The more you stay the same

 I was just reading old posts from 2007 when i was in college... funny enough one of them was about a memory I recently was thinking a lot about... its funny how much of life I have completely forgotten...

anyway... I am the same little dude.  I really haven't changed much at all, still thinking and acting the same... still interested in the same things, still cautious and afraid. Its like 17 years ago... I can imagine if I could find any of my journals from high school it would be the same. 

Same dude this whole time. Cray right?

I wish I remembered everyone... or is it better to forget all these things I have forgotten?

Sending love to you

Another week

 

This morning in church, I tried to prepare myself in case there was one of those social meet and greet times. I did the rituals of church (they do a moment of breath, a moment of silence, etc.) but also some of my little coping skills. Imagine a moose standing behind you, no one is looking at you, they are looking at the moose. The moose is intimidating. The moose is awe inspiring. The moose is in your corner, and he has your back. What do you have to fear with this moose beside you?

I saw up a bit taller, my spine in line, my chakras aligned... I felt confident, I felt present.

I cried a bit during the prayers. My mind wandered a bit during the sermon. By the time the service was over I was ready to be out the door, I had a busy day didn't I? 

I got home and did the first part of a DA, time slowed down... I couldn't wait for lunch but it was only 11... I had a open house at 1:30ish... another at 2, another at 2:30.  My Mom and Dad reached out, but I told them I had a busy day and probably wouldn't be able to see them. I did some more work. I watched a few videos. The time ground to a halt.

I went out for lunch, feeling a little panicked, Illy got back to me while I was on the road... after the open houses... ok, then Ill see her, then I'll get home and finish my work... then I'll... 

Not enough time. I went to the first open house. It sucked. Then I went to KFC because the buffet would take too long. I went to the second open house, it was better, but am I just drawn to a lot of space for a decent price? Do I even want a house? I drove past the third... looked it up. This one looks good. Shit its only 2... I have 30 minutes to kill. I did spanish lessons in the park on duolingo, checked off another thing I was supposed to do. Good. Went to the last house. It was better. A few questions. Now what? I called Illy, she didn't sound like she was up for anything. 

Now what... I have the rest of the day to kill and its 2:45.

I went to Target. I bought pillows and a garbage can. I called my mom. I told her the last house looked better. Maybe I should buy it. Do I even want a house?

She said, it sounds like this whole project has been a way of grieving, of pulling away and figuring out what you want in a concrete way. Its true. I don't even know if I want a house. Maybe a change of location, of routines, but do I want  projects and hassles?  

She said she didn't really think I was gonna buy one, even though it wouldn't be bad if I did... She said I'm doing a good job of redefining myself. 

I watched Eat, Pray, Love last night and felt I was doing the same... I am doing good. I am sending love and light when my heart hurts or feels joy. When I have strong emotions I try not to fight them.  Just feel them, love them, send love and light to them. I am doing ok I thought at I watched this movie. -Like I am reclaiming myself and doing it in a healthy way... I cried the most during the part where she has to forgive herself that her ex husband still loves her and she has to go her own way anyway. It felt like truth. Like I need to remind myself that E and all the others can also love, want, heal, grieve, and that it will be ok. 

I thought of myself when I was in that position with M. So angry and hurt with her... "this isn't what I want" I said, and she didn't care. And E has said the same to me... and I probably seem heartless... but I don't want this anymore. Its not a good fit... but what is?  

What do I want? What do I want?

I have meaningful work, and friends, and family... and a decent place to stay... but what do I want? Where am I called to next? What do all these tarot videos keep hinting at (see I am deluding myself). 

My mom keeps telling me I am doing a good job of grieving, but I feel like I am getting more desperate for the next thing... before the loneliness sets in? before I lose hope to the world and the politics? before the winter zaps me of my will to get out of bed?   

I am doing all the things, taking care of my health (mostly), taking care of the home, taking care of the cat, the job, the new car, doing my spanish lessons, reading, journaling, meditating, but what is next?

Thursday night I was doing a little brainstorming and I realized I didn't really have a reason to take off a week during the holidays.  Thanksgiving will be the test version, but I imagine I will be lonely and bored. A week without a project? A thing to do... and I am sure I could find something to fill the time, or someone else could ask of my time, but will I feel like I am trading work for someone else's tasks?  

I need a project of my own. Switching to a new home isn't gonna happen in Dec. Maybe February? When of the business... july?  I could have done so many things. 

What do I want to do next? 

