Harsh

 I’m not really trying to complain, but sometimes I’m really annoyed with when and how the grief hits.  

I had Stella for a week. One time I accidentally called her simba, but other than that it was fine. I mean, super annoying because she is really needy and she threw up all over my bed and floor yesterday and kept me up most of the nights (some of which Simba also did). But Tonight after I was in a rush to get her out, and stripped the bed of sheets and blankets to do laundry, and put on another set, suddenly all the grief.  Changing the fucking sheets. The silence of the apartment. The lack of living things. The chores that need to be done, but only for me. I dunno… it was heavy and sad.  It’s ok. I just wished it was over something deep or meaningful, not changing the sheets. 

I have been doing a lot better this week, but also sleeping way more… (can’t get anything done with the cat wanting attention). It’s been busier at work, which is probably a good thing. 

Yesterday I had an eye exam, nerve wracking. A nice woman cleaned and readjusted my current glasses. They were also super lovely, and I felt attended to… which I realized isn’t something I experience a lot. Maybe for a few minutes when I go to the same old restaurants. Maybe for 30 minutes by a Chinese person I can’t even see when I get a massage… but not really many other places. It was nice, but I had to rush out of there to make it to work. 

Credentialing paperwork is getting done. 

Lots of paperwork to do at home this weekend. 

Protest on Saturday maybe with Rachel. 

Next week the community Ed class starts again. 

The government is stupid. 

Saturday

I find my time and location becoming very routine. I sit in the same spots. I run the same errands. Traverse the same landscapes. 

Today it was wake up, sit in the same spot at the table, go to spy house, sit in the same spot, doing laundry like I do every weekend, sit in the same spot, go to the grocery store to buy the same things I buy every week, (I am trying a slightly different spot but with I was in bed).  I will probably continue this for the next few hours... same spots, same energy. Nothing new or different. 

Its not that I feel stuck, its just the same. I actually feel very optimistic and confident today -at least for now. Getting chores and errands done. Going to dinner and a play with my Mom later.  

Church tomorrow, maybe a protest, got a bunch of work to do... same old. 

Earlier this week I had a hard time "recovering" from that weird ecstatic state. I was drained and exhausted for much of Monday-Wednesday. I had busy days at work this week, and will again next week. I've taken on three new clients in the last month or so, and will have three intakes this week... so it feels very busy. No more sitting around watching the news and playing tetris while at work. 

It will be ok. When I leave, I'll have enough people to bring with me... that's the hope anyway. 

But as I said... sameness. home life is not that different. I am cat sitting and I find it a little annoying some of the time. The way the cat wakes me up... the way it won't leave me alone and always wants attention... but what else am I doing?  

I walked to Spyhouse today, and by the time it filled up, I was already annoyed with being there. I don't enjoy the coffeeshop scene as much as I used to, I guess?   Maybe that means I am happy at home. Maybe all along I was going to coffee shops because otherwise I was stuck in my one bedroom and lonely... Avoiding my roommates? Maybe I like my own company and have more than enough space to spread out now. I really do. And most of the time after eating, I go right into my room and sit or lay in bed. The couch is fine, but its less comfy... I guess. I am a creature of habit. 

Grief this week has been weird. On wednesday I watched severance season 2 (spoilers) and balled my eyes out when it came to the scene about the miscarriage. I missed E, and I missed what could have been, and I was so sad about what we experienced together (for much of the relationship). I found myself on the floor crying, telling myself "you're ok, its ok." and I knew that it was true. I knew it was true that it was ok to cry and be sad, and also that I would get through it and be ok. 

Today i was watching a tarot video and the lady was basically saying you needed to learn that lesson, now you'll recognize you can have what you want without having to sacrifice to please someone... will I learn that lesson?  Isn't there always compromise?   I thought I was compromising, but as I did dishes and listened to the tarot lady, it was really clear to me that by the end -thats not at all what it felt like. I felt like I was doing all the work... and being asked to sacrifice more. I know that wasn't intentional. I don't hold it against her, but I lost trust that we could have that all in relationship I was hoping for. 

It makes me sad though. On the radio, someone said "bride of 35 years..." and I thought, I'll probably never have that. I dunno, maybe that's poor thinking. I guess, I'd be in my 70s... 

I have a client who is experiencing decline -he is in his 60s. He has a son who just turned 18. He said to me yesterday, I know he is angry at me for being older, he wishes, and I wished that I would have been a younger parent.  -well... I will be in that position if I ever have a kid. 

I don't mean to make this a woe is me.  I think having more clients and being pressured a bit will get me out of my feelings of 'the end is near.'  The news is just awful.  It genuinely feels like our country is being gutted and twisted into something even more evil... and I guess I worry that we don't have the dreams to turn it back. Don't have the guts to hold people accountable to integrity. The system is so heavily weighed in their favor, that its bound to slide off into the deep end of yuck...

On a happier note.  I am moving forward with my business. I have good friends. I have things I am looking forward to. There is a lot of enjoyable stuff out there.  I might look into spiritual direction as the next training... I feel like its something I'd like to add to my website and say... hey, this can be something we talk about -and feel like I have the certification (even though it isn't a certifying area)...Another thing to add... I'll be a real existential therapist if only...

But I feel more confident in almost every area of life that I am currently managing. Life in all these areas feels content/positive?    Sure, I wish i was more creative and motivated to follow through, wish sometimes, that I was more involved in community. But at the same time, maybe I don't... Maybe I am an introvert and need to spend my time alone -or recovering from all the energy I expend. 

I dunno. The next thing? 

I wish I had an extra weekend day.  Next week is gonna be a lot of paperwork. 3 DAs!!!! But no perfectionism... that's the goal. Just do what ya can. 

Moments of truth

 Spyhouse on a Monday, the 24^th of March.  

Reading John Green write about sunsets. Wondering, why do I like this place so much? Where else would I be on a Monday afternoon that I had been meant to be working? Home alone scrolling on my phone?  At the lake? (but it’s a bit too cold)  I suppose I could go out to the Como Conservatory like I tell everyone else to do… or run errands… but I don’t really have any. 

