Saturday, August 30, 2008
I Thought I Loved This song Before.
you just cant argue with the fact that this is both amazing and beautiful....
well i spose you could... if you wanted to be a douche.
and heres another version http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jc3ZAs17uAg
Workin It
Morgan and Nick reminded me that they don't actually know what a teacher does when they aren't teaching. I'm not assuming people care or anything, but I have been really busy this week and its pretty much the only thing going on in my life right now so...
Here are some things I have done since I started.
Daily meetings (for hours)
Class planning -personal, I am teaching 4 classes on my own, 3 social studies (Elections, US History and World History) and an english/homeroom style class called "Righting Your Writing." Which was one of my fav classes this summer. Planning consists of developing ideas and content. Searching for movies, videos, songs, art, pictures and readings that would be helpful to explain historical concepts. Much of my plan for this trimester is to try out alternative sources for readings, (activist accounts of history, Radical historians) and graphic novels. I am excited about this project because it includes social studies and artistic expression. I am also intending to use poetry and music to show students how history can be part of our personal expression. Mainly this has been a challenge to remind myself of numerous parts of history without a comprehensive text book.
Class planning -group, I also will be teaching two group classes on a rotating schedule one titled "the end" which has to do with education, social and race issues, and one called "People" which is a sex ed/health/social awareness class dealing with all types of human sexuality, ideas of gender norming and expectations of gender and sex, as well as birth control, STIs, pregnancy,abortion, adoption etc. Planning for this class means reading through materials and preparing for discussions, as well as updating the material (with group concensus).
Contracts are what we make to help students stay on a specific (productive) schedule. The majority of them are targeting problem areas like not showing up for the first hour class, or not staying at school all day. But some include check-in meetings with teachers to force students to keep up in class.
Test Prep I have been asked to be the test person at the school. We all have duties and no secretary or real administration, so teachers take on jobs like this. This has meant I had to go to special meetings with other alternative school teachers to learn about how to prepare for tests and other graduation requirements. In the future this will mean pulling students out of classes to have them take tests online.
PPL Duties Our school is part of a larger non profit organization that has millions of dollars and hundreds of projects going on at any one time. This has meant our ragtag-relaxed-do it as you go approach has to be adjusted to meet the needs of the larger organization. Staff and individual "goals" (monthly?), e mail and online paper work using unfamiliar programs, a new benefits plan that increases the costs and lowers the benefits.
-we were also asked to participate in a introduction/award ceremony, take a half day tour of PPL facilities, and participate in a personality survey/profile in service.
-I don't mean to give the impression that these things were awful, or that PPL is. Many of them were great, and I am really proud to work for an organization such as PPL, but its hard when the training and duties for PPL are so different than our own needs, -and their attitudes and practices are VERY different. Lots of adjustment... probably great in the long run though.
And I can't say enough about how nice everyone in the company is... they are amazing.
Teacher in-service Every year teachers are required to take a certain amount of training/keeping up on education. We also have staff needs for training. So along with me going to the testing thing, the staff also had to attend some meetings, including one on the topic of suicide in teens.
School Prep Along with normal paper work, registration, rules, mission statements, supplies, budgets, food/travel issues, schedules for the trimester/year, class schedules for the day, etc etc.. we also have to rearange and repair the school. Many of the walls were painted over the summer, and many of the carpets were replaced. The computer lab isnt hooked up yet, all the posters were taken down... furniture needed to be moved and replaced....Hanging 50 posters takes a long time!!!
Screenings, leadership meetings We had several students come in to discuss issues and prepare for the school year. We also had new students come in, they were asked questions and we answered any questions they had.
SO UM..... thats what I did this week.
Also I discovered that the Jimmy Johns across the street will sell me bread for 50 cents whenever I forget to bring lunch. So thats tremendously exciting. Maybe Pho will deliver.
Oh, and the staff all seems to get along really well, so we talk a lot and have a lot of fun on the job... which can be distracting and wonderful. I sort of love my job right now... I am extremely excited for school to start... I guess its just a new trip everyday.
Also the convention stuff all starts this weekend and that will be really exciting as well.... so we shall see if our cities still exist when the shit is over.
Good luck everyone... I love you.
Here are some things I have done since I started.
