Cool cool coll

 Just saw a video of someone saying “ the past has no meaning unless your ego is using it as evidence for why something is not working in your life.”  So I give up on blogging. 

Just kidding. Here’s some evidence I guess ha. Go for it ego. 

This week was both hard and somewhat motivating. I started actually working at my own business. I saw about 17 clients I think, but not all of them were billable - checked in with a few and filled out paperwork. The majority are DA sessions and I have written 5.5 out of the 12-13 I need to write. So tomorrow will be busy, and I am not sure yet whether next week will be the same - as lots of clients have contacted me but haven’t scheduled yet.

All in all, I basically have something like 20-25 clients following me. Which is pretty crazy. What business starts with so much guaranteed?

Along the way, I’ve been trying by to figure out insurance stuff and get my new apartment settled. Finally put books on shelves yesterday. Used the hot tub with my mom and the kiddos on Thursday as it was raining. 

Already gone through a weeks worth of groceries and even though it all felt alien at first, I can feel myself adjusting and it feels like my home rather than ours. Which is good. It’s a good change. Today I realized, despite the convenience of having underground parking, I need a large bag or basket or something to carry stuff up. Lots of target runs these days. 

Illy helped me some with the office and even though it isn’t in its final form, it feels more put together. Need to get some lamps and some plants. I had a client mid week who had paperwork to fill out and as they were doing so, I took a moment to settle into the space and get grounded. The first few days I’d been so anxious and on edge - I wasn’t settled in, it wasn’t me yet… after that appointment I started paying more attention to the space, started being part of it. I like it. I have more to add. 

I also need to do some community building, both at work and at home. Not sure what that means at home, but at work I started a lunch sign up sheet kind of thing. In the 5-6 months people have been there, no one has organized community. My introverted self is not happy that I have to step up, but it gives me a role and a way in… I guess? Maybe some humor? Maybe just fake it till you make it. 

On Friday I had physical therapy then raced to at Paul for two session, then to Minnetonka and Minneapolis to do paperwork. It was an accomplished day. Ooh also the books that night. 

But it’s also been exhausting. I’ve literally crashed and taken a nap every night at like 6:30. 

Physical therapy reminded me that despite progress, and utilizing my arm a lot these past few weeks, I can’t even do a push up right now. It made me self conscious. But also the exercises and planseem helpful. 

Today I went and did myofascial release (did I spell that right). And it was interesting. It was interesting to have someone curious about my body - very professional, but also like felt invested in. Lots of cash… I had a lot of emotions come up… a lot of feelings of anger, sadness, resentment. I had this weird recognition that one of the dominant feelings I tend to have in romantic relationships is of the other person needing something from me, and me wanting to please them… rather than feeling invested in. 

I also have been thinking a lot lately of how poorly I’ve treated my partners because it does become this weird care taker thing, all their accomplishments and input and awesomeness gets thrown out the window in that dynamic. Even E keeping our place clean - i cleaned for like 5 hours today, I never noticed that stuff, or when I did, I judged because I felt like it was something she was doing to avoid the harder thing. Or something she did when she got adderrall but wouldn’t do anything when she didn’t have it. And I was on edge and resentful rather than invested and loving. 

Which is hard because I know that I also feel those things. In fact I probably dwell on the love and investment and caring too much, and overlook all the resentment. 

I really suck at relationships. I need to work on that, but I think I also need a parter who is sort of at my level… I don’t know what that means exactly… but 

Anyway, I guess I’m saying a lot of resentment has been coming up. Leaving the apartment, feeling responsible to clean it and get rid of stuff, feeling like I was the one investing in her, but being told I wasn’t doing enough. It was really challenging.  She has apologized for all of this… but even cleaning today I was reminded again as I had conversations in my head with my landlord, trying to excuse why it got so dirty, or why I don’t even know what is mine (hers). I don’t know why there is a pile of boxes in the basement, and in the garage. I don’t know what these bins contain. I don’t know if that storage thing is mine or not. But I’m financially responsible for it all, as I was when we were together. And part of me is just like… hey keep the deposit, it was three years of being functional in the space. It really does need a paint job and a good mop. 

It was too much space for me to keep up in the last year or two. Thank god I don’t have a house.. I’d need someone to come and deep clean once every 6 months. 

I showered three times today. I’m not even full done with the apartment… but closer.

This week and next week I think will still be transition in work and home, then I think basically by September it’s about adding and making meaning and connections

I have a training in September. Maybe start the spiritual direction thing?maybe get trained in somatic therapy?

Maybe start planning a trip? 

The world is mine I guess…

In between managing every thing, I’ve had all these little moments of loneliness? Craving? I see people everywhere, and wonder why I am alone. It’s not the best feeling.  

Oh well… tomorrow, coffee, DA writing. Maybe some errands. 

Capricorn all this stuff for a little while longer… and take naps because they feel good, not because you are avoiding. 

