To false ceilings at restaurants that mask the air ducts and vents of the real ceiling.
Decorations and lighting at Tex Mex and Mexican restaurants, waitresses who don't speak English well, and do so in the softest of voices so as not to disturb the rowdy Americans. The seasoning on those potato wedges. The real Neapolitan Pizza at Punch that makes me a hypocrite when I say I don't like food and makes me sick within a day, but I eat it anyway. Books and books and books that remind me of my passion for learning and teaching. Jokes on philosophy, comic books, atlases and travel guides, languages and poetry, politics and advice, self help books and spiritual guides to life. "Dirt" and "Piper" and "Farmhouse" and "Sleep" songs that stand out on an already remarkable CD of beautiful songs, because they are simple and because they have heart. Spoken word poets who speak with conviction, speak with jokes and tears, speak like they love and care for more than you or I and certainly more than themselves, but for a humanity facing extinction, facing invisibility to their plight. Tires and breaks that catch when it seems like they should continue to slide. Fortunes (removed from tasty cookies) that brighten already bright days, offering hope with sincerity. Tattoos that offer glimmers into the torment and confusion of a mind that seems straightened by experience and time, that speaks with dignity in one hand and flirtation in the other. Tequila and Cerveza that loosens lips so that smiles with suburban gleaming teeth pull through, from strained grad school tightened faces. To a table rich with intelligence, luxury and camaraderie promising to learn humility with time. To angels who seem brighter every time I see her (both of them), who live and love the way it ought to be.
To shared past - and bright future masqueraded in decaying times.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
How I Could Just Kill A Man
With the bombing of Gaza and just finishing up a really good graphic novel about the war in Bosnia... I am tempted to say that maybe human nature really is so fucked up that power and destruction should not be seen as the exception to the rule.
We were discussing a friend's family troubles and how specifically her family was regarding the gay marriage issue as something worth fighting against (meaning gays shouldn't marry). I get angry now. I don't feel like I need to be polite. It seems so black and white. One acknowledges the humanity of people and one doesn't, but if even reasonable people cannot be moved to see the need to acknowledge, protect and support humanity.
Maybe cleaning up the map should be seen as acceptable.
Maybe the 1.5 million people in the Gaza Strip should just be moved or killed... cuz it would be easier to let things be than to fight for something better.
I don't and won't and can't accept this.
And if I ever do, you can trust that I am dead inside.
But I wonder if war captured my home, if I would be more willing to paint my fellow human as something less... like I start to see corrupt police as the enemy, rather than part of a corrupt system...
but there is nothing easy to fight there.
There is no bombing of a military recruiting station or corrupt police office (when no one is there of course). There is no grand scheme, uprising, coup, rebellion etc its all simply more complex. More waiting, more patience, more forcing yourself to love when you want to hate, more recognizing the humanity when you want to demonize, working past anger and outrage to find mutually beneficial partnership and hope.
No clean maps. No clean homes. Complicated. Complex. Diverse and harder...
and maybe someday we could see it might be all the more beautiful for the work. A complex pattern of color and feeling, ethnicity and language, sexuality and spirituality. It could be a beautiful thing, but not simple.
We were discussing a friend's family troubles and how specifically her family was regarding the gay marriage issue as something worth fighting against (meaning gays shouldn't marry). I get angry now. I don't feel like I need to be polite. It seems so black and white. One acknowledges the humanity of people and one doesn't, but if even reasonable people cannot be moved to see the need to acknowledge, protect and support humanity.
Maybe cleaning up the map should be seen as acceptable.
Maybe the 1.5 million people in the Gaza Strip should just be moved or killed... cuz it would be easier to let things be than to fight for something better.
I don't and won't and can't accept this.
And if I ever do, you can trust that I am dead inside.
But I wonder if war captured my home, if I would be more willing to paint my fellow human as something less... like I start to see corrupt police as the enemy, rather than part of a corrupt system...
but there is nothing easy to fight there.
There is no bombing of a military recruiting station or corrupt police office (when no one is there of course). There is no grand scheme, uprising, coup, rebellion etc its all simply more complex. More waiting, more patience, more forcing yourself to love when you want to hate, more recognizing the humanity when you want to demonize, working past anger and outrage to find mutually beneficial partnership and hope.
No clean maps. No clean homes. Complicated. Complex. Diverse and harder...
and maybe someday we could see it might be all the more beautiful for the work. A complex pattern of color and feeling, ethnicity and language, sexuality and spirituality. It could be a beautiful thing, but not simple.
late for class
I'm having more and more dreams about teaching. In the dreams I am always unprepared, hectic, chaotic shifts, the characters always have questions and concerns I cant meet (in the immediate).
In the one I just had: a new teacher asked me for a planner notebook (to keep attendance). We had just got all the students inside, they were scattered around a larger campus is gangs, intimidating the locals. We had to start class.
I was running to the backroom (storage room filled with supplies) I kept unlocking the wrong door. I couldn't find anything I was looking for... but I was trying to be helpful. The other classes seemed chaotic too, so I didn't feel like it was a big deal. A former student who had his face covered by the hood of his sweatshirt, came in the backroom (which students aren't typically allowed to do unless asked) He told me a student (who I get a long with pretty well) was trying to find dirt on me in my office, I told the student to tell him to stop. If something did happen it would be between us. I finally gave up on the supplies and returned to my class 15 minutes after it had begun. One of my coworkers was letting them watch tv. The room (the library) was packed with new kids. I Immediately went up to the chalk board and tried to write down categories that they should answer on a note card or piece of paper. The chalk wouldn't write. Someone had used marker and tried to clean it up with a chemical that made the chalk not work.
