I pretty much want to say this to my students everyday

"Now wait a minute, hear me out! Now you kids with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg, your Zima, hula hoops and Pac-Man video games, don't you see? People today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds"

Its from Baseketball.

I pretty much want to say this to my students everyday

"Now wait a minute, hear me out! Now you kids with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg, your Zima, hula hoops and Pac-Man video games, don't you see? People today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds"

Its from Baseketball.

I had another one of those dreams where all the people I love(d) are all together. Where I kiss someone because I care about them, and no one judges that for more than it is. Had me thinking about alexis all day. subtle infatuations.

I feel like all the pieces I have been writing have been very random, seldom finished.
My records show only 5 files.

Titles:

The Yes We Can
To Be on the Radio
Oh baby I want you to ramble (the first line)
Confidence
If the ground is trembling due to a volcanic eruption (the first line)

the topics vary
genocide, self esteem, comic victimhood, hope, and talking.

but all things that I have written about before, different but the same.

I haven't felt like writing much lately. Maybe nothing to say.
What I have been doing is singing. A lot... and not comfortably. because my voice gets worse with each day of singing. Sometimes I think I have like vocal cord polyps or whatever...
This is also not comfortable for my neighbors and roommate. I don't mention it to them, and they don't mention it to me.
The problem with this is that I want to be creative. I have been introducing myself to all these wonderful bands and different styles of music, and I want to make it too!
But I can't
because I can't write or play music worth shit. And I cant make up new songs that are good, when i only have my own uncreative mind and untuned voice.

Still, I got a new power cord for my keyboard and a new amp for my guitar... just in case.



_____________________________________________________

I tried to write out the lyrics to a song I want to make. I couldnt think of words, but I know what the song is about.
Its about a child who hears something horrible on the radio, but because they are not used to hearing that kind of thing, they assume its a good thing.. at first. The song is supposed to remain innocent as long as possible, while giving hints that there is something wrong.
Its harder than you would think to write something in a child's voice.
Especially when you cant think.

something like a real conversation in which thoughts and ideas are proposed... on the tv! wow

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

almost a week

I don't really have anything to say. Had some good events and good conversations. Heard from some friends I had been wanting to connect with.

School starts again tomorrow. I can't remember if I have prepared things or not...
Oh shit its going to be tuesday not monday... I don't think I have anything prepared for psych. Oh well... prep time to figure something out.



Damien Rice
I tried to listen to his new album because in some ways its less bleak... but both albums remind me of the bittersweet and sometimes awful times in relationships. Which is something I enjoy... but sometimes I think I indulge in the bitter memories a little too often.



Like I said, I got nothing to say. I spent the day alone.

post 1703

Getting older is a process I wish I could enjoy more.
Instead I find spots and bumps that were once not there and miss the smooth skin of my childhood.
I have several poems about my body issues... the most recent had the lines:

The droop and stretch,

Feel exhausted from catching it all


Its hard, I wonder sometimes if I were more at ease with my self, if I would be more at ease with my self.

We watched a movie today at school on Healing the Wounds of Incest, intense topic. I couldn't even talk. I had the grown of too many negative emotions caught in my stomach, taut with repression.


One of the women in the movie remarked that it had never occurred to her that her depression and self loathing was tied in with the abuse she suffered. "I just assumed it was who I was." she remarked, something she had to learn to live with... and I couldn't help but think of so many of my friends who's self destructive tendencies are never blamed on the injustice they suffered through, and it is never spoken of when speaking of getting better. The future is somehow separate from the past, because it would be far too painful to admit, or because admitting would launch them into a world that was too different and new (possibly not full of pain and suffering, but at least they know how to deal with that... right?)


To interrupt we have lyrics from sunny day real estate:

"The way you were
So disturbed
Whats your worth?
What is it you heard?

Try to smile as they devour our youth"


The movie was really good. But far too hard to be processed on the spot.

Incest is one of those topics so taboo, that you can know someone who has suffered it, and still make jokes about the general topic in their presence because no one admits it.


Through out the movie I was questioning my own actions, thoughts and feelings. Thought about the dread of anyone knowing anything and wondered if the concepts of reconciliation and honesty are even possible things. Thought about loved ones, who smile at the thought of secrets shared with siblings and dream each night of demons entering their bedrooms. Strange contradictions when love, lust and abuse are entangled, at what point is one responsible for their own actions?

-they should know better (of course), but what if their love and security was interrupted with a new and awful lesson... what if that is what they learned?


