Chrysalis

 It’s very difficult for me to figure out what I need to say or express right now. I feel like I’m dissolved in the chrysalis and don’t quite know my new bones or wings or whatnot.   

Part of this has been sparked by grief and loss, part of it by ongoing change without resolution, part of it by roles I’ve played and continue to play, part of it by recognition that perhaps I’m not getting my needs met in a variety of ways.  

A few days ago, I was telling my therapist that I felt little. Felt lost and confused, and was afraid of asking for help, and afraid of what would be asked of me. It felt especially weird because my adult self knows better, I can rationalize and understand easily… but it does not feel aligned to my feelings… and my feelings are scary because if I listen to them, does it require me to make changes? Does it demand more? Would I even know what to do with it…

The onset was death in one case, and in other cases something I should be looking forward to, but don’t feel at capacity to take in fully- don’t  know how to make the most of (friends in town). 

Brad died of cancer.  I am not sure how well I knew Brad, but for awhile we shared the same goals and mission. Later, between V and M I started wondering if perhaps Brad wasn’t someone all that trustworthy, or rather, I guess I just knew that he was flawed like us all. Not someone to look up to or make a mentor.  But that isn’t a bad thing, I can honor his life and his commitment to things that I cared about. I can thank him for the advice and role he played in my life. I can be especially grateful for the positive impact he had on the kids we both cared about.  I can feel sad for his family, and for the loss of someone in our community who was dedicated to trying. 

But I guess it isn’t the grief of his loss that has been bugging me, but the recognition of grief on a larger scale. Of the 10 years of changes since I was a teacher. Of the ten years of lacking a community to fall back on or be a part of. Comradery as my dad put it, and how that has changed so much over the years.  How about the ten years of moving forward without necessarily reconnecting or integrating the past? How about ten years of therapy that has allowed me to revisit things I once held high as my accomplishments and adventures, and added the recognition of their costs back into the equation. Being asked too much, for too long, and holding holding holding it all.  And not that it was bad, or it was anyone else’s fault, not the blame game, but simply a more elaborate picture.   And of course I do not have their voices and perspectives to offset my own, so it is simply a feeling of being alone -and then worrying that I’ll be asked back into the role of my 25 year old self… because I’ve not been present to demonstrate my growth. Or something along those lines. 

I work with a lot of older folks who are full of regrets and complaints, and I often think to myself, “take this as a lesson” but to which part of me, which voice do I give the microphone?  Am I happy? Yes, am I sad? Yes, I am both happy and sad.  As Ram Dass says.

And in that I can recognize a larger truth, that I don’t have to be terrified, that I can be curious, that I can allow what is -to be what it is.  But I also want to honor fully these experiences, and one of those experiences is that anxiety and fear that I will be relied on too heavily. That I will feel like I have to downplay my own stuff, so as to make room for someone else’s stuff.  Middle child in the back seat stuff.   

And it’s hard not to overplay or be dramatic in that. I found myself last night feeling ill. I felt like I had a fever, like I couldn’t thibk clearly, like I was achy.  I told E this, took a Covid test and complained about how hot it was. I was clearly out of it. She kept stopping and asking “are you ok?” And I was like… why are you asking?  

No im not ok, but there is nothing you can do about it. So let me be not ok. Don’t make it about you. Don’t make it feel like I have to be ok so I can assure you. I’m not ok. I don’t have health or energy for you, don’t ask. But of course I said none of this, except asking her why she kept asking… 

And that’s what it feels like.  I don’t ask for other people to help. But I also don’t trust that they will. I assume asking will only make it harder.   

For a while, my old coworkers were a team. We had a shared goal, and everyone stepped up. And that was what it was. I was the youngest and to some extent I thought that this was the way it was supposed to be. And then slowly, the dawning recognition came in, that it wasn’t sustainable… and then more and more recognition came through. It was amazing, and asked too much. And I didn’t have the boundaries or abilities to recognize that. I empowered myself and others, and also was not fully present for myself. And that sucks. 

In hindsight, I believe I recognize that they knew that before I did(about themselves).  

I find looking back that no matter how old I am, or How much I’ve grown, I am astounded by my own naïveté, over and over I get my hopes up, or believe something passionately, or whatever.. and then I am disappointed or exhausted by it.   So it’s hard to muster up the energy to see the people I love… have loved… knowing I will be disappointed or confused, or feel out of control due to my emotions or theirs. 

