Mid-ish May

 It’s a Tuesday morning, it is raining (will be all week I guess). I am at spyhouse, there is something beautiful playing, but I don’t know the artist. Sounds a little like Haley Bonar (on some songs).

I’ve been mostly good, maybe a little down with the weather. I am not sure how I am actually, as I haven’t been doing a lot of journaling, and haven’t spent a lot of time analyzing myself the way I might normally. Instead distracting, or staying busy with productive stuff.

Over the weekend I bought furniture for the new office and got the key last week. It’s still weeks or months away, but starting to feel real. Slowly. 

I had a dream last night that I was laying in the lap of a friend, who was shirtless. People were talking about us, wondering if we had coupled up. I was wondering that too. I asked, if we were to date, would it ruin our friendship, and she replied, that’s why we have never dated or something to that extent. But I was in love and wanting more. 

In the light of day, or rather the gray and rainy gloom of a Tuesday, I am not even sure who this friend is - a mix of people and maybe some enhancements? But I wish I had that feeling again. New love mixed with comfort, mixed with lust, mixed with an “us against the world” feeling. 

It’s gonna be a long day at work, 7 clients, late night. I’m already thinking I might as well get fast food after. 

The day will be gone by the time I am done here, is all I mean.  Lately sometimes that’s how work feels, not a part of life, but the thing I do between life. Which is a reversal of how I spend my energy most of the time.

I think it’s because I want to move forward into something new, and feel held back. Like the perpetual waiting game. And a 9 hour work day is certainly a barrier to life. That itself is one of the things I’m looking forward to being different, my time will be mine. The effort will have direct pay off, and if I want to go to work or stay home, either way I get to decide. And if I want to run errands, or have a few hours off, I don’t have to feel beholden to someone else’s policies to stay within compliance. 

I suppose that is also a fear, the structure and routine and isolation will all be mine to figure out. I’ve been to the office twice and both days it seemed quiet. No one walking around, no doors open. I am looking for collective vibes, not cloister vibes. And what if I can’t find that? Then I’ll need to create my own new environment. 

Join more classes maybe. Do some networking which I’m afraid of doing too early, because right now I can’t run out for lunch easily, but maybe in July?

It feels like July is when I will be opening. Maybe August even… but who knows. 

My mom has told me she’ll pay for a vacation with her. I should take her up, but who wants to travel in the gross heat of summer? 

My health is ok. I can tell I am struggling in certain areas. My shoulder and left arm, fucked up some sort of nerve.not sure how to help that heal, but it might be time I go to the doctor. My stomach… for awhile it was doing better, but I ate a hell of a lot of sugar last night. Not sure why either, just kept eating. 

I’ve been trying to walk more, trying to get sunlight when I can. But I am not exercising or walking or anything. Gonna get air/stand desk, but will that help? Or will I leave it in the sit position all the time…

Self fulfilling prophecy. 

Last week in therapy I considered briefly whether I should be on anxiety meds to take the day to day edge off. I decided no, after the session, but in session she challenged me on why I think I need the overthinking… good question?

E and I talked and walked over the weekend. Similarly, noticing parts of self.  It’s been a bit difficult to reconcile just how easy it is to hang with her, and the recognition that I had come to in the past - that that isn’t enough.  It’s a little like dating. But also, we spend at least half the time talking about the past. I am inspired by the work she is doing for herself. It brings me hope, but also I dunno. Weird to feel some comfortable,  and still want more. Maybe I’m greedy. Maybe I’ve been downplaying my needs?

I’m trying to practice honesty without attaching to the impacts. Speak my truth, you know?

Speaking of truth, I’ll probably get to reading in a moment. Started a new book, and rereading some Khalil Gibran, I forgot how much that book resonates with me. In some ways, it feels like I’ve been growing into it, like it’s been guiding me. I am amazed by how brilliant it is. How it feels beyond wise - transcendent to me.  If I could hold it… 

But for now in this life, a little bite at a time. A hunger. A satiation, a turning toward and away. 

I need to stop believing to need to be something other than what i am. Sometimes I’m there. Sometimes, I am there on one level and not another. 

 

Tuesday night.

 

I dont know whats up with me... last night I went to bed earlyish... tonight I am ready for bed after this. Probably sit on my phone trying to drown it out.  

