The small fixes

I am not sure if it was the shopping, or the moving around, or the sugar fix, but I was feeling rather down and drab, and then I wasn't. I can feel it returning a bit right now... its sad to think I go from fix to fix throughout the day to keep my mood up.

Tomorrow we are going camping in Wisconsin.
We will have probably 35-40 students (some can't come, some probably shouldn't)...
still this camping trip has brought a lot more anxiety than the last ones... Not since my first year has it been so stressful... new location, different perspectives, huge distance, more students who have never camped with us before... 
Still after school today 6 kids stayed after and helped one of my coworkers set up tents to see if we had all the parts... other students have already brought their tents and gear in.
Maybe it will go really well... maybe all the fear is for nothing... but honestly as much as this new location is an awesome place (it truly is...)
I still like the Baker Park site, I like sitting around and not having scheduled activities... I like not having a role except to make sure everyone is physically there, a time to bond with the students not be the boss.

I've been having to set some of those boundaries a lot lately... these new students haven't found the right balance of push and pull and the older students haven't jumped into the leadership responsibilities that are needed.  I asked a student who has been around for years to turn his frustration that his food was stolen into a message that "we could all respect each other a little more"   he stated his frustration, but never stepped up to make a real change.

I've had to gear like all my classes around the idea that student's can take responsibility, can learn to be confident, can learn to take on the leadership roles... but when they have the chance they back down... just a bit frustrating.

Well when I get back tomorrow (around noonish) I am guessing a shower and bed will be the agenda for friday... sat maybe a movie with shultz  and  the roomies are having a housewarming... i don't know how many people I know will be attending.
Monday some cats are shrimping.

To the innocent victims of the santorum neologism
(funniest word ever following that word... cum on... you get it... )

Listening to new Chili Peppers album... obviously chili peppers, but sadly missing my favorite element.... still I am not opposed to it.  There are definitely some good songs... or at least I have noticed many good parts of songs. Also I think flea has gotten way better at using the bass effectively for not only rhythm but melody in songs.

Well at least I don't have to worry about yeast infections.


The rest I can pretty much guarantee.
It wasn't a bad day, it was a good day... so why do I feel so shitty right now?

I'm totally feeling pity party right now... like I miss people that don't exist, or do, but I can't quite reach them the way I want to.

but everything was good today.

 got a whole bunch of new videos on the youtubes...

Today I spent 2 hours looking at maps, pictures, videos and displays talking about the history of Minneapolis, and the lumber and flour mills at St. Anthony Falls.

Later I spent an hour and a half watching a documentary about slavery and African-African/American identity,

also read articles about the connection between Sephardi Jews and Native American tribes, 

and about Spanish explorers in Texas and Florida.

Sometimes it pains me to recognize I will never know everything.

I think my room makes me tired. I have been getting home at like 8-9 PM every night and headed to bed by 10:30. 

This week was sort of rough.  Earlier this week I had a student confess that a lot of really awful things had happened to her... like imagine the worst life ever and then add all the effects of having that happen to you to your personality which basically compounds the problems. She came to school in tears and left in tears and I haven't seen her since.

Tomorrow Spirit of Truth is having a big launch event. We are hoping for 200 people, I have no idea how many will show. We only have about 38 confirmed on facebook... but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Or it could mean we have a kick ass conversation with 40 people.

Anyway I am not in charge on this one, so I am a little less anxious.  Its hard though to recognize that you can't actually influence people very easily. 

Every day I come home with something to share about my day, or a new thought... or an old thought with some new insight or current experience... and every day I decide I don't have the energy to update...
So yeah... this is pretty flat, but so is Minnesota...

off to the millcity museum.

Do you ever have one of those nights where all your music sounds amazing?

 I was trying to make a cd of instrumentals that I can play for my students during creative writing time tomorrow... its hard to choose tracks, you don't want too much of the same, and yet some of the stuff is just so beautiful.  Does it count as instrumental if the vocal tracks are in another language and no one knows what they are saying?

