first off if a z or a y are mixed up its cuz they have different key boards.

So i cut my hair thats the three year thing, and i washed it for the first time since i left, and it looks pretty fucked up which i like, i left one braid as long and most of the rest goes down to maybe my ears at the longest, but its really uneven, like parts are real real short like rus style. (steve( so anywaz thats that, second at the last place, i stayed in amsterdam they had these weird bugs crawling all over, and we didnt know what they were, but we assumed they were normal so i slept therre like 3 nights. but then this mexican guy woke up one mornign talking real lous in spanish to the two spanish guys and they tried to translate why me and the canadian girl should leave. I asked is it safe to stay one more night_? and they said no,. so i hopped on a train to prague. But if i ome back early with a blood infectio its cuz the "chiaches" or something got me, anywaz they couldnt translate the name, but it souded like ticks. Um so prague is nice, old, poor, the eyxcahnge rate is actually 32 to 1 us dollar, today i got a double scoop of icecream for 50 cents. it was roughly the size of a double kids scoop but worth it. I get these little bun things 32 for a buck cuz they are like cheap. I dont know what else to say, absinthe is legal here and it costs 1.40 US for a glass. I almost want to do it just cuz it is so cheap. people drink it here alot but it is manily for the tourists. maybe i will have some maybe no. I will hopefully staz here a while unless its real cold tomorrow or something, i dont know it seemed nice today. Uh more later, oh yeah comments werent working today so i dont know what anybodz said if thez said anzthing. here is some symbols +ěščřžýáíé,.-§ů
ů§)ú== oh yeah, its all good baby. I did wake up real sad but the city soothed me today. Its like that the first few days in a city i have a good time, then it gets worse, and i move on. no idea yet where to next. pete feel free to e mail me, i only wrote illy cuz she is coming if u write me i will write back. thats the same for everyone pretty much, at least when i have time. Oh well i will write later this place is free once u buy a drink, and a coke costs about žé cents so err 60 peace and love i bee thinking of all of you more so than normal believe me, my dreams are wonderful and loving and then i wake up and im only sad cuz i got no one to share my love with. I will see everyone soon. oh yeah i got 200 in under an hour in germany they are a smilin people though, i will share more later I have said that too many times. adios

upcoming stories for when i find cheaper internet access.

the three years is up

I may be tick infested

prague is my new hometown

Germany is nice, i will return sometime

uh the exchange rate is like 28 to 1 usa

hmmm oh yeah

I think I will write like 50 small little things now...

\\\so the other day at 7:00 in the morning, while it was raining in Amsterdam, i fell asleep at an Internet cafe for 5 mins, and got kicked out. No warning.

So I spent most of yesterday, unhappy, or rather exhausted and miserable.

Last night I once again befriended the man from central train station. He told me he is homeless and i asked him a few questions about it. He drank beer and watched people. He says 'life is hard, very hard." especially in the winter. He doesn't seem to judge, but does make faces at people, and whispers things to women as they walk by.

(I just wrote like this long post and erased it accidently so now i have to write it all over again)

2 men from Belgium started hitting on me at the train station. This didn't bother me, but i was sort of uncomfortable by how close they were to me (personal space)
They eventually just asked "do you like girls or boys?" i answered girls and they left rather quickly. I was sort of sad when they left, not cuz i wanted to be hit on, but it was nice to talk to people.

So feeling lonely, I got a piece of scrap paper 5x7 and wrote smile on it in large block letters. Then held it in my lap so people passing by would see it. I got 104 people to smile, and all i did was hold it and smile at people. (keep in mind this is a cold wet night in Amsterdam) It was great. Also several people made enthusiastic comments, gave thumbs up, and 2 people even had their picture taken with me. They offered money and i said i was fine.

I felt good after that. I celebrated by buying a full meal. Sadly it was at McDonald's.

Last night I talked to Paulo and Borja who are from Barcelona. All the Spanish people i have met have been really nice. Borja is apparently a popular spanish name, but me and a Canadian girl both had never heard it before.

I went to the Van Gogh museum today. Its rather nice, I am a fan. I took notes on techniques i liked.

I also went to a the rijksmuseum which is a huge art museum they takes more than an hour to see, but thats all i had before they closed.

I feel like creating masterpieces, but have no talent, patience, strength, or time.

I haven't written or drawn anything really, nothing decent. I am getting lots of inspiration i suppose, but yeah.

I have decided once again that I really like Adrianne's writing tonight. This is like the 50 millionth time. I wish i could write like her and her friends, but it would be very un me like. I have no polish, or paint.

Also I keep getting homesick. its not like in London with the panic attacks or whatever, its just like nostalgia, and a need for warmth. I think things like "life is so much nicer when your mom takes care of everything and you can just enjoy it as it comes."

They feed rolls to the birds here, i am jealous sometimes. I have been looking all over town for cheap food, i find very little. I did eat melonsalade today which was good. But watermelon is out of season.

I probably have like 9 million more things to complain about but i will spare you and go back to trying to figure out where to go next. Peace and love, G' journey to you all.

A day with some cats (ah yes the old bold)

I hooked up with Michael today, walked to his hostel early this morning, caught him and his pals checking out. Really a budget hotel not a hostel but the difference is minimal.
I decided I should follow them around for the day, I did. Michael, connor (er) Angie and a new girl Sabina (i think?) I don't know it was a weird name and i didn't feel like asking 4 million times i just said "what up" when ever i needed to talk to her.