Today was an odd day. I woke up and went to get coffee and did some reading. I felt positive about the day ahead. Then after my second client, I just felt off. Felt like I couldn't get grounded... something was wrong, and it was easy to blame me and wonder what I should be doing differently. Ate lunch, did some work, decided I needed to journal. It was helpful, but then I had some more clients... I felt like I was as grounded as I could be, but I knew something was wrong. 

One of my clients was really struggling, the other not so much... I had another hour break inbetween clients and tried to get paperwork done, and again I felt off...

Felt like life wasn't very real. Thats what it felt like throughout the day, like no matter what you do, or how you participate, this isn't all that real. Tragic things happen... and the consequences feel real... but is there anything you can do about it? Predictable things happen, and despite knowing better, we don't or can't stop them. All the advice in the world. All the knowledge. All the best intentions. None of it matters all that much in the grand scheme of things... something is wrong. 

I found out shortly before my last appointment of the night, that India and Pakistan were bombing each other. Not sure yet if this is a full scale war, or a tit for tat thing... but the idea of the hundreds of millions going to war with one another seems incredibly scary. 

I am still feeling the unreal thing. I drove to get food, ate the food, watched a bunch of youtube and distracted myself... but it feels like I am swimming in unreality a little bit. 

A little detached from reality, and yet the feeling brings up anxiety, dread almost... something feels very wrong. I am not sure what to say about it.

I am hoping it goes away. I don't like the feeling at all.  I know there are things I can concentrate on to some extent and that makes it seem less big... but I feel a little unmoored, despite the gravity in the room. 

Makes me want to cry... like someone I love is dying or has died, and the wave of it just hasn't hit me yet. But I am too afraid to find out or do anything different. 

I've had this feeling in the past when I couldn't stop overthinking, or in the middle of the night when I haven't slept enough... or I dunno... but I kind of just want to hide from the pain of it all. Its like dread and the matrix together. 

I dunno... just needed to say it out loud. 

Cant even think much

 

It is Saturday. I am feeling kind of emotionally or physically drained, but not necessarily in a bad way. I hung out with E for like 4.5 hours today. We talked about the past, and the present, and tried to skip planning any kind of future, while saying what we were up for... given our current situation. 

It was the weirdest mix of feelings... I cried a lot, I was relieved. I was comforted. I was reminded I love this person... but also reminded I am not in love with this person. 

It was so odd to feel on the same page again to whatever extent we can be. To have both come to relatively the same conclusions despite spending months apart and not talking. To both be claiming a better place in our lives. I am still worried about her, and I am worried that I will somehow lead her on... but it felt so weird to be near her, it was just so fucking comfortingly familiar. It was having a best friend hanging in my car, out for a walk, eating lunch. It was so easy even though we talked about difficult things. It made me wonder why I wanted to leave. Made me wonder why she wasn't coming home. And then there was also that...

The reality of how our lives are separate now, how much has changed on her end, her family, even Simba not immediately recognizing me, and me not immediately recognizing him. 

There were things that made it feel like an alternate universe, despite the ease of the connection. We walked around her neighborhood. I saw her room. Everything was different. 

My heart let go of a lot of its hurt and its confusion... but it didn't necessarily want to grasp or cling. I am not sure if she did. 

So even though I was crying and confused, and comforted- I also left feeling like... ok, that was closure in a sense. Now whatever new chapter is a new one. 

And now I am back at our home... and its mine. And I am going about my life again, and its fine, not great, not terrible.  I want to be productive, but I don't have it in me. I am doing laundry. I am maybe gonna go to a movie if I can stay awake. 

I have church in the morning, and maybe a coffee chat with folks, and maybe the mayday parade, or maybe just going to Dads for his birthday in the afternoon. And its all ok. It doesn't feel captivating right now, because I am spent... but its ok. 

I don't feel like I am heading towards anything... that part wasn't returned. And its tempting to throw my weight back into it. I could drive up there twice a week. I could get to know her family again. I could  blah blah blah... but I am not sure I want to... I mean I do want to but not the same way.  I don't want to have the life we had when I know it isn't leading to the thing that I had dreamed it would. 

And even though we are both in better places, I don't think a lot of those underlying differences have changed in a way that would make it work. I want to be her friend, I want to have her in my life again. But I don't know what that looks like. And maybe I am still really heartbroken that it didn't work out the first time. Sad for me, I guess. 

