I had 2 lines of a poem in my head and couldnt remembed the rest, the two lines
"from a most complex and voiding center.
But like I said its spilling out:"
odd lines...
Im starting to wonder if my standards are too high. I have met all these wonderful women in the past 8 months or so... and i havent been interested in any of them romantically... though they are all very amazing... i dont know whats up with me.
then its hard, because i have had several partners in singleness who have found people to hook up with, regardless of whether they were searching or not. which makes a brother feel... passed over... left out... but i cant really do anything about it if it is my own damn fault right?
how can i feel bad if its my own choices/feelings/adjustment to things...
anyway, illy's mom asked me if i was happy, and the truth is that I am, so i shouldnt feel like im missing out on anything...
but another part of me feels like i always need a partner to do things well... regardless of whether its romantic or not... and my partners are all finding partners of their own.
anywho... you enjoy the single rants of this single boy... i will stop blahing about it hopefully.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
So if I havent mentioned it, you should buy and watch all the episodes of the west wing. its simply one of the best shows ever written, or acted. It inspires, its intelligent, heartfelt, courageous... I tear up during many episodes because they tackle things that are important... even in episodes where they arent dealing with big picture politics... but real personal relationships.
but those ones where they take on the real big questions... well those get me the most... how is it possible to see the leaders we want on tv and movies, but never in our real govt?
How is it possible that everyday we know what we should do, but choose the wrong path?
but those ones where they take on the real big questions... well those get me the most... how is it possible to see the leaders we want on tv and movies, but never in our real govt?
How is it possible that everyday we know what we should do, but choose the wrong path?
Sunday, July 29, 2007
False Teachings
I overhear a would be teacher speak in subtly off tones of soothing,
talk like hes trying to smooth over bumps in his own and maybe her personalities. ignore the flaws. be genuine by rejecting the insecurities, oh god I wish it were new to me.
but I done played the role too many times not to be disgusted -hes holding on in that casual "Im at your level because I choose to lower myself to you" and shes so taken aback by the attention -of someone, anyone who would do so with out mention..
-what a player.
What a fool, you wish to be a mentor, a friend? stop your pretenses,
genuinely you believe yourself to be her savior... and she
she needs to seek a teacher within her.
You and I, we bullshit trying to preach with our false wisdom,
but really... we dont deserve them
and each time we prove it.
I overhear a would be teacher speak in subtly off tones of soothing,
talk like hes trying to smooth over bumps in his own and maybe her personalities. ignore the flaws. be genuine by rejecting the insecurities, oh god I wish it were new to me.
but I done played the role too many times not to be disgusted -hes holding on in that casual "Im at your level because I choose to lower myself to you" and shes so taken aback by the attention -of someone, anyone who would do so with out mention..
-what a player.
What a fool, you wish to be a mentor, a friend? stop your pretenses,
genuinely you believe yourself to be her savior... and she
she needs to seek a teacher within her.
You and I, we bullshit trying to preach with our false wisdom,
but really... we dont deserve them
and each time we prove it.
The San Franciscan (Dunn Brothers 2050)
The San Franciscan was an old Brute, Happy,
but far past his time,
so they kept him around midstore -as a sort of monument.
The Customers couldn't enter without seeing him but sadly,
they usually avoided his gaze,
eyes past or to the side,
and so his happy smile and red coat was usually
wasted.
A sign hung above his head,
that read:
"Roasted Fresh Daily! ...Right here."
loud and clear,
-but maybe not as loud as those Walmart signs above the other old time greeters working the Superstores
on the other side of town.
The San Franciscan -ready to roast
boasting only the best
he use to put the others to rest -to shame
but now he sits lame in a coffee shop uptown
as young baristlings scramble
to handle
the new and improved machines
and the free flowing customers
yuppies and hustlers
salesmen and artists
and the saddest part is...
he use to make a damn good cup of joe.
The San Franciscan was an old Brute, Happy,
but far past his time,
so they kept him around midstore -as a sort of monument.
The Customers couldn't enter without seeing him but sadly,
they usually avoided his gaze,
eyes past or to the side,
and so his happy smile and red coat was usually
wasted.
A sign hung above his head,
that read:
"Roasted Fresh Daily! ...Right here."
loud and clear,
-but maybe not as loud as those Walmart signs above the other old time greeters working the Superstores
on the other side of town.
The San Franciscan -ready to roast
boasting only the best
he use to put the others to rest -to shame
but now he sits lame in a coffee shop uptown
as young baristlings scramble
to handle
the new and improved machines
and the free flowing customers
yuppies and hustlers
salesmen and artists
and the saddest part is...
he use to make a damn good cup of joe.
What do you do when you dont want to do something but you dont really have any good excuses?
the situation is, I just finished my job, and they need a teacher or something for summer bible school at the church, 1 week, working with younglings, not a big deal... but I just dont want to do it.... still its kind of hard to say no.
Last night I saw the simpsons movie... and the spider pig bit is muy beuno.
good times
then checked out Dunn brothers where I hung with Illy and wrote some stuff... (which will probably be on here shortly)
and then basically hung out with Athena until 4ish... becoming friends with a new beautiful person.
I woke to having missed 5 calls.
will be headed to a play later...
valleyfair got moved to wednesday.
You enjoy yourself.
the situation is, I just finished my job, and they need a teacher or something for summer bible school at the church, 1 week, working with younglings, not a big deal... but I just dont want to do it.... still its kind of hard to say no.
Last night I saw the simpsons movie... and the spider pig bit is muy beuno.
good times
then checked out Dunn brothers where I hung with Illy and wrote some stuff... (which will probably be on here shortly)
and then basically hung out with Athena until 4ish... becoming friends with a new beautiful person.
I woke to having missed 5 calls.
will be headed to a play later...
valleyfair got moved to wednesday.
You enjoy yourself.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Well I was attempting to put up some pictures of art my students made, bt blogger is being a douche.
Im really enjoying this new cd by the hold steady, i was looking for some old lifter puller (lftr pllr?) stuff and cheapo didnt have any... but this is good too... and I got a cd by buck 65 which is pretty sweet... and my new mel gibson and the pants cd just arrived today and I havent even had a chance to listen to it.
Headed to the show tonight.
