The downtime

 It's Nov 17th, 2024. Its a Sunday night, right before a busy week, and then a half week with thanksgiving. 

This weekend I saw Rachel and Illy. I talked to my mom about a house. I spent a lot of time cuddling with the cat.

I visited about 6 open houses, and drove by a few others before realizing I didn't actually want to live in those neighborhoods, or the houses didn't look great.  2 houses in Columbia heights, 1 in St. Paul, 1 in Richfield, 1 in Golden Valley, 1 in North East.    The only one I really considered was the Golden Valley one, as the rest had something that stood out as needing fixing beyond my abilities.  It's odd with the Golden Valley one because again, do I want to live in the suburbs? It would have been a house to visit with E, and I realized that shortly after I left. -That this was a house I had few complaints about, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is what I am looking for.  It makes me sad. 

Rachel isn't convinced I even want a house.  We toured one of the Columbia Heights ones together and she pointed out all the things that would need to be fixed structurally. I mostly noticed the cosmetic stuff and wasn't impressed much. It was a helpful lesson as I continue to look for homes. As a single home owner, she is aware of how much work they are, as well as the financial responsibility... and she wonders if I am just trying to run away from my problems.  

I am. 

Beyond that, I am also thinking of how to diversify my savings. I have money in various stocks and bonds... but nothing that is real and appreciating in value. There is part of me that wants something to own, before the whole country goes to shit. But maybe that is just adding headaches when it might be better to be fluid. 

So running away AND investing/rooting myself.

What do I really want?   

I've been asking myself that all week. The urge to travel for 6 months seems to have passed, though I do want to travel at some point. The stupid mistakes I keep making on my passport are gonna settle that matter and keep me here till at least next year. 

I've been cleaning and organizing. It helped to have Illy come over, put some fire under me to address the things I hadn't been paying attention to. Once E takes all her stuff, the house will feel less empty, but not ungodly miserable like it might have -had I not bought a bunch of cheap furniture and grabbed things from the basement.  Its too much space for me, and a house -really of any size would be also. But like a true american consumer, I can fill space over time. 

She didn't come back this week like she had planned to. Probably got caught up in taking care of her niece and nephews, so there are collections around the apartment ready to be put into a storage once she has the chance. Not that she wants to.  And me, I go back and forth on quickly I want her to do this whole moving out thing... but that is my selfishness and desire for things to not have to change so drastically. 

They already have though... its been about 7 weeks since she moved out. There are times when I don't even notice... staying busy, having tasks, projects, goals, or distractions. There are other times when I notice very much... when she is around I burst into tears. When she isn't, sometimes I just notice the pang of sadness or grief, and I don't know what to do with it.  

I've started with the drama in my head. Making the arguments, the case for why we have to be broken up. I am aware that I am trying to justify something that I had previously felt was unjustified. I don't want to get back together because I don't want to be in a relationship in which I take on more and more responsibility because otherwise I would doubt its success. That's not a group project, that's me taking the lead.   But that is my side of the story. She has hers... and I want to write the narrative for both of us so that I am not the bad guy.

But that's not my right. Nor is it my responsibility.  I don't want to get back together. I am moving forward. It hurts my heart, and it breaks my heart to know I am hurting her... but I want a different life, and I am choosing that. End of story.    ----my mind is not so easily convinced. 

In the downtime, is when I realize the grief, or it swirls in... and I am sad, and lonely, and confused, and totally don't know a way forward. I feel kind of helpless despite being totally functional and doing all the things.

I am asking the universe and my spirit guides and the angels and saints, and G-d themselves... as well as myself. 

In therapy the other day I realized... you know, the reason I feel weird about it is because I don't want E to feel like I did when my Dad left us. That's it, pure and simple. I don't want her to be hurt by my "selfishness."  And yet, she is not a child. She is an adult. She is supposed to be my equal, my co-person. And this whole protecting her thing is part of how we got soooooo off base. I need to not act or believe this whole thing anymore. I am not selfish, or when I am...its because I am protecting the parts of me that can love and support others...   That's not what happened when I was a kid.

Probably need to re-read the adult children of emotionally immature parents again with this in mind.  

I just need  boundaries. and direction...

I am not running away, not rushing into anything, not running back to an ex, or over indulging in stuff.  Trying to find a healthy mature balance that sets me up for the next thing.