Yesterday I had therapy, and went to Costco and tried to do some business stuff. 

Thursday I went to a protest, and the coffee shop and a walk. 

None of it has been as productive as I'd hoped for in terms of the goals I had for these 4 days... but all of it has been really good. Like... I am very appreciative of this life  and the people I've been able to share it with. Whatever the next chapters are... it'd be nice to know what that is... but like... I am grateful. 

Day by day

Having a hard time focusing or wanting to be at work today. It’s a mix of things. But it’s making me feel kind of yucky in general and I’m anxious about not attending to stuff. Always feel like I’m falling behind. 

So some of the things: 

E having surgery

Feeling like I fucked up on paperwork

The business continually getting delayed and feeling like I’m behind and it will cost me 

Having a different project I’m kind of invested in

Not really wanting to be social right now… maybe some compassion fatigue and boredom 

A new (old) game that’s fun 

Allergies, headache, arm pain, not getting enough sleep 

I’ve had two clients today so far, and it was fine with both. I have three more this afternoon, it will be fine. But I don’t like the feeling when I’m not invested in my job or what I am doing. Every job has parts that suck, but when the thing that is usually fun and fulfilling feels dumb… that’s the problem. 

I’m not sure what that means. I kind of decided I was gonna do the spiritual direction training at some point but I’m not feeling very spiritual right now either… or I am, but I also feel disconnected. 

Maybe I want to teach again in some way. The other project is basically a video series about how I am thinking about the current crisis,  I did hours of work on Monday. I screwed up and need to redo it, but unlike the screw ups here, the idea of fixing and making that project better isn’t draining to me. At least the idea of it. So that means something right? Maybe that I need to teach workshops or do something other than sit one on one and talk with people all day. 

I have a bunch of family stuff happening this weekend. Seeing gabi at class tonight and illy for dinner tomorrow. 

I feel like I need another day off, and won’t get one till May. 

Thoughts

 Not sure where this goes, if I had a journal I liked, it would go there but I am using a bunch of random ones and none of them feel right. So it goes here. 

I was walking the lake this morning, it is earth day and only later did I realize how many people were out doing clean up, plastic buckets, plastic grabbers, plastic gloves, to clean up plastic from the lake. 

I’d only had one cup of coffee and a migraine pill, my mind wasn’t quite awake. It settled into song and a taste of drama. I noticed the blue of the water contrasting with the yellow of branches, the slight new greens of the buds, or red berries. It was beautiful.  I started to laugh at my little nibble of drama, imagined every passer by was doing the same. All of us with chewing gum of relationship conflict and power dynamics…uncertainty and questions. 

It made me laugh. 

The breeze was out, and I wondered how many times I’d been nourished or frozen still by it. How little I remember, at 41, my middle aged self- how much have I forgotten… of course there are some memories to recall,  the easy ones, trudging through the Morris winters, but how many times while walking from car to house, to job, to a friends house, to the coffee shop, on this very lake?

How we forget. What else have I forgotten I wondered, what else am I not noticing? I started trying to take other perspectives… 

As I noticed things, I considered what I would tell a person who has lost their sight. There are robins on the ground, geese and ducks in the water, there are song birds overhead, that tree’s branches rise up to the sky, they are orange and without leaves - so that collectively it looks like the flame of a candle against the blue sky behind it, gradually my observations began to change, to become story like,  there is a mother tree, she’s on her 51st sprouting, she’s tired, but can’t imagine stopping anytime soon. There is a weeping willow, it’s been growing  slowly and for so long, it loves the fresh breeze which allows it to feel close to others, to remember it’s not so alone, it’s long strands brushing casually against a myriad of others. There is a grandfather tree, with three granchildren planted near it, they wrestle and toy about, but it stands wise with age. There are two geese who spent the winter in Alabama, normally they’d go further south, but this year was too hot, and they rested with the old  retired folks, in the pools of the snowbirds. There is a bench made of old planks that still remember Canada, they were torn, and shiver now stripped of their clothes, lacquered… and held in place by cement pulverized mountains, stones from Georgia, and the lake beds of Michigan. They remember… not consciously, but they have a feeling of their old lives…

Like those plastic garbage and recycling bins remember the millions of years they spent resting in a pool of themselves, slick oil sludge, locked in the ground, complacent… and then one day unsettled, shook free, and on a wild ride, pulled to the surface, scoured, molded, made anew… they remember being the dirt, being grass, being dinosaurs and now they eat the waste we throw at them.  