1 name
2 hobbies
3 color
4 etc
5 etc
to 9... it was the most generic list. Usually we have something fun in there but I was rushed. I had to go get the video I was going to show (this was US history).
When I went into the office (the Treehouse) the student who was finding dirt on me pulled out a copy of The Doom Generation a movie I probably do own somewhere... but he claimed it was porn (I think it is unrated). He found it in the sleeve of a different movie and claimed I was trying to hide it. He was going to get me fired. I asked him what his motives for all this were. I said things like "I thought we were doing alright guy?" he had no answer. The thrill was enough I guess. I decided to let him think on it and returned to class.
On the way I was justifying why the doom generation would have such a bad rating...
"Well there is sex, but I think the violence is the reason for the rating."
The class was once again sort of chaotic, filled to the brim, eager -sort of frustrated faces.
I turned off the tv and asked a new student in the back to tell us about herself.
She attempted to, but there was talking... I couldn't hear her, I asked everyone to be quiet while we listened to the speaker. She tried again. This time one student who I have been having trouble with the past few weeks... kept talking. He wasn't talking to get attention, he was talking to piss me off. I told him he would have to leave, but gave no ultimatum. He was shirtless, it was the first time I really looked in his direction. He had a smile on his face. He said he would stay and that he was out of line. I genuinely said thank you to him (for understanding). The student who had been interrupted said "Why does he act like that?"
I wanted to defend him, but felt the tension of the previous situation still.
I used his name. I talked about how people act the way they think they need to. He walked out of class. I used my name. I said sometimes I act like I'm lazy even though when it comes down to it I'm not really a lazy person. but it serves me to act lazy because then people don't have high expectations of me that would cause me to be anxious about fulfilling them. I told her we all do this. I tried to tell the class, that they would all be upset with us, with me personally... if they felt I had misrepresented them. (we don't have bells) but the students all got up to leave... I wanted them to stay so I could reiterate that point. But they were too ready to go. A small boy with light features (ethnic white) said I misrepresented him/didn't allow him to represent himself in class.
I thought that seemed silly since none of the students ever got the introduction they deserved, but he seemed generally hurt, like this was a pattern in his life... so I just said we would try to do different in the future.
Themes, repeated images/feelings:
Unpreparedness
chaos
needing/wanting to be helpful
disruption
misrepresentation/disrespect
personal choices interfering with work (sex/violence)
The one thing I thought was interesting about the whole dream, is that I was not panicked. I was able to give a non-prepared but semi-decent answer to every question. It wasn't the answer I would have liked... but it was ok.
In the one I just had: a new teacher asked me for a planner notebook (to keep attendance). We had just got all the students inside, they were scattered around a larger campus is gangs, intimidating the locals. We had to start class.
I was running to the backroom (storage room filled with supplies) I kept unlocking the wrong door. I couldn't find anything I was looking for... but I was trying to be helpful. The other classes seemed chaotic too, so I didn't feel like it was a big deal. A former student who had his face covered by the hood of his sweatshirt, came in the backroom (which students aren't typically allowed to do unless asked) He told me a student (who I get a long with pretty well) was trying to find dirt on me in my office, I told the student to tell him to stop. If something did happen it would be between us. I finally gave up on the supplies and returned to my class 15 minutes after it had begun. One of my coworkers was letting them watch tv. The room (the library) was packed with new kids. I Immediately went up to the chalk board and tried to write down categories that they should answer on a note card or piece of paper. The chalk wouldn't write. Someone had used marker and tried to clean it up with a chemical that made the chalk not work.
1 name
2 hobbies
3 color
4 etc
5 etc
to 9... it was the most generic list. Usually we have something fun in there but I was rushed. I had to go get the video I was going to show (this was US history).
When I went into the office (the Treehouse) the student who was finding dirt on me pulled out a copy of The Doom Generation a movie I probably do own somewhere... but he claimed it was porn (I think it is unrated). He found it in the sleeve of a different movie and claimed I was trying to hide it. He was going to get me fired. I asked him what his motives for all this were. I said things like "I thought we were doing alright guy?" he had no answer. The thrill was enough I guess. I decided to let him think on it and returned to class.
On the way I was justifying why the doom generation would have such a bad rating...
"Well there is sex, but I think the violence is the reason for the rating."
The class was once again sort of chaotic, filled to the brim, eager -sort of frustrated faces.
I turned off the tv and asked a new student in the back to tell us about herself.
She attempted to, but there was talking... I couldn't hear her, I asked everyone to be quiet while we listened to the speaker. She tried again. This time one student who I have been having trouble with the past few weeks... kept talking. He wasn't talking to get attention, he was talking to piss me off. I told him he would have to leave, but gave no ultimatum. He was shirtless, it was the first time I really looked in his direction. He had a smile on his face. He said he would stay and that he was out of line. I genuinely said thank you to him (for understanding). The student who had been interrupted said "Why does he act like that?"
I wanted to defend him, but felt the tension of the previous situation still.
I used his name. I talked about how people act the way they think they need to. He walked out of class. I used my name. I said sometimes I act like I'm lazy even though when it comes down to it I'm not really a lazy person. but it serves me to act lazy because then people don't have high expectations of me that would cause me to be anxious about fulfilling them. I told her we all do this. I tried to tell the class, that they would all be upset with us, with me personally... if they felt I had misrepresented them. (we don't have bells) but the students all got up to leave... I wanted them to stay so I could reiterate that point. But they were too ready to go. A small boy with light features (ethnic white) said I misrepresented him/didn't allow him to represent himself in class.
I thought that seemed silly since none of the students ever got the introduction they deserved, but he seemed generally hurt, like this was a pattern in his life... so I just said we would try to do different in the future.