First off we went to get breakfast. Now my breakfast here (if i decided to eat which i normally don't) would consist of say, stale pita bread, or a snickers. First Michael ran off and got some space muffins or something (just think, space is an interesting place, therefor muffins from space are, yep you got it interesting.. )Then when he returned triumphant, they decided to go to a pancake house. It was a nice place, chill environment, no Perkins but it was pretty nice. I looked at the menu which came in a variety of languages and decided all the prices were too high. I ordered a coke, 1.70 Thats pretty much equal value to our money. They ordered an assortment of things, waffles, pancakes, eggs, chicken and fries. Cappacinos, orange juice, coffee. I knew they had money, but it still seemed excessive. They had a list(not an actual physical list but yeah) of things to do that day including get high, check out the Anne frank house, go to a coffee shop called the gray area, and uh check out a tattoo shop. I think thats it. Yeah so the get high thing was accomplished immediately after breakfast, around he corner at a place called the bulldog. A "coffee shop" which of course means weed. The place was interesting, a bit crowded. It was a former jail, like a small one in the 80s and you could write all over the walls and bars (like prison bars) I did the taffyman from Jr high days and wrote something like "did not toke" or something. Then um we went off to the Anne Frank House. Now I did not have a hotel for the night, and wondered if it would be better to skip the house, and find a bed. I mean I had seen the outside of the house, before and its really no big thrill, plus they took away all the shit they had anyway, so I couldn't imagine anything worth the money or the time to go and see. (even if that makes me sound like a jerk, its just what i was thinking at the time)
Anyway Eventually i decided to go in and pay the 6.50 or whatever it was and i do not regret it. Not that there was a whole lot to see or anything, but it was just the emotions you get out of reading quotes from the diary and seeing pictures and certain things from the era, oh and the videos, some of the interviews. I tried really hard not to cry but its rough man. Its like a preprogrammed thing, even though i constantly try to shock myself and stuff, still you show me some stuff from those camps, and some quotes and I'm a crying fool. Some shit is just to unbelievably horrible. It pains me to realize shit like that is possible. Still I go to the red light district. (coming up soon) Anyway i think they were kinda overwhelmed as well, they didn't really talk about it, but being pot heads they of course wanted to get high as quick as possible.
The gray area (grey possibly)
this is a coffee shop where many famous people have visited, or rather many popular pot smoking musicians. It is however, tiny. They had 3 very small tables, and a bar that ran along the side but it was like a 6x6 space tops. Anyway we chilled there for awhile, listening to phish like music, talking about random things, them getting high. Between the 2 shops so far they already had a few muffins and several bags of weed, did i mention they went to like 7-8 shops last night buying grams at every shop? no ok well they did. Now they were buying grams, eighth's (sp?) joints, and teas. Anyway they were way past the legal limit (5 grams, use to be 20) Not that the police enforce but yeah. Um from there they wanted to find this house boat hostel, or coffee shop or something but it was a boat. They couldn't find it though and after an hour of walking decided it best to settle for a random coffee house. They got more weed, some coffee and snickers and we sat in the basement lounge area and watched the longest game of chess ever, between Angie and Conner. Not that they were bad or anything just slow moving. Actually they were bad but i cant honestly say i would have been better in their place. Plus i realized i was a little high from the second hand smoke. THis is weird for me, not cuz i have never been high just cuz well i don't think i like it. It makes me sleepy, laugh at stupid shit, and hungry, and i finished my can of pringles. Then we left there, in search of more food, cuz well they had the munchies. Or possibly we were still searching for the boat, I don't really know. Anyway we stopped at this place and got some fries, and they were pretty good and warmed me up and i ate them with a small plastic fork that they give you here. Its like a taster spoon for ice cream only a fork. Anyway you can get a pretty decent portion of fries here for about 2 bucks. Its like a meal. From there we just kinda wandered around, and Michael was looking for a new glass piece, cuz his had broken, but um he didn't find one. We ended up in another coffee shop where they again smoked up and bought some space bon bons which look like sprinkle covered reeces peanut butter cups. They were like 3 buck for 2 i think. I'm still amazed at how much cash these guys spend, but i suppose they don't have to pay for like the week of food or bed, just weekends. (they live in a castle, and go to school there)
Um from there we were headed back to their hotel and i got us lost, even though i was completely sure of where i was going. Fucked up Amsterdam gets you lost every time.
Ok so it was like 7 or 8 and i didn't have a hotel, so i asked around a bit. Nope. See Amsterdam has like a million budget hotels nd hostels. They also have like 50 billion tourists on the weekends, Europeans who take a weekend holiday. So if you don't have reservations by like Friday night, you ain't getting nothing. Luckily enough the weather tonight is agreeable, fairly warm, and not too rainy. Also Amsterdam, despite the fact that most of the stores close at 6:30 has a decent night life. Clubs, pubs, coffee shops, cafes, snack stands, 24 hour Internet cafes (its 3:00 AM) and a red light district.

The red light district
"I could tell I was almost there because it smelled like fish."

Sadly or thankfully that is not even a vaginal joke really, because you see historically the red light district is where the sailors and fishermen would go to have their spirits lifted so to speak. So it is kinda along the harbor. But most of it did not smell like fish, more like urine and pot.

So yes i went to the red light district, for those of you who don't know, the red light district is where all the sex is, because prostitution is legal here. the women even have a union, and pay taxes and stuff. Actually I learned today that the red light district was like a block from my first hostel here. Which is pretty much just slightly south east of central station for those of you planning on coming here at some point. (the cannabis cup is in November i think)Anyway there are 3 reasons I went. 1 cuz i knew it would be up and running and i had hours to kill. 2 cuz it is a major thing here and tourists are expected to go, i mean its like famous for this. 3 cuz I am a pervert, i mean i am.

So the women stand in front of large window pains, in bathing suits mostly (no real nudity unless u pay) and people walk by. If you are interested in their services, you stand in front and they say yes or no. Then you talk money, which is usually 50 EURO. Then you walk inside do your thing, and they pull the curtain down so no one can see. All th windows have red neon lights over them so you know they are prostitutes. Also in this area there are numerous, strip/sex shows. As well as porn shops. And of course bars and coffee shops for when you are sick of being a pervert and want to watch others do it. So um what can i say... heres some thing i heard
"they are really good at it too" ~excited guy to friends
"I should get up and dance like that"~girl to her friend
"it has really gotten bad lately" ~older man to his wife and another couple
"I don't think sex is a problem anymore for people." girl to friend talking about sex as a job, and the outcome.

Plus lots more in many languages on every sex related topic. Also 2 old English men walked by me (probably drunk) and said rather loudly "I thought that was a girl!" then I too turned around (not wanting to go down that alley) following them out and the guy turned around and gave me a real good look over as if i wasn't standing like 3 feet from him. I'm talking like a real look. Which is weird cuz i probably have more facial hair then ever before being as that i havena shaved since like my friends went to college or something. Hmm. I checked out the porn shops, they have real teen porn here, its kinda weird. Also everything you could possibly imagine. Its weird cuz you don't necessarily feel like a pervert there, cuz everyone there went there to see sex. I didn't pay for anything except the sex museum, which is a gallery or erotic art, and like the history or something. 5 euro. They have lots of art and sculptures, from many different cultures. Some drawings by john lennon, some sex comic books, a cartoon that is really long (like hours) and just pure sex, but kinda funny even though i don't speak Dutch. And they have actual porn, phone sex, and like mannequins and stuff. Its kinda interesting.
What else can I say, I got offered coke and acid several times. The way they do it is they just say the name while you walk by and if you are interested you go talk to them.
Hmm the have really public urinals here, like big plastic things (hard to describe) and these green metal booths. Basically though people can tell you are going to the bathroom. Its better then the 50 cent thing though.

Oh food here comes in cones (sometimes) I got fries today twice in a cone. (also they do use mayo and it is the grossest thing) Also I got carrots in a cone. Something about the cone, its weird. Originally I thought not good container for food (despite the fact i work at an ice cream place, its different) but now I'm thinking the cone works.

My umbrella is broken, did i mention that? I think I must have. It flew off several times today. Its fun but not when its raining. I haven't showered in like 3 days. I haven't changed my pants in like 2 weeks. my hair has not been shampoo-ed since before i left, and it is still in braids. I have not done wash yet. My bag is still too heavy.

I miss my music collection, today i had like 8 different song in my head from my cds and i was like "damnit. why can i listen." oh that reminds me, in the porn shops they play weird music, like in some its techno stuff which seems ok but in some its like phil collins. Seriously i heard him and a bunch of other like early 90s late 80s light rock/parent music artist several times in the shops. It was disturbing. This cafe has been playing bad rap and r&B.

