The day before the day before break

 To clarify I still have to work tomorrow. 7 clients too… 

I have work I should be doing today, but I am not very motivated. It’s like kids before winter break at school.

I am hoping to get some things in order for the future over the break, like maybe find an office and begin the process of leaving my job. Or decide I want to do something completely different. 

I want to engage in some practices like meditation, or maybe reiki. And do art, and read and write, and sit around a bunch… I’m worried I will do nothing and sink into depression. So I’m trying to give myself hints like - sign up for a class, have a checklist of things to do… etc. 

today I made this observation while waiting for my first client: “I spend a great deal of my time just forward of my body, predicting, anticipating, reaching, willing my body into the space I had just been, but I am already moving forward again. 

What would be different if I remained in my body, in my smile, in my stomach and chest, rather than floating through others experiences? 
Rather than tracking and predicting where they are headed, or judging because they don’t move into the space my mind designed for them?
What if I just was, in my body, as they were, in their body?”

If that looks funny it’s because it was typed somewhere else and the paste is weird…

I’m not sure I’ve spent much time thinking about that, as for many years I disliked my body and didn’t want anything to do with it. Now I’m more at peace with it, more aware of it as a vessel, sometimes even enjoy it.  

There is something about inhabiting your own face and being conscious of it… 

This weekend I might go gift shopping, or might stay in depending on how cold it is.  Maybe spent three days gaming. Maybe take a bunch of gummies and exit this plane of existence for a bit. 

I feel like I’m waiting on a sign or a pull, the tarot video I watched today said something to the extent of “the universe is waiting on you to choose a path, and you think you’re waiting on it. But once you choose it will conspire for you -and you’re having a hard time trusting it will be worth it. It’s ok if you miss out; but just so you know, it’s all waiting for you…“

To be the chooser… that’s my goal over this break. To make some decisions. 

But I’ve been tired this week. My attention is variable at best. I’d like to make the decision with out the eeny meeny miny moe     (Which is how I decide most things still you know…). 

Anyway… now I can add journaling to my list of things I did today. 

Will I do work now?  Will I read? Will I scour the internet for dopamine?

Accomplishments

 It’s 8:07 pm on Sunday Dec 15th. I turn 41 in one month. It’s probably because I’m listening to Damien Rice, or because it’s Sunday and quiet, or because I was just sorting old cards and notes people have given me or some combo, but there are moments of grief and doubt, and longing. 

Something is missing.

I went to church this morning. It was a lovely service. The fire ritual service… passing the light. They read a version of “the lonely ember” story. It felt like another push for community. 

After the service I made a smoothie, and ate by the large window in the bedroom. watched snl and played some Tetris. Then went and got art supplies at Michael’s, spent too much. Then spent even more for a massage at the mall. 

Then came home, did some Spanish - Duolingo, my dad texted about a walk. Why not? Did some laundry, headed out, came back and did more laundry and then art for an hour.

I’m trying to get in the habit again of doing at least 3 lessons of Spanish or 15 minutes a day. Trying to exercise everyday. Trying to write/journal or do some art every day. Clean something or organize something. 

Life feels positive. 

But something is missing. 

I keep spending too much time on my phone, keep distracting myself till midnight, iltosha, or scrolling… keep waking up to the depression of winter, fighting it off,  making the day productive, then again, then again. 

Tonight my organizing consisted of putting all the Christmas cards with the past cards and notes. Brief glimpses of the past, of illy and nova and Becky and laurel and students and coworkers and family going back at least 30 years… all sorts of people who have loved me, and who I have loved.And it felt like so much that I put it all in a plastic bin and tucked it away to be explored another day. Too much love, too much grief. 

I made a choice with my art project and I’m not sure how to fix it… I think it’s the point in the art project where I ruin it, and have to just accept that this is what it is. I can start a new one with all my new art supplies. 

Probably need to start having company more frequently… who to invite to my hovel? 