Themes, repeated images/feelings:
Unpreparedness
chaos
needing/wanting to be helpful
disruption
misrepresentation/disrespect
personal choices interfering with work (sex/violence)
The one thing I thought was interesting about the whole dream, is that I was not panicked. I was able to give a non-prepared but semi-decent answer to every question. It wasn't the answer I would have liked... but it was ok.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Welcome to this crew, you can move right?
The sun was out for a bit today, brightening everyone's drive with blinding action. The Part Tavern was full of vikings fans shouting about the littlest things. In some ways it always creeps me out (how much they are like nazis) in other ways it is cute (how much they are like kids).
I started doing my homework. A look into my backpack revealed a lot of strange and familiar items. Has it been so long? End class will be all about dealing with life. Anger, Depression, Forgiveness, Shame, not so much on how to prevent things from happening, but how best to process in order to move on and maybe see that they don't happen again. The house is clean again in case of another party. Morgan did it all... I feel slightly bad about that but also feel like it was his choice to invite everyone. I was just an innocent bystander.
Last night I had a conversation with Amy and Gabs about random things and it was amazingly nice. Then as the bar called out its last call and turned on the lights, Amy was wrapped in a black scarf that darkened her already dark hair and eyes. Gabi meanwhile was halo-d by a street lamp that made her light hair look blond and the inside light made her face shine. I was having a conversation with light and dark and neither was better or worse they were flowing and mixing and everything was comfortable.
I am reminded this week how nice it is to be surrounded by people who knew you before or as you turned into a person. They will all leave soon.
I'm leaving you early, a call to play spades.
I started doing my homework. A look into my backpack revealed a lot of strange and familiar items. Has it been so long? End class will be all about dealing with life. Anger, Depression, Forgiveness, Shame, not so much on how to prevent things from happening, but how best to process in order to move on and maybe see that they don't happen again. The house is clean again in case of another party. Morgan did it all... I feel slightly bad about that but also feel like it was his choice to invite everyone. I was just an innocent bystander.
Last night I had a conversation with Amy and Gabs about random things and it was amazingly nice. Then as the bar called out its last call and turned on the lights, Amy was wrapped in a black scarf that darkened her already dark hair and eyes. Gabi meanwhile was halo-d by a street lamp that made her light hair look blond and the inside light made her face shine. I was having a conversation with light and dark and neither was better or worse they were flowing and mixing and everything was comfortable.
I am reminded this week how nice it is to be surrounded by people who knew you before or as you turned into a person. They will all leave soon.
I'm leaving you early, a call to play spades.
Friday, December 26, 2008
List of things you are thankful for.
A friend of mine tried something like this a while back, don't know how she is doing on it.
Anyway, I think I need to focus on what I am thankful for again.
Lately I have been having a lot of discussions with people about how I am less impressed by things than I used to be. I was thinking about this again on the way to Sioux Falls watching the frozen landscape mozy by, it seemed vacant of anything exciting. It seemed like earth frozen with a hat made of snow. It was not vibrant, it was not good thrilling or anything else. Maybe it isn't supposed to be. Maybe winter is the time when we are supposed to take a rest from being impressed, but I feel like this is beginning to be a theme in my life and I am not comfortable with it.
When I talked to Becky about it, I said "I think I over exposed myself to the world too soon, so now everything is less impressive." I feel like that may have been part of the problem... but I also feel like maybe I am too comfortable, or too ungrateful to truly dwell on the things that bring pleasure rather than brush them off.
We could go into all the reasons I don't like to get my hopes up... but that is a different post.
Anyway... there have been times in my life when I was super depressed and super unexcited (maybe over stimulated) but I was able to find hope in the smallest things just by sitting down and focusing on them. So I am going to try to do that a little bit more and maybe that will lead to more positive, excited thoughts.
Otherwise I fear I will be an old man who has grown tired of life by the time I am thirty.
I also think this may alleviate some of my insecurities, giving credit to the normal is a pretty powerful thing for example just saying "yes I am insecure about(this) but isn't that pretty interesting?" kind of makes me reexamine and be impressed by things rather than just feel the dread.
Am I alone in this?
I don't think I am, but sometimes I think I become a little extreme. For instance Steve and Pete were talking about how they don't really care about video games anymore, aren't impressed and don't care. Both these guys used to spend years of their lives in front of the screen.
Steve even said he doesn't really like playing basketball anymore. WOW
I still like drawing and painting. I still like concerts even if I don't seem like I am as into them as I used to be. I am often thinking of a hundred thousand things and get distracted.
I used to put my hair down and not care. Now I can't because someone else is always there.
Things I am thankful for:
Vick's vapor rub and Ricola
- I think the heavy regiment of menthol and mints and all that has really added to my sickness... Sometimes mint can be irritating to my stomach too.
I am happy that these ricola, though weird at first, are a soothing alternative to the Halls. Once you have one or two, they start tasting exotic and sweet -what is "herb" flavor? and yes I know that there is menthol in these too... but it doesnt seem as irritating.
Friendly competition
In high school we used to play spades during study hall (the one I had in all of high school). It was a group of people I wouldn't call friends, but certainly not unfriendly... except during study hall. Maybe it was the fact that I was dating one of the dude's ex girlfriend... or that my friend had done shit with the other one's sister... but my partner and I were continuously being taunted and dissed and I quickly came to understand that I would never win and never leave feeling good. Normally I have been able to throw off these comments without much regard, but for some reason in that study period it did not happen. Spades is a rough game.
Last night we played. My first time since I was 17-8 and though it got heated, pete was pretty irritated with me and zach being so new to the game (I was relearning), it was still rather fun.
Little Tijuana at 2 Am...