Daily meetings (for hours)
Class planning -personal, I am teaching 4 classes on my own, 3 social studies (Elections, US History and World History) and an english/homeroom style class called "Righting Your Writing." Which was one of my fav classes this summer. Planning consists of developing ideas and content. Searching for movies, videos, songs, art, pictures and readings that would be helpful to explain historical concepts. Much of my plan for this trimester is to try out alternative sources for readings, (activist accounts of history, Radical historians) and graphic novels. I am excited about this project because it includes social studies and artistic expression. I am also intending to use poetry and music to show students how history can be part of our personal expression. Mainly this has been a challenge to remind myself of numerous parts of history without a comprehensive text book.
Class planning -group, I also will be teaching two group classes on a rotating schedule one titled "the end" which has to do with education, social and race issues, and one called "People" which is a sex ed/health/social awareness class dealing with all types of human sexuality, ideas of gender norming and expectations of gender and sex, as well as birth control, STIs, pregnancy,abortion, adoption etc. Planning for this class means reading through materials and preparing for discussions, as well as updating the material (with group concensus).
Contracts are what we make to help students stay on a specific (productive) schedule. The majority of them are targeting problem areas like not showing up for the first hour class, or not staying at school all day. But some include check-in meetings with teachers to force students to keep up in class.
Test Prep I have been asked to be the test person at the school. We all have duties and no secretary or real administration, so teachers take on jobs like this. This has meant I had to go to special meetings with other alternative school teachers to learn about how to prepare for tests and other graduation requirements. In the future this will mean pulling students out of classes to have them take tests online.
PPL Duties Our school is part of a larger non profit organization that has millions of dollars and hundreds of projects going on at any one time. This has meant our ragtag-relaxed-do it as you go approach has to be adjusted to meet the needs of the larger organization. Staff and individual "goals" (monthly?), e mail and online paper work using unfamiliar programs, a new benefits plan that increases the costs and lowers the benefits.
-we were also asked to participate in a introduction/award ceremony, take a half day tour of PPL facilities, and participate in a personality survey/profile in service.
-I don't mean to give the impression that these things were awful, or that PPL is. Many of them were great, and I am really proud to work for an organization such as PPL, but its hard when the training and duties for PPL are so different than our own needs, -and their attitudes and practices are VERY different. Lots of adjustment... probably great in the long run though.
And I can't say enough about how nice everyone in the company is... they are amazing.
Teacher in-service Every year teachers are required to take a certain amount of training/keeping up on education. We also have staff needs for training. So along with me going to the testing thing, the staff also had to attend some meetings, including one on the topic of suicide in teens.
School Prep Along with normal paper work, registration, rules, mission statements, supplies, budgets, food/travel issues, schedules for the trimester/year, class schedules for the day, etc etc.. we also have to rearange and repair the school. Many of the walls were painted over the summer, and many of the carpets were replaced. The computer lab isnt hooked up yet, all the posters were taken down... furniture needed to be moved and replaced....Hanging 50 posters takes a long time!!!
Screenings, leadership meetings We had several students come in to discuss issues and prepare for the school year. We also had new students come in, they were asked questions and we answered any questions they had.
SO UM..... thats what I did this week.
Also I discovered that the Jimmy Johns across the street will sell me bread for 50 cents whenever I forget to bring lunch. So thats tremendously exciting. Maybe Pho will deliver.
Oh, and the staff all seems to get along really well, so we talk a lot and have a lot of fun on the job... which can be distracting and wonderful. I sort of love my job right now... I am extremely excited for school to start... I guess its just a new trip everyday.
Also the convention stuff all starts this weekend and that will be really exciting as well.... so we shall see if our cities still exist when the shit is over.
Good luck everyone... I love you.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
My Vote?
I really want to vote third party, I am especially happy that Cynthia Mckinney has entered the race with the green party, because I feel like she is a politician who does and says what needs to be done and said.
However, that is made really really hard when Obama gives speeches like he did tonight. They are amazing. Biden's speech was great too. I would really like to see them do what they say, but I don't necessarily believe in the dems.
However, that is made really really hard when Obama gives speeches like he did tonight. They are amazing. Biden's speech was great too. I would really like to see them do what they say, but I don't necessarily believe in the dems.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I'f only
Somebody recently said to me that they would be embarrassed to have Kucinich or anyone like him as a congress person....
I'd be so fucking proud!
I'd be so fucking proud!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Turns out I am loved
A check came today from my mother that should help me get through the next few weeks. A mix up at work, left me living off credit cards.