Um miss, if you want to talk about more than your cat all you have to do is talk about more than your cat... fair enough right?
for instance, try bizarre words that will eventually lead people to your blog... like how google sent some one my way after they looked up "grandmamas erotica" thats just funny... I dont have a problem with their search (lord knows i cant judge and have seen plenty worse) more just that it lead them to me somehow....
I watched this movie this afternoon called "peaceful warrior" and it reminded me that I need to read some more eastern philosphy stuff... and tell becky about it before she goes...
I sometimes wonder how im doing in life, and then i run down a checklist like:
*do you enjoy the moment =well sometimes...
*do you fear stuff and let it hold you back =yeah, but not always...
*do you love, question irrational emotions, and seek peaceful solutions =yeah
*do you seek out positivity =yeah
*do you let the past and future get in the way of the present =sometimes
*do you worry to the point of distraction =yeah
etc etc
but the real nice part is...
do you do these negative things more or less than you use to?
and the answer is easily much less
do you do these positive things more or less than you use to?
oh much more.
So its a nice little checklist... its nice to know too that when im down, i dont get too freaked out about it anymore... of course I will probably prove myself wrong within moments... but thats ok... cuz why kick yourself, when really its time to get up and keep going...
one of the things the movie was saying... was that you will never be better or worse than anyone else... and I like to think I believe that, but I do find myself judging people when I dont feel like they are pushing themselves in a direction that betters them.. I think thats something I shouldnt cut slack for, but should certainly understand that there are different paths to enlightenment. and to that extent... im happy, headed lovingly toward something friendly.
what more could one ask for?
I often worry that love will be ripped from me... but really has it ever been?
and death, oh death I worry for your presence... but remind me death when you happen to visit, that transition and change doesnt mean loss, doesnt mean no more... but rather new opportunities to fine tune relationships, to learn, and love some more... and be thankful for what has been given.
....This is where the obligatory god is great, god is merciful would come in...
Thanks all.
Im really enjoying this new cd by the hold steady, i was looking for some old lifter puller (lftr pllr?) stuff and cheapo didnt have any... but this is good too... and I got a cd by buck 65 which is pretty sweet... and my new mel gibson and the pants cd just arrived today and I havent even had a chance to listen to it.
Headed to the show tonight.
Um miss, if you want to talk about more than your cat all you have to do is talk about more than your cat... fair enough right?
for instance, try bizarre words that will eventually lead people to your blog... like how google sent some one my way after they looked up "grandmamas erotica" thats just funny... I dont have a problem with their search (lord knows i cant judge and have seen plenty worse) more just that it lead them to me somehow....
I watched this movie this afternoon called "peaceful warrior" and it reminded me that I need to read some more eastern philosphy stuff... and tell becky about it before she goes...
I sometimes wonder how im doing in life, and then i run down a checklist like:
*do you enjoy the moment =well sometimes...
*do you fear stuff and let it hold you back =yeah, but not always...
*do you love, question irrational emotions, and seek peaceful solutions =yeah
*do you seek out positivity =yeah
*do you let the past and future get in the way of the present =sometimes
*do you worry to the point of distraction =yeah
etc etc
but the real nice part is...
do you do these negative things more or less than you use to?
and the answer is easily much less
do you do these positive things more or less than you use to?
oh much more.
So its a nice little checklist... its nice to know too that when im down, i dont get too freaked out about it anymore... of course I will probably prove myself wrong within moments... but thats ok... cuz why kick yourself, when really its time to get up and keep going...
one of the things the movie was saying... was that you will never be better or worse than anyone else... and I like to think I believe that, but I do find myself judging people when I dont feel like they are pushing themselves in a direction that betters them.. I think thats something I shouldnt cut slack for, but should certainly understand that there are different paths to enlightenment. and to that extent... im happy, headed lovingly toward something friendly.
what more could one ask for?
I often worry that love will be ripped from me... but really has it ever been?
and death, oh death I worry for your presence... but remind me death when you happen to visit, that transition and change doesnt mean loss, doesnt mean no more... but rather new opportunities to fine tune relationships, to learn, and love some more... and be thankful for what has been given.
....This is where the obligatory god is great, god is merciful would come in...
Thanks all.
"fallout" (a JF song off his third record) keeps coming on randomly on itunes... and i take things as a sign, but "fall(ing) out of love again" seems a little odd at this moment, not being in love and all.
Yesterday was my last day of work, and we didnt do much... so I chatted with the girls, and cleaned tables and what not. It seemed a rather abrupt ending to something but oh well.
Then I hung with Illy all afternoon and night. We talked about some interesting stuff, concepts etc... but I totally forgot what I wanted to write about.
Then I came home and watched Rocky balboa and fell asleep.... its aight and what not, but Im sort of more impressed that stallone can write and direct movies... he comes off as so brutish.... I know he has even done an impressive acting job in several films... but I just dont see it.
Im supposed to hang out with Laurel and Kat today... which should be very nice. Tonight is the humanboy with pleasure pause show... looking forward to that. and uh tomorrow maybe simpsons... and sunday maybe the complete works of WS abridged with rachel and alicia... and then maybe valley fair on monday.... so -so far no boredom.
I wish I could remember something interesting to talk about, but unlike those other bloggers... here you get unadulterated blah
Yesterday was my last day of work, and we didnt do much... so I chatted with the girls, and cleaned tables and what not. It seemed a rather abrupt ending to something but oh well.
Then I hung with Illy all afternoon and night. We talked about some interesting stuff, concepts etc... but I totally forgot what I wanted to write about.
Then I came home and watched Rocky balboa and fell asleep.... its aight and what not, but Im sort of more impressed that stallone can write and direct movies... he comes off as so brutish.... I know he has even done an impressive acting job in several films... but I just dont see it.
Im supposed to hang out with Laurel and Kat today... which should be very nice. Tonight is the humanboy with pleasure pause show... looking forward to that. and uh tomorrow maybe simpsons... and sunday maybe the complete works of WS abridged with rachel and alicia... and then maybe valley fair on monday.... so -so far no boredom.
I wish I could remember something interesting to talk about, but unlike those other bloggers... here you get unadulterated blah
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Last day of work. Then on to other things, like not waking up so damn early.
possible plans tonight include a skinny long feet concert or hanging at illy's for a bonfire.
an interesting encounter last night reveals some cats I used to look up to are playing together in a band and recording.
So apparently in order to make things like "baked goods" raw people, mash/compress the ingredients and then dehydrate them, making for one bad cookie according to melissa.
