How To Keep Your Heart Open In Hell - Ram Dass

This is a video I watch repeatedly. It helps center me when I am working. I have watched it so many times that sometimes I think I have it memorized.   

I am trying to remind myself that at this moment I can be both happy and sad. 

I've been really struggling the last few days. People outside of my brain might not recognize that, but it catches in my words which are jumbled or not spoken loudly enough. Its in my stomach which feels uncomfortable. It's in the muscles of my back and neck and shoulder. It's a heaviness in my chest.

A few weeks ago when I was feeling like this my therapist named it survivors guilt. She meant specifically with Elsa, but I feel like in the days and weeks since its only grown larger. 

Survivors guilt, along with secondary trauma, along with being an empath, along with the awareness of my privilege, along with being aware of the history of humans... and not having magic words or actions... or special insight or ability to lead us away from suffering. Gabi reminded me last night that on some level this is the way of things, the natural world, the rise and fall... and it's true. But it doesn't erase the fear people are experiencing. It doesn't erase the anger. It doesn't erase the grief.

In the meantime I am not meeting my own expectations for things... the goals I set... and yet, I am disappointed and really frustrated with how long it is taking to do these simple things. To make decisions, to get answers, to have all my ducks in a row. The ducks are not in rows... for the business. And every day I seem to realize another little hurdle that means they won't be in rows for a little while. 

Like tonight I was looking at liability and malpractice insurance... how much? what does it cover? when can it start?  And it should be the click of a button, but it seems expensive... so I want to find out if there is a better deal somewhere or if someone can guide me through it.

Or, while reading paperwork to get credentialed, realizing I have to make sure my address is the same with IRS, the bank, and everyone else... well, I started the business with my home address, but now I have an office address... so... shit.   

But it's stupid small stuff. 

This week I have been trying to pay more attention to my dreams, and I am not sleeping well. And my dreams seem to be on a spectrum from "tedious" to "oh shit" like the other day I dreamed that the pipes in the house I was renting were all leaking and I couldn't get ahold of the landlord... or a plumber or anyone.

And that sounds right... like hey, I know I should be trying to fix this, but I am in way over my head, and its your stuff, and what the fuck should I do?  (where are the adults?)

And the micro sure is the macro eh?

I think I feel that way with my life too... like I am trying something new, and I need more guidance than I am getting. And at the same time, I feel stupid for asking for help (and then not knowing how to ask for the specific help I need when they tell me something I already know, or that isn't helpful). 

I am not good at feeling dumb. I am terrible at it.    (I feel like a little kid)

So I am constantly distracting myself, and then when I am not distracting myself I am either aware that my body hurts, or aware that I am on the verge of tears... and that has been my week. 

I know I am checking things off my list... its just so slow. I want to get back to things I care about. 

Maybe I don't even want a business... maybe I just want to run away to Malawi. 

Whatever.   (teen mike coming out).

Ok so lets get back briefly to this little kid thing and the survivors guilt.

I feel bad that things are not that bad for me personally... and that everyone else is suffering... because I don't know what to do about it and even though it isn't my responsibility to take care of everyone else, it feels like it is... so I am feeling bad right now because people are hurting for no reason, and this is also just what life is. And I have to accept that. 

But I don't want to. I want to change it. 

Something good could come from all the destruction of the Unites States... it is possible that something better will grow from this wreckage... but it feels awful now and I imagine it will get much worse before it gets better. And its not my responsibility to take on the worlds suffering. And its ok for me to be both happy and sad. Not give away my life, and not become a robot... just accept both.

Stepping into it

What's the it?   

I guess that is the question, can I trust myself and the universe and move forward into new things?

Between the weekend and taking yesterday off, I have been trying to make some moves in my life (primarily about the business). And yet, I keep getting stuck, slowed down, unanticipated barriers, little things I have to learn, little things I just have to take a leap on even though I am not necessarily feeling prepared. Its hard not to live into the disappointment or the frustration with it. Several times I've asked for help from people, or tried to look stuff up online, or made phone calls and gotten nowhere... but I am determined to keep trying.  I am sick of sitting around and hoping things will be different. 

