Being afraid of the dark, and being in a big house all by myself is not really my favorite thing. The wind makes this old house creak. The little dark areas...
I see things, I make up things, I hear shit.
I spend hours in bed each night thinking of every horror movie or reasonably scary scenario I can think of.
I get very little sleep because I tend to take a nap after work... and then im up till 3... and then im awake at 5:30 to do it again.
I would not say my days are unfulfilling. Im actually really enjoying being in the school and at this point I imagine I will really enjoy being a teacher.

There are many people that I feel a great need to be in contact with, but I am so undependable... I dont want them to get their hopes up and then me let them down.

tonight more homework... presenting at least one or two things tomorrow...

???tomorrow???

http://www.alfranken.com/content/videos_caucus

you should check this out for sure!

My days are very slow when Im not working. During the week it seems very fast, troubled to cram everything into the few waking hours I have left. But today and yesterday I have spent most of my time sitting around playing hearts and solitaire, listening to the blend... which is a great band....
Tomorrow is a work day but no students... its time for grading and preparing.
-makes it hard to get excited about doing work tonight, if im gonna be working all day tomorrow on it.

Me and beckrila saw cloverfield last night... im not gonna say anything bout it.

apparently i get to watch live free or die hard tonight... the movie is based on my life... lets see how much of it they got right.

"A dove is a glove
That I wear in my heart
And though I like to dress smart
It doesn't have any part of the world of fashion
And you're there to put me down
And I'm sick off the frowns that follow me around
I would like the sky but there's no reason why
She'd say to this world with the nose of a girl
Turned up so loud that it rings
sings the cloud
I've never been here and though you're physically here
You're pushing me away
to decay like the day that I loved
There is a girl, blabbing nothing outside my window
What do I have to show
To a world that the only way to destroy
Is to die like a baby boy
I could be happy in infinity
Of the space of my eyelid
But I know I'm somewhere else
Where the words on this page
Are better than the scribling nonsense they are,
And it would be real,
And I eat my last meal
Wish that I could feel
But now I don't even know
if I'm real"

a little john frusciante on drugs.

school report # 3

Small Successes
Well the plan was originally to observe for two weeks and sort of help out where needed. This meant a lot of down time, running errands and eyeing the students whenever they got off task. It was fun, but not quite engaging. It also meant that I have had to do a lot of planning for the weeks to come but that will probably be my other journal entry.

Two teaching moments:
A)These were not set out lessons so I haven’t written lesson plans, in reality it was more like a moment where something needed to fill in the space and help students who were not relating to the material.
In Modern Global (world history) we have been discussing genocide, a topic I am rather familiar with as a student of history and anthropology. During the unit the students were asked to read 1 of 4 packets concerning a specific genocide and then fill out a table with relevant information concerning the topic. They were then asked to jigsaw with students from the other groups. As I walked around during the first hour, I noticed that the students were doing the bare minimum so that when I asked them questions about the reading they wouldn’t be able to answer. There were also several students who were attempting to lighten up the mood by making jokes about the topic (which I assume is because of their ignorance to the situation rather than actual disrespect of those who were hurt). I continued to walk around asking simple questions of the students, “Who was the leader?” “What groups were involved?” “Was it a conflict between ethnic, religious or political groups?” the students did not respond well. Towards the end of the hour I put up extra instructions on the board, asking them to make sure to discuss these issues while sharing the information with their peers. Overall it was a frustrating period. During the time in-between classes I decided that it would be necessary to give further instructions at the beginning of the next class period. I wrote additional questions on the board, gave specific instructions to read the entire packet rather than just find the answers, and reminded the students that they needed to be sensitive and respectful about the topic. This second class responded much more positively and I believe a large part of their response had to do with simply laying out the expectations for them.

B) Having had a lot of experience traveling and studying conflict in the world, I decided that much of what these students were missing from the exercise was some way to relate to it. I decided that it would be beneficial to bring in pictures (I took) from various locations, which I presented along with a spoken word recording from a popular band, and some stories about my time traveling to these places. I believe this description reminded the students that these were real places, with McDonalds and normal people like them. Many of the students responded very well to this demonstration though I had put little effort (due to time) in putting it together. There were no fancy transitions or videos, just slide show pictures a normal person would take with a camera… this realism reminded them that many of these events happened during their lifetimes, and that many of the people affected by these tragic events are still living (and suffering) today.
-Had I had more time or prepared for this unit, I might have made this into a power point presentation, but I was surprised how little extra effort it took to impress the students.

