Still feeling sick. And my stomach hurts. And Im a little sad tonight.
Tomorrow is gonna be a long day, and then three day weekend, but at least two will have family stuff.
I wish I were feeling more excited about that.
Yesterday I was in a better mood. Today, I am kind of accepting that the universe has to do what the universe has to do. And its our job to accept it.
So I accept that my stomach hurts, and its making me a little dramatic and pitiful, and I am sad.
Peace
Don’t have much to say. The day started well, got a little nerve wracking anxiety prone due to work stuff, then ended slow when I decided I didn’t care that much.
Forgot to get Thai food.
I just got an email regarding a potential space for my business, and it sounded cool. So hoping to set up a time to visit.
Not much else. The tarot folks keep saying to believe in divine timing, to wait like the hermit, to set off like the fool, they say the sun is shining on me and generally I feel good even while I feel dumb. I’m 41, it’s time to start the next thing right?
Hoping to sleep well on NyQuil.
Maybe I need a cpap.
Have a three day weekend coming up and I know birthday celebrations will be part of it, but generally I’m not trying to stay appreciative of my life without overdoing it. It’s been a really really good life. I’ve met wonderful people, been lots of places, done some awesome stuff. Contributed and been blessed… so if anything happens. I am grateful that I’ve known you.
Ok… gonna go to bed. Or play games or something.
Goodnight
I turn 41 in a few days. I am sick right now, it’s just a cold, but sometimes I’m slightly miserable- so I can’t say I’m feeling all that introspective or reflective, but I wanted to journal. I feel like I’ve been avoiding things that require concentration all day. I’ve been accomplishing the minimum of the required things for me to feel functional - but not much else. I went to church and hung out in the balcony cuz I didn’t want to feel like I might have to interact with people. I went to Costco which was the biggest excursion and spent 300$ but now I have a supply of those extra things that will last a while. I got home around noon and felt exhausted. I did the dishes and laundry… and made myself some food… but didn’t really do anything else for the past 8 hours and if you asked… I wouldn’t necessarily be able to tell you what I’ve been up to… some sleep im guessing, some phone time… I dunno feels like the day was simultaneously really long and really short.
Yesterday I also ventured out. I went to a “retreat for burnt out therapists” and it was really nice, but my DayQuil wore off half way through the day and it started getting much harder. I dunno if any of these were my people, but it was lovely to attend. I really enjoyed it, and a lot of that was just the spirit I chose to show up in. To be open, to be accepting, to be me and to appreciate the moment for what it was…
That being said, I went into it with a little magical thinking. All those tarot videos I watch for hope, gave me a little magical fantasy that maybe I’d meet my next person soon. Not sure that happened.
After the retreat I went to spyhouse and did a little bit of writing, but ultimately came home feeling pretty warn out. Even wondered if I’d make it out of the house today or tomorrow. With enough quil, anything is possible.
Friday night (I think) I talked to Eduardo (j) for like an hour on Instagram and it was super nice. I laughed, I cried, I heard a little about her disaster of a trip to the Philippines. I felt envious of her travels, and also envious of the people she gets to be around.
I missed loving and being loved.
The grief isn’t as intense this weekend, but it’s present. The sinus part of this cold is doing this weird thing where it makes me cry, and I can’t always tell the emotions apart from the physical sensations… it’s odd. But the grief is primarily coming to me in these moments of just noticing change, or I suppose also in moments of missing good times. But the change is stuff like, ‘damn I have a really big apartment for just one person.. there is so much room now, where a separate life used to be.’ And ‘damn it feels lifeless, functional but not filled with warmth or connection’ or ‘damn I haven’t been to Costco since I was shopping for both of us, it’s a completely different experience shopping for me, it used to be we…” And thinking about that aspect of having someone else to consider for years and then suddenly -no i don’t need to worry about or make sure of… I still spent a goat load of money, but it was all on stuff for me. If it had been both of us? At least 200 more.
There is a really weird thing happening where I’m getting little thrills out of either saving money, or using up things and having to buy more. It’s like the weird games you play when you’re traveling alone and bored.
I am saving money. Not sure what for… primarily it’s meant giving more to charity and the church so far.
But I mean, it’s like the little thrill of finishing all of your groceries or needing to buy new soap, finally check that off the list.
Its odd.
I thought I would have something more to say… I guess I’ve been thinking about aging and life and all these things. Feeling like I’m not gonna be a crabby old man who feels like a victim, but also, how will I not turn into that?
