nearing on three.... didnt get everything done, but got the paper due manana... and will start on the reading for wednesday tonight....
i had some creative things to talk about but now im tired which is sad...
i guess tomorrow i will bring you an update worth reading (maybe) until then... hows this for ya...

Excerpts from Lynne Chnney's novel she claims has nothing to do with lesbianism 9to please her conservative constituents...

some song lyrics by fish, not phish

as always he glorifies weed.... but the song seems as much about smoking as it is about being yourself and looking outside the structure...

“They say that you’ll be just fine,
if you shut up,
and live your life in line, conform,
find a pretty mama to keep you warm… and be a drone,
do what we say,
be a whole lot less your own.

oh …mymymy…
we will grow and this you know,
someday we will have something to show
there’s a door and we know more,
in or out
what are you looking for?

we are the seed
we may smoke weed
there is no limit we cant exceed
they’ll tell you…
that knowledge is tall.
if what you see is all you see
you don’t see at all
and I sold you this
since then I think you’ve grown in to a little bit more… like your own

open your senses and ready for a taste
don’t you waste what you cant replace
and open your heart this is the start so please don’t forget the best part
open your eyes look at the view I might be right in front of you
open your ears cant you hear offering up to you my fears
open your mind you are the kind,
that we… sit and we smoke till we are,
just as devine as we were
open the cupboard and there’s nothing to eat, moneys well spent but you smoked your treat.”

The two or three literary works I have read by Barbara Ehrenreich have always stood out as being especially well written, well thought out, provocative etc.
I have also seen her comment on a few different political, social and economic studies, trends etc which is always a treat.

Anyway, I thought I would give you an excerpt from the end of Nickel and Dimed, a book I’m fairly sure I have two copies of and have never read fully, but enjoyed thoroughly both times I looked through (approx 3/4s read, at least one full reading)

Anyway this is the second to last paragraph of the book, the previous paragraph described the fact that since welfare to work programs are now fully implemented and still have not lessened poverty among the now “working-poor,” and may have actually made their situation worse, there is no excuse left from the wealthy, law makers, citizens of our democracy that can explain why we have a huge portion of the population living in poverty within the wealthiest nation in the world, except that we are being unfair.

Guilt, you may be thinking warily. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to feel? But guilt doesn’t go anywhere near far enough; the appropriate emotion is shame-shame at our own dependency, in this case, on the underpaid labor of others. When someone works for less pay than she can live on-when, for example, she goes hungry so that you can eat more cheaply and conveniently-then she has made a great sacrifice for you, she has made you a gift of some part of her abilities, her health, and her life. The “working poor,” as they are approvingly termed, are in fact the major philanthropists of our society. They neglect their own children so that the children of others will be cared for; they live in substandard housing so that other homes will be shiny and perfect; they endure privation so that inflation will be low and stock prices high. To be a member of the working poor is to be an anonymous donor, a nameless benefactor, to everyone else. As Gail, one of my restaurant coworkers put it, “you give and you give.”

Its funny that we live in a society where every day we make a portion of our citizens work to the detriment of their own lives, and the lives of their families, for the sake of our own (our meaning middle class and above). Yet some amongst us say it is unfair to ask/demand middle and upper class taxes(money only), “the burden is too great” we yell and grumble, while others in our own country with the same rights, and those around the world who should technically have the same rights suffer under our burden.
When rich people give up their money to charity we say they are especially deserving of praise, as if they didn’t make that money off the backs of others. If we are to live in a society where labor and other sacrifices are underpaid, should we not demand a system of tips, kickbacks or whatever… I mean if Bill Gates or any other millionaire, gives up half their wealth to charity isn’t it really just making up for the way they and their people have benefited off the backs of others through a faulty system designed to regulate things that way. Capitalism is a faulty position; it doesn’t work without the occasional redistribution. Thus why free market capitalism never works to the benefit of the people.

I didn’t get to the place I am without help, in fact I didn’t get here on my own at all, I was born here, far above (economically speaking) so many others. I didn’t do anything to deserve this, and hopefully won’t ever claim to be deserving of it…. I do feel guilty and ashamed for being part of this system, and though I clearly don’t do a whole lot to fight it, I think it’s important to keep talking about it… to remind yourself and others.

