5 pm on a Sunday.

 I’m sitting outside at my apartment. I feel like I never noticed the wallpaper in the bathrooms on the first floor are weed themed. 

The hot tub is open again, and there are about 6 people in there chatting -gonna walk back up to my apartment. 

It’s funny how nothing in this place is really that comfortable. Not their couches nor mine. I should get à la z boy. 

I’m sure most of the folks in the hot tub knew each other, but the casual talk of a group… the way it must remain somewhat shallow, it reminded me of being at a hostel, amongst a group, wondering when to chime in. Wondering if I have anything of value to add to the conversation, wondering if I even want to have a conversation with these strangers. I’m sooo antisocial. I was thinking today as I got groceries that I am so set in my ways, making things simple, ritualistic even, groceries on Sunday, laundry on Friday, the same basic meals, the same chores, the same friends. And when there is a special event I don’t cherish it, I’m anxious till it is in the past and I can relax again. 

I don’t go out of my way to try new things, at best a walk or a drive to a new neighborhood, or a different route, but even that is so uncommon on the whole. 

I’ve done all my things today and the one (other than dinner and dishes) that I have left is to write something positive about my dad. Something for his birthday. Why is it so hard?

Yesterday I spent about 3 hours writing to Ali, writing and erasing, writing and erasing. She responded kindly today. It gave me some hope, and then I left my apartment and remembered that not only did the government attack my community, but my parents defended them. Accused my neighbors and the protesters standing up against them of wrong doing. It’s not a policy. It’s a line in the sand… and that’s why I am angry. I have no doubt they’d cross the line in my moment of need, but to not be able to extend that… what then? And even then, only if it didn’t cost them anything too much… especially my step mom. If it were her or me, she’d choose herself and my dad would too. So on the personal and public, I lost trust. 

I don’t want to be angry all the time. I don’t want to be distant. That’s what I realized, writing to Ali, how many excuses I make to pull away, to hide because it’s so much more difficult to name and stay engaged. 

But can I just engage and not get angry? Do I need to start avoiding conversations? Leaving early? Dismissing them in my head and rolling my eyes as if they are children…

Is it that point. Give up on them. Let it go. Know their limits and build support for your own. Is it that?

I guess it is that.  That’s the conclusion everyone in their lives has come to, my siblings, my dads siblings, my step moms family (they all dismiss her). 

Stay part of the family and just don’t engage.

If I had my own support network, a group of friends, or a family of my own… it wouldn’t be so hard to let it go. I know that to be the case. I’d pull away slightly and rest in the company I choose to keep and I’d hold them so much closer. 

Being single and childless is hilariously dumb. 

I go to the grocery store and wonder how with my rituals and scheduled out life, in which I serve others but make no room for fun or social selfish time, I’ll ever meet someone. I think I might need to go on a dating app… and I hate dating.  I think I might have to join something, go somewhere, do something different. It would be nice if that thing would just pop out and make itself known. 

I’m back to all the old lonely shit. Nice apartment. Business. Stability. But no one I want to share it with. So may folks would just point out like… do something different. But I’ve taken classes and explored, and been around the world, and had jobs and volunteered and been part of clubs and circles and churches and I dunno. Sometimes it’s like… universe where are you?

My tarot today was overwhelmingly positive, except it started with the death and resurrection card. And maybe that’s what I need. To die to this life and start a new one.

9:35 so that like 7 minutes earlier

Just finished season 2 of Shrinking. 

I decided this season was all about rupture and repair. 

Things turned out ok. 

I cried a lot toward the end of the season.

BCBS owes me like 5800$ and they were sending it to the wrong place. I am not sure if its sorted yet, cuz I couldn't get through one of the webpages. They said 45 days then they will reissue the checks. Makes a lot more sense why I felt I wasn't making enough money. I mean... throw another 6k at it, and I am fine. I owe more in taxes though. Maybe next quarter I will pay double. 

The show makes me cry so hard for moments. It's like deep grief and heart break, release, then relief. 

I am wishing I could have some relief from the fight with my Dad and Step Mom... wondering how necessary it is to stay angry.  Part of me wants to write out a list of all the ways my Dad has been loving toward me, and I guess... at least acknowledge that. Maybe they don't have to balance scales... maybe its not about scales... just that I am deeply hurt by this life long stuff... and also I love my Dad. Both things are true... its not as picture perfect as a tv show though. 