I walked around imagining the drops of water in the lake, but first each little wave, unable to fathom such a multitude, their journey from rain, to stream, to lake, to drinking water, to sweat and blood, to release, to thunderous storms… 

Each drop a human with their own drama, their own story, their own painstaking journey, Arjuna fretting over his horror that he must slay his own kin, and how old is this story? a drop drowning out another drop, a thousand of us merged with a thousand of them… and in the swirl, oh…

The lake scum, releasing its gas, like the new planet light years from here, where there could be life doing the same… how many trillions?

I don’t remember… but some part of me knows that my veins mimic the lines the tree branches and roots grow in, and that the same breath I release fuels them the way they give back to me… and that we were both forged of the sun, where hydrogen merged with hydrogen, growing more complex until it created the stones, and the soil and the lake scum, and the bacteria in my sweat, and the bark of the tree, the law multiplying and growing more complex but always- and that Buddha says the mountain has not been worn away… so how many millions of lives will take place before we remember that we were, will be, are, constant. 

I am that. 

And I smile as I walk by people at the lake, and they smile back, and there is a secret between us that neither of us can fathom at that moment. That we are.  

I walk further down the path and remember that I am the bird swooping, and the willow swinging, and the dog panting, and the cloud floating by… that I’ve been and will be and it’s very comforting to know that all is, and was, and that my drama is part of it, but also so inconsequential… and I can just love. Love the cold, and love the pain in my foot, and love the sadness in my heart, and love the runner racing by…

And then because I’m not on my last swipe… I grow hungry, and start to plan my day, and I am lost in my guise again. And that too, is part of it. 

Dreams and reconciliation

 I should probably say – my mind isn’t entirely present… and I am listening to an old recording of Ram Dass.

 

Should I start with Saturday night? Or last night?

Saturday… well, Saturday I woke up with the beginnings of a migraine, but tried to reduce the pain with some caffeine and headache meds… I went to Spyhouse and spent about 45 minutes but couldn’t concentrate after awhile and my irritation at the sounds, and people near me… I had to get out.

I took more headache meds when I got home.

I met up with Rachel for a walk, and it was nice.

I met up will Illy, we walked and it was nice.

Pete sent a text that he had his third child.

I can’t remember if I wrote that night or what… but I don’t remember being very productive Saturday night. But I was in my dreams

I only remember two concrete ones.

In the first one, I was walking around the middle school. I was a student, even though I was 41 years old. I was an adult trying to make up a credit or whatever the little situation was. I had to reenroll, and take the full amount of classes, and pretend like I cared, and go through all the motions of stupid assignments and being a student again. And that was the thing that was frustrating to me. I was the student, and each adult I interacted with didn’t recognize my experience, my age, my wisdom, my strengths… I was a pesky student to them and they were dismissive. I caught these glances of irritation with me. And I was irritated right back, but couldn’t do anything about it… they had the power.  And then for some reason I was in this gym class, but staring out into the jungle. And it was dark in the jungle, and light in the gym… and in the darkness I saw movement, and before anyone else knew that there was something attacking us, and I ran for the light of the gym, but knowing I would not make it, turned around to grab the jaguar and hold his teeth and claws away from me. Hold him down… and realized, hes not so big. And another was coming slowly behind… and the gym teacher yelled out something about me finding them, and in his casualness I knew they were his pets. Dangerous pets, but used to humans.  And the fear passed… but what else could I do.

 

In the second dream, we lived in this house that was like a hoarder’s house. It was awful and gross, and the landlord was highly controlling and wouldn’t allow us to make changes. I was dealing with this. I was dealing with all these mucky stacks of stuff, and wanting to leave, but not quite prepared to. I knew Rachel wanted to, and I knew she was relying on me leaving too. But when she came to me with her bags packed, ready to go, I had to tell her no. I am not ready, I will carry on with the commitment I made. And she was hurt, felt rejected, and even more, angry at me for not pulling myself away from the chaos. As she left, I was staring at the messy stacks and questioning myself. Wondering why I do it. Feeling super guilty about betraying and letting my friend down, but justifying it to myself. Justifying that my path was different.