Thanks for being open... For having hosts and waitresses who always seem pissed off but let their guard down occasionally with a smirk or a half smile. Their eyes outlined with midnight, spitting fire, spirited doms who like characters but wont let it show. Oh and also the food is always good enough and the multicolored lights let me know I have left the cold streets of Minneapolis for a moment, sunk into some random dudes acid trip in shitty glorified blackmarket sex ridden Tijuana.
Thats enough for now. I have to buy TP, Paper Towels, Drain Cleaner and maybe carpet cleaner?
Anyway, I think I need to focus on what I am thankful for again.
Lately I have been having a lot of discussions with people about how I am less impressed by things than I used to be. I was thinking about this again on the way to Sioux Falls watching the frozen landscape mozy by, it seemed vacant of anything exciting. It seemed like earth frozen with a hat made of snow. It was not vibrant, it was not good thrilling or anything else. Maybe it isn't supposed to be. Maybe winter is the time when we are supposed to take a rest from being impressed, but I feel like this is beginning to be a theme in my life and I am not comfortable with it.
When I talked to Becky about it, I said "I think I over exposed myself to the world too soon, so now everything is less impressive." I feel like that may have been part of the problem... but I also feel like maybe I am too comfortable, or too ungrateful to truly dwell on the things that bring pleasure rather than brush them off.
We could go into all the reasons I don't like to get my hopes up... but that is a different post.
Anyway... there have been times in my life when I was super depressed and super unexcited (maybe over stimulated) but I was able to find hope in the smallest things just by sitting down and focusing on them. So I am going to try to do that a little bit more and maybe that will lead to more positive, excited thoughts.
Otherwise I fear I will be an old man who has grown tired of life by the time I am thirty.
I also think this may alleviate some of my insecurities, giving credit to the normal is a pretty powerful thing for example just saying "yes I am insecure about(this) but isn't that pretty interesting?" kind of makes me reexamine and be impressed by things rather than just feel the dread.
Am I alone in this?
I don't think I am, but sometimes I think I become a little extreme. For instance Steve and Pete were talking about how they don't really care about video games anymore, aren't impressed and don't care. Both these guys used to spend years of their lives in front of the screen.
Steve even said he doesn't really like playing basketball anymore. WOW
I still like drawing and painting. I still like concerts even if I don't seem like I am as into them as I used to be. I am often thinking of a hundred thousand things and get distracted.
I used to put my hair down and not care. Now I can't because someone else is always there.
Things I am thankful for:
Vick's vapor rub and Ricola
- I think the heavy regiment of menthol and mints and all that has really added to my sickness... Sometimes mint can be irritating to my stomach too.
I am happy that these ricola, though weird at first, are a soothing alternative to the Halls. Once you have one or two, they start tasting exotic and sweet -what is "herb" flavor? and yes I know that there is menthol in these too... but it doesnt seem as irritating.
Friendly competition
In high school we used to play spades during study hall (the one I had in all of high school). It was a group of people I wouldn't call friends, but certainly not unfriendly... except during study hall. Maybe it was the fact that I was dating one of the dude's ex girlfriend... or that my friend had done shit with the other one's sister... but my partner and I were continuously being taunted and dissed and I quickly came to understand that I would never win and never leave feeling good. Normally I have been able to throw off these comments without much regard, but for some reason in that study period it did not happen. Spades is a rough game.
Last night we played. My first time since I was 17-8 and though it got heated, pete was pretty irritated with me and zach being so new to the game (I was relearning), it was still rather fun.
Little Tijuana at 2 Am...
Thanks for being open... For having hosts and waitresses who always seem pissed off but let their guard down occasionally with a smirk or a half smile. Their eyes outlined with midnight, spitting fire, spirited doms who like characters but wont let it show. Oh and also the food is always good enough and the multicolored lights let me know I have left the cold streets of Minneapolis for a moment, sunk into some random dudes acid trip in shitty glorified blackmarket sex ridden Tijuana.
Thats enough for now. I have to buy TP, Paper Towels, Drain Cleaner and maybe carpet cleaner?
I am still sick! (no secret messages)
I don't know how to get over this cold. It seems like I stuff cough drops and water down my throat to the point where I had the hiccups 5 times yesterday and my stomach felt on fire all night.
It makes it hard to sleep, because my mouth becomes dry and painful on a whim. The cough and sneezes are reluctant to leave. I occasionally get aches and occasionally feel like a snowy mn outdoors is the best temperature to be in because its too damn hot. Anyway... I'm sick, and it sucks. And I keep hugging people and every one seems like they are going to get sick... but they dont. just me.
It makes it hard to sleep, because my mouth becomes dry and painful on a whim. The cough and sneezes are reluctant to leave. I occasionally get aches and occasionally feel like a snowy mn outdoors is the best temperature to be in because its too damn hot. Anyway... I'm sick, and it sucks. And I keep hugging people and every one seems like they are going to get sick... but they dont. just me.
Elephant Stampede
I am very happy for the influx of friends from a far. But the table and floor are sticky with beer, the garbage and recycling are all overflowing. The Blankets are dirty. Everything seems out of place and unsanitary.
We aren't picking up gift wrapping, just used paper towels. The Christmas cookies are crumbles on the hardwood floor. Everything smells vaguely of herbs, brews or Little Tijuana.
The after party doesn't seem to have been earth friendly cuz some people don't know we vigorously recycle.
We aren't picking up gift wrapping, just used paper towels. The Christmas cookies are crumbles on the hardwood floor. Everything smells vaguely of herbs, brews or Little Tijuana.
The after party doesn't seem to have been earth friendly cuz some people don't know we vigorously recycle.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
So a couple days ago, some high school friends decided to have a gathering/party at my house, Which is awesome by the way.
