I was having the shittiest day....  lacey texted me this morning, Illy called me this evening...  I am no longer having the shittiest day.

Friends...

life sucks without em.

I really liked 50/50
I was really glad that Jess asked me to go, when I had been wondering if she would go with me, but was chicken to ask.

During the movie I cried several times.
Once for my mom,
once for me
and once for my friends.

I was trying to pinpoint why I am so angry on the way home. Its not so much that I expected more from people, its that I hoped for it, lately i have been more pessimistic about that outcome.

This girl sounds annoying at the beginning but she has a really nice voice, which I don't tend to associate with people with braces.

I only saw Lifter Puller once, and didn't appreciate them at all... Craig Finn reminded me of Woody Allen

which was creepy...

but I learned to love them through the mixes Kristen and Tim would give me. 

Learned to love that sound, the lyrics, the stories about characters that became your friends, and drugs with people names, his yelling/singing, and now I dig the Hold Steady as well.

I was introduced to a lot of bands that way, I never bought their cds -I think I kind of assumed I could always burn them later... or maybe that they had exposed me to the best of them. 

I could go for one of those mixes now. One of those ones I didn't quite appreciate till a year after they gave it to me.

I was driving home thinking about fate and loneliness. I often think of these two things together. I wonder if my obsession with and relating to the story of Joseph (of technicolor dream coat fame)  lead me to believe that I just had to follow the path. That all things that needed to would be put before me, that paths of my choosing were never really of my choosing, and that all calamities were just the devices to get me to where I needed to be. 

I wish I could look on these stories as an adult instead of as a child -with child's eyes. I could see the faults and darkness surrounding these heroes, instead of reading only their heroic qualities. I could see them for what they were, the humans that they were. Then maybe I could still see myself in a positive light without being so judgmental of the dark.

So I had this dream last night about Dominic (the crass"mentor").

We were at some large dinner formal event. A large facility, clean halls and bathrooms.  He was sitting next to me but I am unsure if we had met up randomly or if I had brought him. Regardless I returned from a bathroom visit where I was helping someone who had gotten stuck in a stall or something, and found that most of the guests were really appalled by his behavior. I instantly recognized that face, that sigh, that disgust but I didn't take responsibility for it, just let it be his. Still I wanted to help him dig his way out, and I couldn't think of the words to convince these people that underneath it all he was charming.  It started to drain me, this exercise of having to prove someone's worth, I could understand their reaction, but it seemed like they should be more forgiving.   I wasn't exactly worried about impressing these faceless formal wear types, but it hurt that they didn't get to see his good side... and of course he wasn't helping matters at all. 

I've been sort of thinking about that all day on and off. I wonder why this man I met almost 10 years ago had such an effect on me. Maybe because he was my animal self, full of anger and off-putting. Maybe because he didn't hide his sexuality, didn't have anyone close enough to care about more than his jokes and escapades. It was freeing and awfully sad. 

But I wonder if I am sick of making excuses for that side of me. Of having to make up for it, yet still worried that people won't see the good side, even in my ugliness I wasn't all bad.

How does one take responsibility without being consumed? That's what I have been wondering all day.

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So on that note I spent my day at a coffee shop avoiding responsibilities and staring at everyone who came in. Dismissing and fantasizing, and wondering how other people deal with the same ideas.  I hung out with a really nice girl the other day, but is it enough to be nice?

Is there some creature comfort that is acceptable to just play around with...

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I tend to gravitate towards the self pitying. I was thinking about that on the way home. A soundtrack of victim's ranting plays on repeat in my head. Maybe its because I am being honest in my head (or trying to be) for a change... but regardless I don't lift a finger to change it.  Sort of pathetic. 

Wondering about wondering, rolling over till its groans and pitiful. 

I guess I'm still too afraid. 

My horoscope says I should exercise this morning for my health.  I was hoping maybe it meant exercise some patience, or exercise some good decision making, but I am pretty sure it means physically.

I went to 2nd Moon Coffee Shop yesterday -trying to figure out what will be my neighborhood go-to.  I don't think its gonna be that one. A little crowded, a little loud. 
Other options in the area include the Longfellow Dunn Bros (its ok but very commercial). Blue Moon -probably ok and Birchwood, which I also found to be a bit crowded. 
I could also go north to Hard Times, Mapps and Acadia. Or over to SPaul by St. Thomas.

but since none of those are doing it for me so far I imagine I will spend some time today in or near the uptown area.
What a boring post.

The song I am listening to...

its the afternoon and I haven't left the house yet.

I had some interesting dreams:

a singer became a friend again

a student in a mental hospital

another weird work situation about building new facilities or something.

the first one meant a lot to me. 

If I die by falling through the floor under the bathtub, just for the record we had the plumber out a couple of times and Laurel caulked the bathroom...  but seriously there is something wrong there. 

