New Home?

I've been here for roughly 9 hours. My room is quickly getting situated. Though i need things like a garbage can and soap/shampoo. Its amazing how much stuff it seemed like I had just yesterday... now its fairly clean. We shall see if it stays that way.

I don't really know what to say. I pretty much spent the last three days with one mission in mind.
Now I'm here... its back to work.

Me and Becky saw Wall E ... which was pretty good.

Sometimes I have a hard time sleeping when I am nervous or new to a place. Which is funny considering how many places I have slept.

We have already had some people over. I was thinking about having a gathering.... but then its 4th of july so a lot of people are out of town. I need checks so i can pay rent.

friendly people in morris made this for me.

The above was made for me by numerous friends. Um, I should mention that there are a few items on the board that were not technically meant for this project. But I glued them on anyway, cuz im mean like that.

Also, I think there is something between me and Huck.

hot hot hot

The weather or maybe you looking all sticky like that.



What to do... I wish I didn't have to actually move to move.



I want to go see some movies.



I don't even know my new address.



At some point I should eat.

Too much stuff

So I'm cleaning, packing and organizing stuff. A more in depth look shows that I have far too much stuff.
What do I do with the 100 notebooks filled with scribbles(art and writing) from every month of every year since I was little. I haven't looked through them in decades but something tells me they are important to capture the age.
The unpacking of boxes shows I don't actually need every college book I ever had. And some experience in the field shows that I don't actually use all my wonderful books so filled with knowledge that they take up 2 inches on a book shelf. Do I need the 20-30 novels I have managed to read in between studies in the past few years? Will I ever read them again? Or will I just pick up a new book? I would lend them out... but who wants more crap? Comics? political books (that really only speak to one presidential cycle). What about art? I never feel like I'm creating enough... and yet I got a closet full and shelves full and really I don't care about it... I just don't want to throw away my efforts. FREE TO GIVE AWAY! Movies I never watch. Cds I dont use because they are all on my computer, but I like to know they are there whenever my computer crashes.
I'm moving into a space that is just as small as the one I'm in. And of course some stuff can be left behind... but left behind for what? To be thrown away later?
Hats and hair extensions I have never worn. Cloth from foreign countries no one wants. Art from friends... their time, creativity, attention and caring.... and what do I do... sits in a pile on my floor... waiting for some day when I can put it on a wall... i guess.
office supplies and toiletries but every time I need some I stop at a gas station or target. And every office I work at has supplies to give me. Empty notebooks and sketch pads... So many that they take up half a shelf because eventually I will get to them... but apparently not as quickly as they will be gifted to me. Keeping track of them all is a task in itself.
What about the what if stuff? Poker chips? musical instruments? board games? I use them... sometimes... but enough to take up space?
what about tourist shit I bought. Memories of a time and place... but crafted in some factory and sold on the street by some kid, not worth their weight really.
So many of my friends have learned to be non materialistic, minimalists... And I understand why. And I like their places... but they are barren... there is nothing going on. And I need color and texture and the ability to grab a book or have a shirt or a hat or a scarf should I want it.

but the real question is.
Anyone want anything?

If you have something to say, you better say it now.

falling together

This weekend I'm moving to uptown.
Soon I will buy a bike.
Yesterday I found out that I will be staying at the school for a while longer.

You know what this means?

soon I will have a total melt down.
Yea!!!


On another note... I really like the background color of my other blogs, because this one just doesn't work with any of these colors.

sometimes i just say shit

oh yeah - thats right.

one of us smells like the sun pissed on us.

5 or 6 notes

1) A lot of the time people apologize when they wake me up. Truth is normally that I'm sleeping because I don't have anything else to do. So if you ever call and I am sleeping and you want to do something, normally thats a good reason to wake me.

2) My family is out of town today and I don't have any plans. I slept in till 4:00. I have no motivation to do anything really... but I'm not necessarily depressed. I just dont know what to do with myself. My goals were A) shower(check) B) brush teeth and comb hair (check) C) go get deodorant... D) make sure I am ready for work tomorrow.

3) Reading all these books on shamanism and religion and mystics and what not makes me want to try hallucinogens. A few days ago I stopped a kid while he was talking because he told me something along those lines. I didn't regret telling him, but I also wanted to tell him I understood what he was saying. So now I feel bad, because he felt guilty for telling me.

4) One of the people in the book I am reading said something about how hallucinogens are not for people who are seeking spiritual experiences but for those seeking sensory experiences (a different look at things)... I haven't really figured out which I am right now... because though I am feeling very strongly about spirituality and wanting to grow in it, I am also feeling very human right now. Very lacking in something, and it is these times when we seek a different view most often.