But then I got sick. So basically I have spent most of the last two days in bed trying to get better.
I can tell its working. But I am worried that it wont be enough.
I would like to see my friends with a smile on my face, but I'm worried I will be grumpy.
Many of them are flying in and are only here for a few days.
But then I got sick. So basically I have spent most of the last two days in bed trying to get better.
I can tell its working. But I am worried that it wont be enough.
I would like to see my friends with a smile on my face, but I'm worried I will be grumpy.
Many of them are flying in and are only here for a few days.
Monday, December 22, 2008
so
So somehow I got really sick in the last 24 hours. I'm not tossing my cookies, but I feel really achy and sore throat and all that cold jazz...
I just got over this shit. I do not want to deal with it again.
I'm trying to go see friends tonight, but I cant concentrate and every movement sort of sucks.
I blame Cosette cuz she sounds too prissy.
I just got over this shit. I do not want to deal with it again.
I'm trying to go see friends tonight, but I cant concentrate and every movement sort of sucks.
I blame Cosette cuz she sounds too prissy.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
talkin bout my generation
This is approximately what I will look like when I don't have teeth anymore. Then I will get some kick ass fake teeth like George Washington or John Frusciante.
the rain it always starts when you go away.
So.... me and Morgan and Kelsey B are headed to dinner and drinks with our jr high english teacher. My keyboard is slightly off so I keep hitting the wrong keys. I don't type the way you are supposed to but I still have some understanding of where the keys are. Like for instance I am not looking right now, but I am only using two or three fingers.
Last night I saw A Night in the Box. It was a good show, but they were having some technical problems. Kailyn was really on but I noticed for the first time that one of her parts is very similar to a Mu Maker part. I don't know if that is accidental, coincidental or just because there are some regular things one would do with a violin.
Pete is in town.
I saw Illy and Lacey and Emily and Martha the other day, I miss them.
It made me really happy just to be there even though it was an awkward context and the service wasn't the greatest.
No big thoughts or expectations.
I am going to Sioux Falls soon to hang with my gramps. Me and Steve are going to be there for a few days I guess. Then home for X mas, but there wont really be presents because we are donating. I haven't really bought any presents, or made anything. I think I should probably hop to that.
James came over the other night, it was really different but really really good. Then I got worried about him walking the mean streets of the MiniApple so late at night... and he left his grape water here.
In other news, your fly is open, you better check that.
Last night I saw A Night in the Box. It was a good show, but they were having some technical problems. Kailyn was really on but I noticed for the first time that one of her parts is very similar to a Mu Maker part. I don't know if that is accidental, coincidental or just because there are some regular things one would do with a violin.
Pete is in town.
I saw Illy and Lacey and Emily and Martha the other day, I miss them.
It made me really happy just to be there even though it was an awkward context and the service wasn't the greatest.
No big thoughts or expectations.
I am going to Sioux Falls soon to hang with my gramps. Me and Steve are going to be there for a few days I guess. Then home for X mas, but there wont really be presents because we are donating. I haven't really bought any presents, or made anything. I think I should probably hop to that.
James came over the other night, it was really different but really really good. Then I got worried about him walking the mean streets of the MiniApple so late at night... and he left his grape water here.
In other news, your fly is open, you better check that.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Someone very close to my heart posed a question tonight, not so much in words but with out saying anything as is often their custom.
What should one pursue?
What they are good at? What they believe in? What they do(professionally), what they do(no-professionally), love, relationships, advancement, education? etc
I think the weight is overwhelming. At one point I felt it was hard to breathe while just thinking about it. Of course in this situation they were choosing between more limited but none the less important options.
It also hit me for the first time, a glorious celebration of day really, that I may lose this person, not because of what they do-but the overwhelming stress and weight of the way in which they do it. I didn't share that with them, for I'm not quite sure its time, but at some point we all need to rest.
What should one pursue?
What they are good at? What they believe in? What they do(professionally), what they do(no-professionally), love, relationships, advancement, education? etc
I think the weight is overwhelming. At one point I felt it was hard to breathe while just thinking about it. Of course in this situation they were choosing between more limited but none the less important options.
It also hit me for the first time, a glorious celebration of day really, that I may lose this person, not because of what they do-but the overwhelming stress and weight of the way in which they do it. I didn't share that with them, for I'm not quite sure its time, but at some point we all need to rest.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Paranoid With a Gat
So yesterday went well. No kids kicked out (except those who didn't bother to show up). The overnight was kind of pathetic. About 2/3 of the students went to sleep by 3ish. Which meant me and a couple of rascals and 1 other teacher talking. We were short staffed so I guess that was probably for the best.
In other news, I was gonna check out a show tonight, but Laurel couldn't and it provided opportunity to go see Illy and her friend Martha who is in town. I met this girl in France a few years ago, we are headed to Chino Latino... I have never eaten there.
I am hoping to have enough time to hang out with everyone and not neglect people who I have been neglecting... but so far shit seems busy.
Me and Shultzie went to Benihana and it was awesomely tasty ... then I read this doctoral thesis this guy did on a study I participated in. It was pretty interesting but took a few hours.
Then I napped and here I am... smelling like toothpaste and listening to the "Bonne Refinery"
Hit me up, I can stay up late for a few weeks.
In other news, I was gonna check out a show tonight, but Laurel couldn't and it provided opportunity to go see Illy and her friend Martha who is in town. I met this girl in France a few years ago, we are headed to Chino Latino... I have never eaten there.
I am hoping to have enough time to hang out with everyone and not neglect people who I have been neglecting... but so far shit seems busy.