I watched a willem dafoe interview where he said, sometimes you have to try to fail.  This is advice I give to clients who are perfectionists, and it helped me to consider that I am wanting to be perfect and in control at these events. Want to manage my image, protect my heart and the small spot in their hearts that they have held for me. Hustlin for my worth as E would put it.  

Perhaps I should try to fail,  be as awkward as possible, be standoffish or rude, or numb.  Show up more fully and flagrantly fucked up. Take the risk to be a mess. 

I guess I need to give myself permission to be. My adult self can say that, but maybe not from a place of wise mind, not integrated yet. 

Maybe I haven’t been processing my grief and letting go, maybe I’ve just been running away for 20 years.  

It’s hard to be human. This is the curriculum. Gotta learn to trust it. Open to it. Embrace it in all its forms.  Let it be what it is.  Let the universe shape me into what I am, rather than trying to keep my preferences.  I dunno.  I dunno. I am a baby in the grand scheme of things. Maybe I need to be held.

August

 

It’s a Sunday night. I don’t really have much mental capacity, but Ive felt like I should be journaling all weekend.  I’m watching a tarot video and she says I’ll get back in touch with some old attachment I haven’t had space for in a long time… that I will allow it to unfold. 

The week has been particularly stressful. My company was basically purchased by an insurance company and ever since all the promises they have made have been upended and with a positive spin (a little two faced toxicity). So this week it was a new electronic health record… and very little preparation or forethought.     Mid week, I had to realize, that my job is about being with the clients, not stressing about paperwork.. and that made it easier. But I was stressed and somewhat furious all week. 

But on the positive side it will push me from the nest, get me away from this insurance company BS, and get me started with my own bs whatever that will be. I’m doing research and trying to figure out what private practice looks like. I want to leave, even have urges to leave randomly, but I want to get out ethically and potentially bring all my clients with me. 

The woman in the tarot video says emotions will come, especially nostalgia, and that I should keep feeling through it,  because it’s happening for me not to me. A reawakening. Some sort of truth I’m ready to integrate into my being. 

On Friday night I had a dream in which I came upon a table of old friends who were all hanging out, without me.  This has been something I’ve been thinking about lately a lot. About all these friendships I’ve let go. But in the dream, I went to each of them individually and tried to reestablish that I loved them, but that my limited amount of energy kept me from being in relationship, but that it wasn’t a matter of caring… whatever that means.  I woke up thinking of all these loved ones who I used to spend hours and hours and hours thinking about. How many loved ones have I allowed to pass through my life?

I spent much of Saturday thinking nostalgically, but also with that familiar anxiety that something bad was gonna happen. Later I got a text that one of my old coworkers died. I’d been told he was in hospice a few weeks ago, and that and other things had been bringing up all these nostalgic feelings. I dont know that my dread was related. But one of the people I talked to in the dream was the one that broke the news. 

Not to be weird but I do miss that side of me… the one that feels connected to the spirit and the universe and what not.  Able to tap the thread of the comings and goings. 

I feel grief lately for a lot of things and people. Parts of myself or my old life that I don’t quite want back, but do appreciate still. 

Last night I went to see the new Deadpool movie by myself. A late night movie in Minneapolis, a solo adventure.  So me.   I drove back through the city reminded of bars and restaurants and neighborhoods and coffee shops I once frequented, or special occasions with friends.  Again, I didn’t quite want it. But appreciated it.  I wanted to get home to E. I wouldn’t choose a night in a bar over a night with her, or even being in the same apartment in separate rooms… but I do miss all those past me’s sometimes.  

She has a chronic condition, an invisible disability, and we are making a life together. Easy in these cases to allow your world to shrink. How to make it big again? Or do I even care?

I’ve spent the last few months dreaming of world travel… so I must care… or be needing a break. She pointed out I usually travel in between major life events. Time to reflect and process… 

Friends are coming into town this month, and I’m worried I won’t have the capacity to meet them with enthusiasm. 

I’m 40 years old. I feel like I’ve lived lifetimes already.   

I want the future to be directed by hope and optimism rather than fear.  Abundance, openness, freedom. I waver though, I’m not sure I believe myself to have the capacity. 

I enjoy sitting around and avoiding all the meaning making… when you do it for a living, it get exhausting sometimes. 

Am I ready to give up the old parts of myself? The cds and book collections? Should I move away and start anew?   Should I go on a walkabout before I try to shoulder the rest of my life?

I dunno. 

Like I said, mentally I’m prettt dull tonight.