Dreams

I am reading a book where dreams are quite important. I have concluded they are no less important in my life, but often have a hard time determining whether they are subconscious manifestations of things I already know but am unwilling to admit *The situation has changed, she doesn't love you anymore like that *You missed your opportunity  *Your dad is being stolen from you *Your brother will not be able to protect you anymore

Or are they, the new reality...

Since all of these dreams happened during times when I was already unsure of relationships, yet once I had the dream they suddenly came true.

My final break up with Becky was predicted 3 days before I heard her say it.

Many of the dreams I have of Alexis are of our mutual understanding that we may care for each other some where, but can't live it anymore in public, often times they come as or during events when we could be talking or seeing each other.

The nightmare I had of my dad being kidnapped (one I could never play out to its end) was during my parents break up and shortly after they decided to get a divorce.

The nightmare I had about James being eaten by a shark, took place around the time he started to fight with my dad and stopped going with us to see him.

Thus I take my dreams seriously... a few weeks ago I dreamed that Lacey and I were killed in a car crash... I don't know what that means... at the time I felt sorry that I had lead her to that situation... and though I felt grief for my life, I didn't feel bad... 

but maybe its that we are being tested by the flames, they threaten to kill the old and give us new life? 

I have felt a new life lately...

 but

I am surprised...  I am surprised I didn't dream of this engagement. 

Perhaps tonight I will and can know that it is only the afterthought that brings the dreams...

Dreamy -stream of consciousness

I used to be so jealous you know?  

I was as jealous as you were, but I never wanted to admit it. Maybe it was my folly to let you bear that burden alone.  I was jealous and still am of the men and women you bed with, shared laughter with and your heart with.

I knew they were good people and I wanted to see in them the things you saw, the things that changed your voice when you spoke of them like it touched your heart to think of them, so instead of saying I was jealous I tried to be pleasant.  I do see their goodness, Aaron and Tralle, Kate and Corina, and whoever else I need to.

I was jealous when you wrote of our break up and angry too when you capped it with new things of which to be jealous. You spiked our conversations with your anger, and each cut revealed another reason to brace myself.  

But jealousy and anger don't suit me nor you. 

In my dreams you are still angry with me... and you have the right to be, but you are finding your place, you are finding your own smile and your own steadiness on which to depend. I always envy the people with you. I always envied them in real life and sometimes still do.  

You are radiant and wonderful, warm, creative and passionate... I wanted to ask you how that played out in your teaching. I wanted to know about the miracles you saw in these children, hear it from you. I wanted to know about this man you will make your husband, I wanted to know because I know there are wonderful things about the people you choose to bring into your life, even if none of them are perfect. I wish you well.

Somewhere in the unprotected subconscious of my jealous heart I hope that isn't what you wanted to hear... but as already stated we couldn't make do. I missed my opportunity and you found a better one. So I hope it is the right one, and convince myself that I must believe it... like I convinced myself to not be jealous and trust your judgment on matters of your own heart. 

A loyal heart.

I admire your loyalty. We always had different ideas of what that meant, but it is a trait that touches me (in joy and agony) but you seem to stay true to what your heart says... and though I may beg to differ, I cannot deny the passion in it. The memory of it still leaves me agape sometimes with wonder.

I'll always wonder how you convinced me so quick, how you convinced yourself so quick, how it felt so right so quick. I have no other words but to call it fate... because I don't believe it was false, puppy love, a crush.

I still think of you as someone I love, not loved. You weren't battle won, it didn't take 6 months or a year to understand it, but it was so quick it left me scared and my fear, like sweat, something you could smell and it made you resent me as quick as you had loved me. 

This is how it plays out in my head... a relationship I still don't understand completely because it was all emotion and my head confused then and now, trying to see it all, make out its shape.

I'm probably just full of myself and you have since thought of a hundred more fulfilling relationships... but I haven't. 

I plan to, in the future... I wondered a few weeks ago if when you got married I would find someone new. Like the Gods would spare me my mistakes when you were seen safe. 

Sometimes I see you pregnant, little glimpses.  I don't know if that means you are pregnant with a new idea, a new profession, a new hobby or new life. 

I wish that for you... a new life, maybe you have found it. Maybe your new life is beginning or maybe it began 4 years ago... from what I could tell it was a chaotic beginning, but the little glimpses tell me you are doing better than before... each step a good one.  Is it true?  

Would my dreams tell me if you were in danger? Would they whisper that thinning means something?  Would you be smoking a cigarette like those others who chose differing paths? Would I see a storm, a bear, aliens, or Texas Rangers storming that small house?  

and if I did, would I know what to do upon waking...

Would you let anyone know if there were something wrong? 

I'll never know. Loyalty or anger, or perhaps just moving on, I don't get to hear of your passion nor your concerns anymore. 

A new life for a star in her new constellation, creating a patchwork of wonder for us all to behold from afar.  

I'll probably still dream of you.  We can meet there and you can be mad at me and smile in-between jabs, and my heart can be soothed, knowing you once cared enough to be angry. 

I can wake to a reality that I have a new day to create myself, like we once did together for a time, me following your light out of my own darkness (then),  I could follow your lead again to a new life and a new love like you have. 

I think I should try it.  

Excerpt from "Love"

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: 

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. 

To know the pain of too much tenderness. 

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully. 

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

 

Perhaps given the occasion I should be quoting "On Marriage,"  it speaks of the things I worry about, the things I saw happening to us. The entangling, loss of self in one another, the cypress or oak trying to grow in the shadow of the other. That would be the real advice, but you never wanted my advice, you were sick of it and preferred something that felt real... so I hope you have found that love that wakes and puts you to rest thankful with love in your heart.

I hope he feels grateful. 

I hope he is amazed by you and you him. 

I hope you grow into the best of yourselves, the best of what each sees in the other.