Oh to explain the name in the last post (comments), when i was there i kept bumping into people and i didnt want to sound like a stupid american saying sorry and excuse me so i said "pardon" and "excuse moi" or whatever in a cheesy french accent. Cuz someone did it to me and it sounded cooler. Also I ran into a couple of people i had met before in this city. Some people have like tour guides, or like their friends explain the district to them its fun to listen, you dont learn anything thats not obvious but its funny to hear old people reactions "ooohhh i get it." "wow i had no idea.." stuff like that

I realize yall have even read the shit from yesterday yet but oh well, today sucked. I'm pretty sure the natives dont have game called trick the tourist into walkin like 10 extra miles in the rain, but thins would make sense if they did.
I dont really have anything else to say, i am cold and wet, and exhausted and should be about 30 mins from my hostel but it will take me 3 hours to et there. At least this time I dont have all my bas with me like this mornin. Also my umbrella is a 2 piece. 1 half handle and lower part, second half umbrella and upper part.
Oh well it should have been time to think, reevaluate, contemplate, but it was too wet for that. I need to chill out. I need to relax in a coffee shop with friends, I cannot find michal A. We should have been about 4 blocks apart, i spent 2 hours and saw a good deal of the city. I need a decent map. My last one wasnt water proof. Im sorry for writing depressin shit, or err um rough shit. Yesterday I realized while readin another blog that that stuff only brings a reader down. I know yall dont want to be down, but as the dumass who keeps etting lost in amsterdam I need somewhere to vent, and im usin this cuz i dont think they will just let me sit in here and write in my diary. Im wondering where there is a place where it is not cold and rainy, maybe greece, maybe i should walk to greece. My card got denied in the phone booth. I dont know if that means it just doesnt work in a phone booth or if im really in trouble. I be back later im gonna sit in this internet cafe for like 2 more hours so i will probably write again. Adios

my night at the train station
I sat down in the train station, sat and watched people for an hour or two. A man sat near me, he at first acted aloof, untouchable, very much his own man. He was dark and mysterious, and quiet. If people asked him things he would mumble or groan something out. His friends came up said hi and walked on. This man kept giving me looks. For a long time I wondered why. I watched other people, people who belonged there, people who passed through. A small man who looked very boyish because of his size, ran through are sitting area and it dawned on me. I was in his spot. I was new, a new character for the assembly. These people were personalities at work, and my existence in or near his spot, disrupted his character. At first he did not know how to respond. This infraction must have happened before, but why should he change? His role was constant, he sat, he watched, he played his part. Now I, a new comer had challenged this role, and he had to adapt, his character had to change to meet the circumstances, and so, he offered me a sandwich. I of course declined, however the offer was there. I looked around and saw these characters in play, everywhere.

I wonder if everywhere we go, every place, every interaction is just one big scene. How well do we improvise to fit the scene. How often do we play a supporting role, how often do we steal the show?

Its about a mile to my hostel. Its cold out. I don't want to go back yet. I am waiting for Michael A to write me but i have no assurance he will.
My mom says she wants me to get a real job when i get back. like 30-40 hours a week. Its weird cuz i was already thinking about doing that, but now that she wants me to I don't like the idea. Rebel spirit crosses oceans. I walked for 10 mins to get to the Mcdonald's (the free public bathroom) I man stood there in a nice sweater and asked for 20 euro cents or whatever. I had to give him 50 cuz i didn't have change. That pissed me off cuz all day I have been telling homeless people i cant give them money (making me feel like shit) and then i give 50 cents to some dick who stands outside a McDonald's bathroom. Why cant the homeless get that job? There are like 50 McDonald's around thats 50 people. add burger king and kfc and pizza hut and all the stupid little places and we no longer have a homeless problem. Hostels for everyone.

I had 2 things to say earlier that got erased. Both from the airport this morning around 3-4 AM (i spent the night)

1. I amazed at how we value security. Like the security of knowing where we will be in 2 hours. I will probably be in my hostel in 2 hours, but maybe not. There is like a million things that could keep me from being in my hostel in 2 hours and yet i feel secure thinking i will be there. I get enormous comfort from thinking i will b safe and warm tonight. This is weird. This false sense of security has the ability to drive my day. I can be happy or sad depending on where i think i will be in 2 hours. Like with the work thing my mom wants, I feel depressed cuz there is a possibility i will have to go to work when i get home. Like a new work. So weird.

2 and this is a joke, actually like a cartoon but you have to use your imaginations. Its like a cartoon for one of those 365 day flip calendars things.

Image- man sitting on desert island alone, surrounded by water.

Caption- on the 65th day Bob had a revelation, he stopped looking around for people before passing gas.

That was incredibly funny at the Edinburgh airport at 4 AM

peace and love Taffy

I thought i might give yall a bit more to read in case that last part was too boring for ya. (not that this section will be better) Actually i was trying to get a hold of Michael so i might as well use my 24 hours of free Internet access.

So Amsterdam the big cannabis tet city, and it is too. I have na yet been in a "coffee shop" because i thought it might ruin the experience when Michael shows me one tomorrow but eh they look interesting and smell nice. The majority of people smoking on the street still seem to be smoking cigs though, which is kinda gross, but they do mostly roll their own here which is fun to watch.

I have been in a few shops which all sell the same things, paraphernalia, random shirts, mugs, shot glasses, flags, hats, posters, cards, and videos with pot and sex themes. As well as umbrellas (in a sec) and some tulip and windmill stuff for the grandparents.

Every few hours I find myself just staring at things noticing how beautiful the world is, the blue sky the white clouds, and then as if the weather is some how controlled by my own self hatred it starts raining out of nowhere. Ok its more like sprinkling but it has sprinkled like 5 times today. They last for like 5-10 mins and then you walk on.

I wish i had kristen or nikki here to translate some dutch for me, its not hard to figure out stuff (especially cuz half of it has a picture or english) but i think it would be funny to learn direct translations of stuff. This hit me in the candy store, what do they call candy necklaces?
A but more on the language though. The rhythm and timing and phrasing all seem very similar to english, so when you see someone from far away having a conversation you assume english, then you get near them and its gibberish.
The language is similar to german in that it isn't so beautiful.
However the people seem to be. The city is chill and nice, its a place a guy could find some lovin. And i think i will.
I went to a open market, non food market. It was pretty sweet and they had lots of cool lookin cats and some incredibly things to buy. The colors and patterns could make a guy go ga ga. Yes ga ga. Cool colorful clothes always make me wish i was a chica, so i could buy some sweet shit, and not get beat up for it. Amongst the dreads, and Indians, and Africans, and all sorts of people were some punks standing around in 5-6 person groups. They seemed kinda out of place with their large mohawks and such. I wondered if they followed the punk mentality (whatever that is) or if they just looked the part.

I went into a dentist office by accident, I thought the building (unknown at the time) was connected to the grocery store next door. It was not.

FOr some reason every time i get to a new hostel i think its really gross and creepy and untrustworthy. After a day or 2 i know its just a place, but still.

hmm i guess that is it, o yes, how does one say creamy peanut butter in dutch?

So i bought a 24 hour pass for this particular Internet cafe so i thought i might share some stuff i have na before...
none of this is spell checked

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First off some small things.

I saw this excellent guitarist in London down by piccadilly circus and he was like amazing, he played stuff that was kinda like you and the sound meets fish, john frusciante, radiohead, hendrix and yanni all kinda wrapped up together. Most of the stuff he played was very psychedlic sounding and very un POPish, like he would just end a song when he felt like it, could be 30 seconds could be 10 minutes. There was a problem though, although this kid was most excellent on the guitar his attitude could probably use a little work. Some of the things he said and did I knew were just for show, or just to make cash, like he would stop a song and say "im too bored to play right now." that would either get the crowd to give him more money or make them go away so he could get a paying crowd. I of course stayed. Second people would ask him to play hendrix or whatever and he would start the song and they would get all excited and then he would just stop and start something else, and or he would play around hendrix songs to the point where he kinda seemed like he was mocking the dead artist. I dunno

I had this dream of heaven, or rather the last test before heaven. It was a giant shopping mall where you were allowed to grab anything you wanted. Above the door was a sign that said trust in god and he will provide. (this is all outside of heaven or whatever)
so the people who had a lot of faith would look around and not find anything to bring, nothing seemed exciting they just wnated to go be with god.
The people who were basically good but didnt have the greatest faith, would pick up a few small things thinking that these would make them more worthy of being with god.
The people who were greedy and or had little faith in God ran around the store and filled huge carts full of stuff.