I have ideas of a future but I’m trying to just invest in my day to day.  Today I did Spanish, exercised, journaled, did art, and maybe now I will read?  Or scroll. 

It’s all been done. 

A day early this time

 Not even sure what I want to say...

Listening to music I love tonight.  A little Jeremy Enigk, some Led Zeppelin, the Mars Volta.

The day started with some difficulty. I was up till 2 or 3 AM, and so waking up at 8 was a bit of a challenge. I had wanted to sleep in, it was supposed to be a winter storm today afterall. I'd imagined sipping tea or coffee, covered in blankets, staring out the window and reading. .. but plans had been made... and that's a good thing. 

Went to Crosby Farms with the old teaching crew (lizards). Walked the cold forest, staring at the naked giants, so many fallen, columns succumbed to the wind and the shifting sandy soil. We trekked around catching up, talking primarily of the present, afraid to talk about the future? Letting go of the past with the occasional reference and the recognition of the haziness of memories. Who can recall past brain fog? past the stress of the day, the darkness of the future. 

And yet, it felt so good. Smiles and laughter, and connection.  I love these people, will always love them. I am inspired by them even a decade later. Feel awkward in my distance and yet still connected.

A few months ago I was so sad, so traumatized by the past that I wondered how it would be to reconnect after so long, and what I found to be true was that I was inspired again, ready to leap off the next launch with them. More than any crew of people... I trust them to jump with me. Its' weird. We are so different and yet... I don't know. I need more of them in my life. 

I understand why I had to leave.  But now, a decade later... maybe I am ready for something like that again.  I've had love affairs, and other jobs, and I've seen more of the world, and lived more places, and... still, who do I trust? who do I look to?  In lizards...   Maybe its because we built community during a formative time. Maybe because we trauma bonded.  Maybe because they inspired me further down a path. Maybe because they believed in me, took me in, loved and respected me...

Aryn gave us a book, the newest by the author of braiding sweet grass. Its a short quick, and inspiring/validating piece. 100 or so pages easily read at a spy house afternoon as the sleet came down. The book was about a "gift economy" or rather, a circular, collaborative, community economy that works for all. Not built on scaricity, but abundance, based on the reality that all things are gifts of the earth, and nothing can be taken without consequence, so... if you take with the idea of giving back, only take enough, circulate the wealth etc... then we live aligned with the earth instead of creating our own destruction...  We could be part of the forest, the plains, the deserts, the ecosystems...

So I was thinking of that, and staring out the window at spyhouse on Nicollet and considered the age of the trees, some within 20 years I am sure. Others probably planted 50 years ago?  Who remembers? Were they small when the houses and buildings were built?  These are the trees they decorate with lights to add a little joy to the city in the winter... Who remembers?   The other day I was thinking about how sometimes in life we try to create a legacy with our name on it, while other times we are grateful to let go of what we have done or left undone.      and I was thinking of how someone planted these trees and created the sidewalks around them so as not to allow the roots to destroy the walking path, and put grates around them etc... and... no one remembers who this was... or when it happened... I am sure there are records. But one day there were trees planted, and 50 years or so they are so much a part of the landscape that who would recall?

Victoria said there was a guy who was buying up old golf courses and returning them to forest. What a legacy... and yet if all humans died, no one would know the difference... In a 100 years, if humans are around, will they recall the golf course, or just see a forest and assume it was always there?

In teaching, and in therapy, there are these recognitions that you can teach an amazing lesson, or share an amazing insight, but the truest and best insights/wisdom will always be when the student/client adapts it and sees it as their own... like when they take that knowledge and internalize it to the extent that it wasn't your lesson, it was always theirs... their bright idea.  The best teachers and therapists create the conditions under which the other has these insights  (so they say)...

And is it any different with the rest of life?   Wouldn't the best legacy be to do something that becomes so incorporated into the lifestyle, the environment etc, that it seems natural, seems like it has always existed and life without it seems impossible?