5) Four things I know I am not lacking in: family support, friends (if I would reach out), opportunities, ability
3 things I am lacking right now: companionship, awareness of stability, will

The free fall breeds anxiety for me. This has always been the case. Right now I am very in flux, and sometimes its really good, and others not bad (but not good)... and I have never liked roller coasters. So I guess I'm waiting for something to hit, or some plateau to reach.

6) "all the good times are on their way" jf says...
um one of the people in the book, was talking about how sometimes mystics and seekers, find god when they feel the most detached from him (this person was Jewish I think, but used a lot of Christian references). I was thinking of the music that has had the biggest impact on me, usually complex crazy multi layered pieces, usually having some tremendous buildup and climax, also usually having some sort of chaotic awful falls into something really depressing.
JF, Mars Volta, some of the more pop sounding bands I like have this with either a line that hits so hard that its impossible not to feel sad, or some wonderful jam in which everything seems beautiful... but beauty often comes from chaos I guess is part of it. Even the international music I listen to has this... I think its what causes my mom anxiety when she listens to it.
But that part is beautiful to me.
Anyway, I was noting this in music...
And also in spiritual instances I have had... Of course the ones that sustain me regularly are these chats that I have with people, or seeming them in their element... that sort of thing. But often then come with the person revealing something really hard. or displaying some sort of tenderness for those who have had something happen to them.
The other, the more traumatic ones, usually came after some horrible point where I was ready to give up on life altogether, and I pleaded with god to let me know there was something worth it, and suddenly it was. Not anything more than a feeling, no trippy visuals , no voices, no spirits... well maybe some spirit... but I was always alone and then suddenly not.
And you don't tempt something like that. You don't cry wolf. So that hasn't happened very often.
but sometimes I get glimpses of it praying, or singing, or painting.... or in talking to people... and thats that sustaining power.
Anyway... I thought it was interesting... for me... it really isn't always at my best that I am closest with god... or maybe its when I'm low that I notice the difference (which is what we call hell).

Whatever you are sick of me.
fuck it.

I feel so fucking biological lately. Stupid biological needs and evolutionary manipulation. Mark my territory and that jazz.

books and more

So I just started reading this book Becky gave me. Its a scientific look at Mysticism, I believe attempting to combine both qualitative and quantitative evaluations. It seems the author is just talking to people who have a lot of experience in both religious/spiritual and scientific backgrounds. It also has a lot of discussion of what the author refers to as "entheogens" what we would refer to as hallucinogens.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about this stuff because of the class I'm teaching... and the books I'm reading. I always thought that I would continue my pursuit of spiritual awareness and I do feel i have a really strong but very general background in the subject. Surprisingly it is more academic than first hand. I tend to know a lot more about the history and scholarly studies of religion rather than pursuing the traditions myself. I don't do yoga, I don't pray a thousand or even often times a day. I don't attempt meditative trances or anything. I don't do hallucinogens all that often. I don't do spiritual quests the way I used to. And I don't have any plans to join a meditative center, or a Buddhist retreat, or become part of a community in any tradition.

This makes me sort of uncomfortable when I hear my little brother talk about the spiritual experiences he is having lately. I'm so used to seeing us in a sort of hierarchal fashion with me being more spiritual than my brothers... of course this is bullshit... but its a sort of feeling I have regardless of the thoughts because thats how we grew up (I pursued an interest in this, and they in sports and other things).
Steve is definitely having some awakenings. My mother is worried hes got a mental disorder... and maybe he does, but to me it sounds like the ideas and thoughts and feelings I love to have... and I don't understand why we should tell them that those ideas are wrong. We are worried about him containing them... but maybe we shouldn't work so hard to contain ours.
He talks about seeing god in people, and isn't that the foundation of several religions? Isn't that something beautiful? I hope to see god in all people. That would make me really happy.
One thing I think is interesting, is that in several traditions the role of a spiritual person is to, at times be an outsider. There are traditions that say the mystic must at times act crazy, be irresponsible, be chaotic, disruptive etc etc.. and that during this time their friends and family will reject them. People will look down on them and say they are no good. And during this time the person learns just as much about themselves or the world or god as in any other religious exercise. This period can last decades. Or I assume it can be a day or two that changes the entire way the people around you see you.
We go through these times in our lives when we feel we have no support, we feel crazy, are we crazy? We presume we must be, and some give in, and others pursue further, denying that there is anything wrong. And chances are... both are ok.

But we have a society that likes to pretend that disruption is bad, and change is bad, and differences are bad, and so we have no position for people who are these things... when they are and have been our salvation and the leaders that bring us forward.

norm coleman on iraq

If you want the whole clip (its pretty long)
http://blogs.twincities.com/politics/upload/2008/06/franken_and_coleman_on_iraq/DW_C0930.wav

Dude you are way too hot to still have pants on.

You should take them off...











