What the deal

Its been really nice reconnecting with my peoples this week. The other day I had two wonderful phone conversations and was up till 2-3 in the morning. But I wonder where I am meant to put my energy these days.

It seems interesting timing, perhaps saving me from myself that all these friends are suddenly available. But at the same time, arent I supposed to be out seeking new relationships?

School is rapidly and chaotically winding down. I will Next week we are starting the finals time... and in many ways thats when I feel most connected to the students... feel like we did something good.

In the meantime though... Couple more days of classes... lots of things up in the air.

and so it begins

One of my best friends is getting married in like a week. She just got engaged but it makes sense for their situation. By just got engaged I mean Sunday.
I saw the pictures on facebook and texted her. She has lived in Canada for a long time so I don't get to see her nearly as much as I would if she lived here, but still, when I think about people I care about she's right up at the top still.
I am really happy for her, everything seems to be coming together in a great way and she deserves it. (((this might sound mean, but I have always seen her as someone who really does deserve her happiness and I don't know why she gets elevated to some more important class, but fuck it, thats my bias))) So I am happy....
but I got really anxious waiting to hear from her.

Its like the world makes its move sometimes and you don't really get an obvious signal, but all of a sudden things are different, and you are playing by new rules, and you aren't necessarily sure what they are, and thats scary, but different can be good, different can be exciting, different can be happiness.

I gotta say too, its weird. I use the words love so casually sometimes, but moments like this make me realize how much I mean it... and maybe this is the good situation (unlike say... freaking out from a nightmare or something) but one of my loves, my genuine real loves is going to be married. Just because she was never my girlfriend doesn't mean its not weird. How many hours can you spend talking and thinking about a person, their goals, thoughts, dreams etc... before you realize their life does matter to you... and not in some intellectualized way, but in the way where their existence is intertwined with yours on whatever level... but forever... I feel like the words we use in english don't make sense, I'd say I feel "threatened"- but I don't, I feel "loss" but thats not quite it either. Its certainly an awareness of something...
but either way, even if its through wet eyes or a tight stomach, you genuinely smile because they are happy. You trust them. You extend your faith to those they love and make room for them in your heart.
the expansion of the heart... maybe thats what this feeling is.

Sick of thinking in monotone, single file lines

There are those days or moments rather when you want to write something truthful, impressive, worldly, perhaps uninhibited. Whether it is a bold statement of theory or just a restatement of old truths, it doesn’t matter. A well worded opinion, a creative gesture drawn out, a reflection, anything that might cause the reader to think for just a second to share in that moment something real –a learning experience. Good conversations are like this, but I haven’t been having those lately. Good classes are taught like this, but I haven’t been teaching those lately.
The whole thing is held up by this need for originality or creativity or something insightful you know? It’s tough to hinge the moment on such a fleeting concept, when will the muse land?
Still, there are those moments when the desire is great, so you find yourself writing, just to write really…
I can’t decide why all of a sudden it hits me right now. Maybe the conversation about politics and teaching at the coffee shop. Natural elements like tested friendship versus relationships yet to meet their critical moments. Maybe just the caffeine, a drug to knock through the haze that has been my forever (it seems).
But for just a few minutes it’s nice to be able to process more than one thought. It’s nice to be able to intellectualize into the gray, and maybe throw in some emotions, maybe throw in a dream, maybe throw in some devil’s advocate just to mix the situation up again, all just a reminder that you are not as slow as you seem lately. Just in time, I was beginning to lose hope, I thought maybe I am done being a teacher. Maybe I am done with this whole learning thing. Maybe my body is losing and taking my mind down with it. Maybe this is a dying breath, a last hurrah, but I hope the haze falls away permanently soon. Subdued everything is so mundane.

Mostly I find this outfit suitable

I wonder if I could count down the number of sneezes
till this cold is gone. And if its allergies, till this body is.

My nose winces
the smell of metals and chemical burns
expired medicine lathered on my skin.

I read a book today
That told me to go find a mentor
Go find a community, go live my learning
I haven’t found my way past the door yet

My finger tips remember the orange they peeled
My front teeth remember the first bite
My mind recalls the shock
My eyes envision a thousand
More, dry oranges?

I’m waiting for your car to arrive,
2 hours and counting, but right now I’ll bet its sitting in your drive way
Warming in the sun, I wonder if it gets bored with the scenery,
If it notices the changing petals,
if it pants in an exhausted way
All the exhaust away

Kilgore Trout

We have a new cat. I would show you a picture, but I don't have any.
I don't really have much to report right now.
I have a cold.
I realized that because of my busy schedule lately, I have/had like 6 people to see this weekend. I think I am going to be able to fit them all in, which is awesome.
There is a possibility I will go to North Carolina and possibly some other southern destinations this summer.
I am worried one of the cats is going to go to the bathroom on or underneath my bed.
We will soon have a new roommate too.

Things seem to be going well I guess.
I have no t shirts left so I must do laundry very very soon.
I should also do some homework.

I am also thinking of maybe trying to take a class sometime.
No idea if that will happen.

