I dont know whats up with me... last night I went to bed earlyish... tonight I am ready for bed after this. Probably sit on my phone trying to drown it out.
Today was an odd day. I woke up and went to get coffee and did some reading. I felt positive about the day ahead. Then after my second client, I just felt off. Felt like I couldn't get grounded... something was wrong, and it was easy to blame me and wonder what I should be doing differently. Ate lunch, did some work, decided I needed to journal. It was helpful, but then I had some more clients... I felt like I was as grounded as I could be, but I knew something was wrong.
One of my clients was really struggling, the other not so much... I had another hour break inbetween clients and tried to get paperwork done, and again I felt off...
Felt like life wasn't very real. Thats what it felt like throughout the day, like no matter what you do, or how you participate, this isn't all that real. Tragic things happen... and the consequences feel real... but is there anything you can do about it? Predictable things happen, and despite knowing better, we don't or can't stop them. All the advice in the world. All the knowledge. All the best intentions. None of it matters all that much in the grand scheme of things... something is wrong.
I found out shortly before my last appointment of the night, that India and Pakistan were bombing each other. Not sure yet if this is a full scale war, or a tit for tat thing... but the idea of the hundreds of millions going to war with one another seems incredibly scary.
I am still feeling the unreal thing. I drove to get food, ate the food, watched a bunch of youtube and distracted myself... but it feels like I am swimming in unreality a little bit.
A little detached from reality, and yet the feeling brings up anxiety, dread almost... something feels very wrong. I am not sure what to say about it.
I am hoping it goes away. I don't like the feeling at all. I know there are things I can concentrate on to some extent and that makes it seem less big... but I feel a little unmoored, despite the gravity in the room.
Makes me want to cry... like someone I love is dying or has died, and the wave of it just hasn't hit me yet. But I am too afraid to find out or do anything different.
I've had this feeling in the past when I couldn't stop overthinking, or in the middle of the night when I haven't slept enough... or I dunno... but I kind of just want to hide from the pain of it all. Its like dread and the matrix together.
I dunno... just needed to say it out loud.