Some things I've been doing, going to the bank and setting up a business account, talking to a consulting group and preparing to get credentialed through them with insurance, checking in with my mom re: what she did, signing up for an email and a phone and a website, calling and emailing regarding liability insurance, going on gov websites to make sure everything is legal, thinking about taxes and researching electronic health records... making lists, and lists, and lists, and post it notes... and signing up for little things I didn't know I needed. 

I am sure I screwed some things up, I've had to backtrack a few times... I'm trying to remind myself that that is normal and that mistakes will be made...all opportunities for growth and learning, but I've never been good at accepting my mistakes -so I suppose some personal growth in having to...

I am hoping to get a bunch of things in place this week, and then quit in May, and be up and running late may/early June.  Its still awhile away, but there is a lot to get in place. 

I probably need to meet with a tax person. Even when I am credentialed with insurance, there will still be hoops to jump through. In my downtime between now and then, I can craft the website and laminate stuff for the office, look at furniture etc. 

So much to do...

All of it is bringing stuff up. A lot of it is bringing up stuff with E... what happens when I level up? Why do I feel guilty for moving forward?   

A good example this past weekend was seeing Hadestown, alone.   I had feelings about the technical issues... but it was a moving performance.  Sitting alone with an empty seat was a constant reminder... each milestone or change without her, is part of the grief, more and more memories without. New life. And its hard. I think in particular its hard when I am feeling alone, or scared, or enjoying life without someone by my side. It makes me question what I am doing stuff for?  Why build a business? Why live here?  Why try ---when I am not exactly sure what it will lead to, and what if cuenca doesn't offer me a partner to live this beautiful life with?   

I'm grounding. I'm cleaning and organizing (though of course not the little cracks and crevices -EG the bathtub could use a good cleaning). But putting things in their place. Trying to imagine, to build, to prepare to build at least. I am heading towards what seems to indicate further success... 

I am hoping that this opens up more opportunities. I think that would be the best way to put it. 

Socially... Its been cold -so I haven't been THAT social.  Might see Pete on Friday. Had chipotle with my Dad and almost screamed at him on Sunday (politics). Talked to my mom a bunch re: business. Saw James at his work yesterday when I went to a protest. Attending a scrapbooking class with Gabi on Wednesdays... attending church on Sundays. But am I doing enough to meet new people?  Am I creating the community I want to live in?

I keep thinking about whether I will ever have a family. The politics right now doesn't make me want to... but its just such a crazy thing to be so sure that would be part of your life, to accepting that maybe it wont be.  Pete is having his third this spring... I mean, I am technically still able to. It's just hard to imagine what that looks like.  As I make decisions re: the business I am also thinking about how that will shape the life I have. My mom was intentional about setting her hours so she could come home to us. She took fridays off later in her career to have more time to rest and travel. My Dad had summers off to take care of us. -I could make a ton of money... or I could just make sure I am doing ok financially and then enjoy life.  I could make this business the vehicle for my mission and values... or I could recognize whatever mission I have is bigger than just that role. 

I could use it as a launch point for other things, like teaching or training... or I could spend my free time writing and being with friends.   Its all up to me once I start it. But where am I driven?

This post has been very intellectualized... it doesn't really feel like its conveying how emotional all of this has been... and I haven't even mentioned how much I've been trying to escape into my phone. Hours and hours a day trying to not feel the feelings I have... and instead trying to get that dopamine. 

I haven't even been writing, or journaling or reading... because if I have the space -Im trying to do business stuff... no extra creative energy...

I should probably be spending more time meditating, getting centered, imagining.

Maybe that will be the goal rather than checking off all the lists?

I dunno. 

Drama

My mind tended towards drama today.

I think the guilt I discussed yesterday of having so much of E's stuff, of wishing things had been different, of wanting to move forward, meet new people, have a life. 

Yesterday being around James' and Ali's kiddos... it just feels like I am missing out on a huge chunk of life. Maybe that won't be for me. But being a single 41 yr old feels kind of pathetic when i am around my family. It's fine... I just wanted to be heading towards something. 