-and I started questioning the dreams I had, the fantasies... and why they all revolved around certain places and certain things. Because all signs point in one direction but I don't know that there is anything there. Like a hundred trusted advisers pointing to an empty corner, and what if it is empty? Then are they simply condemning me to my due punishment, a life alone, embarrassed standing in the corner, staring at a wall. What if that's all I find there?
... and I have no way of finding out.

Maybe its all deliberate delusions to consume, justify and confuse myself.


Later in school I showed the students Darfur Now, a Movie about the genocide and conflict occurring in the Sudan.

They felt hopeless, and I tried to remind them of their power. You don't have to work for the UN or the Red Cross to make the world a better place. Start with a friend.


The evening ended with a movie a coworker recommended. A hard movie called Half Nelson. Oh how I hated it at times. A good man self destructing, out of control, abusive, manipulative. It reminds me of myself and I hate it and I want to lash out at him, say "can't you see what you are doing?!?"

and I want to punch him and hold him back from hurting himself and others (because my solution to everything is I know best, because I can't watch chaos and not want to bring order to it). Entirely scandalous, not okay, not perfect... and yet isn't that the point of the movie? A tree can be both straight and crooked.

One can make mistakes and be out of control, and still good things can happen, for others can learn from your mistakes and sometimes remedy them.


beauty and chaos mixes to mean


Each fall can lead to a new embrace,

each hug a new world,

each stab a new universe,

each smile a reminder that we are it.

In another dream

Ms Jurewicz (who I loved, but everyone else disliked)
was teaching a class. It was a college level course, but she was using many of the techniques that she used when we were younger. We had been asked to write about what this music was... a soft acoustic rock, in a different language. I said it reminded me of Hacia De Ir, but another girl was singing ojos de brujo. I recognized the music she was humming and wanted to communicate that to her, but Ms J was waiting and getting pissed that no one was paying attention to her. Even when she started to talk and we were all aware how angry she was the girl would not stop humming -in open rebellion. Now I really despised this girls actions...
Ms J got angry enough that she just put on a movie... at first it seemed like a sports movie but was interrupted by something that had been taped over it... I dont remember what it was. But when it was over it went back to the sports movie.
-during all this, I was looking around the room to see what books she used for her classes. She was a mix between Ms J and one of my college professors (they do actually kind of remind me of eachother in spunk). I tried to record the names of the books.. but they would change (that whole not being able to read while dreaming thing).. I would write down one title then realize I mistook a word for another.

In another dream...
we were on a sailboat, I wasn't sure what my role was... but it seemed we were chasing after another sailboat. It also seemed we were possibly being pursued by several large police army ships... like destroyers and battleships. But we were quickly going to run into this harbor... was it a race? nearing the end, we purposelly crashed into the other ship... it was like they had a bomb on board and we couldn't let them land, even if the police were going to blow us up. And Jackie Chan was there.

There was something about LA too, but it wasn't really LA, but a smaller town that one could walk through but associated all the same things with...
I spent time on the beach, and walking the main street to the beach.

sorry zach the paper sucks.

craigslist missed connections is so interesting sometimes.

i couldnt even watch this whole video

it made me cry

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

brought to you by

rather than bore you with my life, the funny

From XKCD

Also,
the greatest set up to a mean joke.



and.... Sara Benincasa (who did the Sarah Palin Vlogs on 23/6) doing some stand up about how comedians are "freaks"



and if you want something more disturbing -bringing her most ridiculous spoof (note, not actually Anne Hathaway)

harsh week at work?

Man today.... I don't even know what to say. Perhaps I am overly sensitive to moods and thus I just get caught up in the general mood of the school. But sometimes they are crazy and obnoxious and I am certainly not feeling that.

I guess today wasn't so bad. Classes were generally good. Lots of hard issues though... and the students really felt it.
Like how can you talk about gang rape without someone tearing up, and without someone getting defensive, and without someone checking out completely, and without someone asking why we have to tackle these huge issues.
Well, in our society abuse of power and the use of force against vulnerable people is a real issue. Its a struggle we will all face in some context and sadly some of us have already. So when you say it hurts to have to think, sometimes I smile inside, because I know this lesson will stick with you till you are old. Maybe it will encourage you to not feel alone, or encourage you to be sympathetic rather than make fun of or refuse to support someone who has been victimized. Help give hope to a survivor that you are willing to hear their plight and do something about it.
Cuz history class might allow you to conveniently separate yourself and process only with your head... but your life, your history, your time -hell I want you to kick and scream all the way through it. Out of rage or excitement, out of anger that helps you deal or guilt that helps you change it... because change does happen... but only when someone says "Enough."

