Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I just spent the last hour thinking in my bed. Trying to get to sleep, but also trying to think about things.
Some topics:
Drugs
Work
Future
Relationships
Drama
Travel
Depression
Etc


I think my life seems to vary fairly dramatically between exciting times and very dull times. Right now, I'm guessing I am in a dull time. I can feel myself yearning for drama, in the things I choose to be upset about, or frustrated with. I am fairly relaxed. Last night I was listening to relaxation audio/video clips (I tend to do this a lot to get to sleep)... but I realized that my body already was relaxed and so was my mind. I wasn't tense or stressed.... just wanted some interaction, wanted to hear someone's voice put me to sleep.

I am considering getting on anti depressants, not because I am depressed per say, but because I can tell that the winter is keeping me inactive, and I feel like I am missing out on opportunities.
I don't know that antidepressants would help, but I feel like maybe they would give me a slight advantage in beating some of my self confidence/lack of interest in things.

I miss traveling, but even that offers little interest right now.
I know what I want, but I don't know how to get it.
I don't think I am helping anything with my attitude.

I feel very much like I am holding myself back.

The only problem with the antidepressant thing is I don't know how it will work with insurance... I don't know if I will have to pay for the drugs, or if I can do whatever... I suppose its something to look in to.

The funny thing is, I am usually always telling me to go to counseling, but I don't feel like I have any big issues weighing me down right now. I feel like things are going fine, just not great, and I worry that this is a soft slide into something worse... when it could be a soft slide into something better.... I am also really worried that these slightly depressed feelings could affect my work... I don't want to lose faith in my students or the school or anything. I want to feel good about going to work every day and I know that that is possible with this place... if I make the effort.

Recently some friends have been talking about self medicating...
I reacted pretty strongly to them. I don't think I am out of line. I know we could have the debate all year about the difference between drugs, but I think its the idea between positive and negative coping mechanisms. If drugs have been a vice, then most likely using them again will not be positive (even if it offers momentary comfort or release). If one is already struggling with depression, loneliness, lack of motivation, stress etc... then they probably shouldn't seek out drugs that are A) illegal B) have side effects of the above.

We all struggle with winter.
We all struggle when alone.
I think these are things I am being reminded of pretty hardcore right now.
Its supposed to be thanksgiving today. I can think of many things I am thankful for... but part of me likes to be super angsty on these days because I am overly dramatic sometimes.