4 AM thoughts

Its so late but I guess I am not quite tired enough to fall asleep... probably the 2 cups of coffee and the RC cola.
I was in bed praying.
I guess my mom is having surgery tomorrow, but I wasn't thinking of that, I was thinking of all the friends I have and how many people I care about... and it takes a long time to go through them all.

How is it that I am so blessed?
I don't feel I deserve it, but when my relationships are strained I certainly wish to keep them intact.

Becky used to always say I had a lot of friends. Jess says the same thing to me now... with a sort of WOW attitude. But it feels normal to care about lots of people... how could you not?

When I go through the names on facebook I often find that there are so many that I don't even talk to anymore... people who I have fallen out with, or just dont happen to run in to.
BUT sometimes there is a feeling of regret that comes with that..
when I am in this gratitude mode though, more often I just sit and allow the feelings of joy to pass through me or sometimes to build up in me. These are amazing people. They have so much to offer the world.
There are still a few of those cats on facebook that I don't actually feel that connection with... but I have no doubt that someone else does.

Lacey was telling me about her feelings for a friend of hers the other day.
It was so easy to understand why she cared, because I could think up a thousand examples of people I have thought of (for a moment at least) in that way...
that way of loving someone because they have potential, because you have seen their true self for a moment... and that's all it really takes right?

One moment and you can be hooked.
Sometimes I think about people who after sharing that moment were reluctant to speak to me again, or see me again... not because they didn't feel it, but because they did and they were caught off guard.
Sorry to bring up facebook again, but I think its the most incredible thing because every time some person who knew you ten years ago friends you, what they are really saying is "I had that moment with you once" and sometimes you aren't even aware that they felt that way...

WOW I am overwhelming myself right now.
some people scoff, but I can't help but believe in God, how could I not when I have met so many miracles?


I was sitting at Hard Times Cafe tonight for like 4 hours.
Bri from BFF and Linus sat near by and I wanted to talk to her, but she was busy. She seemed to have another best friend of perhaps a boyfriend who worked there and I just liked to watch them, the way their connection filled them with energy and smiles.
I watched so many people, made judgments and fantasies. At several points I wanted to call out to people "Hey you there! Why are we not talking?"
I kept my mouth shut but more than once caught that same glance from other people.
A man who reminded me of Gavin was there. Gavin the Kiwi of so long ago. Gavin who told me about his sex life like it was the content of his normal day, Gavin who shared his secrets and adventures, Gavin who liked to impress and entertain almost always having to do with his scrotum, Gavin who liked to share quiet moments getting real over Pizza, Gavin who went along for the ride because he too could sense that even people with a darkside were worthy.

I miss him like I miss them all. This man I knew 8 years ago for a week or two.
Its easy to feel fulfilled when one becomes so aware of these blessings...
But I am not always aware... in fact more often than not I am stubborn and ignorant to it.
I find myself wanting more as if I could even handle it.

This break has been a trip.
I got to see so many beautifuls,
but somehow most of my regulars fell by the wayside...
and in some ways that is for the best since so many were in town but a moment...
but even when I am overwhelmed like this... I check myself over and still know something is missing.

I like to think of it as someone, that dream girl, but really I know its just me lacking the self confidence to make myself whole. because I worry that wholeness would come at the price of giving up all these miracle connections.

On Hair

I've joked before that my hair was too pretty not to keep long...
which wasn't really a joke, but an actual motivation derived of my vanity.

So I have been thinking a lot lately about the importance of hair, or rather why I keep it long... I am thinking about this because I will cut it in about a month.
I understand the reasons I cut it, usually a letting go process, a renewal. But why keep it long?

I understand that to most people they probably see me as one of those pony tail guys who are kind of creepy. Its not standard, its not exactly easy. It doesn't usually win any points with the ladies.

At times I know it has been my "freak flag" and generally I used to think that having long hair afforded more options than having short hair, but really due to the weather (humidity, heat, cold) and due to wetness and laziness I almost never do anything but throw it back. When I have short hair I actually find it is far easier to fuck with... throw in a bobby pin or some gel and wham you got a new hairstyle.