At the gate they would be asked like "is this all you need?" and ask why and stuff and basically giving them every chance to go back or prove their faith or whatever. I dunno just a dream

This kid in Edinburgh ran up to me with a crazy look in his eye and screamed "got a light?" over and over and it freaked me out cuz i had just gotten off the bus was a bit lost and it was like 10:30 at night and some crazy (probably drunk) 16 yr old was all up in my face.

In edinburgh pubs have cool names like, the scotsman, dirty dicks, and the bad ass.

I have come to the conclusion that art museums are unfair, not cuz they are pricey in fact they are cheap here, no, it is because they put all this beautiful shit up and then your brain gets beauty fucked and you end up like overwhelmed and cant understand english or something. Not to mention the last few paintings just dont seem as grand anymore.

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Did I tell ya about Chad?
Chad the Missouri Drunk
Chad had been in northern europe for a month and a half. In this time he aquired 2-3 hours worth of stories, entertaining stories, amazing and incredible stories, all revolving around 2 things, 1 of these was hiking, and the other.. yep drinking. Chad was born in wisconsin, but moved to Missouri to o to school. Chad isn't going back to that school, because chad and the dean don't appreciate eachother. Chad works in a bar, he is a bouncer and bartender. Chad made a note to tell me he drinks when he is at the bar. Chad brings his dog to the bar, and drinks with the dog (i think) Chad went to northern Europe with 2 friends, they stayed in $30 hotels and hostels. They drank, often. All day in fact. Chad told me many amusing stories about him and his friends involving strippers, hookers, bouncers, bartenders, maids, and several other interesting characters all revolving around alcohol. When chad's friend decided to leave europe, chad (though broke) decided he had to see more. Or rather drink more. He went to Britain. Britain quenched Chad's thirst several times an hour. When had wasn't drinking he was hiking. Chad hiked all over and then returned for a pint, or 5. One day chad decided (becasue he was broke for the second time) to hike from one city to another. 25 miles was no problem for Chad, he was a man. Chad took a wrong turn. Chad didn't go back, he was a man. Chad hiked, and hiked, and hiked. Chad went to bed, chad woke up shivering. Chad hiked some more. Chad passed out, twice. Chad woke up and hiked even more. Chad found himself in a new town a little over 24 hours after leving the last one. He had hiked through 50 miles of scottish highland. Chad then sat around for 3 days drinking. Chad hiked one day and came apon a deer. Chad pursued the deer. Chad ran 2 miles off path. Chad followed deer into a swamp. CHad got really wet. Chad didnt like the deer, but he figured it was worth it once he had a pint. Chad went back to the states, to have more beer.

(sorry for all the chads just way too much fun)

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ok just 2 more things
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two old jewish men talk (straight from my journal)

next to me sat two men, not completely clear they were jewish, but in the course of conversation it seemed they must be. They talk of common law marriages, social programs, pc politics, spies, and such. I try to follow. They try to explain (to eachother) who would object and why. They make comments about christians and muslims, not in disrespect, more just what they would think. They make references to things I have never heard of, things that just dont make sense, their similies and metaphors wind and twist, they seem to jump from thought to thought somehow following eachother. Like 2 actors on a stage improvising a glorious scene out of gibberish. two street preachers screaming rare obscenities to the crowd. The crowd unsure if it is genious, or madness. END


Some of you may wonder why made a point that they were jewish, this takes some explaining. I met a man named Mo a week ago. Mo is a very nice guy and likes to make people feel comfortable. Mo is a non practicing muslim, he thinks its funny that I a christian do not drink while he a Muslim does. Mo has a friend. Mo's friend is french and also a very nice and respectable guy. The frenchman respects religious people greatly because he himself tried to be religious for a long time and feels he failed. So he looks up to people who can handle it. (me in this case, he bought me a coke) Now Mo and his friend are not antisemetic, but they both feels the Jews are a "clever" people. They exlplain this by saying that God favored the jews and so made them clever. They both think the Jews in their cleverness run the world (to a large degree at least)
If Mo and his french friend had been riding on the bus with me, and heard these 2 men talking politics the way they were, they would have turned to me and said "see, cleverness, they hide theird words and plot things behind our backs."
I would then have told them about me and my friends. The way we talk the things we say, phrases, quotes, references. I would have told them about how gabi(a very intelligent girl) has told me on several occasions that she often doesnt know what me and pete are talking about because we talk the way we do. Too many movies tv shows video games songs experiences she hasnt shared. These men probably grew up with eachother. They are probably best friends. When one finishes a book he gives it to the other, when one sees something on tv he calls the other up. They are interested in politics, they have shared their views and experiences with eachother. Just two friends chatting.

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last night i went to a Hare Krsna service. It was interesting. I don't know what to say about it for now except, it works for them, so i wish them good luck.
I will take what I can from them. They also have a really nice incense, and cool hair, and good energy. they taught me "gouranga" (be happy) while i down the block a little ways told me people to smile more, we did this unknowingly for at least an hour. The world is beautiful. I am in amsterdam and you can smell herb walking down the street. I might send some of yall some post cards.

hows everyone doin? everything goin ok ? aol is not sending my mail or at least not telling me they are, so i dunno corporations suck. i forgot what i was gonna write about again.

Its 6:45 or 18:45 if you are here i had no idea they went on military time but they do. it takes a min to get use to. some other things that take a min,
A. currency exchange (always remind yourself a £1 is not $1) a euro is though roughly
B. um people drive on the left side of the street, but there are many one ways, this isnt really hard to remember just dont know which way to look for turning cars.
C. um if someone says "you got a fag?" or "got a light for a fag?" they arent asking about homosexuals. (i knew that before i came, and still i am shocked everytime.)

hmm like i may have said in comments(one of my comments got erased), i went to 5 museums today thats was fun, 3 art, 2 history. I have to go stay at the airport tomorrow night and i dont know when the last bus to the aiport is.

I am gonna run out of money, the english people are rather cheap when giving money. I gave a guy a half can of pringles today. Its weird cuz i probably have enough money to get us both a bed and food for a month, but im trying to stretch that money so that i can get a bed and food for like 2 and a half months. I feel selfish everytime i walk by. um so u can walk around edinburgh, like rather then take a bus (there are 4 bus companies) but your legs will get tired cuz its hill country. Another thing to remember if you ever come here, just cuz its blue sky and sunny, with only a few clouds, doesnt mean its not gonna rain in 2 mins. Also if the people you walk by look, worried, frustrated, or pissed off that is normal. The majority or europeans look that way when walking, I discovered this with pete and zach and some cats while in italy. I think it is like a defense to keep the wind and rain out of their faces. But if i come back and look that way all the time its just cuz i came here. Also they dont get much fruit up here, so bring your own, and pulp free orange juice is "smooth style" with "no bits". I guess thats all for now i will update when i get to amsterdam probably thursday or friday. unless i am really bored tomorrow.