What is funny... is that I kind of developed a slight crush on one of the pastors at church today. 

Church feels good. I want to continue to go. That's one of my only YESes right now. Which feels odd. 

Work meh,  business meh, friends sure -maintain and build on what is there, family same... living situation  -getting by, direction?   no idea.

It will be hard when she takes the cat, but I'll probably get way better sleep, and I'll clean the floors really good... and probably find cat hair for months if not years... but  it will still be hard. He sleeps with me, stays in the same rooms with me, bugs me all the time... 

She got jealous sometimes of how much he liked me, and how much attention I gave him. It was kind of annoying. 

I don't know what I am saying anymore.... probably gonna watch a tarot video or something... they make me so much more optimistic than I am naturally.   Its like, sunlight and tarot videos, and church are my balms right now. Salves?  maybe...

Maybe I need to take acid or go on a religious retreat.  

I don't know... 

my anxiety is a lot higher than I think I am pretending... it spikes when I need to eat. I am doing a good job of reminding myself to take care of my self before I let it throw me completely off.

Life goes on

 It’s 8 am the morning after the 2024 election. Douchbag will be president again. The senate has flipped to republican control, and we dont know about the house.  

It’s honestly devastating.  The cat woke me up early, but the pundits and things were predicting it by midnight, and i just turned off the tv resigned but hoping for a miracle that didnt come. 

The blame game is easy. 

I am angry. And hurt. And worried about so many people. Multiple clients have said they may be suicidal if…

And well, I understand. Who wants to live through hell?

The rise and fall of empires, this is just our turn. 

I’m worried about so many, and yet, selfishly I want to hide. Want to stay home, quit, run away. I dont want to have to work harder. I dont know that working harder will solve anything…

I dont want to console. I dont want to reach out to loved ones. I want someone to console me. I am alone and selfish and childlike… and I have responsibilities… and I have unmet needs too. 

It’s hard to imagine a more inept leader, and yet he won the popular vote?  People hate this guy, think he’s an asshole… and yet. People like assholes. 

I dont think it will be the fascist state he promises, i think it will more likely be the money grab corruption. But i could be wrong. Maybe he unleashes the stupidity and the greedy and the malicious all at once. Maybe it is end times… maybe this has happened hundreds if not thousands of times all over the world throughout history. We could do better… but, meh.

There is a new congresswoman who is trans. I fear for her. For her safety and her sanity. When the bullies have been given free rein. I can imagine hate crimes at the capitol, and thats ridiculous. 

One thing that was reinforced last night, is how alone i am. Didnt talk to anyone, scrolled social media for other peoples posts, it was just me and pundits on tv.  

Makes me wonder if i should be doing something else entirely with my life… 

Yesterday E and i were texting about the baby blankets and even the fucking pregnancy test that basically jumpstarted our relationship into solidity. I was crying about it. My heart still heavy with stuff that has happened so long ago, trying to let go, trying to be with and breath into, and still…   Maybe i should follow my heart that is so easily broken, so illogical. Maybe i should follow it towards these immense feelings, and the connection that causes them? 

Maybe i should give up ln this house and business thing, and just take my money and run to some paradise. Live on a beach, fish, read and write. 

Maybe i should go be a monk or a pastor.

Maybe i should join a community. Maybe start a cult. 

Maybe… get a fatal disease and die  all possibilities. 

It feels like we chose a stupid timeline. 

Im mad at myself for starting to believe she would win.  But america cant have nice things can it.

Meaninglessness

 Ive noticed the grief and loneliness are the worst at night and in the morning. Ive noticed it hits me the hardest when im hungry, and then sometimes im even less hungry. 

Today was a good day. I accomplished my goals. I saw illy and my mom. I even texted a bit with E- telling her i was looking for a house. Trying not to fall back into the old pattern because i dont want to lead her on, but I want to say I miss you. But I didnt really. I implied I was moving forward with my life. And she said congrats, even though she meant - it hurts me to hear that. 

I took a nap. I woke up around 5:30 the time id normally get home from work and be starving… I woke up, and nothing seemed enticing, nothing all that positive or fulfilling. I could have gone right back to sleep. I felt a little under the weather. I went through the motions, did my spanish lesson, read a book, played a game on my phone, watched a bunch of videos. I perused houses on zillow and the database my realtor has. 