I wasn’t expecting the day off. I was expecting a morning appointment, and an afternoon to book end, and a lot of time watching tarot videos and msnbc, and dillydallying around paperwork.  Tomorrow is a very busy day at work…

Today, I journal at a coffee shop. Sometimes I like the light, it doesn’t feel cramped here, it feels spacious, and open. Sometimes I like the people watching. Sometimes I dislike the chairs and the feel of the tables on my skin. I usually always enjoy the coffee. The noise level depends on my mood. Sometimes someone is speaking too loudly, or coughing, or fidgeting, or the music is too loud. Many of those things just started happening. It had been quiet, and I could hear my thoughts. I put in headphones, maybe that will help. I keep thinking I should buy noise canceling ones. 

 

Deep breath, get centered. 

I had all these things I wanted to journal about. Maybe a list would help.

 

·      Last night and the Krishna consciousness (as I am calling it). Perception at different levels.,

·      My fear and anxiety vs abundance, creativity, manifesting

·      Clarity

·      Dad at the lake, and selfishness

·      And of course the day to day…

 

What first?  I am not sure… maybe from the concrete to the multilevel…reverse order then. 

 

This week will be stressful with work. I have 7 appointments tomorrow, two intakes and my normal schedule. Wednesday is a little lighter, but then Thursday and Friday are basically booked up. I have therapy on Thursday I think. Its all fine, and even if it goes poorly or I am stressed I have nothing to worry about… it won’t impact anything except my level of creativity at night. I can watch severance and eat fast food instead of groceries and art… no biggie. 

 

Business wise… turned in the paperwork… starting to brainstorm around what to put on the website, looking into an EHR. I think it will work. 

 

Over the weekend I did all my household chores, saw Illy and did some art, saw both of my parents. Went to see a play at the Guthrie with my Mom, and it was amazing. A midsummer nights dream. Beautiful and vibrant. Charming and funny. Great music, great spectacle, great story telling. They made it really physical, so you could tell the storyline even if you didn’t understand every word. And Aimee one of the musicians from church was in it. Speaking of music, yesterday Chastity Brown played at church. She said she’d been attending for about 4 months with her wife. It was great. Actually kind of hard to focus on the sermon and everything else because I was taking in the music.   I guess, that is the day to day. 

Walking with my Dad. 

I really enjoy walking around the lake with my Dad, or going for walks with him. Generally, it is when we have our best conversations (since we don’t drive together much I guess). Sometimes we complain about stuff… yesterday he was complaining about Ali’s wedding and not having enough time or knowing how to prepare for the amount of people. Small things in the long run, it will go fine. But he was definitely feeling like he was responsible for all these things that he just didn’t really want to be responsible for. He made it sound like he had spoken up, but had later walked back his boundaries and was now resenting it. 

I was complaining about politics for much of it…

At some point in the middle of the walk, a woman walked by wearing stretch fitness pants, and he made a comment about how she was practically naked… and it was really uncomfortable. I think I felt like I wanted to argue, but also like he wanted to share the shadow self… the inner judgements and wanted me to be on his side. It felt yucky. I couldn’t care less what the lady wore, or rather, I support her in wearing what she wants and feel she shouldn’t be judged for it. Feel like she should be admired in whatever guise she shows up in… as all people should be. 

It was the same when he brought up George Floyd… sure he's not the most honorable man to have been martyred, but he became a martyr because he was representative of the need to respect human dignity regardless of circumstance… not blatantly ignore, judge, mistreat, oppress. It’s like there is some fundamental misalignment sometimes between this father of mine, and I. Its one thing to have a judgment and feel some guilt for it, its another to believe you are right, and better than someone else. Again… it just feels yucky sometimes. 

 

(I just noticed they were playing one of the versions of om namah Shivaya I listen to… so odd). 

 

So I was thinking about this the other day. How part of my healing path is to accept my shadow self, all the parts of me I have pushed away… tried to hide etc.  I was thinking about the differences between my selfishness and my Dad’s. I used to think selfishness was selfishness and always bad. Used to think it meant putting yourself above someone else, my needs matter more than yours, and you’ll have to deal with it.  This was the lesson I learned from my Father's actions so long ago... and it has haunted me. But I feel like at this point, my 41 yr old self, says no. I can have needs equal to yours. It doesn’t make me selfish or better to have my own needs or my petty wants. I don’t judge you for yours, so why should I judge myself for wanting my own peace of mind, or piece of the pie. I need to learn better how to put myself first, but not above. That’s my work to do. I think noticing the difference is helpful. Its like trusting the place form where it comes from is not bad, not shameful, not even guilty… On this level, I am learning and growing.

 

There is a certain amount of clarity coming to me lately… and I think its making it easier to act, and to pursue my goals. To experience life as it is, not the judgements I make of it. 

 

Some quotes/paraphrases from either tarot or online healers that have been resonating. 

“Clarity is not knowing what to do, its knowing yourself and being clear about it. From there you can act without fear, and know it will be ok.”

I think this is a helpful place to get to. To focus on the inner knowing of self, to be grounded, to be present, to feel fully myself… and then from there the world is full of possibility and I can just smile and step forward. No worries. No perfectionism. No judging self.

 

Need to remind myself of that.

 

Another, that has a lot to do with the last couple things I want to write about…

“You can always choose the level at which you experience a situation, what level, impacts how you experience it, even if the situation still happens.”

EG. You can laugh at a coup, or be horrified, or cry, or be indifferent.. But furthermore, you can see it from above, or below, you can see it as force to be worked with -ala jujitsu, or one to be met with equal force. Choose the level at which you wish to experience it, at which you feel capable… and then act in that.  But don’t forget its your choice, and that choice is always available.

 

Which brings me to the last two points. 

