Of the million things I plan

Today was the first day back at work. Technically I started year 4 this summer, but I guess this is the official school year. We spend this week preparing all the little things and the little ones come next week.
Right now we have about 3/5s of the students we need by Oct (or budget cuts=staff cuts).
We have new staff, they are adjusting but of course it is all too much. They seem to be taking it in stride, but something tells me they will need a little more one to one training later.

Its nice to get back to doing things, being productive. We accomplished all of our goals for the day... as a team we are working well... but I guess it doesn't really matter until we see results with the students.

I saw two of my future roommates tonight which was nice along with a handful of Morris folks, but its weird to be surrounded by cats who also know, or know of a certain singer, but don't really understand that it breaks your heart to not be able to say hi.

I'm so emo...
Brendan B come shoot me... I'm the wrong kind of emo.
and now I'm reliving high school conversations...

anyway the point of this post was supposed to be about plans. 
I have plans, goals, responsibilities and more.... and I am excited even though I don't like to say it.

I am excited to move to a new place, have a new year, take on new roles, comfortable with old things...
I am also full of doubt and the amount of candy I have been eating lately (despite trying to quit)  shows it well...

I am worried that I don't show the right amount of excitement towards the right things and the right people...
and it angers me to think about those choices I made in the past that lost me some friends,  so its hard to know how to move forward.

I don't actually know any of your birthdays...
Jess, Gabi, Nona     I'd skip em all without a thought... but it doesn't mean I don't think about you.

Anyone else sick of that playlist playing on its own? 

When I put it on here I specifically requested that it not play on its own... But I think I erased that part of the code accidentally. 

Why do I go to Dark Dark Dark show?

Equal parts joy and torment, but I always walk away unhappy.

Grieving has never been my strong suit*. Everlasting indeed...

*When I put it on here I specifically requested that it not play on its own... But I think I erased that part of the code accidentally.

Tired Thoughts

I really love both versions of this song (this is the new one).  

I also think Aby Wolf adds a lot to Dessa's songs, normally her voice is obviously the most trained and ranged of the two (example: where as Dessa has a hard time switching keys, Aby does it easily).  

Except at the show yesterday I thought Dessa actually out sang Aby in all but like 2 songs. 

It made me wonder though why Aby Wolf is basically a backup singer now when she used to be a solo artist. I don't know a whole lot of her work, so maybe she has a hard time writing songs...?

musica

Heard this on MPR along with some great excerpts read by Neil Gaiman  who is a genius yet I never read his stuff.

Been posting a lot of music lately. I'm not at work so I am listening to NPR/MPR a lot. I think if I wasn't a teacher I would listen to it constantly and probably be a member and what not. I have been thinking a lot today about the choices we make and how they influence our lives. Last night I was also listening to the radio and heard a version of "Edelweiss" that was really beautiful and I started singing it in my car.

In Jr High choir I learned the song. I never played an instrument in school, always choir a couple years of it with my teacher trying to get me to do solos. In 6th grade Ms Black asked me to try out for the MN boys choir.. I remember going to the audition and freaking out. I think I used the excuse that I didn't like any of the music to get out of it... I'm wondering if the money commitment was what lead my parents to let me get out of it. How different would my life have been if at 11 I had joined a touring choir?

Within a year or two I was convinced my voice was shot forever (even though my music teacher thought I had the best range in the class). I didn't like that he was trying to make me sing baritone and bass when I could still sing tenor and even alto parts... Tenor parts are so much more fun than baritone and bass parts.

 Towards the end of 7th grade we watched Evita and I decided that I loved musicals and wanted to be a performer. I had joined the theater club but never wanted any of the parts. I was always too afraid to take roles I didn't know, and I didn't know many... so I ended up on the crew for two years, but continued to do summer camps and things. I was a pirate one year in some terrible play. I was Lysander in a Midsummer Night's dream 8th grade I think.

By High School I was convinced I had lost my voice entirely, so I joined the improv based theater classes but never took part in any of the plays. I tried out for several of them, but always chickened out and told the director I didn't want to make the time commitment, but would help my partner out in the audition. It was my way of saying I am too afraid.

Sophmore and Jr year I started performing poetry and songs at open mics, but only when I felt I had practiced enough. Still I always freaked out at the shows. Some people noticed though, I had poems published in the arts magazine, and some musicians started asking me to accompany them during open mic performances. Later in Jr year a band made up of pseudo-friends asked me to join as a singer. But I was never good with the timing and only had the chance to play a few shows.

In college I did open mics. A few songs, but mostly poems.  Its been the same since.

I annoy my roommates and probably the musicians down stairs are wondering who the hell is screeching on notes well out of his range upstairs.

I also took voice lessons which felt great in a way, to recover some of what I lost, to recognize I still could... but it dawned on me that my breathing is not fluid enough to really be a singer. I don't have the lung capacity.

My mom is always saying we don't sing enough during church, because we are too afraid to make mistakes or stand out.  I think that's probably the case.  If I played an instrument well enough I would at least be able to say "oops its hard to do two things at once"  but singing seems like something that should come naturally.