Did I find enough evidence ego?  Feels like it was absolutely fitting of that quote. Sometimes I feel soooo healthy  and other times omg 

Nothing is taking me down, down, down

 St. Paul night 3? Last night it stormed, the tarot and astrologers made a bid deal out of lions gate portal and manifesting… my brothers and my mom helped me move on Thursday,  I hung out with Rachel this afternoon, for the most part everything is great. Spent the week alternating between packing and trying to set up the business, making trips back and forth to make the move easier, cleaning the apartment…

I’ve been avoiding journaling though, settling down, taking a moment to feel, cuz I’m sad. I’m excited to move forward. But I’m also grieving. I don’t really know what I want to say I guess. It feels good. But also sad. I always wanted to try living in one of these big modern apartments. If I can keep my energy up, I’ll have a successful business and can spend time trying to grow community in the building and outside of it. I can maybe start learning or trying something new. Maybe meet people. Rachel says I should have a meet cute in the building, and if it goes wrong we decided it will give me a reason to take the stairs (I live on the 4th floor). 

It’s good, I know it’s good. I know E and I were too different, and our differences registered as not heading in the same direction - with the exception of living in the moment. We were good at that… and/or distracting ourselves entirely. 

It’s good. But I am reluctant to reach out to her. I am reluctant to say goodbye to the old apartment. I am reluctant to have things end, some fear that I am missing out.  

Been thinking of a lot of old memories lately, years ago… little times of joy, of redefining who I am or what the world is… lots of change brings that about I guess. Maybe it’s truly time for a new beginning and I need to not feel guilty, just embrace it. But I do feel guilty. And anxious. And scared. And bored. And not sure what to do… but I am moving forward rather than getting stuck in those feelings.  Today it was gray out (after the storm) and even though the weather was nice, I could imagine loving in this apartment surrounded by other people and feeling very lonely (like all winter). I could imagine organizing a board game night too. I could imagine hanging out and feeling awkward and not knowing where I fit, and I can imagine both being ok with that and also feeling so uncomfortable I leave… I guess I have done all things. 

I don’t really know what to say… tomorrow I plan to go to church, stop by the old apartment. Going to my office and spending hours getting organized. Hoping the new desk gets delivered, putting it together. Maybe last minute buying a desk chair. 

Monday I start meeting with clients in the new space. I should probably test out how the software works and not be brand new to every little thing. But everyone tells me I’m over preparing and over anxious…. That being said, everyone also says they are happy proud amazed when I am prepared and have everything worked out… so I guess I’m not sure what to say. I fake it all really well. 

Lately I’ve had this weird nagging feeling that people just wonder why I’m 41 and not in a relationship or married. Like what is wrong with this dude? I had that feeling before E and before M and throughout my 20s when I was single. It’s hard to explain that I may look fairly put together (people keep remarking that I looked younger than I am) but that I have some pretty big blemishes or have invested in a lot of different things (not bad, just different).

I once said to E that I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 years. We made it like 2y 8m I think. 

My last job was almost 3 years… and we/I lived in that apartment for about 3 years.

I used to do 3 year cycles with my hair (grow it out for three years then chop it). 

I dunno this thing called life is so strange. Business… then what? I hope things feel less like I have to do them, and more like I want to. That’s the goal moving forward. 

Keeping it all straight

 I did another run to the new apartment. I’m feeling better about the size, I didn’t realize how much storage there was and closet space. Like a ton in the bathroom. Not enough big spaces in the kitchen, but I can either leave the air fryer out, or put it on the top shelf. 

Even the living room, I think I might be able to make it work. Some stuff might block the large window/door to eh balcony… but if that is what it takes.   Now I’m just thinking do I want a desk? Or do I want the counter island to be my desk. I’ve used the kitchen table for the last few years… seems like it would be enough if I don’t end up setting up my slow ass desk top… but if I do, it will be crowded but fine. That’s kind of the end result. It will feel a little cramped, but fine. I think I can get rid of a few items and save the ones I really want. The tv can probably go on the bookshelf. The couch can either be split or float in the middle of the room. Still, its smaller than my first solo apartment which I had through all of headway/covid. 

People have been really nice when I have bumped into them in the hallways or the parking garage. So that’s nice. Seems like a range of ages… briefly met a couple who keep the apartment for when they are here and then go to Florida half the year. 

On the home front, I just filled 4 smaller totes with books and there is probably 1-2 more. I have an office full of random that could be one well planned trip. 

I have some bedroom stuff/ blankets sheets pillows etc. all the closets are empty. There are a few things down stairs still. 

I have probably 2 totes worth of kitchen stuff and food still. In the living room I have probably 2-3 worth of stuff. 

I don’t need to do laundry but I might do one last load before I go. 

