Middle of the night.

I have this desire to create something beautiful, meaningful, lasting… instead I watch YouTube or worse even, reels on Instagram. 

Vic and Katrina did this little art print workshop and it was really beautiful and inspiring… and it would be nice to just have the capacity to welcome… to be open. To give. I’m wound up playing my role too much. 

I haven’t read the book I was reading in a week. 

Last week I played guitar twice, I’m determined this week to play at least 15 minutes every day. Tonight I played for thirty, but only after laying in bed for like 4 hours in and out of sleep. 

I did not do the dishes, sweep or vacuum, wash the countertops… these are things I should do. 

I’m keeping up with my Spanish, so I know that small increments consistently matter. 

I’m keeping up with my work, though there are a few places I’ve fallen behind -namely Medicare and a call to Cigna. I have between 15-20 clients every week. It’s hard to know whether that is paying the bills. I’m behind on a credit card, but I also know it was the equivalent of the charitable donations I gave for give to the max day, so basically I was trying to live abundantly. I think I have enough saved for taxes, but who knows. I am working two days next week, and all five the following week, any appointment is making cash even if it’s 1-2 a day, that’s a few hundred coming in. 

I feel like I am managing socially, but not that active. I don’t feel like I’m a great friend to every body. But I’m still trying to say yes when people reach out. 

I bought a happy lamp I haven’t used yet. I feel like I’m out of counter space. 

I am not happy with my weight and the amount I crave sugar and desserts. I feel like my body is starting to work again, -

I’m going to the gym at least twice a week. Walking, tiny amounts of lifting… but I’m sure I’m not offsetting the amount I’m eating. The cravings are sooooo strong. Makes me want to take one of those shots, but I know they mess with your metabolism - so probably not a good idea. 

I’m running into a gray zone… I feel like I want to be dating someone, but I’m still spending a lot of time with E. And that’s probably not helpful to future prospects. It isn’t the same as it used to be. Sometimes I don’t even respond to her texts, as in, I let the conversation die, don’t follow up to every open door- etc. but it’s still nice to hear from her, and I still care a lot. Still worry. 

But how do I open the door to someone new? Not that there is anyone I’m meeting or anything, but even if there was…

I need to get a massage, but it’s so damn cold out I feel like my body would tighten up immediately after and defeat the purpose. 

This is apparently just a list of complaints and updates on the day to day.  Life feels ok. There is probably a lot I’m avoiding. I’m trying to be healthy and make slow progress towards my goals, but I feel out of balance some times. The SAD is not helping. Some days I feel terrrible and other days just fine. I feel anxious a lot for no reason,feel like I’m behind, when everything is just fine. Like all weekend I felt like I was procrastinating my work. Like it was looming over my head, and then today I just caught up in between sessions. I didn’t even have to do any over the weekend. Got it all done. This week is a light week for work, next week will be too obvi. So what do I want to spend my time doing? And how do I get out of this mindset that there isn’t enough to go around? 

I keep feeling like something drastic is gonna happen, and part of me wants that, something to launch me into the next chapter. This chapter is slow, it’s rebuilding, it’s creating a structure and a platform, but for what?

The news everyday I so upsetting. It’s weird to have a high standard of living in a country that clearly is falling apart. 

I guess I should be grateful for what I have. I did not win the lottery the other day… and that’s probably for the best. 

Well I should probably go to bed. 

The world feels heavy

I’m not sure what to say exactly other than the title. I feel very blessed and grateful to have opportunities and to have such wonderful people in my life, to be close to friends and family, to have people who have been with me for decades or just days, but who are sooo beautiful and amazing. I have resources and meaningful work, I have the opportunity to be creative, or take care of myself, or veg out and indulge in nothingness, whatever I can choose… but damn the world feels so heavy right now.  So much grief, sorrow, suffering and though some of it is natural, it’s made all the worse by the fact that so much of it is humans choosing this. 

There are people weighing on my heart, and I don’t really even feel like I can say the things I mean… I live my life so afraid to be fully present, so afraid that something might happen or I won’t be able to respond, or I’ll be taken advantage of  or whatever… I’m not sure what will change that, but despite my actions and stoic responses, I’m a little guy with a very big very full heart, that breaks routinely. And lately it is heavy.

This week is gonna feel busy till Friday. I hope to make some meaningful connections or progress on things, and also just keep my head above the water.  

I dunno. 

Just need to say this

 

I’m so mad at myself for not being normal enough to have kids. I’m so sad that I probably won’t have them. I feel like my heart has become too hard, and I’ll never really love without holding back… 

And I’m kind of devastated that I wasn’t dumb enough to fuck up in a way that gave me kids. Maybe I’m infertile anyway or something… I just. I feel like half of life has been cut off early. 

I don’t know if that’s how other childless people feel, but I feel that way right now. And I’m so sad and mad at myself. 