A suicide prevention worker (and the one time girlfriend of a man who once committed suicide) told us today that she thinks guilt is an arrogant emotion. It is, by most eastern standards, the assumption that your influence is so great on the spirit of another, or on this world that you could cause them harm. I think I understood her point, but having felt guilty most of my life (even knowing that it isnt logical) I can see a lot of positive from it, and though it sometimes weighs me down... I would rather have this weight that teaches, than a light fluffy cloud that allows me to be irresponsible.
How should one respond to hinted messages?
Certainly not with assumptions. But not responding can seem like a dismissal.
Casey Jones you better watch your speed.
___________
Turns out my work feels the same way about copy rights. (SCORE!)
Pretty much every day makes it seem like things could get better.
___________
A suicide prevention worker (and the one time girlfriend of a man who once committed suicide) told us today that she thinks guilt is an arrogant emotion. It is, by most eastern standards, the assumption that your influence is so great on the spirit of another, or on this world that you could cause them harm. I think I understood her point, but having felt guilty most of my life (even knowing that it isnt logical) I can see a lot of positive from it, and though it sometimes weighs me down... I would rather have this weight that teaches, than a light fluffy cloud that allows me to be irresponsible.
How should one respond to hinted messages?
Certainly not with assumptions. But not responding can seem like a dismissal.
Casey Jones you better watch your speed.
___________
Turns out my work feels the same way about copy rights. (SCORE!)
Pretty much every day makes it seem like things could get better.
___________
momentum from the party pit
I got like 4 hours of sleep. I watched two movies last night (The Martian Child and Blue State), but neither of them was as good as the one I watched on Saturday (Dedication). Maybe I just like Billy Crudup or whatever his name is.
Yesterday the Smitten Kitten was giving away free snow cones and it reminded me of the fact that I want to work there. I was thinking maybe having a 5-9 shift on a Monday or Tuesday wouldn't be so bad. It would be for nothing more than the fun. I think I would have to ask my head teacher if that would reflect poorly on the school.
Another thought I had yesterday was about school supplies and copy right law.
Basically I hate it. A normal DVD costs anywhere from 10-20$ a school copy costs $90-150. There is no difference between these items. You are paying for the privilege of showing them to an audience. That is stupid and any company that would sue a school for copyright violation is a company going to hell.
I'm reading this book called Becoming like God, its not so hot.
Yesterday the Smitten Kitten was giving away free snow cones and it reminded me of the fact that I want to work there. I was thinking maybe having a 5-9 shift on a Monday or Tuesday wouldn't be so bad. It would be for nothing more than the fun. I think I would have to ask my head teacher if that would reflect poorly on the school.
Another thought I had yesterday was about school supplies and copy right law.
Basically I hate it. A normal DVD costs anywhere from 10-20$ a school copy costs $90-150. There is no difference between these items. You are paying for the privilege of showing them to an audience. That is stupid and any company that would sue a school for copyright violation is a company going to hell.
I'm reading this book called Becoming like God, its not so hot.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Just as expected
My life feels a lot better. Not over worried, confused, ashamed or anxious.
Working.
Seeing friends.
Listening to beautiful music.
Work seems fulfilling and I like feeling like I'm part of something larger.
I like how easily it comes to me, minus the whole getting up at 6 thing.
We haven't even started with the kids yet, but I am excited.
Who ever gave me this live version of "stuck between stations" thank you. Its awesome.
Thinking about seeing a movie tonight.
You are bella, quit questioning it.
hugs and head massages.
Working.
Seeing friends.
Listening to beautiful music.
Work seems fulfilling and I like feeling like I'm part of something larger.
I like how easily it comes to me, minus the whole getting up at 6 thing.
We haven't even started with the kids yet, but I am excited.
Who ever gave me this live version of "stuck between stations" thank you. Its awesome.
Thinking about seeing a movie tonight.
You are bella, quit questioning it.
hugs and head massages.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
oh you
I think I have a poem somewhere called that.
Well its back to work day. I'm not exactly sure whats on the actual work agenda, or what time I will get out. Me and Becky are hoping to go to the Flobots concert tonight. I would really like to see them, but oh well. I have become more accepting of not attending concerts (maybe since my hearing died).