Tough day at the office, the boss was really reaming me hardcore.

I have been water coloring for the last few hours... nothing too grand. I sort of hate the paper that I bought specifically for water coloring... I thought it would work, but it doesn’t... it sucks up the water like a sponge.
One of my goals for the year was to do more painting when I could... I mostly meant water coloring because anything else takes too long to set up and dry and what not... So I am doing that... but it’s slow and less regular than I hoped.
This thing keeps switching to italics...

My fortune cookie said "You will have good luck in your personal affairs." I don't know what to think of that. Yesterday I was feeling lonely and unwanted, but then I sort of reminded myself how many wonderful people are in my life... and that made me feel better, but I sort of hope my personal affairs means I will have good luck in meeting someone, or convincing myself to maybe have faith or reach out more.

Last night I had a dream in which I was laying on a bed in an unknown house. It seemed like a very modern house and it had a big window above the bed. It was night, but from the window I could clearly see the stars and the moon. Then a planet moved in... closer than the moon or sun. It seemed to take up a huge area of the window and I guessed that by its size it was Jupiter (but its very well could have been Neptune or Uranus. It may have had some rings, but I am not sure I noticed them until I saw the second planet, a different color moving in slowly and as it moved in I recognized it as Saturn. The first planet continued on its path and then suddenly it moved faster and faster, further and further away...
Saturn took the center stage. It was beautiful and just like the first planet it filled my eyes and the room with a glow, a wonderful sense of beauty and calm, yet exciting, eventful. I couldn't sleep with this magnificence in my view... and called out. My brother James equally excited came into the room and I tried to explain what I was seeing... but he knew already. He was calmer than I, but also excited and he explained to me why the planets move in so slow and then so fast away (some trick of physics and the eye).
As Saturn left, James pointed out that a small Mars was coming into view. It was larger of course than I have ever seen it, but it looked so small in comparison to the gas giants.
It was somehow a sad sight, but also it reminded me of home.

I remember being in awe of this event I had witnessed... and I wanted to tell everyone... but I would have to wait till morning.

From a dream dictionary:
Planet
To see a planet in your dream, signifies creativity, exploration, and new adventures. You may be trying to align yourself with untapped energies that you never knew you had. Look up specific planet for additional significance.
Jupiter ?
To see Jupiter in your dream, symbolizes creativity, energy, success, optimism, generosity, pleasure and extravagance. The dream may indicate your need to exhibit some of these qualities in your waking life.
Neptune ?
To see the planet Neptune in your dream, represents inspiration, imagination, and devotion. You may need to show some more compassion and understanding.
Uranus ?
To see Uranus in your dream, represents originality, unconventional thinking, independence, freedom, and individualism. You may be rebelling against some situation in your waking life. Alternatively, it indicates that something unexpected is about to occur.
Saturn
To see Saturn in your dream, represents discipline, constraints, and a conservative attitude. It is also indicative of the lessons of life bringing about destruction and rebirth.
Mars
To see Mars in your dream, symbolizes drive, passion, fearlessness and ambition. It also represents war and masculine power.



Well I don't know what to think about that. To me it might have represented two or three different forces or directions, I sort of felt like they were different options...
But I woke up wondering if I would ever see that beauty and experience that kind of wonder again... and it made me sort of excited.


Yeah by office I meant school, boss = students, reaming means not listening to me in this case.

This week we are testing... today was the harder day about 5 students doing math. Tomorrow a few students will do reading and I only have to watch them for an hour. I don't like testing. I have to be a jerk and tell kids they cant go to the bathroom or take smoke breaks. When I finally give in, I have to make sure they actually go to the bathroom (rather than take a smoke break).

I constantly feel like an ass when I lay down the law at work. I also constantly feel that the students take advantage of me. I don't want to kick a kid out of class for talking (I talk), I don't want to kick a kid out for sleeping (I sleep), I don't want to kick a kid out for expressing their self in a rude manner (they have the right), But I also don't want to disrespect the rest of the students by allowing one student to ruin the whole class. Everyone tells me, just be hardcore.
But its usually not one student who is the problem, its all of them, what am I gonna kick 6 kids out?

I need to stop class and have more "hey guys, we need to follow the rules" talks.