Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Those are some kids I hang with....
fucking freaks. hehehe
It’s really hard to do busy work when u have already finished your finals and shit...

tomorrow is painting day... and drinking day I think-the last drinking day.... I hope I don’t throw up.


my room is half packed and half waiting to be packed = fucking mess


Kellogg’s corn pops have done me real good this last week.


I obviously don’t have anything real to say... just sort of scrambling for substance to avoid the homeworks...

******and now i will devolve into a 14 year old shallow obsessive son of a monkey******

Lately I have been feeling really bad about the way I look... and contemplating bad things. I know a lot of this has to do with shaving.... I think it makes my face look fatter when I don’t have facial hair to elongate it (spelling?) Makes me wish I had had braces to fix my overbite to fix my jaw, so that my jaw line is more defined...
but I also know I was complaining about this before I shaved... so maybe I’m just being very critical lately...

It really bothers me how I have such different standards for myself than others.... for instance I tend to be more worried about skinny girls than attracted to them... and skinny boys are equally sort of offturning... but somehow when i was very young I got it into my head that that’s what I should look like.... so when I look at people like Jared and huck (second picture) who are both above 6 feet and weigh less than me... I tend to be very self conscious... I don’t think most people notice... even wearing t shirts...ughhh I get to complain about this because it’s my blog by the way... so u can’t complain.

I usually don’t even notice the features that I criticize in myself in others... I realized that a few days ago... I don’t look at them and see the things I see in the mirror... so I imagine they don’t see me that way.... but it saddens me greatly to think that any of them would feel like I do about myself...because I’m constantly sort of adoring them..(one of like three reasons for all the pictures)...
now one could say these things do not matter and I do... I constantly say they do not matter... but I was thinking that I wouldn’t "dress up" for interviews and do the whole suit and tie thing... but then I saw all the boys I would be up against, dresses sharp in their fancy black suits and thought about how I would look in comparison... and well.... I don’t know if I will get these jobs without a suit, a haircut, a workout routine.
and that depresses me greatly.

Oh world... you sure do have a way of beating down those who dig you.
****
on a happy sad note....
tonight it hit me that I wouldn’t be here much longer, and I was overwhelmed with that sense of loss... and I’m glad because that’s important, and I really loved college, at least the social aspect.


****
On a sidenote the person I was thinking of the other day wrote me... and that made me happy... I dont know if she read this and knew... but either way that sort of made my day.