I guess.... ryan's?



I updated some links and stuff.... took out a lot of the music...

these are pictures from the reunion... in the actual order..

the highlights of the night were
A) allison busting herself out at perkins...
B) seeing cats and being reminded that its all good
and
C) the moment I saw elizabeth... even if she was a little excitable and probably will never call me. There arent many times in my life that upon seeing someone... i want to grab them and run away... but when I do have that feeling - I like to remember it.

Well.... I have several half finished poems from the last few days... mostly positive little tidbits nothing too fascinating... I think I have now found the time to relax I was craving... been running around town looking for fun shit to do... so yesterday becky and I played tourist... and were shuttled on the light rail up and down the minneapple to the mall where I got pretzels... and back to the car where i got dropped off.

I recently realized that though my schedule is full to bursting with homies... i dont really have much going on till student teaching... i spose i gotta get gifts for the other x mas... but thats to come...
plans for new years still in the works... maybe a movie that will possible take us through the hour of our demise?
wouldnt that be a funny way to end it all? chillin watching a movie.

goals for the next stretch
Im hoping to keep my friendships alive, do some painting, and perhaps spend some time editing... oh and student teaching and applying to jobs and shit... that too i spose.

I still havent put together my art desk thing...
my rents are fluish.
i better leave the house or i will be overcome.

tonight its yuppying.
what about you?

I’m a total jerk lately. I don’t mean to be, I just have an increasingly hard time of holding back my frustration when I haven’t had time to sit alone and reflect. Or perhaps it’s the lack of people to confide in, or the ability to, but knowing they aren’t the right person. Maybe its impending doom, or impending change. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t know my place here, or don’t have a place here… anymore.
My friends come home for the holidays, and spend their time at sports bars, but there is only so much bowling and darts one can take without a real conversation. And what is a real conversation when time and place and direction are all different. Are we playing friends, or are we friends estranged? Movies and coffee shops, and dinners and lunches… pretending it’s like the old times, but we don’t have a dorm lounge to lounge in, and we don’t have Pete’s basement. I spend my time wanting to escape into the arms of someone familiar, someone comfortable, but I don’t have one of those relationships right now.
Each night I plan to watch a movie, paint or draw, read a book, play some computer games… whatever it takes to get this weight off my shoulders that makes me hunch, that are forever crunched together… but I cant seem to relax, and I fall asleep from exhaustion and worry about the next day… perhaps momentarily comfortable… but knowing a big day will come tomorrow…
And each day I wake as stressed as I had been, because I wake worried I had missed something, or someone… because I wake too early, or too late… and sleep isn’t my friend right now… it’s too hard, too jagged to keep me longing for my bed, and yet… I’m so exhausted.
My mom says I’m an introvert, and I tell her its cuz I haven’t been alone in 6 days… and the foreseeable future doesn’t include real relaxation for at least a week… and Steve bursts into my room, asking me to go shopping with him “It’s just an hour, you got nothing better to do.” And I say “Steve, No.”

I need my own place… but I need it to be in a building where all my friends are the neighbors.
College kids… enjoy your time.

Those are some kids I hang with....
fucking freaks. hehehe
It’s really hard to do busy work when u have already finished your finals and shit...

tomorrow is painting day... and drinking day I think-the last drinking day.... I hope I don’t throw up.


my room is half packed and half waiting to be packed = fucking mess


Kellogg’s corn pops have done me real good this last week.


I obviously don’t have anything real to say... just sort of scrambling for substance to avoid the homeworks...

******and now i will devolve into a 14 year old shallow obsessive son of a monkey******

Lately I have been feeling really bad about the way I look... and contemplating bad things. I know a lot of this has to do with shaving.... I think it makes my face look fatter when I don’t have facial hair to elongate it (spelling?) Makes me wish I had had braces to fix my overbite to fix my jaw, so that my jaw line is more defined...
but I also know I was complaining about this before I shaved... so maybe I’m just being very critical lately...