Me and Shultzie went to Benihana and it was awesomely tasty ... then I read this doctoral thesis this guy did on a study I participated in. It was pretty interesting but took a few hours.
Then I napped and here I am... smelling like toothpaste and listening to the "Bonne Refinery"
Hit me up, I can stay up late for a few weeks.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
So... uh yeah... the big day is tomorrow.
Fun, overnight.
I went to an interesting Swedish movie with Fairchild today. it was about vampires and being an awkward 12 year old. Sort of slow, but also sort of charming. Made me want to be a 12 year vampire in love.
I smiled a lot.
Break is coming.
Today at work a student put a picture of me on every computer. I know this was a joke, but in some ways I was kind of flattered.
I'm sort of dreading tomorrow, because I may have to kick some students out for a trimester if they fuck up. yea!
In other news.... something about something.
Fun, overnight.
I went to an interesting Swedish movie with Fairchild today. it was about vampires and being an awkward 12 year old. Sort of slow, but also sort of charming. Made me want to be a 12 year vampire in love.
I smiled a lot.
Break is coming.
Today at work a student put a picture of me on every computer. I know this was a joke, but in some ways I was kind of flattered.
I'm sort of dreading tomorrow, because I may have to kick some students out for a trimester if they fuck up. yea!
In other news.... something about something.
So I haven't done a certain thing I usually do on the daily for a week now. In some ways it feels really good, because I'm actually not freaking out. I thought I would be having all sorts of side effects... but generally I am just as happy/productive. I am also getting to sleep and occasionally having fascinating dreams.
I'm not sure what this means for the future. The one thing I see as a major setback is the random excitement that I used to be able to fill my time with. I can't say that I haven't sought it out in other ways, but I am not obsessing like normal. I read, I listen to music, I watch movies, I sleep.
One of the reasons I am doing this is because it has been bothering me with work. I feel sometimes like a hypocrite and also like people would look down on me. I also worry sometimes that I might be randomly grouped into something that my jeopardize my job, which would be heart breaking to me.
Another reason, is that I sometimes wonder if I am getting my needs met in the wrong ways. I think I need to seek out more human attention and contact. I also need to push myself to meet new people... and hopefully some of this nervous energy can be rerouted into trying new things.
This may all fail this weekend, or later tonight... but for now. I am sort of proud of myself. Breaking habits.
I'm not sure what this means for the future. The one thing I see as a major setback is the random excitement that I used to be able to fill my time with. I can't say that I haven't sought it out in other ways, but I am not obsessing like normal. I read, I listen to music, I watch movies, I sleep.
One of the reasons I am doing this is because it has been bothering me with work. I feel sometimes like a hypocrite and also like people would look down on me. I also worry sometimes that I might be randomly grouped into something that my jeopardize my job, which would be heart breaking to me.
Another reason, is that I sometimes wonder if I am getting my needs met in the wrong ways. I think I need to seek out more human attention and contact. I also need to push myself to meet new people... and hopefully some of this nervous energy can be rerouted into trying new things.
This may all fail this weekend, or later tonight... but for now. I am sort of proud of myself. Breaking habits.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Personally, I dont think my room should be so cold that I have to wrap a blanket around my frozen self to keep warm.
Maybe thats just me.
This week:
Well, yesterday I went home with a headache so bad that I could barely move or think or see. It sucked. I hid myself under blankets and hoped that it would go away... it did eventually but I got something like 12 hours of sleep yesterday and the day before.
Today at work I tried to get a bunch of shit done so that everything is ready for the overnight and for break.
Our school is running, but seems to stumble every few days... and I don't know if its anything we can help, but we are trying.
Everyone is ready for break. But first the holiday overnight. I'm worried about the person I have to secret santa for. We haven't been getting along lately. Anyway.... I guess the staff has to make a dinner for all the students... this seems complicated when we are also trying to set up the whole school, prepare for gift giving, make sure kids have permission slips and shit.
It's hectic to work with a bunch of nicotine addicted teens who don't want to be there.
I don't know when I am going to Sioux Falls, but I am pretty sure that is happening.
I also don't know what I am going to see all of you... Many people will have a longer break than I... but several people are only in town for a few days... so trying to sneak them in... and with this weather I'm not sure I will see anyone.
I am sure there will be a crash outside my window at some point this winter... and me and the cat will watch.
I guess I don't have anything to say... thanks to those of you who have posted interesting things on your blogs lately. Keeps me in touch... though I am a recluse.
Also thanks for the comments.
This week:
Well, yesterday I went home with a headache so bad that I could barely move or think or see. It sucked. I hid myself under blankets and hoped that it would go away... it did eventually but I got something like 12 hours of sleep yesterday and the day before.
Today at work I tried to get a bunch of shit done so that everything is ready for the overnight and for break.
Our school is running, but seems to stumble every few days... and I don't know if its anything we can help, but we are trying.
Everyone is ready for break. But first the holiday overnight. I'm worried about the person I have to secret santa for. We haven't been getting along lately. Anyway.... I guess the staff has to make a dinner for all the students... this seems complicated when we are also trying to set up the whole school, prepare for gift giving, make sure kids have permission slips and shit.
It's hectic to work with a bunch of nicotine addicted teens who don't want to be there.
I don't know when I am going to Sioux Falls, but I am pretty sure that is happening.
I also don't know what I am going to see all of you... Many people will have a longer break than I... but several people are only in town for a few days... so trying to sneak them in... and with this weather I'm not sure I will see anyone.
I am sure there will be a crash outside my window at some point this winter... and me and the cat will watch.
I guess I don't have anything to say... thanks to those of you who have posted interesting things on your blogs lately. Keeps me in touch... though I am a recluse.
