why dont i have any friends with whom i can confide, whom i can vent to and without fear that their own prejudices or biases will cloud their vision?
they all care too much to allow me to be hurt, or know full well that i will crash the damn car anyway... i claim to be open... to telling everyone everything... but i cant explain these sorts of feelings and those who understand dont want to know...

maybe its that same depressing music... maybe the weather.. maybe the disconnection... maybe the reconnecting with old feelings... maybe its not ok...

i feel like i try to do the right thing, and sometimes it doesnt work out, and this scares me. i feel very replacable...
was there actually any indication i should worry? or am i playing myself?

fuck you mike.

"they know what we've done and they know where were at!"
little linus quote for ya
complete with the screams krystin used to get mad at me for... linus and at the drive in... shes lucky i didnt play any mars volta... crazy beautiful shit

anyway i just did tht meanest thing i have done in awhile

i removed people from my friendlist on facebook..
basically i just removed people i hadnt talked to in years, or thought i would never run in to again... but part of me worries i just pissed off a lot of people who might have thought highly of me... maybe some of them actually liked my blog... this is the danger of facebook... rachel what have u done??

today turned out to be a pretty wondeful day... despite frustrations...

learned how to make movies on my computer... (it was so easy... just some program i had never opened)
I talked to lex on the phone...
i did some drawing..
i got some more scarfs
the only thing i didnt do was my homework... so maybe thats next...
right...

The cleaning lady needs a new vacuum. This is my conclusion for the day. It is taped down at the bottom and things get stuck in it easily, so that every minute or so she has to stop and let it air out or something… I think whatever is stuck like falls out…
Anyway this means for every room she vacuums she has to start and stop about 12 times.. Its both infuriating for her, and annoying for the rest of us…
The internet went out again about 20minutes after I talked to lex, and stayed out for the next few hours so that meeting for our cyber date or whatever was made impossible… That was a very frustrating few hours.. I was listening to music and writing something for her, and when it went out and stayed out it drained all my energy and I eventually went to sleep as she was probably coming on… Unable to tell..
I woke this morning to an english man proclaiming “if it were any colder out there it would be snowing” and the cleaning lady just left the window open.
Its good we need the fresh air…

Last night I reconfirmed my desire for something good. And today the other wrote me saying she had done the same for her’s and it made me fee replaced…

Its funny how we all seem to be going through the same bs relationship stuff that happens in the movies and in books and stuff… so unable to break the cycles… unable to not get swept away by emotions…
Its funny how I should be telling lex this and instead im broadcasting

I feel less put together.. and yet Im really not struggling very much at all. More disconnected to things… and disconnection is a funny feeling..
Funny I wrote my rents like 5 days ago saying how blessed I felt with so many wonderful people in my life, and how hell was only disconnection… maybe I need to be praying more.

What I do need to be doing is writing my paper for guyotte and e mailing him back… to say “yes I will take the incomplete and will try to finish thing up later, thanks for understanding…”

I got a hostel booked for Athens… I got a bus ticket… I got a plane ticket to London… basically I need to figure out my life from the 6th to the 30th and then im set to come home… and maybe people will want to see me.

from serrah
clock

Laying on my freshly “made” bed in the Istanbul hostel.. where wireless comes and goes, and basically everything else is a health hazard.. Funny how the moment Rachel and Jessica leave I make my bed and shower -seems once again proof that im much more comfortable being messy and dirty when I’m relatively happy.
So gossip:
The English man in my room is pretty much the epitome of one of the things becky used to get mad at me for… and I worry I will become him one day… he talks and talks about things as if you have never heard about them before… even when u clearly demonstrate that you are aware…. Becky used to get mad at me because she never felt like she could get a word in, and that I unintentionally demean people by carrying on about these things… but I never meant to. I guess it was just one of those things that you get sick of when you around someone a lot. I don’t think she remembers these things now (the way I use to frustrate her).
Anyway I try not to do it, so tell me if I am.

(((
a science prof at my school won an award for bloggin… I read some and although its interesting and kind of funny, about half of it –is just putting down creationists… and yeah they may deserve it.. but come on -hes a prof at a university… limit it to one a month guy…. Anyway its interesting to see a prof write so informally.

Makes me wish one of my profs had one… or that I was aware of it.