I watched a guy debating marxism vs capitalism, and the guy was convinced that marxism was manmade while capitalism was inherent... and it was like... wow, its so ingrained we can't even imagine that there was/is life without it.

But these rules are man made. These days are man made. 

Maybe the one thing Luigi did, was to shake us up and remind us that the rules only apply because we believe them. The billionaires have no 'right' to their stolen wealth, we've just allowed it. A breath of fresh air. 

Or maybe its just me sooooo set in my fixed beliefs. 

I was thinking about that this afternoon, how easy it is -given my privileges, given my intellectualizing and rationalizing, and my type 9 desire to see and accept, and get stuck with this. Whatever this is. I can wade through it, so I accept it. I endorse it. When... well its not real.

I need people in my life who can challenge me out of my bullshit. I need new energy and new environments, and new experiences, and whatever... to remind me. Hey you're stuck in bullshit -and yes it is very much part of my white male experience. 

But I am also stuck in my what should bes.... like I can't make a business or a whatever... because I am supposed to make it like ------.  When really, it can be whatever it needs to be, and likely that means changing and growing and adapting to whatever happens.

Today I was thinking, I should run groups... maybe a free workshop. Get all the clients together and have them learn from each other. Create some community in the process.

Art classes?  Theater classes? 

What am I doing really?  The role of therapist in our society is sooooo fake. I have all this knowledge of humans, but really... not sure what its worth, unless in some sort of exchange that feels like it respects the soul of each person. Am I doing that lately?   

I dunno.

My art project is almost done... I am not sure if I like the outcome. I'd probably do a few things different on the next one. Will there be a next one?

Will i go to the workshop hours tomorrow?

Church in the morning. 

The tarot videos tell me everything is gonna change soon.  They also say be calm and accept divine timing. 

I've been wondering (as always I suppose), if I did the right thing, if I fought hard enough. Why I felt ready to move on... still feel that way when I miss her so frequently, when I still adore her presence...

It just feels like it wasn't the right fit. Something continues to signal that to me now... 

I miss her, I miss Simba, and its soooo weird to not have him under foot or around each corner. I think it hits me like 10 times a day. The place feels empty. 

5 more days of work and then a week off.

How to spend that time?  Should I find an office space and start a business in the new year?  Maybe Feb or Mar? 

I don't think I will buy a house unless something leaps out now. But I think my mom was right, I needed to define for myself what I liked again. 

Need more community. What does that look like?

My apartment smells like sage

 My apartment. I’m trying to get used to it. No longer ours. Not the place where I made a home with E for two years. Like a divorce everyone tells me. As she was saying goodbye today, she said “we spent every day together for over two years” and it’s mostly true. We exchanged goodbyes and sentiments, part of one another even if we can’t be together.  It was a blessing. 

It felt healthy. Even though it sucked. Like in previous breakups I got sick to my stomach. I cried my eyes out. 

I helped her grab things and said goodbye to Simba, knowing it will probably be the last time I see him in person. 

He was scared and sad. It sucked. 

It felt healthier today though. It felt like we were honoring one another, not full of bitterness. She was very loving, even if she probably wanted me to change my mind. 

We had a miscommunication about the tv. I thought I was buying the little one from her, she assured me she was taking that one and leaving me the giant one. I thought it was hilarious because neither of us wanted the thing that people fight over. 

I’m really sad. 

I also feel like I really needed to move forward, so even though it hurt all weekend when she would text and say she was moving stuff, I was also like… fuck, this is important and good, it just fucking sucks…

I’m worried about her. she keeps reminding  me she is not my responsibility. How I lost track of that… 

In some ways I guess the reason it felt healthy is that it felt like she was acknowledging that I really needed this even if it wasn’t what she wanted. That she understood I also had lost myself and that she was saying she loved me enough to let me go too. 