Also the rigidity of maintaining long hair can be a task. Not only do you have to keep it clean, combed and untampered with (if you want to donate it as I do) but there is a general sort of understanding that you will not suddenly shave away half your head...
This rigidity is something I am occasionally attracted to, I like the idea of Nazirite vows. I like the idea of undertaking this for something higher than myself... if nothing else to fulfill a vow. This is partially why I grow and cut in a 3 year cycle. I don't know why it happened that way... just something I came up with when I was younger but then it stuck. True the vows have been broken twice, each after a breakup when I needed that cleansing.

But I am wondering if I want to continue the three year cycle.
Weighing the options, pros and cons of having short hair vs long.

Usually when I have short hair I can't wait for it to be long again.
There is a sort of comfort there.
It used to be that I could hide my face, but now its more just the security of knowing I don't have to rely on me alone... like jewelry and pageantry it brightens and highlights (if only in my mind).



I used to be really attracted to long hair. I mean I still am, but I have grown accustomed to and attracted to other hair styles now as well. There are things I would like to try, if only for a week or two. Things that may not make me prettier but that would make me feel like I accomplished something (walking around looking weird is an accomplishment).

Anyway... I guess I am just thinking.
The song "Hair" from the musical Hair is still something I agree with in general I think. I feel like we should explore as much as we can and create and express.
But equally I am feeling a drive to conform, to settle and it doesn't feel bad. It feels like a nice thing sometimes. A new form of comfort.
I am guessing in a month or two I will start growing my hair though...

an update

Thanks for all the good wishes
my mom saw the doctors yesterday and is scheduled for surgery next week
followed by radiation therapy, followed by hormone therapy.
She seems almost excited.
I think she is ready to put this past her and stop everyone worrying
But this means that if all goes according to plan, none of us will have to worry within a few months which was basically the best case scenario.
So that was nice news to be woken up to yesterday.

u love it

at least 15 minutes or so

I got books to read and shit but...

I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing.

So the deal with that one post is that I found out a few days ago my Mom has Breast Cancer. Its hard to know how to react to that because for the most part I am not worried, but at times my thoughts get to me and it builds up quick. So the other night it was like 2 AM and I was just freaking out because I didn't really have anyone to talk to. I really wanted to just write something on facebook -like a general plea for someone to care... but my cousin hadn't been notified and all my family is on there and we are supposed to save face or something you know... so my cousins wasn't told because My uncle died just a year ago and its scary news to tell a teenager. Well anyway... it wasn't really just that, I was thinking about my Dad and how both his parents were dead now. How this was the first Christmas we didn't even think about going to Sioux Falls. How we will probably never do that again. Its just a lot to think about.

Its been hard lately... I am really enjoying time with friends but there are people I feel I am disappointing. I am not sure if I can change that, or if it is my job, but it feels bad.
The break has been really nice though... just relaxing and having fun. We went to a movie and went bowling today and sledding yesterday.
Like simple clean fun, no drinking or worries (except oh shit I'm gonna hit that jump!)
I got to see Nova and Robyn, and Hollie and Gabs and Ismael. I also got to see one of my old friends' new house which was surprisingly amazing and domestic and home-like. A bunch of people might go to Poncho Villa tomorrow so that should be fun.
At some point I know I need to do some work and read and maybe do some Spirit of Truth stuff but its been nice to have a break from my normal reality.

Um I liked Avatar and Sherlock Holmes, and home movies I do recommend Synedoche New York even though its a little slow... I think it might be more fun with someone. I am about to watch The Broken.

By the way since u were wondering my first bowling game was over 100 but the second wasn't so you can rest knowing I did " meh".

I have also discovered Mike and Ike Bubblegum which you should buy and be jealous of.

I figured out what we can do tonight when we are bored!

I cant even explain it all...
its just like heart break and too much weight.
and it feels really exhausting already, and it makes me even more reluctant to do holiday shit.
and it feels like I can't say anything because then I'm just moping and not trying to work through it... but it was hard enough to get out of bed and now I don't even want to think.

