Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

ok like 3 or 4 things, just for the sake of telling them, and i will start off with the one that deals with the shit im about to do.

So since i got back i obviously have no new amazing exciting things to tell, because well, park may be a happening place but thats like once a year, and im usually not invited, so my ramblings online will increase to be boring shit, that has no point and sounds like well, what its been sounding like. This pisses me off in one sense because i am a nerd and read other "blogs" and go "fuck why cant i write like them, have interesting posts shit people might actually care about?" and i would if i thought it were possible, but at the same time sometimes i like saying what i actually did that day cuz then maybe in like 4 years i can look back and see "i hung out with some cats tonight" and i can then think back to the good times before i became sad and lonely. Still wouldnt it be wonderful if all this shit were mad interesting, insightful, spectacular or at the very least slightly entertaining, but i have lost all that by the time i sit down to the screen no excitement to write some shit for yours and my eyes. And I know ive said all this shit before, but now im actually thinking maybe i will just stop posting for a while and only write shit when i have something to say, neglect the journal aspect and concentrate on proper blogging like a true fucker. Maybe we shall see what happens,

Until then I hung out with some cats tonight. Now I have something to say on this for once, and its something that i think i dont really like but it happens enough i ought to say something. So its not like im thinking this consciously, not like i plan it out before hand, but always by the end of the night that subconscious thought fucks up my night. Usually it also only happens with girls, or people i really respect, or want to know better. and now ur wondering what the fuck mike? um so i dont even know, i be chilling with someone, and i dont know exactly what it is i secretly want, whether its one of those long amazing nights of just chatting or if its like some adventure or if its like sex, or what (probably just female energy in most cases) but towards the end of the night when it hasnt happened i just get this sad feeling. Like the night and life arent all they could be. Like life got me hooked on something and then with held it. Fuckin addict. so like its 2 AM and i just hung out with several people whom i seriously love but im like sad too, like it was great while it lasted but fuck man. (I sound like "known alcoholic boy" talking about alcohol) "you cant just give me one beer fuck you!"
This all runs into all the spiritual shit i read about how u should be complete before u like hook up with others so u dont fuck each other over, but thats fuckin rough man, "i aint never been a whole person and i dont know that i ever will be, but i feel fucking good when im with these people so i want to be with these people"
Also this makes me feel guilty because there has been a number of times where im absolutely having a great time and i ditch the people im with because i suddenly get weird, suddenly get tired, suddenly think of something i should (but dont have to) do. Not that in any of these cases im not having a good time, i had a great time tonight and thats why i dont like this feeling, cuz why should i feel sad when i just got to hang out with some of my fav cats?
I think thats it on that subject for now.

next thing, it really makes me feel good to know that even though my brother and his friends pick on one of their friends and dont seem to have any respect for him, it doesnt mean they arent mad concerned when he does something (like gets in trouble). thats pretty much it for that one.

fourth and final thing i believe.

some time ago, i had a friend, then me and this friend had a falling out and it was both our faults (if u can even say that, i mean it was mutual stupidity in my eyes but maybe it was meant to be that way) however at the time although i would easily admit i was to blame for a lot of shit, in most of the conversations i probably over blamed this friend and under blamed myself, part of this was because i was trying to get this friend to see the error of their ways but also because i was being selfish and arrogant. After a while i started seeing that i was a complete dick and tried to make amends or at least stop talking about it however half my friends still hang out or at least know this person, so they come up in conversation and now i keep feeling like shit all the time cuz sometimes i still get carried away and i really really dont want to, however a side of me does. so one a friend of the former friend brings something up i will say "u shouldnt tell me this." and they will say "yeah i shouldnt" and then stop cuz they know. however sometimes we get into it anyway, later on or something and although i can logically put it all behind me and act fine about it, it still either makes me feel guilty as shit (as is my nature for such things) or gets me all pissed off about old shit that i can, once again logically put behind me. So what the fuck should i do? yall have these occurrences in your lives? that one big mistake that shouldnt have been a mistake but was all your fault cuz u got carried away and shouldnt have, and it just never leaves ya alone. ???? all my friends will tell me "it wasnt all your fault." and i know that, but the part that gets to me is the fact that the part that was my fault is still being my fault. still going on with or without my authorization. A mind of its on hopping in and out of the picture whenever it feels like it.


Mike u have no authority, to do anything, what u call authority is arrogance. I gotta stop this talking to myself and being arrogant thing.