As far as the last post: Um a brother needs to vent and this is my space to do so, whenever the hell I feel like it. I'm glad some of yall like to keep me in check. I'm glad some of yall are nice enough to say you care. I appreciate all that thank you. But sometimes I gotta get my insecurities out or they drive me crazy. Generally I do think I have been a bit more pessimistic lately... and hopefully that will change. I think the structure of work will help. I think some things have already started helping.
My Mom and little brother are probably flying out to Cali to help my Grama pack up all her shit and move here (in the next week). This will be a world of difference. In my mothers words "I haven't spent more than two consecutive weeks with your Grandma since I was 18." (34 years)
I'm not sure what it will mean for me. I imagine more family obligations. In many ways it will be good for everyone. But I'm not sure that my mom will actually worry about her less... as MN winters and whatnot tend to leave people in a rough spot.
My little brother by the way was forced to move home by my parents who are now regulating his life. No substances. No sleeping in. Must find work.
I looked at my room (he now lives in it). It looked weird with all his stuff. It is very possible my mom will move him so that my Grama can live in that room while she is transitioning to her apartment.
I need to work on finishing sentences and thinking ideas out.
I also need to work on asserting myself with confidence.
"Put you hands up high if you haven't abandoned the hope that the pen' strokes stronger than the cannon." ~flobots
Well its back to work day. I'm not exactly sure whats on the actual work agenda, or what time I will get out. Me and Becky are hoping to go to the Flobots concert tonight. I would really like to see them, but oh well. I have become more accepting of not attending concerts (maybe since my hearing died).
As far as the last post: Um a brother needs to vent and this is my space to do so, whenever the hell I feel like it. I'm glad some of yall like to keep me in check. I'm glad some of yall are nice enough to say you care. I appreciate all that thank you. But sometimes I gotta get my insecurities out or they drive me crazy. Generally I do think I have been a bit more pessimistic lately... and hopefully that will change. I think the structure of work will help. I think some things have already started helping.
My Mom and little brother are probably flying out to Cali to help my Grama pack up all her shit and move here (in the next week). This will be a world of difference. In my mothers words "I haven't spent more than two consecutive weeks with your Grandma since I was 18." (34 years)
I'm not sure what it will mean for me. I imagine more family obligations. In many ways it will be good for everyone. But I'm not sure that my mom will actually worry about her less... as MN winters and whatnot tend to leave people in a rough spot.
My little brother by the way was forced to move home by my parents who are now regulating his life. No substances. No sleeping in. Must find work.
I looked at my room (he now lives in it). It looked weird with all his stuff. It is very possible my mom will move him so that my Grama can live in that room while she is transitioning to her apartment.
I need to work on finishing sentences and thinking ideas out.
I also need to work on asserting myself with confidence.
"Put you hands up high if you haven't abandoned the hope that the pen' strokes stronger than the cannon." ~flobots
Monday, August 18, 2008
There is still Beauty
Tonight I saw a movie called American Teen. I liked it a lot, but it really was just a glorified episode of MTV’s true life (or whatever that show is called). It reminded me of how beautiful people are, in their struggles, in their joys and just plain living. I love documentaries. I love the way they make a story, out of life, wrapped up nice and neat so you don’t necessarily have to do any more reflecting, but they invite you to. They invite you to laugh and cry, and squirm with embarrassment or guilt over your own life.
At the same time I am awed/annoyed with how easily we are all caricatures of real people. Both the way we are depicted and the way we become these things. I see myself in all the people, I see myself in all the scenes. Because I have played that role, said those things, meant it. Made the same human mistakes, made them- assured of myself or looking for reassurance.
Chasing dreams, ours or of those who surround us.
I was surprised how reflective the teens were, about these situations that drove them ---even when it seemed to be driving them in a direction they didn’t like. Like watching yourself do something destructive, knowing you have the ability to change it, but doing it anyway because you’re going to.
It made me appreciate what I am, though I relate far too much to what those teens were going through. It made me appreciate them. It made me wonder what my students would think.
I have been really critical of movies that depict teens in the past. I thought they over simplified them, made them seem too ignorant, too lost. Not that teens aren’t sometimes ignorant or lost. Or depicted them as adults within a school setting. I certainly have students who haven’t been asked to reflect on who they are, and thus they have a hard time putting up a story about themselves. I also have had some students who would stop mid sentence to correct or better reflect on what they were saying. Or reflect on what they assumed I was asking of them, or on a point another student would bring up. These students weren’t lost they were learning, creating and growing as much as any 20-60 year old I have met
and on another note.
