To false ceilings at restaurants that mask the air ducts and vents of the real ceiling.
Decorations and lighting at Tex Mex and Mexican restaurants, waitresses who don't speak English well, and do so in the softest of voices so as not to disturb the rowdy Americans. The seasoning on those potato wedges. The real Neapolitan Pizza at Punch that makes me a hypocrite when I say I don't like food and makes me sick within a day, but I eat it anyway. Books and books and books that remind me of my passion for learning and teaching. Jokes on philosophy, comic books, atlases and travel guides, languages and poetry, politics and advice, self help books and spiritual guides to life. "Dirt" and "Piper" and "Farmhouse" and "Sleep" songs that stand out on an already remarkable CD of beautiful songs, because they are simple and because they have heart. Spoken word poets who speak with conviction, speak with jokes and tears, speak like they love and care for more than you or I and certainly more than themselves, but for a humanity facing extinction, facing invisibility to their plight. Tires and breaks that catch when it seems like they should continue to slide. Fortunes (removed from tasty cookies) that brighten already bright days, offering hope with sincerity. Tattoos that offer glimmers into the torment and confusion of a mind that seems straightened by experience and time, that speaks with dignity in one hand and flirtation in the other. Tequila and Cerveza that loosens lips so that smiles with suburban gleaming teeth pull through, from strained grad school tightened faces. To a table rich with intelligence, luxury and camaraderie promising to learn humility with time. To angels who seem brighter every time I see her (both of them), who live and love the way it ought to be.
To shared past - and bright future masqueraded in decaying times.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
How I Could Just Kill A Man
With the bombing of Gaza and just finishing up a really good graphic novel about the war in Bosnia... I am tempted to say that maybe human nature really is so fucked up that power and destruction should not be seen as the exception to the rule.
We were discussing a friend's family troubles and how specifically her family was regarding the gay marriage issue as something worth fighting against (meaning gays shouldn't marry). I get angry now. I don't feel like I need to be polite. It seems so black and white. One acknowledges the humanity of people and one doesn't, but if even reasonable people cannot be moved to see the need to acknowledge, protect and support humanity.
Maybe cleaning up the map should be seen as acceptable.
Maybe the 1.5 million people in the Gaza Strip should just be moved or killed... cuz it would be easier to let things be than to fight for something better.
I don't and won't and can't accept this.
And if I ever do, you can trust that I am dead inside.
But I wonder if war captured my home, if I would be more willing to paint my fellow human as something less... like I start to see corrupt police as the enemy, rather than part of a corrupt system...
but there is nothing easy to fight there.
There is no bombing of a military recruiting station or corrupt police office (when no one is there of course). There is no grand scheme, uprising, coup, rebellion etc its all simply more complex. More waiting, more patience, more forcing yourself to love when you want to hate, more recognizing the humanity when you want to demonize, working past anger and outrage to find mutually beneficial partnership and hope.
No clean maps. No clean homes. Complicated. Complex. Diverse and harder...
and maybe someday we could see it might be all the more beautiful for the work. A complex pattern of color and feeling, ethnicity and language, sexuality and spirituality. It could be a beautiful thing, but not simple.
We were discussing a friend's family troubles and how specifically her family was regarding the gay marriage issue as something worth fighting against (meaning gays shouldn't marry). I get angry now. I don't feel like I need to be polite. It seems so black and white. One acknowledges the humanity of people and one doesn't, but if even reasonable people cannot be moved to see the need to acknowledge, protect and support humanity.
Maybe cleaning up the map should be seen as acceptable.
Maybe the 1.5 million people in the Gaza Strip should just be moved or killed... cuz it would be easier to let things be than to fight for something better.
I don't and won't and can't accept this.
And if I ever do, you can trust that I am dead inside.
But I wonder if war captured my home, if I would be more willing to paint my fellow human as something less... like I start to see corrupt police as the enemy, rather than part of a corrupt system...
but there is nothing easy to fight there.
There is no bombing of a military recruiting station or corrupt police office (when no one is there of course). There is no grand scheme, uprising, coup, rebellion etc its all simply more complex. More waiting, more patience, more forcing yourself to love when you want to hate, more recognizing the humanity when you want to demonize, working past anger and outrage to find mutually beneficial partnership and hope.
No clean maps. No clean homes. Complicated. Complex. Diverse and harder...
and maybe someday we could see it might be all the more beautiful for the work. A complex pattern of color and feeling, ethnicity and language, sexuality and spirituality. It could be a beautiful thing, but not simple.
late for class
I'm having more and more dreams about teaching. In the dreams I am always unprepared, hectic, chaotic shifts, the characters always have questions and concerns I cant meet (in the immediate).
In the one I just had: a new teacher asked me for a planner notebook (to keep attendance). We had just got all the students inside, they were scattered around a larger campus is gangs, intimidating the locals. We had to start class.
I was running to the backroom (storage room filled with supplies) I kept unlocking the wrong door. I couldn't find anything I was looking for... but I was trying to be helpful. The other classes seemed chaotic too, so I didn't feel like it was a big deal. A former student who had his face covered by the hood of his sweatshirt, came in the backroom (which students aren't typically allowed to do unless asked) He told me a student (who I get a long with pretty well) was trying to find dirt on me in my office, I told the student to tell him to stop. If something did happen it would be between us. I finally gave up on the supplies and returned to my class 15 minutes after it had begun. One of my coworkers was letting them watch tv. The room (the library) was packed with new kids. I Immediately went up to the chalk board and tried to write down categories that they should answer on a note card or piece of paper. The chalk wouldn't write. Someone had used marker and tried to clean it up with a chemical that made the chalk not work.
1 name
2 hobbies
3 color
4 etc
5 etc
to 9... it was the most generic list. Usually we have something fun in there but I was rushed. I had to go get the video I was going to show (this was US history).
When I went into the office (the Treehouse) the student who was finding dirt on me pulled out a copy of The Doom Generation a movie I probably do own somewhere... but he claimed it was porn (I think it is unrated). He found it in the sleeve of a different movie and claimed I was trying to hide it. He was going to get me fired. I asked him what his motives for all this were. I said things like "I thought we were doing alright guy?" he had no answer. The thrill was enough I guess. I decided to let him think on it and returned to class.
On the way I was justifying why the doom generation would have such a bad rating...
"Well there is sex, but I think the violence is the reason for the rating."
The class was once again sort of chaotic, filled to the brim, eager -sort of frustrated faces.
I turned off the tv and asked a new student in the back to tell us about herself.
She attempted to, but there was talking... I couldn't hear her, I asked everyone to be quiet while we listened to the speaker. She tried again. This time one student who I have been having trouble with the past few weeks... kept talking. He wasn't talking to get attention, he was talking to piss me off. I told him he would have to leave, but gave no ultimatum. He was shirtless, it was the first time I really looked in his direction. He had a smile on his face. He said he would stay and that he was out of line. I genuinely said thank you to him (for understanding). The student who had been interrupted said "Why does he act like that?"
I wanted to defend him, but felt the tension of the previous situation still.
I used his name. I talked about how people act the way they think they need to. He walked out of class. I used my name. I said sometimes I act like I'm lazy even though when it comes down to it I'm not really a lazy person. but it serves me to act lazy because then people don't have high expectations of me that would cause me to be anxious about fulfilling them. I told her we all do this. I tried to tell the class, that they would all be upset with us, with me personally... if they felt I had misrepresented them. (we don't have bells) but the students all got up to leave... I wanted them to stay so I could reiterate that point. But they were too ready to go. A small boy with light features (ethnic white) said I misrepresented him/didn't allow him to represent himself in class.
I thought that seemed silly since none of the students ever got the introduction they deserved, but he seemed generally hurt, like this was a pattern in his life... so I just said we would try to do different in the future.
Themes, repeated images/feelings:
Unpreparedness
chaos
needing/wanting to be helpful
disruption
misrepresentation/disrespect
personal choices interfering with work (sex/violence)
The one thing I thought was interesting about the whole dream, is that I was not panicked. I was able to give a non-prepared but semi-decent answer to every question. It wasn't the answer I would have liked... but it was ok.
In the one I just had: a new teacher asked me for a planner notebook (to keep attendance). We had just got all the students inside, they were scattered around a larger campus is gangs, intimidating the locals. We had to start class.
I was running to the backroom (storage room filled with supplies) I kept unlocking the wrong door. I couldn't find anything I was looking for... but I was trying to be helpful. The other classes seemed chaotic too, so I didn't feel like it was a big deal. A former student who had his face covered by the hood of his sweatshirt, came in the backroom (which students aren't typically allowed to do unless asked) He told me a student (who I get a long with pretty well) was trying to find dirt on me in my office, I told the student to tell him to stop. If something did happen it would be between us. I finally gave up on the supplies and returned to my class 15 minutes after it had begun. One of my coworkers was letting them watch tv. The room (the library) was packed with new kids. I Immediately went up to the chalk board and tried to write down categories that they should answer on a note card or piece of paper. The chalk wouldn't write. Someone had used marker and tried to clean it up with a chemical that made the chalk not work.
1 name
2 hobbies
3 color
4 etc
5 etc
to 9... it was the most generic list. Usually we have something fun in there but I was rushed. I had to go get the video I was going to show (this was US history).
When I went into the office (the Treehouse) the student who was finding dirt on me pulled out a copy of The Doom Generation a movie I probably do own somewhere... but he claimed it was porn (I think it is unrated). He found it in the sleeve of a different movie and claimed I was trying to hide it. He was going to get me fired. I asked him what his motives for all this were. I said things like "I thought we were doing alright guy?" he had no answer. The thrill was enough I guess. I decided to let him think on it and returned to class.
On the way I was justifying why the doom generation would have such a bad rating...
"Well there is sex, but I think the violence is the reason for the rating."
The class was once again sort of chaotic, filled to the brim, eager -sort of frustrated faces.
I turned off the tv and asked a new student in the back to tell us about herself.
She attempted to, but there was talking... I couldn't hear her, I asked everyone to be quiet while we listened to the speaker. She tried again. This time one student who I have been having trouble with the past few weeks... kept talking. He wasn't talking to get attention, he was talking to piss me off. I told him he would have to leave, but gave no ultimatum. He was shirtless, it was the first time I really looked in his direction. He had a smile on his face. He said he would stay and that he was out of line. I genuinely said thank you to him (for understanding). The student who had been interrupted said "Why does he act like that?"
I wanted to defend him, but felt the tension of the previous situation still.