So far I came up with:

Django: "Honeysuckle Rose"

Fred Ho and the Afro-Asian Music Ensemble "The Monkey Theme"

Hero Soundtrack: "Swift Sword"

Humanboy:  "Nell"

It was just for you that light show:   "Shell"

John Frusciante: "Untitled # 6"

Les Yeux Noirs: "Doina Si Joc de Marian"

Marcus Doneus: "Socrates' Garden"

Mississippi Mud: "Bicep Lips"

Murat Isbilen: "Gulumcan"

Red Hot Chili Peppers: "Pretty Little Ditty"

Rodrigo y Gabriella: "Orion" 

I'm dwelling in one of those tired moods, mixed desire and "fuck off!"   angst faced

the band Why? is really doing it for me. 

I spent the last 3 hours at a coffee shop watching a girl who looked like a disney princess (pretty to the point of painful and slightly off-putting)  with half glances occasionally meeting those giant eyes in-between the chapters of my book.

I wasn't sure I wanted to meet her... but when she got up and left I didn't want to stay. 

She had spent a couple hours talking to a guy that kept her smiling, and when she met my eyes it was as if those smiles were meant for me (though of course they weren't).  Enough to make a man wonder what kind of life he is living and dream of being a shiny knight or a daring thief or a beast. 

I considered taking a picture, that creepy, I wondered if I would ever see someone like that again. Someone who wasn't necessarily someone you wanted to talk to, but who you couldn't take your eyes from. Someone who didn't make you want to have babies with them, but who seemed to meet children's fantasies of what "beauty" is.   Its funny you could easily say she looked deer like, mousy, alien... but all in a way that drew you in... strange creation, I wonder how she will age... I wonder whether she had her teeth fixed, and spent years perfecting the makeup for that look, whether she knows it or not... flaunted eyelashes, half smiles practiced in the mirror.  Does her personality match, is she the epitome of rough and tumble feminine... a feisty catch, but a pampered princess none the less.

I used to think I was only attracted to women with long hair, after dating Alexis I found myself attracted to a whole new type... its funny how sometimes I see people and I just want to run my hands through their hair.

Tonight was the "parent dinner"  after 3 years of these you would think I wouldn't be so awkward but each time... ooh its a treat to see how much I can embarrass myself. It is also funny to run around the school during these events and realize that all of my coworkers are feeling the same way, casually avoiding contact with parents in order to pretend to do important "set up" type things like mixing a salad again and again, or refilling the punch bowl for the 40th time... or making sure the students are where they need to be...  anything to keep from talking to parents.... sometimes I feel like conferences would be easier because at least you have an agenda... although the few times I had to do conferences with parents at normal schools I had the hardest time trying to figure out which of the 17 Tylers or Sarahs they were the parent of...

 This way there is no mistaking... 

Today was the first actual "hard" day we have had so far this year. I actually needed to get away for a bit.   I subbed for the cooking class and I am amazed how little these kids can get accomplished food prep wise while simultaneously creating some of the biggest messes I have seen... dropped garlic butter not just on the floor but on the counters in the silverware drawer, dripping down the cupboards.  

Cutting veggies in 4 different locations they transporting diced tomatoes onions and other by hand to a tiny bowl on the other side of the room...

I gave them enough ingredients to feed 10 people a decent sized meal and they didn't know what to do with half... we ended up with salsa and chips, some enhanced marinara sauce, garlic bread, hard boiled eggs no one wanted and a small plate of friend mushrooms.

There were about 20 students at the parent dinner but only 5-6 brought family... so it was a little awkward, two staff "had to" run to grab some quick take out so that the potluck wouldn't be completely devoid of food. 

2 soon to return students stopped by to eat with us.  2 former students stopped by to say hi today.

I think its been on average like 5 (graduates or former students) a week since the beginning of school. 

I'm setting some time aside next week to work on SoT stuff... we are having an event on the 25th. My roommates are determined to have a housewarming party the night before...

I'm still unsure what to say about the past few weeks.  I didn't have internet, I found it to be a really enjoyable retreat in many ways. It reminded me I don't have to be so easily swayed from things that matter.  Perhaps I just need to turn off my computer a bit more.
I am in a new place, a new neighborhood, new roommates, less cats.  So far things are good, with home, school, other.

This is a year of change I guess.
I'm still not sure what I want to say about recent news.
I think I am afraid to feel it.

Despite that one post, it is pretty clear now that I don't have some great insightful dreaming power to predict important events.

I wish I could fill you in on all the details in my head... but really I'm kind of tired and have a few things to worry about tomorrow... so its best I just go to sleep.
Welcome back to the internet mike... thanks... too bad I already broke the promises I had made in my head.