Me and Julene are having this very intense conversation.
It seems so simple, so shallow, I am sure I had it when I was 12 and I am sure I will have it again at 65 (If I make it that far).
"I think it is something I have felt since I was born... I know I have a lot of friends, but I don't know how to depend on them... so it feels like I have very few”
“I'm trying to figure out a way to say this... I think i only feel really comfortable around people if they are able to show their feelings... or let me know whats going on in their life... otherwise I dont feel like I can share with them.”
Lately I have been really struggling to find connections with people. I want to meet new people but I am pretty self conscious and anxiety ridden so it is far easier to justify a hundred reasons why I shouldn't say anything rather than make the effort. And with those I know, I was overjoyed when Elizabeth flew into all the actual things going on in her life, because thats what I expect from a friend. Illy does the same virtually every time I see her and thus she is my best friend. Jessica this summer has been so comforting because I actually do want someone to call me at 2 AM because they need someone to complain to, that makes me feel like I am needed in this world. That makes me feel like someone can count on me. laurel I love to hear about your life, you have wonderful opinions and a great amount of creativity to share.
I guess selfishly, I just want more. I want more people who understand what I am going through, who are interested, and maybe are on a similar path.
I feel like at some point I started deviating from many of my friends... and I am not sure we are on the path to come back together... and I'm not sure that they or I am willing. And that makes me feel really guilty. Really selfish. Really asshole-ish. But its especially hard to feel all that when I am not quite confident in who I am or where I am going, because with the burden of guilt, the blocking of anxiety and the confusion of not knowing which way is forward... I seem to spend a lot of time sitting in front of this computer complaining.
I feel confident in the classroom, thats why it has seemed so nice to me this summer.
And I complain about all of this, while having at least 267 friends on facebook, a great family, financial wealth stability, an incredible job, security, a future, reasonable health, freedom, some talents and abilities, great experiences, etc etc etc
In short: I am a douche bag and life is still beautiful.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
pictures from the past few days
Olympics and Icecream
Sculptures and Nepalese food
Ceremony and Companionship
Facebook and Frolic
College and the Future
Sculptures and Nepalese food
Ceremony and Companionship
Facebook and Frolic
College and the Future
Consummation
I can't image after having such a long, stress filled, exhausting, hot day... (people, dancing, set up, take down, worries, finally being able to relax) that many couples actually want to do the deed.
Heres to those who do and don't.
Heres to those who do and don't.
I say the following because I am tired.
Small talk all day is exhausting.
It bothers me how little I have to say to friends. And how little they have to say to me.
I think I have lost my ability to have a conversation.
All summer I have been feeling like this.
It gets worse and worse... a big part of it is because I am totally self absorbed, a big part is because I have nothing in common (ie school, work, upbringing) a huge part of it is becuase I am not sure how interested I am, especially in small talk.
I'm sorry if I offend. I am tired.
It bothers me how little I have to say to friends. And how little they have to say to me.
I think I have lost my ability to have a conversation.
All summer I have been feeling like this.
It gets worse and worse... a big part of it is because I am totally self absorbed, a big part is because I have nothing in common (ie school, work, upbringing) a huge part of it is becuase I am not sure how interested I am, especially in small talk.
I'm sorry if I offend. I am tired.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Tragicomedy
I watched this movie tonight. Its suppose to be funny sad. There were maybe two funny parts (always including jack black), but really it just made me sad. It made me sad that the reason the writer writes this stuff is because this the way people really are... horrible to each other without trying.
5:11 and I cant sleep
I went to bed too early and now I cant get back to sleep. My mind isn't necessarily racing, but its certainly jogging at a nice pace. Long dedicated intricate conversations with people. Apologies, connections, questions. Who are these people my mind wishes to speak to at 5 in the morning?
Why are they important, what does their conversation promise?
Why am I so self assured and yet so self deprecating in these conversations?
As if to call out "You should talk to me, but I know you wont love me."
-and further reflection shows I pretty much live my life by this sentence. Assuming that my friendship (at times) might be worth something to someone, if only for a moment, but in the long run doubting that I could be what they need, or they for me.
I was thinking about how we justify a person's role in our lives, but how those people may never meet the expectations of others when sown off... maybe that doesn't make sense.