I'm bored.

wow

if anyone wants to keep up with the fascinating world of lnas world religions class.... you should check this out.... but comment here...because i want the students to make comments there. Not you guys.
Its actually a lot more interesting than this blog.

also brendan changed his page.. so i will have to update that at some point.

fiddle sticks and love?

Talked to mel on the phone. She seems alright, but we were talking about being single. I think both of us sort of rely on the it will come to us method... and in moments of doubt... well.
But I was watching Angelina Jolie movies and thinking about how hard it would be to love someone who acts for a living, because maybe the line wouldn't always be clear, of when they were performing and when they were real. As if there are such things.
I'm worried that my school wont offer enough mental challenge. At the same time, its probably the best fit I will ever find for me (at this point in life) and I really actually do hope they keep me on. Everyday I want to beg for it... but thats not professional.
I also want to move to the area because that seems like the place to be.
I also want to be closer to certain friends I have been losing touch with.
It's weird, Becky being away and having people over all the time and friends and stuff makes me realize I have neglected my other friends. At the same time I miss her even though she has been around, just different.

When I was in europe the second time... I was dating Alexis, but she was sort of seeing another guy. They were really just good friends, with crushes, as far as I knew... and I wasn't really jealous, or rather I was comfortably jealous... because I appreciated him and what they had...
and could see that it was good for her. When I returned she made a sort of joke about how she had kind of been dating someone... it stung a little, but I know I have had becky in that role for a long time now. Someone who you care about, who cares about you... it doesn't have to be a "real relationship" because there is love there.. There doesn't have to be physical intimacy, because you are content to have someone who knows you... and they can fill your days, and be your confidant, and a fellow adventurer and it doesn't have to be anymore than that... but it keeps you from looking for those things elsewhere. In Lex's case (with her friend) it seemed to have kept her loyal to me when she probably shouldn't have been. In my with case with becky it kept me on solid ground when I needed to assert myself in that relationship... but in lex's eyes kept us from going forward.
Recently Becky and my relationship has allowed me to be content and not search... but now she has someone, and she has a group of friends, and foreign travelers who come and go but add something to her life. And I should use this opportunity to find others.

Love is very tricky. I was telling mel that in all my relationships I was never really sure at all about anything. I moved forward because I liked the people and believed in them, and thought that because of that... we would work. But just because you care about someone doesn't mean they are right for you... and we call these "mistakes" but we don't regret them. We love them though they torment us. And the slightest bit of attention from them even today makes my heart jump and my smile show.

So we were complaining about how we don't know how to pursue. You can go places and join dating networks... but you don't believe that is for you. You put yourself out there now and then, but you don't make moves.

I tend to become friends with women, but in those first few days, weeks, months, I think about the possibility... until something happens and I realize that we would make much better friends. Leaving me with 10 or so new friendships a year (not that any of them were interested in more necessarily, but once the idea is gone its gone *for me).

I feel bad complaining, but in some sense I hope others who are single or in a relationship and know about these thoughts, fears, hopes, frustration... relate rather than judge.
Other friends have mentioned it a lot lately... its comforting to know we aren't alone... but because we are all in different arenas its hard to help each other out.

I often think its funny when people suggest that I should meet someone... because usually that sort of thing doesn't work very well... maybe when I'm 30. Speaking of which, a student remarked today that I looked 30... we agreed it was the facial hair... but if you look at those pictures I put up a few days ago.. its very obvious how much i have changed (at least to me).
But mostly I covet my former body. (which is funny, because I hated it at the time, like I hate mine now *sometimes)
but like Tim Minchin remarks in his song "Not Perfect" "this is my body and I live in it... the weirdest thing about it is, I spend so much time hating it, but it never says a bad word about me. This is my body and its fine... its not perfect, but its mine."


but back on topic. I also think its really strange how many different depictions of what "love" is, are in tv, movies etc... so many of the movies I watch depict the crazy dependency thing as romantic... when they say I can't live without you, when they say I have loved you since the day I first saw you... and its that sort of thing.... i simultaneously am grossed out by and also feel like I'm secretly waiting for (not consciously of course).

In other news: if you want dirty funny lyrics in comedic rap form from a teenage....
watch the following video:

nada new

I added these to a different me website last night... so
you can have them too...
I'm generous like that.

I'm trying to find some lyrics to put down.
i guess the flobots
"Rise" (I pulled this shit from the web and did not check it)
"Lost hope and found need
Grounded by our surroundings
Did the walls scream universities
Or you and i verse the tees
React automatic and we burst when squeezed
And make 9-11 each emergency
Urgency amber to red like the turning leaves
Oh please let the hurting cease
Don't let apathy police the populace
We will march across
Those stereotypes that were marked for us
The answers obvious
We switch the consonants
Change the sword to words and lift continents"

I woke up way too early.
It is 6ish... i have to be at work at 8:15. I been up since 4ish.
I wish I could take a nap for like half an hour... but I can't.