And right now I am feeling a little sleepy, and a little irritable with the amount of noise in here. The pushing away of distraction, or sensory input.  I came to the coffee shop hoping to meet someone, but this isn’t the type of energy I want to have if I met someone. Maybe I need to do some meditating on abundance… put the ideas I am dwelling on, into action. Maybe its time to head home and enjoy the silence of my home environment. 

I’ll probably do that and start again. 

 

 

(9pm)

The next part is like the opposite of how I have been feeling for much of today. I woke up in this space, but couldn’t maintain it. Maybe if I am lucky, I can get back there… but I just spent a few hours on my phone, took a nap, ate dinner, and then spent a few more hours on my phone because I am feeling so unmotivated and unproductive, and just like a waste of space right now... probably the food I have been eating. Donuts, don’t add energy.

 

Anyway… I am not sure how to bring this up since it is so far from where I am.   My whole thing about choosing the level you want to experience things at feels hard right now. Maybe a lack of energy, or feeling sick, or the temperature of the room makes that more difficult. Spoon theory after all. We can experience within the limits of what we can experience…

And last night, I felt limitless. 

 

I don’t really know why, but at a certain point in the night I was having a hard time getting to sleep, and I started brainstorming for the future, and started expanding my mind, further and further. Work, workshops, classes I’ve taught, lessons I’d like to impart, scientific ideas I’ve heard, spiritual ideas I’ve heard… trips I’ve taken in my mind, and in the real world… things coalesced, and I found myself considering these ideas of G-d and the universe, and everything seemed beautiful and expansive, and layered, but perfect. Like that Ram Dass video, everything was perfect, perfectly aligned within the way of things. Universes existing, times coexisting, life, the material… I felt like I was a smear of paint on G-d’s paint brush, brought to life amongst all the other smudges… sometimes the subject of a moment, sometimes a blotch in the background, but no matter what, totally part of the beauty of the universe. A testament to the creator, who creates in all moments, and creates to mirror back the parts of itself.  EG, what could a human mind fathom or perceive that isn’t A) verification to G-d’s omniscience, and B) pales in comparison… we create little objects, words and symbols, relationships and political systems, then throw them at one another, exchange them, negotiate, fight and squander… but in the vastness of this omniscience and this universe it means nothing… and yet everything. We puppets upon the strings dancing, playing our parts, holy regardless of their role. A member of a cast, a collection of atoms brought together to beautify the nothing, and make something…

And if we are breathed into by G-d, or we are reflections of her, in the whirl of creation and destruction, and creation again… then nothing is wrong, ever… nothing bad, no imperfections anywhere… suffering, pain, guilt, hurt, even hatred, just a note plucked in the symphony, dissonances performed to create a masterpiece… and our role… oh, are we vile for playing our brutal role?  The president, the warrior, the pirate, the flower, the peacemaker, the baker, the farmer, the starving, the prisoner… oh all good thingsAll living out their dollop of creation, none better or worse, just part of the perfection. And I am that.  At this level… oh the beauty and dance of the universe, and as without, so within, can you imagine the universe of microbes in our guts? In our blood? The electricity within our nervous system? The thought or image that flickers across my mind, is the same that flickers across the universe, all things connected, all vast, simple and complex. All the law of perfection…. What is a chair? A home, an assembly, a concept, a grave, a place to rest… so each of us. All things, grand and small, the micro is the macro. The blanket covering me, and the fan blowing particles across the room, like the sun blows helium across our solar system, and knocks out the wifi… like a galaxy swirling on the other side of the universe, like the swirling in the drain I just declogged of the filth I’ve shed. All perfection at all levels…. And in this vast creative space… this unending immaculate universe…

I wondered,  why do I choose to believe there are limits?

Why do I put limits on myself or anyone else? Why can’t I just marvel at the perfection of what ever occurs, laugh, smile, delight in the next breath, the next grunt, the next death?

I can be angry at Donald Trump for destroying the country I believed I lived in, or delight in the unmasking, and choose whether I want to heap new stone upon stone to build anew, or sit on the rubble and take in the stars and the starlink satelites when everything else fails. 

Nothing better or worse, starvation is just a certain set of pangs… but again, any choice, any timeline.  I often wonder, what makes a person make a choice I wouldn’t make. Why does this woman over here choose to start an only fans, or wear the stretch pants my Dad judges, while the next wears a burka? Why do I believe the limits of pickiness, of energy, of motivation… or sensory overwhelm?  Why not eat of the fruitsalad, aren’t all things from Krishna? As the man said. Any choice, any timeline, perfect. Sometimes some of the energy healers online will say, the angels, the ancestors, the guides want you to have whatever you desire as long as it doesn’t interfere with what you were put here to do, any timeline is as good as the next, you want to switch timelines, believe that you can. But they also say, you won’t be able to unless you firmly believe it, any doubt will send you back into the same cycle. If you are ready for the next thing, call out to the universe and the angels and the guides to bring it, where is my purple woman? (a reference to a video a guy made about DMT)… collectively we have chosen this, its what we believe we deserve, but there are infinite timelines where we have chosen differently, and each new choice, each real true free choice allows that shift. Why not grow like Hanuman and pace across the subcontinent? Why not shrink and dance inside the small intestine? Why not lay lazily like the lion in the grass, and later be feasted upon by the trillions.. I am the future soil, the future oil, the future rock flung across the galaxy, why not a moment of wealth, or lust, or chaos, or gluttony… and oh, of course for each choice there are consequences, natural, within the law. Why don’t I choose differently? The way I perceive and experience the law provides these consequences within this birth, within this role. Mine, might be different than yours, as Ram Dass says, I’m here, how did you get in that one? All different levels, all choices are available, but all within the law. So who do I call on?  

Some lady told me I need to invite in my Scandinavian deities (invest in the side of me that is unknown), and among them, Odin stands out, two ravens by his side, a blind eye, a hanged man, thrust upon the world tree wanting to see all. Choosing rather than being thrust into helplessness..

Not Jesus upon the cross, crying out Why have you forsaken me? (his role within the law), but a man who ties himself to it… give me this experience, I’ll sacrifice for it.  I am not Odin, but wonder if my desire to have crows near.. Huginn and Muninn, thought and memory… and what is it I do for a living? 