Ok so a couple of things, the other day i went out with Michael A and his friends good people good times, made me feel happy and have hope again. Yesterday I took a bus from London to Edinburgh, I like Edinburgh its a good place, but its gray and rainy as well, which is not so good. I have never had SAD explained to me so well then to live the past few days. So I have all these stories I was gonna write but I dont think I have time, so maybe later, most of em are in my journal anyway so I can write them later and yall can keep up, Im gonns go walk around a bit today. Things I like about Edinburgh(the short list, many more not included) I like the accent people have. I like the red and gold sidewalk near my hostel, I like the fact that there is a giant cliff, and all along that cliff are cool castles churches and old buildings that are rather impressive. I like the fact that the map of Edinburgh that they give out looks like the city (unlike london) I like the fact that I have seen man y hot chicas here in the day I have been here. I like the fact that there is a cool hostel for £11 near the castle (I dnt like the fact I am no longer staying there) I like the fact that people are basically friendly, I like the fact that they dress for winter so I dont stand out (like in london) I like the fact that I can have like an hour and 12 mins on the internet for a pound. Um hmm here is the plan, stay here a few more days check out the town, hopefully fly to amsterdam thursday and have hostel available. Meet up with michael A and friends thursday night or friday spend weekend with them. More to come sorry everything sounds so shitty lately. Also dont believe anything i say on here, I mean London people do smile occasionally just not often, and not all of them are drunk when they do, just most. My descriptions will be entirely based on how i am feeling. But London is still the most expensive city i think.
Oh yeah i am home sick for the first time in my life, which is a weird feelings and i dont even know if thats what this is, but it would make sense so yeah, I see and hear my friends and family everywhere, or rather things remind me of them, and then I get kinda sad. Also that thing that happened in Bali is really sad and they play shit on the news here and I cry way too easily. hmm this trip will get better, not that its been bad, how about this my mindset will get better. but if it doesnt it will just mean i get to visit all of yall and see your beautiful faces again. Pete they say cheers here more than you can imagine you would have a time. we should have done this together, we will sometime in the future. Also if anyone wants to come out here feel free just bring a friend ask me if ya want its good times. Oh my god this is all babble oh well. Peace and love yall everyone hug the person next to you. Taff

Ok so I havent written in a few days right? well Um firstof all I went ot a new hostel, well actually a hotel, which you would think would be nicer but its actually alot more scummy. Thats not really a problem cuz its cheaper, and Michael A and his friends are at a hotel a block away(no vacancies there) Anyways I hung out with them this mornign and maybe later we might get together. They just went to the tower of london which I have seen before and is really expensive, before that we all went to the globe theater along the Thames (a dirty dirty river) and took the tour there which was nice but probably too expensive. I hear paris is expensive too, but london takes the cake, some of the cats im staying with at the hotels, and hostels actually have jobs and cant afford their own flat or dont have anyone to share it with. Uh yesterday I saw buckingham Palace and the park outside of it which is a really nice park. Also I saw the abby and parliament buildings and walked past new scotland yard twice which was kind of intimidating, and i went to an arcade and got some free tickets from a machine and got some candy with it, and sort of attended a high school film class, cuz i was near y while they were doing everything and i listened up. 2 days ago I went to herrods, the marble arch, and figured out the bus system, I got out of central london a bit which was nice. I saw/talked to a woman briefly who reminded me very much of Elizabeth S, which brightened up my day cuz she had the most energy and excitement of anyone I'd seen. By the way I did talk to some people at the last hostel one night and that was really good, but then I left the next day so that wasn't. Um the city is kinda i dunno i get really weird, like one minute im fine the next i have these weird depression anxiety attacks almost Its kinda like the same thing i use to get a couple of years ago only 2 or 3 times a day and not only depression but like fear. I try to tell myself to stop but my mind wanders easily. I think I might start thinking out loud.

So a couple of things I have learned from signs in london.
1. English people love to hump, and when they hump, they hump for yards.
2. "To let" apparently means to like rent or something like "flats to let" but I cant figure it out why
3. "Fowling a path" and "dumping rubbish" seem to be like the biggest worries of any london building owner/ resident.

Hmm some observations of people on the train. English people dont seem to be happy, at least Londoners. They almost never smile, always seem to be by themselves, and seem exhausted tired and kinda well drone like. They dont look at other people, are alone with their own thoughts often, and don't seem to like change anything. Even the people walking in the park didn't seem that happy. Just well more content. Also even though the buildings could be seen as beautiful they're all really cold and depressing.
My back is killing me today, I dont know why.

I have decided I can never live in a major city (especially if they are like this) for one you can't see anything above the buildings.
2 there isnt enough living things (grass trees)
3 Its kind of cold and depressing (at least here, and chicago)
4 I dont know why but i feel claustrophobis alot here.

So at the advice of Mchael A im gonna get over to the mainland soon. Probably right after my grama stops here on the way home from ireland. Before that though I will probably go to Edinburgh, just cuz i have fond memories and a couple of people said its nice to see.

1 more story, I was in st. james park just chillin, (cuz it was cold and i was tired) thats the park across from Buckingham by the way, and I saw this old guy (like 60)walking along with a pigeon on his shoulder. He seemed fine with it and kept walking, I amazed, kept watching him, after about 50 feet some more birds flew up and I was wondering if they too would land on his shoulder. One flew by his head and he got freaked, noticed the bird on his shoulder (apparently he hadn't before) flicked it off, got freaked out in the middle of the path and then walked fastly away checking his shoulder every few seconds. I was laughing my ass off.

hmm so Because of my over all down feelings I am very much looking forward to my brother coming to visit, and like many of you were thinking I will probably cut my trip much shorter than I had originally planned. I guess I just don't have what it takes (for now) This means Gabs I probably wont be around to see ya, but to make it up to ya I will visit you at college or something. HMM its so sad i really wanted to stay longer, I just need more people I know around, I am way too dependent on people. Thats one of the things i was gonna try to cut down on but eh. So I will probably return around my birthday, this is not set in stone if I really like the rest of europe or hook up with some cats or whatever I will of course extend it but eh. Maybe its just the mystery that bothers me like being afraid of the dark. Also I am afraid to spend money, and it keeps me from doing things I might normally do. Hmm so mid Jan probably which is like 3.5 months instead of 12-8 hmm unless i get a job or get hooked up with something or find the south to be really chill and nice a beautiful. But they do also say the first month is the hardest and after that its all good. the backpackers actually make me depressed a bit cuz they seem so pessimistic about things. Just hard working people I guess. Hmm I guess I will talk to yall later i hope everything is going fine back home and yall wont be too dissappointed in me coming back early. Peace and love Taff

Oh here heres the thing about hostel relationships anyway, you know how some of yall have had trouble making friend at college and stuff? now think about that and the people are only there for a night or 2 then they are gone. So some of you are like well shouldnt that be easier? like everyone knows they have a time limit so they make the most of it but no cuz they are human, not always confident, used to being on their own, already with people they know, live there, or have no energy as well. So at least at this hostel its a bunch of people (all ages) watching tv. saaaaddddddd (thats a staph L sad) oh well sorry for only complaining i will give you good stuff later, maybe a story maybe something grand. but possibly more complaining

