Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Lacey asked me tonight if I was listening to depressing music... well yes and no. I was certainly listening to a lot of beautiful music that makes me sad... but I don't think it was meant to be depressing.

Steve and I talked a lot last night about these feelings... and I wasn't in it last night so it was easy for me to say "You have to find the right balance, you have to take care of yourself" as it was easy for me to say that to my students today... but when its so close and there doesn't seem to be any incentive to stay here its hard to not let your mind wander to that day dream world that seems so much more real, intense beautiful and sometimes so very awful.

Driving seems especially dangerous as I can't really tell if I am in control or just feel that way.
Screaming lyrics at the top of my lungs scratching my voice, because maybe something will give.

Its easy enough to say you should have done some light therapy tonight, but it doesn't fix the problems, just makes them go away for a while.

I spent 20 minutes tonight trying to remember why things weren't perfect that one time.

All I want to do is cry or create, either way I would have something to show for it.

Those wild eyes look nice in the mirror, at some point its easy to create your own illusions and the night is a calling and I am supposed to be responsible now.

I remember being crabby when I was young... I was moody as a teenager and now I feel like I can't be that (at least very often).

All I want is someone to crash into, who will listen to me talk about absolutely nothing -with interest. Who will hold me and not judge me for my insanity, someone who I trust to let me walk over the edge because I know they will pull me back...

I didn't think that was too much to ask, that's the thing I loved it, wanted it to work, I thought it was rather beautiful, but I couldn't always do it and it started feeling like I would fall in too.

and I wouldn't want to be around me when I am like this, so I don't know why anyone else would...

and the kids behind me in the booth at perkins made me question whether I will ever be a good father, because how could I be if part of me wants to be self destructive, even when I don't want to be I get pulled into it. And that waitress pissed me off from the first minute I saw her and I can't handle having those kinds of reactions... she was just too close and I felt too vulnerable to put up with people who annoyed me and I couldn't lean away like I needed to, and it was too bright. And those nice nice teens who were talkative and loud and touchy and good, who hid their cigarettes and had good clean fun, will probably be hurt and awful in a few months time... but having never known that, I really wonder what its like to be good, to not have to fight against everything to try to be.

and wouldn't it be easier to just give in?


Closest thing to unconditional love, and having had that taste... What else would do?