Specifically if someone were to say to a friend "oh you should meet mike, hes great (important in my life)." then when they meet me I seem to disappoint... and isn't it always that way.
Of course tonight sitting surrounded by friends and strangers, I reminded myself that I always expect too much of myself and maybe those around me... and thus I always feel a situation is disappointing. This seems to be the case more and more... for I guess it wasn't always this way. Sometimes I need to sit back and enjoy the situation for what it is, rather than what I believe it should be... I watch others do this... it amazes me, they seem so happy with whatever.
I spent the night talking to a sort of... friend of a friend. I have known her for quite a while... but it has always bothered me because I have always appreciated who she is despite many of my and even her "friends" annoyance at her presence. It sounds pretty awful. I guess, I can see what others find annoying, but to me she is so genuinely human during these times that its hard to find so frustrating. I'm sure if I were more invested I might worry about her, but as it stands. I enjoy her. I think when I notice people with certain characteristics and they seem put on, or fake... that gets to me. But when a person is just being who they are (even if that is socially unacceptable) I sort of find it beautiful, amusing, interesting, pleasant.
Today I am going to a wedding. Slightly nervous, but mostly assuming it will be really fun.
My house is so dark, its kind of scaring me.
I think I really miss a lot of people. Even people I have seen recently. Miss things being comfortable. Of course they never really are... but I miss the idea that they were at some point.
I miss the time when things weren't on edge. I miss having a best friend, and I wish it weren't so back and forth lately.
Next week i start work again... and my hope is that with structure the world will seem right again.
The cat just scared the shit out of me... I thought she went into the wall... turns out she is just able to fit into small spaces in a book shelf.
Part of my job will include a camping trip. Despite having been in morris and learning a hundred folk songs those boys play around a fire, a mic or a living room. The only camp songs I remember readily are Christian. I don't know what to do with that. I also wonder if any of the staff plays guitar... it would be nice to have the students play... but maybe their songs wouldn't be appropriate/popular enough for people to know the lyrics to.
Why do my feelings for people cloud my vision of who they are so much?
One of the conversations I was having with a friend in my head was a list of things that automatically seem to rule out dating, but I don't think they are single things, more like in combination they add up to not dating.
except for smoking, excessive drugs/gambling, and the more common things like cheating, lying, etc.
but there are so many things that seem to cause unnecessary drama in a relationship, some are fun to find out along the way, but some seem simple enough to just check off the list.
I'm just not as open to getting disappointed by people as I used to be.
I remember when I use to think (seriously) about dating every girl I met. I would talk myself into it, rather than out of.
Maybe I should become a monk or something.
I miss genuine laughter and fun. People being caught up in the moment.
I'm not depressed or anything right now... just for the record, just contemplative and sort of cynical. Well I guess thats about a half an hour of open reflection... see ya later?
Why are they important, what does their conversation promise?
Why am I so self assured and yet so self deprecating in these conversations?
As if to call out "You should talk to me, but I know you wont love me."
-and further reflection shows I pretty much live my life by this sentence. Assuming that my friendship (at times) might be worth something to someone, if only for a moment, but in the long run doubting that I could be what they need, or they for me.
I was thinking about how we justify a person's role in our lives, but how those people may never meet the expectations of others when sown off... maybe that doesn't make sense.
Specifically if someone were to say to a friend "oh you should meet mike, hes great (important in my life)." then when they meet me I seem to disappoint... and isn't it always that way.
Of course tonight sitting surrounded by friends and strangers, I reminded myself that I always expect too much of myself and maybe those around me... and thus I always feel a situation is disappointing. This seems to be the case more and more... for I guess it wasn't always this way. Sometimes I need to sit back and enjoy the situation for what it is, rather than what I believe it should be... I watch others do this... it amazes me, they seem so happy with whatever.
I spent the night talking to a sort of... friend of a friend. I have known her for quite a while... but it has always bothered me because I have always appreciated who she is despite many of my and even her "friends" annoyance at her presence. It sounds pretty awful. I guess, I can see what others find annoying, but to me she is so genuinely human during these times that its hard to find so frustrating. I'm sure if I were more invested I might worry about her, but as it stands. I enjoy her. I think when I notice people with certain characteristics and they seem put on, or fake... that gets to me. But when a person is just being who they are (even if that is socially unacceptable) I sort of find it beautiful, amusing, interesting, pleasant.