I dunno, maybe its because I feel like I squandered my alone time this weekend. I didn't do much writing or other personal goals. I got the apartment mostly cleaned up. Laundry tomorrow since the neighbors are using it today. Groceries yesterday, ate a lot of fruit and veg to counter the fried foods this weekend. 

Hung out with family and with Illy. Went to church. That is good. But I guess I didn't make any progress on writing thus far, or the little side projects for work or the business. Too much time on the instagram... I think i am averaging like 7 hours or more on my phone each day. Its kind of gross. 

I need someone in my life, that adds. 

Back to the drama...

I stayed up late on the internet last night, and had weird dreams that felt very vivid at the time (I don't recall them now). But I didn't feel very positive in the dreams, didn't feel proud of myself. Then I woke up and even though there was sunlight and I got up in time for church, I wasn't feeling the day. I did my gratitude practices and prayed and all that, and it was ok... but I found myself thinking of all the reasons I am hurt by or angry with E (which isn't how I spend most of my time). It was like I needed to justify why I shouldn't feel guilty, why I shouldn't feel bad for wanting to move forward. 

I found myself trying to explain to some hypothetical stranger that it wasn't my fault, and that I needed to make a change, and that I didn't abandon her... cuz somewhere in me, I still feel very guilty for letting her down. I am mad at her sometimes for making me so responsible (even though it was my choice), because then when I had to make a change, I had all the power. 

Which isn't entirely the case, I mean she did move out without me saying anything, she did un-invite me from a planned trip we had to Rochester, she did criticize me, and make me feel like I was the one not doing enough when I was literally taking care of everything that had to do with us... but its hard because I was in love with her and wanted her to step up... and that just didn't happen.

And I feel bad that I had to have expectations and standards for how I want to be treated... I guess that's what I am saying. I feel bad that I wanted a partner and not a dependent. 

So like I said drama..... drama drama drama. 

The other part is that Hadestown is coming up and I am starting to think I am gonna go... but I don't want to invite anyone. I want to go and cry and feel the grief. I think Im gonna... but I am also scared. and that's stupid but its true. I am scared to go to one of my favorite plays because I know I am gonna feel some heart break, and I feel guilty for going. 

Why do I feel so guilty all the time?  childhood shit of course.  but... I need to not live into this stuff anymore. I am ready to be an adult. I am ready to handle adult shit. 

I was ready to have a relationship... I am mad at her that she basically flung everything in my lap and said I needed to do better to make her happy, when from the the beginning I said I wanted something equal. And I am mad at myself for trying for 2 years because I knew from the beginning, but I didn't want to believe I was right. I tried so hard to make stuff work, but it wasn't enough.  I don't like that I know I choose the wrong people for me. But again, it feels karmic sometimes. Its like... shit, I still have to learn this lesson. 

And all of this is to say. I really do want the best for her. I do. I just also want the best for me, and I feel guilty that choosing myself hurts others. That's not my intention. 

For the most part lately (until these feelings this weekend), I haven't really been in this space. I have been choosing to have faith, and been quite optimistic. Even that little meditation on Friday I was just soooo ok with the fact that pain happens, shit happens, and its not anyones fault... but today drama. 

drama llama back.   

Maybe I'll be able to do some writing now that I've just spilled this... I feel bad for complaining but its the same old shit isn't it?

Another week

 

It is Saturday Feb 8th. James turns 43. From the outside, he has accomplished all of the american goals. Married with 2 kids, a house, cars, retirement plan(presumably), good jobs etc., friends, community, world travel. Is he happy?

We will celebrate at a bowling alley this afternoon.

I came to spyhouse to write my book. I have done some thinking, minimal editing, a little compiling of ideas but no writing yet. Maybe it isn't a writing day, but a thinking day. 

It is snowing and it seems to be creating a clean slate, or at least allows the possibility of that dream. I find old pictures or videos of E and it makes me sad. I want to say I am happy for the time we spent together, but I am also sad, and I don't really get to choose which emotion comes when. 