Im not sure how much sleep I got.
got a buck 65 cd with only 4 tracks... all of which are about 13-17 minutes long and made up of several different songs.
Uh so tomorrow there is a possibility of concert, and of going away party...
Im so ready for sleep. --> going to work.
possible plans tonight include a skinny long feet concert or hanging at illy's for a bonfire.
an interesting encounter last night reveals some cats I used to look up to are playing together in a band and recording.
So apparently in order to make things like "baked goods" raw people, mash/compress the ingredients and then dehydrate them, making for one bad cookie according to melissa.
Im not sure how much sleep I got.
got a buck 65 cd with only 4 tracks... all of which are about 13-17 minutes long and made up of several different songs.
Uh so tomorrow there is a possibility of concert, and of going away party...
Im so ready for sleep. --> going to work.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Last train out of Aberdeen
bound for new orleans
Lets see... 2 days left of the art assistanceness.... My teacher that im working with is having all these meetings and interviews after school so she cant get dirty... which means its all me... I think tomorrow Im gonna clean the room. We have been dying t shirts... the floor is a spectral swamp of dots and blotches in all your favorite reds yellows greens and blues.
I made 3 t shirts.... they didnt turn out exactly right... but they are aight.. One of my students decorated the back of one of them, that was nice... the girl had been fake taking credit for everything i did all summer... there are a number of running jokes around involving me.. like basically any time anything goes wrong it is blamed on me and everyone calls me different weird names.
It has been a really fun program... there is no doubt about that... i tend to laugh and smile a lot. I spose thats one thing I want in a classroom, something healthy.
I worry about my informality being a problem with hiring... but I also feel like i connect to the students more so than some of the other teachers... and I dont think thats wrong right?
I have some pictures of students, but I dont think it would be good to put them on here...
But here is some art from the summer.
this is made out of sand and glue... hence not a lot of details
a little water color
water color based on a painting i saw at Illy's
Scratch art
clay statue
bound for new orleans
Lets see... 2 days left of the art assistanceness.... My teacher that im working with is having all these meetings and interviews after school so she cant get dirty... which means its all me... I think tomorrow Im gonna clean the room. We have been dying t shirts... the floor is a spectral swamp of dots and blotches in all your favorite reds yellows greens and blues.
I made 3 t shirts.... they didnt turn out exactly right... but they are aight.. One of my students decorated the back of one of them, that was nice... the girl had been fake taking credit for everything i did all summer... there are a number of running jokes around involving me.. like basically any time anything goes wrong it is blamed on me and everyone calls me different weird names.
It has been a really fun program... there is no doubt about that... i tend to laugh and smile a lot. I spose thats one thing I want in a classroom, something healthy.
I worry about my informality being a problem with hiring... but I also feel like i connect to the students more so than some of the other teachers... and I dont think thats wrong right?
I have some pictures of students, but I dont think it would be good to put them on here...
But here is some art from the summer.
this is made out of sand and glue... hence not a lot of details
a little water color
water color based on a painting i saw at Illy's
Scratch art
clay statue
Monday, July 23, 2007
I know its creepy but i added a stat counter to see how many people actually show up to this site... a lot more foreigners than i would have thought. (welcome).
Apparently when u look up mugged and left naked my blog is the first to come up...
I have to go to work... actually im probably gonna be stuck in traffic...
just wanted to say hi
I miss you.
Apparently when u look up mugged and left naked my blog is the first to come up...
I have to go to work... actually im probably gonna be stuck in traffic...
just wanted to say hi
I miss you.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
an older poem that I think I finally finished...
Confessions from the Cyclical Cyclone
We must confess
We’re so loyal to oil we support wars we don’t believe in
Killing and maiming while claiming to free them
And my reply comes shining like some sort of liberal beacon
Drawing and waving signs like “love and peace man”
Imprinting them proudly on my face
arm
and chest
would have saved more lives buying bullet proof vests
but did I invest?
no, I flee from the west
hoping to find my peace in the east.
I must confess
sometimes I get stopped at the door,
Confused and slightly distressed
when Instead of pushing, I pull it
And I know a lot of you got confused
with Bush and his bull shit
but the real world spins in cycles
just like a top
more like the revolving door
and when it starts it don’t stop
so a bomb we drop
on one side spreads
the panic and fear
and soon enough you know
we feel that destruction right here
the cycle spins
We drop the bombs saying,
We must kill them before they kill us.
But each bomb splinters families
And causes kids to want to cause a fuss
The cycle spins
Old men who’s lives destroyed by our bombs
learn to want nothing but revenge.
and when they strap explosives to their chests,
we prepare to avenge.
The cycle spins
we say their people can go to hell
for what they did to us on 9/11
but we have sent 50 times as many
innocent Iraqi casualties to heaven
The cycle spins
We must confess
We lost our patience and
jumped upon perceived foes,
our frustration never satisfied,
and for some in fact it grows
as our leaders corrupt with power,
replace each enemy with another
manufacturing our consent
with fear of “the other.”
The other cant learn to turn her cheek
Its burned or depleted through starvation
And still we claim its only justice
When we launch invasions into
the homes of foreign nations.
Confessions from the Cyclical Cyclone
We must confess
We’re so loyal to oil we support wars we don’t believe in
Killing and maiming while claiming to free them
And my reply comes shining like some sort of liberal beacon
Drawing and waving signs like “love and peace man”
Imprinting them proudly on my face
arm
and chest
would have saved more lives buying bullet proof vests
but did I invest?
no, I flee from the west
hoping to find my peace in the east.
I must confess
sometimes I get stopped at the door,
Confused and slightly distressed
when Instead of pushing, I pull it
And I know a lot of you got confused
with Bush and his bull shit
but the real world spins in cycles
just like a top
more like the revolving door
and when it starts it don’t stop
so a bomb we drop
on one side spreads
the panic and fear
and soon enough you know
we feel that destruction right here
the cycle spins
We drop the bombs saying,
We must kill them before they kill us.
But each bomb splinters families
And causes kids to want to cause a fuss
The cycle spins
Old men who’s lives destroyed by our bombs
learn to want nothing but revenge.
and when they strap explosives to their chests,
we prepare to avenge.