I ended up presenting it two both my history classes and another teacher's class... all the students now say hi to me in the halls... smile at me more etc.

Its cute how being real and honest leads to good responses... this is the kind of teacher I want to be. Not afraid to discuss the serious things, willing to relate, willing to give and open up, -willing and understanding enough to push students to do the same.

School report #4
Sorry these are long, I think I get a little carried away on different topics.
I found out today that one of the teachers at the highschool is actually younger than me, but has been working there for 2-3 years. They all seem so much older but I really enjoy the friendly dynamic between the social studies department members. They aren’t always the most professional, but it makes department meetings more interesting when someone is joking around.

That was a side note.

I have been spending most of my time preparing for the next term which starts Tuesday. The plan was to follow Ms _______ the first week (of the next term) as she lead with the first class and I lead/co-taught the second class, but I have already begun jumping in with the class that finished today. I even had several students say they would miss me though I have done very little in the classroom. It seems easy to connect with them when the age differences are so vast between me and my cooperating teachers, I guess the students feel naturally more connected to me because we can talk about the same music, and have shared (relatively) the same time period growing up. I think they also perceive me as being more patient with them, but I get nervous that I will vent my frustration with them more when I am under more pressure to perform. (So far I have felt very little nervousness in front of the students).
Anyway, what I meant is that I think Ms ____ approach is different than mine and though I appreciate her suggestions on tightening up on the students, I actually feel that so far my methods of patiently explaining why they need to be quiet etc, have been more effective. Of course I know that much of the reason she occasionally snaps at students (She sometimes gives little warning before sending a student out of the room) is because she has already explained her expectations and feels that they are purposefully seeking attention and that they ought to know better.

Well I guess that explains where I am at with discipline so far. I have a hard time following let alone enforcing rules that I don’t necessarily agree with. I think this will also become a problem as the students will most assuredly test me more when I am in a higher position of power.
I will most likely update that situation as the time goes on.

Preparing a curriculum:
It is difficult working with two teachers; I often don’t have time to discuss things with both of them though this situation is improving. I have been invited to use whatever materials they have and because they are both seasoned teachers they have a tremendous amount of worksheets, quizzes and tests. I am hoping to find some more 1 day projects to keep things active, but in general I am feeling very comfortable with the fact that if I don’t find/create something new, there is a prepared standard to fall back on. With the modern global classes I will begin teaching the second week (I believe “week 4 by our calendar) and continue on from there possibly till the last week or two. This is mostly because the units flow into each other, or because I worry about breaking up a unit to switch teachers in the middle of things, but I feel fairly confident that if I approach Ms ____ for help she will be there to either aid, or take over for a day here or there. (I don’t think this will be a problem) Already I am thinking up small items like music, videos, pictures, art, stories and primary sources to add to the curriculum, I also am hoping to bring in some projects but much of this will rely on the students’ ability to keep up with the fast paced curriculum and assigned readings. (I have been warned that they will not do the homework)

I have had my doubts about opening up the established curriculum to more world influence, because much of the time that will be lost would have had to do with important European/Western ideas, events and history. This is worrisome because the students don’t seem to have a very good understanding of history, at the same time they seem to be more intrigued by the exotic, so a day here or there to open them up to the world doesn’t seem inappropriate. It also gives me a chance to challenge the notion that Europeans and the West are the center/most important players in history which is something that is important to address in our country –to acknowledge the wealth of experience, culture, achievement of other nations at a time when it is very easy to become America-centric.

ECONOMICS
I have been researching the subject matter I will be teaching and feel more confident with taking it on. I have yet to really work out the exact order of what I will do during my 3-4 weeks of full time teaching, but in general Mr. ------ and I seem to be on the same page and his easy going nature and fairly light standards in the classroom give me a lot of confidence that I won’t be neglecting the students education if I have an off moment in the class. Still, already I have stepped up a few times to discuss the nature of a term or concept which seemed to help them understand.
When I say light standards, part of what I mean is that I am becoming more aware of the failure/grading standards of teachers in the school. Mr. ------was happy to see that several of his students had increased their efforts to get some work in before the final test, but had told me earlier that anywhere from 6-12 students were in danger of failing in just the one class. The remaining students were ranged mostly in the C and D range. This really bothered me because I felt like there must be some disconnect between the Teacher’s efforts and the student’s efforts. Today I talked to several other teachers who told me they tend to fail anywhere from 3-15 students per term (between their three classes). This still bothers me, but the fact that it is more widespread reminds me that in many of these cases it is not the teacher’s neglect but a student’s lack of effort OR inability to maintain the grade (usually due to out of school events).