Wow is shit overwhelming right now... when i feel like this i write myself notes sometimes to convince myself its ok.... here goes.

John Frusciante has some depressing cds, one of the most depressing and still challenging in a hopeful way is The Will To Death
For a cd that talks about death on almost every track, and or a fall from grace, or feeling in a hole or whatever.... song names like "A Doubt" "time runs out" "loss" "Unchanging" "a loop" "wishing" "far away" "The days have turned" and "the will to death" ...a cd that often glorifies death as a release, as transcendence and yet still.... it starts with a song i have quoted on an away message "A Doubt" which ends with the lines "Lean in to walk, there's nothing missing from life." which is something i like to try to remind myself and others of...

In fact the whole cd talks about the processes that are so important to deal with, to think about, to feel and express. I am sad, I am lonely, I am stressed, hurt, betrayed, depressed, i am an asshole etc...

"The days have turned" -"when i feel ive got problems, how wrong I am"
in "A loop" he sings and later yells 16 times "I cant wait for life"
"wishing" ends with the words "now is the one time anything happens here"
"an exercise" "hey doubt, come on around any time, anyhow mistakes are what lead you through life, down and out's only if you think up and in's right.....and the only important moments, are the inbetween times, and being confused is an exercise"

"A doubt" "we all choose to live life, we confuse how with why."
and at the very end of the song he yells "and dont ever set a limit!"

so Mikey mike...
"Lean in to walk" - keep going, put yourself in to it. "Theres nothing missing from life." -its supposed to be this way, this hard, and why? because "you're (only) perfect (if) you fit snuggly right in the lie" ~"an exercise"

things are not supposed to be perfect, perfection is a lie, happiness is not always being happy, but knowing that when you are down it isnt forever, that there is some point to it. that life is about living and learning. live and learn!

more politics (I mean honestly its just that time of year, and yet everything is so connected to politics that its hard to separate.)

I'm reading this book called Economic Apartheid in America
which is an activist written text book for my Systems of Oppression class.
Basically it’s the most depressing thing in the world, because it points out over and over how things are getting worse rather than better. It keeps promising hope or at least tactics for the future in chapter 5, but I'm still struggling through chapter 3 which is about 70 pages of corruption, classism (as in prejudice against classes), the tactics against groups like environmentalists, unions and every day people, citizens, teachers even doctors and how they are getting screwed over and over. It also sheds some light on our overseas adjustments, as in, us adjusting those that are over seas to fit our needs. (one case, was Canada getting sued and having to pay reparations to an American company because they wanted to ban the company’s product because it possibly causes nerve damage... the parliament of Canada cant protect its own people, and has to pay money to a company that hurts it? ~NAFTA)
Not only that, but in an earlier chapter it brought up how social stratification and wealth stratification have empowered a few, while making most of the American populace able to have no say in their democratic process.
And of course the senators who take money, who are owned by their lobbyists or the corporations that back them. (as Delay and Abramoff recently made so apparent)

We have been taught to look at the 80s and 90s as a time when the US won. When Capitalism and Democracy flourished, defeated communism, the glory years the golden times of the United States of America, but if you look at it, 9/11 didn’t change things, they just brought it to our attention, this economic slump we faced (supposedly over now) was not because of the war on terror, but because we have allowed the wrong people to have all the power(money), the US has failed, we are on our way out. If things don’t change soon, for the better. a hundred years from now the 80s and 90s will be known as the American fall (or if they have some how risen above these problems) then the dark ages...

You watch or read V for Vendetta (written in the 80s), you read Vonnegut or Orwell, you no longer see it as a dark future, its the present, we are there.