I tried to clean and organize and blah blah blah. I still need to do more. This week feels daunting, even though the tarot videos assure me it will be a profound positive change. 

It’s so quiet. No Simba following me around from room to room. I need to play music more often, maybe start the rock tumbler for some white noise. 

It’s been a really hard weekend.  Saturday I went for a walk with Rachel as Illy and Elsa moved more of her stuff. Today I went to church, saw illy and then my dad, crammed stuff in and then saw Elsa. 

Afterwards, it’s just been a struggle. It was good to do all those things’ I feel very loved and supported by my friends and family. 

I had work I needed to get done (says who???). I have more than enough time to get it done tomorrow and Tuesday, I am just worried I won’t be able to concentrate. It’s been hard to not want to distract… but I told myself on Friday night I was gonna stop doing that so much. (It’s been really hard not to). I set some limits on games and social media on my phone but who knows… I guess I just want to invest in myself and also engage in things more and the phone in particular has been a major distraction. 

Last night I watched The Family Stone, and it sure felt sad… 

I don’t even know what to say anymore except, I want to move forward and love myself, and invest in things that feel reciprocal and supportive, and meaningful. 

I don’t know what that is, but I need to start daydreaming AND taking action steps… need to level up I guess. Whatever that means. 

Sunday ritual

Has this become a ritual? Me talking to myself on a Sunday night, right before work and the week cycle begins again?   Will anything change?

I am wrestling with grief again tonight.  I often have this desire to call my mom for reassurance, "Am I making a mistake?"   "Am I doing the right thing?"    because sometimes it doesn't feel like it. 

This week was of course E's birthday and thanksgiving celebrated at two households, and would have been a third.  I had a hard time not reaching out more to E on her birthday, not promising her something or buying something extravagant to say "see, I still love you!".... but not like that.  A familiar in my life... the old I love you like a friend thing, even though I love you more than my friends... but I can't handle that, so lets be ok with this.  

Of course E has made it clear she can't be friends with me.  Hence the drama in my head and heart tonight. She was over here today. I don't know what she expected. At a certain point it felt like we were tiptpoing and that she wanted to be more real. So we got real. 

And I broke her heart again. And now I am wondering as I linger with my own grief and broken heart, why I have to do this? Why can't I go back to the denial I had before...  

That was the only real thing said today.... she said you fell out of love with me, and I said yes, but I didn't know until recently. Because I didn't.  I find myself miserable but hoping and praying every day that it would get better, wanting and wishing to love her... but I just couldn't.  But I do love her... I'm just not in love anymore.  She is someone I deeply care about and want the world for... and I broke her heart and sent her home again to live with her family.   We had some disagreements about hope and what not, about trying, about what we want... but I mostly just feel so sad.

I journaled about this on paper already, but I had a dream about this last night. I knew this was the outcome of today, and wonder today, in the midst of it, why I was choking back my truth, not wanting to hurt her feelings again, even though I knew the outcome. But I sat there choking on it... it felt so mean to just be honest about not loving her the way she says she loves me... but that was the whole thing... our feelings aren't enough to make us compatible. We have different visions of the future. Different goals. And she couldn't adapt to meet my needs, and I couldn't adapt anymore to meet hers... and it was enough. She pushed. I allowed it. We split and have been for 2 months. 

So why am I so sad tonight?   Maybe because it feels even more permanent?  Maybe because I had to tear the bandaid off again?  Maybe because this is the whole thing we have been doing for 3 years only this time I didn't save her from it... or save myself from it by playing a role and likely forcing myself into denial.  I really do love this woman, I just can't seem to figure out how to make things work.

But I am still at the point of not knowing what is next, or what to do about it... trying to stay present but also allowing some distraction.  My dream of a hard conversation last night, was followed by a dream in which I flirted with someone new. She was thrilling and a little scary, and it didn't feel right, but it felt good.  She was not a soulmate, or at least the way we met did not warrant that idea.  But we decided in the dream that we would adventure together for a little while. 