There is a deep part of me still grieving having a companion. I am noticing that a lot lately. Maybe it means I should be dating. Craving intimacy and belonging. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have become too antisocial... like I save all my goodness for work, and I have nothing left for anyone else... but really its just like -when you don't do stuff, you don't do stuff. Its not some big existential thing. If you're not part of something, you aren't part of something. 

Pretty simple really.

I think I am just delaying going to bed. 

Only 3 clients tomorrow. Maybe I'll write my list or whatever.

9:42

I turned my phone to grayscale to practice not being addicted. Watched three episodes of Shrinking and youtube instead.

Was supposed to have had 6 clients today, but one cancelled. It was a good day. I was supposed to have 6 tomorrow but one switched to Friday. 5 clients in a day is dreamy. I walked home, realized I didn't have anything to do. Read for an hour. 

Caught up with some checks and realized I haven't been getting checks from BCBS even though they say they are sending them. Meaning either they are sending them the wrong place, not sending them, or they are getting lost in the mail. I will probably have to call someone to sort this shit out. 

I am a little worried my check from wellsfargo also got stuck in the mail... what do you do if checks aren't getting through in the mail?

I am lonely. It's probably like 70 degrees out. I am gonna go finish my book or go to sleep. 

My tarot cards today were judgment, 3 of swords, two of pentacles and the sun. 

I felt some of em... not sure where that heart break was... just a slow ache I guess. 

I don't know what I want really... I think I've decided I am staying in my apartment and office for another year -for the stability. Then?  Either a new place or a getaway? 

Maybe the heartbreak will be in the next two hours. Half the characters of the book are dead. I am not sure if I think reading the rest of the series is worth it. I get how this series (Foundation) was a precursor to other sci fi series. Lots of new ideas. Lots of great insight... but its soooo tedious and slow sometimes. -I guess similar to how tv and movies were back in the day. 

Authors got away with a lot more telling and not showing, or showing in the tedious ways.

It all just is what it is. Here is a heartbreak kind of song from the show:

ideas of flight

I woke up today not exactly feeling grand. I guess it wasn't a bad day. I had 5 clients and another one that cancelled. I had an old client reach out to begin therapy again. Briefly chatted with some neighbor coworkers? (Still haven't decided what to call them). Got all my paperwork done for the day. 

I text my mom a bit on the way home, about feeling mixed and weird.

On some level, I feel like a bratty kid making a fuss over nothing. On another level, I feel like I am fighting to be heard. I keep thinking about how it was easier when I had a partner... easier to stand my ground. Easier to feel like my decisions were based on more than just my whims. Easier to say, I matter, when someone else thinks you do. I told my mom, I feel like the bad kid, and that I am being overdramatic, and needy, and selfish. But also that I don't even want to be in the room with my step mom right now. My mom, amongst other thoughts, mentioned that I needed a vacation. 

I thought it was funny. 

My response to finding out that E was likely dating someone, was to spend part of last night thinking about running away again. Why am I here?  I don't feel like my life is heading anywhere... despite the whole business and apartment thing. I have the same old friends. I have the same old family dynamics. I am not tied down to anything. I could spend the next year getting my business settled and then decided to spend 6 months or a year in south east asia. I could go take some eat pray love classes in India. I could move to portugal with the rest of the americans. 

I have dreams and goals, and I am not pursuing most of them at this time. My job is nice, but it isn't enough. I keep seeing myself growing old alone and not accomplishing the things I told myself I would. Write that book. 6/7 continents. Meet someone. 

When I am traveling I am alone most of the time, but I also have new experiences every day, new things to see, new people to meet, new smells, new sensations, and lots of time to think about what I want and why.  

Right now... I dunno.  Life it routine, but it isn't what I want. I don't really want to spend the rest of my life talking to other people about moving their lives forward when I feel like mine is stalling. 

I know I don't need to be dramatic and take a year off... but I also know its a dream I have... and there isn't that much time left you know? I mean southeast asia is experiencing an oil crisis right now... but its gonna experience climate change more dramatically, and I already hate the heat. 

