Holiday weekend

 

It was a good 4-day weekend. Time spent with family and E. Got to see Simba though it sometimes feels like he doesn't remember me anymore. Saw her new place. Not sure what the deal is there, but I am glad she has some distance from family and is in a safe and comfy spot. We walked 9 mile creek in the snow and then went to an Osaka that is now called Samurai, and both decided that Benihana is much better. 

I spent much of the 4 days practicing self-care. Took a few days off from screens -hoping to limit them more in the future. I started playing guitar again (around 2 hours so far). Started writing a song, and busted out the old audio recorder thing I used 15 years ago. I also spent about 2 hours in the apartment gym, so I am using the amenities! YES. Still not sure the apartment is worth the cost, but I figure if I go to the gym twice a week that's pretty good, that's like a $100 membership to a gym, right? I'd still rather go for walks, but it also snow stormed this weekend... so tough to get around. 

I am feeling a little brain dead. I'd hoped to do some creative writing or brainstorming tonight. But it seems like the blog today is mostly just a recap...

Did some supervision CEUs... need to do more in December, but feeling mostly on track for licensure in Jan. Did not do a few other work things (paperwork, Medicare) but I can do that Monday, Tuesday. Had a bunch of people reach out this weekend for appointments... so it feels like I might have to start a waitlist soon. I kind of like having a day or at least a half day empty and it seems like peeps want appointments.

Thursday this week is consult. Thursday next week is a Christmas concert with my mom. Gonna do therapy just one time this month... one chiro appointment, maybe a massage? It seems like the physical therapy has done wonders, and now my shoulder is roughly back to normal. Still a bit tight, but I can lift weights and move it pretty much. Maybe I will cancel the appointment in January. 

Listened to some Louden Wainwright III and 311 today. The LW cd is has a lot of songs about aging and loss, and rediscovering or accepting where you are at. the 311 cd... um not really a theme (Soundsystem) come original?

Spent some time yesterday thinking about an art project and kind of designing it. If I keep up with the no screens, I could imagine it getting finished this year.  

Time with family was good, mostly centered around the chaos of the littles. It is hard for me to imagine having little kids, the mess alone. And yet, the idea of existing for another 10-40 years without a family seems kind of pointless in some way. I don't think it is, but I also understand why childless people might decide to let go once life gets hard, like who is gonna take care of me anyway?

Considering changing churches, I think I need to explore the ones over here. It's mostly because there is staffing changes happening at first U. I enjoy their services, but maybe I could find the same elsewhere.

Not sure what else. Apparently going to the gym right as the sunset wiped me out. I ate lunch at like 3:30 so now I am not sure if I call it a night and go to bed at 8... or try to wait to have another meal. 

Seems like a weird day. I woke up at 11, so everything has been off. 

Maybe I'll get a new wave of energy in an hour or something.

I was thinking I should start writing essays for the blog rather than just venting/journaling. What could I write an essay about?  RIght now, nada.

Haircut? Or sad

 

Mental health is so weird. Being a therapist is too. Yesterday I woke up feeling anxious, then felt depressed, then pulled myself together aa the sun broke through on my walk to work. I got to my office and drank coffee and used a happy light and got some work done. I felt prepared for my first client, I had a good time with my new supervisee, I joked with another client, and with the last I felt overwhelmed and urgent and like i fucked up by giving unwanted advice. I sat in my office for 30 minutes doing nothing as the sun began to set, then walked home trying to remind myself I’m not a fuck up. Awed by the swings my mind can do in just moments, trying to be grateful, trying to let go. 

I got home, made dinner, did some Spanish, some physical therapy. I went to bed at like 8:30. Woke up three hours later with my mind doing 5 things at once, all of them kind of stupid (replaying a song I saw 30 seconds of at some point in the day, playing risk, trying to reassure itself). 