But that isn't what I want.  

I want a reciprocal partner. I want community. I want a new feeling of purpose. I want a family. I want roots and an aisle seat so I can get up and stroll before the flight attendant brings their cart around. I want a lot of things, and I didn't see them happening with E after those fights. I felt like she tore the foundations apart or revealed them to be faulty... and then what?   

I want to move forward somehow. I don't know what that looks like. A house seems like a silly idea. 6-12 months in Asia seems silly. A business in which I am alone most of the time seems silly. A church in which most of the folks are old and white, seems silly.

And yet, I am grateful for my handful of friends, and my family that actually got along well over the holidays, and a new car, and a decent place to live, and her cat. I can't imagine how much worse it would be without her cat. Simba has been sooooooo helpful. But eventually he will also leave. 

She says she'll rent a truck next time and that will be the end. Like a threat.  Even though she is just being honest. She says its too hard.  I understand. I made myself essential in her life, and then she pushed me out the window, and now she is wondering why I don't want to fight for us.  

But it just hurts my heart. Because I don't want her to feel this way. And I don't want to feel this way. And neither of us deserve the pain of it... or maybe we do. But...

Its funny, she asked me how the grief was... and I told her I've spent so much of my life afraid of feelings, and causing feelings in others... and its silly.  And yet, 30 minutes later... there I was again. Feeling so afraid, and do devastated the rest of the day. 

I am trying to practice thinking or imagining a future. What would it look like to feel liberated. To feel motivated. To live into life, rather than be afraid or avoid it... rather than be defeated by it.  

Instead of seeing barriers, to see possibilities. 

Could I be an author?  A teacher? A guru? A therapist? A father? a partner? An activist? An organizer? A business owner?  A pastor? An artist? A world traveler  Could I make attachments with 5-10 more cats?  

Maybe I should make my goals that simple, a list of things I have already done, or know how to do easily... Then anything else is just bonus.  That's how it feels sometimes. Sometimes I feel like all of this is just bonus. I already lived several life times. I have hundreds of friends, kids, clients, coworkers, cousins, companions, cats,  their names all forgotten.  I am already a dementia patient, I have lived and lived, and died and died. 

This is bonus. There is so much to be grateful for. And I am often grateful, appreciative, warm hearted on the inside, slight smile to the world.  I find things to laugh at. Ways to be amused. Small joys. I am delighted frequently.  Surprised occasionally. Made small seldom, and more often only when I choose it. 

My life is a treat.  And I want to share it.  

But I am not sure who with... 

I don't reach out. I don't connect very often with others. I choose isolation 90% of the time. 

Sometimes when i am reviewing my life with E, I get mad at myself for being soooooo comfortable with making our lives smaller and smaller.  We spent evenings and weekends at home. And I loved it, because I loved her, and didn't really want to share her much with others. 

The codependency was big. 

So big that I still daydream about paying off her bills, and buying her a house.

I wanted to secretly give her something for her birthday. I didn't want her to know it was from me. Wanted her life to be easier. 

But we are different.

She took care of me in ways I didn't need, but it still felt nice. A tiny example -making sure I had hair binders and stuff. She bought some big presents like the wood block world map, and I still haven't even used them because I thought we would have a home together soon.

Now I don't even really want a house again... it was just a dream for a bit.

Maybe the real grief is hitting today and what I've been dealing with was just denial.

Maybe its winter and I am recognizing the cold, and my loneliness, and lack of exercise. 

It's 8:07, I am ready for bed... 

I had thought I would have my own business by now, and that Elsa would be working, and that we would be trying for a baby, and that maybe we'd move out to a suburb.

None of that is happening... December 2024.

I wonder what will be different in a month?  Or by my birthday? 41... 