I don't even know what I am doing today.
oh well... here are some videos maybe i have posted them before.









that last one is the flobots official video for that song "handlebars"

Remember how long my hair was senior year?

These pictures confirm that I was once much younger than I am now.
Also that I had really long hair
Also that I cant keep my eyes open worth shit
and Im taller than my mom, and I have awesome clothes

but pete cant keep his eyes open either... so that cool.... tie dye and peace sign on cheek for graduation.

Blast from the past!

me in spain
james and his first sort of gf in spain (we ran into her at random... he was more than weirded out)

me in turkey

my mom wanted to take a picture of how much i was carrying... (i seem to have had a really hard time keeping my eyes open for pictures at the time)
I may have already put up some of these pictures, as this blog was originally dedicated to this 2002-3 trip...

20 under 20

Kristi took me to this event the other night of young artists (under 20 yrs old). here are some of the artist and musicians and shit. I wish some of the spoken word artists had websites... they were good.
Jess Nelson
Rudy Fig
Broc Blegen
Katelyn Eng
Rachel Gregor

the other paintings I been working on

Its made up of 4 small square canvases that I put together to create the bigger piece. Of course I couldn't necessarily decide which way it was supposed to go, because I decided when I started that I wouldn't have any recognizable things in it...


but then I was messing around on picasa and made these...

um from the past couple days

Paintings from the last few days...


dorky me
dorky me
kinda looks like the mask

your uncle sam
i dunno why but i like this
I think i called this a tumultuous peace -however its just bs
this is me trying to get rid of old paint that doesnt work any more.

updates!!

Today is gonna be a really tough day. I have decided to stay up all day (i woke up at 1:00 am having gone to bed around 10:00 pm) Lately I have been going to bed around 4-5 AM and soon I will have to wake up around 5-6 everyday to get to work on time (and be awake).
So its time to change the sleep pattern. Already though I am really tired. Too tired to paint (show you the outcome of that later).

I don't even have any movies to watch. I ate Mcdonalds breakfast.
I guess more youtube and books or something.
My fam may try to force me to go to church.
I kind of feel like I went to church yesterday.
I think maybe I should make that a weekly tradition.
People watching somewhere.
It could be like every Saturday from noon till sunset, a forced sitting. I'd bring books and writing/drawing materials. Maybe I would learn harmonica instead of just singing songs to myself. People don't notice you are singing when you sit down. They think they should avoid eye contact so that you don't harass them for change. But the truth is the people are often just people watching anyway. Sure sometimes they need the cash, sometimes it means something... but more often they are trying to get your kids to smile, have a conversation, enjoy your presence for a while.

um update because it is current

jessica is funny as hell and also awesome.

dreams and god

I dont know why that came out small.

I had a dream last night, I dont remember what was happening. I think I had it again later, or similar, Becky was not friendly to me in it. Many elements of destruction possibly death.

I been reminded today of the many forms of God and the ways in which he speaks to us.
"Homeless" man, Steve and books, music and painting.
Its 2:20 Im tired, and not. I might stay up all day. i might go to bed in 5.

What happens to you?

The man told me we gotta stop speaking of the past, if we ever want to be enlightened as a people.

As in we are not waiting for, and we have not been reaching for, but rather we are enlightening. (or in practice of)

if you like hip hop

buy this cd. ten bucks at target.

i actually ended up staying up till like 4-5 painting. And I was happy with some of the outcome, but this morning I realize they need touch ups...

"And who of you are like me?"

"But is it just the pains in your head
That are thrilling me
Another life's falling down onto it's knees
But I'll never smile the way, that I did like that day

Everything will be okay
It'll be okay"

just cuz some one is a better artist than you doesnt make them a better person.

HA Blockbuster sent me the wrong movie!!!!
Apparently now I'm going to watch coyote ugly. Which wasn't good the first time I saw it.

I came home early to watch a movie and finish a painting (picture later)
but the film made me lonely.
How to cure?
another movie...

