I need to vent.

I am sorry if this bothers anyone or makes them uncomfortable.

I started having feelings for a friend of mine, or rather I had them, they started going away, and then they came back (somewhat). It really bothers me how I can be so interested in someone, or have such dynamic mood swings depending on how I am feeling about them (or they me). Normally this would mean that I should jump into a relationship or something right? I mean, I must have feelings for them if they affect me that much... but those feelings aren't really all that permanent and even more... I am so scared of it not working out that its hard to even consider it... I mean if I feel this bad when I am worried about our friendship not working, than how would I deal if we dated and it didn't work.

So then she says she likes me... and I am not sure how to take that... because it could mean she wants to date, or it could mean she wants to stay friends, or it could mean she wants nothing to do with me... because perhaps it isn't worth the trouble.

So the one thing I am learning again... is that relationships are not easy.
In all honesty I don't have plans to make this any more than a friendship because I am too scared to do anything else but when I told her these fears she said we should talk about it later.

Now I feel like an idiot.
At the same time, I see so much potential in the idea that relationships grow out of people acting like an idiot (being vulnerable) and the other person not only NOT rejecting them, but supporting or forgiving them.

I just needed to vent.
I feel like a 4 year old... and I am entirely sure that those dreams I have been having are 100% about this situation and I knew that when they happened but I didn't want to say it because that would give it even more gravity.

I don't like feeling out of control and being weightless and gravitating towards these bipolar feelings certainly doesnt feel like being in control.

I spent the evening chasing some girl around in my dreams. In a hasty maneuver I jumped into the water and she followed. We swam to each other, embraced and turned to watch the ship she loved turn so slowly, no one could deny it, watched it crash into the walls of the tunnel. Her beloved hand me down, the wooden hull splintering against the stone brick walls, dull red paint, light at the end of the tunnel reflected off the water and the darkness...
When we boarded the wreck that was her home again, I saw that it was my friends who had led it astray. Who had made the situation once bright splendid into a sinking despair.
They were drunk and could only say sorry. It wasn't enough and the woman transformed again as she had twice already as I held her. Her friend followed crying her into the other room and I was left, I could only yell at my friends, to shame them.

I woke up then.
These dreams have been intense lately. As if something is happening. As if it affects those around me and they it.
Someone always seems to fall in love and someone always seems to get hurt and I always feel like I am responsible.

Right before I woke up I had a dream about Alexis.
We were sitting side by side looking at a photo album filled with all her favorite pictures and events. So many looked unfamiliar, many were new and I had to concentrate to keep up with the explanations. At one point she said her friends helped her trim down the amount of pictures in the book, she said that was why there were so few that I had been a part of. When they were looking at them they decided that the fact that I took 10 times more pictures than a normal person meant that I would have an unfair advantage so they limited it to just a few. That didn't bother me, I was too busy enjoying her presence.
Then my alarm went off. I was disappointed and spent the next 15 minutes in bed, in the shower I decided I need to try harder to move on with my life... (like that thought doesn't occur to me everyday).