I hope I can maintain, or get back to (cuz I don't have it right now), that whole chance at a healthier embrace idea.   That maybe this needed to happen so that we could find our right partners...

because I was killing her with my judgment and my wanting her to be more like me in the logistics/stability department... and she was killing me with the whole I need you to give more when I was already doing everything because she would barely leave the house without my initiating it...       instead of both of us just saying, we are too different and this isn't working for either of us but we love each other and that's why it sucks so much.

cuz it is what it is.

Hopefully I'll dream of something more positive for the future. And then make that a reality.

The more you stay the same

 I was just reading old posts from 2007 when i was in college... funny enough one of them was about a memory I recently was thinking a lot about... its funny how much of life I have completely forgotten...

anyway... I am the same little dude.  I really haven't changed much at all, still thinking and acting the same... still interested in the same things, still cautious and afraid. Its like 17 years ago... I can imagine if I could find any of my journals from high school it would be the same. 

Same dude this whole time. Cray right?

I wish I remembered everyone... or is it better to forget all these things I have forgotten?

Sending love to you

Another week

 

This morning in church, I tried to prepare myself in case there was one of those social meet and greet times. I did the rituals of church (they do a moment of breath, a moment of silence, etc.) but also some of my little coping skills. Imagine a moose standing behind you, no one is looking at you, they are looking at the moose. The moose is intimidating. The moose is awe inspiring. The moose is in your corner, and he has your back. What do you have to fear with this moose beside you?

I saw up a bit taller, my spine in line, my chakras aligned... I felt confident, I felt present.

I cried a bit during the prayers. My mind wandered a bit during the sermon. By the time the service was over I was ready to be out the door, I had a busy day didn't I? 

I got home and did the first part of a DA, time slowed down... I couldn't wait for lunch but it was only 11... I had a open house at 1:30ish... another at 2, another at 2:30.  My Mom and Dad reached out, but I told them I had a busy day and probably wouldn't be able to see them. I did some more work. I watched a few videos. The time ground to a halt.

I went out for lunch, feeling a little panicked, Illy got back to me while I was on the road... after the open houses... ok, then Ill see her, then I'll get home and finish my work... then I'll... 

Not enough time. I went to the first open house. It sucked. Then I went to KFC because the buffet would take too long. I went to the second open house, it was better, but am I just drawn to a lot of space for a decent price? Do I even want a house? I drove past the third... looked it up. This one looks good. Shit its only 2... I have 30 minutes to kill. I did spanish lessons in the park on duolingo, checked off another thing I was supposed to do. Good. Went to the last house. It was better. A few questions. Now what? I called Illy, she didn't sound like she was up for anything. 

Now what... I have the rest of the day to kill and its 2:45.

I went to Target. I bought pillows and a garbage can. I called my mom. I told her the last house looked better. Maybe I should buy it. Do I even want a house?

She said, it sounds like this whole project has been a way of grieving, of pulling away and figuring out what you want in a concrete way. Its true. I don't even know if I want a house. Maybe a change of location, of routines, but do I want  projects and hassles?  

She said she didn't really think I was gonna buy one, even though it wouldn't be bad if I did... She said I'm doing a good job of redefining myself. 

I watched Eat, Pray, Love last night and felt I was doing the same... I am doing good. I am sending love and light when my heart hurts or feels joy. When I have strong emotions I try not to fight them.  Just feel them, love them, send love and light to them. I am doing ok I thought at I watched this movie. -Like I am reclaiming myself and doing it in a healthy way... I cried the most during the part where she has to forgive herself that her ex husband still loves her and she has to go her own way anyway. It felt like truth. Like I need to remind myself that E and all the others can also love, want, heal, grieve, and that it will be ok. 

I thought of myself when I was in that position with M. So angry and hurt with her... "this isn't what I want" I said, and she didn't care. And E has said the same to me... and I probably seem heartless... but I don't want this anymore. Its not a good fit... but what is?  

What do I want? What do I want?

I have meaningful work, and friends, and family... and a decent place to stay... but what do I want? Where am I called to next? What do all these tarot videos keep hinting at (see I am deluding myself). 