 I stared at the blank walls of my apartment. Considered how empty it will soon be, this void of space that used to be filled with her and her stuff.

No wonder ive been so into shopping lately. No wonder I was desperate to buy a house. Trying to fill the void. 

The rest of the week will be easier-  tomorrow i work till 7. Then I’ll eat and go to bed. Wednesday i have my art class. Thursday? Maybe I’ll meet trick or treaters at the door… the weekend?   Try to find more houses to visit, open houses.. see what i like. Next week take on more clients, bring the paperwork home so that i have something i have to do. 

Art materials have been on my table for a week and I haven’t touched them.  

I have a half written book i could return to. 

I have vacations I could plan.

I have friends and family, and a church. 

I could take a class. I could teach a class. I could get a cat when she takes Simba who has been a constant in my life since i moved in… (he loves me, sometimes shed even be jealous). 

I dunno.  What do you do when you dont know what is next?    Or it takes time for the next thing to arrive? 

I suppose it’s just sitting with the meaninglessness, the loneliness, the loss and heartbreak. 

I must seem so cold when I talk to other people they dont see me crying every day. I must seem so put together and determined to the outside world. Bold… when really I’m - well I suppose part of me is that… its not really im different, its, I am also so vulnerable and sad and scared of living an unloved life. I think I've been caretaking so that i feel worthy. But Id like a partner who is my equal. Someone capable, creative, compassionate, smart, passionate, funny and silly, worldly, but also comfy to chill at home, who knows the struggles but can be grateful.

Sometimes when I was with E or M, Id catch myself recognizing i was settling for something because it’s so easy for me to be content. To enjoy being in relationship… but I wasn’t happy. I didn't see myself happy going forward… just more struggle over and over.  It’s not that i dont love these people… I still think of them and pray for them all… it’s just, not for me. 

But what is?

"Georgia" And some snapshots of grief and life moving forward

For some reason this song has been one of the ones that makes me cry. Sometimes I put it on repeat to stay with it. 

This week has been funny.  Last weekend or earlier this week my mom sent me a house listing around the block from her. For some reason the idea of buying the house stole my attention this week, and I got it into gear. I applied to be approved for a loan from the bank. I got a realtor. I told my therapist I might buy a house. I saw it on Saturday and though it wasn't quite the thing I wanted, I almost convinced myself to buy it. 

Saturday night after seeing it with my Mom and Grant, I drove around the east side of Saint Paul and tried to convince myself I'd have a new area to explore. New hang outs. Places I could invite people.  

I hoped a dream or something would say "YES" but even though that didn't happen, all the signs of moving forward seemed to be pointing me to get it...  I started fantasizing about what I wanted to do with each room. How I'd manage the lawn. I tried to tell myself some of the downsides were temporary or I'd just avoid them... I was sure I should go forward with it. Then on Sunday before pulling the trigger, I decided to go to an open house of another place... walking in, it felt more comfortable... felt more like something I could manage without having too much hassle. I didn't like the whole house, but I could see myself easily in the space. And I realized I needed to slow down. That actually if I listen to myself, I don't want an old house where I have to deal with slanted floors and the wood making none of the furniture fit right. I just want something solid with good lighting, and a neighborhood I enjoy. 

I told my mom I was sure I was doing well with the grief, and that even though I recognized some impulsivity in this whole house thing... it was ok.  Later I walked out of her house and the only person I wanted to call to talk about the house with was E. Wanted her opinion. Wanted her to be excited. Wanted her input on how to decorate and make it a home. I drove around that night trying to tell myself it was ok, but things kept reminding me of her absence as my companion.

This morning at church I couldn't stop crying. Snot and tears.  Why didn't we ever go in person?

I walked around noticing the yards and wanted to point them out.  Went to the second house, and realized how little I have to fill a home... 

Tonight, I thought about how I don't have a project (no new home this weekend), and even though I don't have work tomorrow, I sort of dreaded the feeling of the future without a solid goal.  I know I needed to eat and that was playing into it...but everything started to feel alien and stupid. I missed having my companion. I missed cooking for someone, or planning my night based on them, or having someone to check in with, or run errands for, or make a future with. 

I've been though this before... but I guess its hitting me tonight more so... just the total lack of a future...