There is an openmic down at the occupy, but I don't have anything to read. 

I was there most of the day yesterday and it was a lot of fun.

I think I am gonna go to a coffee shop for the day today.

My grandma has dementia and I'm kind of terrified to be there. 

My dad asked me to have dinner with him, but I don't want to drive out to Minnetonka.

I am apparently not a very good family member.

Throwing my self into work and activism hoping to feel productive. 

Something about recognizing you're angry and don't have anything to say or do about it that makes you want to work harder.

But its winter, and hard to get up when its dark and cold. 

I'm positive because I got no choice but to assume the best, I see hard work and creative people, people with if not hope, than goals... and that's a crowd I want to be with. 

I wish I was feeling more creative, I just got into this musician/poet and its one of those moments where I wish I had that ability. 

Tomorrow I am planning on heading down to OccupyMN for a few hours at least and maybe hanging out with Jess V, and possibly trying to make it to Jared's show.

Sat no plans yet, if I am not being active then its coffee shop.

Sunday I join the Spirit of Truth board of directors (or whatever we call it). 

I ain't paid the dues I promised and its been bothering me for months.  I just never seem to have the cash or money on hand. 

I didn't make it to the trainings today, slept in and had good dreams and felt kind of like a human being again, which was nice. 

Yeah if I didn't have to wake up so early I would be sleeping A LOT MORE

I don't even have a picture to post.

We are the 99% and other ideas.

Yesterday I went to Illy's to do some reading. I am really into this book Moneyball which is also a major motion picture I haven't seen yet. I am not at all sure how they could possibly turn this book into a movie... except by showing the story instead of talking about it, but regardless that would not be the book. The book quite entertainingly takes a look at the odd way baseball was once thought of, and shows how one team taking a very different approach was far more effective with far less resources, by mostly focusing on the right statistics. This would be a dry subject if it were not for the great personality profiles that make heroes out of little known people... which makes it interesting enough that someone like me who has no interest in baseball actually wants to watch the sport. 

Staying up late watching Chopped and reading lead me to not attend a geography conference today that also sounded pretty good... instead I decided to sleep in... which caused me to miss the peace rally as well... but I did go down to the OccupyMN anyway to see the tent set up. 

The police promised to pull down any structures that were set up... but they haven't yet. They promised to do so about 4-5 hours ago, but they are waiting for the media attention to dismiss and for any bystanders to move on (the fewer arrests the better for the police).

The protesters are of course counting on arrests, dramatic escalation is how you get attention and better results. So basically the police are being as smart as possible... war of attrition. 

You can watch the livefeed a good portion of the day here OccupyMN 

sometimes the chitchat is funny, sometimes it is really annoying.

 I saw a bunch of people I knew down there... but its weird to talk to them because they are all in the middle of leading a movement. 

Hmmm  other thoughts. I would be at a housewarming right now but stupid rivalries and uncomfortabilities get in the way.

Wednesday night I am getting together with Krystin and Alicia, maybe check out a movie and dinner. 

Thursday is the EdMN conference, gonna check that out with Emily S and maybe some others?

 Tomorrow is the CTUL Festival for Justice is tomorrow from 1-7 PM

Spirit of Truth tomorrow at 11AM

Hanging with Jess V probably tomorrow night...

 

Blogger has all these new design templates, but they kind of suck and for some reason erase all the gadgets and things you have put on your site.  Its their attempt to be more trendy, something along the lines of tumblr or twitter or something... but not so hot yet

I also have a new phone, which was sprung on me without warning... but I am slowly getting used to it. Its fancy, though not a "smart" phone exactly.

Just ate Benihana, and waiting to go to bed so my body can digest a bit.

obviously I have nothing real to say.

Good weekend, followed by a fairly successful Monday. 

Got a few things to do this week but mostly things are looking smoove. 

Lacey and I spent some time this weekend trying to be crafty...  

one of us succeeded.

I woke up singing this song.  According to Itunes I haven't listened to it in 5 months. The brain is a beautiful thing. 

I drove home last night a little discordant, the various parts of me feeling self righteous. 

I was thinking about my desire to keep people happy. It had begun from a conversation I had had with illy, about never wanting to see my coworkers mad at me. I wonder how many people spend their life trying to avoid other's anger.  Of course that spread to other relationships... how much time do I spend trying to problem solve, heal and care take, dote upon, buy shit for etc, so that someone will never be mad at me... 

but of course its futile right?

Illy and I had watched this movie last night where this woman who doesn't know herself struggles to find a partner. She transforms into whatever they want and keeps herself in the dark. As the movie progresses she begins to discover that she can be herself around one person, but everyone around her thinks that person is a scumbag so she rejects him (rejects herself again).  Eventually as is the custom, she realizes her mistake... but I wonder if I will?