It really bothers me how I have such different standards for myself than others.... for instance I tend to be more worried about skinny girls than attracted to them... and skinny boys are equally sort of offturning... but somehow when i was very young I got it into my head that that’s what I should look like.... so when I look at people like Jared and huck (second picture) who are both above 6 feet and weigh less than me... I tend to be very self conscious... I don’t think most people notice... even wearing t shirts...ughhh I get to complain about this because it’s my blog by the way... so u can’t complain.

I usually don’t even notice the features that I criticize in myself in others... I realized that a few days ago... I don’t look at them and see the things I see in the mirror... so I imagine they don’t see me that way.... but it saddens me greatly to think that any of them would feel like I do about myself...because I’m constantly sort of adoring them..(one of like three reasons for all the pictures)...
now one could say these things do not matter and I do... I constantly say they do not matter... but I was thinking that I wouldn’t "dress up" for interviews and do the whole suit and tie thing... but then I saw all the boys I would be up against, dresses sharp in their fancy black suits and thought about how I would look in comparison... and well.... I don’t know if I will get these jobs without a suit, a haircut, a workout routine.
and that depresses me greatly.

Oh world... you sure do have a way of beating down those who dig you.
****
on a happy sad note....
tonight it hit me that I wouldn’t be here much longer, and I was overwhelmed with that sense of loss... and I’m glad because that’s important, and I really loved college, at least the social aspect.


****
On a sidenote the person I was thinking of the other day wrote me... and that made me happy... I dont know if she read this and knew... but either way that sort of made my day.

BFF's tape song.... is maybe the best song on the album.... i love them, but im not sure this cd captures their energy the way a lot of the myspace stuff does.

Its frustrating to miss people who you dont feel like you can just randomly say hi to.
Wondering about their lives, wanting to reminisce. And wondering if they will ever say "hi I will be in town, can we get coffee, can we not have it be awkward, can we smile again, and say im glad you are happy?" and if it were said I would say i would do everything in my power and my heart would feel just the slightest bit better, and on certain nights I could be even more nostalgic than i am now... and the cycle would continue... only it would be sort of nice.

and maybe we would get together, and forgive eachother, but move on realizing that maybe we werent the people we knew then... but I'm guessing even if that happened, I'd be smiling just to hear a joke or a song or a story, cuz some people are just really good at entertaining.

On a final note, before I start my standard writing...

Last Call Desperation is certainly a beautiful phenomenon

People love drunk and sensing momentary lost, suddenly overwhelmed, proclaim all feelings unpronounced, or announced but not enough… not to explain this eruption in our hearts, this pounding in our heads, and all “seemingly exaggerated” when sobered up by “reality” or “rationalized” thought, but for that moment… unadulterated flooding, and I feel like maybe the heaven we speak of might feel like that… constant sense of the exhilaration of loving (minus the anxiety of not knowing whether they will always be there).


_______________________________________________________________

I say “seemingly exaggerated” and “reality” and “rationalized”
Because one could mistake these feelings as being untrue… but I don’t think they are… I think they are the purest… the ones we won’t let out any other time then at the moment of desperation… and yes that seems silly, and it is… but its human… and I think our most human side comes out there… vulnerable and loving. The rest is when we are trying to protect our human side… because we constantly tell ourselves it’s not ok to always be drunk on beauty –at least not in puritan America… how would we get anything done?

On changing things you have always been....

Someone wrote something about whether they should try changing the way they have always been.... I’m not always sure it’s possible, though I constantly try to push certain friends in that direction...
and I?
Well some have tried... I think the majority of my little personality traits come from when I was young, exceptions being things like personal space... but the food/germs thing is old... the wanting to help people is old, the talking so much is old...

The secrets are the big thing... those are the ones I struggle with... because I feel so guilty about them. Becky confronted me pretty recently trying to tell me that I am more liked than I admit and things, but I keep a pretty strong distinction between those I think would still love me and those who I would never tell.
Which (right or wrong) often leaves me feeling like I really don’t have as many people to rely on as others might assume I do.

