1:39

I was driving, trying to figure out how to see you. I'm not really sure if we were here or there, but I knew the layout. It reminded me of  south St Paul near where my Grandma used to live.  I was driving, trying to figure out how to see you, when you appeared, it was 7 AM and for some reason you were out running in the dull morning light. 

Headed for the coffee shop, near as I could tell. That made sense, and I drove by trying to figure out how to meet you there. 

When I did, I remember being confused in the coffee shop, as to why they were making me buy a pound of coffee and further more why its cost was so exorbitant. My total bill was $45 dollars or so, and you had already paid, so I was getting nervous that you would leave before I had the opportunity to really talk. 

When I left the shop, my heart ached, I had lost you. I circled around and the area, it was still dark and gloomy out. When I was ready to give up, I turned back to head to my car and you were there under a great big pine tree, the branches of which covered you from the outside world, or at least from those who weren't seeking.

Lying down, outstretched drinking coffee, there was something immediately noticeable, you hadn't slept, maybe we had already discussed this, but it wasn't the kind of "I didn't get any sleep last night" but rather the "I have been intentionally not sleeping for days" and it bothered me, but I was desperate. 

I asked, and you said you had been up all night in the workshop. 

Yes, making art, excited, impassioned, you and your husband to be had spent all night self righteous and creative. It was hard to talk to you in this circumstance, because my mind had judged the situation and found it...neglectful. 

Its rare that you aren't super sensitive when you haven't slept, and this was no different. A slip of the tongue and I would be pounced on, or rather left.

Neglectful like your skinny frame,your exhausted body, your mind that can't keep a thought still. Conversations are hard without the ability to maintain focus, so we jump from topic to topic.

Your art?  what is it?

And she suddenly remembers a memory that had never existed (and probably doesn't) making pottery as a child with her father.  But in this story your father has passed, so I ask, "do you miss him?"  an unfathomable question in times past, and even in this line, you brush it off, but for a moment, I saw something like caring in your vision of him. I could tell you would leave me soon, I wasn't sure how to stop it. I was trying my best to avoid all the hard topics, but your instability was written in your wandering eyes. And as if to run, before you could, my eyes decided to open.

Between me and you 6000 page views

Hard to know what to write on these heavy hot days. They say we might have broken a record. 

I saw a picture on fb from Ingrid that looked like a sand storm, and wondered why people in the south aren't freaking out about global climate change.  Storms, drought, fire, yall are getting hit harder than the rest of us.
 

Lacey's art

Lacey at the Walker Art center

Art by Lacey and I

Pride was wonderful. It may have been one of the best continual experiences I have had in a weekend... meaning I was there for something like 20 hours and almost the whole time I felt good. Like really positive, excited, happy. Even when the bugs were out, even when the sun was hot, I only left because we had 4 people during one of the afternoon shifts and I felt like I should give someone else the opportunity to enjoy it.  It was different tabling. I felt purposeful. I felt like I was part of the event, not just visiting. I felt like I had something to offer, not just take. 

me looking dorky

And offer.... man people loved our stuff. I actually created the majority of the stuff myself so it felt really good to get that feedback. I can't wait to see bumper stickers around town... I look for them.

I stole a yard sign. Its a suggested $10 donation, but I feel like I have given a lot to this campaign, time, energy and money.

Speaking of money... Before writing this I was contemplating Argentina, Uruguay, Chile, Brazil.  I only have a couple of weeks... I don't think I should do it... but I want to escape. Would it be better to put it off? To take a longer trip, maybe see all of South America in 6 months or something?  Maybe when my job falls apart. I know if we were going strong, my coworkers would accept it... they'd let me go, but I can't just yet.   Two weeks doesn't seem like enough time to see a continent. 

If I go for two weeks, I will basically have to choose 4-5 cities and call it a trip.

What else...

The summer schedules

Summer school is going really well. We only have 20 students and it is sort of perfect. Full time staff of 3 but Victoria is tied up in meetings several days of the week. There is down time, it is chill. There is real learning going on.  Almost no drama. The other two made lunch for the students today. We are going to a movie on Friday. We get out of school so early that I feel like I have a whole day left. I take naps, I plan other shit. Its too bad a school has to have math and science teachers... we could just have a social studies/english school. Kids would learn how to speak and argue and write and critically think and act. Who needs math?