I always  considered it a blessing that I "knew my purpose" I was put here to care take right? To be there for people, and yes I had to learn boundaries, I had to learn that I can't give indefinitely without taking care of myself, or in fact that taking care of myself needs to be high on the list of priorities in order to help with others... I had to learn that I can't do things for people, can't lose faith despite "mistakes" and "setbacks"  need to recognize the good, regardless of the bad -yet protect myself from them all the same... protect myself from only believing in the possibility and disregarding the reality.  yeah yeah yeah  I'm working on those.... 

but is understanding your "purpose" enough if it comes along with desperate cravings to never make anyone mad?  Am I able to be truthful to them, to me? Do I actually just transform myself into whatever they need? Speak in accents, and change my clothes for them, take on new activities and responsibilities entirely absent from my own desires? 

Or is because my desire is to be there entirely.... that these are just minor concessions?

Illy said something else a few days ago that struck me pretty hard, it may have been the fever or my general exhaustion or just may latent vulnerability but like a knife it struck deep and I turned away in tears for a moment. 

She was saying that someone in particular was never sort of "thankful"  

My boss tells me regularly how much she appreciates me, and though it comes a little harder to some of my other co-workers they do so in their ways too... 

And my friends they say it too, in their desire to see me, or their reluctance to let go...

but I think in romantic relationships its always been harder... 

I have only dated selfish women, something in me thinks its beautiful despite my stated cases against it... something in me screams if they like you it means you are special.... something in me convinces me its ok and that it comes from some place deeper where they aren't selfish... its their self protection, its their vulnerability, its their selflessness that causes it.

and all of that is probably true.

Some part of me also knows I don't let people in, don't let them take care of me, don't let them get to feel special(needed), deny them, set boundaries, place others before them sometimes, struggle to say I love you, struggle to show what they really mean to me...

and all of that makes them doubt, -like it makes me doubt when people are put together, like it makes me doubt when they seem to have enough friends, like it makes me doubt when they are already fulfilled, have dreams they are following through on, have exs they are close with, have friends they are intimate with, ...when I don't see a place for me. 

 I've spent a lot of time going to counseling for this issue, more so than any other.  My counselors are always trying to get me back to the reality that people being mad or scared or hurt by me doesn't mean they will reject me outright... but its always been hard to believe that.

I'm getting there though. Getting closer to just being honest, to just  sharing the things that are tearing me down, to just being ok with the past, and trying to work beyond the present. 

To maybe accepting that I too am hurt, hurt by all of you, and that I dwell on impressing you instead of healing. 

To maybe accepting that I too am angry, angry at all of you and that I use it to hurt myself when I should be letting it out more constructively.

Getting closer to recognizing that passionate feelings aren't always so scary, don't have to be so dangerous and risky.

That sitting with something,  walking away from something, missing something, fighting with something, none of these necessarily mean that the someone attached is gone forever... recognizing that the things I hold to be true aren't...breaches can be repaired,  hearts heal and rejoice again. 

but they require sturdy foundations...

and for all my charisma and bravado, illusion of steadfastness... I can't actually hope for healing if I am not honest about where the breaks occur.

I'm building with weak materials despite well crafted tools. Working backwards from grand dreams of the possibility and you can't start projects from the top down. 

That familiar fall cloak seems to be gathering around me, something about the breezes whispers "prepare"  and the sun is fading...

My roommates are having a party tonight, I don't think I am looking forward to it. I am wondering how it will go, but I am not eager to play a role. 

My room is not clean and my laundry has not been done. I'm tired, even though I slept all day, I feel like I'm fighting off a future cold. But its all my head that is the problem, I just can't imagine easy connections the way they sometimes come. It seems a pity to be around friends and not friendly... and I don't want to fall in that mood, but I already feel it coming on.

I miss easiness and love. I want it, I want to dream it, wake to it, go to sleep to it, spend my day thinking about it, and yet... I want it all a certain way, want to control things, or rather I want them to control me, reach and grab me, make me want them. That isn't going to happen though is it.

The camping trip went well... I'm still exhausted from it. Not prepared for Monday. 

I wish the students would make things easier for us and them. 

Learn lessons and enjoy each other.

I have this trouble because there is a certain group of students who just get it more easily... they all happen to be white and middle to upper class... they are already imbedded in this type of rebellion, they already like to learn, they like the type of freedoms we can provide... and so they make it in our system... but that doesn't serve the students who don't have that background... and it challenges the ideas that we are talking about... or rather makes them so real its hard to deal with.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go to the Renaissance Festival with my Dad, should be fun but I can already feel this vibe of like "you aren't doing enough for your family" and I kind of feel that coming from every direction right now... 

and all I really want to do is go to sleep.