I used his name. I talked about how people act the way they think they need to. He walked out of class. I used my name. I said sometimes I act like I'm lazy even though when it comes down to it I'm not really a lazy person. but it serves me to act lazy because then people don't have high expectations of me that would cause me to be anxious about fulfilling them. I told her we all do this. I tried to tell the class, that they would all be upset with us, with me personally... if they felt I had misrepresented them. (we don't have bells) but the students all got up to leave... I wanted them to stay so I could reiterate that point. But they were too ready to go. A small boy with light features (ethnic white) said I misrepresented him/didn't allow him to represent himself in class.
I thought that seemed silly since none of the students ever got the introduction they deserved, but he seemed generally hurt, like this was a pattern in his life... so I just said we would try to do different in the future.
Themes, repeated images/feelings:
Unpreparedness
chaos
needing/wanting to be helpful
disruption
misrepresentation/disrespect
personal choices interfering with work (sex/violence)
The one thing I thought was interesting about the whole dream, is that I was not panicked. I was able to give a non-prepared but semi-decent answer to every question. It wasn't the answer I would have liked... but it was ok.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Welcome to this crew, you can move right?
The sun was out for a bit today, brightening everyone's drive with blinding action. The Part Tavern was full of vikings fans shouting about the littlest things. In some ways it always creeps me out (how much they are like nazis) in other ways it is cute (how much they are like kids).
I started doing my homework. A look into my backpack revealed a lot of strange and familiar items. Has it been so long? End class will be all about dealing with life. Anger, Depression, Forgiveness, Shame, not so much on how to prevent things from happening, but how best to process in order to move on and maybe see that they don't happen again. The house is clean again in case of another party. Morgan did it all... I feel slightly bad about that but also feel like it was his choice to invite everyone. I was just an innocent bystander.
Last night I had a conversation with Amy and Gabs about random things and it was amazingly nice. Then as the bar called out its last call and turned on the lights, Amy was wrapped in a black scarf that darkened her already dark hair and eyes. Gabi meanwhile was halo-d by a street lamp that made her light hair look blond and the inside light made her face shine. I was having a conversation with light and dark and neither was better or worse they were flowing and mixing and everything was comfortable.
I am reminded this week how nice it is to be surrounded by people who knew you before or as you turned into a person. They will all leave soon.
I'm leaving you early, a call to play spades.
I started doing my homework. A look into my backpack revealed a lot of strange and familiar items. Has it been so long? End class will be all about dealing with life. Anger, Depression, Forgiveness, Shame, not so much on how to prevent things from happening, but how best to process in order to move on and maybe see that they don't happen again. The house is clean again in case of another party. Morgan did it all... I feel slightly bad about that but also feel like it was his choice to invite everyone. I was just an innocent bystander.
Last night I had a conversation with Amy and Gabs about random things and it was amazingly nice. Then as the bar called out its last call and turned on the lights, Amy was wrapped in a black scarf that darkened her already dark hair and eyes. Gabi meanwhile was halo-d by a street lamp that made her light hair look blond and the inside light made her face shine. I was having a conversation with light and dark and neither was better or worse they were flowing and mixing and everything was comfortable.
I am reminded this week how nice it is to be surrounded by people who knew you before or as you turned into a person. They will all leave soon.
I'm leaving you early, a call to play spades.
Friday, December 26, 2008
List of things you are thankful for.
A friend of mine tried something like this a while back, don't know how she is doing on it.
Anyway, I think I need to focus on what I am thankful for again.
Lately I have been having a lot of discussions with people about how I am less impressed by things than I used to be. I was thinking about this again on the way to Sioux Falls watching the frozen landscape mozy by, it seemed vacant of anything exciting. It seemed like earth frozen with a hat made of snow. It was not vibrant, it was not good thrilling or anything else. Maybe it isn't supposed to be. Maybe winter is the time when we are supposed to take a rest from being impressed, but I feel like this is beginning to be a theme in my life and I am not comfortable with it.
When I talked to Becky about it, I said "I think I over exposed myself to the world too soon, so now everything is less impressive." I feel like that may have been part of the problem... but I also feel like maybe I am too comfortable, or too ungrateful to truly dwell on the things that bring pleasure rather than brush them off.
We could go into all the reasons I don't like to get my hopes up... but that is a different post.
Anyway... there have been times in my life when I was super depressed and super unexcited (maybe over stimulated) but I was able to find hope in the smallest things just by sitting down and focusing on them. So I am going to try to do that a little bit more and maybe that will lead to more positive, excited thoughts.
Otherwise I fear I will be an old man who has grown tired of life by the time I am thirty.
I also think this may alleviate some of my insecurities, giving credit to the normal is a pretty powerful thing for example just saying "yes I am insecure about(this) but isn't that pretty interesting?" kind of makes me reexamine and be impressed by things rather than just feel the dread.
Am I alone in this?
I don't think I am, but sometimes I think I become a little extreme. For instance Steve and Pete were talking about how they don't really care about video games anymore, aren't impressed and don't care. Both these guys used to spend years of their lives in front of the screen.
Steve even said he doesn't really like playing basketball anymore. WOW
I still like drawing and painting. I still like concerts even if I don't seem like I am as into them as I used to be. I am often thinking of a hundred thousand things and get distracted.
I used to put my hair down and not care. Now I can't because someone else is always there.
Things I am thankful for:
Vick's vapor rub and Ricola
- I think the heavy regiment of menthol and mints and all that has really added to my sickness... Sometimes mint can be irritating to my stomach too.
I am happy that these ricola, though weird at first, are a soothing alternative to the Halls. Once you have one or two, they start tasting exotic and sweet -what is "herb" flavor? and yes I know that there is menthol in these too... but it doesnt seem as irritating.
Friendly competition
In high school we used to play spades during study hall (the one I had in all of high school). It was a group of people I wouldn't call friends, but certainly not unfriendly... except during study hall. Maybe it was the fact that I was dating one of the dude's ex girlfriend... or that my friend had done shit with the other one's sister... but my partner and I were continuously being taunted and dissed and I quickly came to understand that I would never win and never leave feeling good. Normally I have been able to throw off these comments without much regard, but for some reason in that study period it did not happen. Spades is a rough game.
Last night we played. My first time since I was 17-8 and though it got heated, pete was pretty irritated with me and zach being so new to the game (I was relearning), it was still rather fun.
Little Tijuana at 2 Am...
Thanks for being open... For having hosts and waitresses who always seem pissed off but let their guard down occasionally with a smirk or a half smile. Their eyes outlined with midnight, spitting fire, spirited doms who like characters but wont let it show. Oh and also the food is always good enough and the multicolored lights let me know I have left the cold streets of Minneapolis for a moment, sunk into some random dudes acid trip in shitty glorified blackmarket sex ridden Tijuana.
Thats enough for now. I have to buy TP, Paper Towels, Drain Cleaner and maybe carpet cleaner?
Anyway, I think I need to focus on what I am thankful for again.
Lately I have been having a lot of discussions with people about how I am less impressed by things than I used to be. I was thinking about this again on the way to Sioux Falls watching the frozen landscape mozy by, it seemed vacant of anything exciting. It seemed like earth frozen with a hat made of snow. It was not vibrant, it was not good thrilling or anything else. Maybe it isn't supposed to be. Maybe winter is the time when we are supposed to take a rest from being impressed, but I feel like this is beginning to be a theme in my life and I am not comfortable with it.
When I talked to Becky about it, I said "I think I over exposed myself to the world too soon, so now everything is less impressive." I feel like that may have been part of the problem... but I also feel like maybe I am too comfortable, or too ungrateful to truly dwell on the things that bring pleasure rather than brush them off.
We could go into all the reasons I don't like to get my hopes up... but that is a different post.
Anyway... there have been times in my life when I was super depressed and super unexcited (maybe over stimulated) but I was able to find hope in the smallest things just by sitting down and focusing on them. So I am going to try to do that a little bit more and maybe that will lead to more positive, excited thoughts.
Otherwise I fear I will be an old man who has grown tired of life by the time I am thirty.
I also think this may alleviate some of my insecurities, giving credit to the normal is a pretty powerful thing for example just saying "yes I am insecure about(this) but isn't that pretty interesting?" kind of makes me reexamine and be impressed by things rather than just feel the dread.
Am I alone in this?
I don't think I am, but sometimes I think I become a little extreme. For instance Steve and Pete were talking about how they don't really care about video games anymore, aren't impressed and don't care. Both these guys used to spend years of their lives in front of the screen.
Steve even said he doesn't really like playing basketball anymore. WOW
I still like drawing and painting. I still like concerts even if I don't seem like I am as into them as I used to be. I am often thinking of a hundred thousand things and get distracted.
I used to put my hair down and not care. Now I can't because someone else is always there.
Things I am thankful for:
Vick's vapor rub and Ricola
- I think the heavy regiment of menthol and mints and all that has really added to my sickness... Sometimes mint can be irritating to my stomach too.
I am happy that these ricola, though weird at first, are a soothing alternative to the Halls. Once you have one or two, they start tasting exotic and sweet -what is "herb" flavor? and yes I know that there is menthol in these too... but it doesnt seem as irritating.
Friendly competition
In high school we used to play spades during study hall (the one I had in all of high school). It was a group of people I wouldn't call friends, but certainly not unfriendly... except during study hall. Maybe it was the fact that I was dating one of the dude's ex girlfriend... or that my friend had done shit with the other one's sister... but my partner and I were continuously being taunted and dissed and I quickly came to understand that I would never win and never leave feeling good. Normally I have been able to throw off these comments without much regard, but for some reason in that study period it did not happen. Spades is a rough game.
Last night we played. My first time since I was 17-8 and though it got heated, pete was pretty irritated with me and zach being so new to the game (I was relearning), it was still rather fun.
Little Tijuana at 2 Am...
Thanks for being open... For having hosts and waitresses who always seem pissed off but let their guard down occasionally with a smirk or a half smile. Their eyes outlined with midnight, spitting fire, spirited doms who like characters but wont let it show. Oh and also the food is always good enough and the multicolored lights let me know I have left the cold streets of Minneapolis for a moment, sunk into some random dudes acid trip in shitty glorified blackmarket sex ridden Tijuana.
Thats enough for now. I have to buy TP, Paper Towels, Drain Cleaner and maybe carpet cleaner?
I am still sick! (no secret messages)
I don't know how to get over this cold. It seems like I stuff cough drops and water down my throat to the point where I had the hiccups 5 times yesterday and my stomach felt on fire all night.
It makes it hard to sleep, because my mouth becomes dry and painful on a whim. The cough and sneezes are reluctant to leave. I occasionally get aches and occasionally feel like a snowy mn outdoors is the best temperature to be in because its too damn hot. Anyway... I'm sick, and it sucks. And I keep hugging people and every one seems like they are going to get sick... but they dont. just me.