*****

Hmmm heard some bad news about a guy I used to look up to A LOT… but things are getting better so that’s good.

$$$$$$$$$

Missing lots of people… wishing they would write long e mails or come on AIM… though it has been nice to talk to other cats online.

@@@@@@@

Rachel pointed out something in my ear… which is freaking me out… but it might just be normal… it might be like a parasite or a tumor!!!! Aghghhghghg
Anyway… that’s kind of embarrassing

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im leaving for Athens on the 2nd which means I get there the third –spend three nights then head somewhere else. Never been to Greece… looking forward to it in some ways and not in others…
Hard to move on even though im very bored here.
Me and Jae (the Korean guy for those of you who have been paying attention)
Are here and waiting… playing on our laptops
Actually there are at least 5 travelers with lap tops in this hostel right now-which is the most laughable thing ever… oh what a world.

&^&^&^&^&^
I was checking out this german woman’s photography earlier…. Made me wish I took more pictures (some of yall are like… yeah right mike) but I mean had the energy and the eye… to take like beautiful photos…

^%^$^%#^%^#%^#

suppose I been drawing a little… that’s good… started that mn artist thing
-stole the idea from aaron king… “my pseudo rival?”
a guy I get jealous of for no reason… well I mean there are reasons… but not valid ones… I wouldn’t change anything right now so why be jealous?
Anyway I think aaron is a pretty good artist and I think he has some interesting ideas…
And I like the people he hangs out with.

()()()()()()()()()()

see how I don’t actually have anything to write about?
Im starting to smell even when I wash and change… this means I am a backpacker and that I should go home and change in to something not in a suit case… that is truly living…



How am I gonna create something great if I aint got no ideas???
I got about a year to make a cd…. Still no music…. Art book and websites is what I got now… fucked fucked fucked…

@(()*$(*(*(!(*!_*_!*_)#*(#(

need more good books me thinks….

wish i had more to say... istanbul chilling. rachel and jessica left today- it was good times.. lots of fun.. but this sort of relaxed chillin makes me want to go home. makes me long for comforts. i got internet for a couple days so hit me up on AIM or e mail me and i can get back to you... but i aint got shit to say right now... so... athens in a few days

fucking frustrated with internet and i rellay have to pee
so heres a story i wrote a few hours ago when i didnt have internet
sorry its boring


We took the small bus to a random road in the middle of nowhere… a small chain of what look liked abandoned stores on our right, complete with what must have been 5 trucks unloading goods or garbage and a few small cars. On the left nothing that seemed of importance, and the road that ran perpendicular to the “highway” had a sign that read “Petara 4” and pointed that same seaward direction. Our suitcases weren’t light, well one was, but that’s besides the point. We looked round in dismay, but knowing the beach and relaxation were our destination –we set out on the path ahead.
And then stopped when a man asked if we wanted a taxi.
“How much?”
“10 lira.”
This amount seemed exorbitant considering our bus tickets to this spot (an hours journey on the highway) had only been 15 lira…
“To the beach?” we asked…
“Yes yes I have taxi, 10 lira.”
“Well?” I asked of my companions, not wanting to walk the distance but not wanting to pay the price either…
“It is my vacation.” Rachel said… and with that we were standing by the road waiting for him to pick us up in his rather simple car…
He threw our bags in the trunk, all three jutting out, keeping the trunk from closing.
We sat in the back seat, which was littered with junk and wiper blades…
We hugged our backpacks and watched the scenery go by.
The driver waved and honked at every person he saw, with a big grin. He was either popular, or proving his worth to the towns people, and they smiled back accepting his good fortune. In a flash we were through the small town and back in to the wilderness, scattered with ancient ruins: a bridge, a gate, some houses, a cemetery, a stone seated theater in the hillside –all the cows and bees domain now, with the exception of the lazy cat who relaxed in the shade that sunny afternoon.

