Update on life

So let's see total update on life (Multidimensional)


Age: 32
Sex and Gender: Male and mostly masculine, missing my hair.
Living situation: Living with two roommates who I rarely talk to, however its an improvement from my last place, and I like the location in Saint Paul (despite the drives, and the longing for familiar spots in Minneapolis).
Health: Mostly good, but not getting much exercise and not eating healthily. Do not have health insurance.
Family: Fine, but hard to maintain connection with lack of time.
Friends: Similar, mostly old friends from High School and College. Not doing very well at maintaining relationships with new people I am meeting, nor with older friends/coworkers who I value but don't have a shared point of references with currently. Still talking to ex in tiny little tidbits on messenger regularly.
Relationship: I don't even have a real crush. It's awful. I feel like I have no prospects, no people I am interested in. I am on okcupid and tinder and neither are doing anything to increase my likely hood of meeting anyone. Despite other stresses, this is actually the area I feel the worst about.
Work: Working in Minneapolis. Sometimes I like the job because I get to see so many faces. It can be a stressful job, and I appreciate about half of my coworkers... but the real perk of the job is getting to see all the faces, wonder at who they are and where they are headed. I also see the people that are the closest I have to crushes there. Other than that, the job is repetitive and simple, and only sometimes anxiety producing.
Grad School: There are elements I like about it, I like learning, I like discussions. But I don't like a lot of aspects of my program, I find them poorly designed and not necessarily a good fit for me or my lifestyle. I've considered what it would look like  to drop out, or cut back to part time, but neither option seems fitting for what I want to accomplish with my life.
Internship: similarly poorly designed experience, but helpful in the sense that I enjoy some of the work, and the things I am seeking out (resources etc) are helpful to my understanding of the systems that affect immigrants and participants. Some of the people at the internship are cool, I feel like the time constraints really keep anything serious friendship from forming.
Hobbies: If I broaden that definition to "what are you doing outside of school/work?" I am watching a lot of youtube, occasionally some netflix and sometimes sneaking in a book. I am not writing. I occasionally draw something. But surfing the internet and youtube is kind of the big thing.
Coping: Some positive and negative coping strategies in place. Not sure what I can do, or should do to fix.
Things I am thinking a lot about:
State of the world (why is it so fucked?)
US elections (Trump)
My inability to do anything politically worthwhile
My low level of comfort around people/ low motivation to engage
My regrets related to past relationships and not being able to support people
(newest Lacey's wedding, oldest Krystin, Chris, Ali)
How poorly designed everything is, and whether I need to be in macro to fix shit.
How poorly organized my life is.
How easy it would be to fix shit if people just stepped out of the way.
How I want to be a writer, but don't believe I am capable of succeeding/also that I want to be involved in something more social as well.
It would be difficult to have a relationship, a family, or kids right now... and yet I don't see my life being very worthwhile with out these components.
How I want more time to play video games, read books, and write.
How I am mostly dissatisfied with my relationships, and my social skills (likely because of my anxiety), and that if I got out of my own way, I might be more happy.

Specter of October

Its a gray sky day, the orange leaves accent the abysmal with their fire, but as the light fades it's easy to feel the gloom. 

It's easy to imagine the warmth of another person, pressing their fingers into the too tightly held flesh of my shoulders, it's easy to imagine my own fingers interlaced in her hair, as familiar as the warmth rising from the cup of coffee I sip, the smell of some long lost home. 

It's easy to think of the past, with regret, with adoration, with longing for the laughter, that heartfelt jubilance that comes with knowing someone well enough to enjoy their laughter, their knowing eyes smiling back. 

It's easy to recognize the changes, the distances, the unshared experiences like a mountain path winding back and forth making that which is permitted (welcomed even) too formidable to grovel-through. 

It's easy to know what is missing, easy to feel the sway, the drifting nervousness that accompanies all ventures when one is as anchor-less as I. 

and it's easy to smirk at other people's attempts to cut through the cloud that binds me, that swirls and drapes, and shadows all light, masks me with indecision, marks me inconsiderate, and fragments my strengths as the anxiety of distance permeates each capillary, bloodied me other. 

I guess all I am saying is, I didn't need to dress myself up to be a ghost this halloween.