During this past term (ended today) between Mr. ---- and Ms ____ in the 3 classes I have observed about 5-10 kids failed and there seemed to be about 3-5 students who dropped out as well.
these are required classes so they end up taking them again or getting GEDs.

dont you hate when you get a ton of sleep.... but still feel sleepy?


my room is a mess. I think I need an apartment just so that I have space for all my shit.

I told one of the teachers im working with that I'm glad she swears sometimes (thought she doesnt do it in front of the students) because i swear a lot.

Block Schedules
This is my first opportunity to observe and work with block scheduling in a school. The students recently registered for their classes next year, and I have heard from my cooperating teachers that once the students have chosen their classes they have very little input on how the block are laid out. Still the block schedule seems to offer some advantages in longer class periods, more electives and fewer classes to prep and take for teachers and students. At a recent teacher meeting I heard that many of the teachers were looking forward to returning to a 6-7 period school day. This struck me as odd, and the teachers mainly highlighted the idea of content retention as the main problem with the block schedule. I think it is rather interesting that the teachers see the longer day and shorter term as being less in depth when teachers on 6-7 period days constantly complain about having too little time to handle anything in depth.

I have not yet taught with a block schedule, although I have seen both of my cooperating teachers give students significant amounts of time to work on their worksheets, readings, etc. I also noticed one of my teacher watching the clock while going on 25 minute tirade that was essentially inspired by the topic at hand but not helpful to the students… this time could easily have been spent going into more depth on any subject rather than rushing through it and then relying on the students to do worksheets (which they tend to copy from each other-little to no learning taking place. I have watched the students fill out these forms in-between their personal conversations (which I don’t see as the problem, though the teachers do) I see the worksheets and review questions themselves as the problem. They students are wonderful at picking out the one to two sentences they need, the key word or random tidbit of information and moving on. They don’t read the book, they simply answer the questions. They don’t understand the topics; they can’t reflect on them, they are just regurgitating facts, which they will quickly forget the moment the test is over. This is why the students have no content retention, not because the block schedules (at least in my subject matter, math and languages may be different, however students are not really tested in social studies by state or national standards).

My first observation of the effects of the block schedule on students was that it helped them be a lot less stressed. At first I thought this was a great affect of having less classes and subject matter to be worried about. The students will naturally be able to handle organizing fewer topics, and should be able to focus on the content they are studying (similar to college). At 6-7 period schools the student constantly seemed stressed, anxious about time (teachers too), impatient, distracted, -symptoms I assumed had to do with so much going on, and not enough time to process. At ________ the students seem to have much less stress, they are much more patient in the class (they wait for 5-1o minutes while the teacher does attendance) the transition time between activities is usually slower paced. The students seem to have far less homework and other in-school concerns… but they seem to have developed bad habits, like expecting that transition time to take 5 minutes, talking when they aren’t supposed to be, having a relaxed attitude about discipline, insubordination, joking around, cell phones and most importantly their studies! They get impatient with the workload (small as it is) because it isn’t challenging and most seem to be able to spend that 20-30 minutes in class to get it done, and what they don’t get done they copy off their friends. They don’t read. They don’t study outside of class. They don’t seem to bring much to the class (observations, questions, comments, etc). In short, they are irresponsible because they have the time to be. Personally I don’t think it is the block scheduling that makes them lazy and disengaged; I think it is the fact that they don’t see what they are getting out of school. Learning 50 facts about a country they will never visit has little to no interest to them, and they are well aware that should they ever need the information they can look to the internet for their answers, just as they look to their peers for the answers to # 6-10… Somehow we need to make this information relevant to them, or change the whole system and start looking at how we can encourage students to utilize those resources they are aware of to increase their general knowledge of what is around them, of what is affecting their lives.