Gabs and I started a scrapbooking community ed class, but spent the whole time talking politics while looking at old photos. I chose to document the Atacama Desert part of the south america trip... seems like a lively set of photos at least. I really enjoyed it. She is excited for the class. I feel like it offers us the space and some tools, but I wish I had more people coming over into my space and maybe it can turn into that eventually. With E, sometimes it felt like we didn't have enough space, but now that I am alone I barely use half of it.  The living room entirely reminds me of her, its her Dad's couch and elliptical, her tv. Its all her. 

Its weird that way. I kind of wish I hadn't bought the stuff from her, even though it seemed to be helpful for both of us at the time. I guess in its current configuration, I just have all this stuff that reminds me of her. My furniture and stuff doubled at least.  How do I take that into a new relationship without feeling conflicted? I haven't heard from her in a while... That's what she said would happen, but it feels odd. If that is what is best, fine... but its hard sometimes too. Hard when you have incorporated someone into yourself, and your future, and then realize you have to let go of all of that... even if the remnants are left in your space, the hugs and scratches are still on your heart. The mind... ooh. I hope she is happy, send positive vibes daily. But also, I want to move forward in my life.

Keep finding myself returning to the Frusciante quote "wide pain in the blue-white break up, all paths divide, life has a way of opening up." I first fell in love with that cd on a class trip to Italy in high school. Getting close to so many people, experiencing so much with them, and then having to go back to normal. I think the blue-white break up has always felt like waves crashing on the shore to me, the Mediterranean... but I don't think he was thinking of that. All paths divide. Life and death, change is inevitable. Life has a way of opening up... becoming bigger, growing, changing always, even in death we decay and give way to new life. And its painful still. Its painful, but necessary. 

Yesterday I did a meditation off a youtube video and just felt sooooo part of everything, and also distant and aware and it was all perfect. Even the awful parts...but later in the day, listening to people's pain, I still felt sucked into the drama of life... Ram Dass says that its important to do both, to see the perfect, and to be compassionate with the suffering. Its all curriculum for the soul, but we don't grow without being part of it. Sandpaper transforming us into ourselves. 

It was a hard work week with the politics, but generally life (for many people) seems to be moving forward... and me too. ... don't be stuck in the past -Seems like that will happen now that I have decided on an office space. It is probably more than I should*be spending but who cares. I could probably find something better and bigger, but again who cares.  More space just means more to fill.   I chose office 311 *though it hasn't been confirmed yet. I am taking that as a sign... maybe I will throw some 311 quotes on the wall or something. I think if I can do about 20 sessions on average a week I'll still be fine financially. If I need to add more I can. If I need to subtract, I can. Its not set in stone... its all mine to play with. Maybe I will be bored and want more clients. 

This week at work was very slow, so I shredded a bunch of notes, and made copies of stuff. I bought a new laminator I haven't used yet. Preparing. 

Need to open a bank account for the business. Need to start figuring out how to prep for taxes. 

Gave myself a hair cut and it helped with the self consciousness I have been feeling. I need to keep it clean. Not a lot going on, and yet, so much. Today writing, groceries? laundry?  time with family... Tomorrow, Church and a movie with Illy.  

Not a lot... and yet my shoulders are raised and my anxiety flows through my body. 

I know its probably too early... though who knows how long a person is suppose to wait... its been 4 months, but I often think about how little opportunity I have to meet new people. The tarot videos are always like, hey your person is coming... and I'm like, hard for them to meet me when I do nothing but go to work and then go home.    I think that is part of the reason I try to go out on the weekends even if I don't feel social or don't think it will amount to anything. The possibilities are there. 

Anyway... I have nothing to say, I am avoiding the purpose of being here. I also seem to be developing a head ache. Yay

Forward

 

Sunday night... I am starting to picture a path forward. I am gonna get an office and start my business. Meet new people. Try new things. Its exciting, and its hard to focus on other stuff. 

I am listening to tarot videos and they keep telling me its gonna be really positive. I know that its silly, but its weird how sometimes it just seems to match. Leaving things behind, moving forward. The fools journey, a karmic cycle completed. Time to move into the next thing.  "A lot of green lights coming from the tarot deck." 

