I think my shirt smells


I had a dream about a baby last night, later it turned into a kitten.   Is it just a Christmas dream or is one of yall preggers?

Headed to my moms for Christmas afternoon. Didn't do a good job with presents, feeling kind of weird about it.

Supposed to see like 4-5 people in the next few days, we shall see.

Oh so tired...

Sorry about the bad breath Katie S, everyone seems to be a close talker lately. 

I am exhausted, I didn't get much sleep this weekend. Staying up late and waking up early... my normal time to recuperate was  not satisfied.  I was feeling it today, after school I felt like I could fall asleep at our after school meeting.

Everything has been tense and hectic, like a potential fight around each corner at work. 

Its mirrored in the staff, which is sad and not going to work, the 4 of us just work too well together to be hindered... and we all resent it.

SoT is going well, we all finally sat down for our leadership council to talk through what exactly the council is for, what we are responsible for and why these jobs need to get done. There is no way we will pick up all the pieces of what a paid organizer could do... but we will try to get some structure in place.

I am in charge of social media, outreach through it, training people into using it, and keeping things up to date. 

I may have to start bringing my laptop to meetings so I can change things on the spot.

When I got home last night an old friend of a friend was here. It was really nice to see him. Hes still hilarious and goofy and kind of brilliant in a way that doesn't create a hierarchy. Anyway it was nice to recognize the existence in the flesh of a person that I sometimes wonder about.

Listening to Spirits of the Red City.  Wondering who my next crush should be. 

I wonder how often i mention crushes in conjunction with that band... like the ratio has got to be like 3/5 of the time. Funny I don even know em.

Work is so weird... its like you work and work and work and hope that things get better but they just get harder. When you do too much the students do too little, when they don't do enough you have to be more strict about what is acceptable. 

I have a speaker coming tomorrow and its making me nervous. Its the last day of classes and one of them I am completely unprepared for. I told the students they all had to do a graphic novel (minimum one page), I tend to do one too, but my perfectionism is getting in my way. Whenever I do projects I try to show students an example of the kind of quality I am looking for... but sometimes I am just not feeling it.

I think its so weird... being exhausted at work... being totally stressed out, you would think I'd be preparing to relax over break... but today I started plotting different projects that I wanted to get done for work... like familiarizing myself with dreamweaver the software for the webpage, and finding someone to write a newsletter as an internship. 

These are the kind of projects that make me feel like I accomplished something more than just the bare minimum... and lately I feel like we are barely getting by.

I'm sort of frustrated because there are these friends that have asked me to check in with them more often, but when I do I don't always get great responses... I don't always get responses at all. They say they miss me and want to be closer, but seem to be asking me to move in their direction instead of meeting together. 

Really hard to know where to put the little amount of energy I have.

Laurel's retirement party was probably the best party I have ever been to. 

I even talked to mr King, which is weird because I was under the impression we were going to ignore each others' presence for the rest of our lives. 

Maybe Emily will come teach Japanese and I can invite one of our old students to come in and act as an assistant. We need more positive influence around school. 

but yeah I am looking forward to a break...  I want to read and draw, and write and feel like I can write...

I want to see some folks, play some games, feel like I have some energy and sleep... sleep and dream a whole bunch. 

Sleep alone...

I need to learn how to be ok with not controlling everything. This is like one of the themes of my life.
Its hard though, when I was younger I felt like everything was so out of control that I had to put it back together. Then as a teenager when things were out of control I tried to gain control by hurting myself. Then as a traveler I tried to realize that I didn't have control -so I needed to be able to rely on the smallest things and trust in the universe... and then in college and summer jobs I realized by trying really hard I could control my surroundings and that people responded rather positively to me trying to take control.
As a teacher I am told that i must control a classroom. That if things are out of control it is my fault. Also that if students fail it is probably likely due to me as well... and when staff fail that's my fault too. So I have to have control over those things...Or when I invite speakers in and it doesn't go according to my expectations that of course is my fault... and when there are problems in my family that of course is my fault... and when I am too overwhelmed to deal with my friends that is my fault, and when my friends are too overwhelmed that of course is my fault, and when I like someone that is my fault (and they don't like me), and when someone likes me (and I don't like them) that is my fault.   

So much desire for control...
my dreams lash out sometimes... that's part of why I love them.
In them I sometimes act on the things I know I wouldn't actually act on... but even there I have the desire to control.

I dunno... maybe I need a bit more Taoism, or Buddhism, a little more go with the flow, a little more don't attach to the material.

Probably need to take a break from all the being in charge stuff... winter break is only a week away.

http://clickflashwhirr.me/



The human face is so interesting. In some ways it doesn't even look like her at times.

Saw the Muppet movie tonight with Alicia, and it lived up to expectations.
I feel like I have a lot on my plate right now between work and SoT and friends and roommates. I don't really want to drop the ball on any of it, but its also like 11:30 and I want some me time. I am hoping tomorrow I can take some time to do some writing or thinking or something.

Just found these guys, I like it.
The first is rather touching, a piece from Les Miserables a very touching song in itself, but there is something to the idea of a soldier coming home that makes it a little more momentous.
We had a soldier in our office today in uniform. Automatically there is a weird touch to the air when someone is in uniform. Its all the heaviness it caries with it.



This is a song we used to sing in jr high choir.
I always regret not taking that more seriously. I can't even remember which songs I had solos on anymore. I wonder if this was one of them.




I hope you are doing well. I am thinking of many people right now. Also spending a lot of time meditating.

Whats it been a week?

I woke up to snow and the sun setting at 4:30 PM
Saturdays are my only day to sleep in and clearly I took advantage of it.
Funny now its 12:37 AM and I am ready for bed so I must have needed it.

Life has been
work: going well
SoT: also going well
Close friends and roommates: going well but not satisfied.

and them's the breaks.


I like that someone I was having a dream about visited this site at roughly the same time, that's just funny.
I was explaining to a group of people in the dream that I hadn't had sex in 5 years.
They seemed alarmed and bewildered.

When I am older I will likely look back on this time of my life as a strange lull in that department... or the beginning of my being a monk.

There was a scene in the movie I just watched where a young teenager is basically offered sex by his female friend. She is waiting naked for him, and he puts his face in his hands and is totally uncomfortable.

I feel like that is how I would respond right now to any situation in which that sort of thing was involved and yet my fantasy life is abundant.

-in the morning the female character sort of thanks him and asks him not to tell anyone.