Had coffee with a friend, had one of those long chats that feel so nice. One of those you tell me your story, I'll tell you mine. It felt like she was listening intently, like what I had to say mattered. And so many echoes of familiar stories, so much of the same heart song despite the differing experiences. connection. Hard not to fall in love with people when that happens.
The other day I lied to my therapist, or rather, didn't share the truth -the truth hadn't occurred to me in the moment. I was responding as if I had thought through a thing, I presented an answer that I thought I should say. I wonder how often I do that.
The true answer would have been "I'd distract myself."
The question was if you weren't here, what would you do with that feeling now that it has arisen? or something to that extent.
I've been very into distracting myself these last few ...
I have a hard time sitting still at home sometimes. I need something else to watch, or play with.
Except, not all the time... but sometimes, when a thing is personal. Like writing a blog, or crying.
It was my birthday yesterday. On Friday I took the day off of work and got my car repaired and got a booster shot -knowing I would be sick on my birthday. A way of avoiding. So when people asked how I was, I could say I am sick. So when people wanted to see me, I could say I am sick. Avoidance magnifique ! So that when I experienced my own thoughts or feelings, or wondering about my 38th birthday and the inevitable comparing and contrasting occurred, it would at least be palatable, rather than the achy flu like symptoms my immune system responds to the vaccine with. I am sick. Laughable. Versus, I am not sure... difficult. Or I am sad. Shitty. Or I am lost in the loop in my mind -like the dreams I had when I was feverish... a continual loop in which the floor falls away, or the choice leads to the opposite of what you predicted, because of course. Any time you try to control... chaos. Infinite loop nightmare? It was funny.
Today I woke up feeling myself again. I stayed in bed an extra hour to dream. Before I got up, I had decided how my day would go. Check two things off the list so you can stop stressing about them. I got up to do them (after coffee and SNL, and other things). I eventually got around to the two items and realized I didn't have the materials, I went searching for them in plastic bins, in boxes, on shelves. I couldn't find them and it scared me. I began to organize, and realized how much of my life, my treasures, my memories are stored in bins awaiting the next move to the next impermanent space. The gifts I have been given, the notes, the trinkets, the sentimental, all tucked away. No wonder I lose myself so quickly, I guessed. I have so few things around to anchor me to a longer narrative.
I dunno. I had dinner and conversation with my Dad and Colleen and enjoyed myself. Plenty of people reached out to me today and yesterday, and it felt good. I got to say, how are you? and mean it, because I had a few days off to not stress.
This upcoming week is going to be hella stressful with work. But I am trying to remember to take it one moment at a time.
Maybe I am 38 now and have no new updates. Maybe I am still avoiding.