We had past a checkpoint signaling our entry in to the park but the park consisted of very little but a rock parking lot (scattered with cars) a pay toilet with a bored man watching our approach, some abandoned shacks, and a phone booth with no phone.
We paid the man and he took off smiling, having made his quota for the day.
And so we walked the wooden board walkway, our heavy wheeled suitcases, click, click, clicking away at our heels. The white soft and fine sand began, and on both sides we were flanked by desert brush.
At the empty guard booth we stopped. The small crash of blue and white 100 meters in front of us…. We saw beach chairs, and Jessica decided to pay at the small café to the left… 15 lira… this day was becoming expensive, we were halfway to our final destination and we hadn’t even eaten yet. We carried our suitcases over the fine sand beach, and proceeded to lie out…
I took my shoes and socks off.
I hadn’t felt sand between my toes in years. The heat of the day was brushed away by a gentle but strong ocean breeze… the blue was relaxed, but in its crash it swept sand and crabs 10 feet in our direction and I couldn’t keep from hopping around in it -for to check the temperature…

It was time to relax... easier said than done. We laid on the white beach loungers, and tried to get comfortable… realizing the sun was soon to be at its peak, we rubbed the cream upon the parts we thought important…
I rolled up my pants to expose the whitest of calves to the fiercest of suns… and regretted it later.
In our jokes you could sense the desire to be at ease…
I laid on my stomach, my face digging into the awkward construction, un-sun-blocked elbows pressed outward to create a makeshift pillow with hands.
Twenty minutes went by, and I awoke as if after a days rest…. But found the sun roughly in the same position and my companions agitated with their inability to let go…
We watched the white line rushing in on us, and noticed the disturbance in the sand.
“Crabs!”
They were left by the water and upon their beach ascent ran towards land like some sort of lost half dead and weary shipwreck survivor.
We grabbed for our cameras and began to slowly edge toward them… but then they were gone… with a blink leaving only small holes and displaced sand.
We were awed at their capabilities but personally I was a bit disturbed by the thought that crabs lay beneath my vulnerable feet and so as the thought built on me, I returned to my beach chair thinking my camera was good enough to expose the spider like creatures from afar.

Several hours passed, as I dreamed in the sun. The girls ran off on little adventures around the beach, and a few families of like minded tourists showed up and played in the rather cold water.
Jessica ran in for a second… but decided that drying time was more important than splashing time.

At 2:00 we were done with our relaxation… three hours in the sun felt like eternity to our silly city personalities and we de-sanded our toes, and dressed our burns and returned to the rock lot.
“What now?” we asked near a pile of trash…
A man offered to call for a small bus, and told us it would be about 5 lira in total.
I agreed while the girls went off to take pictures of the ruins… when they returned, we decided that we could walk the path and meet the bus, but it never showed and near the town, past the cows and ruins and fields of flowers we were passed by a man in car who decided to stop and offer us a ride.
We were thankful, but couldn’t say much, sweating on his seats and listening to his distorted radio. He asked where we were headed and we could only say “the road.”
He asked our direction.
“Cas”
“ah… I go to _____.” some city we could not pronounce and had never heard of, but found out it was three stops before Cas, and he offered to take us there... but we declined having stories of horror in our heads about hitchhiking. At the road, he dropped us, we said thanks and he took off without further engagement.
We stood as the men sat making jokes and playing board games in the shade.
There wasn’t much of a café, a man pointed out the toilet, which was easily discernable by the smell, and others unloaded dirty fruit and vegetables from trucks. The cars on the “highway” flew by, but buses were clearly visible in the distance, and we waved one down. The man negotiated (in order to get his own free fare) and we accepted a price of 3.5 a piece which became a simple 10 when the driver didn’t have change.

This bus was fairly uneventful…
We arrived and Cas and were descended upon by a man who wouldn’t say no, and though we feared that he was untrustworthy he actually did offer us a great deal… and so we accepted.
The room was pleasant and private. Perfect for our needs, with shower and power outlets available.
We checked out the town, ate kebabs and tried to make phone calls.
We walked upon the painted wall that divided the sea from the small harbor, the cats moving swiftly on the rocks around us when we stopped to take pictures.
Ice cream was quick and simple and we returned after a visit to the grocery store, burned and beaten by the day. Filling up on juice and comedy. showers…
Falling asleep to roosters and fighting cats in alleyways below.
We dreamed pleasant dreams not realizing the comedy to come the next day… German hippies, swerving overfilled buses, Muslim etiquette, losing ourselves in Antalya.

some friends i met traveling
they were pretty sweet

I feel like I owe you guys a million updates.. lemme try to recap some stories or something.