The cycle spins
we say their people can go to hell
for what they did to us on 9/11
but we have sent 50 times as many
innocent Iraqi casualties to heaven
The cycle spins
We must confess
We lost our patience and
jumped upon perceived foes,
our frustration never satisfied,
and for some in fact it grows
as our leaders corrupt with power,
replace each enemy with another
manufacturing our consent
with fear of “the other.”
The other cant learn to turn her cheek
Its burned or depleted through starvation
And still we claim its only justice
When we launch invasions into
the homes of foreign nations.
a new poem on the poetry page.... im working on some things... here are some excerpts:
* a poem on jihad and nationalistic war
"I’m the one who sent horror upon your spacious skies,
And left your amber weighs of gold buried beneath the rubble.
Stained your purple mountains red with blood so you could empathize
with the masses we see, scared walking the streets of Kabul,
of Baghdad, of Jerusalem, Beirut, and all our Holy Land."
* a poem called preaching from the confessional booth (about ministers who molest)
*a poem that describes how really hard topics are often joked about... (or maybe within a larger poem)
* a confession poem thats has lines similar to this (probably be edited later)
"So if you’re looking through that key hole
then you’re looking right through me
and Im sorry for the painful confusion I caused
by ever letting you think you really knew me. "
* and a poem that has something like this in it.
"I slip you on like how a princess trips on slippers or an alki slips on liquor,
trips and splinters, disintegrates into mess,
but that’s just the first test, wont be the worst test. "
* a poem on jihad and nationalistic war
"I’m the one who sent horror upon your spacious skies,
And left your amber weighs of gold buried beneath the rubble.
Stained your purple mountains red with blood so you could empathize
with the masses we see, scared walking the streets of Kabul,
of Baghdad, of Jerusalem, Beirut, and all our Holy Land."
* a poem called preaching from the confessional booth (about ministers who molest)
*a poem that describes how really hard topics are often joked about... (or maybe within a larger poem)
* a confession poem thats has lines similar to this (probably be edited later)
"So if you’re looking through that key hole
then you’re looking right through me
and Im sorry for the painful confusion I caused
by ever letting you think you really knew me. "
* and a poem that has something like this in it.
"I slip you on like how a princess trips on slippers or an alki slips on liquor,
trips and splinters, disintegrates into mess,
but that’s just the first test, wont be the worst test. "
Friday, July 20, 2007
Uh a few things because in the summer people dont blog as much... and that is a sad truth that i hope to change.... some day.
I should probably more Clash cds... I always enjoy them...
Reading stories online, and listening to short stories performed that Kat sent me makes me wish I was a better writer, makes me wish I took things like grammar more seriously... simply wonderful stuff.
I get worse as a I bowl more...
I push people to drink when they shouldnt.
I enjoy talking to Illy a lot... probably too much. Im getting the impression she does too.... none of this is new.... but we have fallen back in to a rhythm that could be bad when i leave for morris.
I tend to think I have good tastes in music... but maybe I just choose the obvious...
I think one of the things I enjoy about hip hop, is that it is often more direct than rock music (lyrically)... it is one or two people talking directly to the audience... on rock cds, the first song isnt a welcome (with the exception of 311) there isnt a song that goes over the history of the artist... the lyrics on rock cds dont come out and say "this is me" they describe a situation at best... im not saying there isnt a place for rock lyrics... or more music based stuff... im saying I love that there is a genre that is speaking right to the audience... and genres that do other things.
I really need a girlfriend for those days when i got nothin better to do... then i can sing that bare jr song... "nothin' better to do"
on some days I really wanna be an artist of some sort... a stage man
I should probably more Clash cds... I always enjoy them...
Reading stories online, and listening to short stories performed that Kat sent me makes me wish I was a better writer, makes me wish I took things like grammar more seriously... simply wonderful stuff.
I get worse as a I bowl more...
I push people to drink when they shouldnt.
I enjoy talking to Illy a lot... probably too much. Im getting the impression she does too.... none of this is new.... but we have fallen back in to a rhythm that could be bad when i leave for morris.
I tend to think I have good tastes in music... but maybe I just choose the obvious...
I think one of the things I enjoy about hip hop, is that it is often more direct than rock music (lyrically)... it is one or two people talking directly to the audience... on rock cds, the first song isnt a welcome (with the exception of 311) there isnt a song that goes over the history of the artist... the lyrics on rock cds dont come out and say "this is me" they describe a situation at best... im not saying there isnt a place for rock lyrics... or more music based stuff... im saying I love that there is a genre that is speaking right to the audience... and genres that do other things.
I really need a girlfriend for those days when i got nothin better to do... then i can sing that bare jr song... "nothin' better to do"
on some days I really wanna be an artist of some sort... a stage man
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Oh man... I always have so many thoughts and forget them.
Im sorry If I dont have conversations enough with you, I think that tends to get cut short when Im having actual conversations... or not remembering ideas... so fairly often when Im in my room.
I just watched Before Sunset... which is the sequel to a movie I only saw once but loved called Before Sunrise... and I loved this one too. I guess the way the movies are, is pretty much how some of the most important events of my life have been... so it really is sort of beautiful, and I love the fluidity, the real time conversations etc. anyway...
So this weekend I went out to fargo which is far closer than I thought it was, and had a great time visiting my friend Kat. It was her birthday and we went and got pierced... and she had a party, and some kitties and good conversation till the late night and it was all muy beuno...
HMMMM some thoughts... God my mind is a total blank right now, i think its the heat. tomorrow Im going to work a little early because i have to drive the girls again... a co worker's daughter is getting married today and I think he might be taking tomorrow off or something.
Man I really had so many thoughts to convey before... but now i cant remember them. I am sorry.
I guess -more later?
peace and love
Im sorry If I dont have conversations enough with you, I think that tends to get cut short when Im having actual conversations... or not remembering ideas... so fairly often when Im in my room.
I just watched Before Sunset... which is the sequel to a movie I only saw once but loved called Before Sunrise... and I loved this one too. I guess the way the movies are, is pretty much how some of the most important events of my life have been... so it really is sort of beautiful, and I love the fluidity, the real time conversations etc. anyway...
So this weekend I went out to fargo which is far closer than I thought it was, and had a great time visiting my friend Kat. It was her birthday and we went and got pierced... and she had a party, and some kitties and good conversation till the late night and it was all muy beuno...
