like civics again. We have a lot of students that are really young and don't know a lot of basic social studies terminology, so its hard to have discussions because they just don't have enough background information. 

I am resentful... I can feel it. 

I have been trying to work on my negative vibes by reading this book. 

So far I enjoy it, it is a good reminder of some old eastern stuff I forget about in the moment. It is also written for a western audience so he likes to back everything up with a little science, though some might call it pseudoscience.

I noticed it was helping right away, the struggle I have been having is keeping it in mind. Making it habit. Finding the time to sit still and meditate. 

I think I need a concrete plan, but I have never been good at those. I have already broken my resolutions. 

Today in the book I was reading about what he calls "Hard Focus" and "Soft Focus"   in hard focus you are obsessed and judgmental of right and wrong, good and bad. In soft focus, you allow your thoughts and actions to exist without judging them, accepting that they are part of the experience. 

I wish it were easier to change focus. 

I Just finished the 5th book in the Song of Ice and Fire series. I am sad that i will have to wait until who knows when for the 6th and 7th books. Perhaps it would be better to reread the whole series when the 7th book comes out instead of reliving the wait after the 6th. 

I am looking forward to watching the series when it comes out in March.

 SoT is going relatively well. I have been trying to make slight adjustments to the website and the blog. I am not as interested in the facebook page. It is now my job to coordinate a social media team and help keep the institutional memory of the organization. Its a lot of responsibilities and at the same time it is entirely what I make of the job... like people can say "hey i'd be cool if _______ was on the web." and I can either respond yeah, you should do that... or yeah but we don't have time... or yeah I was planning on it. or whatevers

Its weird to have the responsibility of leading an organization of peers. Its hard to know how to hold people accountable. Hard to know when and how to act... are we rushing? are we going too slow?

I feel like I mostly accomplished my goals socially this break. I saw a lot of the people I wanted to, hung out with my roommates some. Reconnected with old college and high school friends. Even hung out with my brothers and family.

I did not see Chris, and did not have too much time with either of the Jess's

I did get to talk to Becky which was a nice surprise... and that will probably keep me non-resentful for a few weeks. 

Its been really hard to have friends who are too busy dealing with real shit... and therefor aren't available to just chill, or to deal with my bs issues. I don't hold it against them, because I see them trying... but its hard to know how to ask for what I need, when its extremely hard for them to ask for what they need.

No swings, all misses in the gf department. I feel like I have a few options that I don't want, and it makes me feel bad (hard focus) to not want, like I am doing something wrong. 

Personal Projects over break:

Art day-success in that it happened, failure in that so far it hasn't reignited energy for art.

Writing: I started journaling, haven't kept it up... but felt good. Not much else...

LNAS Newsletter:  Not so far...

New laptop tools:  messed around with prezi today... kind of fun, but very slow going. Have not messed with powerpoint in a while. 

Reading:  So far good,  I had a goal of reading Hunger Games before the end of the break, and doubt that will happen... but maybe next week. 

Websites: starting to get to know the SoT website, didn't have time to learn dreamweaver for LNAS.

State of the Planet/Country:

I honestly have not been paying as much attention as normal. I know whats going on with the republicans, I know about some of the upcoming local actions in the twin cities... but I haven't been huge on the news lately. I feel overwhelmed as it is.  I guess I feel hopeful in some places and super disappointed in others. Its hard to watch all of the bs go on, and see that only a handful of people are doing anything about it. Its not that I judge randoms for not being involved... 9/10 of the people I know are not involved, but its hard that we can't seem to break through.  There are still wars, still uninsured/underinsured, undocumented folks getting harassed, addicts in need of help, homeless, unemployed, domestic abuse and sexual assault, hate crimes, and suicides by those who feel they aren't wanted... Its really all too much and I wish we could have some great victory to give us all hope... but even the victories we have are drawn through the mud so you can't tell you have won. The healthcare bill for instance, is fucking great!  Its not what I wanted, but its a place to start. Yet I rarely hear of anyone who talks about it in a good way.Where is the positivity?

I don't like man-made climate change... but 50 degrees in january sure feels better than the 20s we had last week, or the negatives we had years ago.

I came home to the overwhelming smell of mold in my kitchen. Some of the fruit had gone bad and it had smelled bad for awhile in certain areas, but the parties had covered it up. The smell alone makes me sick sometimes, I can't imagine the people who spent hours the other day chatting in there.

I have that really awful jealous/why not me feeling.  I've had it since I left Illy's last night.  I just want to be in love with someone who loves me back. Equal, no more of this off balance shit. 

It snowed for new years, and made driving home so bright.

We just curled up and watched movies... barely recognizing when it turned midnight.  I loved the low expectations.

I have been trying to spend my days re-centering myself. Journaling and reading. caffeinated

________________________________________________

I took a break from writing to see if my mood would improve, I've smiled a bit more.

Learned about the coital post-life.

A bunch of college friends are over, playing games, playing music.

I used to live for this didn't I?

Why am I feeling so ready to leave.

Why does sitting alone at a coffee shop call so much more than good company, smiles, laughter, art and beauty?