Along with the Modest Mouse

I am such a stalker.

I have a hard time getting over things obviously.

Its hard for me to know what to say or do, I am pretty much completely out of touch with these people, and yet on the daily I want to know how they are. When presented the opportunity to talk, I don't. When I perceive hints dropped, I don't want to overly presume, whats in a picture? We all like desserts. 

This week is official testing and I am in charge and it is scary... but soon over. This is usually the most stressful time of the school year for me.

Last week I was supposed to post on the Spirit of Truth Blog, but I had writers block, or creativity block or something -so I didn't and have felt bad all week. I hope I don't start a trend of non posting.

This week we are having a big event on Sunday. It will be a SoT lead action against Cub Foods on behalf of cleaning workers and be the kickoff of a campaign called Receipts for Rights... a show of economic power to get Cub to think about helping the cleaning workers out.

Yesterday I wrote a poem about how I can't trust my eyes in the mirror... its really sort of an awful thing. I mean there are times when I have such strong contempt for myself -its hard to get over. Other times I think I look really good. Other times I am confronted with these strange realities that in certain ways I am skinnier than skinny people... like unhealthy skinny but it doesn't look like it to me. Other times I find bits and pieces and my mind likes to draw imaginary dotted cut here lines... like the other day I was wondering what my arm would look like if it weren't there. Bits and pieces of soft roundness  I think is how I described it...

Well anyway... its sort of scary. Its really hard for me though because I feel like the problem with my body is that it is mismatched. Like my arms and legs are clearly too skinny and my frame is clearly too big... so what do I do? I can't gain weight in my limbs my body won't allow it...

Anyway... unhealthy thoughts. I am trying to process though, to realize that I can't really be trusted.

Its interesting to see how people change as they age. Some get extra layers and some shrink.

I owe the government 500 bucks... comcast a couple hundred, car insurance another 500... my credit card 800, my savings account about 1000. I am behind in all my goals for the year... but I had a really good trip so its all good. -maybe no trip this summer... maybe something local and cheap like camping.

Need to find a new place.

Need to find a new love.

Need to not judge.