I kept trying to wait to see if I had anything important to say before I left --couldnt think of anything. So i guess here is the schedule: Leave today for morris, spend approx a week and a half... (probably around the 4-5) come back to cities, spend 2-3 days, seeing people catching up, doing laundry the go to sioux falls and work with my gramps a bit... then go a traveling out west... few days in CO a few days in TX a lot of driving... come back drop miss Lang off, probably have to go back to sioux falls (as i just realized that wont be very long there) then come back pack up the last of my stuff... say goodbyes and head to school probably around the end of that 4th week in august (25ish).
This leaves little time for more projects... unless i get better at sketching while im in morris.

things that will be accomplished this summer if i get this stuff done:
Trips to friends
gramps stuff
moving to new house
some art
new comp (some transfers)

things left unaccomplished
no new poetry
no music
no comprehensive photo or writing projects
no large paintings... (sad)several blank poster boards and canvases...
no homework finished... (although maybe i could do it like i did my college application I.E. while visiting nova and pete *hmmmmmm*))

good stuff... got to see lots of people and it was really nice, didnt see everyone but cant be perfect... hoping to not be a stranger anyway...



This is like the midterm rap up, but the next half is so different that it needs to be treated as such. Rushing around doing random things.

the purpose of showering this morning was to not have an itchy head... what the fuck?

all i want is for you to be happy. (eh line from a chili peppers song, u gotta give it up for the guitar on that one... nice jf nice.)

My dad used to bring up forgiveness in the heat of arguments, in our enraged battles where of course we brought up the divorce, of the cheating, of the lying. Our hurt hearts, and his hurt integrity. He used to bring up forgiveness, and we would be even more enraged... (i say we, but I dont know about my brothers, but me...) As if I hadnt been trying with every ounce to forgive him since day one. To understand his struggle his pain, his reasoning, as if I hadnt tried in every way to replace the hurt with something better... as if my every move in life wasnt to try to forgive to make amends to make peace...
I understand now, its not a new understanding but i was thinking about it... my arguments must have seemed so silly to him... because they were never about the little things, but something so much bigger. I hauled him in to a counseling session to have a counselor (a friend of his) help me explain why I couldnt do the dishes, not because of the work, but because it meant him backing out on another promise. He backed down around that time, not for good, but i think he finally got it.
he should have known though, sometimes its not the little things, sometimes beyond the surface, the appearance, the anxiety the stress and little worries... (but from his perspective)How can one heal a wound they created with out trying... how can one move on to make things better when the other person is still dealing.
You try, you move forward, and you stand their and listen as many times as it takes, as life moves on forgiveness takes over but its not a conscious thing, feelings are feelings and when they are hurt, it matters.
Im sorry to my father, but Im not sorry for feeling, for needing time to heal, for trying and sometimes being unable to forgive...
Im sorry (when in his role) that I cant help reassure more, but i understand the feelings, so i cant be impatient. When I can I help bring understanding to the feelings, the situation that causes them etc. but for the most part, there is no argument, and there wont ever be.

Listening to talk radio makes you feel things

I started listening to a lot of talk radio a week ago, and i started finding it a lot more compelling then the same old tapes and the bad music they play... but part of the reason its compelling is because its conservative stuff, and i get energized.

So two things i guess:

A) on one program today, (a non political show) they were talking about mail order brides, and the male hosts were going on and on about how american women have too much attitude and such. (not that they put it so bluntly) but in general that a lot of men are out there looking for women and cant seem to find "a good one" and though i didnt believe them anyway, it did make me really happy about the way my life has worked out so far, and made me realize that i take for granted what other people are struggling for, a good relationship.
So I was thankful.

B) on the way home from seeing clerks with my brothers and zach, (very stupid but funny movie by the way) I was listening again, and they were talking about the hezbollah stuff and the host was having people call in to vote on whether the US should get involved, and ignorant mother fucker after ignorant mother fucker went on air saying that we should get in to another war, not only with hezbollah but syria and iran.... and it made me sick. I know they screen these calls and pitch it one way, and make it seem like they have more support then they actually do, but when will we learn? war breeds war, destruction destruction hatred hatred... and right when i was about to drive down there and become one of them myself by killing the fucking dj, an advertisement from a domestic abuse group comes on and tells parents to teach their children about how harming women is wrong. (and though i agree and think that group is pretty sweet) how the fuck do we teach are kids that violence against others is wrong when we enter into war as if it were a computer game?
The other day i heard person after person say if country A supplies weapons to country B to fight C (syria/iran helps hezbollah attack israel) then Country C can attack country A (israel attacks syria/iran)
Hypocrites!! Every attack on Israel or the US has been justified in the same way by the attackers! If there is one country (in the last 100 years) who has supplied the most weapons and support to regimes that hurt others it would be the US. Every war we have been in since WWII has been because we supplied B to hurt C and C wanted our blood. russia and china do the same shit. I know, but can we admit that we are no better?

They treat our world like video games.
I have been playing them for years, i know what they are like, and the world is not a fucking video game!!!
fuck those stupid assholes.

I wish i werent better than them, because then I could treat them like they treat us, but I cant, I cant give up hope, I cant not make peace, I cant not have the discussion. Im sitting here worried about moving in with a girl who is my political opposite, not because im afraid of the arguments but because I dont want them to hurt anyone, I dont want there to be so much friction that we cant sit down and know that we are human, but their solution is bomb the abortion clinics, bomb the countries, bomb and kill anything that disagrees to save freedom and humanity. fuck them.
when I get fired for being a teacher, at least I'll know it was cuz I cared about the fucking principles they claim to.