It makes it hard to sleep, because my mouth becomes dry and painful on a whim. The cough and sneezes are reluctant to leave. I occasionally get aches and occasionally feel like a snowy mn outdoors is the best temperature to be in because its too damn hot. Anyway... I'm sick, and it sucks. And I keep hugging people and every one seems like they are going to get sick... but they dont. just me.
Elephant Stampede
I am very happy for the influx of friends from a far. But the table and floor are sticky with beer, the garbage and recycling are all overflowing. The Blankets are dirty. Everything seems out of place and unsanitary.
We aren't picking up gift wrapping, just used paper towels. The Christmas cookies are crumbles on the hardwood floor. Everything smells vaguely of herbs, brews or Little Tijuana.
The after party doesn't seem to have been earth friendly cuz some people don't know we vigorously recycle.
We aren't picking up gift wrapping, just used paper towels. The Christmas cookies are crumbles on the hardwood floor. Everything smells vaguely of herbs, brews or Little Tijuana.
The after party doesn't seem to have been earth friendly cuz some people don't know we vigorously recycle.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
So a couple days ago, some high school friends decided to have a gathering/party at my house, Which is awesome by the way.
But then I got sick. So basically I have spent most of the last two days in bed trying to get better.
I can tell its working. But I am worried that it wont be enough.
I would like to see my friends with a smile on my face, but I'm worried I will be grumpy.
Many of them are flying in and are only here for a few days.
But then I got sick. So basically I have spent most of the last two days in bed trying to get better.
I can tell its working. But I am worried that it wont be enough.
I would like to see my friends with a smile on my face, but I'm worried I will be grumpy.
Many of them are flying in and are only here for a few days.
Monday, December 22, 2008
so
So somehow I got really sick in the last 24 hours. I'm not tossing my cookies, but I feel really achy and sore throat and all that cold jazz...
I just got over this shit. I do not want to deal with it again.
I'm trying to go see friends tonight, but I cant concentrate and every movement sort of sucks.
I blame Cosette cuz she sounds too prissy.
I just got over this shit. I do not want to deal with it again.
I'm trying to go see friends tonight, but I cant concentrate and every movement sort of sucks.
I blame Cosette cuz she sounds too prissy.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
talkin bout my generation
This is approximately what I will look like when I don't have teeth anymore. Then I will get some kick ass fake teeth like George Washington or John Frusciante.
the rain it always starts when you go away.
So.... me and Morgan and Kelsey B are headed to dinner and drinks with our jr high english teacher. My keyboard is slightly off so I keep hitting the wrong keys. I don't type the way you are supposed to but I still have some understanding of where the keys are. Like for instance I am not looking right now, but I am only using two or three fingers.
Last night I saw A Night in the Box. It was a good show, but they were having some technical problems. Kailyn was really on but I noticed for the first time that one of her parts is very similar to a Mu Maker part. I don't know if that is accidental, coincidental or just because there are some regular things one would do with a violin.
Pete is in town.
I saw Illy and Lacey and Emily and Martha the other day, I miss them.
It made me really happy just to be there even though it was an awkward context and the service wasn't the greatest.
No big thoughts or expectations.
I am going to Sioux Falls soon to hang with my gramps. Me and Steve are going to be there for a few days I guess. Then home for X mas, but there wont really be presents because we are donating. I haven't really bought any presents, or made anything. I think I should probably hop to that.
James came over the other night, it was really different but really really good. Then I got worried about him walking the mean streets of the MiniApple so late at night... and he left his grape water here.
In other news, your fly is open, you better check that.
Last night I saw A Night in the Box. It was a good show, but they were having some technical problems. Kailyn was really on but I noticed for the first time that one of her parts is very similar to a Mu Maker part. I don't know if that is accidental, coincidental or just because there are some regular things one would do with a violin.
Pete is in town.
I saw Illy and Lacey and Emily and Martha the other day, I miss them.
It made me really happy just to be there even though it was an awkward context and the service wasn't the greatest.
No big thoughts or expectations.
I am going to Sioux Falls soon to hang with my gramps. Me and Steve are going to be there for a few days I guess. Then home for X mas, but there wont really be presents because we are donating. I haven't really bought any presents, or made anything. I think I should probably hop to that.
James came over the other night, it was really different but really really good. Then I got worried about him walking the mean streets of the MiniApple so late at night... and he left his grape water here.
In other news, your fly is open, you better check that.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Someone very close to my heart posed a question tonight, not so much in words but with out saying anything as is often their custom.
What should one pursue?
What they are good at? What they believe in? What they do(professionally), what they do(no-professionally), love, relationships, advancement, education? etc
I think the weight is overwhelming. At one point I felt it was hard to breathe while just thinking about it. Of course in this situation they were choosing between more limited but none the less important options.
It also hit me for the first time, a glorious celebration of day really, that I may lose this person, not because of what they do-but the overwhelming stress and weight of the way in which they do it. I didn't share that with them, for I'm not quite sure its time, but at some point we all need to rest.
What should one pursue?
What they are good at? What they believe in? What they do(professionally), what they do(no-professionally), love, relationships, advancement, education? etc
I think the weight is overwhelming. At one point I felt it was hard to breathe while just thinking about it. Of course in this situation they were choosing between more limited but none the less important options.
It also hit me for the first time, a glorious celebration of day really, that I may lose this person, not because of what they do-but the overwhelming stress and weight of the way in which they do it. I didn't share that with them, for I'm not quite sure its time, but at some point we all need to rest.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Paranoid With a Gat
So yesterday went well. No kids kicked out (except those who didn't bother to show up). The overnight was kind of pathetic. About 2/3 of the students went to sleep by 3ish. Which meant me and a couple of rascals and 1 other teacher talking. We were short staffed so I guess that was probably for the best.
In other news, I was gonna check out a show tonight, but Laurel couldn't and it provided opportunity to go see Illy and her friend Martha who is in town. I met this girl in France a few years ago, we are headed to Chino Latino... I have never eaten there.
I am hoping to have enough time to hang out with everyone and not neglect people who I have been neglecting... but so far shit seems busy.
Me and Shultzie went to Benihana and it was awesomely tasty ... then I read this doctoral thesis this guy did on a study I participated in. It was pretty interesting but took a few hours.
Then I napped and here I am... smelling like toothpaste and listening to the "Bonne Refinery"
Hit me up, I can stay up late for a few weeks.
In other news, I was gonna check out a show tonight, but Laurel couldn't and it provided opportunity to go see Illy and her friend Martha who is in town. I met this girl in France a few years ago, we are headed to Chino Latino... I have never eaten there.
I am hoping to have enough time to hang out with everyone and not neglect people who I have been neglecting... but so far shit seems busy.
Me and Shultzie went to Benihana and it was awesomely tasty ... then I read this doctoral thesis this guy did on a study I participated in. It was pretty interesting but took a few hours.
Then I napped and here I am... smelling like toothpaste and listening to the "Bonne Refinery"
Hit me up, I can stay up late for a few weeks.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
So... uh yeah... the big day is tomorrow.
Fun, overnight.
I went to an interesting Swedish movie with Fairchild today. it was about vampires and being an awkward 12 year old. Sort of slow, but also sort of charming. Made me want to be a 12 year vampire in love.
I smiled a lot.
Break is coming.
Today at work a student put a picture of me on every computer. I know this was a joke, but in some ways I was kind of flattered.
I'm sort of dreading tomorrow, because I may have to kick some students out for a trimester if they fuck up. yea!
In other news.... something about something.
Fun, overnight.
I went to an interesting Swedish movie with Fairchild today. it was about vampires and being an awkward 12 year old. Sort of slow, but also sort of charming. Made me want to be a 12 year vampire in love.
I smiled a lot.
Break is coming.
Today at work a student put a picture of me on every computer. I know this was a joke, but in some ways I was kind of flattered.
I'm sort of dreading tomorrow, because I may have to kick some students out for a trimester if they fuck up. yea!
In other news.... something about something.
So I haven't done a certain thing I usually do on the daily for a week now. In some ways it feels really good, because I'm actually not freaking out. I thought I would be having all sorts of side effects... but generally I am just as happy/productive. I am also getting to sleep and occasionally having fascinating dreams.
I'm not sure what this means for the future. The one thing I see as a major setback is the random excitement that I used to be able to fill my time with. I can't say that I haven't sought it out in other ways, but I am not obsessing like normal. I read, I listen to music, I watch movies, I sleep.
One of the reasons I am doing this is because it has been bothering me with work. I feel sometimes like a hypocrite and also like people would look down on me. I also worry sometimes that I might be randomly grouped into something that my jeopardize my job, which would be heart breaking to me.
Another reason, is that I sometimes wonder if I am getting my needs met in the wrong ways. I think I need to seek out more human attention and contact. I also need to push myself to meet new people... and hopefully some of this nervous energy can be rerouted into trying new things.
This may all fail this weekend, or later tonight... but for now. I am sort of proud of myself. Breaking habits.
I'm not sure what this means for the future. The one thing I see as a major setback is the random excitement that I used to be able to fill my time with. I can't say that I haven't sought it out in other ways, but I am not obsessing like normal. I read, I listen to music, I watch movies, I sleep.
One of the reasons I am doing this is because it has been bothering me with work. I feel sometimes like a hypocrite and also like people would look down on me. I also worry sometimes that I might be randomly grouped into something that my jeopardize my job, which would be heart breaking to me.
Another reason, is that I sometimes wonder if I am getting my needs met in the wrong ways. I think I need to seek out more human attention and contact. I also need to push myself to meet new people... and hopefully some of this nervous energy can be rerouted into trying new things.
This may all fail this weekend, or later tonight... but for now. I am sort of proud of myself. Breaking habits.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Personally, I dont think my room should be so cold that I have to wrap a blanket around my frozen self to keep warm.
Maybe thats just me.
This week:
Well, yesterday I went home with a headache so bad that I could barely move or think or see. It sucked. I hid myself under blankets and hoped that it would go away... it did eventually but I got something like 12 hours of sleep yesterday and the day before.
Today at work I tried to get a bunch of shit done so that everything is ready for the overnight and for break.
Our school is running, but seems to stumble every few days... and I don't know if its anything we can help, but we are trying.
Everyone is ready for break. But first the holiday overnight. I'm worried about the person I have to secret santa for. We haven't been getting along lately. Anyway.... I guess the staff has to make a dinner for all the students... this seems complicated when we are also trying to set up the whole school, prepare for gift giving, make sure kids have permission slips and shit.
It's hectic to work with a bunch of nicotine addicted teens who don't want to be there.
I don't know when I am going to Sioux Falls, but I am pretty sure that is happening.
I also don't know what I am going to see all of you... Many people will have a longer break than I... but several people are only in town for a few days... so trying to sneak them in... and with this weather I'm not sure I will see anyone.