HMMM
On my way in to Belgrade (I took a bus at 8:00 AM from Serajevo and arrived around 4ish i think) Anyway on my way in I could tell that some of the stories of the city flooding were indeed true, and whats more they seem to only hit the areas of the city that were already doing poorly- make shift housing (slums) on the side of the river... no scrap materials or sand bags for barricades... open water flooding through unsealed doorways.
The train station and bus stations were also hit.. but not so bad.. still they dropped us off at one of the bus stations which looked more like a park.. and i shoo-ed off local apartment dealers awaiting the representatives from the hostel...
anyway they never showed or i never found them or what ever and so I began to walk for the next cheapest option (a place about a mile or two away..) but I had no idea what direction to go in (just dont walk towarss the river) and the street signs were in cyrillic which is not as easy to understand as you would think.
So I tried to ask some peoples on the street, a taxi driver, a policeman, a street vendor, some passerbys and they all waved me off or said "no" which meant "no english" I believe... not that its hard to communicate when all im trying to say is "where are we on this map im pointing to?" but they didnt want to bother.. so I walked on trying to make my way... I found a mcdonalds (which meant civilization) and a small market full of dealers selling easter stickers and such... and as I was beginning to give up (maybe i will just spend a few hours here and move on to istanbul) a helpful young lady -a student who reminded me of my cousin (who im supposed to e mail) stopped and asked me where i was headed..
and then she helped me find the hotel... but it was booked out... so i headed for the hotels around the train station. In the book they are cheaper than in reality... so I booked a single room for around 25 $ a night and shortly after booking it ran in to a hostel nearby... mother fuckers...
anyway.. i walked towards the train station -stepping in wet cement and almost losing my shoe... and found out that trains leave for istanbul every morning and take about 24 hours to get there... smooth...
So then I walked around town and loved it..
saw some churches, beautiful people, old castles, in the dark i stumbled upon the military museum's outdoor WWII exhibition (a fucking goat load of tanks and cannons and shit-quite scary)
then on the way home I got internet and bla blah blah...

____________________________________

Lets see... i went to that military museum and boy was that fun... actually it was the most interesting and comprehensive museum on the subject i have ever seen.. but it was kind of hard when i got to the section on Kosovo -which highlights very little about the serbian involvement, but demonizes the "Kosovar terrorists" and the war crimes (international laws) broken by NATO in bombing.... fragments of illegal bombs... etc... but i think the hardest part is about 4 displays, one of which has pictures (graphic) showing the civilians our bombs killed.
two have fragments of US war planes shot down...
another has a "captured US soldier's uniform" which probably means hes dead... and his name and such is still on it...
these things just sort of take you out of that "museum" mind set and put you in that "horrors of war" mind set...


_______________________________________________


On the way from Belgrade to Istanbul, I met a nice young Korean man... and we have been hanging out since...
basically there wasnt supposed to be any train changes in the night and every few hours we were waken up and told to get off and wait or run to a different train car..
at about 3 AM we finally figured out that we had to buy beds in the sleeper cars... or sit in the hallways...
and shortly after falling asleep we were woken up again to go through turkish custums which costs 30$ less then it used to!
When I woke up I could tell we were nearing the city, and i loved it... it was how i remembered.. i saw places i have eaten and such from the train window...
I love this city, its one of my favorites in the world.

_________________________________________


hmmm there is always more
i meet rachel tomorrow
not goin to lebanon
booking flights soon.
i think my options are the day steve leaves or june 2nd... which sucks because i want to make sure he gets on the plane alright but i gotta get home man... ok june 2nd probably we shall see.

(its funnz how quickly you lose touch)
i feel really disconnected right now.. im in serajevo and have met lots of cool people and such, but havent had much time to think, and i feel really out of it...
im leaving tomorrow so i will be back to normal hopefully...
its hard. not much time left and a lot to do.. but im losing sight of what i care about and whats fun... and more just going with it...
and it hasnt been bad... but i wonder if im actually enjoying myself or slowly losing myself...
hard to explain.

this whole war thing is hard to deal with too.. so many different sides and perspectives and its hard to know what to believe... maybe all of it.. maybe its supposed to be confusing.
so much of me is ready to be out of here, to find some salvation... but where is that?
first on to belgrade more war... im not going to go to prishtina.
so from there to istanbul to meet rachel.