Every few pages I have to stop, and tell myself there is hope, there is a way out. Every few pages it gets harder to see it.
I don’t believe in violent revolution. I just don’t, at the same time, I can’t see myself not getting swept up in something that promised real change, a glimmer of hope that these monkeys in politics today cant seem to fathom... Melissa my roommate said she is voting independent for governor, so are my rents (moms side) I cant stand Pawlenty so I’m going to vote for hatch, and yet even that goes against my beliefs. I start looking at the lesser of two evils for my hope, and end up in the same heap.... why are we doing this to ourselves? Why do we let them pass laws that strip us of our rights, our values, our freedoms, our opportunities, our hope?
The nation was founded on the principle that freedom is inherent, is undeniable, is sacred and that these things were self evident.
Our founding fathers knew that the only way for these things to “NOT BE TRUE”, is if we give them up ourselves, believe them to be false, believe that there is something more important, or simply don’t care. We make our America false in its name.
In the name of building a better world, we destroy the only one we have. (Corporations’ rights rather than citizen’s rights, no environmental protection, using up resources, man made famines, droughts, plagues; we are the four horsemen of the apocalypse)
In the name of Freedom we take away freedom. (War, terror, secret prisons, torture, wire tapping, no lawyers, enemy combatants? No free press to document it, censorship for security’s sake, secrets and lies! Secrets and lies! Secrets and lies! No habeas corpus!)
In the name of security we take away our security. (see above)
In the name of free market capitalism we take away the ability for you and I to get a job that provides us with income that allows us to spend freely.
(Wal-Mart lowers prices, by lowering wages, but no one can buy discounted goods without money!! Wal-mart being one example of the mass corporate attack against the working American public)
In the name of individual rights we take away your right to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness (no health insurance, no benefits, no good education for your kids, no opportunity for full time jobs, no protection, no freedom, no anything in America and soon the rest of the world!)
“No taxation without representation!” the reason for revolution and yet now we supposedly have it and have more problems then those greedy ass white slave owning bastards who started our government.
Still

If you tell me your taxes are too high, than give up your job, your electricity, your plumbing, your education, your streets, your firemen, your police, your “guaranteed” right to a lawyer, in fact give up the courts, the prisons, the hospitals, the parks, the air the water, the earth itself, give it up!!!! Because yes I would like to think that we could get by without it too! But the world you created doesn’t allow it, and that selfish thinking about your fucking tax money is part of what keeps it that way.
You struggle, you are behind on your bills, you cant afford insurance, a car, gas, food, education, etc etc etc….. these are your rights… demand them from your government!!!
But when they tell you they need to raise taxes to do it… understand and don’t ever ask for a tax break because every cent you get back, some rich asshole who has privatized his education/health/streets/house/plumbing/electricity/etc gets back a thousand dollars of money that could be going to your benefit. And yes its inefficient… its corrupt its scandalous… well work to solve that instead of asking for your money back… you do understand that the 30$ or 300$ you get back also cost you that much in inefficiency right? I think its funny the conservatives tell liberals “if you don’t like the country then leave!” well they are often the ones taking advantage of our big government spending, whether corporate hand outs, or the suburban road system that the new deal brought them. “You don’t like big government? Give it back or get out! You fucking hypocrites!” All I’m saying is you cant say “I was here first and I’m gonna shut the door to anyone new” because its abusive and ridiculous to say you made it on your own. You made it, and I made it because we were selfish, but we don’t have to be now that we are here. My education is paid for, and I will hopefully spend the rest of my life giving back trying to make our kids education better. I will give more than 40 hours a week with a meager salary to give back, I will give up opportunities to give others opportunities, I will enrich my community, and I will fight for the right of people rather than of person. Don’t tell me that its unfair that teachers have benefits while there are no text books in the classroom, buy the damn text books and invest in your future. Tax your corporations and tell them their future CEO needs to know the difference between real democracy and the bullshit we are trying to pass off as one right now.

A Round-about Sociopolitical Argument

The other day I was singing and writing songs in the car… like I do… I wrote one about road kill which is currently a poem on facebook…
Anyway. I was also thinking up a song on the supposed “liberal media”

The point of that song was more about how conservatives are in fact represented much more than they claim to be.
But here is the argument.

When liberals, feminists, sociologists etc, bring up things like social barriers to better paying jobs, education, standard of living, etc… conservatives tend to say that that is wrong.. That in America people can work hard and become whatever they want, so those who don’t make it are either “not good enough” (old argument) or “lazy” (newer argument)… well most of us know that isn’t true, but conservatives tend to think across the board that liberals own and are the main influence on the media… so assuming that they are right. What explains this phenomenon? Is it that conservatives are not attracted to audiovisual expression? The printed word?
Do they not like reading and writing, are they afraid of cameras and microphones?
No… none of these are true, they say that the media keeps conservatives out.

