Tomorrow is my last day at my old job, just stopping by to do paperwork really. Make some phone calls, say good bye to some folks.
This week it’s setting up the office for the business (which starts next week). And also moving.
It’s Sunday at 2:30, about a half an hour ago I suddenly got very sad. It’s the move, the grief, the starting over and saying goodbye. The letting go.
I was thinking about packing up the spice rack. A gift, almost entirely for me, but I think E had suggested it maybe? I dunno. There are a lot of things around here like that. Stuff I wouldn’t have bought on my own, that I attribute entirely to her presence, odd to move them to a new space. It’s been about 10 months since she moved out. You’d think I’d have gotten used to it.
This weekend has been a lot of packing, and small trips across town to the new apartment. I’ve made 2 I guess, so not many… but I also got rid of a bunch of stuff at goodwill, and tried to unload art supplies at my dad only to see a horrified look on his face when I told them they weren’t exactly kid paints. So I took them back.
I also got rid of all my old curriculum, or most of it anyway.
I’m just sad I guess. Sad to move to this new place where I am trying to hype myself up to be friendly to the neighbors. Sad that I’m gonna have a new office and it’s so quiet. Sad that a lot of my dreams for how I would spend my 40s have been inaccurate so far.
I cut my hair and shaved last night, and despite the balding spot at the back of my head, I decided I wasn’t looking terrible.
I have to believe that these steps I’m taking forward are for the better. New business, new opportunities, new location, new apartment, letting go of the past, making room for all the new.
But it’s still sad. Every little part of it is kind of sad. It hits randomly. Silence. A random object. A word from a video. I dunno. I guess I also have to make room for these feelings.
I’m gonna make at least one more trip to the apartment today. And try to do some work for the business, but I feel less motivated all of a sudden. I worked up to all of this, but it’s exhausting, and the people who have said they wanted to help, are all busy. I need to order a moving truck, but I’m worried on the day of… no one will be able to help.
I know I didn’t prepare them well enough.
I know there is a lot of time this week, but I’m feeling behind with the business stuff. I need to not have this mentality going forward. Everything is fine. Everything is in divine timing, in its right place… and as I organize and clean, pack and then unpack, I’m moving things into their right place.
My tarot video reading was so optimistic today… and then I did three cards for myself and a 4th sneak peak and it said today might be a hard day. Turns out to be thus far. Maybe there is more to say later, maybe I need to cry.