its funny this place seems to be the first time i have really gotten that eastern europe crazyness that i was seeking... and i find it sort of like being drunk... out of control... and when you are feeling it it seems nice it seems good, but the moment you have some air, you feel like you have been betraying yourself or something...
this is all too abstract and im sorry... needless to say im getting some fresh air right now and i miss people. and i wonder if the time spent with all these travel buddies is indeed what i was ever in search of at all. (specifically serajevo)
this is not to say they arent great.. beautiful conversations and such... but its april 16th its easter... (my loved ones are all scattered or at home) and im missing them and feeling disconnected.
what am i doing in Bosnia?
why am i still running when i have found what i want?


month and a half

this isnt a traverl blog its a blog for venting

(i forgot to mention this is both a traveling and personal blog)

As soon as I get wireless anywhere I will have a number of updates for all three sites...
lots has happened and actually i have been having a great time.. I sort of feel really blessed, like someone is looking out for me, so i keep praying to higher powers saying thanks..
Im sorry i dont have time to write much, and havent been on as much lately... but when i can I will write a ton...

Im in serajevo and its tough to see...
this city was under seige for like 3 years and 11,000 people died.
Its also a beautiful city and an extremely interesting mix of east and west with mosques and churches everywhere..
its cheap as hell.
today i got a two scoop icecream cone (gelatto style) for about 51 euro cents

hmmm my project is going well. im meeting interesting cats, and seeing the most beautiful landscapes ever...
The conversations are interesting and some times hard... today more than ever I have wondered if maybe war is ok to solve some problems (like NATO bombing the serbian army ending the 3 year seige in 5 days)
but I also think it means more than ever that we should be fighting for prevention.. im sick of the pay the bill later policies... we need to look forward and prepare for possible rough waters...

but yeah actually things are bella, im gonna go now before i piss my pants
peace and love
taff

my train leaves for Split in an hour, im gonna go in 20 minutes though, because i need to get off this son of a monkey

I know i need a few days away from the computer, because i check e mail like several times a day when its free. but it sucks because so much of me wants to go home, and internet is the thing that often keeps me feeling connected.
its true i still enjoy meeting people, i enjoy the cities, the trip isnt all bad... but i want so much for it to be over..
i asked steve how bad he needed to come out, and he said he was looking forward to it.. which means im not leaving till june.
so what 55 days? its been 102... that means im only a third done and im so ready to be home.
everything seems to be going so wonderful and i can only hear about it through e mail. its depressing to feel like you are disconnected from whats important to you.


i was so happy last night.. my dad and becky sent me these amazing letters. I was hoping to hear from lex, and it looks like i gotta wait a little while longer, but i couldnt contain my excitement and sent her my thoughts..
i want to wrap myself up in love, the vibes and words are great but im sick of the teaser. i want the real thing. and whats more im sick of being jealous all the time... im sick of wanting and the only time im not wanting is when i have it, im selfish and i want it near me.


its not like i havent done this before.

god i hate complainging about this so much, but even at the end of a great day (and today was beautiful) i just cant think of any reason why i need to be here except that i would be letting down others... and i dont want to do that..

The other day becky told me i shouldnt come home, and part of me wonders if it would be too hard for her, and part of me wonders if she needs to be selfish in this matter because its helping her so much for me to not be around, so that she is doing her thing and not worrying about what i think or relying on me. and i honestly think its wonderful, its turning out wonderful but now that everythin seems so wonderful between everyone i just want to get home and enjoy myself.

i have these plans and countries i told myself i wanted to visit and im doing it...
(another reiteration of plans...)
tomorrow is the third city out of 6-7 and then i meet rachel in turkey on the 22nd...
visiting at least 2 cities i have never been. and then maybe i meet melissa in greece and visit another country i havent been to (and always wanted to)

im really not sure what to do after that...
i have 11 days to fill and no way to get to where my brother is going to meet me without spending a fortune, do i spend it in greece painting and relaxing on the beach? to i visit more cities, do more traveling, work my way up to the designated area?
do i fly to britain spend a night in london and then fly to meet my brother and then fly back to london to leave?

what do i do?
i told you i suck at traveling alone, i get all weird...

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

today i spent at least 5 hours people watching in the sun, and writing poetry and stupid songs.. and that was fun and beautiful... but is that why im here?

not that becky reads this anymore... but what would be really ironic is if this inabilty to enjoy that once hated activity persists because of what she told me.