I spent like 20 minutes in bed half wanting to go back to sleep and half trying to convince myself that there must be something more to this recent bout of shame, fear, vulnerability and insecurity. Why am I suddenly swinging all the time between these things? Why does it feel like work just to have a cogent thought. 

I have some big fears that keep surfacing. I’m afraid I’m really unhealthy and don’t even know it. Like maybe my heart is gonna give out. I’m afraid I can’t stop eating sugar as evidence by the half a lie I’ve eaten even before thanksgiving, the constant candy etc. I’m afraid I’m not gonna find someone to love, or maybe that I’m not even interested sometimes, I’m afraid if I do find someone that I will have to give up other people to love, im afraid I’m fucking up at work, I’m afraid I’m not doing anything with my life, I’m afraid I’m wasting my life, I’m afraid of how others perceive me and that they are judging me as harshly as I judge myself. I’m afraid I’m doing harm.

I dunno… I just feel so ungrounded in these moments and in the next totally logical and even optimistic sometimes. 

I feel like I’m picking up way too much of other peoples stuff… some of this doesn’t even feel like me. I also worry that I’m totally off, and not really hearing anyone, lost in my own world. 

I feel very insecure physically. I think some of it is the haircut and people noticing. 

I’ve been wondering if I should be on meds again. Maybe that would make things easier. But I’m also like… why am I afraid of feelings? Nothing is actually wrong, nothing is on fire. I’m literally just reacting to my own thoughts and feelings… like oh? You’re uncomfortable with your hair cut or your body? You can work with that. Oh you are worried you’re addicted to sugar or screens? You can work with that. Be bored, be creative, read a book, draw, write… do something besides distract yourself, meet someone, travel, pick up an instrument dance.    So many options and you’re trapping yourself in the smallness of your mind rather than embracing the wholeness of reality.  

I’ll probably distract myself after writing this. 

I remember during covid some of these feelings would come up. I’d go to work and be “helpful”, and then wonder whether it mattered that I lived or died, and then wonder if it mattered  that I couldn’t answer that question with anything that felt important.. like yes and no, no and yes, and so ultimately meh, not really. 

So replaceable, so intangible and weightless in the larger sphere of things…. I think about plague victims, human beings with every bit of beauty and awe, and awful, as us… dying, suffering by the thousands, millions. Families and villages and nations wiped out in the span of days or months. And each of them wondering why? Why their life did or didn’t matter. Why their life became consumed by a different life, the gnashing of teeth. 

Change is the constant.

I think about how dismissive I’ve been of my life lately. Someone gives me a compliment because of my hair cut and because I don’t like it, I tell them I’m not sure yet. 

Someone gives me a congrats on starting a business and I tell them I don’t really care about it. 

Someone tries to tell me or show me they love me, and I don’t have the time for them.

I dunno… this ivory tower living sure isn’t it. But I also don’t know what else to do. The thought of moving again -even next August, seems like a lot of work. The thought of finding a new job or office space… meh. 

I think ideally I find a project or an organization to dedicate myself to, maintain what I have and throw myself into something else, so that I’m not feeling lost and disparaging myself. 

Men alone, become sicker statistically. 

I figured I’d write this stuff down not because it means anything in particular, but just because though I’m not sure it’s good to dwell on, it’s also not good to avoid. I fear I’m avoiding something, and I don’t want to do that. 

Maybe more vitamin d tomorrow. 

What is real what is you?

 

Its a Sunday. I slept in because the only time sensitive plans I had were cancelled yesterday.  I was social the last couple days, and figured I'd be using the day to prep for the week and do nothing. 

At some point in the very early morning I considered avoiding my computer and phone all day. I need to do that more often. But I figured I was gonna do some work today, and probably watch church online. 

It's been kind of wild day in an odd way. When I woke up I had this slight awareness that nothing was real. That the stories I tell myself to propel me through the day, to motivate, to get shit done, to have goals, to have accomplishments, to have relationships or a personality... none of it is really real.  The feeling has come and gone throughout the day. It's not quite depersonalization or ego death, its more just a glimpse of that. It's not quite depression, but I could see it turning to that if I listened. I did some stuff, some laundry, made a smoothie, did the dishes, got groceries. I ate breakfast and lunch, I texted a few people...