I was thinking it might be nice to work on some songs for our annual benefit. It would be fun to do different styles a more theatrical piece, a folk song, a rock song... who knows.

Some Shatner

"I make sure to show him all of my teeth."

This was also good...

 Heard this (playlist in pink) on a preview for a movie today, really enjoyed it obviously.
But while I am at it, since Roma Di Luna is breaking up, Channy has been making some really beautiful solo demos:
"Tell You Girls"
"Remind Me"
"No One Can"
"Everyone"

Can't deny I'm pretty tired.

But its 1:07 and the evening doesn't seem like it should be over... yet all the options seem like too much of a time commitment.  Movies and episodes of the Medici, chapters of a book, comp games, writing or art... all a bit much. 

Today I threw down some dirt, read and wrote, but all in all when you don't interact with too many people it doesn't seem like a full day at all.

Tomorrow I hang with Alicia, get groceries, do some more writing work.

Wednesday I meet with my coworkers and have dinner with Illy. 

Thursday I organize the office at work (if I don't get to it Wednesday).

Friday I meet with Alyssa and Andrea from EDMN

Saturday there is a concert I was thinking about... 

Sunday I should go to church for the first time in 3 weeks.

Monday there is a dark dark dark show and also I am back to work

Tuesday work and dentist *crown

Unsure what comes after that...

So I had Aleks  join me for a class this summer and apparently I inspired him to try to give up Coca Cola as one idea in his attempt at a more sustainable life.    He also asked me to be a team member on that blog.
My first thought is basically... I don't know what I could contribute.  I know the research I presented in class to my students was what got him thinking about one thing, but in general I gather research, I don't actually live it.

My attempts so far this year were to give up bottled water (I am getting much better) and briefly after watching this video, to give up pop.  That lasted like 2 days and made me realize how thoroughly addicted to sugar I am.
One of the points the researcher makes is that Alcohol comes from sugar, and the long term effects are roughly the same. I can see so many of them in my body already that it scared me... but not enough to stop drinking pop at bars (since I don't drink alcohol).  Not enough to always order water at dinner or social events...  and since juice is roughly the same thing in a slightly less intense way it makes it hard.   I don't think I am cut out to be an activist always tap water type of person. Alek's suggestion of tea doesn't sit well with my stomach and in both tea and coffee I add a shit ton of sugar to make it palatable.
Its weird though to recognize how addicted you are to something, to its convenience, the energy boost, the physical sensation, the fix... I honestly can't seem to go very long without coffee, pop or candy... and maybe I ought to go more lightly and just say one a day... but it seems hard to even do that.  I have been adding fruits and veggies as snack food but I still want some candy in-between.

anyway... they are not even sure this an addictive substance so I can't imagine giving up the things that are considered that.  I find in strange how vulnerable these vices make us... I feel incredibly insecure knowing that I am feeding myself poison and can't/don't want to do anything about it.Similarly the pornography thing... I think if I didn't have it in my life I wouldn't second guess myself nearly as much as I do... its just a reminder of all things negative for me.

So Alek's asks me for my expertise, and I can't think of anything to offer...
my first thought was really just to have the cool people I know who do cool things to add their own words...
while I listen and repeat as is my role.

*Also, funny that I can influence people older than me who barely know me, but have little to no effect on my teenage students who I spend years with. Maybe I was meant to teach higher ed.

"Even though I haven't seen you in years
yours is a funeral I'd fly to from anywhere"

Sorry that the person doing the video doesn't know how to focus... but I thought this was better than a still shot.

Here is this girl (who has a better singing voice) covering it

Did I ever post these?

Soulmates, the Pusher man and whatever else

Lacey asked about whether I believe in having one soul mate, and without really considering it I said I think there are millions.

Going on to say that I think soul mates are the connections we are meant to have, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are romantic or even bound to last... time and place and personality get in the way. 

Still, I wait for someone special.

I think the idea of soul mates and other ideals are somewhat disastrous for us. Even if we do find someone we are drawn to, does that mean it will happen? Does that mean it is a good relationship? No no no...  people need to work and work hard at relationships. They have to be responsible and reciprocal and the idea that meeting the right person suddenly makes it all okay hurts us... we get in terribly abusive situations. We wait too long (me) and don't make an effort with the right ones, because we think somewhere that it should be easier.

There is a feminist doctrine that says this idea is pushed on women because it creates a situation in which they will be submissive... and I see that often, not just with women, but more so. 

If they weren't waiting for their knight in shining armor, they might rescue themselves... or find a partner rather than a "hero".

I wonder how this framework fits in with past writings on this subject, it surprised me last night how quickly I said it...   My narcissistic side always thinks that after I die someone will go through this and find special things, thoughts or phrasings that are especially insightful or archive them... but maybe I should stop waiting for my death and the fairytale and do things myself eh?

I stayed up most of the night so this may not make sense.