John frusciante...
oh i want to be crazy with you again. fall in to that spiral of despair where things that hurt are funny, and power comes with each new thought.

maybe i will just add all thepoetry i have to the site at once... yes...
something to do at least... i think i might end up failing my history class just cuz i dont want to do the short papers...

two things people keep telling me

A) My girlfriend and I are perfect for eachother, and as much as i feel like i realize this everytime im with her, it scares me that so many people are so positively pushing us together... im used to having to work for things, i dont seem to have to work with her, she just takes care and understands before i say things. its beautiful, its weird though... why am i so defensive to something that seems so fated to be right?

B) People keep telling me that i need to cut myself off from everyone in order to enjoy life. I dont understand this mentality... i dont understand why worrying about people is so wrong... it feels so right.. quit stressing that im stressed people! i do it to myself. im sorry im venting so much, im actually quite happy with life.
The problem is not that i cant get away, the problem is i dont want to be away.
I want to be surrounded by love and worries. this is my natural state, its when i feel the most at peace, the most happy. when i feel like im doing something, supporting and being supported.

So im sorry to vent all the time, and complain, really i just feel to far apart, and so im taking every opportunity to say something, and some of that is negative...some is positive.

the distance is good, but only cuz it reminds me of whats important, and whats important is yall... so yeah let me worry, dont feel sorry or worry yourselves...thats my job.

everything seems to be going great, everything seems to be going so fucking wonderful. and im alone on a friday night with my music and im lonely and feeling destructive...

met a girl named shana, i liked her sarcasm... everytime i said something she would be like "oh poor you" in a way that was like half real half sarcastic and i dug that.
she was good people, but hasnt been loved the way she should be... its led her to cut her self off from people, possibilities.
she was fun though, fun to joke with.
reminded me of so many people that i couldnt pin point it and yet all together herself.
she reminded me of when i was younger. she has the same germ issues.

Such weird events taking place without me, and i feel absolutely homesick.

2 months still

Zagreb is beautiful im glad i came, and had i had this city toshare i could stay for days but im leaving tomorror for split, moving on in hopes the time will go faster i guess....
what will i do....

I spent last night in metelkova going t clubs and having a wonderful time. i got 4 cds today on suggestions from people about Roma music.
I havent listened to them... i cant relax.

on the train i started day dreaming about my wedding. about the ceremony and i think i want to do a variation of what my mom did. she has a small half circle.. i want a large circle of the people who mean the most to me, i want them to each add something (like how traditionally the parents light candles or whatever) i dont want any heirarchy, i want everyone to be equal. I want my wife and I to share the personal moments that we have had with each person (to eachother probably before hand) and then go around so that each of us can thank our own and eachothers guests because they helped create the situation...
they brought us to where we are..

then i got to the down side...
Ever since Issiah Brokenleg read my palm (and im not sure he knows what he is doing or not, but more the idea) he said i would have several loves but none would last forever. it was the first time i really thought about that and it scared the hell out of me. I cant imagine going through this again and again.
i cant imagine tellin my possible children why they have so many aunts and uncles... too hard to explain that my friends and "ex loves" mean more than those terms allow, that english doesnt have the right word, so blood is the closest i can compare.. they are my blood. they give me life.


i added some more crap poems to the other site...

as many of you know i have a overactive imagination (which is often as real as life)which is partially why i have so many fears, and partially why i have such a hrd time worrying constantly..
normally when im tired or scared or its dark or im in a differet place or well... lots of times.
i tend to see people, dead people hurt people, etc etc...sometimes animals, often monsters and such...
right now more than anything im seeing bugs. bugs that are there one second and gone the next. this has happened at least 3 times in the last 20 hours... maybe im sleep deprived.

becky loved meeting alexis. this makes me proud, i didnt need her approval but it means a lot to me.

i hate waiting, i hate moving on... why cant i relax?
i need to focus on my guides in life.
peace and love -taff

interesting things happening lately. Im in slovenia, the country side is beautiful, as is the southern part of austria. like award winning beauty.
Krystin is in the hospital
this was really freaking me out but her mom wrote me back and said she is getting better. I think from now on she will be much more careful I just hope these things dont leave her permantly scarred in a bad way, but rather leave her wanting more life.

Going to Zagreb tomorrow. Its raining here.
Another thing a poland... they dub american movies and tv with one usually male voice, which sounds basically like he is reading off the script on top of the regular sound. so i was watching a movie in which i could hear the dialogue but on top of it it sounded like a polich narrator was going to town describing everything. The movie was one that isnt too good that i had seen before last summer with becky.