Today I visited a friend's family mansion home in Whittier, and it had so much potential... just a few blocks from my place, a beautiful space, but I wasn't really wanting to sign on board. Of course it was a cool place, but I want to get out of this old pattern. I love this apartment, but I need something else. I don't want to work at my current job anymore, I want to put my energy and interest into something new... I am hopeful about this part of life. I am optimistic about a future. 

I'm sitting here, getting excited. Difficulty concentrating on anything else. Ready to start a new journey... and I am craving, like deeply craving something connective to ground this energy, a love, a mission, a moment of light from the heavens beaming down... or whatever  and then suddenly burst into tears... because I wanted this with E, this excitement, this world of freedom and possibility, and there just wasn't anyway to make it happen. 

And I'm sad, and kind of mad at her that she couldn't change, or that we couldn't change to make things work.  

And some part of me feels karma intervened... and I know that seems weird and disempowering, but I am so sad, and also so ready to not feel stuck anymore.  

Of course she is the first person I want to tell. I don't get to anymore. 

It kind of takes the whole excitement down a notch... I know I shouldn't dwell, but Cuenca Dear a question, kna mean? 

Generally I feel very good. I feel motivated. I feel ready. I feel like I am gonna have a terrible time trying to decorate -because I don't really know how. 

First of the month

Its Febrero, some folks hate this month cuz its cold and dull. But I like that it is short, a slightly easier step, like "hey, take it easy. I know it's hard."  It's James' birthday month, not that we are great at celebrating him. 

It's the second week of the tyrant's 2025 project. They aren't trying to hide that anymore. I am not angry this morning, so I won't get too far into that. I am more like... how do we celebrate humanity and creation?

I am likely gonna go to a protest today in South Minneapolis. I wanted to write, but my brain isn't awake enough yet, and even though I like going to coffee shops (I am at spy house right now), it feels a bit too loud and lively -Can't hear my own thoughts that well.  Maybe I should trust the muse and let it take me, just spit out words until something new is created.

Its a month of making decisions and following through. I am going to find an office and start the private practice. I am going to keep writing. I am going to pray with my feet when given easy opportunities. I am going to post stuff if I need to. I am going to invest in myself and others. 

What does that really mean? I don't know, but I don't want to get bogged down too much. I want to trust that I will make the most of whatever comes, and I am a little sick of being in the hanged man position... ready for some fool energy. I think having a next step, even if it isn't perfect will improve my mindset and help me invest in things. 

So this month, what do we got... a new community ed class with Gabi on wednesdays...  potential office spaces to sign up for... Folks to prepare and either bring over or let go... some contracts to sign - to get credentialed.   

So the deal with the offices so far:

A)  there is a building over by 280 St. Anthony Park neighborhood of St. Paul, that is being redone to make therapy offices. I went and visited it on Thursday and its really under construction right now, so it's hard to fully see the vision of the place. But I like the idea of it. I like the location, a change, something new. I like the idea of being around a bunch of other professionals, built in capacity for consultation, new people, many who are already running private practices (mentors?).  It feels like a great concept, the only problem (as far as I've seen), ok maybe two problems... one - costs, but when I have looked at other spaces in minneapolis area it feels comparable, so two - I don't like that the air ducts are so prominent in the spaces with windows... I think because it is an empty space they stand out, and that likely won't be that big of a deal once there is furniture and decorations, but right now, they seem kind of in your face. I like the modernized industrial look, but it's a little much when there is nothing else to look at. So I need to get creative with how to use it. I think that's the key. But it also gives me the idea over and over of not seeking perfection, of just acknowledging there will always be flaws... and it's ok to work with them rather than staying stuck.  So I guess that space is giving me that mindset. 

B) My old coworker has offered to show me a space she is hoping to convert into offices. Apparently her family owns one of the mansions in my neighborhood. She reached out the night I was considering the other one... so now I am gonna go check that out. If it feels perfect, maybe I'll reconsider my position. I am potentially locked into my lease until Oct 2025 anyway... maybe I should just embrace the neighborhood again... it would likely be cheaper... likely a style I'd prefer.... very close to my place... could be the jump off point... for something later... but I think you could probably hear in my voice that I am ready for a change. 

