All I've been doing for weeks is watching Netflix.
On the way home I was struggling... The other day I didn't go to this event I was interested in because I didn't want to interact with people. Like specifically social anxiety, kept me from doing something, and on the way home I was trying to think of any person who I would feel comfortable hanging out with at the moment and couldn't think of anyone.
Go to a movie? Sure.
Hang out? I don't think so.
I was in a terrible mood, already in pain, uncomfortable because of the heat... But I was considering how often I feel uncomfortable these days when I am interacting with people. How one by one I've cut people out of my life, and then continued to push them away.
Sometimes I am aware that it is temporary or there is a cause, but not always.
Lately I've been wanting to write more than just my book, but I can't really do anything without pain. the doctor says it will heal if I allow it to.
One of the things I've been wanting to write is about the feelings of self pity, and anger I have towards some past relationships. I don't like where my heart is at, it seems pretty and short with people. It doesn't want to give.
But I think I have stalled on writing about it because I want to honor the true feelings, and I am not sure what is what.
Am I angry because I feel left out and left behind? Am I angry because I allowed myself to invest in people who never fully invested back? Am I angry because I don't have a purpose right now, and id see the world from a better perspective if I did? Am I angry because a few years ago I felt so proud, happy and lucky and now I feel so useless and cynical? Am I angry because other people let me down or because I can't figure out a way to help myself up?
What is it in me that is acting out all this hurt? And what am I supposed to do? And how?
My inner self seems to be matching with the world. I called my mom last week and told her how close I was to depression, she was saying that there were all these dark things in my book that matched the world right now, and I said sure, but they match me right now.
I feel hopeless. Needy. Useless. And I don't know what I have to contribute that won't make me feel worse. I see the world in a way that makes me feel like no matter what I do, it will never be enough. And it makes me want to carve out a chunk for myself and shut the world off. At the same time, I am so angry that people do that. That we collectively have decided to do that.
I am unhappy and the only thing I can think to change that is a relationship, but some days I can barely stand my own company let alone someone else. I also keep assuming that in a few months when school starts it will be better... New people, a structure, a purpose... And yeah maybe I will meet someone. But I've been telling myself these things for so long... And I feel exactly the same way I felt in high school, more experience, more sure that I am capable.... But for what?
I'm sick of myself.
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