But this morning I found myself singing “take this cup away from me, for I don’t want to taste its poison…”  and considered Arjuna wishing the same. And inside the vast cosmic swirl within the charioteer’s mouth (another form of G-d) all the universe saying, you must perform your role regardless… we cannot have it any other way. Divine timing… all is choice, but only within the choices we have. 

 

I ask for guidance, hey universe, hey angels, ancestors, guides, aliens, whatever you all are… help me find my way home… my path, and let me be grateful, and let me not be afraid all the time…and let me find love… and let me know that you are holding all those I’ve loved, so that I don’t have to feel afraid for them, or responsible… and yet. What is my role?

 

Back to confusion. Forgetfulness. The vail. Back to worry.  Back to distrust…  

Its strange to have a glimpse of the way of things, to be one with all, and then fall out... again I am separate, discarded.  I thought maybe today would be the day that everything changes. It’s not over yet, but at some point, I went back into my habits… will again shortly. I won’t meditate tonight, I’ll probably feel sad and want to avoid it. Wide pain in the divide…

Grounded on this lesser plane, chalk full of insecurity, dullness, anxiety and conservation of energy… the material level. But this too is perfect, even if I am a worm in the very dry dirt.  I just have to remember, its but a flicker away, but I feel depleted… or lazy. Adam not extending his finger… and I guess,  I am that. 

 

 

 

masfgjhgasd dreams this week…

  

I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I get exhausted and want to go to bed early like 8 or 9. I lay in bed with a heat pad- its after dinner, and I don’t feel motivated to do all those things I am supposed to do to stay healthy, like exercise, or journal, or read, or do art, or talk to a friend. Instead I pull the blankets over me and scroll on my phone, fall asleep randomly. Wake up, brush my teeth, can’t get back to sleep until 11 or midnight. Then wake again at 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 6:20, 6:30, 7… today is Tuesday and I didn’t have any morning appointments. No reason to get out of bed… I was invested in my dreams which were not comforting. I don’t recall them. I just know that they were business, or logistics, or tension, and completely without warmth.

 

Last night I had a nightmare in which someone was in bed with me. I awoke and was scared there was someone in the apartment, a notion quickly dispelled. It was quiet. My own breathing probably woke me up. 

Is it stomach pain, back and hip pain, snoring? I don’t know. I should get a sleep study done. I probably haven’t slept through the night routinely in ages. Maybe I should take a sleeping pill, minimally zzzquil? Maybe I should take a sleep med instead of a caffeine pill in the morning? 

 

I woke up feeling not rested and not very motivated or hopeful. I had hoped to accomplish something bigger today since I have a bunch of time… maybe get an eye exam, buy a computer, turn in my paperwork  for the business(waiting on IRS), create the website. Maybe I will do that after this… or just read.  

 

I don’t have any clients until 3pm. Its nearing 11:30 am and I walked myself to the coffee shop. My muscles ache. Am I dehydrated? Yesterday I had two clients, and had to finish a DA between them. It took me hours, but I got basically everything done.  There isn’t much sense of urgency, I have time… I have too much time. 

 

Yesterday morning I felt more hopeful, felt like there were opportunities and I just needed to grasp them. Move forward regardless. By midday I was feeling like time was going too fast. Hard to slow down. By 6:30 last night I had already eaten dinner and watched the news, and I was just done...

 

I want to go see some Shakespeare at the Guthrie, but I don’t really want to invite any of my friends. I asked Dad, and he said the whole deaf thing would probably keep him from enjoying it. I am asking my Mom, but I assume she will be out of town. Maybe a brother?  The protest thing is still appealing, but it looks like the next big ones will be the end of the month. They are starting to do weekly protests at Tesla dealerships, and at the Capital. I think it would be good to get to the congress people’s offices… 

 

Politics-wise, Senator Schumer decided it was better to play into the hands of the Republicans and pretend things are normal than to fight. In the continuing resolution, there was even a power give away to the President authorizing him to create new special military groups…. Uh oh, I wonder how that will backfire?   Now the courts are preparing the battle – the White House defied orders regarding sending immigrants to El Salvador without due process. A judge literally told them to turn the planes around, and the said “uh, oh yeah… no.” This is probably gonna be the show down. It feels like the slide towards authoritarianism is already a slip n slide. 

It is obvious the democrats will not save us. We will have to save ourselves…  no certainty of the future. 

 

I think that has been one of the biggest barriers to my mindset about doing what is best for me…  I don’t know what is best for me. It feels like the structure that would support my small business could erode overnight and I’d be back to being a wage slave.  My mom says, who cares… if that’s the worst-case scenario, then its no biggie. That’s basically true, better to try and fail, then never try.  Waiting on that tax form. 

I think I wrote about this over the weekend, but again… If I get the business up and running, and then move in late summer/early fall… that’s a pretty big transformation right?  A Re-start to the 4^th decade. 

 

(There is a guy sitting like 10 feet away who is clearly sick and coughing a lot in my direction. Not a great feeling)

 

That was part of my midnight thoughts when I couldn’t get back to sleep after the nightmare. What if I did die?  What if I had cancer, an aneurysm or a sudden heart attack… how long would it take for anyone to notice… I was thinking best case scenario, 3-4 days, worst case a week?  My Dad has been pretty urgent in the past if I don’t get back to him within a day or two.  It’s the thing when I lived alone on Hennepin, and slipped in the tub. It’s like… could that have been a death sentence?  Sure. 

 

I’m thinking about my health, because it would make sense to get a check up and eye exam, and probably some dental work before I quit my job. Not saying I won’t have insurance but it might not be as good…?  Who knows. Do they still recommend colonoscopies at 40? 

 

Healthcare, is another thing I need to figure out. Same with EHRs and other stuff. What I have found is that decisions on those things take me 1-2 days. I get on one track, and then look into it, and then get disappointed, and then the next day I come back and make a decision. Which is fine. 

