Break ups

E and I just broke up. Im not sure how I am, or what it means, but Ive  been feeling very guarded for weeks, and shes been saying she doesn't feel safe at home (when Im not here), and the vibe has been very off. Ive gotten defensive and reactive - felt like she was implying I wasn't  doing enough despite the fact that on and off throughout our relationship I was doing more than my share. 

 I wrote her a long email today saying it felt like I needed space to figure out how not to be a caretaker, how not to be codependent. She asked why she should trust me to take her to her doctors appointments next week. I said if she doesn't trust me after all I've done, then whats the point. I was hurt. She said I was acting out of obligation not love, and maybe she was right. 

Maybe I dont know how to love people or be loved. 

She said I tried to show her I loved her in ways she didn’t perceive as love… and Im sick of trying to prove my worth, my love. I felt the same to her. Felt like id asked for all the ways for her to show up for me, she didnt act on them. So it wasnt a good fit. But i still love her… and yet, shes right, im not in love with her right now. I want to stay in her life, but im not loving towards her. And shes not towards me. I always told her she could push me away, and  it felt like she was trying to on the phone, she had decided I would be the bad guy. So I just said fine. Im done. 

It was dumb. The whole thing is dumb.   

Now what?

I dont have a car. She has all of her stuff intermingled with mine, it’s basically a divorce. We live together, but she isnt comfortable here. 

I’ll miss her family. She’ll miss mine. I’ll have to figure out how to not become a total hermit or run away to india.

Will I move? Will I quit my job? Will i start that business or not?

For over two years, I had this idea that if I ever died at least E would be able to pay off her debt. At least she’d be ok.

For the last few years, she has been my hope that the future was ok, that even though it would be hard, id have someone to do it with. But it felt more and more like i was carrying the weight and then being blamed for it. 

I want a partnership.  She sent this song to me today that was rather lovely and talked about doing things together, taking turns with the hard times… but if one person always has hard stuff, how does the other get their turn?

Sept trepidation?

I woke up crabby, or rather defensive. It’s only gotten worse as the day goes on. I feel like I’m running out of time and there is so much to do. Spanish lessons. A walk. Website building. Business tasks.  It’s a three day weekend, and so far I’ve gotten to see a friend and watch tv and  movies, but I haven’t been productive. 

Maybe I need to go to the office to get my to do list. Maybe I should be out scoping out new office spaces. 

Are there bills to pay, and mail to send, and texts to get back to? Yes, yes, yes.  I need to go get qualified for a  mortgage. I need to buy a car. I need to follow up with the stuff from the business consultation, maybe I need someone to find me an office.

There is the website and the psych today stuff to attend to. 

There is making lunch and dinner. There are dishes and laundry and garbage and recycling. 

What can I let go of? What can be not my problem to solve…

The problem is that I am feeling defensive of my time and energy and money. The problem is that I feel somewhat resentful today.  

That I was woken up by a comment about needing a bigger bed because I take up too much space, when actually I was only taking up my half, and actually I would be responsible for buying that bed… so it felt like a jab from the beginning. The problem was the cat woke me up  several times prior to that, or for several hours prior to that and I was trying my best not to give in, but his constant whining made it impossible to sleep. 

The problem is I felt alone in these things, and the tasks at hand, and responsible for all of it. For making sure our lives together are reasonably good because I am providing, I am responsible. 

And it is my life, so I am responsible, but it felt bad to be criticized when I was already trying my best.  It felt bad that the solutions offered require more of me, rather than adjustment on her part. That I felt I needed to do more and more and more, when I am already feeling at capacity and trying to figure out how to balance life again. 

We met Pete and his family for dinner the other night and I quickly ran out of stuff to talk about. I have very little to share that isn’t a work thing, or an obligation, or a responsibility that requires someone else’s input. 

How can a summer go by without a story? 

The story is that we were dealing with Es health. And that is her story to share, hopefully something she is recovering from, but free time was taken up. 

Now she is feeling better physically (much of the time) but not necessarily mentally and emotionally. Life is scary. The outside world isnt inviting or magical. 

And I understand that, I am routinely stressed regarding social interactions and new experiences… I am trying to remind myself it’s ok to be out in the world. To take up space and to see the space.

 It’s hard to be in conflicted positions, different lenses of the world, not sure where to reconcile. The world is scary and…

Pete watches his kids as they wander about the park full of strangers. And the kids are fine, almost out of sight, but fine. 

My urge is to be protective to jump in, to guide, but they don’t need that. Don’t need someone trailing them. They are figuring it out on their own, learning to regulate, to trust themselves. I’m so used to being attentive and so expected to, that when I slip for a minute or a day, I feel as if I’ve let everyone down. 

Started to see all my relationships aa needing me to be responsive all the time, rather than just showing up as I am. And most of the time, I am ok.  I’m fine. 

But it’s hard to build a future when the present feels scary or overwhelming, or already at capacity. 

How do we create more of that trust, that chill, that enjoyment of what is, rather than being frightful? Abundance not scarcity. 

There have been gray days in the last few weeks, or evenings when the storms blocked the sunlight, and I felt sad. Worried about winter. Wanted to shutdown and go to bed. Hard not to judge.

The business timeline might be more like January.  Could I take December off? Mexico City? DC museums? Holidays and creating an office space?

What does it look like to be settled in, rather than rushed? To have a place that isn’t in transition, but is ready? 

Handouts and transition paperwork and all…

I dunno. It’s all new.

Victoria recommended an art class, Wednesdays for fall. 

I’m hoping it’s a positive reinvigorating experience.