HMMMM some thoughts... God my mind is a total blank right now, i think its the heat. tomorrow Im going to work a little early because i have to drive the girls again... a co worker's daughter is getting married today and I think he might be taking tomorrow off or something.
Man I really had so many thoughts to convey before... but now i cant remember them. I am sorry.
I guess -more later?
peace and love
Friday, July 13, 2007
It was a birthday party, crowded street, petes old street right in front of his old house. Only the lawn looked different because pits had been dug, so that things could be put in them, like the pit of doom... a crocodile and various scorpions and things... and illy had one on her, and picked it up with her fingers and showed it to me, and i was freaking out and told her to throw it back... but everyone thought it was funny to have the horrible creatures crawling everywhere.
The street was filled with relatives, I think it was pete's b day, but they were certainly his relatives... not ones i know... just old people smiling and waving and having a good time... and young children playing with the scorpions and what not... and me and maggie carlson (one of my first female friends-from preschool) were dancing with them... and though i came late, all my girls i had ever been friends with (that pete had been friends with) were sort of gathered, and I went through hugging them, cuz it had been so long, and I kissed Gabi on the cheek.. and told her I missed her.
It got dark quick... and pete was on a sort of couch... Kiera passed out on a mattress laying in front of him. Pete was playing guitar, a song I didnt really know... but seemed vaguely familiar... and I started singing along... cuz the words were on boards, that could be rotated to tell you the next verse... they were on som mechanical device, a strange light up sign... that pointed the way to various events and things at the party... one said "teenage mutant ninja turtles area" or something...
we were singing along, pete had never been so in tune. He started singing harmonies, after showing me how to sing the regular verse... and mike foulkes joined in... though he was drunk.
I felt odd not knowing the words... and they started making them up... but we sang at the top of our lungs... and the party seemed to not care.
It was really beautiful...
when I woke, a song I didnt recognize was playing on itunes... and it was the song we were singing, but with different words...
all week i been trying to remember my dreams... all of a sudden I remember like three... they often have to do with shopping at strange stores... as if we are all on a trip... or being at strange places, like small hillside towns... where you have to walk up and down hills to get to the stores u need to get to... where I dont quite know the way around... but we are trying to get supplies and things... to each his own in each new place.... in fact i often am alone in these dreams... sort of pursuing my own agenda... while trying to keep others organized... trying to make sure they have what they need, or fulfilling their needs on the side... (like getting the item everyone will need, but no one remembers)... its weird that shopping is in so many...
I remember in one I was trying to get alcohol, but all the stores either sucked or were closed... so I just kept walking around the same 3 or 4 buildings hoping something would suddenly come up.
The street was filled with relatives, I think it was pete's b day, but they were certainly his relatives... not ones i know... just old people smiling and waving and having a good time... and young children playing with the scorpions and what not... and me and maggie carlson (one of my first female friends-from preschool) were dancing with them... and though i came late, all my girls i had ever been friends with (that pete had been friends with) were sort of gathered, and I went through hugging them, cuz it had been so long, and I kissed Gabi on the cheek.. and told her I missed her.
It got dark quick... and pete was on a sort of couch... Kiera passed out on a mattress laying in front of him. Pete was playing guitar, a song I didnt really know... but seemed vaguely familiar... and I started singing along... cuz the words were on boards, that could be rotated to tell you the next verse... they were on som mechanical device, a strange light up sign... that pointed the way to various events and things at the party... one said "teenage mutant ninja turtles area" or something...
we were singing along, pete had never been so in tune. He started singing harmonies, after showing me how to sing the regular verse... and mike foulkes joined in... though he was drunk.
I felt odd not knowing the words... and they started making them up... but we sang at the top of our lungs... and the party seemed to not care.
It was really beautiful...
when I woke, a song I didnt recognize was playing on itunes... and it was the song we were singing, but with different words...
all week i been trying to remember my dreams... all of a sudden I remember like three... they often have to do with shopping at strange stores... as if we are all on a trip... or being at strange places, like small hillside towns... where you have to walk up and down hills to get to the stores u need to get to... where I dont quite know the way around... but we are trying to get supplies and things... to each his own in each new place.... in fact i often am alone in these dreams... sort of pursuing my own agenda... while trying to keep others organized... trying to make sure they have what they need, or fulfilling their needs on the side... (like getting the item everyone will need, but no one remembers)... its weird that shopping is in so many...
I remember in one I was trying to get alcohol, but all the stores either sucked or were closed... so I just kept walking around the same 3 or 4 buildings hoping something would suddenly come up.
Wellllllllllllllllll
thats a deep dark hole..
any who....
Um I spose an update before I leave for the weekend? Im headed to fargo area... to see Kat, for a couple days... its her birthday, im gonna crash in and be a monkey and then leave... im still sort of wondering what i should get her for a present... i dont think I know her well enough to make it special. she probably reads this occasionally and i should probably erase this... but no.
Anywho.
Work has been going well... only 2 weeks left, and Im sort of sad that I will be happy when its done... I dont really know why... I think part of it is because it isnt my class, my lectures, my projects my whatever... I mean I certainly do some teaching but its not a place that Im entirely comfortable, and im not sure I could be at this point.
I work with some great people, many of them are quite funny, and I enjoy that aspect of it. I have some amazing students... some who are talented in art ways... but mostly just really cool cats. I like them, I would even be tempted to be friends with several of them -if they werent so young.
Um yesterday one asked the difference between republicans and democrats.... I said there are a lot of differences, (but trying to be even handed) a lot of it came down to... republicans believe in individual rights, and individual responsibility, they think the govt should stay out of their lives and their families, and think that everyone should make it on their own, by working hard etc... democrats think all of that too, but feel that there are many people who need some help to get to a point where they can work hard on their own.... and that there are certain things the govt can help with, in ways that businesses cant help them with.
I said for a historical look. Republicans freed the slaves, the democrats gave them rights.
anyway...
I told Illy all this yesterday... but its really amazing to see how different the lives of people growing up in the same area are.... many of my students live within 20 minutes of eachother, but geographically and culturally they are in many ways worlds apart.
They have gone through a lot of terrible things, but its wonderful to see how strong they are. Its nice, sort of inspiring.
Most often though, I dont feel all that challenged in the job... I like having time to paint and what not... but there is definitely a lack of intellectual stimulation -and maybe that just means im in the wrong subject area, or not working hard enough.
one day that was quite challenging was tuesday. The normal teacher was out because her kid was in the hospital... and though I am not technically allowed to teach... we didnt have the budget for a sub.... so I lead, the extended day class (court ordered kids) and both classes of the mothers... and it worked out well in the end... but it was rather frustrating, and i could tell the students could see it in me, and i could see it in them...we were all a little pissy.
Im not sure I could do this type of work... It took me 20 minutes to get the extended day kids to write 2 sentences... (they like to blow off assignments).
Anywho... there are some matters at my work, that i cannot discuss... i hope I didnt cross any of those lines... I think it may be my best summer job ever... but still im sort of waiting for it to be done.
Hanging with Illy, has been sort of the highlight of my days lately.
Its nice to have a friend like that.
I went to see Knocked Up with Mel, yesterday, and she was real busy but managed to sneak it in... cuz shes nice to me. and i probably annoyed the hell out of her cuz i was laughing so much the whole movie... i thought it was great... and when the credits rolled we pointed out the musicians and what not... supa fun.
anywho... hopefully i will get to see some more people in the next few weeks... ashley is even tempting me with a trip to montana... (and honestly, I would enjoy the car ride just hanging out with her as much as seeing zach i think).
anywho...
peace and love to you.
thats a deep dark hole..
any who....
Um I spose an update before I leave for the weekend? Im headed to fargo area... to see Kat, for a couple days... its her birthday, im gonna crash in and be a monkey and then leave... im still sort of wondering what i should get her for a present... i dont think I know her well enough to make it special. she probably reads this occasionally and i should probably erase this... but no.
Anywho.
Work has been going well... only 2 weeks left, and Im sort of sad that I will be happy when its done... I dont really know why... I think part of it is because it isnt my class, my lectures, my projects my whatever... I mean I certainly do some teaching but its not a place that Im entirely comfortable, and im not sure I could be at this point.
I work with some great people, many of them are quite funny, and I enjoy that aspect of it. I have some amazing students... some who are talented in art ways... but mostly just really cool cats. I like them, I would even be tempted to be friends with several of them -if they werent so young.
Um yesterday one asked the difference between republicans and democrats.... I said there are a lot of differences, (but trying to be even handed) a lot of it came down to... republicans believe in individual rights, and individual responsibility, they think the govt should stay out of their lives and their families, and think that everyone should make it on their own, by working hard etc... democrats think all of that too, but feel that there are many people who need some help to get to a point where they can work hard on their own.... and that there are certain things the govt can help with, in ways that businesses cant help them with.
I said for a historical look. Republicans freed the slaves, the democrats gave them rights.
anyway...
I told Illy all this yesterday... but its really amazing to see how different the lives of people growing up in the same area are.... many of my students live within 20 minutes of eachother, but geographically and culturally they are in many ways worlds apart.
They have gone through a lot of terrible things, but its wonderful to see how strong they are. Its nice, sort of inspiring.
Most often though, I dont feel all that challenged in the job... I like having time to paint and what not... but there is definitely a lack of intellectual stimulation -and maybe that just means im in the wrong subject area, or not working hard enough.
one day that was quite challenging was tuesday. The normal teacher was out because her kid was in the hospital... and though I am not technically allowed to teach... we didnt have the budget for a sub.... so I lead, the extended day class (court ordered kids) and both classes of the mothers... and it worked out well in the end... but it was rather frustrating, and i could tell the students could see it in me, and i could see it in them...we were all a little pissy.
Im not sure I could do this type of work... It took me 20 minutes to get the extended day kids to write 2 sentences... (they like to blow off assignments).
Anywho... there are some matters at my work, that i cannot discuss... i hope I didnt cross any of those lines... I think it may be my best summer job ever... but still im sort of waiting for it to be done.
Hanging with Illy, has been sort of the highlight of my days lately.
Its nice to have a friend like that.
I went to see Knocked Up with Mel, yesterday, and she was real busy but managed to sneak it in... cuz shes nice to me. and i probably annoyed the hell out of her cuz i was laughing so much the whole movie... i thought it was great... and when the credits rolled we pointed out the musicians and what not... supa fun.
anywho... hopefully i will get to see some more people in the next few weeks... ashley is even tempting me with a trip to montana... (and honestly, I would enjoy the car ride just hanging out with her as much as seeing zach i think).
anywho...
peace and love to you.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Im not sure Im going to all of these shows, but I have been nervous about missing something so I made a schedule... let me know if im missing something sweet, or have some info wrong.
A lot of these I wont be able to go to, due to being out of town, or schedule conflicts...
* = a show i am hopefully for sure going to.
JULY
13th :
Baker London (a band I saw in morris)
Kailyn Spencer's band (a girl I went to highschool with)
The Nightwatchman (tom morello's solo project)
14th:
Heuiruspecs (hip hop group from st paul)
15th:
Dark Dark Dark (Nona's ^kristin invie^ band)
18th:
Heuiruspecs
27th:
*Humanboy (fish's band, cd release party)
Dark Dark Dark
kailyn spencer's band
carnage and desdamona's cd release party (local hip hop/spoken word)
28th:
Carnage
31st:
*Sage Francis and brother Ali
AUGUST
1st:
Sage and Brother Ali
9th:
*Bela Fleck (bluegrass/jazz)
11th:
* 7 days remain
12th:
*311
Kailyn Spencer's band
13th:
Dark Dark Dark
17th:
Best Friends Forever
18th:
Best Friends Forever
Dark Dark Dark
21st:
Dark Dark Dark
Thats What I got for now... let me know if you are interested in going as well...
Um I did not include any shows that I wont be able to go to because school starts (so late august sept etc)
I really want to make it to as many dark dark dark shows as I can... it sort of sucks because I would really like to go to one of kailyn's shows because they sound really good, but Im not sure I can. I might be out of town this weekend so the 13-15 shows are a no go... i think.
A lot of these I wont be able to go to, due to being out of town, or schedule conflicts...
* = a show i am hopefully for sure going to.