-alternatively we could look to Western Europe and Scandinavia where students are asked to choose their field of interest much younger and progress into lines of work that are much more focused on a project/business/ field etc at hand. The students who at 17 are still drifting through the school system uninspired and barely participating might be better off in a trade school at 14 where they can focus their energy (if not on something they enjoy, than at least on something that will secure their living, so that they can do what they enjoy in their spare time).

Hello my lovelies I am sorry to ignore you I have been student teaching... it takes up all of my time... and well.... its a full time job without pay.

I will try to keep you updated on my progress in school without being too boring... but you must be patient because i spend all my day thinking of teaching so of course I am gonna be blogging about it... and some will just be rants.
I will try to post some of my journaling stuff (an example of which may be coming up) but I dont want to leave too big of a paper trail in case somebody sees this, so I wont say a whole lot about the specific people I am working with or anything.
What I can say is...

* It was my birthday, so I'm now 24 an old man who feels quite young and inexperienced even though I recently found out that several of my colleagues are only a few years older... (i feel very new around them).

*um I have been getting on average about 6 hours of sleep a night because I have to wake up at
5:30 (6 would be ok, but then i cant stop anywhere for food -meaning no breakfast and no lunch...and no way to keep the energy up) but maybe when i start grocery shopping i can sleep in a few more minutes.

* UH i am broke... i will soon be cashing some bonds and paying for some shit... but currently im at like 500 credit card debt...

* I will soon be teaching 2 world history classes and 1 econ class. I am not too worried about the history except that it is a lot of planning to do it well... and the econ... well I suck at econ... when my cooperating teacher gives a lecture I listen along at the same level as the students because i just dont understand math... so maybe I will be recruiting some help. But I will only have to teach like 3 chapters of econ, and fill in on a few sections of other chapters... where as in history i think I will end up covering about 10-15 chapters...
^ 3-4 weeks full time teaching all three 85 minute classes.
^ most of it will have to be before spring break which is in late mid-late march.
^ along with at school work, I have to journal/reflect twice a week, video tape and reflect on a few lessons, do an analysis of student learning for a unit, do a few technology lessons -incorporating technology, write out lessons plans (they take 10-30 minutes) for every lesson I teach, write out a unit plan (probably 4-6 hours to do it well), keep ahead of the class in every way by probably a day or two, put together a portfolio for my own use, and some other shit.
^ I am expected to maintain normal teacher hours 7:15-2:55 plus meetings for 11 weeks without pay, and pay for 10 credits worth of tuition as well as fees for placement and criminal background checks. Plus normal supplies.
^ the drive is about 35 minutes each way, it is fucking cold.

HMMMM

This weekend I hope to:
-watch a few movies
-hang with a few friends
-read all of my econ stuff -so that I am well aware of what is going to happen.
-start developing a plan for my first few units greece, rome, india that I will be teaching in two and a half weeks... to the point where I can write up lesson plans by sometime next week.
-clean my room
-organize all my stuff
-celebrate christmas with my dad.
-start a research list for econ stuff.
-finalize a basic plan for the curriculum for next term in history
-sleep!!!!!
-probably procrastinate and not do any of this.

I guess u can call it depression... but when it seems like it is a short period of time that doesnt really count right?
I was looking in my phone and I could easily call like 15-20 people right now to hang out... but i dont really want to.
There are two bands I love playing tonight (different locations) but I dont really want to go.
I havent eaten since 9:00 AM today and I am hungry, but Im too lazy to make myself something or go get something...
I have some computer games at my feet, but i dont want to install them and then lose interest... so better wait until im really desperate right?
I just got some movies in the mail... but i dont know that I want to do that.
I dont want to paint, or draw... or read a book. I want to curl up in bed....

but i dont really think its depression... I think its hybernation... I dont want to move, exert energy, put effort in to anything because -what if its not worth it? well then im tired and cold and worse off than now right?

wrong... but still.

Not that I have been the best at posting lately... but I think the most recent reason would be that life has actually slowed down a great deal. Spending hours in your room doesnt really count as exciting material to blog about.

This morning I went to breakfast with my dad.
I didnt sleep much so around 2:30-3:00 I crashed... I just woke up... the time inbetween breakfast and sleep was mostly spent doing laundry and listening to idiots debate... and catching up on the news and things.
My room is full and there is plenty of stuff that doesnt have a place... the inevitable stacks...

I dont even have a dresser, so my clothes will be stacked on the book shelf... well what fits.