But the feeling comes and goes. Sometimes I can concentrate and focus, other times not. I can watch shit and not lose interest, laugh along with stuff, be impressed. But I also sometimes have a thought and it slips away without anything happening... and that is kind of off putting while at the same time I am not sure it matters once I am in the mindless state. 

I watched a video that said all the red flags are you, and I agreed with every point about that personality I have and its weird stories.  I watched a hypnosis video that called attention to your mass/matter, and thought how funny it is that we gain and lose mass/matter without ever noticing or feeling different that part of me is new of changed.

I watched church online and I was curious about the drama behind the scenes. One of my favorite church leaders is leaving the church and he hinted that it had been a hard time for him. Another left about 6 months ago... what is going on?  Part of me wondered if I also want to leave that church? It was a new member ceremony and it felt odd to welcome people into a community that I was feeling less, communal with. 

I dunno, its been an odd thing today. At one point I got sleepy and sat on the couch and basically fell asleep, I went and took a nap. The sun set. Time passes. Suddenly it was 5:30... where has the day gone?  What does it matter? 

I have some work I want to get done tonight still. And I know I need to eat dinner. And I was planning on journaling or something... I gues this is that. 

On friday I hung out with E, made salmon, read tarot. The time went quick, but I was nervous and odd the whole time. I felt like I was trying to make her happy, but also averse to making her happy. It was weird. I am not sure who I am or what I want to be. She asks me so many questions... last night I had dinner with Illy and she was doing the same. I talked and talked and somehow in talking and feeling more and more myself, I also felt like I was losing myself. Its and odd feeling.

I saw some of my teacher coworkers yesterday and we went for a walk at 9 mile creek down in bloomington and it was beautiful. At some point we talked about politics and I got so angry, and then I realized my vision had completely narrowed and I was only looking down at the path in front of me instead of marveling at the beauty around me. It was so simple to change focus, but it felt like in being wide eyed, I'd lost all ability to name, direct, control.

I was telling illy I feel like I've lost my ability to trust people... or maybe its more like I expect everyone and everything to fail... and I don't trust my ability to get back up?

I am living so unnaturally, a whole day off to do nothing, alone... I wonder how many humans who weren't exiled from their community ever did that.

I am not sure what I wanted to say. I have been eating too much, and preparing to hibernate. 

My tarot cards today were the hanged man, the hermit, the 7 of swords and the 7 of wands. I thought I was taking time off to figure out who i was and what i wanted to do with my time and energy... turns out I was just being a lump, disconnected from reality... and maybe thats how I actually spend most of my time, disconnected and pretending that I am connected?

Who knows. 

I better make some dinner or something. 

Feelings

 On Sunday I went to an event for a clinic I used to intern at. I was preparing myself to run into M, and built myself up to feel confident, self assured, then got all sorts of wound up in the drama in my head, then laughed it off. 

She didn’t show up. I wasn’t sure what to expect, I hadn’t seen most of the folks for a few years. Turns out they were trying to have like a brainstorm/ restart on the clinic. I was able to share what had been meaningful to me in the past, and a few ideas about the present and maybe even the future. I found it to be a really cool event, and it made me miss being involved in organizations, missed having a shared mission and a team to work with. 

One of the board members asked me to email the director with some ideas. I sat in my car and wrote out an email, and began to imagine myself giving presentations at the universities trying to create enthusiasm about their mission. It felt great to brainstorm and be creative about something other than my own stuff. I road the wave of it into the next day, when I was confronted with my own therapy practice again. It was a good day with clients, today too… but I miss the sense of belonging, and I miss having a team. 

