um mike ranting

I don't really know what I want to say, because of course most of this is the same old thoughts, but I hate having feelings and not expressing them. Especially when they are affecting my social interactions... whether the people notice or not.

Its weird to be in a new house with new people around. I have never known Morgan all that well. But I knew enough, and I heard more from the friends who he was closer with. I have always respected him, so yeah it seemed logical enough to move in. Travis is a nice guy. I like him, I like them, I like the people they bring over.
but its different. Its different to walk into a situation that isn't your scene, and try to fit. They all know each other through work connections etc. I'm the only one around with a "real" job, which mostly just means I am sleeping while they are socializing, and they are sleeping while I am at work (which I would be if I wasn't working). I like their routines their lives. It seems like a really nice system. They are able to have groups over because the people know each other.
I was thinking about inviting morris kids over for dinner. But then most of those kids would scatter to the wind again. My park friends don't hang in groups anymore... I have been doing the single friend at a time thing for a long time (in the cities). I'm pretty used to that.
What I was saying about the not knowing people thing is weird though, because every night I'm around them or their friends I feel like I make a complete ass out of myself... and they all accept me because they don't know any better. Which is totally cute. Which is very nice of them... but I'm used to having people respect my opinions and look to me for things... and they do not, because why would they? They got their thing down. So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know my place yet within this group. I'm treading and its pretty awkward... not awful, but I wish I had something to stand on.
Its been really nice seeing Jessica lately. Illy last week. I wish i could see them more, but they have lives and other stuff going on and its a lot to ask... especially when I know what I'm missing is like a partner.
I was thinking tonight that its not even the lack of girlfriend thats been getting to me lately. Its the go-to-person. I have always had a go to person, someone to call or write or hang with.
Sometimes its a few people at once, but someone to bounce ideas off of, share your day with etc.

I have a feeling the true reason people all get married at the same time (and then in a quick hurry) is because people realize they are gonna have a harder and harder time finding those friends.

I guess this past week or two, I have been really happy and excited to be starting this new life. But all of a sudden it hit me today that I don't have anyone to share it with. There are only so many times you can explain the basics to some people before you just stop because you know you aren't getting anywhere you know?

-this isn't to say that the conversations I have been having with people lately are shallow or not helpful... actually its some of those conversations that made me realize this. but its also hearing from those people and seeing that they are seeking the same thing in others (makes one notice how lonely they are in that department).
and thats one of the weird things about living in this house.

three young single guys, all doing fairly well... all reasonably desirable. all single, all seem to have more female friends than male, all seem to have a hard time getting in actual relationships rather than having several friends who provide those qualities.

So I hear from these guys about their prospective girlfriends, their dates, their disappointment when they realize a fling isn't going anywhere, or a friend with benefits will never be more...
and it reminds me that I'm not even actively looking.
my roommate has 5 dates in a week or two and I been sitting at home waiting for a friend to call.

this all started hitting me while eating chinese food.
this is my silly chinese zodiac thing
"Noble and chivalrous. Your friends will be lifelong, yet you are prone to marital strife."
(not that I believe this stuff) -of course the marital strife part got me.

Heres a longer one for fun:

The Boar

Boars are self-reliant, very sociable, dependable,and extremely determined. Boars are peace lovers and don't hold grudges. They hate arguments, tense situations, and try to bring both sides together. In life they make deep and long-lasting friendships. Boars enjoy social gatherings of all kinds, and look for parties to attend. In fact, Boars must watch themselves so that their incessant pursuit of pleasure doesn't interfere with other aspects of their lives. Boars belong to clubs and they make terrific fund raisers. They have a real knack for charity and social work. Boars always listen to problems. They won't mind getting involved and try to help. Boars have big hearts. A problem that Boars have is that they are too innocent and naive. Being honest and trustworthy themselves, they have a hard time understanding the motives of those with less scruples.

Boars do not dazzle or shimmer. They possess the old-fashioned chivalry that grows on you until you totally depend on it. It is so easy to trust Boars. They have a calm expression and a sincere manner. They are blessed with endurance and work steadily at tasks with great patience until completion.

Once Boars arrive at a decision nothing stops them. Of course, before they reach that decision they weigh all the pros and cons. They definitely want to avoid complications. Sometimes they ponder so long they miss the opportunity altogether. But never mind, Boars always believe in miracles, and miracles always happen to them. Fortune favors Boars. They always find someone to help them without having to beg.

In romance, if not careful, Boars may be taken advantage of. Boars trust everyone and believe everything they hear. They are unselfish and enjoy helping their friends. Although they are gullible, they are actually quite intelligent and know how to take care of their own. If you hurt their feelings, Boars often carry the pain for years. They have a hard time saying no to those of concern. Often they wish they had said no.

Boars will always be looking for ways to work off all their extra energy. They work and play hard. Even if they lose everything, Boars manage to bounce back. Their life path supply them with all they need. The Chinese believe Boars own the Horn of Plenty.