Well it is a 11:00 on a sticky night... and I am sick of thinking and caring.

So shove off.

Jared's plants

right

I'm sitting at a dunn bros in Roseville. I drove up here intending to get here early and meet a friend for dinner and movie later, but then we changed plans based on movies schedules and now I will need to hightail it to Richfield and Edina...

but I am not worried about that.

I just finished Mockingjay the third in the Hunger Games series and had to hold back the tears. Its hard to finish a book once you have become attached to the characters.

I'm sitting staring at this girl's feet across from me. She is also leaning into a laptop and reading periodically, but I am staring at her feet because they are orange... tan. Maybe its the lighting, but her sandal style shoes only cover part of her foot and the part that is uncovered looks orange and is accented by pink toe nail polish and the contrast between the orange/pink and her black shoes and pants is so strong...

And it makes me realize how different all of our lives are for some reason. yet the same right? like shes sipping on a strawberry smoothie like the one I had earlier in the day, and we are sitting in the same coffee shop and both doing the same activities, and both talked on the phone.

and yet I feel like a conversation with her would be about things of which I have no understanding...

She left. 

I'm trying to organize and figure out my two biggest daily concerns... 

Are we putting on a a series of events that no one wants? or are we doing something new and invigorating?

The question could be directed at both work and the other work...

Someone praised me today for checking in with a few people... I guess the week was successful.

Tomorrow I am volunteering at a fun benefit. I hope it goes according to plan, that I don't screw up and also that it isn't too hot.

Last night I met with Russ and felt fairly certain that the world could be magical... at a certain point my mood turned slightly, but I still expected great things. I guess that is how I go through life, expecting.

Endings and beginnings

This week has been eventful.

A funeral that celebrated Life

A graduation that celebrated accomplishment 

A wedding, a union, a new beginning

They were all good. We sent the old away with loving remembrance, and encouraged the new to meet its potential.

I have never been to a wedding without mixed feelings until tonight.

Sure I was uncomfortable, as I normally am. I even snuck out early, but it just felt right. I watched James and Julie dancing and singing together and they looked so full of joy that it was hard to even imagine not being ok with this. 

In a few months I think I will be attending another wedding. I don't know what it will look like, but I am already planning on sneaking out early. 

Thinking bout weddings,
James and Julie asked me to do a reading, with pizazz
I have been practicing.

Thinking about integrity
how to stay true to my own values
and to my self

Thinking bout weddings,
My Dad had asked, guilt tripped, I wept
through the whole ceremony

Thinking about integrity
I love you, is this love,
or needless sacrifice

Thinking bout weddings,
I don't WANT to make it,
it hurts me to hear you ask.

Thinking about integrity...



I am not really sure where I stand these days... I used to believe in self sacrifice, but I did so believing that the relationship had time to repair, that I was strong enough, that we were. So what happens when you don't have a guarantee of rebuilding? When it comes down to my heart vs their heart.

You shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you

Its been quite an intense last few weeks.
I bought the second and third in the hunger games series tonight because I figure I owe myself a little relaxing easy reading.
People are concerned about me, its weird, I'm doing well.
School and SoT and friendships and family stuff are all over the place.
My coworkers got in a fight today and there was some cursing.
Maybe because everything feels chaotic I am comfortable being a little more  forgiving of myself.

I really want some candy and an iced beverage of some sort, but I have actually done really well these last few weeks without it. Its hard to go to movies without an icee and a snack, hard to not have dessert, and not to munch on candy during evals, and not to add an extra table spoon of sugar to my coffee, but it feels nice too to set a goal and follow through.

I haven't done as well with the exercising piece. Sometimes I am too tired, sometimes it just seems boring to work out.

I've been cat sitting Jess' cat Casio for a few weeks, it has been really nice. 

I feel like a lot of the cool or interesting things going on in my life are not things I can write about on here. I don't want people coming to this website and learning about my students, or things, but at the same time when your life is not for the public, what do you blog about?

These are from two years ago