slowly shrinking

Its sad that my reaction to people moving on... is wishing people would post more on facebook or other websites so I could keep in touch without actually keeping in touch.

heart hotel

Yesterday I was thinking a lot about my heart, in some ways I feel like its the only thing I really know... in other ways it is a complete mystery to me. I began to imagine it as a sort of hotel. I don't know how big this hotel is, how many rooms it has, its constantly surprising to me... but there are some things that are for certain. Some of the rooms are filled with folks traveling through, short and long term stays welcome, but these folks will make their presence known for a night or for a few hundred and then pass on leaving room for the next guest. Other rooms seem permanent, my family for instance seems to have some really random rooms scattered throughout the hotel and they seem to have the right to do as they please within the confines of the hotel. Sometimes they knock down walls, shrink and enlarge their domain. Sometimes they get locked into their rooms for long periods of time without anyone noticing, but they are still there.  Sometimes they cause a commotion and the whole building gets shaken up...  there are more rooms, that seem to have a time and place.  For instance that girl that one night at Pete's house who told me about her religion. I don't understand why she is still around, I can barely find that room, but sometimes I stumble upon it and I go oh yeah she existed...I only met her once, but she has a room somewhere. Same with a few others, its not that I see them anymore but they still have a spot and it seems like it only fades slightly with time... childhood friends, for instance may have a spot but it seems like it has been under construction for a long time... so maybe eventually it will reopened for someone new.  Then there are the permanent rooms, the rooms for the people that I loved, and love, and though I sometimes have to make adjustments to the size of these rooms, they are here to stay... I know those rooms. I make a habit of walking down their halls on the regular, check to see if the lights on, to see if the room is warm etc.  These rooms are comfortable, I do whatever it takes to keep them comfortable, always ready for their return.  There are rooms I have had to open up because someone came in out of the rain and needed a place to stay, and also rooms where someone popped in and made my little hotel a more charming place.  There are the rooms that had catastrophes in them, and the rooms where miracles occurred. There are the rooms I don't go to because I am embarrassed -but they are still there because they are part of who I am... and there are rooms that I know are there but I still don't know who they belong to.  These are the people I am looking for, the ones with keys that will one day swoop in and unlock some piece of my hotel that holds some secret I don't know about... and I am waiting. Trying to keep the place looking nice, warm, comfortable... keeping the lights on to guide them in.   

Meh

I don't really know what it is exactly... maybe allergies sweeping in to rob me of my thoughts and tempt my eyes to close. Maybe its the weather, the barometric pressure causing my body to want to hide and find shelter under the covers. Maybe its just exhaustion, weeks of stress and emotional draining...  Maybe its depression, or just grieving. 

I have a thought, a dream, a plan... it vanishes, leaves me sleepy. 

I have a desire, a fantasy, a motivation... it vanishes, leaves me sleepy.

I don't really know what to do. Its not getting in the way of my normal daily routines... work is fine. But I am not really enjoying much, not really wanting to do the things I find myself doing. 

I wish I could. I would like to enjoy conversations and music, I'd like to appreciate things. I'd like to be creative and passionate... but when I try to put myself in a place to be/do that... I just get sleepy. 

How annoying



good work is happening at the capital this week.
 I want to run away. 

Saturday night may o '13

Lacey told me tonight she is probably moving to Texas in a few weeks. I wasn't surprised entirely because she has been thinking about it, but I didn't know it would be so soon. That's before the school year is even over... meaning I won't even have time to think about it too much.

She asked me when I'd be able to go down, or rather if I would want to... I told her maybe in the fall, but that this summer I better go on with the things I was thinking about for me.  Maybe Philadelphia in June, and maybe Ireland in July?
Who knows though...

I am not sure what or how to think about that right now... I am not overwhelmed with it, but it will change things. Its funny to think how quick a friendship can begin and become such a main part of your life.  Or how quickly that can change.

I have been wanting to write a lot lately, but I haven't known what to write.
I have been thinking about all the various things in my life... the themes of my personal life, the systems and institutions I have embedded myself within, the society at large... but I wish I could think about other stuff... something more creative or adventurous.
Like the other night I thought about becoming a wandering street healer... first I would study various kinds of healing, acupressure, reiki, some holistic stuff, some spiritual shaman stuff... you know all the miraculous and natural.  Then I would plop myself down on a busy thoroughfare and offer my services. I'd perform it like an act so people wouldn't get offended if I didn't cure their cancer... but the majority of it would probably work to some extent... people need good energy and connection and not much else right?  I could give people some time and attention and they would feel better and tip me a few bucks here and there.

Two of my roommates might be moving out. One to a new house he is buying, and one to Oregon.  Times they are a changing.
`Could be some dramatic changes at work next year too if things go right...

i dunno this is boring. my computer is acting weird and im not impressed  with any of this writing.