 

But am I living into a scarcity mindset… guided by fear again?  Yeah… I suppose I am. I am trying to set up a foundation, but maybe I need to find that foundation in my beliefs of self. Whatever comes, I can manage… but the ways of the world are strange and meandering and sometimes scary.  I have some money. I have family who are capable and will support me. I have friends. I have an education and a skill set and credentials. Why am I still so scared to take risks?

 

What is possible?  Why can’t I stay in the abundance, growth, positive mindset? 

I have been wondering whats up with my distraction/spirituality back and forth lately. Its like I know it is available to feel good and free, and hopeful… but instead I stay stuck, make excuses like, whats the harm in not being part of the world for a few more hours?  I can stay home in bed, I’m not hurting anyone by missing out on opportunities that aren’t guaranteed to get me anything.  –that might be the crux of the thing, I keep attending stuff and it feels good in the moment but doesn’t lead to a different outcome. I go back to some of the politics and organizing stuff, feels good in the moment, but I’ve been disappointed that it hasn’t felt more like a home or a community I want to invest in. 

 (moved away from the coughing guy, and feel better for the distance). 

 

When it is 6 pm on a weeknight, I have this tickling idea in the back of my mind that I am missing out on the opportunity to meet or be a part of something else by staying in bed. But how many times have I been to a coffee shop and never talked to anyone? Gone to a movie, or play, or event… joined a class, or a club, or a group… and it was ok. It was just ok. Nothing life changing. Maybe the weight of the lack has pushed the scale down… so I am taking less risks.

 

But what could change if I wanted it to? 

I could talk to people more,

I could go travel,

I could start a new project,

I could join something like book club or a meditation group, or a political org,

Take a class,

I could exercise or join a gym,

I could change my life completely, move, start a new career,

So many opportunities… and lately they just don’t feel very exciting.

 

I think about the spiritual stuff… its exciting in the moment, but I am not compelled all the time. I think I am fairly content with my current career… just waiting for the next step. 

It feels like that a lot. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. 

Then I am sure things will happen very quickly. 

 

Love?  Yesterday I spent too much time wondering if I should try to make more effort, make more room. I am 41 and set in my ways. I’ve had love in my life a handful of times… and it has come and gone. But the majority of time, I have been alone… and I am pretty used to myself. 

 

I also spent time thinking of Becky for some reason, her apartment on University… how it felt like she was living some adventurous life, couch surfers, getting in trouble, trying to get ahead. What a weird time of life. 

 

Maybe it’s the gray sky today. Maybe I am running into a new tower… that things do need to change drastically because I have to rebuild from a deeper place. The world is big and I am thinking too small today. I probably need to spend some time in nature, some time in prayer or meditation. 

 

Maybe shave my head and become a hare Krishna, -another thought I had in the middle of the night. I remember their leader telling an 18 yr old Michael… “once I realized all things come from Krishna I stopped being picky…”  what a statement of faith. To live there… to stay in that mindset. All things (not good and bad), all gifts, to be welcomed and accepted… why is this happening for me? 

 

Why is this period of waiting happening for me? 

 

Probably because the way is being created… a path opening up… something beyond my expectations of myself or of what is possible. Do I know what direction that will lead? No. 

I am trying to stay open… but I worry my mood is boggling it. Could I have success? Yes. Could I have life changing difficulties? Yes. Could both be gifts to my soul?  Sure… new ways to approach, or see, or feel, or breathe differently. 

 

I better go home and eat dinner… I feel like I am fighting the depression and one thing I have really come to recognize is that my mind and mood slip very easily whenI am hungry.  So… good bye for now. 

 

 

 

The next day March 19

3/19/3/19/25 

I had two dreams last night that left me feeling somewhat shaken when I woke up.

In the dream, just before I woke for the day… I was trying my best to follow through and prepare for a social event. It might have been a wedding, or a party, or a dance… but as I prepared, I realized I didn’t have the right clothes to fit in at the party. So, very last minute, I made the effort to run to the mall, run around stores, purchase a nice shirt and a tie, or maybe a suit. I wanted to make sure I didn’t stand out too much, not because that would have been bad, but because I wanted the focus to be on something other than me. I could perform the role, and have a good time, and not worry.

I woke up to an alarm. 

I went back to sleep and time had passed. This time, it seemed to be Lacey who I had gone to the event with. It was the following morning, and she was disappointed. Why?  It turns out we went to the dance, and everyone had a good time, but I was hindered by my anxiety… she described the particular way I held back critically -(very in line with my normal dance moves when I am just listening to something). She implied that rather than be part of the event like everyone else, I kept myself separate, and that therefor she couldn’t enjoy herself to the extent she wanted to. I was defensive, both personally, and sort of generally…  “really, everyone was dancing?”  I pictured them in the dream, a whole crowd where every individual is dancing (like in the movies) and I am the one wallflower sticking to myself. She said yes. I was the only one. I felt more defensive… I wondered why my being myself was such a hardship for her… and as she talked, I realized (somewhat of a lucidity in the dream -likely caused by the fact it was in between alarms) that I hadn’t had any direct memory of the experience. I told her this. I’m not there yet, I haven’t gotten to that part of the event. She seemed confused.

I realized I was trying to argue about something that I hadn’t experienced yet, and that I was planning on catching up in time with her.   Then the next alarm went off.

I woke up sort of crabby, feeling criticized and responsible for ruining someone else’s good time. This felt like a theme that I am all too familiar with. That something I do or say, or my way of enjoying something isn’t good enough. I was irritated, trying to defend myself, trying to think up ways that I could please… and also irritated that people who claim to love me don’t accept me, and instead point to my ways of being and criticize.

In the shower, I considered that this dream wasn’t about Lacey, or anyone else… it was a part of me saying to another part of me, why do you always let your anxiety hold you back?  Why can’t you just enjoy yourself, let go, be part of things that other people enjoy?   I am not sure I have an answer to that, but it felt like a call to wake up… In the shower I started questioning whether I should be on meds, even a PRN for social occasions.  Something to make it a little easier to let go, and not be uptight, and afraid. Something that makes it easier to act on my goals, and desires without muddling around for a few hours/days/months…

I decided that I need to take steps forward on the business, so I emailed the lady I was ready to drop off some paperwork…  even if I don’t fully feel ready. Need to get back into the motion, the forward momentum… it doesn’t have to be perfect, perfect is the enemy of good, and good enough…

But even now, I have been delaying most of the day. Feeling like I haven’t met my goals, or tried hard enough… feeling pressure to perform at a higher level… and part of me goes to that other voice… why do I have to perform for others? Why fit in?  Why am I not already enough… loveable in all my nervousness? Isn’t that good enough?

 

 

The other dream was probably more odd. I walked through a house or building, and snuck up on a woman I thought to be familiar. It felt like surprising a loved one… but then I realized she was not the person I had thought, but it didn’t seem to matter. She embraced me, and the new situation, she became a lover… and I had the odd reality of bringing her back to my bed, which I shared with E, and with some guy… (he never spoke and I don’t know who he is). E was obviously hurt, upset, but also played along… and at first it seemed like she was trying her best to be accommodating, welcoming, but bitterly. She had some sort of key to the woman, and she held it -like she had to deal with an animal she didn’t particularly like… kind of like “eewww take this away.”  And over time I realized her discomfort and asked her for the key. She gave me a look that simultaneously said something alone the lines of “really, you’re leaving me for her?” and also “thank god, I don’t really want to be responsible for this.” And I took the key and turned away from her…. Gradually she fell off the bed, distancing… until she wasn’t  quite present, even though she was. I turned my attention towards the new woman… and indulged in our love… I am still not sure what the other guy was doing there. 

I woke up feeling so mixed on this dream… it was probably the middle of the night, but it felt like I was falling in love with someone (positive), and also like I was losing someone I love (negative)… and I felt sad… I felt like I had betrayed someone I care for.

I am imagining, by light of day… that that is exactly how it will feel when I meet someone new. It was the same with Alexis and Becky. I felt like I was so excited to meet this new amazing person, and be charmed and swept up in it… but also I felt like I was losing someone I loved in the process. And I know that has already happened with E… and that it is ok. But I just have this feeling meeting someone new will be full of grief, bittersweet.

 

Today is a fairly cold, gray day. I an not feeling inspired to fall in love. I am feeling kind of heartbroken, but I don’t really want to cry. I have three more appointments tonight… and a desire to feel productive but for what and for whom? 

I took out salmon… the one meal E made consistently for us. I will probably be having grief for dinner.

 

 

Yesterday I was feeling like this too. Midway through the day I did a guided meditation, and fell in love with myself and this life. It was really heartening… part of the imagery was climbing through the world tree to go meet your future self… and I imagined this branch of my life with its twists and turns, its bumpy bits, its ever growing… imagined it not just as a single life, but the span of my soul as it grows, learns, returns to source, imagined that every little thing is happening for me, and not to me… and I was touched, and glowing and full of appreciation and joy.

But by last night I was in bed again, not necessarily feeling like I was headed anywhere...

Not feeling closer or connected. 

I sent the email.

I made plans for the weekend. 

I will follow through with some stuff. 

I will probably go connect with some coworkers after this…

But oh the bittersweet and melancholy eh?

The next morning March 20

I had this weird dream last night. It wasn’t upsetting but I’m finding it upsetting this morning. Maybe I

Shouldn’t. Maybe it was saying everything is gonna be ok. In the dream my family was on vacation, somewhere near mountains, a lake, hotel. Very briefly Pete and Kevin showed up. They’d just been for a walk, and I’m pretty sure they got high. I asked them a few questions and they didn’t really say anything, Kevin more so than Pete. And that’s odd because Kevin was always very talkative. I wanted to hang out with them, or have them come back and hang with my family, but they seemed reluctant to come with me, so I told them I’d meet up with them after checking in with my family. 

I went to my mom and Grant, and asked about how big the lake was, wanting to walk around it. They said it was an easy walk and I got ready. Then as I was nearing the lake, I felt worried about bugs, and worried that the sun would set before I got back. I looked for Pete and KJ, I don’t know if I found them. The dream continued with me walking around trying to find the things I needed throughout the hotel. But never making it to the lake, and even if I did connect with the boys, it didn’t seem like for very long. I was worried they were mad at me. 

When I woke up I remember KJ was dead. And it chained a bunch of thoughts together of why he wasn’t communicating in the dream. And then I wondered why Pete was with him… and then I started to worry. I don’t really want to say anything or cause alarm, but sometimes these types of things happen in dreams.  A death in a dream doesn’t have to be a death. Getting high in a dream doesn’t have to mean getting high… sunset and darkness around plans don’t mean the end of adventure… but it got me all teary eyes thinking about it. 

Everyone seemed fine in the dream. There wasn’t sadness or anger or hurt, other than my own. I think that’s what was weird about all the interactions, I was the only one that felt uncomfortable. 

Knock on wood everything is ok. Love to you all. 

The grief

 https://youtu.be/4q2Fmr5tPCs?feature=shared  

This is a good one for the grief. Feels so true, and you can picture all the little moments lost. 

Ok I’m gonna go to bed. 

Mid March

(This was started Saturday March 15th while at a coffee shop with Rachel) I’m craving something real. Restless for it. This morning I woke up and felt uninspired to do the things I need to do. It was supposed to rain, so I cancelled my plans with my Dad to go for a walk. It sprinkled, but a true rain never arrived. So I sat drinking coffee thinking about what I was supposed to do with my day. Spanish, taxes, work, business stuff… these things meant nothing but toil. Not worth the little effort I could muster intellectually. Stuff to put off. I did the dishes and became more restless, I brainstormed ideas for a junk journal. Gathered materials. Listened to some Led Zeppelin. But I couldn’t sit still, so when Rachel asked to meet at a coffee shop I jumped at the opportunity.