I am sure there will be a crash outside my window at some point this winter... and me and the cat will watch.
I guess I don't have anything to say... thanks to those of you who have posted interesting things on your blogs lately. Keeps me in touch... though I am a recluse.
Also thanks for the comments.
This week:
Well, yesterday I went home with a headache so bad that I could barely move or think or see. It sucked. I hid myself under blankets and hoped that it would go away... it did eventually but I got something like 12 hours of sleep yesterday and the day before.
Today at work I tried to get a bunch of shit done so that everything is ready for the overnight and for break.
Our school is running, but seems to stumble every few days... and I don't know if its anything we can help, but we are trying.
Everyone is ready for break. But first the holiday overnight. I'm worried about the person I have to secret santa for. We haven't been getting along lately. Anyway.... I guess the staff has to make a dinner for all the students... this seems complicated when we are also trying to set up the whole school, prepare for gift giving, make sure kids have permission slips and shit.
It's hectic to work with a bunch of nicotine addicted teens who don't want to be there.
I don't know when I am going to Sioux Falls, but I am pretty sure that is happening.
I also don't know what I am going to see all of you... Many people will have a longer break than I... but several people are only in town for a few days... so trying to sneak them in... and with this weather I'm not sure I will see anyone.
I am sure there will be a crash outside my window at some point this winter... and me and the cat will watch.
I guess I don't have anything to say... thanks to those of you who have posted interesting things on your blogs lately. Keeps me in touch... though I am a recluse.
Also thanks for the comments.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
John Wayne Gacy Jr.
first off, if you have never heard of John Wayne Gacy Jr... look him up quick. Now if you want to be creeped out in a beautiful way, watch this video and read the lyrics. (The last verse, I think is important)
Artist: Sufjan Stevens
Artist: Sufjan Stevens
Title: John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
Album: Illinois
His father was a drinker
And his mother cried in bed
Folding John Wayne's T-shirts
When the swingset hit his head
The neighbors they adored him
For his humor and his conversation
Look underneath the house there
Find the few living things
Rotting fast in their sleep of the dead
Twenty-seven people, even more
They were boys with their cars, summer jobs
Oh my God
Are you one of them?
He dressed up like a clown for them
With his face paint white and red
And on his best behavior
In a dark room on the bed he kissed them all
He'd kill ten thousand people
With a sleight of his hand
Running far, running fast to the dead
He took of all their clothes for them
He put a cloth on their lips
Quiet hands, quiet kiss
On the mouth
And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid
On the way home from a really sort of awful/good/weird situation at work...
I thought about all the horrible things we people have done (continue to do) in search of what is normal or in search of feeling good about ourselves. Torture of the body, mind and spirit...(self and other) to make a person feel positive about themself. Even more, these behaviors, because they are taboo yet pervasive, lead to bad habits and addictions, unhealthy obsessions. Yet what else can we do in a society in which we are told that everything is shameful.
-because we hurt, we hurt others and so on, and none of us ever get better.
Is the solution talking? or doing? giving up the unhealthy action, or talking about it openly so the need goes away?
I always make the case for talk.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
movies are amazing
I really fucking love movies... they are amazing...
I'm watching this movie called "Things We Lost in the Fire"
I have never met this character... the character doesn't exist. But I cry when his friend and wife remember him.
The lighting, the look in their eyes, the music, the right visual -tears.
I'm watching this movie called "Things We Lost in the Fire"
I have never met this character... the character doesn't exist. But I cry when his friend and wife remember him.
The lighting, the look in their eyes, the music, the right visual -tears.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
This aint no soundtrack to a shipwreck, and you were commenting on how the snow was such a lovely shade of violet
"Smallest Skyline" really is a beautiful song even if it doesn't necessarily make sense. You kind of get it either way.
I kind of feel that way about every TPC song.
I was doing some reading, through archives.
Some thoughts I had:
I write much more clearly than I used to, which isn't saying much because I seem to have always written in slang and using some sort of accent.
I am far too vague in almost every post.
I seem to always be fairly self deprecating and anxious.
I seem to have been much more driven by emotions a few years ago.
I also seemed more innocent (at least this is my reading of it now, I'm sure at the time I thought I was advanced as ever).
I have a bad habit of not giving credit for quotes etc.
Along with general vagueness I also rarely explain the topic, person of interest, etc.
I need to add a lot more color, pictures and videos, but rather than doing them in series as I often do, I need to mix it up. Keep things crazy.
I have linked to a lot of things that no longer exist.
I rarely explained what a link was to, in the past, usually giving it some strange name -not really hinting at anything even closely related.
I seem to have completely different interests/passions right now, in comparison to the past.
This leads me to a few things.
A) Friendships, I don't know what to say about his, but I remember getting a lot out of friendships in the past -as if they were my entire world, and now I feel like they are just part of my world. This relates to
B) I think I have completely forgotten what it is like to be in a relationship. The feeling of having your life firmly involved in anothers'. I no longer spend my days having conversations with anyone in particular in my head.
C) I wonder if these things will return?
-my parents seemed really strange to me when I was young, because they didn't see their friends very often. I always wondered how they were satisfied seeing them once a week or once a month... sometimes we wouldn't hear about a particular friend for years. This seemed strange, because who doesn't have friends?
Later I realized that for many, this need is satisfied by a relationship/a partner.
Still I wondered how they balanced everything...
Now I feel more and more like I understand. (I'm old I guess)
I sometimes wonder where my passion for people went.
Most often I think about this in the context of crushes and things... because I don't get them as often... it used to be that any new person I met would rock my world.... some how between the college and the travels and the work and the relationships I get a lot less thrill out of the everyday joy of meeting and getting to know people. Which saddens me.
Still I see some hope for its return when I reconnect with old friends, or have strange 2 hour conversations with jr high teachers I haven't seen or talked to in 11 years.
So where do I stand?
Just dandy I guess...
Today I wrote a quick poem about gay rights.
A spoken word/hip hop artist presented to a class and I sat in. He asked us to take any topic we were interested in and write about it for a few minutes.
I think school is going better, though I am sick. It has ups and downs, but we are handling it, quicker and with less personal weight.
I have not fallen from a cliff.
I kind of feel that way about every TPC song.
I was doing some reading, through archives.
Some thoughts I had:
I write much more clearly than I used to, which isn't saying much because I seem to have always written in slang and using some sort of accent.
I am far too vague in almost every post.
I seem to always be fairly self deprecating and anxious.
I seem to have been much more driven by emotions a few years ago.
I also seemed more innocent (at least this is my reading of it now, I'm sure at the time I thought I was advanced as ever).
I have a bad habit of not giving credit for quotes etc.
Along with general vagueness I also rarely explain the topic, person of interest, etc.
I need to add a lot more color, pictures and videos, but rather than doing them in series as I often do, I need to mix it up. Keep things crazy.
I have linked to a lot of things that no longer exist.
I rarely explained what a link was to, in the past, usually giving it some strange name -not really hinting at anything even closely related.
I seem to have completely different interests/passions right now, in comparison to the past.
This leads me to a few things.
A) Friendships, I don't know what to say about his, but I remember getting a lot out of friendships in the past -as if they were my entire world, and now I feel like they are just part of my world. This relates to
B) I think I have completely forgotten what it is like to be in a relationship. The feeling of having your life firmly involved in anothers'. I no longer spend my days having conversations with anyone in particular in my head.
C) I wonder if these things will return?
-my parents seemed really strange to me when I was young, because they didn't see their friends very often. I always wondered how they were satisfied seeing them once a week or once a month... sometimes we wouldn't hear about a particular friend for years. This seemed strange, because who doesn't have friends?
Later I realized that for many, this need is satisfied by a relationship/a partner.
Still I wondered how they balanced everything...
Now I feel more and more like I understand. (I'm old I guess)
I sometimes wonder where my passion for people went.
Most often I think about this in the context of crushes and things... because I don't get them as often... it used to be that any new person I met would rock my world.... some how between the college and the travels and the work and the relationships I get a lot less thrill out of the everyday joy of meeting and getting to know people. Which saddens me.
Still I see some hope for its return when I reconnect with old friends, or have strange 2 hour conversations with jr high teachers I haven't seen or talked to in 11 years.
So where do I stand?
Just dandy I guess...
Today I wrote a quick poem about gay rights.
A spoken word/hip hop artist presented to a class and I sat in. He asked us to take any topic we were interested in and write about it for a few minutes.
I think school is going better, though I am sick. It has ups and downs, but we are handling it, quicker and with less personal weight.
I have not fallen from a cliff.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Argh
I keep wanting to write a new post, but every time I come here I watch that video and think its too perfect to be removed from the top spot. This is me forcing it.
Plus Neil Patrick Harris is amazing and I want to have his babies.
Doomtree Blowout tonight. I hope I have some energy.
I'm reading a graphic novel on the war in Bosnia and I wish I had read it before I went there. And its brilliant, and it makes me work on my Bosnian pronunciation, I never work on shit like that when I am not out of the country.
Plus Neil Patrick Harris is amazing and I want to have his babies.
Doomtree Blowout tonight. I hope I have some energy.
I'm reading a graphic novel on the war in Bosnia and I wish I had read it before I went there. And its brilliant, and it makes me work on my Bosnian pronunciation, I never work on shit like that when I am not out of the country.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Monday, December 01, 2008
I know you are sick of music videos... well fuck it
PHISH "MOUND" my version of this song skips... but I love it.
From the very beginning of the song, they start one intro, then go right into a different one... its like they are competing with themselves and then it all comes together... this video isn't interesting, sing a long to the lyrics... I highlighted the best part for you... for you! (Honestly with the sound quality of their voices, u kind of need to sing along).
The old man knows very well
Going down by the snowbank, there’s a mound
A mound that an old man knows good
Look who raises his shoe all over this mound
Right over the world that’s another rewind
And it’s time, time, time for the last rewind
For a broken old man and a world unkind
He buried all his memories of home
In an icy clump that lies beneath the ground
No one knows how far he traveled
Oh! I heard he walked miles from the little mound
Can he find some shelter?
He doesn’t know to behold what the cold frost can do
And at last till he realized he’d circled back around
Round a back circle, round a back realized
Ice is all he was made of
The bitter blue, and frozen through
He went over to the mound
Reclining down his final thoughts
Were drifting to the time this life had shined
From the very beginning of the song, they start one intro, then go right into a different one... its like they are competing with themselves and then it all comes together... this video isn't interesting, sing a long to the lyrics... I highlighted the best part for you... for you! (Honestly with the sound quality of their voices, u kind of need to sing along).