Today I am going to a wedding. Slightly nervous, but mostly assuming it will be really fun.
My house is so dark, its kind of scaring me.
I think I really miss a lot of people. Even people I have seen recently. Miss things being comfortable. Of course they never really are... but I miss the idea that they were at some point.
I miss the time when things weren't on edge. I miss having a best friend, and I wish it weren't so back and forth lately.
Next week i start work again... and my hope is that with structure the world will seem right again.
The cat just scared the shit out of me... I thought she went into the wall... turns out she is just able to fit into small spaces in a book shelf.
Part of my job will include a camping trip. Despite having been in morris and learning a hundred folk songs those boys play around a fire, a mic or a living room. The only camp songs I remember readily are Christian. I don't know what to do with that. I also wonder if any of the staff plays guitar... it would be nice to have the students play... but maybe their songs wouldn't be appropriate/popular enough for people to know the lyrics to.
Why do my feelings for people cloud my vision of who they are so much?
One of the conversations I was having with a friend in my head was a list of things that automatically seem to rule out dating, but I don't think they are single things, more like in combination they add up to not dating.
except for smoking, excessive drugs/gambling, and the more common things like cheating, lying, etc.
but there are so many things that seem to cause unnecessary drama in a relationship, some are fun to find out along the way, but some seem simple enough to just check off the list.
I'm just not as open to getting disappointed by people as I used to be.
I remember when I use to think (seriously) about dating every girl I met. I would talk myself into it, rather than out of.
Maybe I should become a monk or something.
I miss genuine laughter and fun. People being caught up in the moment.
I'm not depressed or anything right now... just for the record, just contemplative and sort of cynical. Well I guess thats about a half an hour of open reflection... see ya later?
Friday, August 15, 2008
Grievance (Pearl Jam, im sure i have put this up at some point)
Have a drink they're buying.
Bottom of bottle of denial.
Big guy. Big eye watching me.
Have to wonder what it sees. sin.
Progress laced with ramifications.
Freedom's big plunge.
Pull the innocent from a crowd.
Raise those sticks them bring them down.
If they fail to obey.
Ah, if they fail to obey.
For every tool they lend us a loss of independence.
I pledge my grievance to the flag.
Cause you don't give blood then take it back again.
Oh we're all deserving something more.
Progress taste it invest it all.
Champagne breakfast for everyone. Everyone.
Break the innocent when they're proud.
Raise those stakes then bring them down.
If they fail to obey.
Yeah, ha, if they fail to obey.
Pledge your grievance to the flag.
Cause, don't give blood then take it back again.
Oh, we're all deserving something more.
Have a, have a drink, drink. Have a, have a drink, drink.
I want to breathe part of the scene.
I want to taste everyone I see.
I want to run when I'm up high.
I want to run into the sea.
I want life to be.
I just want to be. I think we all want to be.
I will feel alive as long as I am free.
Bottom of bottle of denial.
Big guy. Big eye watching me.
Have to wonder what it sees. sin.
Progress laced with ramifications.
Freedom's big plunge.
Pull the innocent from a crowd.
Raise those sticks them bring them down.
If they fail to obey.
Ah, if they fail to obey.
For every tool they lend us a loss of independence.
I pledge my grievance to the flag.
Cause you don't give blood then take it back again.
Oh we're all deserving something more.
Progress taste it invest it all.
Champagne breakfast for everyone. Everyone.
Break the innocent when they're proud.
Raise those stakes then bring them down.
If they fail to obey.
Yeah, ha, if they fail to obey.
Pledge your grievance to the flag.
Cause, don't give blood then take it back again.
Oh, we're all deserving something more.
Have a, have a drink, drink. Have a, have a drink, drink.
I want to breathe part of the scene.
I want to taste everyone I see.
I want to run when I'm up high.
I want to run into the sea.
I want life to be.
I just want to be. I think we all want to be.
I will feel alive as long as I am free.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Democracy?
In ancient Athens it took 6000 male citizens to make any decision for the government. These people were selected randomly.
In the U.S. today we have something like 304 million people and over 3 million of them are in prison. thats 1 in 1 hundred.
We have more people in prison than the following countries' entire population:
In the U.S. today we have something like 304 million people and over 3 million of them are in prison. thats 1 in 1 hundred.
We have more people in prison than the following countries' entire population:
