Spyhouse on a Monday, the 24th of March.
Reading John Green write about sunsets. Wondering, why do I like this place so much? Where else would I be on a Monday afternoon that I had been meant to be working? Home alone scrolling on my phone? At the lake? (but it’s a bit too cold) I suppose I could go out to the Como Conservatory like I tell everyone else to do… or run errands… but I don’t really have any.
I wasn’t expecting the day off. I was expecting a morning appointment, and an afternoon to book end, and a lot of time watching tarot videos and msnbc, and dillydallying around paperwork. Tomorrow is a very busy day at work…
Today, I journal at a coffee shop. Sometimes I like the light, it doesn’t feel cramped here, it feels spacious, and open. Sometimes I like the people watching. Sometimes I dislike the chairs and the feel of the tables on my skin. I usually always enjoy the coffee. The noise level depends on my mood. Sometimes someone is speaking too loudly, or coughing, or fidgeting, or the music is too loud. Many of those things just started happening. It had been quiet, and I could hear my thoughts. I put in headphones, maybe that will help. I keep thinking I should buy noise canceling ones.
Deep breath, get centered.
I had all these things I wanted to journal about. Maybe a list would help.
· Last night and the Krishna consciousness (as I am calling it). Perception at different levels.,
· My fear and anxiety vs abundance, creativity, manifesting
· Clarity
· Dad at the lake, and selfishness
· And of course the day to day…
What first? I am not sure… maybe from the concrete to the multilevel…reverse order then.
This week will be stressful with work. I have 7 appointments tomorrow, two intakes and my normal schedule. Wednesday is a little lighter, but then Thursday and Friday are basically booked up. I have therapy on Thursday I think. Its all fine, and even if it goes poorly or I am stressed I have nothing to worry about… it won’t impact anything except my level of creativity at night. I can watch severance and eat fast food instead of groceries and art… no biggie.
Business wise… turned in the paperwork… starting to brainstorm around what to put on the website, looking into an EHR. I think it will work.
Over the weekend I did all my household chores, saw Illy and did some art, saw both of my parents. Went to see a play at the Guthrie with my Mom, and it was amazing. A midsummer nights dream. Beautiful and vibrant. Charming and funny. Great music, great spectacle, great story telling. They made it really physical, so you could tell the storyline even if you didn’t understand every word. And Aimee one of the musicians from church was in it. Speaking of music, yesterday Chastity Brown played at church. She said she’d been attending for about 4 months with her wife. It was great. Actually kind of hard to focus on the sermon and everything else because I was taking in the music. I guess, that is the day to day.
Walking with my Dad.
I really enjoy walking around the lake with my Dad, or going for walks with him. Generally, it is when we have our best conversations (since we don’t drive together much I guess). Sometimes we complain about stuff… yesterday he was complaining about Ali’s wedding and not having enough time or knowing how to prepare for the amount of people. Small things in the long run, it will go fine. But he was definitely feeling like he was responsible for all these things that he just didn’t really want to be responsible for. He made it sound like he had spoken up, but had later walked back his boundaries and was now resenting it.
I was complaining about politics for much of it…
At some point in the middle of the walk, a woman walked by wearing stretch fitness pants, and he made a comment about how she was practically naked… and it was really uncomfortable. I think I felt like I wanted to argue, but also like he wanted to share the shadow self… the inner judgements and wanted me to be on his side. It felt yucky. I couldn’t care less what the lady wore, or rather, I support her in wearing what she wants and feel she shouldn’t be judged for it. Feel like she should be admired in whatever guise she shows up in… as all people should be.
It was the same when he brought up George Floyd… sure he's not the most honorable man to have been martyred, but he became a martyr because he was representative of the need to respect human dignity regardless of circumstance… not blatantly ignore, judge, mistreat, oppress. It’s like there is some fundamental misalignment sometimes between this father of mine, and I. Its one thing to have a judgment and feel some guilt for it, its another to believe you are right, and better than someone else. Again… it just feels yucky sometimes.
(I just noticed they were playing one of the versions of om namah Shivaya I listen to… so odd).
So I was thinking about this the other day. How part of my healing path is to accept my shadow self, all the parts of me I have pushed away… tried to hide etc. I was thinking about the differences between my selfishness and my Dad’s. I used to think selfishness was selfishness and always bad. Used to think it meant putting yourself above someone else, my needs matter more than yours, and you’ll have to deal with it. This was the lesson I learned from my Father's actions so long ago... and it has haunted me. But I feel like at this point, my 41 yr old self, says no. I can have needs equal to yours. It doesn’t make me selfish or better to have my own needs or my petty wants. I don’t judge you for yours, so why should I judge myself for wanting my own peace of mind, or piece of the pie. I need to learn better how to put myself first, but not above. That’s my work to do. I think noticing the difference is helpful. Its like trusting the place form where it comes from is not bad, not shameful, not even guilty… On this level, I am learning and growing.
There is a certain amount of clarity coming to me lately… and I think its making it easier to act, and to pursue my goals. To experience life as it is, not the judgements I make of it.
Some quotes/paraphrases from either tarot or online healers that have been resonating.
“Clarity is not knowing what to do, its knowing yourself and being clear about it. From there you can act without fear, and know it will be ok.”
I think this is a helpful place to get to. To focus on the inner knowing of self, to be grounded, to be present, to feel fully myself… and then from there the world is full of possibility and I can just smile and step forward. No worries. No perfectionism. No judging self.
Need to remind myself of that.
Another, that has a lot to do with the last couple things I want to write about…
“You can always choose the level at which you experience a situation, what level, impacts how you experience it, even if the situation still happens.”
EG. You can laugh at a coup, or be horrified, or cry, or be indifferent.. But furthermore, you can see it from above, or below, you can see it as force to be worked with -ala jujitsu, or one to be met with equal force. Choose the level at which you wish to experience it, at which you feel capable… and then act in that. But don’t forget its your choice, and that choice is always available.
Which brings me to the last two points.
And right now I am feeling a little sleepy, and a little irritable with the amount of noise in here. The pushing away of distraction, or sensory input. I came to the coffee shop hoping to meet someone, but this isn’t the type of energy I want to have if I met someone. Maybe I need to do some meditating on abundance… put the ideas I am dwelling on, into action. Maybe its time to head home and enjoy the silence of my home environment.
I’ll probably do that and start again.
(9pm)
The next part is like the opposite of how I have been feeling for much of today. I woke up in this space, but couldn’t maintain it. Maybe if I am lucky, I can get back there… but I just spent a few hours on my phone, took a nap, ate dinner, and then spent a few more hours on my phone because I am feeling so unmotivated and unproductive, and just like a waste of space right now... probably the food I have been eating. Donuts, don’t add energy.
Anyway… I am not sure how to bring this up since it is so far from where I am. My whole thing about choosing the level you want to experience things at feels hard right now. Maybe a lack of energy, or feeling sick, or the temperature of the room makes that more difficult. Spoon theory after all. We can experience within the limits of what we can experience…
And last night, I felt limitless.
I don’t really know why, but at a certain point in the night I was having a hard time getting to sleep, and I started brainstorming for the future, and started expanding my mind, further and further. Work, workshops, classes I’ve taught, lessons I’d like to impart, scientific ideas I’ve heard, spiritual ideas I’ve heard… trips I’ve taken in my mind, and in the real world… things coalesced, and I found myself considering these ideas of G-d and the universe, and everything seemed beautiful and expansive, and layered, but perfect. Like that Ram Dass video, everything was perfect, perfectly aligned within the way of things. Universes existing, times coexisting, life, the material… I felt like I was a smear of paint on G-d’s paint brush, brought to life amongst all the other smudges… sometimes the subject of a moment, sometimes a blotch in the background, but no matter what, totally part of the beauty of the universe. A testament to the creator, who creates in all moments, and creates to mirror back the parts of itself. EG, what could a human mind fathom or perceive that isn’t A) verification to G-d’s omniscience, and B) pales in comparison… we create little objects, words and symbols, relationships and political systems, then throw them at one another, exchange them, negotiate, fight and squander… but in the vastness of this omniscience and this universe it means nothing… and yet everything. We puppets upon the strings dancing, playing our parts, holy regardless of their role. A member of a cast, a collection of atoms brought together to beautify the nothing, and make something…
And if we are breathed into by G-d, or we are reflections of her, in the whirl of creation and destruction, and creation again… then nothing is wrong, ever… nothing bad, no imperfections anywhere… suffering, pain, guilt, hurt, even hatred, just a note plucked in the symphony, dissonances performed to create a masterpiece… and our role… oh, are we vile for playing our brutal role? The president, the warrior, the pirate, the flower, the peacemaker, the baker, the farmer, the starving, the prisoner… oh all good thingsAll living out their dollop of creation, none better or worse, just part of the perfection. And I am that. At this level… oh the beauty and dance of the universe, and as without, so within, can you imagine the universe of microbes in our guts? In our blood? The electricity within our nervous system? The thought or image that flickers across my mind, is the same that flickers across the universe, all things connected, all vast, simple and complex. All the law of perfection…. What is a chair? A home, an assembly, a concept, a grave, a place to rest… so each of us. All things, grand and small, the micro is the macro. The blanket covering me, and the fan blowing particles across the room, like the sun blows helium across our solar system, and knocks out the wifi… like a galaxy swirling on the other side of the universe, like the swirling in the drain I just declogged of the filth I’ve shed. All perfection at all levels…. And in this vast creative space… this unending immaculate universe…
I wondered, why do I choose to believe there are limits?
Why do I put limits on myself or anyone else? Why can’t I just marvel at the perfection of what ever occurs, laugh, smile, delight in the next breath, the next grunt, the next death?
I can be angry at Donald Trump for destroying the country I believed I lived in, or delight in the unmasking, and choose whether I want to heap new stone upon stone to build anew, or sit on the rubble and take in the stars and the starlink satelites when everything else fails.
Nothing better or worse, starvation is just a certain set of pangs… but again, any choice, any timeline. I often wonder, what makes a person make a choice I wouldn’t make. Why does this woman over here choose to start an only fans, or wear the stretch pants my Dad judges, while the next wears a burka? Why do I believe the limits of pickiness, of energy, of motivation… or sensory overwhelm? Why not eat of the fruitsalad, aren’t all things from Krishna? As the man said. Any choice, any timeline, perfect. Sometimes some of the energy healers online will say, the angels, the ancestors, the guides want you to have whatever you desire as long as it doesn’t interfere with what you were put here to do, any timeline is as good as the next, you want to switch timelines, believe that you can. But they also say, you won’t be able to unless you firmly believe it, any doubt will send you back into the same cycle. If you are ready for the next thing, call out to the universe and the angels and the guides to bring it, where is my purple woman? (a reference to a video a guy made about DMT)… collectively we have chosen this, its what we believe we deserve, but there are infinite timelines where we have chosen differently, and each new choice, each real true free choice allows that shift. Why not grow like Hanuman and pace across the subcontinent? Why not shrink and dance inside the small intestine? Why not lay lazily like the lion in the grass, and later be feasted upon by the trillions.. I am the future soil, the future oil, the future rock flung across the galaxy, why not a moment of wealth, or lust, or chaos, or gluttony… and oh, of course for each choice there are consequences, natural, within the law. Why don’t I choose differently? The way I perceive and experience the law provides these consequences within this birth, within this role. Mine, might be different than yours, as Ram Dass says, I’m here, how did you get in that one? All different levels, all choices are available, but all within the law. So who do I call on?
Some lady told me I need to invite in my Scandinavian deities (invest in the side of me that is unknown), and among them, Odin stands out, two ravens by his side, a blind eye, a hanged man, thrust upon the world tree wanting to see all. Choosing rather than being thrust into helplessness..
Not Jesus upon the cross, crying out Why have you forsaken me? (his role within the law), but a man who ties himself to it… give me this experience, I’ll sacrifice for it. I am not Odin, but wonder if my desire to have crows near.. Huginn and Muninn, thought and memory… and what is it I do for a living?
But this morning I found myself singing “take this cup away from me, for I don’t want to taste its poison…” and considered Arjuna wishing the same. And inside the vast cosmic swirl within the charioteer’s mouth (another form of G-d) all the universe saying, you must perform your role regardless… we cannot have it any other way. Divine timing… all is choice, but only within the choices we have.
I ask for guidance, hey universe, hey angels, ancestors, guides, aliens, whatever you all are… help me find my way home… my path, and let me be grateful, and let me not be afraid all the time…and let me find love… and let me know that you are holding all those I’ve loved, so that I don’t have to feel afraid for them, or responsible… and yet. What is my role?
Back to confusion. Forgetfulness. The vail. Back to worry. Back to distrust…
Its strange to have a glimpse of the way of things, to be one with all, and then fall out... again I am separate, discarded. I thought maybe today would be the day that everything changes. It’s not over yet, but at some point, I went back into my habits… will again shortly. I won’t meditate tonight, I’ll probably feel sad and want to avoid it. Wide pain in the divide…
Grounded on this lesser plane, chalk full of insecurity, dullness, anxiety and conservation of energy… the material level. But this too is perfect, even if I am a worm in the very dry dirt. I just have to remember, its but a flicker away, but I feel depleted… or lazy. Adam not extending his finger… and I guess, I am that.