The old man knows very well
Going down by the snowbank, there’s a mound
A mound that an old man knows good
Look who raises his shoe all over this mound
Right over the world that’s another rewind
And it’s time, time, time for the last rewind
For a broken old man and a world unkind
He buried all his memories of home
In an icy clump that lies beneath the ground
No one knows how far he traveled
Oh! I heard he walked miles from the little mound
Can he find some shelter?
He doesn’t know to behold what the cold frost can do
And at last till he realized he’d circled back around
Round a back circle, round a back realized
Ice is all he was made of
The bitter blue, and frozen through
He went over to the mound
Reclining down his final thoughts
Were drifting to the time this life had shined
Im sorry if this pissed anyone off, its just me venting frustration.
I realized in a conversation tonight, that all these years of having friends who have slipped into forms of substance abuse have really created a strong bias.
Some of you are saying "yeah, no shit mike" right now... but I think its a lot more powerful than what I show. I think I get very dismissive and full of contempt... not because drugs themselves are so bad, but because I have seen so many people throw parts of their life away, some of the best qualities, and sometimes our relationship because they slipped into substance abuse.
I say slipped in, because no one is ever aware when they do it... and that's what is so scary. None of them think they are doing anything abnormal. It goes from having a good time to needing in less time than anyone can see. I worry when people get defensive about it, I worry when people do it alone, when they are down or when they are up. I worry when its become your life.
I worry that I cant trust your motives or feelings, which makes me feel I cant put my faith or support in you.
All these years have really gotten to me.
Some of you are saying "yeah, no shit mike" right now... but I think its a lot more powerful than what I show. I think I get very dismissive and full of contempt... not because drugs themselves are so bad, but because I have seen so many people throw parts of their life away, some of the best qualities, and sometimes our relationship because they slipped into substance abuse.
I say slipped in, because no one is ever aware when they do it... and that's what is so scary. None of them think they are doing anything abnormal. It goes from having a good time to needing in less time than anyone can see. I worry when people get defensive about it, I worry when people do it alone, when they are down or when they are up. I worry when its become your life.
I worry that I cant trust your motives or feelings, which makes me feel I cant put my faith or support in you.
All these years have really gotten to me.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
back when sparta and The Mars Volta were the same band... and rocked your fucking socks off!
You can cut in about 30 seconds...
Skip the last minute of this
I keep trying to find a good version of one of my favorite songs of theirs, but I think they get too into it and then screw up all the parts.
so turn this one up a bunch... its a very emotional song... if u pump it.
Skip the last minute of this
I keep trying to find a good version of one of my favorite songs of theirs, but I think they get too into it and then screw up all the parts.
so turn this one up a bunch... its a very emotional song... if u pump it.
Everything was Hello and Goodbye
I haven't written any poetry in a long time. It seems daunting when you don't have any topic to write about. I have been painting all this crazy weird modern art shit. Its both really fun and sort of frustrating. My mind wants to turn things into REAL things. The other day I bought some cheap paint, red, blue, turquoise, black and white... and I was determined to paint something. It doesn't look like anything, but if I were to title it, it would be something like
"I remember seeing flowers as I entered eternity."
The painting started as just a fun mess. A lot of turquoise and blue, highlights of red and then I stopped. The second day I returned. I saw bricks and tornadoes, I encased them. I enriched the reds and blues. I darkened corners and added grays and whites. The strange spiraling cross became some sort of windmill, but not really.
"I remember seeing flowers as I entered eternity."
The painting started as just a fun mess. A lot of turquoise and blue, highlights of red and then I stopped. The second day I returned. I saw bricks and tornadoes, I encased them. I enriched the reds and blues. I darkened corners and added grays and whites. The strange spiraling cross became some sort of windmill, but not really.
Well Im well rested
Thats about what I accomplished this holiday.
5 days, I probably got like 60 hours of sleep at least.
Today I gotta do some homework for the classes coming up, unfortunately I don't have a industrial copy machine, cuz that would be key.
Somebody looked up my brother yesterday, I worry when people do that, so if its friendly leave a note. I tried to remove family names from this website, but unfortunately I didn't do a good enough job, I don't know how to take the name out of the original heading for the post... Maybe I have to delete and repost with a different name.
It snowed last night. I was driving to blockbuster thinking about when it would snow again and then like an hour later it did.
Well one of us should shower... so long.
5 days, I probably got like 60 hours of sleep at least.
Today I gotta do some homework for the classes coming up, unfortunately I don't have a industrial copy machine, cuz that would be key.
Somebody looked up my brother yesterday, I worry when people do that, so if its friendly leave a note. I tried to remove family names from this website, but unfortunately I didn't do a good enough job, I don't know how to take the name out of the original heading for the post... Maybe I have to delete and repost with a different name.
It snowed last night. I was driving to blockbuster thinking about when it would snow again and then like an hour later it did.
Well one of us should shower... so long.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
This song is beautiful
"Swandive"
cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand
feels like a little baby bird fallen from the nest
i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i'm happy, i think that i'm blessed
i've got a lack of inhibition
i've got a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in
'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown
and i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
im wiped and im wired but i guess its just as well
because i built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and i'm queen of my own compost heap
and i'm getting used to the smell
and i've got a lack of information
but i got a little revelation
and i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down
i'm going to do my best swan dive
in the shark-infested waters
i'm gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around
'cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better thing to do than survive
i've got a memory of your warm skin in my hand
and i've got a vision of blue sky and dry land
i'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving, my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is what i understand
i just need a little vaccination for my far-away vacation
i'm going to go ahead boldly because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy, that falling is fun
up until you hit the sidewalk, shivering, stunned
and they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown...
cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand
feels like a little baby bird fallen from the nest
i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i'm happy, i think that i'm blessed
i've got a lack of inhibition
i've got a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in
'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown
and i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
im wiped and im wired but i guess its just as well
because i built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and i'm queen of my own compost heap
and i'm getting used to the smell
and i've got a lack of information
but i got a little revelation
and i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down
i'm going to do my best swan dive
in the shark-infested waters
i'm gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around
'cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better thing to do than survive
i've got a memory of your warm skin in my hand
and i've got a vision of blue sky and dry land
i'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving, my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is what i understand
i just need a little vaccination for my far-away vacation
i'm going to go ahead boldly because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy, that falling is fun
up until you hit the sidewalk, shivering, stunned
and they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown...
Friday, November 28, 2008
So my brother and his girlfriend and I are out at a movie in uptown. We went to see Milk which was good, long, probably not as powerful as it could have been... but also very informative, hopeful and sad. Anyway, my brother gets up to go to the bathroom and he see's his boss and his boss's daughter in the back row... trying to be incognito. You see, my brother works for a certain celebrity senatorial candidate... anyway, of course they start talking in the aisle, and all of a sudden I feel I'm apart of a small circus. I feel like that must be really hard for his daughter.
Eventually they all settle down and people stop saying hi, and we watch the movie. It makes me feel really good that this possible politician is in the audience watching this movie. That that is the way he would spend his thanksgiving.
After the movie we all walk out together, and the 4 of them talk for 5 minutes on the sidewalk in uptown. I stand around like an idiot, feeling out of place next to this celebrity who my brother feels so natural around. Who he talks to like a friend. This guy who makes dumb jokes like any boss. Who wants to have a conversation with someone he knows, about the movie, about work, its 12:30 AM on a sidewalk in uptown. I have a grin on my face, partially because I'm starstruck, partially because I think its really dumb to treat people like they are different, but I am trying to look around to see what other people think. They seem to be excited and proud. The whole thing is ridiculous... what a weird life.
Eventually they all settle down and people stop saying hi, and we watch the movie. It makes me feel really good that this possible politician is in the audience watching this movie. That that is the way he would spend his thanksgiving.
After the movie we all walk out together, and the 4 of them talk for 5 minutes on the sidewalk in uptown. I stand around like an idiot, feeling out of place next to this celebrity who my brother feels so natural around. Who he talks to like a friend. This guy who makes dumb jokes like any boss. Who wants to have a conversation with someone he knows, about the movie, about work, its 12:30 AM on a sidewalk in uptown. I have a grin on my face, partially because I'm starstruck, partially because I think its really dumb to treat people like they are different, but I am trying to look around to see what other people think. They seem to be excited and proud. The whole thing is ridiculous... what a weird life.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
on a ridiculous side note>>>
my heart wants to move the melody to fit my mood, and the melody just wont comply... and its disrupting my sense of equilibrium.
I feel like I'm probably really hungry, but also frustrated, which tend to be competing notions in my brain.
This morning when I was driving to my Mother's, I thought "na, fuck the whole anti-depressant thing, I don't need that" And I thought how funny it was how quickly these thoughts can come and go. Then when I was driving home I felt it hit me again. I tried to convince myself that I should think like I did when I was a teenager, night time is a wonderful time of adventure, like a vampire... its time to shine, like a werewolf, its time to howl... but I couldn't make the switch so easily.
Right now, I feel very weighted down with stress that doesn't belong to me. I feel like its none of my business and yet I cannot sit idle. I fear I take things as a personal affront when they have nothing to do with me, but simply the person has chosen a different path.
But I find it a lot harder to listen to them next time, or not distrust their motives... and knowing this about myself, I tend to just put up the barrier in the first place rather than deal with those later consequences... that should never have to happen...
but when they happen. I am quite known to forgive and forget aren't I?
Its times like this I write cheesy poems to reassure myself and others...
Remember this one mike?
Wake up another day,
another chance to count my blessings
Though on the horizon
I spy the dark clouds coalescing
This is the way - to fortify my spirit,
Confront the wave of change
And never fear it
There is a place here
for every feeling
every notion
and when the waves near
we learn by dealing
with the motion
This morning when I was driving to my Mother's, I thought "na, fuck the whole anti-depressant thing, I don't need that" And I thought how funny it was how quickly these thoughts can come and go. Then when I was driving home I felt it hit me again. I tried to convince myself that I should think like I did when I was a teenager, night time is a wonderful time of adventure, like a vampire... its time to shine, like a werewolf, its time to howl... but I couldn't make the switch so easily.
Right now, I feel very weighted down with stress that doesn't belong to me. I feel like its none of my business and yet I cannot sit idle. I fear I take things as a personal affront when they have nothing to do with me, but simply the person has chosen a different path.
But I find it a lot harder to listen to them next time, or not distrust their motives... and knowing this about myself, I tend to just put up the barrier in the first place rather than deal with those later consequences... that should never have to happen...
but when they happen. I am quite known to forgive and forget aren't I?
Its times like this I write cheesy poems to reassure myself and others...
Remember this one mike?