My parents are turning 70, in the next 10 years I'd presume I am needed. 

If my job doesn't let me meet anyone, and I am not interested in joining anything while doing my job... this job is gonna lead to death. SO part of me is like... fuck it, I am out. 

But a more reasonable thing would be to take a week or ten days or something. Go to Mexico City, or DC, or NYC. Go get renewed. 

It's funny when I think this way, because on one hand it feels like magical thinking -go run around the world and make something of yourself... and on the other hand it doesn't feel unaligned with some of those universalizing thoughts I had yesterday.  You're an ant, it doesn't matter. Dream bigger, even if you're tiny. 

It's hard to imagine coming back after a year to doing therapy. In fact, I wonder about posting up somewhere and doing therapy abroad, or running groups, or being a guru... you know?   Like if I am gonna spread my wings, I might as well spread them. Why come back to an office and an apartment here, when I could be leading therapy in Bali, or writing my book in Bangkok?   I am so sick of this stupid country anyway. 

Anyway... it seems funny that I suddenly want to go be a person of the world again. Fighting with my parent. Feeling stuck. An ex that has moved on... same old same old.  

Tonight I am either gonna do some reading or some tv watching.   its 6:15. I'm fed. The dishes are done. I did some Spanish. Might do some exercise in a bit. I have nothing to complain about -really... but there have been multiple times today that I was on the verge of tears, and not very nice to myself in my mind. blaghghhgh

domingo

 

At my brother's suggestion I went to the party a few hours early. Got to spend some time with the niece and nephew. It was fun. Left before anyone arrived.   (So I usually capitalize relationships even though it isn't technically proper... in these blogs I am trying not to use names so it feels weird to not have some formal way of saying this person...  but for today, I'll try to do it right I guess?)

I was a little anxious all morning, like I was doing something wrong, or sneaking around, or didn't know how to exist with people I care about. It felt funny how yesterday I saw two friends and didn't think anything of my being out in the world - and the day prior I was out to a movie by myself  ... but somehow I felt like I was gonna "screw up" being around my family. It had me thinking about social anxiety all day... like how I often have these weird feelings around groups of people, or people I haven't seen in a while, or new people. Not usually if I have a role, but certainly if I am meeting someone and there is any kind of pressure. I don't do normal pleasantries and small talk well, I can, I know the scripts, but it just doesn't feel natural... so I don't.  When I was out with a friend yesterday she casually slipped in that she sees herself as neurodiverse now... actually both of my friends did...  I think it's starting to feel like this is the term we use for anyone who doesn't quite fit in - but it loses a lot of its clinical value if we stretch it to mean all things for all people... you know?  My mom uses it that way too. E used to try to convince me occasionally that I was autistic... I still kind of hold to this idea that I have more of an OCD neurotype rather than an autistic one. And I am very sensitive to my environment and the people in it. Typically, that means that I am picking up on social cues, overly sensitive to them, rather than not understanding or not getting them, regardless of whether I follow them or not. Also, there does seem to be more autistic traits, more androgyny, more desire to be a self, and not be put upon. I watched a comedian making a joke that Chinese culture is autistic, I've heard that many times about Germans and Scandinavians (or more accurately Finnish people).  There are times I wonder if autistic traits are more typical than we are pretending... Maybe when we all lived in community it was just more accepted, but now we are looking for why it is so hard to be in community, and we are finding it easy to point fingers. Maybe our lack of community is causing more of the epigenetic markers to fire.  The birthrate is declining. People will start dying sooner. Civilization is falling apart.

Anyway... that wasn't really the thing I was thinking of to write about... I was thinking about how my social anxiety plays out in so many situations in which it seems absolutely unnecessary. How many times have I been in a room full of people I care about and felt too shy or anxious, too afraid that someone wasn't feeling welcome or fitting in (if I was in charge), too worried I'd say something odd or weird, or wouldn't quite fit it, or wouldn't be able to present myself well... I was thinking about this because one of those friends tried to set me up on a sort of "hey I met someone, can I introduce you?" and 99% of me was like... I meet people constantly... don't you think I meet people?  Its not meeting people that's the problem, its having the right way of meeting them in which I can enjoy their presence and they mine, and that is not on a sort of blind date. That's not ever how I have met anyone I liked.    But its weird to have that idea the same day I am wondering if I should get back on dating apps.  What kind of barriers do I put in my own way. 

Anyway... seeing the niece and nephew was fun. I started to get anxious that people would arrive and I'd have to explain myself so I dipped out after a couple hours. I went for a walk around the lake. It was kind of cold but it was fucking beautiful out. The trees are all budding, the weeping willows yellow against a blue sky. The lake was clear, but clearly growing life, the birds were out and kind of fierce. It was beautiful, but I hadn't eaten much lunch and I found myself drifting towards complaints rather than beauty and awe. At one point I asked myself... why are you so determined to be angry? and I couldn't answer... but I was. I guess I feel wronged, and I am not sure what to do with that feeling, and its turning me into an angry teenager rather than someone capable and adult like... So I was thinking of how my anxiety is showing up again with my family... and how for several years it had gone away because I was secure in myself. I had a relationship. I felt like my life was going somewhere. Now I am wondering if there is a future again... or whether I'll run away to latin america or south east asia... or take out a warehouse kind of thing.  

Whats the point of my life?   I wrote something like that down this morning before I left... what is my dharma here on this earth. I mean, maybe I am supposed to forgive and forget, let myself be taken advantage of, caretake others... That was the meaning I made early on, maybe it was the right path.  I am trying to renegotiate that idea... that my romantic relationships and family relationships aren't based on my taking care of other peoples needs. That I can ask to have mine met... that we can trade off, or take responsibility for our own together. But I don't really have a lot of examples in which I feel I've been successful at that.  But I dunno... I guess I just don't really know what I am supposed to be doing. 

I had another thought, based on a sermon someone was giving about earthday -that later fed into the thoughts I was having on the walk... what if Earth is not a rock, or a school, or a spaceship we ride on, but a being in herself. What if pachamama is a being. What if we are the bacteria on her skin, and we really are just acting like an infection, replacing plant life and other microbes with ourselves... were giving our mother diarrhea and so of course she will need to kill us off, just as we would take an antibiotic. What if none of it is personal. What if its as simple as a being trying to find the balance that fuels her without burning her out. What if all this egocentric thinking is just craziness.  I was thinking the same at the lake. Staring out at the drops of water that collect into such a mass, tiny ripples and in each you can see these universes... and there is always a slight sense of awe in the idea that maybe we are meaningless -as much as it may upset our western thinking.  Maybe my little drop of water of a life is utterly pointless in the grand scheme of things, maybe I don't need to prove myself, or prove to others, maybe I'll live, and dust away, life being none the wiser in the grand scope of the universe, my being has so little impact. Not that it doesn't I mean a virus can be deadly right? but just in the larger system, I accumulate, speak, and then dissipate.  So miniscule, so weightless...

I took a break to scroll on facebook and I think I found confirmation that E is dating someone. I've been thinking that since around February right? I should look it up.  I had a feeling of jealousy, warmth... not necessarily anger or anything, just that heat. I think this is what I wanted for her, so I hope it works out. I also found that my old coworkers memorial service was today. Turns out I am not in the know about things. My coworker was so young. 

I was having this weird curious feeling that something has happened to E's grandparents. I know they weren't doing well, and the last time I talked to her she said she was going out to see them -hence the snooping. 

Its funny it like stole away all the other thoughts I had.  Let me see if I can get back to that... something about how the flip side of our egotistical stories in which we are constantly searching for meaning and purpose and a desire to feel like we did something, can claim something, are profound in our own journeys... is that actually, is that we have the weight of a bacteria, or an ant, or a speck of dust, or a blade of grass, and add just as much, and subtract just as much... and this isn't to say we shouldn't be grateful or open or thankful, or strive or whatever... but just to say, it isn't that big of a deal right? 

It's not that big of a deal.

I hope E can find someone to have a baby with, I know she wants that. I hope its a good fit. 

I want the same for me. Despite all those egoless ideas I just wrote about... I want some of my dreams to come true too. A blade of grass can dream. 

Part2.

I walked away... but continued to process. There is a part of me that is really frustrated with my angst. That's what it feels like. I feel so obsessed with my own thinking, my own feelings and neediness. 