And yet these are the same people that say openly racist/sexist/homophobic/etc institutions and people in power don’t keep hard workers down.
Now I know this is silly, but what a wonderful double standard…

They disagree with affirmative action and yet they want a say and a job as the “minority” in the media. Meh… just one more thought on the hypocrisy…

apparently i wait a long time between posts now. i guess i havet known what to say. Take back the night went well. I realized how stressed i had been when i immediately passed out following the event.

Lex told me that she is moving to texas in a few months. Im not sure what that means, so its hard to write about.

Im currenly in Milwaukee visiting my brother. Im not sure i accomplished what i set out to do, but i think it has been good. Im worried about him. He is in a tough situation. spends a lot of time at home, not knowing what else to do. Hes on some meds now, one of which puts him to sleep. Im worried that if there was ever a fire at night, he wouldnt get out.

I might see becky tomorrow, might not. she is working, s depending on if she has stuff to do for work i might drive a little off the path to see her.

I was hoping to see illy monday night too. but she hasnt gotten back to me which means probably not... but we shall see.

tuesday i head back to morris. I know i have homework to do, but im hoping to have a nice fun night on tuesday. everyone is so stressed lately, so bummed, so overwhelmed so anxious... (or maybe just me)

there are lots of deer out there on the road, and im afraid to hit one.

its hot and then cold and then hot and then cold... at least i havent had a headache lately...
maybe i just needed more water.

im not sure what the future holds...its sort of looks depressing at times.

i realized the other day that i havent really done anything for my older brother... but he also hasnt asked. im hoping to bring back some lawn signs...
if he loses the election that will be rough. if dems lose in general it will be rough.
i was thinking about writing an editorial or something about how the little political races matter too... but how does one write unbiased, when it affects them personally.
diego sleeps next to me, im dirty and smelly.
the departed is a very violent but funny/interesting movie.

I just wrote out a list of all the things I had to do this semester just for school and it was quite a doozy.... then it got erased... so that was fun.
Lots of work to go, and I have already gotten stressed out.

I hope something bad doesnt happen cuz i dont know if i could take it.
Tom my old roommate and friend is in the hospital, apparently some bacterial infection in his blood stream sent him to the hospital with almost a 106 degree fever
he was transferred down to the cities... I have been told he is recovering, but is unhappy.
This coming weekend is fall break, and I think I want to go see Steve as he doesnt seem to be doing so well out in Milwaukee, I dont think it is the school but personal issues that he is dealing with, seemed to make him miserable.
This past weekend I saw a jazz concert (always good) and the national players performance of Othello which is a hard sad play. jealousy and a very cruel and sneaky charcter seem to turn the world upside down and destroy everything good. It doesnt even end with anything nice.
I got most of my homework done tonight, it may be poorly done, but its done.

Today/tomorrow I get to go to pizza hut and then write a speech about domestic abuse, which i will give right before Take Back the Night on tuesday, can you imagine what I may be advertising? its a hard speech to give, but if i practice it enough and dont think about anything i wont cry.
the other day i spent about 2 hours thinking about what i might say at take back the night during the speak out, i also volunteered to speak on PHE's behalf, I think Im just gonna say that there is info and someone to talk to at the wellness center but that for serious stuff they should go to counseling or the police, then I might talk about some of the affects of abuse, assault etc that people forget about, like stress, fear/anxiety, depression, insomnia etc. I may go so far as to bring up some of the larger disorders that have a high correlation.

Im nervous about this semster. I just remembered I have to take a big test in a bout a month. Lex says she will help me study which is so nice. Im not sure when and where i can fit in my directed study stuff.

oh well back to homework... (almost done!!!)

I havent been able to write anything (poetry prose) for a long time, well at least creative stuff, and it bothers me. I mean tonight I should be writing this paper for my east asian history class, but for some reason I decided tomorrow would be perfect and now I have a hard time forcing myself to do it tonight. (I did do all my readings for classes tomorrow almost 60 pages) So I though, "ah I will go to bed earlier, that way I can work on it all tomorrow night and i will have enough energy" but when I go to bed, my mind races and thinks of the future like being a teacher and the first day lesson plan that always comes to my head for a sociology class. then i wonder if i will have troubles with administrations or if i will even be able to get a job.
Then I thought, eh you should write something.... and i have a list of topics in front of me... things i have been wanting to write about... but i never seem to find the inspiration and the follow up at the same time... and thus I sit with a list of topics that is getting old... so here they are for you, and im starting to not even remember what the idea was for them so maybe some of them are gone forever

* liquid dreams morocco
* treading water
* fever breaking
* the wall (as in, for immigration purposes)
* American illusions and images
* body issues

In the car on the way home from home (odd how that works out)
I was listening to a lot of hip hop and as i often do i was coming up with verses in my head...
I had entire poems/lyrics thought out about a number of topics and when i got home I couldnt write any of them down because i was tired and couldnt remember.

Melissa was saying today how she didnt get enough sleep and felt really dumb all day. me and alicia nodded, like "yeah we know, we do that all the time."
i think i must be the most unhealthy...
anyway... i was hoping that i would start being able to write again soon...
its one thing to be sucking it up in your creative life and be kicking ass in your schhol life, but im not doing well in either all of a sudden.


this is the only thing i have written even resembling anything creative lately


while watching the coke pour on to the grenadine, I thought about how strange and exciting it was to watch the dark mix with the very red syrup and wondered if thats why bush is so eager to make these oil blood concoctions everyday.

and thats some crap...

i feel like absolute shit right now... what with the headache the stomachache the extreme tiredness.... but for some reason i suddenly decided that instead of going back to sleep and giving up like i have been doing and probably will do again in a few hours... im gonna torture myself in to doing some homework once i go get some provisions... namely water apples something else... we shall see if i stay up all night i have all of monday to sleep... if i fall back asleep maybe i call in sick tomorrow... its 1:20 and according to worf today is a good day to die

Isnt it obvious i talk more on here when i got no other form of communication with cats... sure i can leave wall messages and what not, but thats more personal and really im just spending lonely days at home, listening to good music, printing off mondays readings on my mothers ink... Zach and Illy and maybe hollie on the way out of town tomorrow leaves me feeling anxious about getting work done, but not enough (apparently) to sit down and do it... I also got a 3 hour movie to watch before i take it back in the morning. (a movie i missed in my war class)
I figure if i get articles lines up and maybe highlight some points that will be good for my history class. but who knows if i will be ready to write and type up a 5 page paper after driving 3 hours. Furthermore I got my money for tuition but i gotta stop at a wellsfargo to make it official and they aint open... closest one to morris being Alexandria so maybe a midweek trip?? jackass and couple other movies i would consider watching... but monday night i got to study for a test.
I really got to get on top of this take back the night stuff for the wrc. I got to talk to some important people and some important musicians/poets or we got nothing.

_______
Part of the reason I want to get involved this year is because of my extreme disappointment last year when only a few people felt comfortable (for whatever reason) to come out and say anything... one could take this as a good sign, but more than likely it meant the mood wasnt right or something. How does one fix that? no idea. I dont think it was anyone's fault i dont think that has anything to do with it... but honestly take back the night might be the most important event on campus in a students 3-5 years here. I hope that anyone feels comfortable... last year i felt awful worrying i would be really late to an open mic... i didnt even have much prepared and when it got out an hour early i was really upset... feeling like i didnt do enough somehow... i sat down and wrote a simple poem about some of my friends and my experiance dealing with issues.... it felt wonderful for me to get that out... but i felt awful in a sense that i felt the need to express something that was told to me in confidence... of course no one knows... but people know.
and that was kind of the point.


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((9
Lucy ford is easily the best of the atmosphere cds... and from what i have heard of slug's other stuff... it too doesnt compare.



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for the record that last post in saying im near the edge... doesnt necessarily imply im trying to be there... i guess its a strange thing to be proud of staying in a place that isnt necessarily desirable... more or less i dont know how i would be anywhere else... i mean i can see more trouble... but not a clear path towards something so much more positive... and thus proud that i havent slipped over that cliff.