When I look through photos of my life, I feel live been very successful. Like it’s been a really really good life and I am very grateful. And that means I guess that I have a lot to lose.
I don’t know what the next chapter will be. The tarot video predictions didn’t come true yet, maybe I have to stop believing in magic and actually go make decisions for my own life.
I told my therapist last week that my development is so staggered and uneven… in some ways I’m super advanced, in other ways I’m super behind my peer group. Maybe gotta stop using them as a comparison, but also of course hard not to.
Maybe that’s what 41 will bring… a whole new variety of decisions and experiences.
I’m gonna either read or watch another tarot video now. Then take some NyQuil.
I hope you are feeling lovely.
I’m at spyhouse, doing some research for the book mostly, thus far. The music is a bit loud and I’m. Considering leaving because I can’t hear any inner knowing… you know? I am tempted to read that don miguel Ruiz book I bought from five below, but then next chapter is “inner silence” and yah, ha ha.
I’ve been scouring for myths, but the muse isn’t really with me today. I feel tired. It’s freezing out. I’ve been feeling behind and unproductive even though I’ve mostly done everything on my immediate list with the exception of cleaning the stairs and kitchen floor, and seeing illy.
I went to church and the sermon was based on the book Aryn gave us a few weeks ago. The music director started a short story about dreaming of alternative economies by saying “I remember everything about this story except the characters names…” and invited the audience to name them. It was playful and a nice hook. The music was great, the sermon was right on… though I kept feeling really grateful for that murder, and how it seemed to create a line in the sand. In an odd way, giving hope that we could recreate things through this class realignment… billionaires are sick, we can either invite them back into community and relationship or cut them down, but allowing them to do this is poison.
…
and I left hoping to do some writing.
For some reason, what is on my mind is my lack of direction and knowing my priorities. Or rather knowing my priorities from what I seem to put energy into.
Security, work, etc…
At one point during our break up E said something along the lines of “I hope you figure out what you want” or “find what you’re looking for” or something like that… and she didn’t mean it in a mean way or implying anything, just acknowledging that it seemed I was driven by something that wasn’t clear to me, and maybe it was to her - but she didn’t have answers for me, she knew I had to figure them out myself.
I think it’s funny how apparently I have realized that I am not prioritizing family and children, even though I’ve always claimed I wanted that. I still wish for it, but wishing is resisting after all.
I am not putting effort into love or romance at least right now… something else.
So what are my priorities? Not travel, or starting a business, or my health… friends? Not really, work? Not really, art and writing and blah? Somewhat, dreaming? I wish… and resist.
Too much time on my phone. Lots of distraction.
I dunno. Will probably head home soon… and what will I do? Spend all the time on my phone?
It’s Saturday. I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything today even though I did. I have the nagging feeling of incompleteness, of something missing, and it hints of grief some of the time and other times just makes me wonder what the hell I am doing with my life.
This past week was weird, with Tuesday and Wednesday off and cat sitting, I felt like my rhythm was completely thrown off and I liked it some of the time (getting time to be creative and not stressed) and was kind of miserable some of the time (the cat being clingy or keeping me up all night). Working on Thursday and Friday was fine when I was with clients, but I felt fairly unfulfilled and also completely unmotivated.
Friday night I didn’t really do anything productive. The cat went back to my dad’s, and I was tired.
Today I woke up to my mom asking me if I wanted to come over to do puzzles. Conveniently I had plans already. Its weird though, that is the kind of thing I want to do, but I have too many other things I need to do… and the idea of driving to Saint Paul with the temp below zero sounded kind of miserable. Instead, I had breakfast at French meadow with Gabi for 4 hours - which has become our tradition every 3-4 months. And we talked and talked and it was fun, even though I know I made her a little insecure at one point, but by 2 pm when I left, I felt like I had missed an opportunity to write. When I got home it was miserable cold out and I was hungry and needed to do some chores so I did all that, and I didn’t have any creative will power from eating heavy food, and it was cold so I laid about/ napped under the blankets for a few minutes/hours and then finally woke up to eat another heavy meal.
I finally did some reading related to my book, finding myths and folktails for the Lucy sections… gonna do some more. But I kept feeling like I needed to move or change or clean or something. Felt like I have too much space and it needs to be made super tidy or it won’t feel right… something doesn’t feel right.
Maybe I need to meditate or watch a tarot or reiki video to get into my flow state… maybe I need to pray or cry.
Church tomorrow, maybe illy or my mom or dad. Then work again, then repeat.