I love that you guys are all postive when im not feeling it. So Im at a cafe this cost me apound an hour or roughly a buck 65. Yeah so I have already gotten lost 3 times which wouldn't worry me if i was feeling good, but im not for some reason. I have had few conversation and dont really know how to proceed in having them but i guess i will have to figure it out. Oh well London in a huge city, I haven't yet hooked up with michael which was a goal for today but he must not have checked his e mail. Uh I think im jet lagged, I went to the museum of natural history today which is like the science museum, It was pretty interesting at first but I realized i was too well versed i the subjects and hadnt really learned anything the whole time. Kinda nice to se people checkig it out on a tuesday though. So I sat down on a bench in the earth gallery or whatever (geology department) and fell asleep sitting up. This is nromal for me but i didnt think it would be so easy in an unknown place like this. The area i am at is called kensington and its a huge mostly residential area with shops every few blocks, and some chrches and a few very small parks. The builldings are all 3 stories or higher so u can never really get a view of the larger city in any direction. The churches are petty amazing but they are all in the middle of like houses and stuff so you cant get a very good view from farther away(I was gonna draw one from the park it didnt work out) Its not people are unfriendly here they just dont approach me so i dont know what im doing. The people in the hostel are interesting but i dont know if i wanna stay at this one much longer, I think it would be good for me to go see more of the city. I have already taken several walks around this area, i think i might go for a bus trip tonight if i dont hook up with michael. There is this lady a the hostel who is german (overheard a conversation) and she sits in the smokers lounge for hours watching music videos and i'd guess shes like 40 (but i really cant tell) its funny though others come in and watch but she gets into it its prtty sweet. hmmm so if u havent figured it out im pretty damn lonely. Maybe I need to go hang out with tourists and stuff, oh well if my back didnt kill and i didnt keep losing energy I might be having a great time, after all this is a sweet city. Bouts of depression fun. This book Illy gave me (the celestine prophecy, or something) is pretty interesting and talks a lot about what is going on for me right now, like ways of receiving energy, I dunno its the kind of book where the author is trying to tell you something directly through the story kinda like those daniel quinn books Ishmael and the story of B both of which i really like but i do get a bit annoyed that the person in the sotry is a dumb ass and needs everything explained 4 times. Some of these backpackers have like 4 bags which is rediculous but they must also have tons of money to stay in these expensive hostels, (london ones are the most expensive) but thy are nice, I actually had breakfast this morning. I dont know what im gonna do for dinner Probably french bread water and apple and tour on bus, of course it will be dark later so maybe i shouldnt do that. (cant see anything from the bus when its dark) I keep worrying about money but the truth is I have lots of money I just dont want to use it. I want to rough it but roughing it is rough (who'd of thought) Its weird cuz i new stuff like this would happen, I knew i would be unhappy at times, lonely, feel like shit and i perpared for it but i guess u can never prepare enough. As the book would say im craving female energy. I need to concentrate or something, actually i have been doing yoga and meditation and it works for a bit but then i get even more tired cuzi spent energy doing that (although it should be opening me up to getting more energy) well thats that for now
give my love to everyone back home yall, hope yall are doing good in your respective places. feel free to keep writing it can only help, and if Michael A goes online (like on AIM) tell him to e mail me. Peace and love from a backaching fool I check ya later Taff

tomorrow I will post for real from a cafe instead of the hostel pay by the second kinda thing, uh i am at Earl's court hostel and life is ok for now, not groovy not horrible, my back hurts, I had a converstion with a south african who seemed really nice but fed up with politics and had a weird not racist but interesting attitude towards south african government but he was a nice guy and didnt say anything harsh just didnt think it ended up like they all hoped for. Um yeah London is cool i think i dream too much and i am almost through with the book i brought thanks to illy. I will probably leave it on the shelf and ggrab another its like an echange thing, peace and love yall

Not much timeso this will be quickand not spellchecked,the flight was quickandshort but it tookmelike 3 hours to get to the hostel and my backisalreadykillingme. Had one greatmoment ofnosecond thoughts and 1 greast moment of what the fuck was |*&\£ i thinking? Oh well talkto yalllater i already spent toomuch money today. Peace and love,Taff

I was gonna write a big long thing but there is no pointand i have nothing to say i got about 10 mins till i leave, its all good pete thanks for calling nice hearing your voice even if ya are tired. Well um take care of yourselves people I dont want to come back and hear sad things. So yeah please keep in contact i be missing ya and I will write pretty damn soon im guessing.
Always remember its all good Peace and love taff

In 10 hours I will be at the airport, but already I know im lacking in a few departments;
1. color art utensils, im not bringing paint cuz its messy and the brushes would be fucked, markers suck and I dont have a single box with every color, crayons break, and colored pencils just dont seem like enough (but I am bringing them)
2. A proper e mail, and address, and telephone list, like with everything i could possibly need (my mom wants me to type one up tonight, its a possibility)
3. A decent pencil sharpener, this one is broken and it sucks anyway.
4. Um I know there is a fourth, oh yeah I forgot to go to the post office and get blank postcards that I could draw famous things on and send to people, like the people who went to my grad party and never got a thank you letter from me, meaning all of them.
Also music of course I am not bringing any music which is like mike without soul, it just doesnt happen, but music is everywhere so all I really have to do is listen you know? plus i got my handy harmonica which I suck at but by the time i get back should be able to play 1 or 2 songs. 2 songs in 1 year now there is a goal In really gonna have to stretch for.
PS thanks to Illy for the braids they were a real hit with the waitress at the steak and ale. Either that or she felt really uncomfortable and overcompensated. Hope yall had fun at the dance.
I will probably post once more before I go but for now back to packing and cleaning my room.

Cats are far superior to dogs. Also eating a large steak in front of your vegetarian brother is not exactly a fun experience even if he doesn't say anything or give ya a look or anything.

Another thing to publicly state, if anything does happen to me on this trip because I am american or whatever, like if my plane gets hijacked, suicide bombers, snipers, if i get beat up if i get verbally abused if anything should happen to me at all, and especially in the case of if i get killed i want yall to know that is no reason to get mad at anybody, to blame any group, or people. Dont go bomb iraq cuz i got killed thats just stupid. And if something like that does happen and some how our media gets a hold of it and uses it to further that bullshit its your duty to make sure they get this shit straight. I know yall know this stuff I just wanted to give ya some proof in case, you know? sorry but shit happens so I guess I wanted a last will and testament sort of thing , yesh well good great monkey fun. Hahaha this is funny peace and love yall thats all i gotta say

Ok so before I forget I wanted to thanks some folks publicly for making my life better in recent days.

First off since tonight was my last night at work (for a while) I gotta say the mall (though its gross) is a pretty swell place, mall employees are wonderful, and Nick's employees are even cooler.
Next Kristen and Tim thank you so much for stopping by, I am very grateful for your friendship and hope that in the future we can have many more conversations on whatever we are currently thinking about. Yall inspire me to be a better person, make the world seem like a better place, and bring a strange comfort to my heart (its kinda indescribable) And also as a struggling (because I suck, not because im poor) artist im glad you like modeling, cuz we need ya.
Next to Illy and Aimee and Lauren and Lacey for taking me to Hopkins and sharing with me another piece of your lives. I had much fun, I am very glad yall let me tag along. And basically that goes for the past few months too, without yall I would have gone a bit crazy I think, and I really enjoyed spending time with you, and talking to you and Aimee don't worry about Foulkes, I am so very sorry you have to put up with his childishness. Um I hope to see yall when I get back and maybe tomorrow before your dance.
Uh Steph and Fairchild Im sorry I did na see ya that much, I really enjoyed seeing you when I did stay good, look me up in a year. I'll be glad to come visit ya wherever ya are uptown, St. cloud, Argentina, wherever you know lots of love.
Gabs I got your letter today and I was amazed at how much stuff you wrote down and oh thank you so much. I wont ever be able to tell ya about the smile you bring to my heart just know its there. Um yeah
Elizabeth, Jenn and Jess, heh besides just the wild experiences, um I love spending time with yall, you keep me on my feet, you make me feel good about myself, you make the world seem interesting and make me love it. I really hope yall look me up when I get back too, OR stay in contact or something cuz guys I got phone a phobia and well I will eventually call ya but it may take a month to work up the nerve. (im weird, maybe not when i get back though)
um Sarah sorry i wont be able to see ya again you know how to get a hold of me, Im glad you are doing well, I hope your mom starts feeling better, if school don't work out thats fine, just don't give up on life, you know?
Uh Adrianne you are too cool, I will probably continue to read your blog dont worry.
Jesssss S sorry I may not be able to see ya please stay in touch seriously I know we never hung out much or anything but you have always been one of my fav people.
Everyone else on the internet at your separate colleges or whatever have fun Im thinking bout ya. Peace and love to everyone Im off in exactly 36 hours.

