Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

My dad used to bring up forgiveness in the heat of arguments, in our enraged battles where of course we brought up the divorce, of the cheating, of the lying. Our hurt hearts, and his hurt integrity. He used to bring up forgiveness, and we would be even more enraged... (i say we, but I dont know about my brothers, but me...) As if I hadnt been trying with every ounce to forgive him since day one. To understand his struggle his pain, his reasoning, as if I hadnt tried in every way to replace the hurt with something better... as if my every move in life wasnt to try to forgive to make amends to make peace...
I understand now, its not a new understanding but i was thinking about it... my arguments must have seemed so silly to him... because they were never about the little things, but something so much bigger. I hauled him in to a counseling session to have a counselor (a friend of his) help me explain why I couldnt do the dishes, not because of the work, but because it meant him backing out on another promise. He backed down around that time, not for good, but i think he finally got it.
he should have known though, sometimes its not the little things, sometimes beyond the surface, the appearance, the anxiety the stress and little worries... (but from his perspective)How can one heal a wound they created with out trying... how can one move on to make things better when the other person is still dealing.
You try, you move forward, and you stand their and listen as many times as it takes, as life moves on forgiveness takes over but its not a conscious thing, feelings are feelings and when they are hurt, it matters.
Im sorry to my father, but Im not sorry for feeling, for needing time to heal, for trying and sometimes being unable to forgive...
Im sorry (when in his role) that I cant help reassure more, but i understand the feelings, so i cant be impatient. When I can I help bring understanding to the feelings, the situation that causes them etc. but for the most part, there is no argument, and there wont ever be.