Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I may have mentioned this already, but i was talking to lex, about how i dont know how to deal with death. more that i havent really had to many times...
The closest living thing to me that has ever died was my cat fuzzy, and though i didnt have a clue what to do at the time, the fact that I kept seeing him everywhere kind of made up for it... like an imagined reminder that he will always be with me... sadly too real at times (where you get your hopes up).
I went to a funeral on my birth day once, I hardly knew the man, I think it was my dad's uncle Boyd... His wife is amazingly nice and rather beautiful fopr being the younger sister of my grama...
I remember that was the same year the gulf war was supposed to start and I felt like the whole thing sucked... sort of guilty that my birthday was bringing about such tragedy... sort of pissed that I had to give up my birthday (not because anyone told me i had to, but because I knew i had to, for the suffering)
thats a really fucked up thing to say. I was turning 7 and felt like i had to give up my birthday because such horrible things were happening... (its kind of fucked up that im proud i felt that way too)

anyway... Fuzzy died and I wrote shitty poems about mourning... but no one understood really, they just knew i was fucked up... steve wrote me a note and told me not to think of hurting myself, i was a teenager... he didnt have any reason to worry, but my paintings and poems at the time would have pointed otherwise.

in kindergarten a girl died, in 6th grade a boy died, im not even sure when ginger hicks died... i felt a loss, but not something i was hung up on or anything.... my mom thought i might need counseling i think when the girl in kindergarten died... I made peace with it pretty quick... (i mean for me, considering zach gave me a lecture two days ago about not feeling bad about something that happened 10 years ago). Anyway this is all shit henry was trying to help me with...
including the shit i was talking to lex about...
including the shit i was just talking to Illy about...
including how i often have felt about illy....

my mom calls and tells me the funeral is tomorrow at 11:00 (i have a lunch date with nona at 12)

this makes me sad, because although i dont really want to go to the funeral (more the formality) I feel really awful (like in myself, no outside pressure) for not going.
My mom says its ok, and tells me to go look at this website they make for family and friends and stuff in the mourning process.... Caringbridge.com
I go and look her up, I read the first three-four paragraphs her husband writes...
Shes in pain,
shes dying
the kids are called

I start crying and cant read more...

I dont know what it is, im not so afraid of dying, not afraid of death... im sure people who are loving and loved have good things happen to them (whatever the case may be)... I havent talked to the woman in years, havent connected, she barely knows me....
I mourn the loss of possibility, both of future connections, and the ability to tell her or myself that what she had done was meaningful... had changed my life, had made me a better person.

I think i dislike death...

I think i love you.