Also thanks for the comments.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
John Wayne Gacy Jr.
first off, if you have never heard of John Wayne Gacy Jr... look him up quick. Now if you want to be creeped out in a beautiful way, watch this video and read the lyrics. (The last verse, I think is important)
Artist: Sufjan Stevens
Artist: Sufjan Stevens
Title: John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
Album: Illinois
His father was a drinker
And his mother cried in bed
Folding John Wayne's T-shirts
When the swingset hit his head
The neighbors they adored him
For his humor and his conversation
Look underneath the house there
Find the few living things
Rotting fast in their sleep of the dead
Twenty-seven people, even more
They were boys with their cars, summer jobs
Oh my God
Are you one of them?
He dressed up like a clown for them
With his face paint white and red
And on his best behavior
In a dark room on the bed he kissed them all
He'd kill ten thousand people
With a sleight of his hand
Running far, running fast to the dead
He took of all their clothes for them
He put a cloth on their lips
Quiet hands, quiet kiss
On the mouth
And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid
On the way home from a really sort of awful/good/weird situation at work...
I thought about all the horrible things we people have done (continue to do) in search of what is normal or in search of feeling good about ourselves. Torture of the body, mind and spirit...(self and other) to make a person feel positive about themself. Even more, these behaviors, because they are taboo yet pervasive, lead to bad habits and addictions, unhealthy obsessions. Yet what else can we do in a society in which we are told that everything is shameful.
-because we hurt, we hurt others and so on, and none of us ever get better.
Is the solution talking? or doing? giving up the unhealthy action, or talking about it openly so the need goes away?
I always make the case for talk.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
movies are amazing
I really fucking love movies... they are amazing...
I'm watching this movie called "Things We Lost in the Fire"
I have never met this character... the character doesn't exist. But I cry when his friend and wife remember him.
The lighting, the look in their eyes, the music, the right visual -tears.
I'm watching this movie called "Things We Lost in the Fire"
I have never met this character... the character doesn't exist. But I cry when his friend and wife remember him.
The lighting, the look in their eyes, the music, the right visual -tears.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
This aint no soundtrack to a shipwreck, and you were commenting on how the snow was such a lovely shade of violet
"Smallest Skyline" really is a beautiful song even if it doesn't necessarily make sense. You kind of get it either way.
I kind of feel that way about every TPC song.
I was doing some reading, through archives.
Some thoughts I had:
I write much more clearly than I used to, which isn't saying much because I seem to have always written in slang and using some sort of accent.
I am far too vague in almost every post.
I seem to always be fairly self deprecating and anxious.
I seem to have been much more driven by emotions a few years ago.
I also seemed more innocent (at least this is my reading of it now, I'm sure at the time I thought I was advanced as ever).
I have a bad habit of not giving credit for quotes etc.
Along with general vagueness I also rarely explain the topic, person of interest, etc.
I need to add a lot more color, pictures and videos, but rather than doing them in series as I often do, I need to mix it up. Keep things crazy.
I have linked to a lot of things that no longer exist.
I rarely explained what a link was to, in the past, usually giving it some strange name -not really hinting at anything even closely related.
I seem to have completely different interests/passions right now, in comparison to the past.
This leads me to a few things.
A) Friendships, I don't know what to say about his, but I remember getting a lot out of friendships in the past -as if they were my entire world, and now I feel like they are just part of my world. This relates to
B) I think I have completely forgotten what it is like to be in a relationship. The feeling of having your life firmly involved in anothers'. I no longer spend my days having conversations with anyone in particular in my head.
C) I wonder if these things will return?
-my parents seemed really strange to me when I was young, because they didn't see their friends very often. I always wondered how they were satisfied seeing them once a week or once a month... sometimes we wouldn't hear about a particular friend for years. This seemed strange, because who doesn't have friends?
Later I realized that for many, this need is satisfied by a relationship/a partner.
Still I wondered how they balanced everything...
Now I feel more and more like I understand. (I'm old I guess)
I sometimes wonder where my passion for people went.
Most often I think about this in the context of crushes and things... because I don't get them as often... it used to be that any new person I met would rock my world.... some how between the college and the travels and the work and the relationships I get a lot less thrill out of the everyday joy of meeting and getting to know people. Which saddens me.
Still I see some hope for its return when I reconnect with old friends, or have strange 2 hour conversations with jr high teachers I haven't seen or talked to in 11 years.
So where do I stand?
Just dandy I guess...
Today I wrote a quick poem about gay rights.
A spoken word/hip hop artist presented to a class and I sat in. He asked us to take any topic we were interested in and write about it for a few minutes.
I think school is going better, though I am sick. It has ups and downs, but we are handling it, quicker and with less personal weight.
I have not fallen from a cliff.
I kind of feel that way about every TPC song.
I was doing some reading, through archives.
Some thoughts I had:
I write much more clearly than I used to, which isn't saying much because I seem to have always written in slang and using some sort of accent.
I am far too vague in almost every post.
I seem to always be fairly self deprecating and anxious.
I seem to have been much more driven by emotions a few years ago.
I also seemed more innocent (at least this is my reading of it now, I'm sure at the time I thought I was advanced as ever).
I have a bad habit of not giving credit for quotes etc.
Along with general vagueness I also rarely explain the topic, person of interest, etc.
I need to add a lot more color, pictures and videos, but rather than doing them in series as I often do, I need to mix it up. Keep things crazy.
I have linked to a lot of things that no longer exist.
I rarely explained what a link was to, in the past, usually giving it some strange name -not really hinting at anything even closely related.
I seem to have completely different interests/passions right now, in comparison to the past.
This leads me to a few things.
