If I were a musician I would play this every night







but in case you are


http://new-my-piano.blogspot.com/2009/10/explosions-in-sky-your-hand-in-mine.html

Well I went to a movie today, did laundry and finished two books that I'd been meaning to get to.

The first was A Different Mirror by Ronald Takaki

****** Interruption*********

Well some people got mugged outside my house, so I had to stop writing and call the police and offer them a spot to rest for a bit. They are still here but I feel weird watching them wait for their parents. Makes me realize how vulnerable you are when you don't have a phone or keys or a wallet.

******End of interruption****

Anyway back to something far less interesting...
so I finished that book, which I had been reading on and off for about a year.
I found it to be a wonderful read, great insights and depth into a range of topics in US history that I often only have a shallow understanding of.

So then I still had like 30 minutes left on my 6 load of laundry, so I started reading the Hidden Teachings of Jesus, which I had stopped for a bit because I got a little turned off from it. It started great, got a little weird for me, and ended sort of in-between. It is a very challenging read to any mainstream Christian, but at times an even more challenging read to westerners/atheists etc.

The whole book is about love, mercy, compassion etc... but at different times the author criticizes environmentalists, democracy and socialism, even charity work is sometimes questioned.
The point according to the author is to live into the spirit of Christ, the spirit of the Kingdom of God... which is anti-material world (kind of like Buddhism) and anti human kingdoms.  If we are to be un-judging, selfless, forgiving and of God, we most transcend and give up our human rules, politics, hierarchies and even our modesty.

I guess the hardest parts for me is when the author criticizes all of these ideas that I and most of tend to think are great... but later he sort of clarifies that it isn't that they are bad, just misleading. According to the author, though they bring about good things, they misunderstand the importance, or the direction they should go in.
For instance he says that the world is created with abundance so it is faulty to spend your time trying to save the planet, when what is really needed is to recognize and stop the over-consumption and greed that cause environmental disasters. He believes that these cannot be stopped through better and better technology but must be stopped through spiritual practices such as taking vows of poverty (like monks)... if the culture pushed poverty, rather than over-consumption we would see that all people are fed enough (not some too much and others too little).

In many ways I find these arguments convincing. When Pete asked me what I wanted to do with Spirit of Truth to change the world I said, I want to change the culture to one that loves... I want people to buy into the spirit of love and truth and good, rather than all the other things...
but does buying into this spirit mean giving up on politics and directly changing peoples lives (as the author seems to think is necessary?)

I guess I will get to think about that some more.
One thing I did appreciate is that it really calls out my shallow side.

While reading I started thinking about how shallow I am. Both when it comes to me and when it comes to others. I am very very into looks (even if I don't always show it). The author at one point talks about the trouble with sensory stimuli, emotions, etc... they cause us to judge. I like the way this looks, I don't like the way this looks, this music stirs me, this music doesn't.... he warns us that judging is the role of God and no one else... but I am such a creature of sensation. I love to look at people, and when I feel good everyone looks good, but when I feel bad oh I am the worst judge.

I worry that I have become too desirous of beauty... it is a symptom they say of voyeurs like me, that they become shallow about what they consider beautiful. Have I?   yes  I think...   and it plays into all the doubts about myself as well.

I also thought of the importance of pilgrimage and wondered if maybe I should go on a walkabout. Let my hair become snarled and wear the same clothes day in day out. Keep with me only holy words, and see only holy visions. Maybe one day be a prophet (tempted to rhyme here)...

The other day I started considering not ever having children... which is something that makes me sort of sad... but also I feel like I would never have enough time or energy or patience or money.

Explosions in the Sky is amazing says nova and I agree.

 I saw a picture of Alexis tonight, overwhelmed with the notion, I love her sense of possibility.

I know its hard for you to understand

-like its hard for me to understand when you question what is in front of you.

Is a chair a chair or isn't it?

and I wonder why you are calling yourself a chair

but I do understand past my impish smile, these are the worries caused by those chains deeply hidden... and I recognize myself in them now.

Recognize their grasp as the doubt that keeps me from moving forward,

cold digging shakes my frame,

piercing, so every dream is punctured,

and the dark ever enveloping, shroud of confusion, panic building.

and these are my outbursts, tears gathering at odd moments.

lack of comforting gestures, clenched responses -held like shoulders and teeth grinded

arms crossed and hunched over

so that everything returns to the child's pose

Along with the Modest Mouse

I am such a stalker.

I have a hard time getting over things obviously.

Its hard for me to know what to say or do, I am pretty much completely out of touch with these people, and yet on the daily I want to know how they are. When presented the opportunity to talk, I don't. When I perceive hints dropped, I don't want to overly presume, whats in a picture? We all like desserts. 

This week is official testing and I am in charge and it is scary... but soon over. This is usually the most stressful time of the school year for me.

Last week I was supposed to post on the Spirit of Truth Blog, but I had writers block, or creativity block or something -so I didn't and have felt bad all week. I hope I don't start a trend of non posting.

This week we are having a big event on Sunday. It will be a SoT lead action against Cub Foods on behalf of cleaning workers and be the kickoff of a campaign called Receipts for Rights... a show of economic power to get Cub to think about helping the cleaning workers out.

Yesterday I wrote a poem about how I can't trust my eyes in the mirror... its really sort of an awful thing. I mean there are times when I have such strong contempt for myself -its hard to get over. Other times I think I look really good. Other times I am confronted with these strange realities that in certain ways I am skinnier than skinny people... like unhealthy skinny but it doesn't look like it to me. Other times I find bits and pieces and my mind likes to draw imaginary dotted cut here lines... like the other day I was wondering what my arm would look like if it weren't there. Bits and pieces of soft roundness  I think is how I described it...

Well anyway... its sort of scary. Its really hard for me though because I feel like the problem with my body is that it is mismatched. Like my arms and legs are clearly too skinny and my frame is clearly too big... so what do I do? I can't gain weight in my limbs my body won't allow it...

Anyway... unhealthy thoughts. I am trying to process though, to realize that I can't really be trusted.

Its interesting to see how people change as they age. Some get extra layers and some shrink.

I owe the government 500 bucks... comcast a couple hundred, car insurance another 500... my credit card 800, my savings account about 1000. I am behind in all my goals for the year... but I had a really good trip so its all good. -maybe no trip this summer... maybe something local and cheap like camping.

Need to find a new place.

Need to find a new love.

Need to not judge.

"This is my gift to god! 

I'm jumpin' out the cake, 

naked with a shank!" 

~Sage Francis

I really enjoy manipulating and MS painting photos of myself. I have tried a few other people, but I don't feel comfortable posting those pictures.