Today today

I went to bed late last night, like 5 am this morning... I was working on some additions to the book - which has felt very slug like lately. Basically I am trying to add in more description and help the story not jump so much, but it requires a lot of intention, and a little less creative abstract spark.

I woke up to a dream in which I had become a serial murderer and committed suicide rather than being punished or rewarded for my efforts. It was a weird very vivid dream, and I remember carving through my skin and opening up the veins in my wrist.  Also not knowing whether I should lock the door (certain death) or leave it unlocked and allow the possibility that someone might find me and save my life. 

When I woke up, I thought about how fucked up the dream was but felt attracted both by the vivid fantasy of it, and also by the sense of direction. Even in the dream I wasn't necessarily happy with the choice but I was following through with something, I was hurting people, I didn't want to excuse my actions, but I didn't want to pretend like I was someone else... I was just doing it. 

I tried to go back to sleep and succeeded, and stayed in bed till nearly  three pm. 

I was listening to best friends forever while I walked around the lake. The two girls sound so confident in their strangeness. Like "this is who I am!" Even if that makes me weird, love this!

Then I was watching all these people play Pokemon go, and considered whether I would enjoy that, meeting new people that way or whether I would meet them, have awkward conversation and then wish I could get away. 

Then after I was walking I was thinking a lot about the people I've basically rejected out of my introversion. How I've chosen to suppress some of my empath traits, or maybe reacted by covering them up and finding ways to block them... Like the opposite of aspergers.  

While I was thinking about it, I realized that there are tons of little social cues that I pick up on but completely choose to ignore or reject or even get frustrated with. 

Then I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw pictures of a person's birthday party for their kid, and thought -why the fuck would anyone choose to do that? Like have a big party and invite lots of people and be responsible for everyone's happiness...

Which made me wonder if I had kids would I make them socially awkward by having all these social hang ups. By questioning people's complacency and their buying in behaviors, their choice to play Pokemon Go, their choice to buy juice drinks and go to a trendy yoga studio and brag about these things. Their yuppy life, or their artsy life, or their model life, or their sporty life, or their activist life, or their social work life.

So anyway I guess the point of this is that I've been feeling very different from other people lately. Been feeling like I understand their behaviors and responses, but don't relate to them- and definitely don't feel they understand or relate to mine, or maybe that they see it but don't share/support it.