Why hasn't it been hitting all week?   maybe having a house project... maybe all the tarot videos that tell me Im on the right track and things will change soon. Maybe... I dunno. 

At church they had that quote about faith in action,   If I were arrested for being a person of faith (a UU) , would there be enough evidence to convict me?   And it makes me kind of question whether I am doing anything of importance?    My life as a therapist is so   minimal, sealed off,  isolating.

What do I want to do to have a bigger life?    I've been more active lately... but I probably can't keep it all up you know...

I don't really know what I want or where I am going.   Thought I did, but I fool myself so easily. That's kind of the thing with the house... I'm caught off guard by how easy it was for me to delude myself... and get excited and -I know I am the type that I would have made either of those houses work. I can put up with a lot...  but the whole point of this was that I was gonna start doing things for me.   And me... who is that guy?  what's he got to do with anything.

Regret?

 E is starting to get her things, she took down reminder notes and affirmations we had given to one another.  She has cleaned out a few areas and put post its on other stuff to either let me know she is taking it, or that she will leave it for me. The tv in the bedroom she is leaving. The other one she will take eventually.  Logistically she has no where for it all to go right now, but she will pack and organize. Shes asked me not to pack for her. 

I came home and the small changes were devastating. It would be different if i was angry, but im not. Im disappointed. Im disappointed that we cant seem to make it work and that over time our lives have not gotten easier. 

Im reminding myself again and again of how it felt when she acted helpless. Reminding myself of all the opportunities there are to do things, go places, find a better healthier fit. But it’s hard when i also loved this life. I was content to not go those places because I enjoyed being her partner, enjoyed hanging out with her, enjoyed the routine comforts and the home she created here. 

It could have gone on that way. It could have changed and id have been happy to go it with her. But instead it suddenly was my responsibility alone, and i just couldn't keep doing for her when I knew she was capable. It was the prove to me games, the how can i trust you, that really caused me to doubt. Suddenly i was questioning these things i had thought were solid. Suddenly i was doing that thing in my head where you think “it would be easier if…” and suddenly when she pushed - i said enough. 

I am simply trying to enforce the boundaries that would allow me to love myself and her.  But that was too much. 

She told me she cant sit with the ambiguity, the door not quite shut. So i told her we can shut it then. 

In the last few days Ive hung out with friends, tried new things, explored new places. Ive returned to old places that made me feel good, places i would have shared with her if shed been open to it. Ive told people what would work better for me -Rather than catering to what i thought they wanted. It’s been really good. This weekend has been a really good weekend… but ive been crying so much today and i just feel so heavy with hurt and sadness. It burns in my chest. All the things i havent said because i didnt feel theyd be heard. And now… now she is moving out of my life.

And she isnt being mean. But she is hurt and angry. She is wondering why i wont keep trying to make it work like i did in the past. She is probably feeling rejected. 

AND she has made it clear she cant move back into this home anyway.  Even if we were to try, it would be packing up anyway. She cant live out of a suitcase at her sisters house. She cant stand to be in the home she made here… and she didn't put in effort to find us a new one.

Maybe it’s all unfair, maybe she wasnt in tbe place to do so. 

Maybe all this regret and questioning is ridiculous. I asked G-d and the universe and whatever was looking out for me to help me change the course back to being in alignment. 

I couldnt make the changes i needed to.   

Maybe we can meet again when we are both doing better. But i cant keep doing this caretaking thing. 

Still, I’ll probably keep crying as she goes. It’s gonna be shitty. 

Im reminded of so much positive and so much i am grateful for… but it hurts my heart to be reminded how it was filled up and drained again and again. 

Maybe im making a big mistake… 

But i dont think so. I think i just hate knowing someone i love is suffering and i could do something about it… but ive come to recognize it wont benefit them.  

End

 This morning i woke up crabby and depressed. I had therapy at 8, and by 9 i felt better. Felt like i was validated in my decisions. Felt like i was starting to trend in the right direction. I had a pretty light day at work. Then elsa asked me to go for a walk. 

On Tuesday she had been crabby with me, on Wednesday she seemed fine, today? I wondered where she was at and why she was asking. 