Excited to get away and try something else. I need to put myself in new spaces to have new experiences, its true everywhere I go, there I am... but also I need opportunities to experiences different parts of me, and I can't do that if I always go with the same old thing. 

This morning some TikTok or something had Adele's "Someone Like You"  and it made me think about E, and letting go, and looking forward. Not an easy thing, but even more difficult if I leave everything the same. 

There is a lot to do no matter what, still some life to live (presumably). "Darlin there's no way to know, which way your heart will go"   as Mason Jennings would say...

I am hoping it continues to expand, find space, hold space, flow with the times.

And that same day

I was kind of frustrated with myself for not being able to accomplish my goal... so i went home and played computer games. it was nice... then around 5ish I was listening to Amanda Palmer  (Theater is Evil album)... and started feeling really sad, missing E... then I replayed the cd again- probably because she is blunt, speaks of love and lust, and boredom and anger, and grief and being human with music that sometimes sounds epic and a little like a soundtrack to my heart... and it made me sadder and sadder and kept having little memories of what I have missed. and decided I needed to make dinner. Maybe I'm just hungry... crying while making dinner. 

I don't know. I think its because with time, so much of the difficulties, any hurt or anger have disappeared. I miss my friend. Just talking with her. I miss having a companion. Someone to come home too. I miss my partner someone to build a future with.  

I dunno... its so easy to remember the breaking points, and the other reasons... but even if I think our break up is ultimately for the best, sometimes still, I just miss her, still want the world for her. 

I want the universe to step in and give me a direction. Something new to cling to. I sit in the space we shared together, grieving the life we made together while trying to dream a new one. And its ok. I love this space, even though she eventually couldn't. 

But how to move forward from the job I'm starting to hate (the company), without a new space to move into, I feel stuck. As with home, so as work?  meh...

I remember touring all those houses hopeful I'd find the next step, and then when I liked a house, I suddenly had this ache, because the person I wanted to show them to wasn't moving in with me..

What do I need all that space for? I barely use what is here. Half this shit, I could do without. 

I didn't do the writing I wanted to do (or at least not yet...) And I have to accept that... I am fine. Everything is fine... I am just sad. Its good to be sad, reminds you that your heart is fertile ground.

When I was coming home from Spyhouse feeling defeated, I started telling myself all the things Im grateful for... and it was a lot. I feel very blessed with this life... and I don't like that I am feeling so stuck. 

I was hungry then too, and started crying then. I am a crier... can't deny it. There is something about blood sugar here. Maybe I am diabetic. 

I dunno. Want something meaningful, and then walk away when it gets hard?  Is that what I am?  I don't think that's right, I think I overstayed because I loved... but then couldn't any longer. But what is this single life?  What's the point.

Gotta believe, have faith and all that.  That's the point. 

Gotta bring up my spirit, and eat my food before it gets cold. 

This was an angsty rant.

Later in Enero

 Its a Saturday morning, I am not feeling particularly well rested, or energized, or well... but I am not sick. I ate pizza last night and stayed up too late on my phone -part of that was really fun -watching the charismatic voice reviewing Janice Joplin, Live, Blues Traveler, and Meatloaf. Watching her glee and delight, trying to shape sounds in my mouth/throat. Part of it was because my computer game shut down randomly and I didn't want to restart it. Part of it was because I was avoiding journaling, reading, writing, because I was taking the night off... but still felt like I was avoiding. 

I still feel like avoiding. Avoiding a walk with my Dad, avoiding the theater tickets Teresa just offered, avoiding writing because I don't feel quite alive or awake or INTO it yet. Avoiding sitting with my body which is usually tight, dehydrated, inflamed. Avoid noticing it because my stomach is uncomfy, avoiding sitting with my body as it reminds me I have all this untapped emotion, loneliness, desire and I don't know what to do with it.  

Reminding me I have all this anger...   I think anger and disgust were prominent emotions this week. The politics of incoming President... the policy, the drama.  Easy to get swept up and judge the nation's shadow self. Easy to feel like we are headed in the wrong direction, towards the fear, towards the needless pain and heartache.  There are so many parallels to the rise of fascism that its hard to ignore. I am not getting cynical and hopeless light I have in the past, I am just seeing places to step in.