 

I had to drag myself out of bed, but I made it to church. It was a good service, and I cried, and felt my mind racing with creative thoughts… and then on the way out the door I saw S and J the two women I once tried to help conceive. And rather than say hi, I froze in place. I realized I had all this fear/drama/grief/trauma/guilt/shame… and I didn’t know what to say.

And when I got home from church I took a nap… and when I woke up I wrote to them, to tell them what happened, and that I’d been struggling with the way I ended things over a decade ago… and that I was happy to see them at church, but wasn’t sure if they could forgive me. And S wrote me later in the night and said, you have it all wrong. Im sorry you’ve been holding on to this for so long alone, and it wasn’t your fault, and it was all ok…

And I cried my eyes out.

She wrote me again today. And I haven’t yet responded… but I will.

After crying my eyes out about holding onto all this guilt and shame for so long… I took stock in the other major regrets I’ve been holding onto. I googled Chris multiple times, trying to find out if he is ok. I didn’t get answers.

I felt drained last night, but struggled to sleep. My mind was determined to keep slogging through things, but it didn’t feel helpful. The heat had made my apartment too warm… I tossed and turned all night.

At some point last night, I had a dream that I met up with Chris. We were on some sort of reservation land or museum or something… it was not an environment either of us were comfortable with, but we began talking, and he was angry with me, but more so with feeling helpless and lost… and I was just another person in a list that had turned their backs when what he needed was a hug. I understood, and tried to apologize, but I also stood my ground. I didn’t want to subvert my experience to his… it was more like how I had done stuff with S and J, I wanted to say this was my experience, and I am sick of it… so I am telling you about it, accept it or not… and they were welcoming.

The dream was harsher with Chris… but I didn’t feel bad. It felt like my mind was doing the processing it needed to do. Maybe it was connecting in the ether… maybe its all connected.

I woke up today thinking that I would feel better. I thought I would feel relieved as I had last night, but instead I spent most of the day feeling anxious, and worrying I had done something wrong, wronged someone, hurt them, and would be in trouble soon. I had to take some breaks to center myself. I had to take some times to remind myself that I am not responsible for other people’s behaviors or choices…

The day turned out just fine. It was full of super heavy topics, and I still feel drained. But it was good.
Tomorrow will also be super busy.

I took Wednesday morning off… not sure why, but I did. Thursday and Friday will be average days.   This weekend is Easter.

 

I dunno… I am trying to do some stuff right now to be grounded, connected to spirit, grateful etc… and I dunno. Maybe this is the time when I feel a little disconnected.

Weird feelings

 I kind of went over this with my mom an hour ago, but since I’m waiting for my game to load…

Today was odd. Work wise, I had a client transfer to another provider, and felt embarrassed like I’d been too much, made it about me, or wasn’t listening to the client enough. Then another client asked me for a legal letter or something that I wasn’t quite feeling was ethical, and it felt a little manipulative when he flattered me later in the session. The rest of the day was fine, except feeling helpless and wanting to rescue people… and that thought might have come up because E put things on a phone calendar and I noticed she had a bunch of upcoming medical appointments, which flung me back into worrying-care taking mode in my heart… and I know I don’t need to do anything, but I’m sad. Whereas other times in the week I was really angry at her… but now I’m empathetic again and wish I could do more because I feel helpless to support folks in their suffering/taking care of themselves - which was the theme of yesterdays therapy appointment, where I described dreams and feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, but also felt more confident in not jumping in - so I suppose this is a test or something - a

“ha, you think you’re over it? I’ll show you.”

And then at the end of the day I found out the company doing my credential stuff hadn’t been doing it all week (like I worries) because the email I sent them last week didn’t go through… or maybe I forgot to hit send or something… so I felt stupid. 

And today we a hard day… almost all of my clients are facing things outside of their control that are hurting them, and I can’t do shit about any of it, other than ask them if they can muster the courage to do something about it themselves and either confirm their worst fear or potentially be rewarded but there is no guarantee and the consequences would be dire if it doesn’t go well. 

And I think the thing that’s bothering me is that I know… I know that the feeling I tapped into earlier this week is true. That I actually did know best, that I actually understood, that I actually felt the reality of the universe and it was all ok… but today all the downsides showed up.. or some of them did, and I flinched… or got scared… because I’m not above it. I am of it. Even if I tap into the beauty of the universe, it doesn’t save me from the awful. 

And it’s sad. It’s heartbreaking to witness the suffering and experience it yourself.   My human heart cries.