She apologized for Tuesday as we walked around the nature center. We talked about how things had been and where we were headed individually. She might get a job in forest lake, shes doing better, she is seeing people ans going out to places. She feels better and is ln different meds. She doesn't want to manipulate me, she doesnt want me to feel like im hurting her, but she does want me to reach out only if im ready to talk- to put in effort again. 

I told her im in the same position i was, but realized that wasn't quite true. I recognized she wouldn't move forward if i didn’t tell her to. I told her she needs to think of us as done. She told me she cant be friends. She told me shed come get her stuff with her sisters when they had the change. She told me to take care of her cat for the next few weeks. We said goodbye. 

I had realized that my heart wasnt in it to fight. The lead her on was cruel now that i knew. But I wasnt really wanting to say goodbye. 

I feel the grief as a numbing ache all over. It’s real now. I dont owe her anything and yet. Tower moment. Tumbling down. 

In my dream the other night we broke up and then i was attacked.  Maybe the death of one thing and then the next?

My therapist said what my mom said, take a vacation not a 6 month trip. Make these trips sustainable, do them a few times a year. Start your husiness. 

I had this thought today, maybe if I set a time in the future… if nothing has Changed then in 2 years i take a longer trip?  

I dunno everything seems kind of dull right now. Thats how it felt this morning.  A longing, an ache, a dullness where there was once purpose and connection… even if it wasnt fully sustainable. 

The thing that is bugging me the most is that I knew a long time ago, but didnt listen to my worries or that intuition, denied it again and again in the name of turning into a new me, listening to the loving part as much as I could, the compassionate part, trying to be the best of me.  And then it didn't work.. because I also have needs. When she started implying I wasn't doing enough and that what i had been offering wasn't love (and maybe its true) suddenly i just couldn’t anymore.  I stopped being in love. I dont want to hurt her, i still have plenty of love. I just cant give it away anymore… and it feels super mean of me to say that.

 I gotta figure out how to love and be loved reciprocally. That is a tall order for me. 

Meh

Feeling drained. Felt kind of sick/fatigue earlier so i didnt go to my art class, but then regretted it after i made dinner. Not sure why my typing skills on this thing have been so off. 

Last night E made some comments, set some boundaries. It felt rude, so i barely responded. Then i had drama in my head all night. Tried to go to bed early. Woke up in the middle of the night and couldnt sleep for an hour or so, finally fell back asleep and the cat woke me up. Fell back asleep and had a weird dream that turned into a nightmare. Woke up and couldnt sleep. It was something like 5 or 5:15. 

In the dream there was some sort of party, and E and i were struggling to communicate. She said something flippant and walked out of the house -intent to leave. I followed her, telling her that her comment wasnt true. By the time she was in her car or waiting for the ride or whatever, she was basically acting like a little kid -whining “no.” Over and over. I realized I would never solve it. That i couldnt get through to someone who didnt want to hear me. I gave up. It was sad. But i also felt relief. I walked back into the party and the first older man i saw i said something somewaht flippant but also like cheering him on, it was something like “youre free now.”   Maybe the old man was me? It didnt matter. I turned a corner and the party was no longer present. 

An eery soundtrack started playing as i went through my empty house. I turned another corner and a man yelled in terror- caught off guard. He struck me with a roll of duct tape and I fell backwards to the ground. As i was falling I realized he was taping and amputated leg at the knee. He swung at me again with the tape but couldnt reach me, i noticed he was held back by his other hand which was handcuffed near the ceiling.  He tried to stomp on me with his amputated leg. 

I woke up in terror.  The scene replayed over and over and i began to wonder why he was attacking me. It seemed scary to realize that he thought i was the threat. If the man attacking me was not the threat, then who or what was?  

It was an ok day at work, but i felt likeni was mostly going through the motions. Its felt like that a bit lately.  Grief. 

I keep trying to remind myself to just stay present with the feelings. No need for drama or what ifs. Trust the universe, stay present, experience what is - rather thab urning it into something else.  

The loneliness, the grief, the guilt, the desire for companionship and love—- well they sometimes make me want to fight for the relationship again.   But if after 2.5 years im still on the fence. Dont I owe it to her and me - to say i cant promise you the future we both want?

Ingo back and forth… but if im honest with myself… I want something better.  I might regret it… but a chance at something healthier, lesa imbalanced.

Hard to love someone and let them go. Not the first or last time.