My mom keeps telling me I am doing a good job of grieving, but I feel like I am getting more desperate for the next thing... before the loneliness sets in? before I lose hope to the world and the politics? before the winter zaps me of my will to get out of bed?   

I am doing all the things, taking care of my health (mostly), taking care of the home, taking care of the cat, the job, the new car, doing my spanish lessons, reading, journaling, meditating, but what is next?

Thursday night I was doing a little brainstorming and I realized I didn't really have a reason to take off a week during the holidays.  Thanksgiving will be the test version, but I imagine I will be lonely and bored. A week without a project? A thing to do... and I am sure I could find something to fill the time, or someone else could ask of my time, but will I feel like I am trading work for someone else's tasks?  

I need a project of my own. Switching to a new home isn't gonna happen in Dec. Maybe February? When of the business... july?  I could have done so many things. 

What do I want to do next? 

Art class this week was a good time. But it is a few hours of light heartedness... church is an hour... tasks and tasks, chores and chores... Because there was a football game last night at UMN it took an hour to get to Raising Canes and back, and despite the annoyance, I listened to Brandi Carlile and tried to enjoy myself. I realized when I got home that at least it killed an hour. That was something. I drove through parts of downtown I haven't seen in a bit. I sometimes go out of my way now because I don't have someone waiting at home for me.  I drove around Minneapolis Como neighborhood yesterday, never been. So much of the  world to see still.  

The travel bug has disappeared it seems. Maybe because my passport is in the mail... Maybe because I am trying to ground and root myself. 

Maybe this book (The Covenant of Water) I am about to read will give me the desire again.  

Not sure what I am doing... clearly. 

I don't feel like there is a shame to it, like there has been in the past, but there is a desire to not waste time. I am ready -I declare... but I suppose the last time I said that I went right back into the same karmic cycle?  Also, I am not really ready to break E's heart by falling in love with someone else... I dunno, am I?

But it would be nice to feel called.  I guess that's what I am looking for.  That shaman who pulls me from the crowd "where have you been?" 

I think I am boring the cat. He sleeps all day, and then when I

 am home, I am in bed... and sleeping. This is a bad pattern I am getting into again. This whole, being in bed all the time. Bad energy, stuck energy.  What would be different in a house?  I mean... I think of these places and wonder how often I would even enter these rooms I am checking...

What the fuck am I doing with my life.... kna mean?

The downtime

 It's Nov 17th, 2024. Its a Sunday night, right before a busy week, and then a half week with thanksgiving. 

This weekend I saw Rachel and Illy. I talked to my mom about a house. I spent a lot of time cuddling with the cat.

I visited about 6 open houses, and drove by a few others before realizing I didn't actually want to live in those neighborhoods, or the houses didn't look great.  2 houses in Columbia heights, 1 in St. Paul, 1 in Richfield, 1 in Golden Valley, 1 in North East.    The only one I really considered was the Golden Valley one, as the rest had something that stood out as needing fixing beyond my abilities.  It's odd with the Golden Valley one because again, do I want to live in the suburbs? It would have been a house to visit with E, and I realized that shortly after I left. -That this was a house I had few complaints about, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is what I am looking for.  It makes me sad. 

Rachel isn't convinced I even want a house.  We toured one of the Columbia Heights ones together and she pointed out all the things that would need to be fixed structurally. I mostly noticed the cosmetic stuff and wasn't impressed much. It was a helpful lesson as I continue to look for homes. As a single home owner, she is aware of how much work they are, as well as the financial responsibility... and she wonders if I am just trying to run away from my problems.  

I am. 

Beyond that, I am also thinking of how to diversify my savings. I have money in various stocks and bonds... but nothing that is real and appreciating in value. There is part of me that wants something to own, before the whole country goes to shit. But maybe that is just adding headaches when it might be better to be fluid. 