JULY
13th :
Baker London (a band I saw in morris)
Kailyn Spencer's band (a girl I went to highschool with)
The Nightwatchman (tom morello's solo project)
14th:
Heuiruspecs (hip hop group from st paul)
15th:
Dark Dark Dark (Nona's ^kristin invie^ band)
18th:
Heuiruspecs
27th:
*Humanboy (fish's band, cd release party)
Dark Dark Dark
kailyn spencer's band
carnage and desdamona's cd release party (local hip hop/spoken word)
28th:
Carnage
31st:
*Sage Francis and brother Ali
AUGUST
1st:
Sage and Brother Ali
9th:
*Bela Fleck (bluegrass/jazz)
11th:
* 7 days remain
12th:
*311
Kailyn Spencer's band
13th:
Dark Dark Dark
17th:
Best Friends Forever
18th:
Best Friends Forever
Dark Dark Dark
21st:
Dark Dark Dark
Thats What I got for now... let me know if you are interested in going as well...
Um I did not include any shows that I wont be able to go to because school starts (so late august sept etc)
I really want to make it to as many dark dark dark shows as I can... it sort of sucks because I would really like to go to one of kailyn's shows because they sound really good, but Im not sure I can. I might be out of town this weekend so the 13-15 shows are a no go... i think.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
I was re-reading some of the older entries.... 2004-2005... i didnt write a lot then because it made becky uncomfy when i talked about her, and had a lot of people around to vent to... so then it was a lot of bs....
still is i suppose...
Im still amazed that I dreamt that me and becky were going to break up before it happened... i dont understand how that is possible... but i remember having that dream... being horribly uncomfortable and nervous for a few days and then hearing her on the phone... before she said anything I knew.. cuz sometimes its the spacing before the words... and I have always picked up on those horrible secrets that way.... she had moved on while I was in montana... and I hadnt prepared...
Its funny because for like weeks after, whenever I would tell people we were broken up I would include the dream... the dream was the reality, the conversation just the confirmation. I must have seemed sort of weird... I remember feeling so ungodly uncomfortable for those few months before I met Lex. I was just so unsure of who I was, complete loss of identity.
I didnt lose that with Lex... I clung to my personality, I overdid my personality, and even at my most depressed when i was hurt and angry, it was because I hated my personality and what could be done to it. such different break ups.
I think Lex gave too much... like I had... and when she talks about being more aware of herself now, I believe her because I feel like maybe we went through the same shit... both loving people or ideas of people who we needed to love us, but who in order to protect themselves, or to do the right thing for themselves had to let go, had to reestablish themselves. i know im talking in circles...
Im really thankful for all my experiances... such sorrow has led me to wonders of joy.... but it was really hard to watch others go through that too. Im scared for my kids... will I ever let them live?
"we use to want it, now we never want it back. We'll choose the gauntlet! We use to want it now we never want it back, we'll prove we're honest!"
~plastic constallations.... "Quixote" sort of fitting I think.
still is i suppose...
Im still amazed that I dreamt that me and becky were going to break up before it happened... i dont understand how that is possible... but i remember having that dream... being horribly uncomfortable and nervous for a few days and then hearing her on the phone... before she said anything I knew.. cuz sometimes its the spacing before the words... and I have always picked up on those horrible secrets that way.... she had moved on while I was in montana... and I hadnt prepared...
Its funny because for like weeks after, whenever I would tell people we were broken up I would include the dream... the dream was the reality, the conversation just the confirmation. I must have seemed sort of weird... I remember feeling so ungodly uncomfortable for those few months before I met Lex. I was just so unsure of who I was, complete loss of identity.
I didnt lose that with Lex... I clung to my personality, I overdid my personality, and even at my most depressed when i was hurt and angry, it was because I hated my personality and what could be done to it. such different break ups.
I think Lex gave too much... like I had... and when she talks about being more aware of herself now, I believe her because I feel like maybe we went through the same shit... both loving people or ideas of people who we needed to love us, but who in order to protect themselves, or to do the right thing for themselves had to let go, had to reestablish themselves. i know im talking in circles...
Im really thankful for all my experiances... such sorrow has led me to wonders of joy.... but it was really hard to watch others go through that too. Im scared for my kids... will I ever let them live?
"we use to want it, now we never want it back. We'll choose the gauntlet! We use to want it now we never want it back, we'll prove we're honest!"
~plastic constallations.... "Quixote" sort of fitting I think.
I did a new painting of a guitarist, but im not sure I like it... I guess the spacing isnt exactly right, so if you look at it from above it might look ok, but if you look at it normal, the guy's hand and arm look too small, or maybe his head looks too big. we shall see if i redo it.
I went and saw skinny long feet last night, below are some lyrics...
they have really put something together, even with a new bassist. The drummer has added new beats which work on a lot of the songs, maybe with the exception of shootin for the eight ball. which it seemed like abe changed the lyrics to.
but all in all it was really well done.
Im currently listening to some stuff chris degrood recorded one night and threw together, and hes a bit modest, it sounds pretty good.
anyway... might skip the brother ali show today and go to dinner and a movie with my brother.
got to see illy and lacey and tony m, and a whole bunch of cats i spose last night...
anyway life is beuno...
peace
Honeybee by Skinny Long Feet
“Gonna have me an orchard, with the sparrows on the top,
Gonna buy me a nice blind horse to ride,
I’ve got no axe to grind,
I’m a healthy man and I’m feeling it all the time.
What come along and stung me? It’s a honeybee,
The red that pounds from in my chest ah don’t it call to thee?
I’ll need flowers in my hand, if I ever plan to have a dance with a honeybee.
I would never get no work done,
on my orchard,
Without you around.
You’re bringing pollen in to every blossom,
That attracts you,
Heaven I want you around.
And I’m left waiting for the wind to bring you in, honey,
But I’ll tell you what I been thinking,
there you go again,
with your stinger.
And you leave me on a limb, I’ll be helpless and I’m fighting to breathe love.
I want to love you honeybee, and I would completely,
But you see I have got a bee sting allergy.
You understand what that means?
I would die if you touched me, if only.”
I went and saw skinny long feet last night, below are some lyrics...
they have really put something together, even with a new bassist. The drummer has added new beats which work on a lot of the songs, maybe with the exception of shootin for the eight ball. which it seemed like abe changed the lyrics to.
but all in all it was really well done.
Im currently listening to some stuff chris degrood recorded one night and threw together, and hes a bit modest, it sounds pretty good.
anyway... might skip the brother ali show today and go to dinner and a movie with my brother.
got to see illy and lacey and tony m, and a whole bunch of cats i spose last night...
anyway life is beuno...
peace
Honeybee by Skinny Long Feet
“Gonna have me an orchard, with the sparrows on the top,
Gonna buy me a nice blind horse to ride,
I’ve got no axe to grind,
I’m a healthy man and I’m feeling it all the time.