Art class this week was a good time. But it is a few hours of light heartedness... church is an hour... tasks and tasks, chores and chores... Because there was a football game last night at UMN it took an hour to get to Raising Canes and back, and despite the annoyance, I listened to Brandi Carlile and tried to enjoy myself. I realized when I got home that at least it killed an hour. That was something. I drove through parts of downtown I haven't seen in a bit. I sometimes go out of my way now because I don't have someone waiting at home for me.  I drove around Minneapolis Como neighborhood yesterday, never been. So much of the  world to see still.  

The travel bug has disappeared it seems. Maybe because my passport is in the mail... Maybe because I am trying to ground and root myself. 

Maybe this book (The Covenant of Water) I am about to read will give me the desire again.  

Not sure what I am doing... clearly. 

I don't feel like there is a shame to it, like there has been in the past, but there is a desire to not waste time. I am ready -I declare... but I suppose the last time I said that I went right back into the same karmic cycle?  Also, I am not really ready to break E's heart by falling in love with someone else... I dunno, am I?

But it would be nice to feel called.  I guess that's what I am looking for.  That shaman who pulls me from the crowd "where have you been?" 

I think I am boring the cat. He sleeps all day, and then when I

 am home, I am in bed... and sleeping. This is a bad pattern I am getting into again. This whole, being in bed all the time. Bad energy, stuck energy.  What would be different in a house?  I mean... I think of these places and wonder how often I would even enter these rooms I am checking...

What the fuck am I doing with my life.... kna mean?

The downtime

 It's Nov 17th, 2024. Its a Sunday night, right before a busy week, and then a half week with thanksgiving. 

This weekend I saw Rachel and Illy. I talked to my mom about a house. I spent a lot of time cuddling with the cat.

I visited about 6 open houses, and drove by a few others before realizing I didn't actually want to live in those neighborhoods, or the houses didn't look great.  2 houses in Columbia heights, 1 in St. Paul, 1 in Richfield, 1 in Golden Valley, 1 in North East.    The only one I really considered was the Golden Valley one, as the rest had something that stood out as needing fixing beyond my abilities.  It's odd with the Golden Valley one because again, do I want to live in the suburbs? It would have been a house to visit with E, and I realized that shortly after I left. -That this was a house I had few complaints about, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is what I am looking for.  It makes me sad. 

Rachel isn't convinced I even want a house.  We toured one of the Columbia Heights ones together and she pointed out all the things that would need to be fixed structurally. I mostly noticed the cosmetic stuff and wasn't impressed much. It was a helpful lesson as I continue to look for homes. As a single home owner, she is aware of how much work they are, as well as the financial responsibility... and she wonders if I am just trying to run away from my problems.  

I am. 

Beyond that, I am also thinking of how to diversify my savings. I have money in various stocks and bonds... but nothing that is real and appreciating in value. There is part of me that wants something to own, before the whole country goes to shit. But maybe that is just adding headaches when it might be better to be fluid. 

So running away AND investing/rooting myself.

What do I really want?   

I've been asking myself that all week. The urge to travel for 6 months seems to have passed, though I do want to travel at some point. The stupid mistakes I keep making on my passport are gonna settle that matter and keep me here till at least next year. 

I've been cleaning and organizing. It helped to have Illy come over, put some fire under me to address the things I hadn't been paying attention to. Once E takes all her stuff, the house will feel less empty, but not ungodly miserable like it might have -had I not bought a bunch of cheap furniture and grabbed things from the basement.  Its too much space for me, and a house -really of any size would be also. But like a true american consumer, I can fill space over time. 

She didn't come back this week like she had planned to. Probably got caught up in taking care of her niece and nephews, so there are collections around the apartment ready to be put into a storage once she has the chance. Not that she wants to.  And me, I go back and forth on quickly I want her to do this whole moving out thing... but that is my selfishness and desire for things to not have to change so drastically. 

They already have though... its been about 7 weeks since she moved out. There are times when I don't even notice... staying busy, having tasks, projects, goals, or distractions. There are other times when I notice very much... when she is around I burst into tears. When she isn't, sometimes I just notice the pang of sadness or grief, and I don't know what to do with it.  

I've started with the drama in my head. Making the arguments, the case for why we have to be broken up. I am aware that I am trying to justify something that I had previously felt was unjustified. I don't want to get back together because I don't want to be in a relationship in which I take on more and more responsibility because otherwise I would doubt its success. That's not a group project, that's me taking the lead.   But that is my side of the story. She has hers... and I want to write the narrative for both of us so that I am not the bad guy.

But that's not my right. Nor is it my responsibility.  I don't want to get back together. I am moving forward. It hurts my heart, and it breaks my heart to know I am hurting her... but I want a different life, and I am choosing that. End of story.    ----my mind is not so easily convinced. 