It also made me realize there seems to be a difference between me creating my own projects - like workshops, and the idea of helping others, or representing someone else’s mission. I could run classes or groups now, but I dont feel enlivened by the idea of doing it alone. 

So I’ve been thinking and wondering about that… it also made me realize how much I miss my old jobs because of that, and exes who I’d come home and brainstorm with. It felt like I had a teammate. Now… not so much. 

Today I struggled to get my head fully present. I felt like crying all day. Clients were good, connected with a prospective client as well as a coordination of care call that went well… but I was partially absent… something in me felt sad and angry and raw… a lot of my clients feel that way now, and I’m sure I picked up a bunch of that these last few days but also something stupid happened 2 blocks from my office (an ice raid) and I let other people in my building know… but it felt violating. Even though I wasn’t involved - found out later one of my old coworkers was… but it felt violating to think about how a client might be trying to get to their therapy office and get caught up in that. Or, people living or working in the fucking neighborhood! This is my neighborhood now, and some fuckers just ran in with weapons and pepper sprayed protesters and it’s just evil. 

It’s awful. I had this weird moment where this construction worker (white guy) who I was informing looked me in the eyes with the same “it’s fucking bullshit” attitude and I didn’t know him, and I was just moved by the fact that he was so quick to anger and protection like he was thinking about people he knows and works with, and his first response was so quick to that feeling of recognizing it was sooooo hurtful and scary, and angering.  

I didn’t know what to say, I think I nodded. I was caught off guard. I just wanted what he wanted and I didn’t know what else to do.   I mean, basically I was super sure everything was gonna be ok in my building, but wasn’t sure if people were coming into the building today… and I didn’t want anyone to feel scared or hurt. 

Ad I was walking home I was being a little less kind to myself, and I kept having this Ram Dass quote pop into my head - it’s from a video I used to watch every day before work, “you do what you do because your human  heart hurts…”   And then my mind would skip later in the video, “there is another part of me that is looking at the universe as it is, and saying “yes and this too.”

But I don’t think I could really stay with either of them. I watched the news and played games. 

It feels like there is an ache… I am sad. I don’t think I’ll cry tonight… I probably need to be less empathetic this week. 

11/15/25

 Its 9 pm on a Saturday. I'm in my bathroom at my normal spot at the island counter

Had dinner with my mom and grant last night. It was nice.  

Spent about 4.5 hours with Gabi this morning.  Was it really that long?  I was supposed to hang with some old teacher crew... but they cancelled and having just spent a bunch of time being social I was kind of ok with that.  So instead I came home and at lunch, then walked to Dogwood and felt uncomfortable in their chairs... (I need a new coffee shop). Some of this will undoubtedly parallel what I journaled there. 

What am I even journaling about? 

Sometimes I am not even sure what my life is anymore. 

"I will be light, time will continue without you, so in the end it's not about you."

I was talking with gabs about life, about disability, about healing, about our journeys and professions. 

I told her that even though she has faced a setback and might even launch into a new career, she is still herself and just finding ways to do it in a healthy way.  

I feel like I am applying that to myself for the most part. For the most part I am living out a healthy life... but it's so limited. Its work, and friend and family, but not a family of my own. Its small acts of creativity, but nothing to show. It's showing up for church but not having a community. It's showing up at protests, but not being involved in an org. Its maintaining my apartment, but not really feeling all that at home. 

I guess what I am saying is that I feel like I live deeply into a very small puddle, and it's not truly a fulfilling puddle... or like it's not enough to sustain a life. I'll need to find a bigger puddle. 

I think the difficulty is that the only place I really feel like I could push and make bigger right now is work... and that's the imbalance I am trying to get away from. 

This morning though, I woke up and decided I should really make progress on some of those long term goals -the 'bucket list' that isn't much of a bucket list. It's basically individual goals that I don't need someone else to accomplish... 

I am sure I have put these on here somewhere...