Bad poetry time (really its bad)

Lovers in the Jungle

Two souls wandered around through that loveless vagrant town, amongst the gaps bags and cell phones>
They seemed to bring life to the place, and all who looked on even in disgust, knew that thought
through veiled jealousy. But then, one of them held one of those paradox devices, and the illusion fell rather tattered rather uncool. My soul leaped back in fright and held itself in so as not to be further disturbed.

But with or without my souls approval my mind followed them longer, and traced their cosmetic cover, joined them together
just so, with some sort of love welding device and told my soul, to take another look, and it was very beautiful.

Their strands of long locked hair were no simple look, no Halloween costume. She placed her hand on his back with little resistance, and all the comfort in the world. He followed her from store to store holding her bags and knowing no greater pleasure except maybe had she been just a touch closer. My park bench shook under the weight, the energy uncontainable.

"Can a ---------- get a table dance!?!"

Literally the worst quote ever, in the history of quotes.
So one day Jess and Jenn started thinking about pornography. Then they took it one step further (being smart kids and all) and started wondering about the differences between pornography and erotic art and things of that nature. Maybe they are closet sex fiends, or maybe they were just curious and felt they needed some way to make it seem less dirty (Like I would if it were a discussion) or possibly they are just far less dirty than me and really wondered what the differences between the two are. (most likely) So anyway they decided to deem this week "pornography week" and as part of this week they decided they would have to go to a strip club. So tonight was the night, and because they and Elizabeth were all going and I really wanted to see them again plus satisfy my own curiosities on the subject I decided I would go. (thats the subject of strip clubs, I know pornography and erotic art pretty well by now)
So I guess I will share my perspective of the strip club.
So I went into it in observation mode. This is the mode you people watch in usually, the mode you are in when you look into things you are interested in, but its mostly mental. So in observation mode I saw many attractive women in various forms of undress, a pretty decent building, and a nice friendly staff. The people partaking in the show seemed reasonable, not too drunk, not too obnoxious (for the most part) everything was fine. The girls(my friends) asked and answered many questions amongst themselves and seemed to be interested (if a little creeped out) I don't know how to describe the whole thing, I mean they had the flashing lights the loud music the birthday people getting their dances. The women didn't seem too into it but I mean they have long shifts (as we found out from interviewing one) Um I guess it wasn't so bad, it was obvious it was male fantasy fulfillment, and everything was sexual but in observation mode that can be ignored, its like seeing a woman topless on a nude beach, everyone does it so its not so bad. Uh the interview went well, though I know, not all of the questions we wanted to ask got asked. Uh she had to run back and do part of her job but she said they get paid well, and although there is some shady deals its mostly legit, dances money everything in the open. Uh they have long shifts and have interesting ways to get the girls working, and after a few hours being there seeing these women go up and down the stairs every 5 mins, do pole dances, walk around everything I mean it seems like a really exhausting job u can see why they cant smile the whole time. We also talked to a bouncer there who works as a male stripper, and he said mostly its just a job but I think we all agreed they must either be hiding or in denial about some of the consequences of working there. Uh this one girl came up to me and introduced herself, she looked about 19-20 and said she was from Chicago and a look in her eye could tell ya she was not doing too well. She told me she didn't like it here but kinda implied here like the state though (most likely she meant her current situation in general) I felt really sorry for her actually and she was really nice and I kinda felt like, this is a girl you could have a conversation with about just about anything in-between classes or something but um (with me not trusting myself especially as of late, I probably wouldn't get too involved)

Uh lets see I guess I can talk about what was bugging me when we left and still kind is. So I think, (from talking to guys and knowing myself) that in most cases guys separate fantasy from reality. At a strip club guys do only see sex (that doesn't mean they aren't respectful, but they are there for sex) However most guys can then go home to their wives and girlfriends and sisters and moms and daughters and nieces and say "this is a woman I respect and love and could never harm in anyway." This is why I think pornography is ok to an extent but only for that sort of use. If a guy can have his 3 second fantasy and then go back to treating every woman he sees with respect Its ok, im not saying the women at the strip clubs done deserve respect Im saying they know what they are selling and that is a fantasy. Obviously a job is not just a job, as the guy was trying to say, and their jobs do have consequences in their lives, but most of these girls will have the issue before they work there, and those who done will make enough money to keep their daughters from having to do it. So once again going back to the guys, uh hopefully they do not degrade the women there, hopefully they don't cross that line and start thinking they can degrade women else where (yes its a rough line which Im about to go into)

Uh me so yeah like I said eventually I got bored and started thinking sexually of these women (not to mention I mean they are beautiful its not all sex, but to an extent it can be how well they sell it.) arrghh so anyway I stared, I enjoyed a few shows, and I felt sort or weird doing it but oh well gotta be honest. However after further pondering "the line" or whatever I started thinking about how if the line is so easy to cross with just mental and emotional respect in simple friendships, simple relationships, then it probably also applies to physical ones. So if I hurt someone in a friendship, I am capable of doing the same physically sexually. There for once again I am not ready to have a relationship. Second I need to work on building that line up so that I dont cross it.

All this making sense? Comments I know some of yall got opinions on the subject. Anything goes its a talk talk talk fest. Its weird cuz I don't even know if I agreed with all the shit I just said but its what I got for now. Oh well sorry to bother you

"that's enough of the devil and his famous pickle, were gonna make another dramatic, if somewhat rickety segue into another song called "cruising for burgers" ~zappa

Ok so I wasn't sure if I wanted to put this up but hey why not, so for all yall votin cats, this is a pledge to not vote for any democrats who vote for war against Iraq
A peace pledge, Michael Moore's site
um yeah so I feel kinda weird cuz im not going to be voting this year, 2 reasons
1. I don't feel educated on the candidates (easily remedied but)
2. I wont have a permanent address to vote absentee from, which will cause problems.
but I did vote green on the primaries and was somewhat educated on a few of the people, and I did this even though my brother had been campaigning for Wellstone for weeks and I did feel bad, but yeah.
Uh yeah so its up to you to vote and stuff make changes slowly we can get something accomplished on the government level while we work to educate ourselves and the people on a smaller level or something. Yeah I would go into politics, but one I inhaled and two I would need the best speech writer in the world.

