thoughts are scary

At work it is often my job to coax young people into recognizing their abilities and seeing themselves as larger or better than they are.  Sometimes this seems like an incredible leap for them. This idea of changing their reality. Sometimes the simple act of having someone tell them something positive that they don't recognize in themselves -moves them to tears. 
The most common response is denial or numbness... but one of the reactions that always gets to me is fear.  My students often react with fear to new situations, new expectations and it is like a rule of thumb that if you give a kid too much praise they will start self-sabotaging.

Tonight I was eating TacoBell and I was thinking about how the workers have to adjust my order, and how I wouldn't even bother trying it if they didn't get it right.
Then I was thinking of all the things on the menu that aren't even food to me.
Then I did a quick thought experiment "what would it be like, if you weren't a picky eater?"   within seconds I was teary eyed. 
There are certain parts of your self concept, that though limiting at least give you a set of boundaries... my first reaction was "How freeing,  I would feel so free, so limitless." and then almost instantly I became scared... what would that even mean?
What does it mean that I feel so "limited" now?

and my head cycled through a half dozen of these boundaries that I have always lived with... these mental manifestations that have set boundaries on my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, relationships and way of seeing the world... and wow. To be free of that?  I don't remember ever being "free" of that, that is who I am.   I'd lose myself... who would I be without my neurosis setting limits. 

Today I laughed at myself after saying some things in front of people... I said "I need some wet wipes"  out loud because it was the primary thought in my brain... and I didn't think about people's reactions or whether that comment mattered... and I just started laughing at myself.  People asked whats up... and I said "sometimes I remind myself how weird I am"  to which a student responded so you bend over and laugh?  and it made me even more aware of my physical manifestation... the behaviors of hiding, of sheltering of protecting. Her awareness *not scrutiny, punctuated the point.   My students talk about being outsiders, and I fit with them so easily... because I am.  I don't have to be recognized that way... but I don't know how to see myself any other way. I don't know what I would be if I was "normal" its never been part of my self concept.

That is not to say, there aren't parts of my life that are extremely within the normal range. And I have grown to recognize and appreciate them for that. I don't need to be an outsider, or prove it in every regard. I don't need to worry or be angst ridden because of it...

But its funny, in trying to think of the most benign of my neurosis, I run into this wall... it makes me really grateful for the people in my life who have accepted and supported me despite the inconveniences and the weirdness. 

Its just weird.  Its incredible. Its funny. This is the way I function, and I know no other way. I don't see the possibility to coax a new reality.
but if I had any other way of experiencing the world -I don't know that I would choose them anyway.  it would be such a relief, like it moves me to tears right now thinking of the relief... but then what?






Dreams

I napped.


I was sitting down at a sort of diner, Alexis was across from me, someone to my right, someone friendly and yet I had no interest in them at all.  Someone was to her left, a friend of hers. The person she actually came to see. We were all friendly. I was excited to be there... I felt... accepted.  I asked her how it felt to be a mom. She said she wanted to get back to it as soon as possible. The tension changed. I asked what was up, she said "Oh its taken over my life, this whole proceeding..."  I looked for more answers, her friend said that they had it all wrong and it would be over soon.  Someone had falsely accused her of hurting the child.   Even the video that was being used as evidence clearly showed that she hadn't done anything wrong.  (because it was a dream I saw the video, of this young mother playing with her child, doing the things mothers do, being nurturing and caring and cute)  but it was this damn hyper sensitive culture that took everything to the extreme. Allegations had to be checked out, and it had been a traumatic few weeks of separation and she was feeling sad and somewhat desperate to get back to being a parent. My problems seemed so far away.

I asked to be excused, I went to the buffet line and they didn't have any plates, I used two bowls or small plates... when I returned it was a different group of people. It seemed worked related. I was happy I got so much food I wanted. No one else seemed to be eating. 

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My coworker and I walked into a bar. It wasn't a particularly dirty or grungy bar, it was a brightly lit sports bar... but with some class. There were people everywhere but it seemed like it was only 11:00 Am. We sat down at a high table... and scanned the room. There were at least 3 of our students pretending not to see us. We started openly talking about the situation. A woman overheard us and confirmed parts of the story. Yes a group of teens had been coming to the bar for the last few months. Yes they were being served. Yes everyone acted like they weren't teens.  
We started talking without the woman about the situation and what to do about it. She broke in again... the reason no one does anything is because they sell everyone weed. 
We weren't sure what to do... no one in the bar wanted to look at us... they were all staring at the tv screens. Some local sports team was on the brink of getting into the playoffs, but people didn't really care, they just didn't want to face the reality of the situation. The team lost. 
the people looked down.