Friday, July 31, 2009
Saw this tonight
Obviously I loved it... maybe hit a little close to home (I don't know why the video is so big, I tried to fix it and it wouldn't budge)
The song below (Carla Bruni's "Quelqu'un M'a Dit") is on the soundtrack as is a bunch of Regina Spektor
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Smaller notes from the other day
I think my idea of the ideal male body is changing to include some level of muscle (perhaps fat_ but balance seems to be a key ingredient in the ideal of both male and female forms.
I like the way the toothpaste gathers around my mouth when I brush my teeth giving me a sort of half clown make up smile, and though I wipe it away before anyone can see it, each morning it makes me happy.
I'm not sure sunglasses actually look good on anyone. A distraction at best, they tease, but perhaps to put a positive spin on the distasteful but functional item, they do offer a moment to indulge your imagination and envision the truth in a strangers masked face.
I love honest people, people who use their honesty to create and communicate rather than disgrace, a challenge but so as to embrace.
The woman here doesn't say anything when he sneezes but puts her cheek to his and her arm around his shoulder while staring together at the computer screen.
I like the way the toothpaste gathers around my mouth when I brush my teeth giving me a sort of half clown make up smile, and though I wipe it away before anyone can see it, each morning it makes me happy.
I'm not sure sunglasses actually look good on anyone. A distraction at best, they tease, but perhaps to put a positive spin on the distasteful but functional item, they do offer a moment to indulge your imagination and envision the truth in a strangers masked face.
I love honest people, people who use their honesty to create and communicate rather than disgrace, a challenge but so as to embrace.
The woman here doesn't say anything when he sneezes but puts her cheek to his and her arm around his shoulder while staring together at the computer screen.
Notes from the other day
What is bad-evil?
to be human is to be able to rationalize anything
does "bad" = hurting someone (what if it helps and hurts them?)
is the physical sense important (breaking the heart is less evil than assaulting someone) yet emotional abuse is more traumatic than physical abuse (by report)
is power, or power imbalance a necessary factor, can people of the same power level be evil to each other?
do trust and privacy matter?
is a betrayal (in secret) of trust or privacy a bad act if they never know...
is it somehow better if they know?
does one have to gain from the act?
******
I was annoying Lacey with my philosophical questioning, analyzing and rationalizing.
to be human is to be able to rationalize anything
does "bad" = hurting someone (what if it helps and hurts them?)
is the physical sense important (breaking the heart is less evil than assaulting someone) yet emotional abuse is more traumatic than physical abuse (by report)
is power, or power imbalance a necessary factor, can people of the same power level be evil to each other?
do trust and privacy matter?
is a betrayal (in secret) of trust or privacy a bad act if they never know...
is it somehow better if they know?
does one have to gain from the act?
******
I was annoying Lacey with my philosophical questioning, analyzing and rationalizing.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Oh GEEZ
Its amazing how reluctant I am right now to doing productive or responsible things.
Its like I am nervous or afraid of screwing them up.
The idea of making calls to fix things or check up on things or make plans or whatever... I dunno its weird.
Like work is scary.
But I like work, so why am I scared?
I have been through it why be reluctant?
Weird what a vacation can do to you.
Its like I am nervous or afraid of screwing them up.
The idea of making calls to fix things or check up on things or make plans or whatever... I dunno its weird.
Like work is scary.
But I like work, so why am I scared?
I have been through it why be reluctant?
Weird what a vacation can do to you.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
because I had two cups of coffee at 10-11 PM tonight
I am 99% sure I am going to wake up tomorrow feeling like I did when I woke up the first few times today
Nauseous
and that fuckin sucks!!!!!
Nauseous
and that fuckin sucks!!!!!
review
Looking back on the last few months of this blog I have two thoughts:
A) not enough color and not enough posts
B) you couldn't not rhyme even if you tried really really hard.
A) not enough color and not enough posts
B) you couldn't not rhyme even if you tried really really hard.
Things one thinks about upon waking.
Or at least I do.
Tattoos.
Suicide for a purpose.
Let me paint the picture for you.
For some reason when I woke up I was thinking about getting a tattoo, which seems perfectly reasonable in my book and thus I started designing that tattoo in my head. The idea was simple, it would look like a hole had been ripped open in my upper arm and that vines of all sorts were coming out and spreading down my arm or other places. I couldn't quite figure out why this appealed to me until I recognized what spreading vines mean to me, which is "hope," hope that even if things go wrong, my body can be reclaimed by the earth and that good things will be done with it. This would be on my left arm, the one the peace sign and heart are on, because the point is to remember these things first.