1) A cd or book of poems

2) learn to play a few songs on guitar (this would presumably mean that I learn them long enough that I could always pick up a guitar and play around). 

3) learn Spanish well enough to have conversations (this would presumably mean that I keep up my spanish enough that I can engage to some extent throughout my life). 

4) 6/7 continents aint bad.

5) finish the novel/series?

6) Grandpa videos  -this was an old project and it never turned into what I wanted. When I interviewed my Grandpa, he didn't have much to say. I realized I'd have to enrich the video with pictures and other stuff... and it started to feel like too much work. I always make things bigger than they need to be.

That's basically it... I make progress on Spanish -at least 5-20 minutes a day. I haven't touched the guitar in years. But I woke up this morning and thought "You know, you could publish a poetry book."   And for about 15 minutes today I thought about curating and editing a small book, self publishing and then not really sharing it. I don't really want a big audience; it's a personal goal... but maybe it will give me more experience for publishing the novel if I ever finish it. And then I would have something to hold in my hands, and not worry about people stumbling upon my blogs and 20 years worth of scribbles. 

I'd be like yeah... I wrote some stuff... it's not great but I like it. And the process itself would force me to wrestle with creativity more frequently, which would be good, because right now it feels like I am just avoiding it at all costs.  Today I wrote a little thought thing, not really a poem, but maybe if I edit it. 

I wrote some early in the summer?  But yeah... generally not doing much. 

I'm still somewhat interested in the idea of spiritual direction, but I am not sure it will really add much to my life. I feel like to some extent I'm tapped out on learning the next new thing... and now I should really read a good novel or something. Something to take my mind to different locations. 

I should probably set more time limits on screens. Listen to music... draw... write... play a few guitar chords. I mean arguably, I could probably complete most if not all of these goals within a year or two. 

I can speak Spanish like a 2-year-old. I don't practice with anyone... maybe I should be talking to Gabi in Spanish. 

I don't really want to go to Australia or New Zealand these days.   I think my next trips may be Mexico City, maybe DC or NYC, Portugal and Spain, South East Asia... those are the spots closer to the top of my list. Australia might be an indicator that I have a terminal disease... 

The novel could be published... if I got away from my giant idea of publishing it as a series. The project just got bigger and bigger (eye roll).  Maybe if I do a poetry book I should limit myself to like 30 and then I don't have to worry about it too much. If I did it as a zine with art, it would be even easier... but I kind of want the published bound look -not the things I did in high school. I suppose in that way I am already an accomplished author. Funny. 

Yeah so basically, I am saying my life is really easy. Work seems to be getting easier and easier. Less to worry about. More recognition that I can make it work and put in more effort if I am worried.

I have a list of stuff I need to do for the business, and for my life and I am not really trying on any of them. Health and dental insurance, some financial things, some legal stuff, some professional trainings... a few items for the office. It's simple stuff, and it doesn't seem to be a priority. I think maybe I like to have a list sitting in the background to feel like I have things. 

I wonder if that's why this "bucket list" doesn't seem to motivate much. I mean I got started... and now its like... ok finish it when you want. 

So it's probably time to start looking for a date. 

I think about other stuff I've been considering lately, volunteering, organizing, teaching, clubs, classes.

The tai chi thing was alright, but I am not actually all that interested... I forgot to do physical therapy yesterday and I am avoiding it tonight... (just did a little, probably need to do more when I am done). I'd prefer to go to an open mic, and get back into that kind of thing than the tai chi. Maybe I should check on the qigong. I dunno experiences, its like going to that shamanic class, or the reiki class, or Hare Krishna meeting, its like you try stuff. It's good, even if you don't make it a habit. I've done martial arts. I've done some types of dance. 