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

Look at me, look at me
hands in the air like it's good to be
ALIVE
and I'm a famous rapper
even when the paths're all crookedy
I can show you how to do-si-do
I can show you how to scratch a record
I can take apart the remote control
And I can almost put it back together
I can tie a knot in a cherry stem
I can tell you about Leif Ericson
I know all the words to "De Colores"
And "I'm Proud to be an American"
Me and my friend saw a platypus
Me and my friend made a comic book
And guess how long it took
I can do anything that I want cuz, look:

I can keep rhythm with no metronome
No metronome
No metronome

I can see your face on the telephone
On the telephone
On the telephone

Look at me
Look at me
Just called to say that it's good to be
ALIVE
In such a small world
All curled up with a book to read
I can make money open up a thrift store
I can make a living off a magazine
I can design an engine sixty four
Miles to a gallon of gasoline
I can make new antibiotics
I can make computers survive aquatic conditions
I know how to run a business
And I can make you wanna buy a product
Movers shakers and producers
Me and my friends understand the future
I see the strings that control the systems
I can do anything with no assistance
I can lead a nation with a microphone
With a microphone
With a microphone
I can split the atoms of a molecule
Of a molecule
Of a molecule

Look at me
Look at me
Driving and I won't stop
And it feels so good to be
Alive and on top
My reach is global
My tower secure
My cause is noble
My power is pure
I can hand out a million vaccinations
Or let'em all die in exasperation
Have'em all grilled leavin lacerations
Have'em all killed by assassination
I can make anybody go to prison
Just because I don't like'em and
I can do anything with no permission
I have it all under my command
I can guide a missile by satellite
By satellite
By satellite
and I can hit a target through a telescope
Through a telescope
Through a telescope
and I can end the planet in a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handle bars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars
steve sent this to me and I thought it was awesome.

hey if you live in Michigan you should say hi, tell me who you are, whether I know you or not etc.
I'm fairly friendly.

Well... I got nothin.

I been working my way up to painting something.
I also might go see some former students tomorrow... but i dont know if i will... i sort of want to, and sort of feel weird about it. what if i dont remember them? i suck with names. this is why i should label photos.

you should enjoy your self, its good for your health.

traffic report

I have been getting a lot of visitors lately who find pictures on google that I have posted... what is funny is that it isnt all the photos... just some. and also if you google "taffyman" a lot of robyn and Jessica's pictures come up but other people who I have linked to like ryan and adrianne dont. weird.

But welcome people.

I also found out that some of my youtube videos have been reposted to other websites... which is weird as hell man.

kucinich is awesome

Here are the articles he is reading from

make sure to watch them all!

um so

if anyone ever attacks you.... i guess you hit them as hard as you can just below the abs.
even with an open hand it should catch them off guard.

I dont know why national geographic is telling us how to break eachother's pelvic bones... but I guess its good self defense.

life feels less complete

I was going through pictures. They reminded me of places I had visited and events I had participated in... scenes I had watched unfold. The first few were cracked, it seemed odd, I wanted to call the company that had developed them. but I kept going through the large stack, the next set were from some camping trip. The people seemed happy, I felt like I recognized them.. then some nature shots. They were gorgeous! I started making plans to win contests with these amazing photos. The tree, that amazing tree. The sunset on the swamp water. And then back to friends. Warmth. It continued like this. It seemed these events were recent, they were important.
I woke from this dream and thought about it... just when did any of this happen? and none of it did. But I recognized those photos, I recognized the people and locations. I loved them.
and now I'm sad.

It always starts with a photograph, catches me off guard, as if I didn’t know that album contained them. As if I wasn’t aware that you’d be in there.

**************************************************************************************

What if just once I did hear those footsteps following, or as I closed the door, that hand reached in, or worse, Eye to eye, terror.

obama rally a while back

thirty thousand people in line means at least 3 hours of waiting apparently... and a snaking line that wraps around downtown st paul.


certain items were not allowed... so there was a multitude of trees sprouting umbrella fruit and food and whatnot


only like 18 thousand made it in... the rest watched on screens outside.

but from the inside u couldnt really see him

so we all watched on the screens anyway...

pictures from summer

you're a rainbow

so close ya can taste it

Kailyn and a night in the box


as we walked up to this guy he was reading verses from the bible while standing on that chair. Then a fairly middle aged asian man walked up to him grabbed the book (which we found out was not actually the bible but had excerpts from it) and threw it in the garbage... then gave the man with the wig a real bible?
the man just sort of listened and did as he was told.

im bored!!!!

I dont know why all those pictures turned sideways...


craigslist when you are already lonely... makes you feel like there are millions of single people just like you out there... and that none of you will ever find happiness.
ha!

Happiness ain't found because of a partner... it does help though doesn't it?


I think its funny so many people don't put pictures on. I also think its funny how many of them put really awful pictures on there. I guess some must think thats a good photo, others that it is a realistic photo, others that it is a photo that will cover up their real look... others that its the only photo they have at the time.
But blurry far away pictures don't send good signals.

This one girl emphasized how important it was to be attractive like 8 times in her little snippet... I cant say I always disagree but I felt like maybe if she spent more time thinking about more important things she might have found someone she liked by now.

Of course the actual age of most of the people I saw on there was between 19-28 and thats just a bunch of people like me complaining about nothing.

U gotta love the people that highlight their animals as being important, so important they put pictures of the dogs or cats on the page instead of a picture of themselves.