If E is dating someone, there is a part of me that feels free... but that part isn't speaking much right now, instead I feel alone. I've been thinking about how narcissistic it is that I keep people around, get my little chew and then head off. That has been part of the reason I haven't been reaching out or pursuing her, if she wants distance, and that is good for her... and then that is what I have to accept. But I've been missing her lately, and now I am gonna have to grieve just a bit more. Then find my own way I guess. 

But the angst isn't just her... its the stuff with my Dad... its the stuff with the world. 

As a friend and I were talking about yesterday, its such an endless heartbreak, anger making stew to see possibility in the world, to be creative or bright enough to know that there are solutions... and then to see people squander the opportunity. The wealthiest nation in the history of the world, and we can't even house, feed, and heal people without putting them into debt, trauma, slavery. We could have a better world, but we choose not to. 

I'm angsty because I feel entitled to the things that are possible, but if I am honest, I'm not reaching for them either. I am not sure I want to. I have a client who is 19 and determined to chase his dreams no matter the cost, but also wont mow the lawn... I am a 42 yr old man who is educated and wealthy, and has traveled the world and owns his own business and lives a decent life, and is too scared to go to a family gathering.  I mean...  what is anything? I need to stop taking myself so damn seriously... but that's hard when I am also simultaneously trying to establish boundaries. Its a real will he wont he kind of situation. 

I have like 25 sessions this week. It's gonna be a lot -especially when I am not really feeling that grounded. On Tuesday I have therapy. That part of why I am overthinking right now... I am talking to my therapist in my head... trying to get my story straight. WTF. 

Life is soooo weird. I was gonna say dumb, but the lake was so beautiful today. My niece and nephew are a lot of fun. 

You do it to yourself, you do, and thats what really hurts.

Friday night on the town...

 Not really. 

Where to start?

Last night I went to an open mic and it was really fun. I will definitely go back. In the middle of the night, I found myself practicing poems, which of these could be performed? which are better for a book?

Today the weather changed again. It was cold and rainy and will be (at least cold) all weekend. The last few nights it's been hard to sleep because my apartment is too warm, but I didn't want the air on. I felt like there were mosquitos flying around though never confirmed any. So I am not sure how much sleep I got last night, but I distinctly remember being up wayyyyy past my bed time. 

I only had three clients today. The first was easy. The second a little off-putting. The third hard but still good. 

At some point in the day my Step Mom asked me specifically whether I was coming to my Dad's birthday party in early May. Couple weeks away. It took me hours to steel my resolve. To say thank you for organizing this, I am not sure I can commit yet, I'll let you know if that changes. Yesterday's sunny weather and happy go lucky disposition had switched sometime in the night, and I woke up angry again, or at least averse. I am not sure what I am waiting for... there is an invitation to forgive and forget... but that doesn't heal anything. 

My parents are both turning 70 this year. There is some pressure to show up... 

Anyway... around 3 when I had finished my work day, and was listening to some youtube video about Allah prior to islam in the arab world, I realized I was getting sleepy and decided that I better send the text before it feels like its been draggin all day. 

I did. 

I fell asleep. I woke up to a thankyou.

I woke up several hours later after somewhat restless yet dream filled sleep. 

In one of my dreams I was attending a concert or performance. My client who had been somewhat difficult earlier in the day was sitting next to me. She seemed to be wanting it to be a date. At some point I had to set a boundary and she became angry. For the rest of the dream it felt like she was stalking me. The concert ended, and I snuck away to a movie theater (I was planning on seeing a movie tonight). I remember trying to fit in, and find a seat in which I had a view of others, but in which I could also hide. 

It was odd. 

When I woke up, I felt like I'd wasted the day. I did a quick spanish lesson and realized I had literally nothing important to do. I decided to go to the later movie (after missing the initially intended one). 

Went to Grandview Theater in St. Paul. Apparently so did everyone else because the theater was packed on this cold rainy day. Saw Project Hail Mary. It was good, but I wasn't like "oh my god the best movie ever."  The science fiction elements were interesting and also cute. There was humor and beauty and probably the most impactful thing was the element of friendship between a lonely human -who was both used to being rejected and also self rejecting -- and his alien friend. 