When confronted by those people who love me, have accepted (for better or worse that I am the way I am).... and they asked why I don’t change... I always pointed to it being a lifelong thing... and it always has been... so I'm not really sure what the alternative is... or who I would be...?

and in the meantime I learn to love the positives, of always feeling different... or always being weird, whether I act on it or not, hide or thrive in it, I am him (whoever he is) and the connections -oh for love of life... connections in weirdness, connections in humility, connections in fear and vulnerability, connections in loving love, connections in creating, caring, worrying.

And on that note:

I was thinking in the shower, that I should thank Morris for the wealth of connections... thank the women of Morris in particular... who offer up such beautiful variety that one is rarely left not thinking of someone. Probably on average a new friend every other week... a new smile, a new background, personality, set of reasons to be excited....
if I am a vampire, I have fed well... if I am human I have seen the presence of God so often I feel as if some angel has given me their wings...
And I understand the pain of that devil... for who could ever want to be disconnected/replaced from this heaven,
Who could not want to protect that goodness?

And in my heart I know it’s not a place, or group of people, but people themselves...
But still can’t I be a little happy to have found a nice place?
If I walk away overwhelmed with loving feelings... cant I try to piece together some awfully ridiculous thank you?

Thank you
-to everyone I have met here (those still and those departed)
you have made it wonderful.

A poem for class. (this will be on the poetry page too)

This poem is about a character from the book No-No Boy, which is about a number of Japanese people who lived through WWII and struggled with their identities, values, culture etc and the aftermath of the war, internment, etc.

This is not about the main character, I wrote a poem thats even worse than this one to include him... but this is about one of the more positive characters in the book....a friend named Kenji who became a soldier and was hurt... he ends up dying in the book, but tries to help the main character choose a more healthy/hopeful life...

anyway...

Kenji

-In Germany I served to make a better world for us all.
Killed a man and earned a car.
Lost a leg, and earned a star.
Still I’m forced to look around and wonder where we are…
-Taught by American Teachers, pool halls, radios and drinking
-Years interned in the desert, left us wondering what they were thinking.
And so we signed up, marched to war to prove that we were worthy-
Of the freedoms guaranteed to us
-but stolen undeservedly.

-My Father worked to pay the bills, struggled raising a large family.
-And when at last they let us go, he started over smiling candidly.
I lost my soul that day that man fell bleeding from the roof top.
And hope that one day we see people as people so that eventually the hate stops.
And though dying, I dreamily envision
that America could be a place where people melt together.
But until then I say do what you can-
And if they steal another inch in hopes to stop the rotting…

Smile for another day - and pedal to the metal
Keep on hopping.

I received a really nice letter in the mail today. I tried to explain what it meant to me, but couldnt find the right words. I know the person reads this, but thats not why I'm writing. Im writing because what it meant to me, was justification for all the times I smiled and felt all warm, felt connection, felt appreciated, felt wonderful.
Im not sure what I can do about that, what I could change, or make better. And those things will always sadden me, but positive justification for a thousand small moments and memories is a super awesome gift when someone isnt expecting it.
and thats something I want to write down and remember.

Me and Steve spent the night listening to the chili peppers while we should have been working...
scattered AIM conversation, comments, videos, descriptions of the best songs..
good times

would rather be doing anything than writing standards right now.... so want to fail out... and be a starving artist... i dont care if i suck... someone will buy something... and i use cheap paint.

did i mention im having a hard time doing my homework... its 1:20 am i have till noon.... and then i drive home... i hope to get some sleep.

My room seems really messy though I have been cleaning for a half an hour... Packing away my life here to make the move home a little easier. Weird to pack up your life again... again, because i did this once... i dont remember it being so hard.