I'm going on this rant because i'm bored by the way, not cuz I actually care. Its only like my third time ever checking out craigslist.


______________________________________________________________

On an entirely different note, I always thought it would be really easy to write lyrics if someone just gave me some nice beats... but one of steve's friends apparently just made an album full of beats... and not a damn word is coming to my head.

_______________________________________________________________

Ani Difranco is just so damn good.... um what else

Hey heres something I wrote to my high school teachers... i dont think they got it... or they didnt feel like responding... (names of students have been changed but since these peoples names are public knowledge it didnt make sense to change them.

Greetings to you wonderful teachers!

Hello again. This is Mike _____ class of 2002 -long hair, too talkative, peace sign (I know how hard it is to remember everyone). I just wanted to let you know that I will be finishing up my social studies license in May and hoping to teach as soon as I can. I am pretty sure a huge part of my decision to become a teacher is because of all of you and wanted to let you know that I really appreciate all that you did for me and my class and think about you often. My time at St. Louis Park was one of the best times of my life and I'm glad to see that so many of you are still there.
Is it still a good school? Has it changed too much?

I always dreamed of teaching there but I understand that there are no openings available, still keep me in mind if anything opens up. Also, if any of you would feel comfortable giving me any advice, or if you know of any good leads on the job market let me know (especially if they are in urban areas, fun alternative schools, or international).
I thought I should share some fond memories (Forgive me if I mess up honorific titles).

Mrs. Garland, You were my first social studies teacher at the high school, and I'm pretty sure my incessant questions and comments had you flustered numerous times, but you were always more than courteous, fair and certainly helpful in challenging us to backup are political arguments and discussions. I’m not sure, but I think I began loving politics in your civics class.

Mr. O’Brien I was in your class my senior year when those planes struck the WTC and I remember you allowing us to watch the news every day. Personally it was a fairly challenging time for me to retain my beliefs, but I remember thinking that your response to this event was almost perfect, helping us to realize that in many ways the history of western civilization is actually still happening, and that in order to really understand events, we need to inform ourselves about them.

Mr. Miller your excitement in class everyday was amazing. U.S. History came alive for so many of us in your classroom, and when we fell asleep in class dreaming about Lincoln, Grant and Sherman, Davis and Lee, well you woke us up and regaled us with another great story. One time you got so excited about the topic of my presentation, you jumped in and told one of the best parts… but I can’t hold that against you because I am constantly excited by history now in much the same way. I only hope that I can bring that kind of excitement to the classroom.

McLean, what can I say? I camped on your lawn. You let us steal electricity and provided the extension cords. Deviance was never so fun. I’m not sure if you remember me now, but a couple years after graduating you walked up to me and called me by name and shook my hand and asked how I was, and it meant a great deal to me because you assured all of us that you would never remember our names. I have the same problem, but we could always tell how much you enjoyed having us as students because you sort of glowed in the classroom. It was great.

Mrs. Skadden, not only did I absolutely love sociology the moment I realized what it was, but also I never felt so personally welcome in a class. I don’t mean any offense to anyone else on this list, but every day you sort of went out of your way to tell me that you expected a lot from me but knew I was capable of it. One day in the hall after class you stopped me and told me I had to do something important with my life. Strong words, but exactly what I needed to hear. I don’t know if teaching will always be the right path for me, but I plan on trying in any and every way to fulfill that command.

Ms Jurewicz, I recently handed out an evaluation to my students and one responded to every question (whether it was related or not) “More yoga! More yoga! More yoga!” I’m not even good at it… Of the many things I learned from you, the most important has probably always been that it is important to be yourself, because that is how one shines. I think I learned that both from your words and your example. I was inspired by your stories, your attitude, your ease and comfort and I know it wasn’t always easy dealing with me or your other students, but thank you for your confidence and support, and for being such a wonderful inspiration to me in so many ways.

To all of you and so many others at Park, THANK YOU! I loved school, and it saddens me how many people have not had that experience. I really want to give you a list of all the people I wish you could thank and say hi to for me, but it might be kind of long… so I guess just let everyone know that they are great and I’m sure they are doing their best.

A quick bio to let you know what I have been up to

By the end of high school I had been to about 6-7 different countries but am now at about 30. I went backpacking in Europe right after high school and returned while doing an individual study on ethnic conflicts throughout the world. Those trips also provided time to explore parts of Turkey and Morocco. I also spent a few weeks in India cramming as much information into my brain as I could.

I graduated in 2007 from the University of Minnesota Morris, but have stayed there for a teaching license. Other graduates of UMM include Andy S , Ashley E, Kristen I, Tim P, Ashley T who is in elementary education, Tim is in law, Kristen and Andy are both playing music along with other activities. I graduated with a soc science degree, but chose history, anthropology and sociology as minors, and threw on a women studies area of emphasis for fun. I guess I wasn’t in a rush to leave. Anyway I have been enjoying my life a great deal.