My comments from two conversations earlier today:


MJHaggar: ah.... that living shit is overrated... where did anyone ever get living

MJHaggar: so um space cowboy, hows the rodeo?
MJHaggar: thats a conversation starter if i have ever heard one


MJHaggar: i should just get a new space ship
MJHaggar: for sure... they come with like space shit too... like tooth paste
MJHaggar: fucking martian

MJHaggar: ah... u should fix my car
MJHaggar: or make it better... but i cant pay you
MJHaggar: maybe in sexual favors

This is how well people know me
robettefr: ok so let me tell you about this video's we made
robettefr: with roz and her digital camera
MJHaggar: ok
robettefr: and they're not dirty so no
MJHaggar: this isnt gonna get kinky is it
MJHaggar: hahaha
robettefr: k
robettefr: stop
MJHaggar: hahahaha (((( (that was so funny, she said no before I even said it!!!))))

most bloggers are A)like me, and just complain when they got something to rant about or B) are actual writers.... and i like both, i mean both have their place... but i wish i were more like B...

I bought this movie called Stage Beauty cuz a preview once impressed me.
its about a male actor way back when, in London who plays women's roles during the time when they change it over and finally allow women on stage. In the movie, his faithful dresser girl becomes a big star, and he has to deal with his ego and other things watching her become famous, while he becomes considered useless...
The movie is good for like 5 reasons... (im really glad i got it)
1: historical stuff, that is rarely talked about,
2: gender, sex, love, equality, socialization
3: the acting is really good... (clare danes and Billy Crudup-both of whom i have liked in many things.... but I think it is one of Clare's best performances...-they even fake accents rather well)
4: the script is funny and entertaining.
5: they do that whole, drama causes people to grow both as people and in their profession thing... personal revelations, and things like friendship/love win out over personal struggles... but in a less cheesy way than i am making it sound.

plus billy crudup is in drag for more than half the movie...


if i had one problem with the movie it would be that clare danes character doesnt get fatter when she is a star... she is too skinny throughout the movie, but since she is very poor at the beginning it makes sense... but why wouldnt she fatten up like all the upper class women? huh? huh?

anyway, i would like to say this is for anyone, but its not... i mean others might find in entertaining, but i think the intellectual stuff is more suited to the sociology and gender studies crowd.... or people who like acting and history....


**************
rediscovering the big wu, last night.... was pretty good, though i was trying to sleep from being all sick like...
i put on the first cd of their concert at the cedar cultural centre, and it includes an accoustic set of mostly old folk songs and such... and then a couple of my fav songs by them... including "Elani"
but if you ever want to try out a big wu, live or regular cd, i would suggest their other live (at the fitzgerald) cd if you like jam music, and maybe tracking buffalo through the bathtub (its the one i started on and its got a lot of good pop sensible but fun songs) for the less jam band cats...

live at the fitzgerald is probably my favorite live cd ever... i think... i think the chili peppers live at slane castle is my fav live dvd...

you dont care about this shit... but why not say it...


me and steve and possibly my brother or a friend or something ight go see clerks 2 tonight

the last time me and steve and james went to a comedy i believe it was team america, i think we came in late, like in the middle of a song, and all of us were about to piss our pants within like 5 minutes... which is quite weird when u come in all anxious from being late.



hmmmm mike the rock says hes gotten better at guitar... i always say im gonna do something with him musically... and i really intend to, we just never get around to it... but when he says things like that it gets me all pumped.

well as one is want to do, i am gonna go brush my teeth. and in a manner of speaking that is my way to say goodbye.

according to wikipedia:
"According to a simple stereotype, most inhabitants of St. Louis Park are Jewish. In fact, there may be about equal numbers of Jews, Protestants, and Catholics. The city has been comically called St. Jewish Park. The city's official web site contains a page listing 19 Christian churches and five Jewish synagogues. (The U.S. Census does not ask people their religious affiliation, so definitive data on residents' religions are difficult to obtain.)"

Sometimes you dont post for a long time because u dont feel like you have anything to say, sometimes you are too busy and sometimes you feel like you dont know where to start... this has been a mix of all three. nothing huge has happened, but i have had some really good times with some people, seen some cats i havent seen in a while, havent done my homework or any projects, did buy a computer have been playing civ IV and creating a pile of trash on my floor.
good times with
chris d
aimee
illy
russ and greta
my girl
troy and anna
molly and brady
my brother

planning on seeing soon
my dad
steve
hopefully jason and amber
zach
maybe krystin and melissa
maybe becky

tentative plans Sioux falls early august, CO and TX late mid august.

have enjoyed much fake chinese food, gyros, chicken fingers, etcetc

hmmmm
hopefully i will get back to painting and drawing soon, as well as writing... i find my words just arent coming, even in conversations which is really hgard, i wonder if im not reading enough... I got really inspired for about 2 hours watching a bob dylan dvd which im gonna finish up tonight... maybe i will write some more.

I dont know where my india journal is, and thats scary... i have no desire to finish my independent study stuff (not that i dont want to finish it, but that i cant get started)
my girl seems to like her job and its really nice to talk to her.
west here we come