Wake up another day,
another chance to count my blessings
Though on the horizon
I spy the dark clouds coalescing
This is the way - to fortify my spirit,
Confront the wave of change
And never fear it
There is a place here
for every feeling
every notion
and when the waves near
we learn by dealing
with the motion
I just spent the last hour thinking in my bed. Trying to get to sleep, but also trying to think about things.
Some topics:
Drugs
Work
Future
Relationships
Drama
Travel
Depression
Etc
I think my life seems to vary fairly dramatically between exciting times and very dull times. Right now, I'm guessing I am in a dull time. I can feel myself yearning for drama, in the things I choose to be upset about, or frustrated with. I am fairly relaxed. Last night I was listening to relaxation audio/video clips (I tend to do this a lot to get to sleep)... but I realized that my body already was relaxed and so was my mind. I wasn't tense or stressed.... just wanted some interaction, wanted to hear someone's voice put me to sleep.
I am considering getting on anti depressants, not because I am depressed per say, but because I can tell that the winter is keeping me inactive, and I feel like I am missing out on opportunities.
I don't know that antidepressants would help, but I feel like maybe they would give me a slight advantage in beating some of my self confidence/lack of interest in things.
I miss traveling, but even that offers little interest right now.
I know what I want, but I don't know how to get it.
I don't think I am helping anything with my attitude.
I feel very much like I am holding myself back.
The only problem with the antidepressant thing is I don't know how it will work with insurance... I don't know if I will have to pay for the drugs, or if I can do whatever... I suppose its something to look in to.
The funny thing is, I am usually always telling me to go to counseling, but I don't feel like I have any big issues weighing me down right now. I feel like things are going fine, just not great, and I worry that this is a soft slide into something worse... when it could be a soft slide into something better.... I am also really worried that these slightly depressed feelings could affect my work... I don't want to lose faith in my students or the school or anything. I want to feel good about going to work every day and I know that that is possible with this place... if I make the effort.
Recently some friends have been talking about self medicating...
I reacted pretty strongly to them. I don't think I am out of line. I know we could have the debate all year about the difference between drugs, but I think its the idea between positive and negative coping mechanisms. If drugs have been a vice, then most likely using them again will not be positive (even if it offers momentary comfort or release). If one is already struggling with depression, loneliness, lack of motivation, stress etc... then they probably shouldn't seek out drugs that are A) illegal B) have side effects of the above.
We all struggle with winter.
We all struggle when alone.
I think these are things I am being reminded of pretty hardcore right now.
Its supposed to be thanksgiving today. I can think of many things I am thankful for... but part of me likes to be super angsty on these days because I am overly dramatic sometimes.
Some topics:
Drugs
Work
Future
Relationships
Drama
Travel
Depression
Etc
I think my life seems to vary fairly dramatically between exciting times and very dull times. Right now, I'm guessing I am in a dull time. I can feel myself yearning for drama, in the things I choose to be upset about, or frustrated with. I am fairly relaxed. Last night I was listening to relaxation audio/video clips (I tend to do this a lot to get to sleep)... but I realized that my body already was relaxed and so was my mind. I wasn't tense or stressed.... just wanted some interaction, wanted to hear someone's voice put me to sleep.
I am considering getting on anti depressants, not because I am depressed per say, but because I can tell that the winter is keeping me inactive, and I feel like I am missing out on opportunities.
I don't know that antidepressants would help, but I feel like maybe they would give me a slight advantage in beating some of my self confidence/lack of interest in things.
I miss traveling, but even that offers little interest right now.
I know what I want, but I don't know how to get it.
I don't think I am helping anything with my attitude.
I feel very much like I am holding myself back.
The only problem with the antidepressant thing is I don't know how it will work with insurance... I don't know if I will have to pay for the drugs, or if I can do whatever... I suppose its something to look in to.
The funny thing is, I am usually always telling me to go to counseling, but I don't feel like I have any big issues weighing me down right now. I feel like things are going fine, just not great, and I worry that this is a soft slide into something worse... when it could be a soft slide into something better.... I am also really worried that these slightly depressed feelings could affect my work... I don't want to lose faith in my students or the school or anything. I want to feel good about going to work every day and I know that that is possible with this place... if I make the effort.
Recently some friends have been talking about self medicating...
I reacted pretty strongly to them. I don't think I am out of line. I know we could have the debate all year about the difference between drugs, but I think its the idea between positive and negative coping mechanisms. If drugs have been a vice, then most likely using them again will not be positive (even if it offers momentary comfort or release). If one is already struggling with depression, loneliness, lack of motivation, stress etc... then they probably shouldn't seek out drugs that are A) illegal B) have side effects of the above.
We all struggle with winter.
We all struggle when alone.
I think these are things I am being reminded of pretty hardcore right now.
Its supposed to be thanksgiving today. I can think of many things I am thankful for... but part of me likes to be super angsty on these days because I am overly dramatic sometimes.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Uh cuz Im bored and not doing anything, I will update
I'm like avoiding the news because of the Mumbai thing, it really saddens me... I was watching it earlier trying to figure out what was so sad about it... we hear about these sorts of attacks every day. I think it hit home a little because they targeted backpackers and tourists. I remember being a tourist in India... it was great. Its sad to hear that someone else's trip is forever ruined.
Not to mention all their families and what not.
Just sad.
So I spent the night watching movies and painting. At first I was really enjoying it, but as it gets later I feel more and more lonely... yea.
At some point I am going to watch Hellboy 2... but I dont know if that will be tonight or tomorrow.
and uh yeah... my new computer mouse isnt as good as the old one... which makes computer drawing a lot harder/less precise.
I dislike Holidays... so much pressure. I am sort of glad I can just go eat and leave, somewhere to retreat to.
I get tired so early these days.
bye
Not to mention all their families and what not.
Just sad.
So I spent the night watching movies and painting. At first I was really enjoying it, but as it gets later I feel more and more lonely... yea.
At some point I am going to watch Hellboy 2... but I dont know if that will be tonight or tomorrow.
and uh yeah... my new computer mouse isnt as good as the old one... which makes computer drawing a lot harder/less precise.
I dislike Holidays... so much pressure. I am sort of glad I can just go eat and leave, somewhere to retreat to.
I get tired so early these days.
bye
I'll leave naysayers stumped like rainforests
Somehow I hurt my finger. Somehow I jammed it into a nail that is sticking out of my desk. Somehow it went under my fingernail and caused me to bleed through my finger nail... or penetrated my fingernail in a most painful way. We shall see what comes of me. In the meantime, I would like to share this picture of my bandaged finger with you.
No offense or anything... that's just what happened.
Well in other news... I spent too much money today buying a new mouse, some paints and an ink cartridge for a printer that isn't mine.
How was your day?
Seriously leave a comment.
No offense or anything... that's just what happened.Well in other news... I spent too much money today buying a new mouse, some paints and an ink cartridge for a printer that isn't mine.
How was your day?
Seriously leave a comment.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Things You gotta love....
You know that mild depression... where you aren't necessarily sad or transfixed on a problem... just don't have the energy or the will or the interest to do anything but sit on your ass and surf the internet? And you have shit you have to do... but you just don't do it.
Yeah... me too.
Yeah... me too.
stuff u dont need to know
So I use this stuff for rosacea
its called metrogel,
sometimes it seems to make things better...
but the last two days my face seems to be a lot worse than normal....
and I'm wondering if it is irritating my skin.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Mel Gibson and the Pants
are one of my favorite bands.
but they also used to have a song called "it's french don't worry about it" but then they renamed it "volatile mixture"
I liked the first one better.
but they also used to have a song called "it's french don't worry about it" but then they renamed it "volatile mixture"
I liked the first one better.
a very random smattering
of blogs makes me think that most bloggers (despite what u might hear in the media) are not politicos or sports editorialists, or anything of the sort.... maybe not even angsty teens (thats how i started/continued) but young people starting families... and artists and foreign people who speak different languages so I can't tell what they are writing about.
If you wanna try this, go to the top of this page and hit "next blog" please dont hit "flag blog" as that might lead to reprocussions I have no idea about.
If you wanna try this, go to the top of this page and hit "next blog" please dont hit "flag blog" as that might lead to reprocussions I have no idea about.
8:30 and I'm getting tired
My house is cold, I think it makes me want to snuggle up in some blankets...maybe make some hot chocolate.
Heres your randomly painted water color for the day...
maybe I should make this a regular feature.
There isn't really anything specifically happening in this painting... but there is some sort of green (woman?) and a lot of weird chaotic nature-ish but also weird structure stuff in the background... (guess which I did first..) anyway... part way through i noticed these orange explosion-y things I was doing in the background and decided that maybe some sort of wood nymph was witnessing the destruction of her homeland.... but then i decided that she would be more sad if that were truly the case, and I dont think she looks sad... so i guess u decide whats going on.
I have been really inspired by some of my students, they are amazing watercolorists and dont even know it. I can't come close to anything they do... its really exceptional, beautiful stuff.... but I think I might use the wrong kind of paper.
Um... also new classes start tomorrow and technically I havent really prepared anything... YIKES... but I think it just means spending the first hour copying shit. Yeah.. thats the ticket.
Heres your randomly painted water color for the day...
maybe I should make this a regular feature.
There isn't really anything specifically happening in this painting... but there is some sort of green (woman?) and a lot of weird chaotic nature-ish but also weird structure stuff in the background... (guess which I did first..) anyway... part way through i noticed these orange explosion-y things I was doing in the background and decided that maybe some sort of wood nymph was witnessing the destruction of her homeland.... but then i decided that she would be more sad if that were truly the case, and I dont think she looks sad... so i guess u decide whats going on.I have been really inspired by some of my students, they are amazing watercolorists and dont even know it. I can't come close to anything they do... its really exceptional, beautiful stuff.... but I think I might use the wrong kind of paper.
Um... also new classes start tomorrow and technically I havent really prepared anything... YIKES... but I think it just means spending the first hour copying shit. Yeah.. thats the ticket.
Even my fortune cookies want me to be single
"You are both loyal and self-reliant"
"Others admire your independence"
and that sucks, cuz I believe in fortune cookies.
"Others admire your independence"
and that sucks, cuz I believe in fortune cookies.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Family and other shit
I spent the morning helping my 78 year old grandmother move into her new apartment in St. Paul. She made the trip from San Diego a few months ago, but her place wasn't finished yet, so she has had her stuff in storage and has stayed at my mother's.
Moving her in, I recognized immediately what my mother has been saying for years about my grandmother's spending habits. It isn't the abundance of furniture she never uses, the two computers she can't even see, the glass sets, the silverware, the vases, or the multiple closets the size of my room full of clothes that impress me... its the idea that she packed 8 boxes of sandwich baggies, dish soaps and other random crap that a rich person shouldn't think twice about throwing out. I understand wanting to keep the shit you bought on the shopping network, but bringing dish soap across the country? Grama we got that shit here....