One of those places this week was on sharing the social media I found helpful... but I found myself preparing to battle and argue with conservatives...

The big thing that kept sticking with me was christian nationalists condemnation of a pastor asking for mercy for those who are afraid. It was such a simple culminating dividing line...   I shared the story in Matthew of Jesus telling the disciples right before he goes away of the sheep and the goats. Those who did for the least of us, did so to me... etc.   I wanted to educate, to school, to rip people a new one... but I didn't want to spend my anger engaging that way. Just leave the story and let them deal with their own cognitive dissonance rather than me struggling with it. A bit self righteous obviously... but still -right?

I find myself even more angry at work. We switched over to the optum system for emails and IT... but the building's heat is fucked up, and the internet and athena keep going down.  This company is denying 30% of the claims, can't get billing or credentialing right, and can't even heat the building... they pass propaganda through the email we are now forced to use. They talk about how they are making the health care system more efficient... the morality is out the window... and fundamentally I just don't believe in it, don't want to be attached to it... but what's my next step?  (took a second to go ask about the wycliff building again). 

I guess I was hoping that finding a space would be easy. Its been months and the leads that I have, haven't quite worked. I want to believe in divine timing, and also want to be ready and follow through with my portion... but am i wasting time? am I avoiding my responsibilities...

Given my experiences in life, you find something and it works out, or it doesn't and you move on... and this is all ok. Each direction ok.

The work itself sometimes gets boring. I am probably 'bored' with about 1/4-1/3 (I keep revising these numbers). Luckily each day there are clients I look forward to, and others I can enjoy even if we aren't doing anything... but maybe I should be letting go of a few clients -suggesting we need to revise goals or find something new?

Maybe I am dragging ass because this isn't what I want to do?  Maybe I want to move into life coaching or something that doesn't require insurance? Maybe I want to spend more time teaching or organizing?  Maybe I want to be an author and I just don't trust myself to follow through because of days like this when I am avoiding the hard work.  

I should spend some time thinking about that... why am I not allowed to be an author instead of a helper...?  

*because it isn't giving to others, its selfish

*because it isn't a real job (can you make money? can you guarantee an outcome?)

*because it is lonely, you don't have a support network for it

*because people will be disappointed that you walked away from something you're both good at, and that helps others

*because it is only part of what you want... not fully

And what do I want?  

I want to be an author, that is true. I want to be 'good enough' to be an author and I want my words to impact people. I also want to be a helper... (teacher, social worker, therapist, whatever). I also want to have a relationship and children and it is really hard to imagine doing all of these things, I also want to be a good friend, brother, son, uncle, but its hard to do so... I want to embrace all of me, and don't know how to balance these pulls. I want to serve, and also be there for myself. I want to live a spiritual life, but also indulge in all the hedonistic cravings...

Saw these musicians last night who create such beauty... move us. 

I alternated that with watching the scandalous... the mesmerizing, and with playing games on my phone, Tetris, risk, geography and word games... and occasionally stealing glances at the pictures of those I have loved. 

Oh this life is full of pulls... how to know which direction to allow your body and soul and mind to drift. 

I think I need to move from this seat, because the height of this table and the distance from the seat feel uncomfy, the wrong angle for things. I am just full of excuses today eh?

How to embrace what it, as it comes, acknowledge and release, rather than dwell on the uncertainty, control what is uncontrollable, the pull of Prometheus and Epimetheus -can't you sit in the present? Can't you sit with your humanity in all its vulnerability without having grand designs...

find the rhythm of the universe rather than trying to create it

What would that look like? How do you be a vessel, allow the muse to work its magic, let it be... be in the flow of the river, rather than clinging, or swimming against the current.

I suppose that is the way to say it... I feel out of the flow today.  Not sure where the access point is... or rather, I am sure its inside me... but I am not sure I am seeking it?

Not sure what else to say today. Should probably be out doing, instead of thinking... maybe I need a walk, maybe I could return and do some real writing later if I moved, moved, moved.