My mental health is funny... I notice getting anxious all the time, but I have ways of coping and recognizing. I am not sure if my beliefs of self are accurate, but they aren't getting me in trouble. I am functioning just fine. I am probably not "living up to my potential" but I don't feel guilty or ashamed like I used to. I mean sometimes in a motivating way, but not really in a "you're a piece of shit who doesn't deserve anything..." kind of way. I am pretty genuine, even if I don't always express my feelings in the moment. I do avoid a lot of social situations, but I also don't really enjoy a lot of social stuff. 

I don't necessarily enjoy the time alone (hence so much distraction), but I don't want to hold myself to a higher standard than everyone else, and everyone else is telling me about shows they are watching on netflix, so I must not be too far off -watching my youtube. 

I think its just that I'm so much more aware and accepting than I used to be that people just are who they are, and their lives are not going to be nor should they be perfect. It's like "yeah, you might figure that out, or you might keep doing the same old... and who cares."  \

Maybe having a horrible person for a president helps take the perfectionism away.

I dunno... I don't want people to suffer and make mistakes, I don't want to either... but we will. We will. Again and again... so why dwell too much. 

Feels like time for a shift, time for a change?  as if I didn't just rearrange my whole life 

--whats next universe and in what ways am I blocking my own blessings?

What could I let go of?  what could I add more of? 

What is nourishing, and what diminishing, and am I willing to forgo the latter for the former?

My sweet tooth and iltosha are still present...

Should I be a monk?  Should I be a poet? Should I join a choir? 

Should I swan dive into the sharks or the lions den or throw myself into an hielo vehicle (a word I can never hear when spoken, only recognize it when its written.

Maybe its time for more side walk chalk... maybe I need a horse or a wolf dog, or a guinea pig.  

 

Ram Dass answer to my situation

 https://youtu.be/wUqyE_sTRf8

Free journaling for an hour, I replied to Eduardo asking me how im doing

 Been struggling to figure that out lately. I went through a few months where I was starting my private practice and worried about money and trying to get everything settled and stable. I moved across the river and have been working out of my new office and trying to meet new colleagues and establish new routines. Felt like I was working towards something, even if it wasn’t exactly fun all the time. Now (since about mid october) I feel a little more stable and a lot less clear about what I’m supposed to do with my time and energy.

I’ve been going to more protests and things, but not feeling like committing to organizing - cuz it’s so exhausting. 

Been trying to say yes to random things, like the singing thing in the bar. Been seeing friends and family. Trying to keep up with the news… being very functional -as in keeping my apartment relatively clean and cooking, and trying to exercise a little and pay bills and what not.

But not feeling very inspired or clear about what comes next. It’s a little boring. I am sure I could create a more dramatic narrative, but it’s kind of like I rush to get a stable platform underneath me, and then sit on my ass uncomfortably- unsure what to build on it. Not feeling inspired by the outside world, and not feeling very ambitious myself. 

And my country is a shit show… and it’s obnoxious how every day there is a new headline to grab the attention and direct the outrage, but nothing seems to change. Lots of protests, but similar to my personal life, unclear of the direction - definitely feels like shit will get way worse before it gets better, and it’s very easy to be cynical in recognizing that it is all our choices. 

Trying to focus on little stuff, local stuff, eg local workers, local environmental stuff. Seems more possible. 

Trying to give back in the ways I can, as in not stressing when my clients who are way more scared or stressed than I am, miss an appointment or can’t pay me. Or like buying my broke friends a meal or taking them places when they don’t have money. 

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I’d say I’m content and that feels uncomfortable and kind of stupid given the world has always been on fire. 

I think doing my own therapy work has been weird because now it’s harder to guilt, shame, judge myself into doing things… I’m kind of like, “meh, that doesn’t sound appealing.” 

Somebody used to say I see lions everywhere, and that I need to start recognizing sheep are sheep, not lions in disguise. I feel like I’m getting closer to seeing the complexity of lions and sheep, but being less scared of both… but still not sure how to interact with them or even if I want to. I don’t know if that makes any sense. 

How are you?  What have you been up to? What’s inspiring? What’s bringing some joy, laughter? Sorrow? Connection?