The truck comes Thursday and I am already pretty packed up. Wouldn’t take much… on my calendar it says pack Tuesday and Wednesday, but now I feel like if I do one load each day I will be fine. I know part of me is avoiding the business stuff. 

There is also a bunch of stuff that might be E’s in the garage, and I don’t know what to do about that. 

I figure I’ll come back in a week or two and clean. The bathroom, the floors, the counters. 

Other tasks:

I printed out an application for health insurance. 

I need to find a desk for the office and maybe a printer scanner. Plus hang and organize stuff over there. I’m still waiting to hear from healthpartners. I need to print off my contracts and follow up with each of the companies.wed/fri?

Tomorrow if I remember, I’m going to the post office to change my home address. Maybe later this week if I don’t make it. Dentist appointment… gotta call. 

I feel like I’m behind. But I might actually be ahead of the schedule I created for myself a few weeks ago. 

Once it all settles… decide what to take on with the business. Maybe spiritual direction?  Ceus for Jan. Consult group? Meet people in the building? Invite people over?

It’s a small space. Any more than 1-2 people it will feel cramped. 

I’m very sad leaving this one. It feels like the last time for some things, even though I know that isn’t true… like spyhouse, pho79, walking to work over here, Wendy’s, i don’t know why, but everything feels like a goodbye to E. I was thinking about that, even though she never accompanied me when I went to get us food… I went solo and brought it home, but I had her in mind when I visited all these places. 

I had the realization after my first post, that now that I’ve started the move, the grief is real again, and each time I come back to the apartment I’m reminded. Part of me wants to hurry it up and get there, not because it’s better in any way, but because then I can start my next life. 

I have always had a place to retreat to in my last relationships. In college it was a dorm or my mom’s house. With M my apartment.

With E, this was the first time it was a shared home. I’m sad for her because I know she went through all this when she left… she wasn’t sure it was for good. She thought we might find a place or something.   Each time she came back she got sad. That’s what I’m doing now.   

But I also get angry with her… every time I have to deconstruct something we put together, or put in a certain place or whatever… it’s like, where are you?   

Most of the stuff is now the bare minimum -so I guess it’s mostly mine now.. I guess it’s easier. I dunno what I’m doing I guess is what I mean. 

I mean I do. I just also lose steam to the grief. 

Shit to get rid of still: blue couch, at least one maybe two cabinet things, one chair, kitchen table and 4 chairs, the elliptical, probably more I am forgetting. 

Oh well. 

Endings and beginnings

 Tomorrow is my last day at my old job, just stopping by to do paperwork really.  Make some phone calls, say good bye to some folks.

This week it’s setting up the office for the business (which starts next week). And also moving. 

It’s Sunday at 2:30, about a half an hour ago I suddenly got very sad. It’s the move, the grief, the starting over and saying goodbye. The letting go. 

I was thinking about packing up the spice rack. A gift, almost entirely for me, but I think E had suggested it maybe? I dunno. There are a lot of things around here like that. Stuff I wouldn’t have bought on my own, that I attribute entirely to her presence, odd to move them to a new space.  It’s been about 10 months since she moved out. You’d think I’d have gotten used to it.

This weekend has been a lot of packing, and small trips across town to the new apartment. I’ve made 2 I guess, so not many… but I also got rid of a bunch of stuff at goodwill, and tried to unload art supplies at my dad only to see a horrified look on his face when I told them they weren’t exactly kid paints. So I took them back. 

I also got rid of all my old curriculum, or most of it anyway. 

I’m just sad I guess. Sad to move to this new place where I am trying to hype myself up to be friendly to the neighbors. Sad that I’m gonna have a new office and it’s so quiet. Sad that a lot of my dreams for how I would spend my 40s have been inaccurate so far. 

I cut my hair and shaved last night, and despite the balding spot at the back of my head, I decided I wasn’t looking terrible. 

I have to believe that these steps I’m taking forward are for the better. New business, new opportunities, new location, new apartment, letting go of the past, making room for all the new. 

But it’s still sad. Every little part of it is kind of sad. It hits randomly. Silence. A random object. A word from a video. I dunno. I guess I also have to make room for these feelings.

I’m gonna make at least one more trip to the apartment today. And try to do some work for the business, but I feel less motivated all of a sudden. I worked up to all of this, but it’s exhausting, and the people who have said they wanted to help, are all busy. I need to order a moving truck, but I’m worried on the day of… no one will be able to help. 

I know I didn’t prepare them well enough.

I know there is a lot of time this week, but I’m feeling behind with the business stuff. I need to not have this mentality going forward. Everything is fine. Everything is in divine timing, in its right place… and as I organize and clean, pack and then unpack, I’m moving things into their right place. 

My tarot video reading was so optimistic today… and then I did three cards for myself and a 4th sneak peak and it said today might be a hard day. Turns out to be thus far. Maybe there is more to say later, maybe I need to cry.