I left the theater quickly, seeing lots of beautiful faces, thinking about friends and lovers. I realized very quickly that I was lonely -walking back to my car, driving home alone in the dark. It made me recognize that part of my not going out much anymore is because I am sick of doing it alone.  Its so exciting to have experiences, and so lonely to have them by yourself. Why stay out late? Why venture... 

I got home and was folding laundry, singing the Johnny Cash version of "hurt" and thinking about E. Missing being loved, or as I recognized later, appreciated? Accepted?  believed in?   There were elements of our relationship -especially toward the end, that I didn't feel loved or appreciated. And I didn't necessarily feel those things back. But I miss having a companion none the less. 

Maybe I should get on dating apps? 

My friend said something funny about dating someone in their 20s... The idea of that is kind of shocking to me. I know she was dating people significantly older than her at that time... I am attracted to younger faces, but its so uncomfortable when you recognize the cultural and life experience gaps. I don't want to raise my partner. Lately... since I've been feeling like a teenager, I wonder if I am waiting for someone to raise me up. 

A friend I met in Guatemala once told me that, she said I needed to meet someone 5 years older than me, so I could practice being taken care of. 

Anyway. The two people who recommended or liked this movie were both single and somewhat lonely people. I asked one if she wanted to get coffee in the morning and haven't heard anything. 

I think I am back to a subtle level of depression. That feeling like if my life ended it wouldn't be that big of a deal. 

The client who was being somewhat difficult today brought up the idea of human sacrifice as an every day practice. How systems at all levels are generally very open to human sacrifice we just don't call it that anymore. It's a good point. 

I don't like that I live on my own and have my own business, and still feel entirely beholden to entities that I wouldn't choose... insurance companies, corporations, cult of death republicans...

Tomorrow. Dinner with a friend. Reading and writing?  Coffee? 

What AM I DOING!?!?!?!?!?!

Rebellion

I woke up crabby again today. Watched church, couldn't relate... kept looking for excuses to turn it off. Got groceries. Did Spanish. Paid taxes. My Dad had asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. It was the first thing I woke up to. I grumbled about it all day, but decided I needed the exercise. He didn't get back to me till about 3ish. I was checking off all the things on my list. 

I miss walking around the lake. I need to get over there more often. I considered starting to walk around the river. I need to figure out a path so that it is a circuit instead of up and down. It was so warm out that tons of people were walking. But my focus was entirely on the conversation. Recognizing even while we were walking that I was not aligned, present, etc. I was waiting... eventually we talked about the ongoing fight. He did the same old thing. I stood my ground, gave my reasons, got self righteous. Told him its funny that he continues to ask me to be the one to come back and make amends or work through it. 

I told him I was still too impacted by things that are ongoing - to keep the peace. 

I told him I guess I'll just be angry for a while... and that's how it will be. 

At some point he was trying to convince me that my step mom didn't mean it the way I heard it... but I don't believe that. I actually think my Dad isn't convinced either... he just wants to play happy family, and I watched his face as he tried to figure out how to make a point to get through to me, or to figure out a way to problem solve his wife... and it pains him that he can't figure out a solution that works for him... 

I said, its funny that you come to me...you could ask your wife to reach out... if you think that she wasn't conveying her perspective well, then you can have her write it out and I'll read it...but I am not convinced. 

He said, You want her to have empathy for your side... 

I basically said yeah... I want her to recognize that her side was afraid, and backing people to cause actual pain and suffering to my side...  if that's the terms we are using. 

I know I am the kind of person who hears what I want to hear... and I also know my Dad is. And I also know that he says things to keep the peace. He is one person when we are walking around the lake, and another when he is with her.  

Its funny though.  I have actual righteous anger again... yes, like a teenager full of angst...but not the sitting around feeling sorry for myself, disconnected, numbing out anger. I might get some of that later tonight. But in the meantime... 

I dunno what to do. I feel like I am being petty sometimes... but also, again, I don't like that I am being asked to make the peace. I don't like that for the next month I will be guilted about it. 

I don't always know what I care about or believe in... but this one feels personal and righteous, and if its not a big deal to them, then they can be the ones who apologize. 

Its been so hard to just take care of myself and be part of things lately. I am feeling burnt out. But today I followed through with all the tasks (except poetry). I don't know what is next, but I am feeling like I am at least holding my ground.