In the downtime, is when I realize the grief, or it swirls in... and I am sad, and lonely, and confused, and totally don't know a way forward. I feel kind of helpless despite being totally functional and doing all the things.

I am asking the universe and my spirit guides and the angels and saints, and G-d themselves... as well as myself. 

In therapy the other day I realized... you know, the reason I feel weird about it is because I don't want E to feel like I did when my Dad left us. That's it, pure and simple. I don't want her to be hurt by my "selfishness."  And yet, she is not a child. She is an adult. She is supposed to be my equal, my co-person. And this whole protecting her thing is part of how we got soooooo off base. I need to not act or believe this whole thing anymore. I am not selfish, or when I am...its because I am protecting the parts of me that can love and support others...   That's not what happened when I was a kid.

Probably need to re-read the adult children of emotionally immature parents again with this in mind.  

I just need  boundaries. and direction...

I am not running away, not rushing into anything, not running back to an ex, or over indulging in stuff.  Trying to find a healthy mature balance that sets me up for the next thing.

What is funny... is that I kind of developed a slight crush on one of the pastors at church today. 

Church feels good. I want to continue to go. That's one of my only YESes right now. Which feels odd. 

Work meh,  business meh, friends sure -maintain and build on what is there, family same... living situation  -getting by, direction?   no idea.

It will be hard when she takes the cat, but I'll probably get way better sleep, and I'll clean the floors really good... and probably find cat hair for months if not years... but  it will still be hard. He sleeps with me, stays in the same rooms with me, bugs me all the time... 

She got jealous sometimes of how much he liked me, and how much attention I gave him. It was kind of annoying. 

I don't know what I am saying anymore.... probably gonna watch a tarot video or something... they make me so much more optimistic than I am naturally.   Its like, sunlight and tarot videos, and church are my balms right now. Salves?  maybe...

Maybe I need to take acid or go on a religious retreat.  

I don't know... 

my anxiety is a lot higher than I think I am pretending... it spikes when I need to eat. I am doing a good job of reminding myself to take care of my self before I let it throw me completely off.

Life goes on

 It’s 8 am the morning after the 2024 election. Douchbag will be president again. The senate has flipped to republican control, and we dont know about the house.  

It’s honestly devastating.  The cat woke me up early, but the pundits and things were predicting it by midnight, and i just turned off the tv resigned but hoping for a miracle that didnt come. 

The blame game is easy. 

I am angry. And hurt. And worried about so many people. Multiple clients have said they may be suicidal if…

And well, I understand. Who wants to live through hell?

The rise and fall of empires, this is just our turn. 

I’m worried about so many, and yet, selfishly I want to hide. Want to stay home, quit, run away. I dont want to have to work harder. I dont know that working harder will solve anything…

I dont want to console. I dont want to reach out to loved ones. I want someone to console me. I am alone and selfish and childlike… and I have responsibilities… and I have unmet needs too. 

It’s hard to imagine a more inept leader, and yet he won the popular vote?  People hate this guy, think he’s an asshole… and yet. People like assholes. 

I dont think it will be the fascist state he promises, i think it will more likely be the money grab corruption. But i could be wrong. Maybe he unleashes the stupidity and the greedy and the malicious all at once. Maybe it is end times… maybe this has happened hundreds if not thousands of times all over the world throughout history. We could do better… but, meh.

There is a new congresswoman who is trans. I fear for her. For her safety and her sanity. When the bullies have been given free rein. I can imagine hate crimes at the capitol, and thats ridiculous. 

One thing that was reinforced last night, is how alone i am. Didnt talk to anyone, scrolled social media for other peoples posts, it was just me and pundits on tv.  

Makes me wonder if i should be doing something else entirely with my life… 

Yesterday E and i were texting about the baby blankets and even the fucking pregnancy test that basically jumpstarted our relationship into solidity. I was crying about it. My heart still heavy with stuff that has happened so long ago, trying to let go, trying to be with and breath into, and still…   Maybe i should follow my heart that is so easily broken, so illogical. Maybe i should follow it towards these immense feelings, and the connection that causes them? 

Maybe i should give up ln this house and business thing, and just take my money and run to some paradise. Live on a beach, fish, read and write. 

Maybe i should go be a monk or a pastor.

Maybe i should join a community. Maybe start a cult. 

Maybe… get a fatal disease and die  all possibilities. 

It feels like we chose a stupid timeline. 

Im mad at myself for starting to believe she would win.  But america cant have nice things can it.