post 1703

Getting older is a process I wish I could enjoy more.
Instead I find spots and bumps that were once not there and miss the smooth skin of my childhood.
I have several poems about my body issues... the most recent had the lines:

The droop and stretch,

Feel exhausted from catching it all


Its hard, I wonder sometimes if I were more at ease with my self, if I would be more at ease with my self.

We watched a movie today at school on Healing the Wounds of Incest, intense topic. I couldn't even talk. I had the grown of too many negative emotions caught in my stomach, taut with repression.


One of the women in the movie remarked that it had never occurred to her that her depression and self loathing was tied in with the abuse she suffered. "I just assumed it was who I was." she remarked, something she had to learn to live with... and I couldn't help but think of so many of my friends who's self destructive tendencies are never blamed on the injustice they suffered through, and it is never spoken of when speaking of getting better. The future is somehow separate from the past, because it would be far too painful to admit, or because admitting would launch them into a world that was too different and new (possibly not full of pain and suffering, but at least they know how to deal with that... right?)


To interrupt we have lyrics from sunny day real estate:

"The way you were
So disturbed
Whats your worth?
What is it you heard?

Try to smile as they devour our youth"


The movie was really good. But far too hard to be processed on the spot.

Incest is one of those topics so taboo, that you can know someone who has suffered it, and still make jokes about the general topic in their presence because no one admits it.


Through out the movie I was questioning my own actions, thoughts and feelings. Thought about the dread of anyone knowing anything and wondered if the concepts of reconciliation and honesty are even possible things. Thought about loved ones, who smile at the thought of secrets shared with siblings and dream each night of demons entering their bedrooms. Strange contradictions when love, lust and abuse are entangled, at what point is one responsible for their own actions?

-they should know better (of course), but what if their love and security was interrupted with a new and awful lesson... what if that is what they learned?


-and I started questioning the dreams I had, the fantasies... and why they all revolved around certain places and certain things. Because all signs point in one direction but I don't know that there is anything there. Like a hundred trusted advisers pointing to an empty corner, and what if it is empty? Then are they simply condemning me to my due punishment, a life alone, embarrassed standing in the corner, staring at a wall. What if that's all I find there?
... and I have no way of finding out.

Maybe its all deliberate delusions to consume, justify and confuse myself.


Later in school I showed the students Darfur Now, a Movie about the genocide and conflict occurring in the Sudan.

They felt hopeless, and I tried to remind them of their power. You don't have to work for the UN or the Red Cross to make the world a better place. Start with a friend.


The evening ended with a movie a coworker recommended. A hard movie called Half Nelson. Oh how I hated it at times. A good man self destructing, out of control, abusive, manipulative. It reminds me of myself and I hate it and I want to lash out at him, say "can't you see what you are doing?!?"

and I want to punch him and hold him back from hurting himself and others (because my solution to everything is I know best, because I can't watch chaos and not want to bring order to it). Entirely scandalous, not okay, not perfect... and yet isn't that the point of the movie? A tree can be both straight and crooked.

One can make mistakes and be out of control, and still good things can happen, for others can learn from your mistakes and sometimes remedy them.


beauty and chaos mixes to mean


Each fall can lead to a new embrace,

each hug a new world,

each stab a new universe,

each smile a reminder that we are it.