I keep finding singles on my desk... and assuming that I havent been taking drugs blacking out and living some sort of double life as a stripper and student... i guess i just forget that i throw money on my desk a lot... the thing is... when i see money on my desk the normal first thought should be something like "oh i forgot i put that there." but my first thought is "i wonder if someone is sneaking in to my room leaving me money...." followed by... "does someone owe me money?"
and since i have no idea...
i pocket the cash and assume that the next time i need it, my magical dollar making desk will provide.

listening to a random mason jennings song... and I hate that i secretly love him. And I hate that I wouldnt ever buy a mason jennings cd... but if someone let me copy them oh i would oh i would... there is so much music i want right now...

charlie parr that man is amazing

"I’m falling in love with beautiful facesTastes, of relationshipsDimples when cheeks raise,-Crazed, with the possibilities"


I gotta stop doing this when im running away... but i crave...
im a user... its good they want nothing but the friendship...

fortune smiles my way:

* Time is the wisest counselor.
* Your relationship could be under stress, sit back and wait.
* Put your mind into planning today. Look into the future.
* Friend long absent are coming back to you.
* Your emotional nature is strong and sensitive.
* Now is a great time to broaden your scope of influence.
* Your talents will be recognized and suitable rewarded.
* The mysterious side of your nature makes on most alluring.
* Good news will come to you from far away.
* Life to you is a dashing and bold adventure.
* Your charm had not gone unnoticed by the angel.
* Luck is coming your way.
* Today, taking a supportive role might benefit the group dynamic.
* You are very expressive and positive in words, ct and feeling.
* Good health will be yours for a long time.
* You have the ability to sense and know higher truth.
* No one is standing in your way anymore, it is time to move forward.
* What’s vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
*You have a deep appreciation of music and arts.
* You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
*Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress.
*The star of riches is shining upon you.
*You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
*An angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes.
*You will make change for the better.
*Travels from nesting space will take you to a broader cultural horizon.
*Your dearest wish will come true.
*A financial investment will yield returns beyond your hopes.
*You will always get what you want through your charm and personality.
*Executive ability is prominent in your make up.
*Keep your feet on the ground even though friends flatter you.
*Good health will be yours for a long time.
*There is a prospect for a thrilling time ahead for you.
*Your present plans are going to succeed.
*Beauty in its various forms appeals to you.
*Good beginning is half done.
*You will be showered with good luck.

me in the art shots
Ina and her foot
Jenna went all crazy on us
Laurel and gigantic food pictures
Jared was a ghost

Bokonism
me and ina
ina working studiously a long time ago
laurel is a fashion model
ahhhhhhh

happy family
laurel all alone
the bigger picture
how happy!!
Ina cracking up

You cant see this very well because of the flash, but it is a poster for disability awareness month... I just thought it was cool looking.

Been doing a lot of painting myself... this week we have had a pink elephant, some little blue men fighting a monster, a woman and child, a bunch of peace signs, a crazy one, and maybe a couple others... or maybe that was last week.

We went to perkins... pictures will be next...
not of perkins... but yesterday.

Just havent known what to write. Lately my days consist of maybe having classes and doing homework and playing scrabulous... my nights socializing and painting, and maybe doing homework... not much in between... last week I found out a friend of mine was pregnant.
um but not much.

I dont feel like a student in college anymore with all this free time.
It also just recently hit me again what laurel had said a week or two ago about all these kids, and how its only their sophmore or freshmen year.... and where they are at, and where we are at... im like a big brother type, and it is not ok that i am so desperate for attention right now... they need the support and energy.

"small my table, sits just two
got so crowded I cant make room
oh where did they come from
stormed my room
and you dare say it belongs to you,
this is not for you!"

I dont have any pictures that would capture the insanity of last night. It wasnt the drunkenness... (i was sober) it was the crazy company... and the obsession with shaking things out.
I have videos of Ina drunkenly singing songs... missed out on Huck's beautiful performances... i do have about 60 pictures of cass cuz we were having a photo war...
um i dunno what to say. its a snow storm today... to white out the land and give you a fresh start despite your past.