But yeah... its all fairly excessive... She has at least enough clothes to last a year (without wearing anything twice). She has a guest bedroom full of boxes and furniture that she didn't have anywhere else to put... She doesn't want it in storage for the chance that she might need it... but and entire bedroom dedicated to one 78 yr old woman's extra stuff....
Also, I can't tell what costs $1000 and what costs $10... so I am not the best unpacker.
Its all glass, unpolished wood and ceramics. She wouldn't send any of the precious metals or jewels with the movers, because they had names like "Juan." (who was fucking awesome by the way).
According to my mom you don't tip movers if they work on a salary.
So that process (her moving in) will take a week or two....
I am also having thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family in an hour.
It will be the first time I have seen my older brother since we heard my uncle died.
He is busy with the recount I guess.
I spent my afternoon shower thinking about how picky I am when it comes to potential partners
and the movie Cast Away.
I looked up my school on myspace and found a bunch of my students profiles... and their pictures of them smoking pot and drinking beer.
I thought I had a bunch to say... but I guess not.
Moving her in, I recognized immediately what my mother has been saying for years about my grandmother's spending habits. It isn't the abundance of furniture she never uses, the two computers she can't even see, the glass sets, the silverware, the vases, or the multiple closets the size of my room full of clothes that impress me... its the idea that she packed 8 boxes of sandwich baggies, dish soaps and other random crap that a rich person shouldn't think twice about throwing out. I understand wanting to keep the shit you bought on the shopping network, but bringing dish soap across the country? Grama we got that shit here....
But yeah... its all fairly excessive... She has at least enough clothes to last a year (without wearing anything twice). She has a guest bedroom full of boxes and furniture that she didn't have anywhere else to put... She doesn't want it in storage for the chance that she might need it... but and entire bedroom dedicated to one 78 yr old woman's extra stuff....
Also, I can't tell what costs $1000 and what costs $10... so I am not the best unpacker.
Its all glass, unpolished wood and ceramics. She wouldn't send any of the precious metals or jewels with the movers, because they had names like "Juan." (who was fucking awesome by the way).
According to my mom you don't tip movers if they work on a salary.
So that process (her moving in) will take a week or two....
I am also having thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family in an hour.
It will be the first time I have seen my older brother since we heard my uncle died.
He is busy with the recount I guess.
I spent my afternoon shower thinking about how picky I am when it comes to potential partners
and the movie Cast Away.
I looked up my school on myspace and found a bunch of my students profiles... and their pictures of them smoking pot and drinking beer.
I thought I had a bunch to say... but I guess not.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Zeitgeist Addendum
At first I was super unimpressed with this version of the movie. Their characterization (propaganda) of the free market and the monetary system is super shallow and purposely dumbs down a lot of the information (making it suitable to their message). However, as the movie proceeds I can begin to understand how easily this characterization of the free market can be made-when they are putting forth ideas that are far more suitable for this age, than perpetuating old ways of the capitalist system...
Interesting agenda put forth The Venus Project
When its all based on ideas... its easy to project that there are better options.
If energy, transportation, poverty, health care etc can be sustained and universal.... capitalism, monetary systems etc... do seem ridiculously outdated.
I also think that the ideas presented seem to be completely in line with the communist manifesto... only the ideas of socialism that we know of from history were never truly communist. This Venus Project would be the people owning the system, the resources belonging to them, and the set up would be through the fall of the old.
Interesting agenda put forth The Venus Project
When its all based on ideas... its easy to project that there are better options.
If energy, transportation, poverty, health care etc can be sustained and universal.... capitalism, monetary systems etc... do seem ridiculously outdated.
I also think that the ideas presented seem to be completely in line with the communist manifesto... only the ideas of socialism that we know of from history were never truly communist. This Venus Project would be the people owning the system, the resources belonging to them, and the set up would be through the fall of the old.
Monday, November 17, 2008
For better people than I
some times I can do this for months at a time... but i have really fallen off for the last few years... so
uh just a reminder... this shit is legit... try your best (there are a bunch of them)
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=2
uh just a reminder... this shit is legit... try your best (there are a bunch of them)
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=2
I fought my fingers loose
Ripped my teeth from these fair weathered fangs
And I built this life for you, funny
I never felt nothing
Until after the watchtower caved
I cut this fever free
Fought the famine with fistfuls of flames
And I give this life for you, funny
The backwards and burning
Just can't stop turning away
From the rooftops and fortresses
Perched on our porches
We'll sing
With these noises and voices
We'll rattle the foundation
Debris
We looked at what
We left behind
Laid it to rest
I've gazed for miles
What lies ahead
It never ends...
~TPC
Ripped my teeth from these fair weathered fangs
And I built this life for you, funny
I never felt nothing
Until after the watchtower caved
I cut this fever free
Fought the famine with fistfuls of flames
And I give this life for you, funny
The backwards and burning
Just can't stop turning away
From the rooftops and fortresses
Perched on our porches
We'll sing
With these noises and voices
We'll rattle the foundation
Debris
We looked at what
We left behind
Laid it to rest
I've gazed for miles
What lies ahead
It never ends...
~TPC
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Anti Prop 8 and GLBTQQA
Hey you! What you doing for Equality, Liberty, Security, Love, Positivity, America, Humanity?
Rallies around the country, world -and right here in the Minneapolis and St Paul.
Article
CNN video
Facebook facebook also
website (local) website (national)
This info was way too late and anyway we are on evals... so lets try again in January (next pretest) ok?
Friday, November 14, 2008
None of yall motherfuckers ever update your shit, so you cant really complain can ya?
I know u all stop by for 2 seconds... I'm watching you.
Not like I ever have anything to say...
Lets see what can I complain about today...
My feet smell -cuz I been wearing slippers over my socks and its real hot.
Tomorrow I am hoping to wake up and go down to a local protest against all the ban on gay people stuff. Government center downtown minneapolis 12:30... but I think I might head down there like 11:30ish... probably be real cold. Probably be a struggle to get out of bed... still I feel like its super important. Solidarity and all.
I hope Natalie Portman is really as awesome as she seems. Its nice to think that there are really amazing people out there... making movies, doing shit, being sweet.
I'm pretty pathetic sometimes. I was thinking about how I could probably just go ask someone to coffee or something... I think my problem is that I have met many hundreds/thousands of wonderful people and if I were supposed to just randomly meet and date, I could have dated all of them... but now that I haven't doesn't mean that dropping some standard would be a dis to them? Oh whatever... I'm a judgmental sonofa and I'm also lonely and desperate sometimes -and sneezy.
Yesterday was really shitty at work because a bunch of high strung sleep deprived angsty adolescent motherfuckers threw temper tantrums when they didn't get shit their way. I was basically on babysitting duty, trying to do some good work in my spare time, and ended up being a fucking hall monitor to make sure people werent being too loud and causing a fuss while kids earned their credit (at the end of the trimester all the students turn in all their work for credit one at a time with all the teachers minus one who is on watch, if the student doesnt do any work their entire trimester is wasted, so the kids are stressed as fuck).
I have bought socks twice now to avoid doing laundry... and I have been wearing tight ass white undershirts and dress shirts cuz i got nothing else to wear.
In other news... I dislike my roommates when they dont do the dishes all week.
I'm such a piss ant.
I know u all stop by for 2 seconds... I'm watching you.
Not like I ever have anything to say...
Lets see what can I complain about today...
My feet smell -cuz I been wearing slippers over my socks and its real hot.
Tomorrow I am hoping to wake up and go down to a local protest against all the ban on gay people stuff. Government center downtown minneapolis 12:30... but I think I might head down there like 11:30ish... probably be real cold. Probably be a struggle to get out of bed... still I feel like its super important. Solidarity and all.
I hope Natalie Portman is really as awesome as she seems. Its nice to think that there are really amazing people out there... making movies, doing shit, being sweet.
I'm pretty pathetic sometimes. I was thinking about how I could probably just go ask someone to coffee or something... I think my problem is that I have met many hundreds/thousands of wonderful people and if I were supposed to just randomly meet and date, I could have dated all of them... but now that I haven't doesn't mean that dropping some standard would be a dis to them? Oh whatever... I'm a judgmental sonofa and I'm also lonely and desperate sometimes -and sneezy.
Yesterday was really shitty at work because a bunch of high strung sleep deprived angsty adolescent motherfuckers threw temper tantrums when they didn't get shit their way. I was basically on babysitting duty, trying to do some good work in my spare time, and ended up being a fucking hall monitor to make sure people werent being too loud and causing a fuss while kids earned their credit (at the end of the trimester all the students turn in all their work for credit one at a time with all the teachers minus one who is on watch, if the student doesnt do any work their entire trimester is wasted, so the kids are stressed as fuck).
I have bought socks twice now to avoid doing laundry... and I have been wearing tight ass white undershirts and dress shirts cuz i got nothing else to wear.
In other news... I dislike my roommates when they dont do the dishes all week.
I'm such a piss ant.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Friday, November 07, 2008
errrrr
What to say, slept through my plans for tonight (sorry laurel).
In one of my classes today I spent the hour talking to the students about expectations, responsibilities, taking your learning in to your own hands, finding ways to be excited about stuff that doesn't seem to matter. A student told me I did a good job.
The students asked for more recent stuff. Which is something I have been wanting to do anyway. I can't decide the scope though. In history you need to know what came before in order to understand the present, so how do I set a beginning date. I was thinking it would be nice to do a class on the last 60 years (since wwII) but I think that might be too much. Maybe just the last 28 or so... but then u need the 70s to explain the 80s and 90s.
You have to explain the state of Israel and the wars they had in order to understand Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Syria, Iraq and Iran.
The other class I am more excited for is going to be one on Activism in MN. I don't know yet whether I want to make it a winder trimester class, or a interim (a 2-3 week period with more "fun" classes). I am also thinking of a class where each day we learn about a part of history through graphic novels (I think I have about 4 good ones to start, which would probably be enough because we will never get through them).
I want to introduce more documentaries and videos into class, but they are so long that it takes a whole week to watch a movie.
One thing I haven't done very well with my class time at this school is breaking it into different types of learning (using different learning styles). The way the students get credit is through writing evaluations using their notes. Well this means that they need to be taking notes rather than doing projects etc. Its a little bit frustrating and causes one to simplify the lessons into things like a reading or two, or a lecture and a reading.
With more time I will work around this.
I also might need a laptop and a projector so I can make power-points with short video clips, pictures, music and things. I have been using it in Elections class and it works a lot better than sending kids to the computer lab and hoping they will follow instructions but the school's comp is a mac which makes it hard to transfer things sometimes. I have a hard enough time printing shit I do at home. Need to buy ink.