Monday I start student teaching, though i have not replied to either of the teachers' e mails... I guess they put me at ease enough that I wasn't worried about going in early or complicating matters... so it begins real fucking early monday.

I finally got my Praxis scores... they are very nice.

The Nanny Diaries turned out to be a good movie, as did 10 items of less... which is a random pick I bought from blockbuster a few months ago... i think it was probably the best random pick ever... one of the characters is like a shallower version of what I want to be in life... he is an actor who goes around and randomly pays attention to people, observes their behaviors and points out how special they are. after he makes a comment to one guy about his amazing ability to look at folders every 2 seconds... the guy responds "you just made me want to be a woman" and despite the sort of heterosexism in that response, I thought it was fairly revealing and sort of cool.... hard to explain.

hmmm.... probably time to eat or something...
There are two events tonight and im not sure I want to go to either... even though I was excited for them... just seems like a lot of work.

these are just different lightings.... one is blurrier.

I screwed up changing my sleep schedule and slept till like 3:30.... i couldnt get back to sleep... it sucked... but I did finish this painting.

After the panic shocks -me scaring you - you leaving bruises on my arm,
I was careful to not mention the reflection in the “empty” van window in front of us that looked too much like a face.
Certain
that it wasn’t “really” a zombie.

I'm really not sure what kind of mood im in... i've been awake for roughly three hours... Im sort of hungry and sort of tired... but not able to sleep and not hungry enough to make anything or run to burger king...

The idea was to stay asleep and start a new sleep pattern... wake early... go to sleep before 5-6 am... but im not sure that will happen.


Im not entirely sure how to update as to what I have been doing... I'm not sure if its blog worthy or what. I mean I am fairly satisified with life lately... though right now Im sort of feeling screamable... but mostly I have been hanging with good friends... and annoying them.


I was writing some stuff... and doing some drawing.. but not a whole lot of painting... havent looked into jobs... havent heard from my cooperating teachers... (little worried about that)

I got in to a big argument/discussion with my mom last night, and now she thinks im crazy. Really I just didnt tell her some things for a while... because what i did tell her she didnt respond to... so then it sort of built up... it was a really frustrating conversation with both of us pretending to be adults... both of us counseling... when we should have been relating.

Im not sure what it means... but i have been hanging with becky a lot. Same old thoughts, same feelings, same results. meaning... most of the time I feel really wonderful around her... and wonder why we cant date eachother... and then I remember why we cant... and I think... wow thats really sad. at the same time... i sort of figure we have been really enjoying eachother's company... so though i give her looks a lot... we dont ever really bring it up... we dont bring up our differences... we know them... there isnt any point in the argument... there isnt any point in the leap... we have taken it and fell... and fell... but still Its nice to be around her.

Ex girlfriends are a weird thing.
I think when things are going ok with one... i start to think about the other more often... wishing i could have that with them. I spose its sad that it seems like such a split path.... but being with one, helps me understand what i did wrong with the other... helps me appreciate that i love life, and love the people I have met...
that was always a problem when I was with alexis.... she made me so happy sometimes... i couldnt help but feel overwhelmed with just how much i enjoyed life... just how thankful I was for the people in my life... and thus felt like connecting to them... which caused her to be jealous... I always told her she had nothing to be jealous of... and meant it. but to her... how fucked up was it that everytime things were going well I ran to another?
(if only to share good news... ) but unable to explain that...
When I was with becky... i spent countless nights away from her talking, exploring, having conversations and games and fun with others... and then returning to her... and she would get jealous and wonder why i didnt spend my excitement with her...

Incredibly awkward conversation with gabi today.... i was trying to say "gabi, even strong people have troubles... just watch yourself.." and she was right to say "mike i have dealt with stuff before and I will again..." and it wasnt that... that i was doubting, I was doubting whether anyone can go unscathed.
and then later when i rush into theories... and turn away my closest supporters who are put off by my idealism... and worry im creating walls for myself... and she drives away trying to reassure me that she still cares... and I feel ashamed and guilty for putting her in any kind of place where she would feel she did something wrong by standing up to me.,,,

I cant keep my mouth shut.


Tomorrow we (3b kids) are to hang together.... lets see what happens...
fun perhaps?
Sometimes i worry these things are just to keep up the idea that we had something once... I think i enjoy all of them... but im not sure they have a good time with eachother.