I watched this video and this girl just starts the video with “hey baby… “ as she is talking to the viewer and I had this thought about what if I did a video every time I had a moment I wanted to shared with my child… (and I thought of the miscarriage)  and I just fell apart. I want to go to bed now, even though that’s not healthy. I know I should have compassion for myself or do some self care or turn it into creativity… but I’m just kind of like what’s the point? 

I have a really long day at work tomorrow.

The world is fucked up, and I fucked up. And I don’t even have anyone to share the fuck ups with. 

So that’s tonight. 

I’m not suicidal or anything, but if I ever am. This is my note. I tried really hard to do the right things, but I didn’t. I know it.  And I don’t have anything to show for it. 

Holiday weekend

 

It was a good 4-day weekend. Time spent with family and E. Got to see Simba though it sometimes feels like he doesn't remember me anymore. Saw her new place. Not sure what the deal is there, but I am glad she has some distance from family and is in a safe and comfy spot. We walked 9 mile creek in the snow and then went to an Osaka that is now called Samurai, and both decided that Benihana is much better. 

I spent much of the 4 days practicing self-care. Took a few days off from screens -hoping to limit them more in the future. I started playing guitar again (around 2 hours so far). Started writing a song, and busted out the old audio recorder thing I used 15 years ago. I also spent about 2 hours in the apartment gym, so I am using the amenities! YES. Still not sure the apartment is worth the cost, but I figure if I go to the gym twice a week that's pretty good, that's like a $100 membership to a gym, right? I'd still rather go for walks, but it also snow stormed this weekend... so tough to get around. 

I am feeling a little brain dead. I'd hoped to do some creative writing or brainstorming tonight. But it seems like the blog today is mostly just a recap...

Did some supervision CEUs... need to do more in December, but feeling mostly on track for licensure in Jan. Did not do a few other work things (paperwork, Medicare) but I can do that Monday, Tuesday. Had a bunch of people reach out this weekend for appointments... so it feels like I might have to start a waitlist soon. I kind of like having a day or at least a half day empty and it seems like peeps want appointments.

Thursday this week is consult. Thursday next week is a Christmas concert with my mom. Gonna do therapy just one time this month... one chiro appointment, maybe a massage? It seems like the physical therapy has done wonders, and now my shoulder is roughly back to normal. Still a bit tight, but I can lift weights and move it pretty much. Maybe I will cancel the appointment in January. 

Listened to some Louden Wainwright III and 311 today. The LW cd is has a lot of songs about aging and loss, and rediscovering or accepting where you are at. the 311 cd... um not really a theme (Soundsystem) come original?

Spent some time yesterday thinking about an art project and kind of designing it. If I keep up with the no screens, I could imagine it getting finished this year.  

Time with family was good, mostly centered around the chaos of the littles. It is hard for me to imagine having little kids, the mess alone. And yet, the idea of existing for another 10-40 years without a family seems kind of pointless in some way. I don't think it is, but I also understand why childless people might decide to let go once life gets hard, like who is gonna take care of me anyway?

Considering changing churches, I think I need to explore the ones over here. It's mostly because there is staffing changes happening at first U. I enjoy their services, but maybe I could find the same elsewhere.

Not sure what else. Apparently going to the gym right as the sunset wiped me out. I ate lunch at like 3:30 so now I am not sure if I call it a night and go to bed at 8... or try to wait to have another meal. 

Seems like a weird day. I woke up at 11, so everything has been off. 

Maybe I'll get a new wave of energy in an hour or something.

I was thinking I should start writing essays for the blog rather than just venting/journaling. What could I write an essay about?  RIght now, nada.

Haircut? Or sad

 

Mental health is so weird. Being a therapist is too. Yesterday I woke up feeling anxious, then felt depressed, then pulled myself together aa the sun broke through on my walk to work. I got to my office and drank coffee and used a happy light and got some work done. I felt prepared for my first client, I had a good time with my new supervisee, I joked with another client, and with the last I felt overwhelmed and urgent and like i fucked up by giving unwanted advice. I sat in my office for 30 minutes doing nothing as the sun began to set, then walked home trying to remind myself I’m not a fuck up. Awed by the swings my mind can do in just moments, trying to be grateful, trying to let go. 

I got home, made dinner, did some Spanish, some physical therapy. I went to bed at like 8:30. Woke up three hours later with my mind doing 5 things at once, all of them kind of stupid (replaying a song I saw 30 seconds of at some point in the day, playing risk, trying to reassure itself). 

I spent like 20 minutes in bed half wanting to go back to sleep and half trying to convince myself that there must be something more to this recent bout of shame, fear, vulnerability and insecurity. Why am I suddenly swinging all the time between these things? Why does it feel like work just to have a cogent thought. 

I have some big fears that keep surfacing. I’m afraid I’m really unhealthy and don’t even know it. Like maybe my heart is gonna give out. I’m afraid I can’t stop eating sugar as evidence by the half a lie I’ve eaten even before thanksgiving, the constant candy etc. I’m afraid I’m not gonna find someone to love, or maybe that I’m not even interested sometimes, I’m afraid if I do find someone that I will have to give up other people to love, im afraid I’m fucking up at work, I’m afraid I’m not doing anything with my life, I’m afraid I’m wasting my life, I’m afraid of how others perceive me and that they are judging me as harshly as I judge myself. I’m afraid I’m doing harm.

I dunno… I just feel so ungrounded in these moments and in the next totally logical and even optimistic sometimes. 

I feel like I’m picking up way too much of other peoples stuff… some of this doesn’t even feel like me. I also worry that I’m totally off, and not really hearing anyone, lost in my own world. 

I feel very insecure physically. I think some of it is the haircut and people noticing. 

I’ve been wondering if I should be on meds again. Maybe that would make things easier. But I’m also like… why am I afraid of feelings? Nothing is actually wrong, nothing is on fire. I’m literally just reacting to my own thoughts and feelings… like oh? You’re uncomfortable with your hair cut or your body? You can work with that. Oh you are worried you’re addicted to sugar or screens? You can work with that. Be bored, be creative, read a book, draw, write… do something besides distract yourself, meet someone, travel, pick up an instrument dance.    So many options and you’re trapping yourself in the smallness of your mind rather than embracing the wholeness of reality.  

I’ll probably distract myself after writing this. 

I remember during covid some of these feelings would come up. I’d go to work and be “helpful”, and then wonder whether it mattered that I lived or died, and then wonder if it mattered  that I couldn’t answer that question with anything that felt important.. like yes and no, no and yes, and so ultimately meh, not really. 

So replaceable, so intangible and weightless in the larger sphere of things…. I think about plague victims, human beings with every bit of beauty and awe, and awful, as us… dying, suffering by the thousands, millions. Families and villages and nations wiped out in the span of days or months. And each of them wondering why? Why their life did or didn’t matter. Why their life became consumed by a different life, the gnashing of teeth. 

Change is the constant.

I think about how dismissive I’ve been of my life lately. Someone gives me a compliment because of my hair cut and because I don’t like it, I tell them I’m not sure yet. 

Someone gives me a congrats on starting a business and I tell them I don’t really care about it. 

Someone tries to tell me or show me they love me, and I don’t have the time for them.

I dunno… this ivory tower living sure isn’t it. But I also don’t know what else to do. The thought of moving again -even next August, seems like a lot of work. The thought of finding a new job or office space… meh. 

I think ideally I find a project or an organization to dedicate myself to, maintain what I have and throw myself into something else, so that I’m not feeling lost and disparaging myself. 

Men alone, become sicker statistically. 

I figured I’d write this stuff down not because it means anything in particular, but just because though I’m not sure it’s good to dwell on, it’s also not good to avoid. I fear I’m avoiding something, and I don’t want to do that. 

Maybe more vitamin d tomorrow. 

What is real what is you?

 

Its a Sunday. I slept in because the only time sensitive plans I had were cancelled yesterday.  I was social the last couple days, and figured I'd be using the day to prep for the week and do nothing. 

At some point in the very early morning I considered avoiding my computer and phone all day. I need to do that more often. But I figured I was gonna do some work today, and probably watch church online. 

It's been kind of wild day in an odd way. When I woke up I had this slight awareness that nothing was real. That the stories I tell myself to propel me through the day, to motivate, to get shit done, to have goals, to have accomplishments, to have relationships or a personality... none of it is really real.  The feeling has come and gone throughout the day. It's not quite depersonalization or ego death, its more just a glimpse of that. It's not quite depression, but I could see it turning to that if I listened. I did some stuff, some laundry, made a smoothie, did the dishes, got groceries. I ate breakfast and lunch, I texted a few people...

But the feeling comes and goes. Sometimes I can concentrate and focus, other times not. I can watch shit and not lose interest, laugh along with stuff, be impressed. But I also sometimes have a thought and it slips away without anything happening... and that is kind of off putting while at the same time I am not sure it matters once I am in the mindless state. 

I watched a video that said all the red flags are you, and I agreed with every point about that personality I have and its weird stories.  I watched a hypnosis video that called attention to your mass/matter, and thought how funny it is that we gain and lose mass/matter without ever noticing or feeling different that part of me is new of changed.

I watched church online and I was curious about the drama behind the scenes. One of my favorite church leaders is leaving the church and he hinted that it had been a hard time for him. Another left about 6 months ago... what is going on?  Part of me wondered if I also want to leave that church? It was a new member ceremony and it felt odd to welcome people into a community that I was feeling less, communal with. 

I dunno, its been an odd thing today. At one point I got sleepy and sat on the couch and basically fell asleep, I went and took a nap. The sun set. Time passes. Suddenly it was 5:30... where has the day gone?  What does it matter? 

I have some work I want to get done tonight still. And I know I need to eat dinner. And I was planning on journaling or something... I gues this is that. 

On friday I hung out with E, made salmon, read tarot. The time went quick, but I was nervous and odd the whole time. I felt like I was trying to make her happy, but also averse to making her happy. It was weird. I am not sure who I am or what I want to be. She asks me so many questions... last night I had dinner with Illy and she was doing the same. I talked and talked and somehow in talking and feeling more and more myself, I also felt like I was losing myself. Its and odd feeling.

I saw some of my teacher coworkers yesterday and we went for a walk at 9 mile creek down in bloomington and it was beautiful. At some point we talked about politics and I got so angry, and then I realized my vision had completely narrowed and I was only looking down at the path in front of me instead of marveling at the beauty around me. It was so simple to change focus, but it felt like in being wide eyed, I'd lost all ability to name, direct, control.

I was telling illy I feel like I've lost my ability to trust people... or maybe its more like I expect everyone and everything to fail... and I don't trust my ability to get back up?

I am living so unnaturally, a whole day off to do nothing, alone... I wonder how many humans who weren't exiled from their community ever did that.

I am not sure what I wanted to say. I have been eating too much, and preparing to hibernate. 

My tarot cards today were the hanged man, the hermit, the 7 of swords and the 7 of wands. I thought I was taking time off to figure out who i was and what i wanted to do with my time and energy... turns out I was just being a lump, disconnected from reality... and maybe thats how I actually spend most of my time, disconnected and pretending that I am connected?

Who knows. 

I better make some dinner or something. 

Feelings

 On Sunday I went to an event for a clinic I used to intern at. I was preparing myself to run into M, and built myself up to feel confident, self assured, then got all sorts of wound up in the drama in my head, then laughed it off. 

She didn’t show up. I wasn’t sure what to expect, I hadn’t seen most of the folks for a few years. Turns out they were trying to have like a brainstorm/ restart on the clinic. I was able to share what had been meaningful to me in the past, and a few ideas about the present and maybe even the future. I found it to be a really cool event, and it made me miss being involved in organizations, missed having a shared mission and a team to work with. 

One of the board members asked me to email the director with some ideas. I sat in my car and wrote out an email, and began to imagine myself giving presentations at the universities trying to create enthusiasm about their mission. It felt great to brainstorm and be creative about something other than my own stuff. I road the wave of it into the next day, when I was confronted with my own therapy practice again. It was a good day with clients, today too… but I miss the sense of belonging, and I miss having a team. 

It also made me realize there seems to be a difference between me creating my own projects - like workshops, and the idea of helping others, or representing someone else’s mission. I could run classes or groups now, but I dont feel enlivened by the idea of doing it alone. 

So I’ve been thinking and wondering about that… it also made me realize how much I miss my old jobs because of that, and exes who I’d come home and brainstorm with. It felt like I had a teammate. Now… not so much. 

Today I struggled to get my head fully present. I felt like crying all day. Clients were good, connected with a prospective client as well as a coordination of care call that went well… but I was partially absent… something in me felt sad and angry and raw… a lot of my clients feel that way now, and I’m sure I picked up a bunch of that these last few days but also something stupid happened 2 blocks from my office (an ice raid) and I let other people in my building know… but it felt violating. Even though I wasn’t involved - found out later one of my old coworkers was… but it felt violating to think about how a client might be trying to get to their therapy office and get caught up in that. Or, people living or working in the fucking neighborhood! This is my neighborhood now, and some fuckers just ran in with weapons and pepper sprayed protesters and it’s just evil. 

It’s awful. I had this weird moment where this construction worker (white guy) who I was informing looked me in the eyes with the same “it’s fucking bullshit” attitude and I didn’t know him, and I was just moved by the fact that he was so quick to anger and protection like he was thinking about people he knows and works with, and his first response was so quick to that feeling of recognizing it was sooooo hurtful and scary, and angering.  

I didn’t know what to say, I think I nodded. I was caught off guard. I just wanted what he wanted and I didn’t know what else to do.   I mean, basically I was super sure everything was gonna be ok in my building, but wasn’t sure if people were coming into the building today… and I didn’t want anyone to feel scared or hurt. 

Ad I was walking home I was being a little less kind to myself, and I kept having this Ram Dass quote pop into my head - it’s from a video I used to watch every day before work, “you do what you do because your human  heart hurts…”   And then my mind would skip later in the video, “there is another part of me that is looking at the universe as it is, and saying “yes and this too.”

But I don’t think I could really stay with either of them. I watched the news and played games. 

It feels like there is an ache… I am sad. I don’t think I’ll cry tonight… I probably need to be less empathetic this week.