What come along and stung me? It’s a honeybee,
The red that pounds from in my chest ah don’t it call to thee?
I’ll need flowers in my hand, if I ever plan to have a dance with a honeybee.
I would never get no work done,
on my orchard,
Without you around.
You’re bringing pollen in to every blossom,
That attracts you,
Heaven I want you around.
And I’m left waiting for the wind to bring you in, honey,
But I’ll tell you what I been thinking,
there you go again,
with your stinger.
And you leave me on a limb, I’ll be helpless and I’m fighting to breathe love.
I want to love you honeybee, and I would completely,
But you see I have got a bee sting allergy.
You understand what that means?
I would die if you touched me, if only.”
Thursday, July 05, 2007
un update general.
Well I spose I just got back from CO like 2 days ago... Tonight I am sposed to be going to the Sage Francis concert with Becky, but she hasnt called... and Im a little worried she forgot. Morgan and Illy both showed interest in going as well.
Yesterday Morgan and Illy and I hung out, went to the nature center, took his pet iguana Jub Jub who took a dip in the lake, and seemed generally a happy shade of green... even though she was on a leash. Illy is a little jetlagged... either that or she has lost some memory. She just got home from several months in Israel. It was really nice to see her... felt sort of like home again.
Morgan is pretty much the guy I want to be sometimes, and it doesnt help that my mom thinks so too. Of course, morgan's mom loves me, even though she doesnt really know me.. she saw me perform a poem in like 7th grade and seems to have loved me since... i threw away that poem, and didnt invite my mom that night, so its gone forever.
He is a freelance graphic artist now... which is sweet.
We had a fun, end of the world conversation with illy's mom, she might be going through a midlife crisis, and really wants a tattoo.
ooh a good song just came on.... "Margin Walker" by Fugazi....
I dont know why I like this song so much, it sort of sounds like fugazi mixed with rancid.
Anyway...
I got back from CO... I seem to like Boulder more and more and I grow... in the same way that I feel like I might be more likely to actually live in uptown now... sort of growing in to my yuppiness... I hung with Pete and Kiera like the whole time... well I spose thats not entirely true... i also hung out with their friends...
highlights... Lauren's house in the moutains.... beautiful spacious.. lots of drunken fun.
the hot heat... it was like 75 but 7000 feet up thats a scorcher.
We saw sicko... which was awesome... and I fell in love with the woman sitting next to me (a stranger) just cuz of her eyes and smile and laugh.... and she was loud and awesome..
um lets see.... kiera's parents are awesome...
guitar hero
Colorado people are sort of weird socially, because they dont ask about your life, they just ask if you wanna do stuff with them... like "hey want to play soccer?" rather than "hey what do you do?"
I spent most of the weekend feeling rather selfconscious... as many of their friends are gorgeous and athletic and what not... and even though they eat bad food, drink way too much, smoke pot and drink energy drinks all the time, they generally were rather fit. I was rather.... crap next to them... and games that involve removal of clothes scare me... its a good thing i brought my towel.
my hair sucks right now.
I spose i need a girl friend. but havent met anyone. me and illy are in the same boat there. though maybe she doesnt need one.
anyway... um concert tonight, and saturday. and uh work on monday. and maybe some 3b stuff some time.
i forgot all the lyrics of the songs i wrote in the car... but got some good cds.
boulder seems smaller and smaller everytime i go. its about the size of slp i think but with 2.5 times the people.... i spose if u add the other towns its ok... but it is rather small.
Well I spose I just got back from CO like 2 days ago... Tonight I am sposed to be going to the Sage Francis concert with Becky, but she hasnt called... and Im a little worried she forgot. Morgan and Illy both showed interest in going as well.
Yesterday Morgan and Illy and I hung out, went to the nature center, took his pet iguana Jub Jub who took a dip in the lake, and seemed generally a happy shade of green... even though she was on a leash. Illy is a little jetlagged... either that or she has lost some memory. She just got home from several months in Israel. It was really nice to see her... felt sort of like home again.
Morgan is pretty much the guy I want to be sometimes, and it doesnt help that my mom thinks so too. Of course, morgan's mom loves me, even though she doesnt really know me.. she saw me perform a poem in like 7th grade and seems to have loved me since... i threw away that poem, and didnt invite my mom that night, so its gone forever.
He is a freelance graphic artist now... which is sweet.
We had a fun, end of the world conversation with illy's mom, she might be going through a midlife crisis, and really wants a tattoo.
ooh a good song just came on.... "Margin Walker" by Fugazi....
I dont know why I like this song so much, it sort of sounds like fugazi mixed with rancid.
Anyway...
I got back from CO... I seem to like Boulder more and more and I grow... in the same way that I feel like I might be more likely to actually live in uptown now... sort of growing in to my yuppiness... I hung with Pete and Kiera like the whole time... well I spose thats not entirely true... i also hung out with their friends...
highlights... Lauren's house in the moutains.... beautiful spacious.. lots of drunken fun.
the hot heat... it was like 75 but 7000 feet up thats a scorcher.
We saw sicko... which was awesome... and I fell in love with the woman sitting next to me (a stranger) just cuz of her eyes and smile and laugh.... and she was loud and awesome..
um lets see.... kiera's parents are awesome...
guitar hero
Colorado people are sort of weird socially, because they dont ask about your life, they just ask if you wanna do stuff with them... like "hey want to play soccer?" rather than "hey what do you do?"
I spent most of the weekend feeling rather selfconscious... as many of their friends are gorgeous and athletic and what not... and even though they eat bad food, drink way too much, smoke pot and drink energy drinks all the time, they generally were rather fit. I was rather.... crap next to them... and games that involve removal of clothes scare me... its a good thing i brought my towel.
my hair sucks right now.
I spose i need a girl friend. but havent met anyone. me and illy are in the same boat there. though maybe she doesnt need one.
anyway... um concert tonight, and saturday. and uh work on monday. and maybe some 3b stuff some time.
i forgot all the lyrics of the songs i wrote in the car... but got some good cds.
boulder seems smaller and smaller everytime i go. its about the size of slp i think but with 2.5 times the people.... i spose if u add the other towns its ok... but it is rather small.