I realized today in two months I have only been able to pay my mom 500$ back from a 1000 loan. Which means in 4 paychecks I have been spending way too much, or I am not making all that much. When I took this job, I thought, wow this will be the most I have ever made and it is. But its still not that much when you are living on your own. Last summer I thought I would be able to buy either a new laptop or at least a 4 track digital audio recorder. I probably could buy the latter right now... but I am trying to save some, so I can pay my mom back next time.
I'm not sure where the money goes. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a second job... I sort of thing it would be awesome to work at the Smitten Kitten. Some days when I actually have energy I think about stopping in to pick up an application... but the reality is that I am usually dead tired every night.
Saving takes time I guess, no trips to Mexico for me.
The senate race (before the recount) is only 238 votes off. I think Franken has a really good chance, which makes me happy. But James also hasn't called me back.
Another movie then bed.
I wish I had someone to cuddle with(its officially been two years, woot anniversary).
In one of my classes today I spent the hour talking to the students about expectations, responsibilities, taking your learning in to your own hands, finding ways to be excited about stuff that doesn't seem to matter. A student told me I did a good job.
The students asked for more recent stuff. Which is something I have been wanting to do anyway. I can't decide the scope though. In history you need to know what came before in order to understand the present, so how do I set a beginning date. I was thinking it would be nice to do a class on the last 60 years (since wwII) but I think that might be too much. Maybe just the last 28 or so... but then u need the 70s to explain the 80s and 90s.
You have to explain the state of Israel and the wars they had in order to understand Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Syria, Iraq and Iran.
The other class I am more excited for is going to be one on Activism in MN. I don't know yet whether I want to make it a winder trimester class, or a interim (a 2-3 week period with more "fun" classes). I am also thinking of a class where each day we learn about a part of history through graphic novels (I think I have about 4 good ones to start, which would probably be enough because we will never get through them).
I want to introduce more documentaries and videos into class, but they are so long that it takes a whole week to watch a movie.
One thing I haven't done very well with my class time at this school is breaking it into different types of learning (using different learning styles). The way the students get credit is through writing evaluations using their notes. Well this means that they need to be taking notes rather than doing projects etc. Its a little bit frustrating and causes one to simplify the lessons into things like a reading or two, or a lecture and a reading.
With more time I will work around this.
I also might need a laptop and a projector so I can make power-points with short video clips, pictures, music and things. I have been using it in Elections class and it works a lot better than sending kids to the computer lab and hoping they will follow instructions but the school's comp is a mac which makes it hard to transfer things sometimes. I have a hard enough time printing shit I do at home. Need to buy ink.
I realized today in two months I have only been able to pay my mom 500$ back from a 1000 loan. Which means in 4 paychecks I have been spending way too much, or I am not making all that much. When I took this job, I thought, wow this will be the most I have ever made and it is. But its still not that much when you are living on your own. Last summer I thought I would be able to buy either a new laptop or at least a 4 track digital audio recorder. I probably could buy the latter right now... but I am trying to save some, so I can pay my mom back next time.
I'm not sure where the money goes. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a second job... I sort of thing it would be awesome to work at the Smitten Kitten. Some days when I actually have energy I think about stopping in to pick up an application... but the reality is that I am usually dead tired every night.
Saving takes time I guess, no trips to Mexico for me.
The senate race (before the recount) is only 238 votes off. I think Franken has a really good chance, which makes me happy. But James also hasn't called me back.
Another movie then bed.
I wish I had someone to cuddle with(its officially been two years, woot anniversary).
Thursday, November 06, 2008
always sleepy
It sucks when you want to sleep always.
I slept from like 6-11ish... granted it was not good sleep... cats constantly jumping on me. Movie playing too loudly...
I am so fucking allergic to the cats some times. makes my eyes itchy, makes them dry, makes them want to close.
in other news.
A student the other day called me "pathetic" in front of the class. He was extremely frustrated and I talked to him about it after class for about ten minutes.
Several students came to my aid and said he should be kicked out.
I understood his frustration, so I didn't need to kick him out. His outburst also made the class shut up, so it accomplished what needed to happen.
But its hard when students begin to expect punishment, rather than logical decisions.
Students shouldn't say things like "make an example." fuck that. Be an example.
These students will drop swear words and threats for any little thing, I'd like to show them that you don't have to take everything personally. I have a good relationship with this student and he is a good kid. I know that he said it out of frustration and I can forgive him that, what I cannot forgive is the three of four jokers who have now dropped this word jokingly as they walk down the hall. That is not OK.
Besides the kid was right and I told him why. I have a really hard time kicking kids out of class when it is more than one. If there are 6 kids talking, I cant very well pick one and say you deserve to leave, while those 5 stay. That would be silly. So I am planning on having a little chat with the class about all this. Eventually I want to see students encouraging good behaviors out of students. I want to see students engaged in their own learning, and when they are frustrated I would like them to raise their hands and calmly and respectfully say to the class "Hey guys, I know you are just trying to stay interested here, but I am having a hard time concentrating because I can't hear the speaker, can we please respect the classroom rules and pay attention?"
-because if a kid said that, I would have no problem kicking the next irritating person out of class, but when it is the class.... well shit, sorry guys, life isn't supposed to be all fun... lets struggle through this.
I slept from like 6-11ish... granted it was not good sleep... cats constantly jumping on me. Movie playing too loudly...
I am so fucking allergic to the cats some times. makes my eyes itchy, makes them dry, makes them want to close.
in other news.
A student the other day called me "pathetic" in front of the class. He was extremely frustrated and I talked to him about it after class for about ten minutes.
Several students came to my aid and said he should be kicked out.
I understood his frustration, so I didn't need to kick him out. His outburst also made the class shut up, so it accomplished what needed to happen.
But its hard when students begin to expect punishment, rather than logical decisions.
Students shouldn't say things like "make an example." fuck that. Be an example.
These students will drop swear words and threats for any little thing, I'd like to show them that you don't have to take everything personally. I have a good relationship with this student and he is a good kid. I know that he said it out of frustration and I can forgive him that, what I cannot forgive is the three of four jokers who have now dropped this word jokingly as they walk down the hall. That is not OK.
Besides the kid was right and I told him why. I have a really hard time kicking kids out of class when it is more than one. If there are 6 kids talking, I cant very well pick one and say you deserve to leave, while those 5 stay. That would be silly. So I am planning on having a little chat with the class about all this. Eventually I want to see students encouraging good behaviors out of students. I want to see students engaged in their own learning, and when they are frustrated I would like them to raise their hands and calmly and respectfully say to the class "Hey guys, I know you are just trying to stay interested here, but I am having a hard time concentrating because I can't hear the speaker, can we please respect the classroom rules and pay attention?"
-because if a kid said that, I would have no problem kicking the next irritating person out of class, but when it is the class.... well shit, sorry guys, life isn't supposed to be all fun... lets struggle through this.
Its the music
Some times a song is just right...
tonight "Comin'Home" by Hum and "Scar Tissue" by the chili peppers came on, and they both sounded perfect and matched with my inner nature so that I could be moved without even paying attention.
tonight "Comin'Home" by Hum and "Scar Tissue" by the chili peppers came on, and they both sounded perfect and matched with my inner nature so that I could be moved without even paying attention.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Post Election Day recap
Yesterday Barack Obama did something no Democrat has done in 8 years. He won the presidential race and not only that, but took back states such as Nevada, Indiana, Ohio, Colorado, New Mexico, Virginia, Florida? and maybe even Missouri and North Carolina. It was a tremendous win as newscasters called it even before the West Coast polls closed. Many were overjoyed, including a hundred thousand at a park in Chicago and quite a few at my house.
Not to make the win a "race thing," and not to say that racism is over, but 46 years ago black people couldn't vote in the south and now a black man is President. The son of a Kenyan man who was a student here. A President Elect who went to school in another country. A President Elect, who basically grew up fatherless. Its not to say that Obama isn't a wealthy elite now, but he didn't grow up that way and a generation ago the thought was considered a dream and now its a reality.
Beautiful.
I would never say something like "only in America" because that would be ignorant to the stories of so many in other places, but in our America I am glad to have seen this day.
That being said...
Minnesota, thanks for passing the amendment, now What the FUCK?
You reelected a nutcase(Bachmann), a guy who uses racist campaign propaganda(Paulsen) and an now openly corrupt asshole (Coleman).
5/8 aint bad, and I know how many people think Franken is a dick, but in what fucked up world are you living in if you think Barkley and Coleman are better?
I blame all this entirely on the Twin Cities Suburbs and it makes me ashamed.
All this pissed me off. I was frustrated this morning, I didn't know what to think, and then I looked at the State Ballot Measures
Arizona FUCK YOU
Arkansas FUCK YOU
California FUCK YOU
Florida FUCK YOU
Michigan, you are funny
Nebraska FUCK YOU
My boss is a Lesbian, I pointed out the Arkansas initiative,
her response was something like
"they dont even think were human"
and I immediately burst into tears, because she said it.
She said it
-I'm happy about the presidential race,
but all around me I see people denying the humanity of others.
How could I not be hurt, angry and saddened by it?
Truly a bittersweet day.
Not to make the win a "race thing," and not to say that racism is over, but 46 years ago black people couldn't vote in the south and now a black man is President. The son of a Kenyan man who was a student here. A President Elect who went to school in another country. A President Elect, who basically grew up fatherless. Its not to say that Obama isn't a wealthy elite now, but he didn't grow up that way and a generation ago the thought was considered a dream and now its a reality.
Beautiful.
I would never say something like "only in America" because that would be ignorant to the stories of so many in other places, but in our America I am glad to have seen this day.
That being said...
Minnesota, thanks for passing the amendment, now What the FUCK?
You reelected a nutcase(Bachmann), a guy who uses racist campaign propaganda(Paulsen) and an now openly corrupt asshole (Coleman).
5/8 aint bad, and I know how many people think Franken is a dick, but in what fucked up world are you living in if you think Barkley and Coleman are better?
I blame all this entirely on the Twin Cities Suburbs and it makes me ashamed.
All this pissed me off. I was frustrated this morning, I didn't know what to think, and then I looked at the State Ballot Measures
Arizona FUCK YOU
Arkansas FUCK YOU
California FUCK YOU
Florida FUCK YOU
Michigan, you are funny
Nebraska FUCK YOU
My boss is a Lesbian, I pointed out the Arkansas initiative,
her response was something like
"they dont even think were human"
and I immediately burst into tears, because she said it.
She said it
-I'm happy about the presidential race,
but all around me I see people denying the humanity of others.
How could I not be hurt, angry and saddened by it?
Truly a bittersweet day.