UHHHHHHH
I feel like I am the worst son ever.
life pulls too many directions at once sometimes.


*****************
I want people to understand how miserable I am right now... but I can't say anything or explain it right.

Tonight is not one of those nights where overcome by a flood of thoughts emotions or a strong feeling of values I pour onto the page.

No tonight has been relaxed, indulgent, enjoyable if a little lonely (but sometimes the loneliness starts to feel familiar like company).

I watched like 9 episodes of Weeds season 4, I ate pie and fried potatoes and chinese food and candy. I listened to good music loudly. I ran around the house a little.
I am tempted to do weird things since my roommates aren't home... but I spose the cats don't want to see me make a fool of myself either.

A man sang to me while I was on the phone at a store.
We are having a secret family meeting tomorrow, the secret being why we are meeting.
I may go sledding soon, I may go to Benihana soon.

I should read and drink less coffee and coke.

I should write something worthwhile and draw more or even paint.

I should play some computer games while I have the time.

I should see some friends and set up some one on ones.


We shall see
We shall see

A Corner (John Frusciante)

"I mean it
I wouldn't go ouside and walk around
They may fear for your life
But I've reached this conclusion

everyone's in a corner
face to the wall
I never looked the other way
I'm not allowed to at all

great is my confusion
It never lets me be
well no one said to be here
I was punished by me

and there's a weeping fire
that's high as a moutain
and we skip all the way up
to the top

great is my confusion
It never lets me down
everyone's in a corner
they'll never turn around"


John Frusciante is no longer with the Chili Peppers which makes me sad, but I also know that he will keep making music I love... so oh well.

I like this song, because like much of his lyrics I feel like he gets at some truth that we all seem to forget about.
Specifically the lines:
"everyone's in a corner
face to the wall
I never looked the other way
I'm not allowed to at all
great is my confusion
It never lets me be
well no one said to be here
I was punished by me"

It seems true enough that we send ourselves to the corner in punishment but never really think about why, and when we get there we can't see or understand anything because we don't let ourselves turn around and see what is going on.

Right....

This may go down as the worst blogging year in a few.
I guess with the comp problems and general business I haven't really been writing.

I taught a class at school where the kids had to create blogs and talk about rebels and revolutionaries. The idea was that they would find someone they thought acted as either a rebel or revolutionary in their field.
The list of topics ended up including:
Marilyn Manson
Sid Vicious
Lady Gaga
Lil Wayne
Wisin y Yandel

Timothy Leary
Jacque Fresco
Al Capone
Che Guevara

Irish Republican Army
The Warsaw Ghetto Uprising

Jesus

I would put up links, but most of them weren't all that great and all of them included a lot of copyrighted material.

I decided to try to do a geography class next trimester along with World History 3 and US history 2.


I have been awake for approximately 3 hours but it seems like forever.
I haven't done anything yet.
I was in bed thinking about how we are all hypocrites and we will never not be. Someone had recently told me that I needed to stop worrying about the small things I would never be able to stop and instead dedicate myself to something larger. Its a strange paradox, can I do better by ignoring the bad things I do and instead putting more energy into the good things I can do?

A Lakota medicine man came into our school. He spoke of crystals and technology that could save the planet, he spoke of spirits in trees and ancestors who look out for us. Its funny how one can switch modes to hear about tree spirits and envision them as true beings, accept them as reality when in the company of someone who believes these things (if they are native). But if a friend said that they believed in leprechauns I would probably laugh at them.

The reality is both.
We are both trying to get better and trying to keep us from getting better. All hypocrites.
All saints and sinners. So when we move away from old habits that we worried would destroy us, we moved into new habits that kept us from living (and destroyed us)... the balance is in acceptance. This time next year I wont remember saying or thinking any of this. I may have already said it a thousand times.

Sometimes I am amazed by my own poetry. Sometimes I think its all crap.
Sometimes I am amazed by my art, sometimes I refuse to draw.
Sometimes I want to sing and talk, other times I wonder what I have to say at all.
And this is to be human.