A) Friendships, I don't know what to say about his, but I remember getting a lot out of friendships in the past -as if they were my entire world, and now I feel like they are just part of my world. This relates to
B) I think I have completely forgotten what it is like to be in a relationship. The feeling of having your life firmly involved in anothers'. I no longer spend my days having conversations with anyone in particular in my head.
C) I wonder if these things will return?
-my parents seemed really strange to me when I was young, because they didn't see their friends very often. I always wondered how they were satisfied seeing them once a week or once a month... sometimes we wouldn't hear about a particular friend for years. This seemed strange, because who doesn't have friends?
Later I realized that for many, this need is satisfied by a relationship/a partner.
Still I wondered how they balanced everything...
Now I feel more and more like I understand. (I'm old I guess)
I sometimes wonder where my passion for people went.
Most often I think about this in the context of crushes and things... because I don't get them as often... it used to be that any new person I met would rock my world.... some how between the college and the travels and the work and the relationships I get a lot less thrill out of the everyday joy of meeting and getting to know people. Which saddens me.
Still I see some hope for its return when I reconnect with old friends, or have strange 2 hour conversations with jr high teachers I haven't seen or talked to in 11 years.
So where do I stand?
Just dandy I guess...
Today I wrote a quick poem about gay rights.
A spoken word/hip hop artist presented to a class and I sat in. He asked us to take any topic we were interested in and write about it for a few minutes.
I think school is going better, though I am sick. It has ups and downs, but we are handling it, quicker and with less personal weight.
I have not fallen from a cliff.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Argh
I keep wanting to write a new post, but every time I come here I watch that video and think its too perfect to be removed from the top spot. This is me forcing it.
Plus Neil Patrick Harris is amazing and I want to have his babies.
Doomtree Blowout tonight. I hope I have some energy.
I'm reading a graphic novel on the war in Bosnia and I wish I had read it before I went there. And its brilliant, and it makes me work on my Bosnian pronunciation, I never work on shit like that when I am not out of the country.
Plus Neil Patrick Harris is amazing and I want to have his babies.
Doomtree Blowout tonight. I hope I have some energy.
I'm reading a graphic novel on the war in Bosnia and I wish I had read it before I went there. And its brilliant, and it makes me work on my Bosnian pronunciation, I never work on shit like that when I am not out of the country.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Monday, December 01, 2008
I know you are sick of music videos... well fuck it
PHISH "MOUND" my version of this song skips... but I love it.
From the very beginning of the song, they start one intro, then go right into a different one... its like they are competing with themselves and then it all comes together... this video isn't interesting, sing a long to the lyrics... I highlighted the best part for you... for you! (Honestly with the sound quality of their voices, u kind of need to sing along).
The old man knows very well
Going down by the snowbank, there’s a mound
A mound that an old man knows good
Look who raises his shoe all over this mound
Right over the world that’s another rewind
And it’s time, time, time for the last rewind
For a broken old man and a world unkind
He buried all his memories of home
In an icy clump that lies beneath the ground
No one knows how far he traveled
Oh! I heard he walked miles from the little mound
Can he find some shelter?
He doesn’t know to behold what the cold frost can do
And at last till he realized he’d circled back around
Round a back circle, round a back realized
Ice is all he was made of
The bitter blue, and frozen through
He went over to the mound
Reclining down his final thoughts
Were drifting to the time this life had shined
From the very beginning of the song, they start one intro, then go right into a different one... its like they are competing with themselves and then it all comes together... this video isn't interesting, sing a long to the lyrics... I highlighted the best part for you... for you! (Honestly with the sound quality of their voices, u kind of need to sing along).
The old man knows very well
Going down by the snowbank, there’s a mound
A mound that an old man knows good
Look who raises his shoe all over this mound
Right over the world that’s another rewind
And it’s time, time, time for the last rewind
For a broken old man and a world unkind
He buried all his memories of home
In an icy clump that lies beneath the ground
No one knows how far he traveled
Oh! I heard he walked miles from the little mound
Can he find some shelter?
He doesn’t know to behold what the cold frost can do
And at last till he realized he’d circled back around
Round a back circle, round a back realized
Ice is all he was made of
The bitter blue, and frozen through
He went over to the mound
Reclining down his final thoughts
Were drifting to the time this life had shined
Im sorry if this pissed anyone off, its just me venting frustration.
I realized in a conversation tonight, that all these years of having friends who have slipped into forms of substance abuse have really created a strong bias.
Some of you are saying "yeah, no shit mike" right now... but I think its a lot more powerful than what I show. I think I get very dismissive and full of contempt... not because drugs themselves are so bad, but because I have seen so many people throw parts of their life away, some of the best qualities, and sometimes our relationship because they slipped into substance abuse.
I say slipped in, because no one is ever aware when they do it... and that's what is so scary. None of them think they are doing anything abnormal. It goes from having a good time to needing in less time than anyone can see. I worry when people get defensive about it, I worry when people do it alone, when they are down or when they are up. I worry when its become your life.
I worry that I cant trust your motives or feelings, which makes me feel I cant put my faith or support in you.
All these years have really gotten to me.
Some of you are saying "yeah, no shit mike" right now... but I think its a lot more powerful than what I show. I think I get very dismissive and full of contempt... not because drugs themselves are so bad, but because I have seen so many people throw parts of their life away, some of the best qualities, and sometimes our relationship because they slipped into substance abuse.
I say slipped in, because no one is ever aware when they do it... and that's what is so scary. None of them think they are doing anything abnormal. It goes from having a good time to needing in less time than anyone can see. I worry when people get defensive about it, I worry when people do it alone, when they are down or when they are up. I worry when its become your life.
I worry that I cant trust your motives or feelings, which makes me feel I cant put my faith or support in you.
All these years have really gotten to me.