Yeah so uh If I was smart I would have a great opening line (but yeah)

So has anyone here ever heard me swear I would never go to the vu and if I did I would be horribly grossed out? Well, I guess in a few hours we shall see, cuz I am apparently going. Not that I planned it, and Im going with girls, and they intend to have a conversation about it afterward. So I guess I will have a story to tell you when I get home tonight. And yes that is the only reason im going, an experience, a story, and well apparently I am easily talked out of my morals by girls I like. Oh well we all gotta live, and them chicas need money but if I start crying its not my fault.

So I think a truly amazing jam band can make you think, that without each artist playing their particular instrument, the world would be like a bad place. Does that make sense? So like without the bass on this amazing song, the whole world would end, without the violin the world would end, not because they are showing off I mean they might be playing the simplest part in the world, but without that single part the world would be so much less beautiful. You put 4-5-6-7 -15 musicians each doing that, making wonderful music all together, I think you can experience the world sitting on your bed (but I suggest you close your eyes and dance) So anyway I'm watching this bela fleck dvd and just listening and seeing it a little bit on this tiny little computer is giving me incredible kicks. Plus I never liked horn sections until this, I mean I didn't mind them, sometimes I thought "hey that kinda adds" but these guys make it so smooth and I dunno its amazing. check em out they got so blue grass stuff, some jazz stuff and some far out stuff and its all good. Um yeah have fun

A Word On a Rival

I went to Hopkins today, short trip cuz they had a half day, but good hostess. We only went to one class and I didn't understand more than 50 words cuz it was all in french, but I like french so it was fun to listen to. I must say having never been to hopkins I was kinda shocked at the size, or maybe if its not even that big just how they make it feel huge with large rooms and halls and open space everywhere. It definitely has a different feel to it. Of course the actual learning experience seemed about the same, 5 year old textbooks, and the same old overhead projectors. I think people should be allowed to visit high schools just to people watch. Maybe I will visit some in Europe. Whatever I have been having problems thinking lately (at least when writing) like I cant remember words, and phrases don't come easily (thus nothing poetic) and these posts probably seem very uh jr high writing level. (I couldn't think of anything) see yeah so um I see ya later I gotta go to the bank and get some food.

Oysterhead reminds me "there aint no cure for suicide."

So I went shopping I got a backpack and sleeping bag and even looked at $15 socks (of course I didn't buy them) then my Mom wanted some Mexican food and since I don't eat Mexican food we went to the Lone Spur Grill or whatever on cedar lake so anyway I was checking out this amazing painting they have that seemed totally out of place in a restaurant, cuz it was dark and creepy (which is why I liked it) but it did have like western us kinda stuff. Ok I will describe it. It had like an oxen skull thing or whatever that is thats always in the desert, which was the main thing and rather large like dividing up the picture. and inside that was an American Indian man with long black hair and he had his back to the viewer and his arms raised, above the eyes of the skull, but like reaching into the sky, but he was like blended into the skull so that you didn't like have to see him but he was there. and on top of the skull there was like a dark blue and black sky with like American Indian crosses which were like birds flying and below on both sides of the skull was like orange redish streaks like fire but also like prairie and then like darkness its really hard to describe but it was like so cool. Then while I was staring at this the waiter in a pink shirt and a big grin on his face came around the corner and looked at me, and he looked really familiar. So he took our order and I kept think about it and I was sure it was this guy I knew and like respected but I had never seen him up close and it had been a year since I'd seen him and he didn't have any facial hair, so I wasn't entirely sure. So my Mom and I ate and everytime he would come back I was like sure I was like "its gotta be him" so I told my Mom and she persuaded me to ask and I agreed, but then we kinda finished up and he gave us the bill and I scanned it and saw the name Geoff. So I got up all quickly and asked a manager what Geoff's last name was and he was like "uh he can tell you, or wait" and he went back and found out and he goes "fischbein" and I was like "oh yeah" (really cool) So I waited around for fish to come out and I was like "hi um I'm shy but uh I wanted to tell you uh I have seen you play a couple of times and I think you are amazing and um I like you" and he was smiling the hole time and he was like "yeah done I, haven't we meet?" and I was like "yeah maybe at the bon, but um hey you know that public access thing u did, when is that gonna be on again?" and he's like "i dunno but i can get you a tape if you come in next Wednesday, im workin" and it was so great and he shook my hand twice and then as we were leaving i noticed my mom only gave him a couple of bucks tip (if u know me u know i do like 5 minimum) but anyway yeah that was my story i saw fish cuz he works at Lone spur. Hes so nice though ah. Anyway just to give u some background if you don't know who I am talking about Fish went to park I think and hes pretty old now but um he use to open for mu maker and some other bands and he plays acoustic guitar really well and in a different style then most and hes just really good and I like him very much although not everyone does. Yeah so like just a week ago I found myself trying to find him on the Internet so I could get that videotape of him on public access and now he said he will copy it himself for me oh wonderful world. Of course even if I can convince someone to go get it for me Im still not gonna see it for a year but its worth the wait I think, after all its been a year since I saw it. Oh well anyway have fun.

I'm always amazed at how different people can be in beliefs, like even if raised in similar ways. So I just went and read some blogs and some of em were pretty political and even conservative which is kinda unusual, but I guess they do exist. So these kids were taking the same articles I was reading and seeing different things in them, and being proud of things Rice and Ashcroft and even Bush were saying. I kept trying not to be offended, but at the same time I'm like glad they say things and stand up for what they believe, its kinda weird. Err so I went shopping which well yeah, and um i got some neosporin stuff or whatever and while i was in the car I decided to use some on that cut I had cuz I was still kinda bleeding all over my steering wheel, but anyway I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing cuz I had to like drive, but then it exploded all over, and got on my face hands glasses, and in my hair, and this is the cream kind so I got home and it was like Something About Mary all over again or whatever that movie was. Yeah now I gotta go shopping again, Im gonna end up spending like $400 today and thats gross.

I wanted to write some poetry or decent prose to post today, and after many failed attempts, I have decided to reluctantly just update, cuz I don't want yall to get bored, I realize it only takes a sec to read anything at all. I have mixed emotions right now on a variety of topics and I feel the need to express them but I don't know how so Im listening to some big wu but sadly this cd tends to just make me have a million more emotions. I feel heavy with emotions the chair is shaking though I have lost weight. Another dilemma to add to the compounding problem. You ever have those moments of truth where you're just like "God too much to handle, too much to share." Think to like the ending of anything, play parties when the show is over. The end of a trip you have taken. The end of a relationship (not necessarily already spoken but you know its done in your head) Thats how I feel today. Which is bad cuz I gotta bunch of things to do. I went out with Elizabeth last night we had hours of conversation and visited Illanit (at her work) and Elizabeth's work. I had fun, she will read this some time today probably and be able to tell you what she was thinking if she wants to. I keep waking up all early and it is messing me up but I suppose its good for me. I think I am visiting hopkins highschool manana just to see how it goes. I just cut myself accidentally on a tape dispenser heh we shall see what comes. hmmm now I feel all young slasher girl like 9th grade. God I love this cd. (live at the fitzgerald theatre 4.21.00)
Sometimes I wonder if these moments have already been lived through, too much deja vu. Well, since I don't really have anything to say now I suppose I will leave yall alone, today I gotta call the travel agent, get a backpack, sleeping bag some shit from target. My dad got me some multi vitamins that taste and smell really bad and a swiss knife. I never realized how expensive that shit is, both pills and knives. I can make crescent moon shapes with my bleeding thumb can you?