Honestly: I feel like this tattoo has done its job, and lately I have been thinking of what to put on my right arm. On my right arm in a similar place I have been thinking about getting my "taffyman" character holding a sign that says "be the change you wish to see" which is some cheesy bullshit I know but the idea of the taffyman character is that he is able to morph into what he wants, and in a similar fashion this tattoo would say to me, Mike you actually have to work to do the things you want to do. So on my left, the values I wish to believe in, the things I hold dear and the idea is patience and love rather than acting quickly and being angry... the right being the change, making the change I wish to see in the world... acting with integrity... on my left arm the vines spreading from inside saying "if nothing else, the world will reclaim you, love and beauty and life will reclaim you." and on the right... in a similar fashion...
the hole would be made by red and blue tubes and metal wires, twisting down my arm to challenge the taffyman character...
the change you wish to see vs the reality of this world the cold technology the hard and fast paced the obstructions and rationalizations, the excuses the modernity.
So that was the plan for the tattoo.... but I also woke up with a different thought which I wrote alot about elsewhere tonight which was this: Mike you have heard a million secrets and not one has ever phased you about the person or made you think worse... you couldn't judge because you feel worse than them. (which is another blog in itself)
but here is where the two come together...
the tattoos... the negativity.
If the purpose of the tattoos is to try to make myself better... and if I am worse than most people, aren't they more deserving of my body? Couldn't they use an arm, a leg, an eye, a liver more effectively and positively than I?
So I started thinking all 7 pounds (the movie)
what would be the most effective use of my life... and I started wondering if it were possible to give up these things before the "end" of my life would that be a good use?
Would it be better to give someone a second chance, or to improve their life if it meant ending mine?
Yes I have a martyrdom complex and always have (as far as I remember)... but I started planning out who to talk to and how to make that work... and this is all before I even got out of bed to check my e mail...
Well thats what morning thoughts are like.
Illy said to me, "you really obsess over the worst things" I said, exactly... so I am prepared.
Tattoos.
Suicide for a purpose.
Let me paint the picture for you.
For some reason when I woke up I was thinking about getting a tattoo, which seems perfectly reasonable in my book and thus I started designing that tattoo in my head. The idea was simple, it would look like a hole had been ripped open in my upper arm and that vines of all sorts were coming out and spreading down my arm or other places. I couldn't quite figure out why this appealed to me until I recognized what spreading vines mean to me, which is "hope," hope that even if things go wrong, my body can be reclaimed by the earth and that good things will be done with it. This would be on my left arm, the one the peace sign and heart are on, because the point is to remember these things first.
Honestly: I feel like this tattoo has done its job, and lately I have been thinking of what to put on my right arm. On my right arm in a similar place I have been thinking about getting my "taffyman" character holding a sign that says "be the change you wish to see" which is some cheesy bullshit I know but the idea of the taffyman character is that he is able to morph into what he wants, and in a similar fashion this tattoo would say to me, Mike you actually have to work to do the things you want to do. So on my left, the values I wish to believe in, the things I hold dear and the idea is patience and love rather than acting quickly and being angry... the right being the change, making the change I wish to see in the world... acting with integrity... on my left arm the vines spreading from inside saying "if nothing else, the world will reclaim you, love and beauty and life will reclaim you." and on the right... in a similar fashion...
the hole would be made by red and blue tubes and metal wires, twisting down my arm to challenge the taffyman character...
the change you wish to see vs the reality of this world the cold technology the hard and fast paced the obstructions and rationalizations, the excuses the modernity.
So that was the plan for the tattoo.... but I also woke up with a different thought which I wrote alot about elsewhere tonight which was this: Mike you have heard a million secrets and not one has ever phased you about the person or made you think worse... you couldn't judge because you feel worse than them. (which is another blog in itself)
but here is where the two come together...
the tattoos... the negativity.
If the purpose of the tattoos is to try to make myself better... and if I am worse than most people, aren't they more deserving of my body? Couldn't they use an arm, a leg, an eye, a liver more effectively and positively than I?
So I started thinking all 7 pounds (the movie)
what would be the most effective use of my life... and I started wondering if it were possible to give up these things before the "end" of my life would that be a good use?
Would it be better to give someone a second chance, or to improve their life if it meant ending mine?
Yes I have a martyrdom complex and always have (as far as I remember)... but I started planning out who to talk to and how to make that work... and this is all before I even got out of bed to check my e mail...
Well thats what morning thoughts are like.
Illy said to me, "you really obsess over the worst things" I said, exactly... so I am prepared.
Is it weird to be attracted to a whole family?
Listening to the Ode to the Roddes Family again lately...
I love them musically and all but I can't listen to them and not imagine their beautiful faces. Three children all gorgeous all kind of different looking. When I first saw them I had no idea they were siblings until I saw the way they looked at eachother... like they knew everything about each other... like they couldn't have been more comfortable. Then it was the eyes and the smiles and the noses and the cheeks and the jaw structure and it all came together before they announced it. In my mind this is what angels look like... because they dress in old style clothes and somewhat dirty looking but with angelic looks all types of innocent and slightly devious. But also I really wish there were more bands in the area that played that kind of music.