Sunshine and angels.

Land Use On Earth

In all the stories and fairy tales they never mention the impact on the body when star crossed lovers collide. Longing and distance bring distaste and aches, but each caress is supposed to be like coming home,
and the fleeting moments send shivers down the spine,
and the anticipation brings butterflies which flutter like fairies,
whimsically dancing.

Not knots, not panic, not the dizziness of being at sea in a storm,
not the thought disruption of that truly awful seas sickness.
and it leaves me wondering
shouldn't one have to forsake the land to feel this

If I had met you in India I could have blamed it on the food, the weather, the water, the heat, the mosquitoes which carry that queasiness to land from the sea, and make the noblest and strongest of men plead for casual caress.
Comfort my needs.

Though my stomach is weak, I've rarely experienced such upset.
Makes me wonder if we are truly meant,
or if my stomach is telling my heart and mind to repent.
Let the tides be the judge.

I woke up from an unfulfilling nap

The cat is pissing me off. She has been fed and given attention. Yet she is still whining. I wish I could shake her and tell her there is nothing else I can do.

Nothing seems appealing right now. I give up on writing.

embrace the awkward

for all the libertarians

Sometimes We Arent Aware

A friend called me out on something today, a behavior I didn't know I was doing, and furthermore didn't think was all that uncommon or inappropriate... actually I explained it as being one of those things I thought people just needed to learn to accept about me, a quirk.

Maybe you have noticed? Sometimes its really hard to make plans with me, especially concerning food... or maybe I talk about plans concerning food for an extra amount of time? or go into too many details or ask questions when obviously no one cares... like "should I do this, or this?"

I tried to explain to my friend, who told me that they were bringing it up not only because it was annoying but also a bit of concern... that I get anxious and uncomfortable making plans for food... I am unsure.

After a whole long conversation about the roots of issues, eating disorders, other traumatic experiences concerning people talking to me about food issues, I am not sure my friend was happy that they brought it up...

but I guess I hadn't really realized that it was a problem. Then when I left the place we were meeting at, I found myself in the same position that I had been in when I was talking to the person and that had sparked this conversation...

I hadn't eaten since this morning, I was clearly very hungry, but I needed to psych myself up to go eat something "enjoyable." I needed to find some way to justify it to myself, or needed someone else to tell me that I was making a good choice or something....

I am often taken aback (and make note of it to the people) when I see someone easily enjoy food.
I have gotten in arguments and conversations about this with people for years...
I even have sworn a thousand times that I do not like food, in fact I hate it... but the truth is, sometimes I enjoy food... it just takes a lot of mental effort to get me to do it (the exception seems to be when I am with people I enjoy, but I also don't always get hungry when I am full in other ways).

So I was walking to my car, psyching myself up to go eat. Trying to think what would be enjoyable and worth the effort... because today, and most days... I tend to wait until I get to that point before I eat... otherwise its not worth the effort and sadly when I was confronted on this issue ( this compulsion or obsession), I quickly realized it wasn't that the food wasn't worth the effort, It was that I wasn't.

How easily we blame others, inanimate objects, the nourishment itself, cuz its easier than admitting how terrible it feels to not care about yourself, to think you don't deserve it.

(I usually don't consciously think this way, is what I am saying, but I have found ways to work up the effort to do what I need to do- and this can be annoying to other people)



-similarly when I left the restaurant I couldn't concentrate on anything until I washed my hands (this one also comes up when I am stressed) but I realized I was saying out loud to myself in a car "thank god" when I found a wet wipe.... and thats pretty sad. A ridiculous sense of relief over something logically I know is dumb.

Though I have many websites and blogs already I sometimes wonder if I should keep a few others... maybe one that I can actually advertise and share with people so that I could write to people instead of feeling like I am writing this to no one... maybe another that i could write all my actual thoughts in and that I would share with no one so that I wouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed.

Tyler Blanski is amazing and I really like his new cd (I got it at cheapo, local section)
Its simple and pure at times, the lyrics are comforting but also thoughtful. They are like stories he is sharing with you but without telling you the character's names, so you start to feel like there is a sort of love that you can imprint any name or face on.

I am reading far too much of this twilight shit, but just as promised I feel lonely and I miss them when I finish each chapter or book. I even like the habit, its keeping me from other habits sometimes... like facebook stalking etc.

I want to write music, I want to write, I want to draw... but I don't know that I am able right now.



----
Just for the record I am totally crushing for someone new, for all the wrong reasons and its probably all in my head, and I am getting no confirmation of any of this and it makes it worse... and it makes the novels and the music come alive even more... but like I told Becky, when I was confessing all this, the thing I miss the most is the feeling...
I want to say, I see God more when I am around her, maybe purely coincidental, but God's presence is nothing to take for granted.
Becky would make fun of me for saying God, when she assumes its just my natural self, but she couldn't mask the delight she had when she saw it come back to me... and that was what I needed at that moment.
To the skeptics, even coincidence can be beautiful. I just like beautiful things.