A) I had a weird dream for the few minutes I did manage to fall asleep.  I think basically I was like watching this kid, but all of a sudden it was like an adult's voice was doing a behind the scenes narration and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to hear it or not... sort of what I imagine auditory hallucinations to be like and it totally freaked me out until I woke up. Then of course in my dark room I assumed someone was there... and spent the next 30 minutes all types of freaked out. 

B) Along with plotting wars and other things I do in my head when I can't sleep, I was thinking about how there aren't enough socially and environmentally conscious ways to be a capitalist (yes I know that sounds stupid but hear me out).  I think if conscious people had the options of investing in companies that they knew had good standards it could change the market into something more humane. I was thinking this at the leadership conference when they mentioned all these groups they wanted to get together to change the system, but they didn't mention businesses. How will you change the system without the dominant element involved?  Now I am not saying give in to the reckless form of capitalism we have, I'm saying give people the option to put their money where their mouth is.  Half the protesters who went to the Wells Fargo to protest yesterday probably bank with Wells Fargo. If they had a better bank that could offer them the same convenience, don't you think they would jump to it and spend all their money there? 

Since I mentioned it, the twin cities would be really hard to siege. I think any modern city has too many entrances and exits... there are no walls, no boarders. Even if you bombed all the bridges people could still get in and out.  I don't know that the United States could ever be taken over by a foreign or domestic power without the people's approval, or massive population loss.

I was looking through facebook profiles of people that were suggested to be my friends... there were lots... but it suddenly occurred to me that next year will be my 10 year high school reunion. Should be shortly before the end of the world... so yeah.   Its weird, a lot can change in a year, I could even technically have a kid by then, but really I don't imagine much will change from where I am now. I will most likely live in Minneapolis, will or wont have my current teaching job. May or may not have a girl friend, but certainly will still have most of the same friends. 

Just kind of an odd thought.  Have I accomplished what I thought I would in the last 10 years?

Well I been checking things off my list, slowly but surely.
Thurs-Sat we had a yard sale. I got rid of a few things, but mostly Morgan made some cash. The house now feels like it is permanently in a state of transition, missing furniture and stuff lying about.
I'm looking forward to the new place. I haven't actually seen it yet.  I may have anywhere from 2 (confirmed) to 4 roommates.  I can't really say what my hopes and expectations are... but I have them.
I guess in short, I am really looking forward to this change because I need to expand my life again, maybe take a few more risks, meet some new people and hang out with old friends more often. I am fairly sure this will be a place  (and a group of people) that encourage me to do that.

I am very happy to have days off... but its also hard to keep planning for the future without it coming true yet. I have been thinking of curriculum and projects. Preparing to meet with people and writing down ideas... but none of it can happen for a few more weeks. It doesn't help the energy level, nor give me a whole lot of confidence when I get no feedback.

On the friend level, I am probably enjoying the company of the few friends I have seen too much.
Its nice to be in a place where I feel so comfortable and can enjoy people's presence but it leaves me feeling a little too eager.

Pete will be in town soon.  There is a protest on Wednesday and I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday. Other than that... not much going on.

No big thoughts that are driving me crazy or new schemes to ponder over. 

I could write about every little thing, but its not as concerning when I have so much time to think about it and nothing else to do.

Enjoy the multitude of colors.

Dreams

I am reading a book where dreams are quite important. I have concluded they are no less important in my life, but often have a hard time determining whether they are subconscious manifestations of things I already know but am unwilling to admit *The situation has changed, she doesn't love you anymore like that *You missed your opportunity  *Your dad is being stolen from you *Your brother will not be able to protect you anymore

Or are they, the new reality...

Since all of these dreams happened during times when I was already unsure of relationships, yet once I had the dream they suddenly came true.

My final break up with Becky was predicted 3 days before I heard her say it.

Many of the dreams I have of Alexis are of our mutual understanding that we may care for each other some where, but can't live it anymore in public, often times they come as or during events when we could be talking or seeing each other.

The nightmare I had of my dad being kidnapped (one I could never play out to its end) was during my parents break up and shortly after they decided to get a divorce.

The nightmare I had about James being eaten by a shark, took place around the time he started to fight with my dad and stopped going with us to see him.

Thus I take my dreams seriously... a few weeks ago I dreamed that Lacey and I were killed in a car crash... I don't know what that means... at the time I felt sorry that I had lead her to that situation... and though I felt grief for my life, I didn't feel bad... 

but maybe its that we are being tested by the flames, they threaten to kill the old and give us new life? 

I have felt a new life lately...

 but

I am surprised...  I am surprised I didn't dream of this engagement. 

Perhaps tonight I will and can know that it is only the afterthought that brings the dreams...

This advertisement makes me sad

I don't want the cats because I am worried about the responsibility, but as they both spend a great deal of time with me I know I will miss them.
Kilgore has been acting especially feisty lately, I think he knows.

The debt deal also makes me sad and somewhat furious  if I think about it too long.

I'm pretty sure congratulations are called for, but the announcement isn't out yet.
I'm guessing someone was made really happy last night, and is feeling pretty lucky right now.