I hope this letter finds all of you doing well. I have become more and more aware of how thankless this profession can be at times and wanted to let all of you know how much I appreciate all of your hard work. So thank you again.

updates?

Well... I'm thinking about moving to uptown.
I have some options that I am looking in to, the trouble is mostly financial security. Why make the move and what not and not be able to pay the moment I get there.
Still the place I went today has a nice location and is a pretty nice place, living with and within blocks of friends. Artistic people.

I started trying to plan out the weeks for my class coming up. Friday I meet with the other staff. Monday we start.

Tomorrow I am seeing Stomp With illy and her boy and her mom. Super sweet!

Last night i went to a great show by A Night in the Box
way entertaining.... way too late into the evening.

I don't know what to think right now. I feel sort of excited and confused. I feel sort of torn really between what is probably good for me and feeling guilty about other people's situations.

I haven't been artistic in a long time.

Or really much of a writer...

reading a book called stupid history has a lot of funny facts and misrepresented ideas from history.

i had a post about being lonely... but i didnt figure yall wanted to hear it.

Cuomo

"so join the struggle while you may, the revolution is just a t shirt away!
waiting for the great leap forward."

differences found with age

I used to drink a 2 liter of mountain dew every day. I used to wake up to a 1 liter and some donuts.
I had 1 can last night at around 10-11 pm... I feel like I'm not tired right now, and yet I don't think I slept for more than 15 minutes straight last night.

I really do think I screwed up my hearing at March Music Madness...
Its not so much that I cant hear, its that I cant distinguish between sounds and so it becomes really mixed and voices especially become kind of garbled up. My dad is hearing impaired... apparently I will be too. Also certain sounds have been a lot more pain causing... like high pitched loud things.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I have no reason to wake up before 5 right now... for a week I mean.

I'm gonna go see a thursday.

Olde English's Prostate Cancer

Still my favorite sketch... even though its live.

thanks to kat

woke up in the 20s. there were flappers and fruits in white suits. it was right before the crash. we got thrashed throughout the 30s. queuing up for soup in
scabby sores. and they sent us off to war. we came back in the 40s. there were wheelchairs, guns and tickertape. we poured it on the floor and made love to the
interstates. we got shiftless in the 50s. holding hands and going steady. twisting into dark parts of big midwestern cities. tripped right through the 60s with
some blissful little hippie. some kennedys got shot while you were screwing san francisco. the 70s got heavy we woke up on bloody carpets. got tangled up in
gaslines. i guess that's where it started. the 80s almost killed me let's not recall them quite so fondly. some kennedy o.d. while we watched on mtv. in the
90s we were wired and well connected. put it all down on technology and lost everything we invested.

we got to start it off with a positive jam.

all the sniffling indie kids. hold steady. all the clustered up clever kids. hold steady. i got bored when i didn't have a band. so i started a band. we're
gonna start it with a positive jam. hold steady.

cupcake

Never let your regret make you wish we had not met
I cannot think that way, yeah
I drove you crazy, I see that plainly
You waited on pins for me
But needles never ever love...


_______________________________________________

That was from a song I was listening to, and yes I have put it up before.

Lets see....

Hung out with Kristi today, and also becky, and I might see becky later to watch the onion movie... which is gonna be awesome.
Um went and saw Obama last night... three hours of waiting in a line walking around st paul... 19 thousand inside, 16 thousand turned away...
We made it in for a 20 minute speech that wasnt that great.
___________________________________________________

I have all these books to read and havent yet. too much solitaire.
I wish I had something real to write about but I already spoke all the things I wanted to say, and now it just seems like repeat.
I need to get out more. I have all this time and dont do anything with it.

I am going to be taking care of James and Julies cat who's name is Thursday.
I should probably not keep the note with their address next to the keys... in the car.
I am not going to let all their shit get stolen.
Thats a goal damnit.

4 seasons

I've thought about it and I've brought it out.

I rewatched gangs of new york for the first time since i saw it in the theater. I'm still sort of amazed by it, and still sort of disgusted by it. I think the end is really hard for me because its such a true thing. These people spend their lives grabbing for anything, and in the end all their struggles amount to nothing and they are forgotten. I know that that is the way of the world and history, but I guess there is something about america.... where its just not supposed to happen that way.

Despite everything being ok again, despite having exciting opportunities just over the horizon, tonight I am lonely, not true nostalgia but certainly a sort of longing.
I spend my life sort of believing that the pieces will fall together at the right times. I think everything I have seen sort of points in that direction.

but waiting is not a fun thing.