I love them musically and all but I can't listen to them and not imagine their beautiful faces. Three children all gorgeous all kind of different looking. When I first saw them I had no idea they were siblings until I saw the way they looked at eachother... like they knew everything about each other... like they couldn't have been more comfortable. Then it was the eyes and the smiles and the noses and the cheeks and the jaw structure and it all came together before they announced it. In my mind this is what angels look like... because they dress in old style clothes and somewhat dirty looking but with angelic looks all types of innocent and slightly devious. But also I really wish there were more bands in the area that played that kind of music.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Why am I awake
6:09 and I have been awake for at least half an hour.
Thinking thoughts on the future, the present and sometimes the past.
I know it was the cats that woke me and my roommate running back and forth that kept me awake... but now it is quiet except in my head.
Why am I not sleeping?
I did not have extra caffeine last night.
I do not have any pressing matters.
I am not concerned for anyone's safety.
I am not accustomed to being awake at this time.
It makes me want to write but I don't really have the patience.
Oh well...
Thinking thoughts on the future, the present and sometimes the past.
I know it was the cats that woke me and my roommate running back and forth that kept me awake... but now it is quiet except in my head.
Why am I not sleeping?
I did not have extra caffeine last night.
I do not have any pressing matters.
I am not concerned for anyone's safety.
I am not accustomed to being awake at this time.
It makes me want to write but I don't really have the patience.
Oh well...
Sunday, July 19, 2009
an update of general props
Well I finally started putting recorded music on my computer. This mostly consists of whatever I have accidentally recorded while fucking around on my guitar. The tracks are really inconsistent, there are very few actual chords and a lot of me trying to play percussion on my guitar while strumming a few notes randomly.
Along with this I uploaded the music program that comes with the recorder. So far I have no idea how to use it. My goal is to start making some songs (computer made) or something... but I don't know that I have the right equipment.
I slept for several hours today. Most of the morning and the afternoon.
I decided that if someone ever asked me to describe someone who really lived life I would describe laurel. I also decided that no one writes in blogs anymore. I don't know if its become less popular or if they just dont have anything to say or they are busy... but about 80% of the blogs I used to read have become inactive... more inactive than even this one.
I worry that I will not do anything with this month off.
Yet I am not ready to get down to the productive or creative things I am supposed to do yet...
So I bought some computer games to fill in the space between... so that I am not tempted to sleep like I have been doing.
Along with this I uploaded the music program that comes with the recorder. So far I have no idea how to use it. My goal is to start making some songs (computer made) or something... but I don't know that I have the right equipment.
I slept for several hours today. Most of the morning and the afternoon.
I decided that if someone ever asked me to describe someone who really lived life I would describe laurel. I also decided that no one writes in blogs anymore. I don't know if its become less popular or if they just dont have anything to say or they are busy... but about 80% of the blogs I used to read have become inactive... more inactive than even this one.
I worry that I will not do anything with this month off.
Yet I am not ready to get down to the productive or creative things I am supposed to do yet...
So I bought some computer games to fill in the space between... so that I am not tempted to sleep like I have been doing.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
some things are harder to enforce than others
When a student is bored,
because say; the video isn’t loading properly on the computer projection screen,
leaving all to behold the great projected blank scene
with an “in progress” hourglass they have no doubt witnessed
several million times in their short short lives
and thus they are being educated with more of the same, it remains
their duty to sit still and attentive. Right?
And when the room is full of sweaty 16-18 year olds,
And the temperature inside is hotter than out,
And there is a fan, but its barely swiveling about,
And it’s the last hour in the day,
and even the computer seems to be wasting away
and the directions have been given, so that mostly we are all just sitting
waiting for time to pass on that hourglass…
well they are still in class so it’s their job to pay attention.
When there isn’t a hand out, When the chalk board has run out,
of helpful hints, that they just squinted for,
but their notebooks are gathered on their laps,
and they are told to “STOP” when their pen starts its taps,
When the teacher has gone through each every point and the only thing left is to wait for the fucking hourglass to turn back to the arrow point
Its still not time to play
So if you talk too much you will be sent away… because laughing and joking and showing your boredom is an affront to us all and doesn’t help the situation.
because say; the video isn’t loading properly on the computer projection screen,
leaving all to behold the great projected blank scene
with an “in progress” hourglass they have no doubt witnessed
several million times in their short short lives
and thus they are being educated with more of the same, it remains
their duty to sit still and attentive. Right?
And when the room is full of sweaty 16-18 year olds,
And the temperature inside is hotter than out,
And there is a fan, but its barely swiveling about,
And it’s the last hour in the day,
and even the computer seems to be wasting away
and the directions have been given, so that mostly we are all just sitting
waiting for time to pass on that hourglass…
well they are still in class so it’s their job to pay attention.
When there isn’t a hand out, When the chalk board has run out,
of helpful hints, that they just squinted for,
but their notebooks are gathered on their laps,
and they are told to “STOP” when their pen starts its taps,
When the teacher has gone through each every point and the only thing left is to wait for the fucking hourglass to turn back to the arrow point
Its still not time to play
So if you talk too much you will be sent away… because laughing and joking and showing your boredom is an affront to us all and doesn’t help the situation.