She delayed, so I shopped at the quarry (more art supplies), and listened to this new artist I found on Instagram, fairy like music. Madilyn Mai? 

I arrived at the destination and made another list of the same old things, but continued to feel restless, feel likes something was wrong, not quite as it should be. The day is gray and rainy, and it feels like something is supposed to happen, but will it?

I started reading a few chapters from the Anthropocene Reviewed, gosh I love his writing. The first was about bacteria and antibiotics. The second was about “academic decathlon” but was really about the people who love you and make you a better person. The subtle allusions to someone who had impacted his life so much. The subtle allusions to times and places that felt real, that felt memorable, worthwhile.  And then the recognition that time continues for better and worse. You can read in John Green’s writing his anxiety, and also his heart, and both come across so profoundly. I started crying. It was the mix of him talking about his time at boarding school, remembrances of looking for Alaska, Covid fear and uncertainty, isolation and connection to something larger.  A woman walked into the coffee shop and from a far looked cute to beautiful, and I imagined a relationship and a connection, and then felt like I was betraying E. And then had to go through the motions of reminding myself that the grief just is what it is… I don’t owe anything to her. And yet, it was odd.  Illy told me last night that E had said she missed me, and it brought another wave of that loyalty to a relationship months ago. Mostly simply, I remind myself, she didn’t even wish you happy birthday. You don’t owe anything to someone who doesn’t care… but knowing that she does, but can’t communicate makes it difficult. And still. I couldn’t move forward with my life, despite loving her, I didn’t feel like we were partnering in a way to make a future. She got her passport renewed only after we’d broken up. 2 years of me asking on and off, did nothing. 

Rachel says she is going to Vietnam in April for three weeks. I’m having a hard time imagining a trip.  My therapist says plan so you have something to look forward to. (Continued March 16th at night at home).   Rachel and I had a discussion about how I’m struggling to commit to things in the future because of the uncertainty of the moment. I’m trying to recreate foundations, and she was trying to remind me that when I travel I remind myself who I am.  She wanted to go camping sometime this summer… I’m having a hard time picturing the next few months without assuming they will be difficult and stressful.   

After all, my plan is to start a new business. Then find a new home and move. In between maybe a trip. Ali’s wedding. Who knows what will happen with the country. 

I went for a walk yesterday with dad (I was having a hard time motivating myself to do anything (same with today )) and I talked his ear off about the state of the world and politics. 

Today I went to church and it was good. Got Costco. Did a few things then laid in bed for several hours and fell asleep. Then did my taxes and made dinner. 2k+ there goes a pay check. Attempted to start a DA before the internet cut out. I’m considering taking more clients since my numbers are so low. 

This week?  I need to do an eye exam and probably get new glasses. I should probably get a check up. All these things before I lose my current insurance. 

Need to buy stuff for the business. 

Need to put things on the calendar so that time doesn’t just go by without anything to show. 

I’m happy to get my taxes done early for me. 

I’m struck by how often the grief has been hitting me lately. Even the idea of moving is now so sad… a few months ago I was ready to get out. Now Im sad about how this place has become mine… and still it’s missing something. 

The weekend was a tough one for grief. I think because now I have time on my hands and no major destination… or project. I’m trying to start my own little art projects and a business and occasionally some writing… but all these self directed things are so hard. 

At least with the protests (each weekend for the past month or so) and the open houses when I was looking for two months, I had outside dates and locations… something to fill the void. But I’m at home. And it’s quiet uptown (as the song goes). I miss her. I miss a lot of our life together. But more than that, I miss having a direction for my life something foundational and aspirational. 

I don’t really have that, and the ways I do have it now, feel misaligned. It’s nice that Rachel calls me out on my shit, but the agitation isn’t always wanted in that way. 

When I have family obligations, I can fulfill them, but I don’t have a partner to share it all with. 

When I’m honest about the last few months before we broke up, I didn’t feel like I had that then either. I keep going back to some of the hurtful things she said that eroded my trust in her… and it was like, where did the world we had developed together go?

I keep thinking I’m ready for the next chapter, but I’m not sure I’m ready for anything.  All the tarot videos were call outs this weekend…. Hey, do the thing you keep feeling you’re not ready for.. I’m not sure how. I’m not sure what I’m willing or able to change other than what I’m already doing. 

I did an intro session to spiritual direction the other day and it was really nice. But I’m not sure that’s my jam either. I mean, I loved being able to talk openly about faith. But I don’t think I’m

Ready to retool just yet. Maybe once I establish the business and move out of my apartment… maybe then the next chapter will be a new type of therapy or something? 

But I don’t know. In the mean time… it’s a lot of sitting around and waiting. 

weekly update I suppose

 

It's about 9 pm on the day of day light savings, which means its actually 8, but it feels later...

Today was kind of an odd day. I ate pizza and donuts for dinner yesterday and they of course fucked with my stomach all night, so i didn't sleep well. I forgot it was day light savings, so when I tried to wake up for the first church service I was exhausted and decided I would go to the 11 AM.  Then I didn't set an alarm but woke up a few times with time to spare, and they woke up at 10:30 still feeling tired, and decided I wouldn't make it. I stayed in bed on my phone till roughly noon. 

I had some strange dreams, the two I remember (now) were even more odd because they involved Luke... who might have been a stand in for steve... or someone, but regardless they were odd. Dreams are one of the reasons I enjoy sleeping in, but usually when I do, I feel braindead and have a headache all day.  In one, Luke was showing me how to hack someones phone and see all the things they get up to. I spent my time nervous, worried about being judged. In the other, he was showing a group of us how to fly. Which was weird. It basically required a handstand into a twisting bicycle kick, and suddenly like a helicopter one could lift themselves from the ground into the air... and I panicked... how do you control the jump/flying? I was so afraid that he would fly off forever, or worse come crashing to the ground... but he had full confidence and nothing happened. Luke, who once wanted to show off how to go over the top of the slide, but aimed his feet wrong and split his head open falling several feet, and me stuck not knowing what to do, helpless while he wailed.  Luke or my brother who turns 39 tomorrow, who float off and do reckless impulsive things, with full confidence, and sometimes I amazed and delighted for them... but I am stationed, stuck, panicking. 