Um my poetry site which i threatened to make is now up and running and the first new poem (with plenty of old shit is soon to come)
check the links for that one..

anyway.... Slovenia doesnt really seem to be effected by the war at all (it was only ten days here) and people seem to think fondly on the world.... i wonder if things will change the further south east i go. meeting rachel on the 22nd in istanbul, hoping to hit up greece with melissa but we better start getting planned on that.
its hard being here, because even when things are going great a huge part of me wants to go back.... 2 more months of this...
steve thinks he will come around may 21 which would have me able top leave around the beginning of june. i have to fly out of london and change my ticket very soon....
peace

Observations/things about Poland.

* Supposedly people are rude, but i found them to often go out of their way to try to help/communicate.
* They over rely on the microwave
* They mix kebab meat with onions whether you like it or not
* They are often extremely catholic, though the young, and our hostel staff seem to be the exceptions
* Our hostel staff was hot, and funny, and helpful, and interesting
* They have a lot of hot dog and hamburger stands (microwaved)
* They sell cool things and things you need for cheap but everything else is hard to find or expensive. For example they sell some of the same cheap products they sell in india, at roughly the same price.
* The Polish police seem helpful
* They take holidays seriously...
* There is supposedly a "polish look" but i cant really figure it out, they all sort of look eastern european, but its supposed to be distinctively polish...
* the young people are stylish, the old dress very functional-proper and in one color pieces...
* im sure there are more, mostly i just wanted to say that they over use the microwave...

im leaving for Vienna getting there tomorrow morning at 5 AM and hoping to catch something bus or train to ljubljana which i still cant pronounce, but its the capital of slovenia.


Yesterday i walked to two major stores to find headphones neither of these stores had them. today i went to the bus station and found an abundance that might not work, but they were about 1.50 $ each so who cares, and also i found a shitty looking peace sign necklace for roughly the same price.
poland rocks
peace and love to everyone.

well this will be a shitty last update but things have changed and it seems like im going to be rushing through cities for the rest of the month with no idea how much access i will have to internet.
slovenia croatia bosnia serbia (kosovo?) turkey greece then whatever my brother decides or i come home. but all the way till greece i will be doing something like 10 cities in 26 days which is never to be advised, i was hoping to have time to chill in cities and get to know the place meet the people, but i also forgot how much downtime you have when traveling alone, so as long as i get working and make the most of things it should work out.
plus hopefully i will be relaxing on greek islands for a couple weeks after that..

I said goodbye to krystin today in a horribly shitty way...by sleeping. i wanted to wake up maybe take her to the bus stop or whatever but i think she got a cab anyway cuz she was feeling so sick.
I have roughly 8 zloty to last until i leave which isnt that much... but im hoping to be on a bus for vienna and then a bus or train to slovenia shortly after that.
I will no longer have a bus pass so im paying for everything from now on... hoping to really find those eastern european cheap spots...
hmmm
im guessing i will be somewhat down this next few weeks because its hard to travel alone...especially when im going through a former warzone.

on th bright side, im back to feeling connected with my girl just hoping it stays that way, and i know i got lots of love in my corner, and i had a great conversation with a swedish girl about a ton of things including feminism...
trying to write that paper still
good luck to ya if i dont write too much... im sorry but i would love love love if you guys kept writing. it means so much to me even if i cant respond.
thanks peace and love
taff

Krystins sick which sucks cuz its her last day.
Today is the anniversary of the popes death so warsaw is at the height of mourning rememberance stuff, and i saw some pretty cool things last night... (more later)
but basically im taking the day off, because i need it.. and writing and drawing and talking to people and doing homework... which by the way... do you know how hard it is to write a fucking paper>???

but i was talking to this girl about poetry, (she was swedish so we didnt share any) but i decided i would make a blog for poetry and explanations, similar to this in a way, but specifically for writings.. and um it was probably called something like more flowings of your everlasting taffyman.... but im giving up on the hope that anyone understands my writing, so im gonna write what each poem is about... maybe it will be like a link to the explanation, but now im coming across writings that im notsure should be public because they are about my feelings about people, or situations... and i wonder if im being mean byt saying things or whatever..

anyway... we shall figure that out
peace