So in other news... what should I teach this summer? -i think im leaning towards religions...

And also... tomorrow I might go see Mr. Obama declare victory for the democratic nomination at the excel center.

someones saying goodbye everytime she says hello

This kind of made me cry today.

Things are better.

Also did you know The Dude is a real guy?

I went to the book store and got three books for teaching tools... im a tool... im gonna spend half my salary on shit for the class.

you gonna get a crook in your neck lookin at me sideways

I cant sleep again. I used to be like this all the time. At certain points in my life you could blame it on the the gallons of caffeine I was drinking. At other times you could blame it on the completely different sleep patterns... and some of that is the case right now. But I don't want to be awake and I am. And I'm over thinking everything.

all that I need, look at all the love we found

I paid 39.50$ today for a tank of gas, I took a picture.
I'm debating getting food right now, its 2:11... I wish someone wanted to go to Perkins.
Good chat with Illy today.
Me and Emily related on being completely crap lately(read not doing anything).
I decided I need to get more massages.
Illy thinks I need a lady friend.
I may either be babysitting my brother's cat, or going to Rochester in a few days, apparently I might also be going to Milwaukee.
I wish I could have a cat.
I need my own place to be alone at.
I don't sleep unclothed nearly enough.
Its no nice, I wanna hear the same song twice.

more crap

I think one of the things I was trying to mention, is that I get really overly honest when I'm frustrated. With myself or others.
Thats what I meant by being frustrated brings out more frustration... its harder to ignore all the little things when you are upset.
This is how all my relationships have always been...build up build up build up explode... how about you?

I'm not saying I have that much built up. I'm just more aware of a desire to be honest with people right now... to tell them what I really think, or why I act a certain way around them, or how others react to them. And its not just people I'm frustrated with. Its like everyone... hey everyone! Heres a piece of my mind. you know?
and another reason not to trust me...
when I'm patient, I'm less honest, when I'm frustrated, I have been brutal.

The thing is.... I'm rarely frustrated so its not usually a problem. This comes up like 3-4 times a year for me... more often about myself than others.

its 5:00 AM and practically bright out.

What do I want to say right now?

These songs just reminded me of Nikki.
When Nikki and I broke up so long ago I made a number of mistakes. I jabbed with truth, but it stung her like wrath and unjustified revenge. It was all online, it was passionate and awful.

But she got me into this cd. Counting Crows, all my lady friends have introduced me to good music. I remember being so young and surprisingly innocent even though I felt guiltier then -than I do now for my past. I've had time to make up for things, including the way I struck out at her.

Each memory and bit of knowledge was a curse and a sign to me of impending doom, and my caring (to me) meant protecting her from herself. And even more, protecting all of them from her. What a curse it was to me to know that someone I had trusted would take all that support and use it to cripple another. I'd seen it in others, in friends, in acquaintances. It was around that same time that I was neglecting my duties with pete, and when I confronted I confronted without confidence, but all the same I knew it was right.

I say this shit because there are times when I say something, and it may be wrong, but if it comes from a place of concern and caring... is it wrong?

Some of them admit that I wasn't out of line later. Most of em end up rejecting me. Its sort of funny in the really not funny at all category... how self assure we are when we head into our mistakes (all of us). Some of us just assume we will make them, so we try to warn others. Some of us don't believe we even have that power, so we are taken aback when someone says something.

but those are the people we can trust right? The ones who say something.

A few years ago my mom told me about someone she knew, their son had gone out drinking, his first time, he was underage. He wasn't even drunk; he hit a car and killed a family. He wanted badly to do whatever he could to make up for it. But he couldn't, ever.

Several of my friends are drug/alcohol addicts. I tend to be supportive of them, even when they are clearly hurting themselves, even though its against my rules (rule number one says dont hurt yourself, rule number two says dont hurt others... rule number two seems to be more important). I do say things sometimes... they know how I feel, so they avoid me when they want to act this way. That’s not the way I want it. I tell them I can drive them, I can stay sober if they want to be silly. But the moment they start seeing themselves and their fun as more important than the lives of others, they cross a line to me. It’s the same line, only a bit more dangerous and irresponsible as the other rule... the you don't hurt others rule. I been in that situation before, where I thought, yeah I could drive, it might even be fun.

I wish I could say that I was bold and strong enough to cut myself off from people with this type of behavior. But I know we all make mistakes... still if you look at who I trust, who I'm close to, it’s not those who risk others lives. It’s even hard for me to trust them when they have clearly changed, not so much to trust that they have changed, but to trust that they are not capable of doing the same or a different thing again, it’s nearly impossible.

Don’t make unhealthy behavior a habit. It makes you unreliable.

And of course keep me honest to this.

arghh

I hate how when you are frustrated with someone everything else that you are frustrated with comes up too.