I didn't go to church, and by 11:30 or 12:00 I was already feeling like I had wasted the day. I didn't have any motivation and hadn't been productive. By 1PM I decided I could at least get a few chores done before the family event. Dishes, garbage, some vacuuming. And paying attention outside my normal routine in this home always makes me think of E for some reason. I think because she often did more of the cleaning and organizing, it makes me wonder how often she cleaned the shower, or the floors without me even noticing. It makes me wonder what she is doing now, whether she is happy to be gone from this home that we once had together. It makes me sad to think of her sometimes, and how easy it was to nest, how comforting. Reminds me of the love I have for her. And also reminds me that I need to move on with my life. 

Around 2:40 after doing a few spanish lessons (which I have been slacking on), I sped to Minnetonka, listening to the Neighborhood Kids (a group I discovered through insta/tik too protest reels). 

I arrived and only Steve and Colleen were there. Eventually others arrived. It was nice out, but the kids of course jumped in the puddles and mud and we had to move inside. Lots of little ones playing. Mostly a good time, not really centered on Steve much. I don't know how he feels about that. In the beginning of the year its just birthday after birthday, so we see each other more. It was nice.  But also somewhat sensory overwhelm. 

I got home and did laundry, and checked my schedule for the week -which looks very light and doable. (only a couple of busy days).  I don't think I have anything planned. Maybe a walk with my Dad. Maybe I will find an afterwork protest to go to. Maybe get an oil change or something. 

On friday night I stayed in... talked to Illy. 

On Saturday morning I had breakfast with my mom, and then went to a protest with Rachel at Cedar Riverside. It was fun and enthusiastic. International Women's day, celebrated in an immigrant neighborhood. Lots of vitality. It felt really positive. It felt like spring had come. It felt like there was possibility and optimism. Even when the protest dragged and slowed down... it was awesome to see people again. To be around people in groups, to see beauty and art and humor and chanting. It was kind of like going to a concert, a moment of life, and then when I left... it felt a little like going back to something unnatural and alone. I played computer games all night and listened to podcasts. It was fun until it was boring. I miss having love and excitement and connection in my life.

Work has slowed down intentionally. I have basically been intentionally not taking on new clients. I don't honestly know how long it will take to get my business set up. It feels more like June by now... but I am trying to just accept that it will take time, and I can't rush it. I don't need to rush it, or feel stressed. There are real things to worry about. And there are better uses of my energy. I don't want to be lazy, but I also don't need to put undue pressure on myself. Let it come. When it comes, make it feel good. 

One of the podcasts I was listening to last night was Ram Dass talking to a crowd of folks who (it sounds like) were peace/anti-nuclear weapon activists. And they kept expecting him to feel the urgency they felt, and he kept wanting to make excuses or get out of it. But then even on the days or nights he would have made an excuse, sometimes he felt called to show up out of a desire to be around people or enjoy the weather or whatever... and he was basically saying, don't rush or push... just accept that there is a divine timing and you might not want to go and end up there anyway (if you're meant to), or you might want to go and end up missing your alarm (if you're meant to)... and its better to do so with acceptance and openness, than to do so with a sense of should.... and I think I want to work on that as I start this business. There is no timeline, except what I make of it. I have been delaying, maybe there was a reason for that. 

I am trying to be at peace with what comes... accept life as it is, rather than force it to be something it is not... hoping to do that if I ever date again, accept the person as they are, not their potential or what I hope to manipulate them into... it feels ugly and bad, I don't want to be controlling and judgy... I feel bad I have that impact on people. 

I guess that's it... I feel like there are a million things I could do... but if I am not doing them now, that doesn't mean I won't... Im just not there yet. The world moves forward with or without my orchestrating it, what beautiful music we make. 

Now I have to get the laundry, and probably go to bed.  We shall see what the world brings in the next week. 

Marzo

 Steve’s 39th next week. 

We celebrated Odin’s 1st yesterday. 

Overall it was a productive weekend but I felt pretty down for much of it. 

Friday way the day trump and Vance attacked Zelensky in the oval…

Saturday I went to another mirac March, met a coworker there, she gave me cardboard and a sharpie… it’s better to have a sign than no sign. On Saturday morning I helped Dad and miles build a little basketball thing at Home Depot, dad and I walked lake Harriet. Then the protest, then later in the evening I got groceries and scrapbook supplies at Rosedale. Sunday went to church, made smoothie, got a few things done and then went to Ali’s for the birthday party. Played catch and what not with the littles. It’s fun being the uncle. After I got Chinese and then later struggled to sleep. 

I felt lonely most of the weekend (as I am now). Something about doing stuff you want to do, but without someone to come home to. I had a nightmare about some folks, and woke up Sunday feeling kind of in drama. The weekend full of activities still reminded me I was alone, not making progress towards my goals, and kind of just sad. 

Today I had only two clients, so I woke up and did some business stuff, and looked up some things and planned an art project, and watched some tarot videos. I felt more hopeful and productive. Tonight I made dinner, did all the dishes, did some sketches for the art project and finished a bit of the scrapbook. 

 I suspect tomorrow (I have 4 clients), I will do the same. Maybe I’ll even work from home - A little bit of business, a little bit of art or creative, a little bit of work. 

Life is ultimately pretty good. But again… not sure where it is going.  

Vic told me she would call tonight, maybe she’ll give me some ideas. 

On Thursday I might go to a meeting for organizing… on Saturday breakfast with my mom. On Sunday celebrating Steve. 

Wednesday-Friday are busier with work this week… but hopefully it will go ok. 

I have things I need to get done and check off… so that I can move forward. The office is technically mine starting mid May. I kind of also want to go on a vacation though… maybe the business starts in June? 

There is time… I don’t even know why I am bugging out so much… nothing really matters.