I really want to get back into writing, but it takes time and creative energy and I don’t know if I have that during my work week. Maybe I need to reduce my expectations of how much I can accomplish.
I miss companionship, the ease of it, the security of it, the routines, how quickly time goes by when you are ok…
Black sheep seems to have closed. There goes the Friday ritual.
Saw that insta post again so I’ve had this in my head all day. https://youtu.be/IclRg7oLr28?feature=shared
https://youtu.be/jWHpIP1-kUI?feature=shared
I was listening to this song in the shower this morning and began to cry. I think it’s the mix of the words, melody and that rhythm that feels like you have to keep marching forward even though things aren’t ok. I love it.
I reread old blogs last night, a year ago is when she projectile vomited all over the door. Later we figured out that was part of the condition, the imbalance in her ear. I think I really didn’t know how to process watching someone I love struggle so much, watching them lose their self to this illness.
Which is funny because wasn’t that also what happened in the past with people? Haven’t I seen this before several times. A year of trying to stay in control while you worry the foundations are crumbling beneath you.
This year will be better? Maybe.
I feel so sad sometimes.
I spent most of the day ignoring the day, the moment, the end of the year. Other people are sending me texts of support, or wellwishing or whatever one does on the last day of a the year.
We used to celebrate when I was young.
After college, some of my friends would celebrate "old years eve on the 30th" that was a funny tradition.
I was never much of a partier, so the whole thing really hasn't been my speed for a while. They are having a party downstairs. Its oooonce oooonce ooooonce with a beat.
I don't remember what we did last year, probably watched a movie and went to bed? I should see if I have an entry.
Yesterday I worked. I work again on thursday and Friday. It was ok, but my heart wasn't fully in it, because on Sunday Elsa and I had been chatting, and then on Monday she said she needed to put the boundaries back up and I knew she did... but it was hard to hear all the same. The reality that she was the biggest source of comfort and hope for me for over two years... or rather that our relationship was... and now we can't talk without one of us having to set a boundary so we don't get heart broken more than necessary is like "wow mature" and also really shitty. The same grief again and again. Its hardest in the first day or two, and within a few days it dissipates. But it doesn't necessarily mean it is replaced with something better. I don't know what I want...
I really don't.
I spent all of last week thinking I needed to figure out my future, and I never did. It was a gray sky and I was irritable... and I just didn't figure shit out.
I promised myself I'd return to my book soon -had planned to all last week and never did. I started yesterday. Read half of 1A or whatever... then another half today, and started on 1B. Added significantly to one of the Lucy chapters, then it got erased (45 minutes of writing), then I recreated it later in the evening, though probably not as inspired as the first time.
I fell in love with the book again. I've been crying over the characters again. Awed at how the muse caught me in certain scenes. Very critical of how the narration keeps changing styles and point of views. I will definitely need a good editor eventually.
Reading it has made me want to keep going again. Maybe that's one conclusion I have come to at the very end of this year. That I want to start putting effort in more frequently.
Looking at the last saved files, it has been years. Leap frogged through the last decade. It shows too. It shows that I started this project ten years ago, the technology, the politics, the state of the world (pandemics, wars, etc.) have all changed since. How much do I want to incorporate? How much do I want to acknowledge, NO this is a different timeline... so that I don't have to worry about being "accurate" in my predictions. Better to let the timeline split earlier. The tech piece is probably the most difficult to salvage... do they have internet and smart phones and TikTok? I have them passing jump drives, but that doesn't make sense with smart phones. Maybe they are finding ways to airdrop or transfer files through little cords. I need something more consistent. But its funny... like TikTok wasn't a thing really ten years ago, and it is now... so the youth especially need to have that. T swift is the same. So that works. Ha
So much work to do... but I enjoy it. I can write a scene and it can be crap, and I can edit it a thousand times later. I can put out a book, and then not write the sequel for ten years... that could be a thing.
I could make a website and say 10 more parts to come... and then never ever finish that, but pay for the upkeep on the website of course.
I dunno. I am crying over imaginary characters I've created, and noticing how they each mirror people in my life (not entirely), but scenes I wish I'd experienced, and scenes I have experienced... and its all weird. Its so clear it is me and the things I project on the world. (though kind of dark as fuck).
Anyway... I wrote down some new years words that i heard on the radio... words like "creative" and "play" but my goals are still the same.
I don't want to do a big retrospective of this year. This year was hard... and there was plenty of good too... but it ends with recovery from a long relationship that was my biggest source of comfort and hope for the past two years. And now I am trying to find comfort and hope in new things... and that's how the year ended.
