Dream of maybes and aging?

I approached the crowd of people cautiously, I didn't understand the rules of the game, but i was interested. It seemed to involved throwing fruit at each other. I didn't want to get hit accidentally. 

I swarmed about between the lines of people casually tossing their apples and plums from hand to hand as they waited. Then something shifted, and I realized it was too late, the game was over. 

Much of the crowd dispersed and I looked for a friendly face.

I saw a girl I recognized but couldn't remember her name or anything. A life time ago she might have been a crush, but at this point she was a shared remembrance, but I knew no one else so I plopped myself down and pretended like we'd known each other our whole lives. I was in an extroverted kind of mood, I felt energized by the crowd. I started chatting with her, she seemed to be charmed by it, but I looked down at my hands and realized they were gross looking. Old dry cracked from washing too many dishes. 

A guy came up, looking for help. 

Laurel appeared and I figured I should probably hang with her instead of the strange one. The guy said something about popcorn and I realized they were setting up for a movie in the park -kin of thing. I went with him to be helpful and figures out how to get the popcorn going. Then I rummaged through someone's bathroom for lotion, but only found hair gel. I went into her room and saw an abundance of colorful stuff, all hair and makeup and accessories. Like tons of it. But no lotion. 

When I walked back I ran into Kt, she suggested I go with her so I did. She led me to a room where some people from high school were, Ashley and hallow and Jess. They were sharing candy and other things. I contributed and they made me feel very welcome. Then things started escalating, sexual tension turned into flirting and then coupling up. 

She flung herself into my lap, upside down, it was an awkward angle where all I saw was her stomach, but I kissed it anyway. 

Her skin began to loosen, small tufts of it like tabs pulling off. And I was disgusted but I didn't want her to know.  

4:19 am

Today I woke up late, walked to bad waitress, then to spyhouse. Reread some Rumi. Re-read some only notes, stories, dreams, poems and blog posts. Listened to some girls have an annoying conversation. Wondered if maybe I shouldn't try - or rather put weight on trying to make my life or this world something better... Like maybe it's ok, and I just need to learn to live. Added to some chapters in the book. Ate dinner. Returned to spyhouse and read some more Rumi. Walked home and listened to some music, wrote some more, watched the gop debate. Fell asleep. Woke up, considered the world, my life, my writing. The perpetual anxiety of trying to make something of it all.  Want to sleep, but head keeps swirling, whirling dervishing away. 

How math ruins plans (two weeks ago)

The other day my dad started talking about a business venture, he was trying to say that it wasn't a good idea, but when he originally mentioned it he said it like it was positive -- so I tried to crunch the numbers with him and it ended up seeming like a raw deal. We discussed some of the factors that come into play, such as opportunity costs, tax breaks and tax disensentives. 

It's 4:30 AM and I am having a hard time justifying the idea of grad school. It's the upfront cost that bothers me. $42,000 for two years tuition, but also an expectation that I won't be able to work full time (and possible even part time during that two years). 

The social work jobs pay roughly equal to teaching jobs without the steps that the unions guarantee. So... Back to non-profit work in which i take payouts while the admin gets bonuses. 

Let's say the whole two years actually costs me 70,000. It's not unreasonable I've heard lots of people have that kind of debt. 

So I know in my last job I was able to save about 5,000 a year... So that's 14 years plus interest. Assume (and I sure do hope that this the case) that I have a family during this time - and it becomes double that. This is 14-25 years of paying  off monthly loans while working jobs that are incredibly difficult. This is 14-25 years without traveling, major purchases etc. 

14-25 years of the stress of obligation. 

I am lucky enough to have some money on the side that might clear this up, but the risk is that I use the money and never earn it back, basically making my kids poorer, making them have to take on the college debt etc.

The positives of the degree:

New area of opportunity/different jobs

Credentials to add to my experience

New area of study/deepening knowledge

Time with likeminded people

Investment in myself as a community member/caregiver

License to practice private counseling (eventually)

Both my parents turn 60 this year. One is struggling financially more than the other despite the fact they have the same degree(also the degree I'd be getting). A lot of the difference comes from family background not choices. 

My mother has turned her degree into a private business, she is very successful. She's been working in the field for decades and didn't start the private practice until halfway, and didn't invest in it fully until less than 10 years ago. 

I assume a lot of her success has been through building the contacts and earning a solid reputation in the field - which takes time. 

I guess what I am wondering is, is this actually a good investment. Or would my time, money and energy be better spent elsewhere? 

And how do I know?