So running away AND investing/rooting myself.

What do I really want?   

I've been asking myself that all week. The urge to travel for 6 months seems to have passed, though I do want to travel at some point. The stupid mistakes I keep making on my passport are gonna settle that matter and keep me here till at least next year. 

I've been cleaning and organizing. It helped to have Illy come over, put some fire under me to address the things I hadn't been paying attention to. Once E takes all her stuff, the house will feel less empty, but not ungodly miserable like it might have -had I not bought a bunch of cheap furniture and grabbed things from the basement.  Its too much space for me, and a house -really of any size would be also. But like a true american consumer, I can fill space over time. 

She didn't come back this week like she had planned to. Probably got caught up in taking care of her niece and nephews, so there are collections around the apartment ready to be put into a storage once she has the chance. Not that she wants to.  And me, I go back and forth on quickly I want her to do this whole moving out thing... but that is my selfishness and desire for things to not have to change so drastically. 

They already have though... its been about 7 weeks since she moved out. There are times when I don't even notice... staying busy, having tasks, projects, goals, or distractions. There are other times when I notice very much... when she is around I burst into tears. When she isn't, sometimes I just notice the pang of sadness or grief, and I don't know what to do with it.  

I've started with the drama in my head. Making the arguments, the case for why we have to be broken up. I am aware that I am trying to justify something that I had previously felt was unjustified. I don't want to get back together because I don't want to be in a relationship in which I take on more and more responsibility because otherwise I would doubt its success. That's not a group project, that's me taking the lead.   But that is my side of the story. She has hers... and I want to write the narrative for both of us so that I am not the bad guy.

But that's not my right. Nor is it my responsibility.  I don't want to get back together. I am moving forward. It hurts my heart, and it breaks my heart to know I am hurting her... but I want a different life, and I am choosing that. End of story.    ----my mind is not so easily convinced. 

In the downtime, is when I realize the grief, or it swirls in... and I am sad, and lonely, and confused, and totally don't know a way forward. I feel kind of helpless despite being totally functional and doing all the things.

I am asking the universe and my spirit guides and the angels and saints, and G-d themselves... as well as myself. 

In therapy the other day I realized... you know, the reason I feel weird about it is because I don't want E to feel like I did when my Dad left us. That's it, pure and simple. I don't want her to be hurt by my "selfishness."  And yet, she is not a child. She is an adult. She is supposed to be my equal, my co-person. And this whole protecting her thing is part of how we got soooooo off base. I need to not act or believe this whole thing anymore. I am not selfish, or when I am...its because I am protecting the parts of me that can love and support others...   That's not what happened when I was a kid.

Probably need to re-read the adult children of emotionally immature parents again with this in mind.  

I just need  boundaries. and direction...

I am not running away, not rushing into anything, not running back to an ex, or over indulging in stuff.  Trying to find a healthy mature balance that sets me up for the next thing.

What is funny... is that I kind of developed a slight crush on one of the pastors at church today. 

Church feels good. I want to continue to go. That's one of my only YESes right now. Which feels odd. 

Work meh,  business meh, friends sure -maintain and build on what is there, family same... living situation  -getting by, direction?   no idea.

It will be hard when she takes the cat, but I'll probably get way better sleep, and I'll clean the floors really good... and probably find cat hair for months if not years... but  it will still be hard. He sleeps with me, stays in the same rooms with me, bugs me all the time... 

She got jealous sometimes of how much he liked me, and how much attention I gave him. It was kind of annoying. 

I don't know what I am saying anymore.... probably gonna watch a tarot video or something... they make me so much more optimistic than I am naturally.   Its like, sunlight and tarot videos, and church are my balms right now. Salves?  maybe...

Maybe I need to take acid or go on a religious retreat.  

I don't know... 

my anxiety is a lot higher than I think I am pretending... it spikes when I need to eat. I am doing a good job of reminding myself to take care of my self before I let it throw me completely off.